~*+*~
"Deanna? Open up." Too
impatient to wait any longer he used his authorization to overwrite the lock on
her door. The scent and illumination of candles welcomed him as he entered her
quarters. His eyes fell on the woman on the floor. Her feet were bare and long
black curls cascaded down her shoulders and back. Slowly he walked around her
until he could look directly at her face.
The light of the candles around her
threw mysterious shadows on her features. To his shock he could see she was
crying, tears were escaping from her closed eyes and trailed paths down her
cheeks. With her arms folded across her chest she reminded him of an injured
bird with it's wings folded in protection.
"Deanna?" There wasn't the slightest reaction, not a single
indication she was aware of his presence. "Deanna?" A little more
forcefully now he called her name, for the moment he didn't care he was
interrupting her meditation he wanted to talk and he wanted to talk now.
"Deanna!" Startled she
jumped to her feet, accidentally bumping over the candle at her left. Its flame
died even before it hit the floor, but she didn't notice,
her eyes fixed on the man in front of her. His thoughts and unvoiced questions
penetrated her mind, accompanied by the onslaught of his emotions. The force of
them forced her to take a step back to keep herself from falling. "Are you
all right?" Bewildered she stared at him for a second, his words making no
more sense to her than French, but a fraction later the confusion wore off and
she answered him.
"Yeah...I'm...I'm fine, just a
bit dizzy." Still a bit unsteady on her feet she moved to blow out all the
candles, after having ordered the computer to put on the light. A bit taken a back by her behaviour Riker could all but stare at
her until she stood directly in front of him. "So? Why are you
here?"
As he recalled the purpose of his
visit his eyes hardened, a change that did not go unnoticed by Deanna.
"I'm tired of being beat around the bush, I want some answers and I wanted
them yesterday." She was bit thrown off by his use of an ancient phrase
--she had never quite mastered all of them-- but her telepathy had no
difficulties at all translating it. "I told you Captain," emphasizing
his rank intentionally, she too allowed her eyes to harden, "I do not intend
to explain anything to you."
Her defiant stance earned her a
glare as he took a step towards her. "I don't care what you *intend*
Ambassador, but if I don't get an answer, I will abort this mission."
Shocked by his thread it took her a second to regain her composure,
"you're not authorized to do so."
"I don't care. As long as
you're onboard my ship I am responsible for you safety and health."
"KaRA Will!
Echi ta ih'ari zinque Anna ta Criot, Kleizu'tzi!" Riker
blinked at her alien words, not quite sure if he'd heard her correctly. When he
realized he had he tried to make sense of the sentence relying on the tiny bit
of Betazoid he knew, but all he could deduct was the
curse 'damn you!' and 'five years'.
"Forgive but Ambassador, but my Betazoid is a bit rusty." The words had left his mouth
before he even realized it and his tone was much sharper than he wanted it to
be.
"Oh, my mistake Captain," she
returned coldly and then called out to computer, "Computer: download
translation program Troi-Beta-xi." She didn't bother
to return his quizzical look, nor did she explain why she didn't simply
translate that one sentence and then continued in Standard. She was only too
aware that she began to mix her maternal language with Standard more and more,
especially when a conversation turned a bit more heated. Since archaic Betazoid was a language only spoken by Betazed's
House Members there were no standard translation-programs, therefore she had
more or less created one herself.
Will stared at her as she ordered
the computer to install the translation program. He had never known Deanna to
speak Betazoid in the company of Starfleet officers,
perhaps apart from a curse or scream of pleasure here and there. What worried
him was that she hadn't seemed to notice her switch of language. "Okay Deanna,
just what the hell is going on?" Her head snapped up as she, apart from his
words, also heard his thoughts.
"No William Riker, I'm not *too*
proud to tell. It's personal and I assure you it will *not* affect my negotiating
abilities." Troi clenched her teeth together in an
attempt to keep her rising anger inside, but the anger and frustration
emanating from Riker didn't exactly help her to keep her calm. Will on his turn
was fed up with her evasive manoeuvres, ever since she'd come onboard she'd
managed to avoid him, treating him like nothing more than an annoying
insubordinate officer.
