I do apologize for the long wait. I completely forgot that I was posting this year as well as on my website... I know, I'm a dork. So here's the rest of it, sorry for the wait.
Part Eighteen
//There is a place very deep within our heart, and that is where forgiveness comes from. It is possibly one of the deepest things we can feel; deeper than love, or despair, deeper even than obsession.
It is also one of the most difficult things for us to do. It comes from so deep within that most of the time it can never fully reach the surface. It can be acted upon, perhaps, but not truly felt. Especially when it's forgiveness for something as terribly painful as the betrayal or denial of love.
How do we forgive?//
Subaru walks through the cold night air. He stopped briefly at home to pick something up; a white trenchcoat he had bought that day, purchased and packaged in an attempt to recapture the past. He is thinking of what he can say to Seishirou, to forgive, to ask for forgiveness.
//Perhaps it's the other way around. Perhaps forgiveness starts on the surface and works its way into us until we truly feel it. The first step to forgiveness is acceptance of whatever wrong was committed, after all. Maybe it's that forgiveness must reach that place within us before it becomes real.
But it's too deep. Forgiveness can get lost, or broken, or torn, trying to reach it, trying to become true.
How do we forgive?
There are some things which are too horrible to be forgiven for. Things like murder and betrayal.
Could love ever cancel those things out? Make them that tiny bit less important, so they can be forgiven? How awful does something have to be before there can be no forgiveness?
What if we believe we don't deserve forgiveness?//
Seishirou sits at the foot of the Tree, resting in between jobs, wondering when he can go home. He doesn't want to go home, because his house seems terribly empty now that Subaru no longer comes. So he spends most of his time now sitting in the park, conversing with the only friend he has left.
//The need to forgive can be a strong one; so strong that it can tear us apart if that forgiveness is withheld or unrealized. The lack of forgiveness can be love and hatred combined, conflicting emotions that pull us in two directions at once.
Love cannot be pure if there is resentment between them, therefore forgiveness is a necessary part of their relationship.
How do we forgive?
How do we know when he have forgiven?
Is that when it finally stops hurting?//
****
Kamui saw Fuuma approaching through the thin curtains and opened the front door to let his friend in. "Hi," he said, feeling awkward. He offered his friend a mug of tea. "I'm sorry about calling so late," he added.
"Don't worry about it," Fuuma said, sipping the tea.
The two of them went up to Kamui's room, the younger boy gently shutting the door behind them.
"What did you need?" Fuuma's voice was slightly cool.
Kamui steeled his nerves, forcing himself to not flinch away from that tone. "I wanted to talk," he said, sitting on the edge of his bed. "I wanted to apologize."
Fuuma said nothing, but sat down on the bed next to him, which Kamui took as a good sign.
Silence sat between them for a moment, then Kamui took a deep breath. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm surprised you didn't laugh in my face when I told you I had called Subaru a selfish coward -- I'm certainly no better than him."
Fuuma still said nothing.
"He was just here," Kamui said softly. "He said . . . that he wanted to try. That he thought we could be happy together now."
Fuuma stiffened.
"For a minute . . . I thought he was right," Kamui said thoughtfully. "For a minute I thought it might finally work out. But then, he . . . he kissed me . . . and I couldn't stop thinking of you."
Fuuma still said nothing.
Kamui managed a wan smile. "I guess I finally managed to talk some sense into Subaru . . . he realized that he didn't really want to be kissing me, either. Hopefully he's talking to Seishirou right now."
A long moment of silence followed.
"I guess sometimes . . . in order to realize what you really want . . . what you think you want has to be dropped right into your lap," Kamui said, in a very small voice.
"So you've changed your mind, just like that?" Fuuma asked.
Kamui sensed the note of skepticism in his voice and cringed. "It's not so much that . . . as realizing I've been wrong all along. Fuuma, I'm sorry . . . I'm just confused, and . . ."
Fuuma kissed him.
Kamui let out a muffled squeak against Fuuma's lips; that was the last thing he'd been expecting. Then he closed his eyes, trying to concentrate and lose himself at the same time, trying to be sure that this was what he really wanted. Fuuma put one hand on Kamui's cheek, caressing the side of his face much as Subaru had done less than an hour previous. But it felt different, incredibly different; the trail of fingers against Kamui's skin made him tingle.
And as soon as it had begun, it was over.
"Confused anymore?" Fuuma asked softly.
"No," Kamui replied, a bit breathless.
"Good," Fuuma said, with a hint of his old smirk, and he leaned in to kiss Kamui again. Kamui kissed back eagerly now that he was no longer taken off guard, twining his arms around Fuuma's neck. He had never been kissed like this before, never from someone who loved him just as himself, nothing less, nothing more.
