Title: The path I fear to tread - Someone to hold on to
Author: Jessica
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se
Website: www.geocities.com/jlovesxfiles
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where
Spoilers: None
Rating: PG
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se
Pairing: Luke/Lorelai.
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.
Summary: Can Luke and Lorelai find their way back to each other?
Or will they end up as friends once again...
AUTHORS NOTE:English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar
mistakes may occur.
THANK YOU: To Amy for being such a great beta reader. Tack!
--------------------------------
" Heaven knows it's high time
And I've been waiting on my own too long
But when you hold me like you do
It feels so right
I start to forget
How my heart gets torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Feeling like you can't go on
Turning circles when time again
It cuts like a knife oh yeah
If you love me got to know for sure
Cos it takes something more this time
Than sweet sweet lies
Before I open up my arms and fall
Losing all control
Every dream inside my soul
And when you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet.."
("This years love" by: David Gray )
----------------------------------
The path I fear to tread -
Someone to hold on to
(7/7)
by: Jessica
-------------------------------
I welcome his ghost.
I cling to it.
His clothes are still hanging in the closet.
His books and papers are still scattered over my desk.
His razor still sits on a shelf in the bathroom.
The pillow beside me in the bed still carries his scent.
He came to me in my dreams last night. He graced me
with his presence just before the morning sun pierced through my
dreams.
Sometimes I don't want to wake.
I want to linger there in this land in between awake and asleep.
I'm happy there.
I'm complete.
Then the world comes back and his face starts to fade before my eyes.
I reach for him beside me in the bed.
But all I find is an empty space.
And I remember.
I fall.
How easily I fall.
I die a thousand deaths every time I open my eyes and find myself
alone.
I want to curse the sun for rising once again.
I have even begun to pray.
To a God that has no mercy.
As I give myself to the night I pray that he will send me my love.
But he isn't listening.
We no longer talk.
------------------------------------------
How do you stop loving someone?
How do you stop your heart from longing?
I wish I knew the answer to those questions.
As I stand here looking back on the past months I can honestly
say that I don't know what to do.
I go about my day as usual.
But my heart skips a beat every time the door to the diner opens.
I curse my foolish heart for hoping for something that will never
happen.
This isn't a Hollywood movie. She will not come running through
that door and throw her arms around me.
She will not come here to beg for forgiveness.
She will not come here to win my heart.
But I still dream.
I'm still hoping.
And outside my window the world passes by.
------------------------------
The pain doesn't stop just because a year has passed.
I thought it would.
Time heals all wounds they say.
I'm still waiting for that something that will heal my heart.
A year is a long time.
Life has returned to normal.
At least a little.
Nothing will ever be the same.
We both know it.
Rory seems better for each day that passes.
She laughs.
She smiles.
She warms my heart.
I have tried to show a brave front.
But she sees through me so easily.
And I shatter once again.
It can be a song on the radio.
Just a brief scent.
Then I fall.
I see him sometimes.
Max.
I can almost feel him.
It's amazing.
I close my eyes and I pray that he will be there
when I open my eyes again.
I know that it's silly to ever believe that he would come
back to me.
But still something inside of me clings to those few minutes
I get every day when the memory of him comes to me.
--------------------------------------
I move around like a zombie.
Only half alive.
Alone, as I always has been.
I move slowly, fearing that I might break.
I have stopped smiling.
I have nothing to smile about.
She comes in now and then.
Rory.
She sits at the counter and we talk about
everything and nothing.
She smiles but the smile never reaches her eyes.
I know the feeling.
I have failed her.
Both of them.
We never mention her mother.
But sometimes I find myself wondering if she ever thinks
about me.
But I always curse my foolish heart for hoping for a change.
Lorelai made her decision.
I just wish there were someway I could mend this broken heart
of mine.
I wish that I could stop wanting her.
Needing her.
Loving her.
Maybe I should stop fighting and just accept that I will never
be able to drive her out of me.
She is a part of me.
I have to stop fighting.
