~*+*~

She found the Betazoid in the Arboretum, sitting beneath a huge willow with her arms wrapped around her knees, her face shielded by black, silky curls. Beverly sat down beside her and tried to wrap her arms around Deanna's body, but she jerked away from her touch.

"Dea, I know you're scared and uncertain. But that will all be over tomorrow. Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of your life, believe me I've been there." But instead of agreeing to her words as she had expected Deanna looked up, tears brimming in her huge eyes.

"Have you ever heard of the Earth saying 'History is designed to repeat itself'?" Cautiously Beverly seized her up.

"Yes I have."

"Well, I never believed it…until an hour ago." They locked gazes. A link Beverly Crusher used to get an answer to her unvoiced question.

"Oh no…Deanna no." Pulling the empath closer Beverly hugged her fiercely.

"I--I walked in on them…they were in the bedroom…" Sobs interfered with her words and finally her tears began to fall. "How...How could he?! How cou--could he do this to me?!" Beverly's heart went out to the younger woman sitting next to her. All she could think of was to pull Deanna even closer against her, while she silently cursed Will.

Deanna was shaking vigorously, loud agonized cries racked through her small body and Beverly was sure that those cries could be heard throughout the ship. And all she could do as holding her tight and sussing gently. "It hurts Beverly...It hurts *so* much!!!" Stroking Deanna's dark hair she responded with the only answer she had.

"I know Dea, I know." And she did. She had lost her husband a long time ago. But still she knew that Deanna's pain was sharper and greater than her own had been. "But it'll fade. I can promise you that much." Slowly Deanna nodded, then lifted her head up and wiped her tears away with the palms of her hands. She stood up and watched her red-haired friend getting up as well. As soon as she stood Beverly grabbed Deanna's small hands with her own and squeezed them gently.

"You'll get over this Dea, you're strong enough." Smiling weakly the Betazoid confirmed her words.

"Beverly, could you please send all the guests my regrets? I'll inform the Captain myself." Without saying a word the Doctor agreed, she was about to say something when Deanna suddenly diverted her gaze. Following the direction the empath was looking at she found herself standing eye in eye with Will Riker.

"Deanna?"

"It's alright Bev. Please send the messages." Slightly inclining her head to answer Deanna's request she turned around and headed to the exit door. Throwing Will a disdainful glance as she passed him by.

~*+*~

Calmly Deanna lowered herself to the ground, patiently looking up at him. Will didn't know if he should sit down as well or remain standing, towering above her. He decided to remain standing. Studying her face he could easily see she'd been crying. He also noticed that the vibrant sparkle that usually dominated her black eyes had disappeared.

"Deanna, I'm *so* sorry."

"I know." She replied calmly. "I am too." Suspiciously he looked at her. Why didn't she get angry? Why wasn't she yelling at him? There wasn't even a trace of sarcasm in her voice. Just hurt, defeat and sadness. And that worried him more than anything else.

"Deanna, what I did last night was wrong."

"It was." Her statement didn't hold any acquisition or anger, only defeat. He knew Deanna Troi, he knew that even though she could control her fury and anger very well, she too had her limits. His experience told him she was well past those limits. And he realized that maybe he was too far past them.

"Deanna if I could go back in time and change last night I would do so without hesitation. There's nothing, *nothing* I regret more than what I did last night." 'Except me catching you.' Her comment she held to herself, not willing to voice it. Will Riker was normally a patient man in private matters but her lack of anger annoyed him and he lost his composure.

"Damn it Deanna! Talk to me! Yell, kick, curse, ANYTHING!!!" Eying him silently she rose to her feet.

"You want me to talk? Fine, I'll talk." Will clenched his teeth together, unwilling to show her how much her calm attitude infuriated him. "When you told me that I didn't have the guts to marry you, not because of our careers, but because I didn't trust you anymore as a lover you were right. Part of me never left that hotel on Risa where I waited for you. And I didn't trust you not to walk out on me again. But after a week analysing my feelings, your feelings and Beverly's speeches I decided to take the chance." She slowly turned around and faced him. "I jumped Will. I jumped and fell flat on my face." Her voice was still calm and cold, but her eyes were showing tears again.

"Deanna, we can still..." Dropping her head she sadly shook it as she cut him off.

"No we can't Will. *I* can't." Despite her every effort to hold back her tears they dropped, one by one rolling down as tiny diamonds.

"But last night meant *nothing*, I had too much alcohol, I wasn't thinking straight! I made myself believe that it was all right, that I could get away with it. And you told me that Betazoids don't value sex as humans do. That married Betazoids can allow each other to have other sex partners." For a brief moment her eyes flashed with fury.