Fuuma put an arm around his shoulders and they went tumbling over before Kamui knew exactly what was happening, and in seconds he found himself lying on the bed, half-trapped under Fuuma's weight. He thought, briefly, of other times that Fuuma had trapped him . . . images ran through his mind for a split second, of pain, of fear . . .
But he wasn't frightened.
Not of Fuuma, anyway. The idea of sex, however, was making a little more nervous than he wanted to admit. His past experience with it left something to be desired. I might not be good enough for him, a little voice in Kamui's head piped up. Or something could go wrong, anything could go wrong, really . . .
Fuuma broke off the kiss, and spent a long second looking into Kamui's eyes. "C'mon," he finally said. "Let's get some sleep."
Kamui blinked at him. "You don't want . . ."
"Sure I want," Fuuma said lightly. "But you're not ready for that. Not yet, anyway."
"How could you . . .?" Kamui seemed to be incapable of finishing a sentence.
Fuuma smiled and tapped him on the nose. "I can see Wishes, remember?"
"Oh yeah . . ." Kamui suddenly felt extremely silly. "Wait, then didn't you know what I wanted this whole time?"
"No," Fuuma said calmly. "Because I only see them if I want to. And I didn't want to know, because then I was afraid of pressuring you for too much, or too quickly. I wanted to give you time for you to figure out what you wanted. Not have me just tell you 'this is your Wish' and then have you feel obliged to act on that."
"Oh," Kamui said.
"But now that you've made up your mind, I figured it didn't really matter anymore," Fuuma said. "And as it's more effort to not see than it is to see . . ."
"So what is my Wish?" Kamui asked.
Fuuma smiled. "Don't you know?"
Kamui closed his eyes for a long second, looking inward. "To . . . be with you," he finally said. "I think that's all. I just want to be with you."
"Right," Fuuma said, and kissed him again.
And for now, for both of them, that was enough.
****
Seishirou was rather startled, and had a reverse wave of deja vu, when he turned the key in his lock and found that his door was already open. He walked inside and saw a pair of shoes neatly lined up, and a white trenchcoat that was achingly familiar hung up on the wall. He took off his own shoes and hung up his overcoat. The smell of frying something permeated the apartment. Seishirou walked hesitantly into his kitchen, remembering dazedly that he'd never gotten his key back from Subaru after their argument.
Subaru was standing there in a T-shirt and jeans, leaning over a frying pan. He turned around at Seishirou's footsteps and stopped dead, still holding a spatula in one hand. "Hi," he finally said softly, then added hastily, "I-I figured you wouldn't have eaten yet . . ."
Seishirou could only stare. "Subaru-kun, it's one a.m. What are you doing here?"
"I needed to talk to you," Subaru said firmly. He gave Seishirou a quick look up and down. "Go clean up; dinner will be about another half hour anyway."
Seishirou suddenly remembered he was filthy. His hair was tangled and matted from days unbrushed; he hadn't shaved in four days or showered in two. And to make everything worse, the front of his shirt was liberally covered in blood. His overcoat had hidden it on the way home, but now what he'd been doing was painfully obvious. Subaru was carefully looking anywhere but at Seishirou, focusing his attention on whatever he was cooking. "Aa," Seishirou finally said, and quickly left the room.
He was far too stunned to even think, not to even mention that his rather tired brain didn't feel up to computing anything. He threw his clothes in the laundry basket and ducked into the shower, scrubbed off the blood that had gotten on his hands and arms. That was one good thing about being an assassin for the government -- you never had to worry about evidence or anything like that. Not that he could go around being careless, but he didn't have to worry about little things like bloodstains. He had bought a dozen pairs of gloves and already gone through four of them -- somehow he couldn't bear to reuse a pair.
He washed his hair and got out of the shower, then did battle with the tangles and shaved. Feeling, and looking, slightly more human, he realized suddenly that he'd left his clean clothes in his room. Blushing, hoping desperately that Subaru was still busy in the kitchen, he wrapped a towel around himself and hastened to his room.
::Good luck; you haven't done laundry in about six weeks.::
::Oh, shut up.:: Seishirou looked around his room, and was rather chagrined to see that the Tree was right. Oh, come on, I must have something to wear!
::I'd stop worrying about your clothes so much. Your darling dear is done with dinner.::
::Don't call him that,:: Seishirou said peremptorily. He hesitated, then asked, ::Do you know why he's here?::
::No. He's not letting me read him at all. Apparently he's been doing a little practice with his magic since he first found out he had it. I could break through it if I wanted to, but you may as well just talk to him.::
::Hm,:: Seishirou replied. He poked through his drawers. ::You know what, I'll just go out there in my pajamas. If he's going to show up on my doorstep at one in the morning, he really can't expect much more.::
::And what are you going to wear tomorrow?:: the Tree asked.