-----------------------------------
She came in the early light of day and slipped into my bed.
Rory.
I didn't object.
I liked having her beside me.
She crept closer to me and I opened my arms so easily.
I wrapped my arms around my little girl.
We lay there a while.
The sun pierced through my window and warmed our faces.
Summer had come with all its glory.
The clock beside my bed showed little after seven in the morning.
It was Saturday.
"Want to go to Luke's?"
She spoke first.
"I can make coffee.."
"Mum, it's not the same.."
"Yeah, I know.."
She looked at me.
Pleading.
"So, why can't we go?"
"You know why."
"No, I don't."
She sat up in bed and looked at me.
"Rory, we have talked about this.."
"No, you talked."
I sat up and looked at my daughter.
She wasn't such a little girl anymore.
"We can't go to Luke's because.."
"Because, what?"
"I said some things.."
"You always say things to him. There's nothing that you can't fix."
"I can't fix this..."
"Yes, you can. It's Luke."
"Yeah, I know...Luke...That's the whole problem."
I wish I could tell her the truth.
About what had happened between us.
But I couldn't do that to her.
I couldn't hurt her like that.
Luke.
He still lingered there, in the back of my head.
Scaring me.
Haunting me.
"You guys had a fight...So what?"
"No, it's bigger than that."
"Bigger? Mum, you have to fix it. He is miserable without you."
"How do you know?"
"We talk sometimes."
"About what?"
"Everything."
I wondered if he had told her.
"Oh..."
"Yeah, oh. He needs you."
"No. You're talking silly."
She rose from the bed.
Anger in her eyes.
Fire.
"For god's sake, mum. You want to stay like this forever. Do you really
think everyone would
look down on you if you went to Luke's?"
"Of course not. It's just.."
"What?"
"I can't, honey."
"Can't what? It's just coffee."
"No, it's not just coffee. It's everything."
"I have been SILENT for almost two months now. I have watched you walk
round
this house looking like someone stole the sun from the sky."
"You don't understand."
I rose from the bed.
My legs felt weak as I dared to move.
"What is there to understand? You lost your husband. But you're not the
only
one in this world that has lost someone. But people move on. They pick
themselves up and move on."
"Rory, it's not that easy."
"Yes, I know that it's not so easy. But you've got to try. I can't bear
watching you fade away like this."
"I'm not fading away. Stop being so dramatic.
"I'm not being dramatic. You hardly leave the house beside when you
have to
work."
"That's not true. I have gone to Hartford a couple of times and I..."
"Mum, please. It's just Luke's."
"I can't, honey."
"He died. Max died. It's been almost six months and you still
have his things."
"Is there a limit for grief?"
"Of course not. But you need help, mum."
"I'm doing just fine."
"No, you don't. I want my mother back. I want my best friend back."
"I'm right here."
"No, you're wrong. All you can see is him. Max. And he is dead!"
"Rory, don't do this."
"Do what? I'm telling you the truth."
"I can't do what you ask."
"It's just coffee at Luke's. Nothing else."
"No, it's not just that. It's everything. I can't.."
"You have to let him go, mum."
She walked towards me.
My daughter.
Not so little.
A young woman.
She was in front of me.
Pleading eyes.
Begging me.
"I don't know if I can let him go."
"You have to. Do it for me."
"Oh, honey. I can't. I loved him."
"I know you did. I loved him also. But you can't live like this."
"I deserve this."
"What do you mean?"
"I killed him."
"No, you didn't. It was an accident."
"No, honey. You don't understand."
"Then tell me."
"I can't."
"Yes, you can. You used to tell me everything."
"I can't tell you this."
"Please.."
"No. I just can't. Please, leave it alone."
"I can't leave it alone. You are my mother and I have seen how this has
affected you. But you need help."
"He said that, too."
"Who?"
"Luke."
"I told him to go to you. He wanted to help you."
"He can't help me. No one can."
She reached for me but I backed away from her.
Maybe it was time to tell her the truth.
To open my heart to her.
