Title: Without You
Author: Jennifer Zoromski AKA Jennis524
Spoilers: Pilot, mentions of bits from all seasons, Some from season eight
Category: Scully Angst/MSR/Alternate Ending to series
Rating: PG13
Summery: Scully finds her self in the same predicament that she was in two years ago: alone and pregnant.
Archive: Anywhere--just let me know
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Chris Carter, 1013, and Fox, I'm just borrowing.
Author's Note: I wrote part of this awhile back and we are going to pretend that Scully had a normal pregnancy with William and had him in February like she should have. Also, William was never given away and Scully didn't go to Quantico, she's still on the X-Files with Doggett.
Anyways, Enjoy! Please R&R, more to come.
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February 15, 2002
Scully's Apartment
The gentle rocking of an abandoned swing forces me to close my eyes and remember a time when that swing wasn't abandoned. But the image never comes only a black and endless image of self-regret and guilt.
My arms throb to hold my baby, the child that was my beautiful miracle. My heart aches to love a human being with so much compassion like I loved Mulder. I would give everything I have ever owned, sell my soul, and die for one more minute with William. I'd give everything for a second chance.
But as I stare at the uneaten birthday cake with one candle on it my salvation never comes. I expect to hear his footsteps walking down the wooden hall, but I know that my ears will not hear the intense beat of his heavy shoes. I need to hear a cry from my infant son, but the music of his sounding cries never comes.
The clock on the wall starts to tick away my life.
I have lost everything: Mulder, the love of my life, and William, my angel in disguise. How is one supposed to pick up the pieces of one's life if there is nothing left to live for?
Will and Mulder were killed in a hit and run accident late last night. It hurts to breathe. I told myself that I would be able to live, but I can't. I miss them too damn much.
I try to think back to before Will and Mulder. And after a long time of just sitting and staring out the window I realize that I can't. Somewhere deep with in I blocked out those memories of the time before them. The daylight begins to fade away as the darkness overtakes the silent sun.
I stare off into the nothingness of my deepest despair as my mother tries to comfort me for hours. Her comforting words and arms do not help.
"Dana, honey, you need to eat something," my mom says breaking my trance like state.
I just stare at her. My heart broke into a million pieces the moment I heard the dreaded words that both Mulder and William were dead.
"Dana, talk to me."
I shiver as a cold chill goes down my spine.
"How can we believe in a God that gives us such a cruel fate?" My mother starts to respond, but I continue to talk. I remind her of everything I've ever been through. My abduction where they performed tests on my weakened body leaving me barren and with a chip in my neck was the beginning of my prolonged emotions that have been pent up too long. I continue my bitter rant reminding my mother of my incurable cancer, the loss of a daughter I barely knew.
I told her that I had lost Mulder once before. I buried him in the cold earth only a little over a year and a half ago, but somehow he was never really dead. He came back to me a different person. Mulder could never fully get over his abduction.
After my raving speech I collapse in a state of exhaustion. My mother stares at me shocked for a moment. I believe she actually felt what I felt for the past eight years. All of the hardships I never expected to have. My mother left me alone in my apartment as she went to visit the outside world.
I just don't fell like doing anything. My body aches for both the touch of my son and Mulder.
The apartment becomes darker as the sun goes down and I find myself sitting alone, staring at nothing. If I strain my ears hard enough I think I can hear my son's laughter echoing through the rooms. If I close my eyes long enough I picture Mulder with his deep hazel gaze, brown hair, his pouty lips, and his dry-wit humor.
And then I completely lose it.
Sobs rack through my body like a cascading waterfall. Every emotion that I had hid found its way to the surface.
Then I start to remember my life with Mulder: from his suspicious gaze when we first met, to his need to find a truth we both sought desperately for, for eight years.