::I'll figure that out tomorrow,:: Seishirou said, pulling on a pair of flannel pants and an overly large T-shirt. He put his slippers back on and padded out to the kitchen. Subaru was already sitting there with a mug of tea clenched between his hands.
"You didn't make any for yourself?" Seishirou asked, sitting down and looking at the plate of food. His favorites, of course.
"I ate already," Subaru said.
"Ah," Seishirou said, then muttered, "Itadakimasu" and forced himself to start eating. He wasn't particularly hungry, but he certainly didn't want to offend Subaru. "So," he finally said, after a long period of uncomfortably silence, "to what do I owe the honor of this visit?"
"I told you, I need to talk to you," Subaru said.
Seishirou pushed his half-full plate aside. "Well, the suspense is killing me."
Subaru bit back obvious distress at those words. He took a sip of his tea, steeling his nerves. "I . . ." His voice trailed off. He took a deep breath and forced himself to blurt it out, "I came to tell you I'm sorry," he said.
Seishirou blinked.
"About the way I've been treating you this week," Subaru continued, staring steadfastly into his tea mug. "That was incredibly unfair of me, especially since you did what you did to save me from pain."
"Oh, you noticed?" Seishirou said coolly. "Took you long enough."
Subaru stared at him, choking back what may have been a denial, or perhaps another apology. After a long second of silence, he said, "I deserved that. I know I did."
"Forget it," Seishirou said, looking away.
"No, you're -- "
"Forget it," Seishirou repeated, his voice sharper.
"Seishirou-san, you're right," Subaru said, his voice just as sharp. "I've been a complete and total brat to you this week, and I deserved that. But I . . . I didn't understand. You must know what it's like to try to reconcile two different lives. I'm just not very good at it. But I think . . . I think I understand now."
"Understand what, Subaru-kun?" Seishirou asked softly.
Subaru swallowed hard. "That . . . that we're different people. And it's okay to . . . to love you."
Seishirou laughed bitterly and looked away. "Go back to Kamui, Subaru-kun. He loves you, too, and he's more deserving of you than I could ever be."
Subaru shoved his tea aside. "I just came from Kamui's. I'll tell you the truth if that will help; I practically threw myself at him. Just like I did last lifetime, but this time he was smart enough to say no."
Seishirou stared at him.
Subaru looked away uncomfortably. "After . . . after you'd been dead for six months, Kamui found me in Ueno Park. I wasn't really all there. He . . . took care of me."
"If by 'taking care of you,' you mean 'sleeping with you,' I fail to see the connection," Seishirou said sourly.
Subaru sighed. "Seishirou-san . . . you were dead. And I needed some sort of comfort. If it's any consolation, I wasn't even thinking about him."
"Why would that be any consolation?" Seishirou asked. "That even after I was dead, you couldn't forget me? Even after I was dead, I was still hurting you."
Subaru shrugged. "I just thought that might make it . . . matter less."
"Subaru-kun, I don't care that you slept with Kamui," Seishirou said wearily. "I was dead; it certainly wasn't as if you were being disloyal." He looked away. "Would you have slept with him again, tonight?"
"I would have," Subaru said quietly, "if he hadn't turned me away."
"Why?" Seishirou asked.
Subaru shrugged again. "Because I thought, if I tried hard enough, I could force myself to love him instead."
"And why didn't you?"
"Because he made me see that I was wrong. And I couldn't hurt him like that. Not again."
"You couldn't have loved him?" Seishirou asked, his voice strained.
"Never," Subaru said, looking directly into Seishirou's eyes. "Never as much as I love you."
Seishirou laughed softly. "Love a murderer? Subaru-kun, really. Did you expect me to believe that?"
Subaru flinched away from the disdain in Seishirou's voice. "Why are you being so cruel?"
Seishirou shrugged. "Go away, Subaru-kun. Kamui will still take you if you whine loud enough."
Subaru flinched even more. "Is that what you think of me?" he challenged. "As a whiner?"
"Well, what else have you been doing for the past five days?" Seishirou replied, practically biting the words out.
"Damn it, you're not listening to me!" Subaru said, frustrated. "I came here to apologize, doesn't that mean anything to you?"
Seishirou sighed. "Subaru-kun, that means everything to me. But we can't be together. You can't accept what I am."
"I just did!" Subaru yelled. "You're not listening to a damn word I'm saying! Why are you so intent on pushing me away?!"
"Because you don't want to be with me, Subaru-kun," Seishirou said.
"That's just what you think," Subaru said, his voice tight and strained. "You've managed to convince yourself of it for some God awful reason, I don't know why." He pushed his hands through his hair. "Let's go talk in the living room. It's more comfortable."