And maybe together we could find a way of this darkness.
"Don't say that. You need to talk to someone. You need to join the
living
again."
"I'm living."
"No, you don't. I want you to smile. I want you to go crazy. I want
things
to go back to the way they were."
"It's not possible."
"Yes, it is. We can make it together. You just have to let him go."
"I can't. I loved him."
"And I didn't? Don't you think my heart was broken when he died? He was
like a..."
She didn't speak that word but I knew it anyway.
I could see it in her eyes.
I reached for her but now it was her turn to back away.
"God, Rory.."
"No. I have never thought you could be so selfish. I loved him also.
But you don't see me walking around crying. Do I miss him?
Yes, of course I do. Do I think about him? Yes.
But I know that life goes on."
"It's not so easy."
"Why is that?"
"He was my husband."
"So? Does that mean that you have to die with him?"
"Of course not."
"So why don't you fight?"
"Fight? I have nothing to fight about."
"What about me? What about your daughter?"
"Rory, god. I didn't mean it like that."
"Then how did you mean it?"
"I...I don't know how to let go. How to go on without him."
"We can make it together. You just have to believe."
"I wish I could."
"Don't you trust me?"
"Of course."
"Then let me help you."
She reached out her hand to me.
It would be so easy to believe in her words.
To trust her.
To take a step into thin air.
To join the living again.
To let go.
The thought scared me.
It shook me to the core.
"I'm afraid."
"Of what?"
"It's still hurts."
"Yes, I know. But it will get better. I promise."
I saw concern in her eyes.
Love.
I wanted to believe in her lovely words.
I wanted to fall into her and let her catch me.
But there where still so many what if's.
"I know that this will not be easy, mum. And I'm not asking you to
forget
about him. No one is asking you to forget about Max. I just want you to
take
care of yourself. To start living again. I can't lose you, also."
Tears filled my eyes as I took her hand in mine.
She wrapped her arms around me.
"God, honey. You're not losing me."
"You scared me, mum."
"I'm sorry, honey."
"I love you, mum."
"I love you too, Rory."
-----------------------------
I never thought she could be the death of me.
But I know the truth now.
I will surely die by her hand.
She has this power over me that I can't break free from.
She came into the diner today.
Just like that.
Like nothing had happened.
She ordered coffee.
Rory was with her.
It almost felt like old times.
But I forced myself to remember all the things she had said.
I hid behind the counter, afraid that she might see my trembling hands.
That she would see my crumble.
Then she came to me.
She walked up to the counter, looked at me and smiled.
Damn that smile.
Cruel.
"Nice to see you, Luke."
She had no right to come here and act like nothing had happened.
Like everything was okay.
Didn't she know that she had broken my heart?
She had hurt me more than I could imagine.
But all of that remained unspoken.
"You too, Lorelai. How's everything?"
I even managed to smile.
"It's getting better. I'm taking it day by day."
Why hadn't she come to me?
Why wouldn't she open her heart to me?
How could she be so cruel?
Why did she push me away?
But I didn't say anything.
All I said was:
"Good."
I searched for something in her eyes that could tell me that there
still was a chance for us.
That I could dare to dream.
That I didn't love in vain.
But I found nothing.
She just smiled and paid for the coffees.
Then she was out the door.
I stood there, watching her go.
A voice whispered in my head:
COME BACK! COME BACK! LOVE ME! LOVE ME!
---------------------------------------
I can't say that I ran.
But I didn't stay either.
It felt so strange seeing him again.
Luke.
I know that he blames me.
He has every right to hate me.
I caused him pain.
I pushed him away.
I treated him cruelly.
I could see pain in his eyes.
He hid it well behind that huge wall he carries around.
But I saw through him.
I saw the pain there.
The broken heart I had caused.
How can I make him see that it was all for the best?
That I did what I did to save the both of us.
No good can came of us being together.
I'm no good.
I hurt people.
I crush them.
And I can't bear hurting him.
Not again.
Never again.
So I will let him go.