"It already did!" Sometimes it
really sucked to be a telepath, it hadn't taken Deanna long to figure that out
when her abilities began to broaden. His words didn't infuriate her at all, but
his thoughts where a completely different matter.
"No Will, I'm not too proud to
acknowledge my mistakes, or to admit that I'm not completely healthy and I'm
certainly not too aristocratic to allow others to see my weaknesses. But I *do
not* feel *any* obligation to explain my condition to *you*. *If* my illness
would affect my judgement, the Federation Council would never have allowed me
to continue these negotiations without back-up." But her words were lost on
him, for he hadn't heard a thing she said after confirming she *was* ill.
"So you *are* ill." The Betazoid just stared at him, not confirming or denying his
words vocally. Nonetheless Riker knew the answer. "Then the Council should
postpone the negotiations until you're better."
"I won't *get* better!!!" she
yelled, for the first time since she'd learned about her terminal illness she
acknowledged that she wouldn't get better. Oh she'd said it before, but not
quite like -this- and never before had the meaning really sunk in. She wouldn't
get better, she wouldn't get to see her daughter marry and have children, she
wouldn't get to see her godchildren grow up, in a couple of years she wouldn't
*be* at all. And all of them she was to blame on *him*.
The man who
still owned her soul, but didn't realize it. The man whom she loved beyond words, but had hurt her
so profoundly that she didn't dare to acknowledge that love. The man who
had continued his life and now had everything she had ever wanted. And she? She had a beautiful daughter whom she loved with
all her heart, but she was alone. No love couldn't equal the love of a soulmate,
no love could fill the void in her heart and soul. Except the love of the man
who was killing her.
"What?" His stammer caused her to
look up at him, seeing him take a step back in shock.
"You heard me." Riker was about to
respond when the door hissed open and Kyleigh stormed
in. "Mom?! Are you all right?" She came to an abrupt halt right in front of
Riker and his breath stuck in his throat as her dark eyes shot daggers at him.
"Leave my mother alone!!!"
"Kyleigh,"
Deanna's calm voice called out and made the younger Troi
hold back whatever she was going to say, "I'll be fine, go back to your date."
"Mom! You can't handle another attack, you *know* that!"
Deanna's heart winched as she saw and sensed her daughter's tears, but she knew
she had to do this. "I can," with her hand she traced Kyleigh's
face, sending her love and assurance, "and I have to do this." Sadly Kyleigh hung her head, knowing there was no way she could
persuade her mother to let go.
"All right, I'll go back, but don't
you think I'll enjoy it!" Sensing her daughter's chuckle Troi
nudged her towards the door. "I wouldn't have it any other way Little One." Kyleigh was barely two steps outside or her mother's
familiar presence wrapped itself around her again. ~I'll be fine, I promise.~
Riker snapped out his reverie and
turned to look at Deanna again, the anger had left his eyes and was replaced by
profound concern. "Dea," his voice no longer held
anger or frustration; he was pleading, "Please tell me what's happening." When
she didn't respond he fought to keep his frustration out his voice when he
spoke again. "You're worrying me Imzadi." Her head
snapped up, black eyes flashing with fury and hurt, mouth set in a thin line
and teeth clenched together.
"Do *not* call me that!!! You have
*no* right!!!" She lost her control, she could sense it, the rage flowing
through every part of her being and his emotions and thoughts only made it
worse. "No Will, I didn't break the bond! I couldn't even if I wanted to. Its
part of who I am," her voice has risen and she was speaking in Betazoid, but she didn't noticed
it, her mind consumed by the rage that had been growing inside her for too
long.
"That bond is *sacred* Riker! It's
sacred and you just tossed it away as if it were nothing! And *you* broke it!"
