Chapter 3
Ash laid back inside the main quarters of the castle and smiled as he accepted the grapes which Bedevere was feeding him. On each side of him stood Galahad and Robin who were fanning him. Arthur stood watching him and wincing just a bit as Ash belched a few times.
Ash shut his eyes and tilted his head back, taking in the refreshing breeze. "Oh yeah, baby, that's it. Just a little more," he said in a sutry voice as he turned his head toward Galahad.
Galahad stopped and raised an eyebrow.
Ash opened his eyes. "Oh, that's right, you're a guy...sorry," he said nonchalantly.
Galahad stared at him with wide eyes, appearing just a bit insulted as if he were saying, "well, I should hope so!" He resumed the fanning.
Robin looked over at him. "I don't know why we have to do this. It's not as if he's a god or something," he said to Galahad in a sharp whisper.
"Just keep fanning, fan-boy!" Ash said arrogantly. Robin froze and broke out in a cold sweat, realizing that Ash had heard him. Galahad rolled his eyes.
"Any word from the Enchanter, sire?" Bedevere asked, turning his head toward Arthur.
Arthur nodded.
"He appeared most excited on learning of our...visitor."
He turned his head and looked grimly at Ash who by this time had started on a rack of lamb and was feasting on it gluttonously.
He stopped in mid-chew and looked up as he noticed Arthur staring at him.
"What?" he exclaimed.
Arthur turned back to Bedevere.
"The Enchanter will be paying us a visit. He left Rheged early this morn, thus he should be arriving shortly."
Bedevere nodded.
Ash finished his meal, then in absence of a napkin, he wiped his mouth on Robin's tunic.
"Hey!" Robin protested.
"What the hell is your problem? It blends in with all the other stains you've got on there," Ash remarked frankly as he pointed to Robin's soiled tunic.
Robin said not a word, but blushed deeply.
Ash threw his hands up.
"Okay," he began. "I've wined and dined and all that jazz. Now, who is this Enchanter and what does he have to do with me?"
"He is the wisest man in these parts!" Arthur exclaimed.
"And not only that, but he is one of the very few who have actually seen the Grail," Bedevere smiled.
Ash looked at him and raised an eyebrow.
"Really..." he began incredulously. "But I thought the legend said that you couldn't look upon that thing and live. So is this guy immortal or something?"
Bedevere lifted up the grating on his helmet and furrowed his brow in confusion.
"Er...no. He's a mortal, like all of us," he said quietly.
"Hey, no offense pal, but I think this 'Enchanter' is pullin' your chain," Ash smirked. "Either that, or he's..." He twirled his index finger around his head, making the "crazy" sign.
"...if you know what I mean."
Bedevere narrowed his eyes, then just turned and shrugged.
"Well, I'll tell ya something," Ash continued, still not aware that Bedevere had walked away. "As long as he can send me home, he's good in my book."
*************************************************
Ash turned as he noticed a woman entering the chamber out of the corner of his eye. She appeared to have her head down as if she were ashamed.
It was Zoot, the gorgeous-looking woman who just earlier had kicked him and wished him dead. Ash rolled his eyes as she approached him.
"Good stranger," she began. "I pray thee forgive me of what I have done. I thought thee one of Lancelot's men. I am not even worthy to occupy the same space as you."
She lowered her head in shame, though lifted it slightly, hoping he'd forgive her.
She didn't notice Sir Galahad giving her the hurtful look.
Ash snorted. "First you want me dead, now you want me in bed," he sneered.
Zoot narrowed her eyes.
"Take a hike," Ash sneered, gesturing with his thumb to the main door.
Her face fell and she slowly walked away from him. A broad grin spread across Galahad's face and he sighed happily.
As Zoot rest her hand upon the door and was about to exit, Galahad crossed the room until he was directly in front of her.
"Zoot?"
She turned around and looked up at him with her doe eyes.
"Shall I see you tonight?" he smiled slyly.
Zoot appeared a bit disappointed, but she looked up at the knight and gave him a half smile.
"I'll think about it," she said softly. With that she exited the room and Galahad stood there, crossing his fingers. He looked up and blushed as he noticed Ash sitting there looking at him amusedly.
Just then, Bedevere re-entered the chamber excitedly.
"My liege, the Enchanter has arrived!" he proclaimed.
*******************************************************
Arthur's servant Patsy sounded the horn in anticipation of the Enchanter's arrival. The knights stopped what they were doing and directed their attention to the door.
Ash sat up and noticed a tall figure entering the chamber. He had long, flowing, tattered robes and a long, gray beard and mustache. A helmet with ram horns adorned his head, and he carried a long staff with him.