Seishirou said nothing, but followed Subaru into the living room. Subaru thudded onto the couch; Seishirou remained standing in the doorway.
"Now talk to me," Subaru said insistently. "Tell me what you're thinking."
"Subaru-kun . . . Subaru." Seishirou leaned against the wall. "You deserve better than me."
"Why?" Subaru asked.
Seishirou refused to look at him. "When have I ever done anything that earned your love?"
"You've never done anything wrong in this lifetime," Subaru said. "And I think that's all that counts now. And . . . you became the Sakurazukamori for me. You became a murderer to protect me. And I know that wasn't easy for you; Kamui told me. I want to forget about last time, Seishirou-san. I want it just be us, the way it was before we remembered."
"I'll never forget last time," Seishirou said quietly.
"Seishirou-san, it wasn't even really your fault then," Subaru said. "You were born to do it; you never realized how wrong it was! It was your position to be a murderer; how could I be mad at you for that?"
Seishirou said nothing, still looking steadfastly away.
Light suddenly dawned on Subaru. "That's not what you're talking about, is it. That's not what you won't forgive yourself for."
Seishirou still wouldn't look at him.
"Sit down," Subaru said softly. "Please. I want to make this work."
Seishirou slowly walked over and sat down on the couch next to him, leaving a generous amount of space between them. When Subaru tried to inch closer, Seishirou just scooted further away.
A long moment of silence passed.
"It was the sex," Subaru said flatly. "Wasn't it."
Seishirou didn't answer, but he shivered.
"Seishirou-san . . ."
"How can you want me touching you?" Seishirou blurted out. "How can you want me near you? I can never forgive myself for doing that to you. I couldn't even have the common decency to rape you so you could blame it all on me. I made it your fault. And I knew what I was doing; I knew you would hate yourself for it, but I also knew you wouldn't be able to say no."
"Bullshit," Subaru said suddenly. "That's bullshit! I could've said no if I'd damn well put my mind to it, but I didn't, because I wanted it. I didn't want to admit that I wanted it, but that didn't change the fact that I did. Maybe you did me some good by making me see how blind I was to my own thoughts and wishes."
"Did you some good by forcing myself upon you?" Seishirou asked, his voice thin. "By making you live in shame, in self-hatred?"
"By making me stop denying who I really was," Subaru retorted. "And what I really wanted."
Seishirou shook his head. "It was wrong. It was unforgivable."
"I knew it was wrong, and I damn well didn't care," Subaru replied. "I would have sacrificed anything to be with you, Seishirou-san, and my pride didn't really seem like too much of a price when all was said and done. It wasn't doing me much good anyway."
"But I . . ." Seishirou was staring at the floor, an expression of utter self-loathing on his face. "How could I . . ."
"Would I have agreed any other way?" Subaru asked softly. "You know I wouldn't have. You made me see that I couldn't live without you. So maybe it was worth it . . . in the end."
"The ends don't justify the means," Seishirou said. "Not when that's what's involved."
There was a long pause. "You know what your problem is, Seishirou-san?"
"What?"
"You overanalyze. You're too smart for your own good. Really, I'm the one who should be placing blame for what happened. And if I say it's not your fault, then who are you to tell me I'm wrong?"
Seishirou looked up at him for a minute. He reached out as if to touch Subaru on the shoulder, then dropped his hand. "I can't," he said, his voice shaking. "I can't even bring myself to touch you. I might hurt you again. I don't want to hurt you anymore."
"You hurt me more by pushing me away," Subaru replied.
"I don't know what to do," Seishirou admitted, his voice barely a whisper.
Subaru smiled wanly. "Forgive and forget, maybe?"
"I'm not sure I ever can," Seishirou said. "But if you could forgive me . . . maybe it wouldn't matter as much." He got up suddenly, and knelt before Subaru. "Please . . . I know I don't have any right to ask for this, not at all, but . . . could you . . . please . . . forgive me?"
Subaru reached forward and pulled Seishirou so his head was in Subaru's lap. He knew it wasn't the time to try to remind Seishirou that it had been a different version of himself, or to remind him that it didn't matter. So all he said was, "Of course I forgive you, Seishirou-san."
Seishirou let out a breath he hadn't even realized he was holding. "Thank you, Subaru-kun," he murmured into Subaru's lap.
Subaru ran gentle fingers through Seishirou's hair. "Shh," he said. "It's okay. It's going to be okay, I promise. I love you. I forgive you."
"I love you too," Seishirou said. "I love you so much."
"I know," Subaru murmured.
****
//in their dreams, the need for forgiveness is so strong that it could potentially tear them apart, destroy their minds and their hearts.
but they don't need to dream any longer.//
****