I remember all of the emotional roller coasters I was put on with Mulder. Starting with when he faked his own death, disappeared, ditched me numerous times, and finally his abduction and death. When I brought him back to life I was so sure that he would never die. He escaped death so many times that it amazes me he made it past the four-year mark, but I think back then it wouldn't have felt like I had absolutely nothing to life for. We were close, but not as close as we had gotten.
I fall asleep in my chair with tears flowing down my face and thoughts of the two guys I loved with my whole heart and soul in my head.
Three Days Later--February 18, 2002
St. Joseph's Cemetery
"We lay to rest the bodies of Fox William Mulder and his son William Fox Mulder. Dust to dust; ashes to ashes," the minister recites without blinking an eye.
I block out the droning sounds of the man who was reading the final rites of Mulder and my son. I stare at the tiny white casket that holds my son's small, precious body. Images start to flash before my eyes as I see my son again. I see myself pregnant with him, my miracle, my abdomen swollen with him. It was so easy then I was his protector. Any emotion I felt; he felt. I remember the first time I felt him move with in me. Moments like that got me through the six months without Mulder.
Images of his miraculous birth stream before my eyes. Hearing him cry for the first time was the greatest moment of my life.
Mulder saved us. Mulder saved me. I wish I could thank him for that. He saved me from myself. I would never have made it this far and I wouldn't have experienced the joys of motherhood if it weren't for Mulder.
I stare long and hard at the white casket next to Will's. The man I've loved for nine years lies there in that coffin; never to awaken again or stare at me intently with is deep hazel eyes. I think back over all of the years. I only have known him for ten years, a decade, almost a fourth of my life, but he changed me. He made me a better person; he gave me the courage to believe.
I close my eyes and watch the last ten years on re-wind. I can see Mulder with Will being an awesome father. I watch him, as he was both my friend and finally my lover. I relive my emotions of finding Mulder dead and bringing him back to life. I watch as Mulder and I share a final hug in the J. Edgar Hoover Building before he leaves for Oregon for a final time leaving me alone and pregnant.
I relive the last official case we worked on as agents of the FBI, which ironically involved the same case as our first.
I watch as Mulder leads me around from finding the truth on his sister, closure of her case, to the Rain Kind, a fluke man, and all the way back to our first case with alien abductees. There are so many memories to remember and watch.
"Dana," my mother whispers in my ear, interrupting my thoughts. I jump slightly, but I open my eyes and stare at my mother.
I nearly start to cry, but for some reason I remain cold as ice.
My mother looks at me worried and she moves toward me trying to comfort me. Surprisingly I don't back down.
"Oh mom," I say starting to bawl, "Please tell me this isn't true, please tell me that that is someone else in those coffins, not my son or Mulder. Please mom make it all go away," I plead with my mother.
She pulls me in closer to her shoulder and I sob, letting go completely.
"Dana, honey, I'm so sorry," she says through her own tears.
We hold one another for a long time. The mourners leave one by one throwing a handful of dirt into the two graves.
I pull way from my mother as the last mourner leaves. I take a handful of the soft earth in my hands and sprinkle it over Will's grave.
"Goodbye, my beautiful son," I whisper, "Goodbye."
I walk over to Mulder's open grave and pull out a handful of sunflower seeds. I take a seed from the pile for myself and throw the rest in his grave.
"Hope you don't miss these in Heaven, Mulder," I pause regaining my composure. "Mulder, please take care of Will. I need to be assured that he is safe...I love you Mulder. I always have."
As if on cue the leaves start to rustle in the wind. If I strained hard enough I could almost hear Mulder's voice and Will's laugh on the wind.
Rain starts to poor. I believe the angels were crying for all of this: the complete nothing of my life.
I watch as the dirt becomes mud and I want to jump in Will's grave to keep him warm and safe, but my mother instinctively pulls me away. Three days ago was Will's first birthday, but it was also his last.
We get to my mom's car, but I don't make it into the car. My world starts to spin as it goes black. I can hear my mother screaming, but the screams fade out as a bright light announces its presence. A figure stands in front of the light. The man looks heavenly.
TO BE CONTINUED