Ash looked the eccentric figure up and down and raised an eyebrow.
"Ah, Tim! Wonderful to see you again," Arthur declared.
The Enchanter nodded.
"Ach, now where's the Promised One?" he asked in a thick Scottish accent.
Bedevere pointed to Ash.
The Enchanter's eyes lit up and he slowly walked over to Ash.
"Ahhhhh..." he uttered in a soft raspy tone, quite impressed by the stranger.
"Well, look at Mister Fancy Pants here," Ash sneered. The Enchanter ignored him.
Ash's face softened when he realized this was the person who might be his only hope in returning home.
"Don't think I caught the name, pal."
"There are some who call me...... Tim?" he answered.
Ash nodded. "Ah. Tim..... Ash." he extended his hand.
Tim merely stared at him.
Ash furrowed his brow in confusion, then shrugged and drew his hand back.
"Greetings, Strange One!" Tim proclaimed, getting spit all over Ash's face.
Ash winced and wiped his face with the back of his hand.
"Geez! Say it, don't spray it, huh?"
Tim's eyes narrowed as he looked down at the chainsaw fashioned to Ash's arm.
"So what's the deal, can you send me back or what?" Ash asked impatiently.
"Aye," Tim nodded. "I can send ye back, but my powers to do so are useless without one main object," he said emphatically.
Ash wiped more spit out of his eyes and looked up at Tim.
"And what the hell might that be?" Ash said quietly, though losing his patience more by the minute.
"The Necronomicon," Tim answered boldly. "Within its passages holds the power which can transport you back to your own time."
Ash's eyes widened. It was the very book which had caused him trouble in the first place.
"What???" he said disbelievably.
Bedevere stepped forward. "Yes, the Necronomicon, an unholy book which we require as well. It contains information on the exact whereabouts of the Holy Grail. Only you, the one who has been prophesized to aid us on our Quest, can search for it."
Ash finally lost it. "Look, I don't want your book, I don't want your Grail, I don't need this bullshit. All I want to do is go home. Now. This second..."
He was interrupted as he noticed a large cauldron had been tipped over, spilling its contents. The old crone who had been stirring the mead had her back to the room.
Suddenly, she spun around and her eyes appeared blank. Her mouth opened widely, revealing a set of rotting teeth.
"YOU SHALL DIE!!!" she shrieked.
Arthur and the knights' eyes widened in terror as they frantically backed away from her.
She rose up in the air and jerked around, like a marionette.
"YOU WILL NEVER OBTAIN THE NECRONOMICON!! YOU WILL NEVER OBTAIN THE HOLY GRAIL!!" she shrieked again.
"WE SHALL FEAST UPON YOUR SOOOOOOOOULLLLLLL....."
Suddenly she became quiet and dropped to the floor. As she lie still, Arthur cautiously tiptoed up to her and went to lay a hand on her.
Ash rushed up to stop him.
"No, don't, it's a trick," he warned Arthur earnestly. "Get an axe. Or a sword. Anything."
Arthur turned around, but slightly in midstep the possessed old crone awakened with a fury. She rose sharply and began punching Arthur in the face.
Bedevere tried to apprehend her, but she grabbed the cauldron and splashed the mead all over him.
"AHHH!!! My face, my face!!" he cried melodramatically.
Robin hid in the corner behind a suit of armor, whimpering.
Galahad raised his sword, but the crone flipped herself up in the air and over the knight's head. She was about to strike him when the loud boom of a shotgun made her stop and direct her attention toward the back of the room.
Ash stood silently, aiming his shotgun squarely at the crone.
"Yo, she-bitch. Let's go, you and me." He reloaded the gun.
The old crone opened her mouth and hissed loudly at him. She advanced toward him and began fighting him with a series of punches. Ash rammed her in the face with the butt of his shotgun.
Finally, she flipped herself up in the air and landed right behind Ash.
BOOM!!
Ash fired one bullet from behind, resting the shotgun on his back.
The crone staggered and convulsed as she was hit, then collapsed to the ground where she died. Ash blew the smoke at the end of the gun. Arthur and the knights stared down at the crone, then back at each other with wide eyes.
Tim immediately rushed up to him.
"Don't you see?? If we do not have this book in our possession, we will be consumed by this evil! All that will await us is DEATH with nasty big pointy teeth!!"
Ash winced as he was hit in the face with more spit.
"Sheesh, does anyone have an umbrella around here?"
He looked back up at Tim who was eyeing him seriously. Arthur and the other knights stepped up to him.
"Now wilt thou quest for the book??"
********************************************
Chapter 4 coming soon!