"Maybe, just *maybe* that would count for me Will, but you *are* human. And no matter *what* the Betazoids belief of sex, *you* *were* wrong."

"And I won't deny that. But..." Deanna closed her eyes and threw her head backwards.

"You don't get it do you? You're forgetting the very same point you tried so hard to make me see last night. I *am* a halfling. I *am* half human and I *am* hurt by your actions last night. More deeply hurt than you'll ever know, more than I'll ever be able to articulate. And even *if* I could hide behind Betazoid beliefs how would I know you won't use that very same belief against me in the future?" He took one step towards her, but the look in her eyes warned him not to take another one in the same direction.

"Deanna, I would never intentionally hurt you." Deanna began to laugh, softly, inwardly at first, but soon her laughing became louder, hysterical and devilish.

"William, even *Data* would not be able to count how many times you've told me that. And yet...somehow you hurt me over and *over* again." He'd almost sighed in relief now that the sarcasm and anger could be heard in her voice. "Now if you'll excuse me. I have a wedding to cancel." Open mouthed he watched her as she wiped the tears off her pretty face and walked to the doors to, mere second later, disappear behind them.

~*+*~

Uncertain what to say he quietly observed her for a few moments. The minute she had entered his Ready Room he had noticed that the usual spark that made her eyes twinkle was missing and in the conversation that followed he realized that Deanna Troi was using every ounce of willpower not to break down in front of him. She was definitely hurting and he couldn't think of a thing that could've happened which would cause her so much distress.

"Deanna, are you sure?" Troi lowered her eyes to the floor but almost instantly raised them to meet his.

"Yes." She hadn't offered him any explanation for the cancellation of her wedding. That in itself was very unusual. Deanna Troi always offered an explanation for anything she was doing, unless explaining caused her a great deal of anguish. With pain in his heart he agreed with her wishes. Relieved, she thanked him and returned to her quarters.

~*+*~

Looking in her mirror she wondered how she could've let it come this far. For the second time in her life she had allowed Will Riker to enter her heart and soul, opened up to him. And for the second time he had hurt her, had crushed her heart until it fell into a thousand pieces.

Her reflection didn't offer her much comfort, it never had. Washing her face with cold water she wondered how she could, should go on. Could she stay on the Enterprise? The ship she had called her home for nearly two decades. The ship which carried so many memories of friends, of missions, of losses and of him.

Will would leave the Enterprise, he had been offered captaincy of the U.S.S. Titan, a newly built  Galaxy-class Starship. The original plan was that she'd accompany him, as his wife as well as Ship's Counselor, but now…She couldn't join him on the Titan that much was sure.

Looking around her quarters she saw flashes of herself and Will. Sitting on her couch together, leaning against the bulkheads watching out to the stars, lying on the floor, in her bed. Every item carried a memory and every memory lead back to him one way or the other.

Walking into her bedroom her eyes fell on her wedding dress. The long white dress had fit her perfectly, clung around her body like a second skin. In order to satisfy her mother as much as possible the bodice was extremely low-cut and the back was left open until just above her hips. An extremely sexy dress, she and Beverly had agreed, one that would knock Will off his feet without a doubt.

Deanna picked up the hairband that was lying on the table and fingered it absently. Pictures of herself and Will in the Jalara jungle flashed through her psyche. In a moment of pure fury and hurt she tore the fragile gauze hairband to shreds. Dumbly looking at what was left of the attire she had made she realized that she couldn't stay on the Enterprise. Too many memories, too many that reminded her of him.

~*+*~

After ten minutes he still stood at the very same spot in the Arboretum as where he had been standing when she walked out. He realized that he could never make up for the hurt he had caused her. Images of her flashed through his mind.

Her beautiful face when she woke up after being assaulted by Jev, the look in her eyes when Thomas had come on board. Deanna lying in Sickbay, on the verge of dying. An unfamiliar, yet familiar Romulan face that greeted the Captain. He remembered finding Deanna unconscious and bleeding in the Turbolift after Data had attacked her. He saw her as she grieved for her lost son and when she verbally fought her mother. Their very first meeting played in his mind, Deanna naked in the chapel at Chandra Xerx's wedding. He heard the words she spoke to him when they met each other onboard the Enterprise-D. He felt his jealousy when she was seeing Devinoni Ral, or Rick, or Aaron Conner, or that sneaky little fellow whose name he had forgotten, or Thomas, or Worf.

With his eyes fixed on the spot where she had been standing he saw himself proposing to her, he saw her tears of doubt when she told him she had to think and he saw her tears of joy when she accepted, one week later. He didn't know how long he had been standing, or how long he would be, at that instant all he knew was that he had lost her, forever. And tears fell down, burning into his skin.