I just wish my heart would listen.
--------------------------------------------
Life continued even for me.
I opened the diner every day as usual.
I served my customers.
I refused to be moved.
She kept on coming to the diner.
I welcomed her.
We talked as usual.
We slowly but surely found our way back to the life we once had.
At least it seemed so.
Maybe it was all an act.
But I put on a brave front.
I played along in her game.
I managed to convince my heart that I was better off.
That it was better this way.
She was grieving.
I had no right to try to win her heart.
I could never win her heart.
It was no use in trying.
So I settled with something in between.
I settled with seeing her smile every day.
I settled with hearing her laugh.
I lived for those hours we got.
And somewhere along the way my heart began to beat once again.
----------------------------------
Days flew by.
Summer turned into autumn and my life continued.
I finally found the courage to pack away his things.
I folded his clothes neatly and put them all in boxes.
Rory got his books.
But I hadn't the heart to throw away his old armchair.
He loved sitting in that.
I still sit in it sometimes.
I curl up in it and talk to him.
It sounds silly, I know.
But the thought of him still being with me calms me.
I have let him go.
HE'S finally resting in peace.
It wasn't easy.
But I have forgiven myself.
Rory helped.
The people of this town helped in some ways.
Luke helped.
They gave me laughter.
They gave me strength.
I don't know how to thank them.
But I found my way back.
My way back from the darkness that kept me down.
I still miss him, though.
A part of me still loves the man I lost.
But I have learned one thing.
Maybe there is no such thing as the love of your life.
All I know is that I will not hold back.
Not again.
I will love like this is my final day on this earth.
-------------------------------------------
She grew before my eyes.
She seemed to shine.
I could see that glow in her eyes again.
I don't know how she did it.
But I don't care.
She has found her way back to the living again.
Lorelai Gilmore is back among the living.
I guess she is doing fine.
She is smiling and I'm dead.
---------------------------
It wasn't like lightning on a clear day.
It didn't just happened.
Maybe I have always known that it was him.
That he was the one.
That I wanted him.
Luke.
My friend.
Best friend.
Maybe I never stopped loving him.
It was raining that day I went to him to try to explain.
I went there to talk to him.
Make him open up.
I wanted the old Luke back.
I wasn't prepared for a battle.
I walked into the diner so sure of myself.
So sure that I could win this.
So sure I could make him see what was right.
Luke was just about to clean up after the last customers.
He looked up as I entered.
"We are closed. Didn't you see the sign?"
"I choose to ignore it."
I smiled.
He didn't return my smile.
My heart sank.
"We're out of coffee."
"I didn't come here for that."
He looked up.
Our eyes met.
"Okay. Then why are you here?"
It was time now to pull out the big guns.
To make my speech.
I had practiced it.
To win him.
Luke.
"I wanted to talk to you."
"About what? It's late and I have things to do."
"Please, Luke.."
He surrendered with a sigh and looked at me.
"Okay. Speak.."
"I wanted to tell you that.."
"What?"
His voice seemed so harsh.
I almost backed away.
But I was determined now.
To win.
To do what I had to do.
"I don't want to cry anymore. I can't cry anymore."
"Lor.."
"No, listen. I don't want to be alone anymore. I thought I could
make it alone. That everything could go back to what it was but I was
wrong. But I know now. I can see clearly now. All I can feel is how
much I miss you.."
"I'm here for you. I will always be here for you."
He walked around the counter and came towards me.
"But I want.."
"Don't."
He stopped.
"Please, Luke."
His eyes were dark, as he looked straight at me.
I almost crumbled.
Almost fell.
"You hurt me more than I ever would have imagined.
I wanted to hate you, Lorelai. I wanted to hurt you."
My heart shivered in my chest.
I could see pain in his eyes.
Pain I had caused him.
For a moment I hated myself for pushing him away.
For lying.
"I understand that."
"No you don't!"
"Yes, I know."
"How can you know the pain you caused me? You ripped out me heart
and threw it in my face."
"I'm sorry."