Ash laid back inside the main quarters of the castle and smiled as he accepted the grapes which Bedevere was feeding him. On each side of him stood Galahad and Robin who were fanning him. Arthur stood watching him and wincing just a bit as Ash belched a few times.
Ash shut his eyes and tilted his head back, taking in the refreshing breeze. "Oh yeah, baby, that's it. Just a little more," he said in a sutry voice as he turned his head toward Galahad.
Galahad stopped and raised an eyebrow.
Ash opened his eyes. "Oh, that's right, you're a guy...sorry," he said nonchalantly.
Galahad stared at him with wide eyes, appearing just a bit insulted as if he were saying, "well, I should hope so!" He resumed the fanning.
Robin looked over at him. "I don't know why we have to do this. It's not as if he's a god or something," he said to Galahad in a sharp whisper.
"Just keep fanning, fan-boy!" Ash said arrogantly. Robin froze and broke out in a cold sweat, realizing that Ash had heard him. Galahad rolled his eyes.
"Any word from the Enchanter, sire?" Bedevere asked, turning his head toward Arthur.
Arthur nodded.
"He appeared most excited on learning of our...visitor."
He turned his head and looked grimly at Ash who by this time had started on a rack of lamb and was feasting on it gluttonously.
He stopped in mid-chew and looked up as he noticed Arthur staring at him.
"What?" he exclaimed.
Arthur turned back to Bedevere.
"The Enchanter will be paying us a visit. He left Rheged early this morn, thus he should be arriving shortly."
Bedevere nodded.
Ash finished his meal, then in absence of a napkin, he wiped his mouth on Robin's tunic.
"Hey!" Robin protested.
"What the hell is your problem? It blends in with all the other stains you've got on there," Ash remarked frankly as he pointed to Robin's soiled tunic.
Robin said not a word, but blushed deeply.
Ash threw his hands up.
"Okay," he began. "I've wined and dined and all that jazz. Now, who is this Enchanter and what does he have to do with me?"
"He is the wisest man in these parts!" Arthur exclaimed.
"And not only that, but he is one of the very few who have actually seen the Grail," Bedevere smiled.
Ash looked at him and raised an eyebrow.
"Really..." he began incredulously. "But I thought the legend said that you couldn't look upon that thing and live. So is this guy immortal or something?"
Bedevere lifted up the grating on his helmet and furrowed his brow in confusion.
"Er...no. He's a mortal, like all of us," he said quietly.
"Hey, no offense pal, but I think this 'Enchanter' is pullin' your chain," Ash smirked. "Either that, or he's..." He twirled his index finger around his head, making the "crazy" sign.
"...if you know what I mean."
Bedevere narrowed his eyes, then just turned and shrugged.
"Well, I'll tell ya something," Ash continued, still not aware that Bedevere had walked away. "As long as he can send me home, he's good in my book."
*************************************************
Ash turned as he noticed a woman entering the chamber out of the corner of his eye. She appeared to have her head down as if she were ashamed.
It was Zoot, the gorgeous-looking woman who just earlier had kicked him and wished him dead. Ash rolled his eyes as she approached him.
"Good stranger," she began. "I pray thee forgive me of what I have done. I thought thee one of Lancelot's men. I am not even worthy to occupy the same space as you."
She lowered her head in shame, though lifted it slightly, hoping he'd forgive her.
She didn't notice Sir Galahad giving her the hurtful look.
Ash snorted. "First you want me dead, now you want me in bed," he sneered.
Zoot narrowed her eyes.
"Take a hike," Ash sneered, gesturing with his thumb to the main door.
Her face fell and she slowly walked away from him. A broad grin spread across Galahad's face and he sighed happily.
As Zoot rest her hand upon the door and was about to exit, Galahad crossed the room until he was directly in front of her.
"Zoot?"
She turned around and looked up at him with her doe eyes.
"Shall I see you tonight?" he smiled slyly.
Zoot appeared a bit disappointed, but she looked up at the knight and gave him a half smile.
"I'll think about it," she said softly. With that she exited the room and Galahad stood there, crossing his fingers. He looked up and blushed as he noticed Ash sitting there looking at him amusedly.
Just then, Bedevere re-entered the chamber excitedly.
"My liege, the Enchanter has arrived!" he proclaimed.
*******************************************************
Arthur's servant Patsy sounded the horn in anticipation of the Enchanter's arrival. The knights stopped what they were doing and directed their attention to the door.
Ash sat up and noticed a tall figure entering the chamber. He had long, flowing, tattered robes and a long, gray beard and mustache. A helmet with ram horns adorned his head, and he carried a long staff with him.