Reacting to his thoughts now she continued her tirade. "*You* severed the link
by marrying another woman!" Black eyes spilled tears on her cheeks and her jaw
began to hurt by the force wit which she was clenched her teeth while she
spoke. "You forced me away from my home, you stole my
soul and left my heart behind, hollow and scarred!" Never had he heard her
speak with such fury and pain at the same time, never had he seen her this
enraged. And it scared the hell out of him.
"And never once did you look back!
Never once did you send me a message, or did you try to contact me! And now,
after twenty-one years you come barging in here, demanding me to tell you
what's wrong! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT!!!" Her words penetrated his ear, their meaning
his mind. Was he really the one who had broken the link? Caused her all the
anguish she was expressing now? And had she really wanted him to contact her?
He never thought she would, he always believed she was determined to break all
contact with him.
"God Dea,
I wanted to contact you a million times over! I wanted to run back to you, see
your smile, your eyes, and feel your love. I wanted to take you in my arms,
undo the hurt I had caused you. *Love* you."
"You don't really expect me to
believe that do you?! For god's sake, you *married* another woman barely
*three* MONTHS after we split up! You married, had a son, your own ship!
Everything you ever wanted! And you left me behind!" His emotions slammed into
her, guilt, longing, concern, but she didn't want any of it. She didn't want
him to apologize, for no apology could make up for what he'd done to her. "You
left me behind with a broken bond, one half of a whole. You left me bereft of
my ability to love!" Her last words, more than anything shocked him and
questions shot through his mind. "Yes, the bond meant that much to me." The
sudden calmness in her voice startled him and to his relief he saw she had
stopped crying.
"I'm sorry Deanna, I really am. I
believed you never wanted to hear from me again."
"I don't want your apology Will,
it's too late for that, it's too late for everything."
He was about to ask what she meant when the door opened again. "Deanna?" This
time it was
"I'm sorry Ambassador, but we couldn't
risk another attack within a time period of four days." The coy tone of her
voice surprised Riker and he half expected Deanna to lash out at
"I'll be fine." The two women
exchanged a long look until the doctor submissively nodded. "All right then." Will could almost swear they'd communicated telepathically,
but he knew that was impossible and wrote it off to a lifetime of friendship
between the two. Thinking about it however, he realized Deanna had been reading
his thoughts since he'd entered her cabin. She had never been able to read his
mind that easily when they had the bond.
"You," Beverly tapped his chest with
her index finger, "any sign of another attack warn me." And with those words
she left the room, leaving him and Deanna alone once again. This time, rather
than asking questions he merely narrowed his eyes and held her gaze.
"Damn it Will, why can't you just
-let- -it- -go-?"
"Because, despite everything that
has happened I care about you and I still love you." His words hurt. She had
longed to hear them for so long and now that she did they stung in her heart
and stabbed her soul. Too consumed in the pain his words and emotions invoked
on her she forgot to answer him and her silence refuelled his anger. "Damn it Dea, one simple explanation! I think you owe me that much!"
If possible her eyes turned even
darker than before and he knew that instance he had pushed too far. "I don't
owe *you* anything! *You're* the one who destroyed my life! *You're* the one
who broke the bond and *YOU'RE* the one who's killing me!" His heart skipped a
beat; she was talking in figure of speech, wasn't she? He couldn't possible
kill her! "Oh but you can Will," he could almost hear the underlying
tone of victory in her voice, as if she took pleasure in the gut-wrenching
shock he felt. When she spoke again and seemed to finish her sentence he could
hear the blame and perhaps even a twinge of fear. "You already are."
He didn't believe her, her words too
surreal and ridiculous for his mind to accept them and with each fraction of
time that passed he became more and more convinced
that she was talking in a figure of speech. Only she wasn't, and she was going
to make that quite clear to him. Some dark part of her psyche wanted him to
know, for she was sure it would hurt him and she merely wanted to repay him for
what he'd done to her. It was wrong and she knew it, but she couldn't help it.