"Lorelai..I can't...Not this time."
"Please, let me explain.."
"There's nothing to explain.."
"Yes it is..When you came to me that night and said those lovely
things... I wanted you to save me..I wanted to give in, fall...but
I was so afraid to live..To let him go."
"I know that.."
"No you don't. I can't explain the pain I felt when he was taken
away from me. The guilt..because of.."
"I know.."
"He was my husband, Luke. I stood in front of God and promised to be
faithful but I failed him.."
"No, Lorelai.."
"No, Luke..I know now...I'm fine..I have forgiven myself. I can't
say that I'm complete..I'm still missing some parts..but I'm getting
there."
"I'm happy for you.."
"I will not be complete..without you.."
"Lorelai.."
"Luke..Is it too late to say that I love you?"
"Don't do this.."
"I'm so madly and deeply in love with you...Maybe it's always been
you..I don't know..All that I know is that I want you."
"I have loved you for as long as I can remember...I have tried to
show you..I tried to let you know in every way possible..But you
never saw me..."
"I'm so sorry..."
"No, Lor..Don't be..Because I'm better now.."
"What?"
"I will have to say no this time.."
"Luke.."
"You are dangerous, Lorelai. There will always be something or someone
that will come in our way..And you will push me away..You can so easily
break my heart in thousands of pieces..You can kill me.."
"But.."
"I can't take it anymore.."
"Please, Luke..Don't.."
"I'm saving myself..You would find something scary and you would run
and leave me here all alone. You would crush me..I can't take that.."
"No, Luke..I know now...I love you."
"It's just words, Lorelai.."
"How can I show you? What do you want me to do?"
"Nothing."
"How can you say that?"
"It's better this way."
"So you are just giving up. So I will just have to accept that as
an answer."
"Yeah."
"Damn you, Luke. You talk about running away. Who is doing the running
now?"
Silence followed.
I moved fast.
I wanted to break him.
I wanted to hurt him.
He didn't stop me.
He just stood there.
I slammed my fist against his chest.
Angry.
Hurting.
Breaking apart.
"DAMN YOU, LUKE DANES! DAMN YOU!!! YOU COWARD!!!"
Harder.
Harder.
He leaves me be.
Finally I fall.
I crumbled to the floor.
Tears filled my eyes.
I was pleading for my heart.
For my soul.
Everything came crashing down around me.
And it hurt.
I lifted my head towards him.
Our eyes met.
"Please...I love you so much...Love me.."
It was a childish plea.
But I didn't care.
I didn't care what was right and proper.
He reached out his hand for me.
"I'm sorry.."
With those words I died.
I rose.
I never knew pain like this.
His hand brushed mine.
"Lorelai.."
"DON'T TOUCH ME!"
I looked at this man.
I wanted to hate him.
I needed to hate him.
But I failed.
God, how I failed.
All I saw was the man I loved.
I turned around and ran away from him.
--------------------------------
I stood there in the doorway to the diner and watched as she
ran away from me.
Something broke inside of me.
LET HER GO! LET HER GO!
I had made a choice.
THERE was too much AT stake this time.
My heart was on the line.
My life.
I don't want to be the one to cry.
I can't take another heartache.
I'm saving myself this time.
Saving myself.
I will not be moved.
-------------------------
I ran as fast as I could.
I fled.
The rain came crashing down all around me.
I ran to the gazebo.
My shelter from the storm.
From him.
I had put it all on the line today.
I had given him my heart.
No, was the answer.
Was it stupid to believe that he would forget?
That he would forgive me.
Maybe I had this coming.
Maybe this is my punishment.
I can't have him.
I have to accept that.
Just give me until morning to stop fighting.
------------------------
I walked upstairs.
My legs felt weak as I opened the door to my apartment and
went inside.
Silence met me.
Darkness met me.
Alone again.
As I always HAVE been.
I chose this.
To be alone.
To say no to love.
She offered me her heart and I said no.
No.
To being loved by her.
She had called me a coward.