Ash looked the eccentric figure up and down and raised an eyebrow.
"Ah, Tim! Wonderful to see you again," Arthur declared.
The Enchanter nodded.
"Ach, now where's the Promised One?" he asked in a thick Scottish accent.
Bedevere pointed to Ash.
The Enchanter's eyes lit up and he slowly walked over to Ash.
"Ahhhhh..." he uttered in a soft raspy tone, quite impressed by the stranger.
"Well, look at Mister Fancy Pants here," Ash sneered. The Enchanter ignored him.
Ash's face softened when he realized this was the person who might be his only hope in returning home.
"Don't think I caught the name, pal."
"There are some who call me...... Tim?" he answered.
Ash nodded. "Ah. Tim..... Ash." he extended his hand.
Tim merely stared at him.
Ash furrowed his brow in confusion, then shrugged and drew his hand back.
"Greetings, Strange One!" Tim proclaimed, getting spit all over Ash's face.
Ash winced and wiped his face with the back of his hand.
"Geez! Say it, don't spray it, huh?"
Tim's eyes narrowed as he looked down at the chainsaw fashioned to Ash's arm.
"So what's the deal, can you send me back or what?" Ash asked impatiently.
"Aye," Tim nodded. "I can send ye back, but my powers to do so are useless without one main object," he said emphatically.
Ash wiped more spit out of his eyes and looked up at Tim.
"And what the hell might that be?" Ash said quietly, though losing his patience more by the minute.
"The Necronomicon," Tim answered boldly. "Within its passages holds the power which can transport you back to your own time."
Ash's eyes widened. It was the very book which had caused him trouble in the first place.
"What???" he said disbelievably.
Bedevere stepped forward. "Yes, the Necronomicon, an unholy book which we require as well. It contains information on the exact whereabouts of the Holy Grail. Only you, the one who has been prophesized to aid us on our Quest, can search for it."
Ash finally lost it. "Look, I don't want your book, I don't want your Grail, I don't need this bullshit. All I want to do is go home. Now. This second..."
He was interrupted as he noticed a large cauldron had been tipped over, spilling its contents. The old crone who had been stirring the mead had her back to the room.
Suddenly, she spun around and her eyes appeared blank. Her mouth opened widely, revealing a set of rotting teeth.
"YOU SHALL DIE!!!" she shrieked.
Arthur and the knights' eyes widened in terror as they frantically backed away from her.
She rose up in the air and jerked around, like a marionette.
"YOU WILL NEVER OBTAIN THE NECRONOMICON!! YOU WILL NEVER OBTAIN THE HOLY GRAIL!!" she shrieked again.
"WE SHALL FEAST UPON YOUR SOOOOOOOOULLLLLLL....."
Suddenly she became quiet and dropped to the floor. As she lie still, Arthur cautiously tiptoed up to her and went to lay a hand on her.
Ash rushed up to stop him.
"No, don't, it's a trick," he warned Arthur earnestly. "Get an axe. Or a sword. Anything."
Arthur turned around, but slightly in midstep the possessed old crone awakened with a fury. She rose sharply and began punching Arthur in the face.
Bedevere tried to apprehend her, but she grabbed the cauldron and splashed the mead all over him.
"AHHH!!! My face, my face!!" he cried melodramatically.
Robin hid in the corner behind a suit of armor, whimpering.
Galahad raised his sword, but the crone flipped herself up in the air and over the knight's head. She was about to strike him when the loud boom of a shotgun made her stop and direct her attention toward the back of the room.
Ash stood silently, aiming his shotgun squarely at the crone.
"Yo, she-bitch. Let's go, you and me." He reloaded the gun.
The old crone opened her mouth and hissed loudly at him. She advanced toward him and began fighting him with a series of punches. Ash rammed her in the face with the butt of his shotgun.
Finally, she flipped herself up in the air and landed right behind Ash.
BOOM!!
Ash fired one bullet from behind, resting the shotgun on his back.
The crone staggered and convulsed as she was hit, then collapsed to the ground where she died. Ash blew the smoke at the end of the gun. Arthur and the knights stared down at the crone, then back at each other with wide eyes.
Tim immediately rushed up to him.
"Don't you see?? If we do not have this book in our possession, we will be consumed by this evil! All that will await us is DEATH with nasty big pointy teeth!!"
Ash winced as he was hit in the face with more spit.
"Sheesh, does anyone have an umbrella around here?"
He looked back up at Tim who was eyeing him seriously. Arthur and the other knights stepped up to him.
"Now wilt thou quest for the book??"
********************************************
Chapter 4 coming soon!