"I meant what I said Will; you
*are* killing me...*literally*." Wide-eyed he stared at her, not sure whether
to laugh or yell at her. "What kind of sick joke do you think you're
playing here Deanna?" She had to be trying to hurt him, which was the only
plausible explanation. It *had* to be. Too his amazement she began to laugh.
The harsh, sharp laughs penetrated his ears as something pure evil. There were
no twinkles in her eyes, no music in her laughter and it caused unpleasant
shivers to crawl underneath his skin; a sense of dread invaded his being.
"A joke?! Oh yes, it's all one big joke, of course I like to
joke about death!" Her manic laughter had now turned to a combination of
hick-ups and sobs, tears freely flowing again. She couldn't do it anymore; she
couldn't keep wearing the mask she had on. It took too much of her precious
energy and stole too much from the short time she had left.
"That's not fair Dea."
"NOT
FAIR?!" She couldn't believe he had just
said that! Was he really that stupid? That selfish?
"I'll tell you what's NOT FAIR Will! What's not
fair is to live your life knowing you'll die in two years! What's not fair is knowing you'll never see your child marry or have
children of her own. And sense her awareness that she'll loose her mother too
soon! It's not fair to hear and feel what everybody around you thinks and
feels, but yet being so alone it eats you inside!" Her hands were clenched
into fists and her entire stance shouted anger. "It's *not* fair to have
your mind turn against you! To destroy you! And all that because you fell in
love with the wrong person!"
Riker was unable to think, too
shocked by her words. Was she saying what he thought she was? "Yes I am!," she yelled, "I'm saying exactly that! It's
your fault! You left me, and yet you're still here!" Angrily she tapped
her temple with her index finger. "I can sense you even when you're on the
other side of the quadrant! It's not fair to have the bond that has brought
solace for so long become your nemesis!" She approached him, step by step,
her eyes so full with hatred they forced him back against the wall. "I
HATE YOU WILLIAM RIKER!!!" She screamed at him so loud his ears rang and
the feel of her warm breath against his face brought back memories totally
uncalled for in this situation. "You destroyed my life," she added,
her voice dropping to a whisper.
Her tirade obviously finished the
two ex-lovers stared at each other for a long time; one trying to digest the
information planted in his head, the other waiting for signs of guilt. She
could still hear his thoughts, only they remained just beyond her conscious
reach.
"Are you," His baritone
voice broke the silence as he spoke his words slowly, "saying that I'm--
that our bond is killing you?" Will would've given
anything for her to answer no.
"Yes." His shoulders
slumped against the wall in final defeat. She wasn't lying, he could tell that
much simply by looking in her eyes. And although he couldn't understand what
was happening to her, he knew she was right in laying the blame with him.
"When you broke the bond you
only broke the bond between you and me, not the one between me and you. Because
the signals I unconsciously send your way bounced back they stimulated my paracortex, coaxing the small telepathic lobe I had to
grow." Strength had left her voice completely now, and she sounded as if
she was reciting an incredibly dull monologue. "We haven't been able to
find away to make it stop and in two years time at most, it will push against
my nerve-centre so hard it will paralyse me completely."
He didn't know what to say; what
-could- he say? What she was saying was that she was dying because he had
married another woman. He *was* killing the one woman he loved with whole is
heart and soul. His essence literally froze, he couldn't think, couldn't speak,
hell, he could hardly breath. Everything around him lost its sense, nothing mattered,
nothing but a pair of huge black eyes drenched in sorrow and sadness.
"I think you'd better
leave", she whispered in a small voice as she took a step backwards.
Demurely he obeyed, his mind not quite understanding her words but reacting.
Deanna watched him leave through a cloud of tears; he was walking out on her,
again. She might have asked him to leave, but she needed him. For that alone
she hated him, but she was too tired to deny it. Despite what
Dropping to her knees she buried her
face in her hands and allowed her tears to flow. As her shoulder began to shock
her long curls spilled over her face and came to rest on the floor. She was so
tired of fighting it, so tired...