I had hurt her.
Broken her.
I had gotten my revenge.
But I felt not the sweet joy of victory.
I had lost.
Her.
Everything.
Why did this hurt so?
Her face was before me.
Chasing me.
Haunting me.
Hurting me.
I closed my eyes in an attempt to shut the pain out.
Too late.
I opened my eyes and whispered into the dark night:
"Please..."
I had lost her.
I had pushed her out of my life.
Convinced that I was better off.
I had sacrificed my friend in order to survive.
I had done the right thing.
This was the right thing to do.
I prayed that I was right.
I hoped that I was right.
---------------------------
I stood there in the gazebo trying to find my way
back to sanity.
The world kept spinning.
My heart kept pounding like crazy in my chest.
His voice kept chasing me around.
Tears kept blocking my sight.
I wanted to hate him.
God, how I wanted to hate him.
I needed to feel something other than this feeling that kept
clinging at my heart.
He was everywhere.
The air seemed to be filled with his scent.
I could still feel his hand in mine.
Burning me.
Hurting me.
"DAMN YOU, LUKE DANES!!!!!"
I had no right to be angry.
All he had done was to say no.
He had the right to do that.
But why didn't he want me?
Why couldn't he love me?
I needed his love.
I wanted his love.
He was everything that was true.
That was right and proper.
He was someone I couldn't have.
I buried my face in my hands and cried.
"You don't know how much I loved you."
The world came back with his voice.
I opened my eyes.
He was standing outside the gazebo.
Looking straight at me.
The rain was soaking him.
But he didn't seem to mind.
I dried my tears with the back of my hand.
I didn't want him to see me cry.
Not again.
"Luke, come in from the rain."
He didn't move.
He just stood there.
In the rain.
"Everything I have ever done is for you. You are all that is
beautiful. All I can see is you."
He walked up the stairs towards me.
His eyes met mine.
"Luke.."
"I gave you my heart. Everything that was me and you threw it away."
"I'm sorry.."
"I know...Just let me explain."
"I thought everything had been said."
"When you came to me tonight and said all of that...I kept hearing
those words you said to me that night.."
"All I can say is that I'm sorry.."
"Yeah, I know. I thought I could say no to you. If I just pushed you
out of my heart I would be okay. But I can't...I know that now.."
"Luke.."
He moved towards me.
I didn't run this time.
He came towards me.
Like a tiger.
I saw heaven in his eyes.
He was so close now that I almost could hear his heartbeat.
His hands trembled as he framed my face between his hands and made
me look at him.
"If I let you go I now it would be the end of me."
"I used to be afraid of everything. I used to fear love because all
it had given me was despair and pain. But I'm not that any longer.
I don't know how it happened but I fell in love with my best friend."
"And I'm with you."
We stood there, clinging to each other.
Neither of us dared to move.
Breathe.
His hands were soft against my cheeks.
His body warmed mine.
And all around us heaven came crashing down.
He spoke first.
"Will you dance with me?"
His eyes were so dark.
Promising.
The rain kept falling around us.
The sky could be falling.
See if I care.
All I could see was him.
He reached out his hand to me.
I could see heaven in his eyes.
A love that even death would surrender to.
This time I didn't back away.
I will not let fear break me.
Never again.
I smiled and took his hand.
His hand slid around my waist and pulled me closer to him.
I crept closer to him and let myself be lifted away in a beautiful
waltz.
No music was needed.
I heard it anyway.
I lifted my head towards him and smiled.
Our eyes met.
We flew.
We danced.
How we danced.
Above us the dark chased away the rain and the moon entered the sky.
The stars were thrown clear across the sky and painted
the heavens in silver.
I pressed my cheek against him.
I caught the slightest scent of him.
Luke.
He smelled like bacon and soap.
I smiled.
I felt so safe in his arms.
Like nothing could ever harm me.
He slowed our dance into a shuffle.
He pressed me tighter to him and whispered those words that I needed
to hear:
"I love you, Lorelai Gilmore."
The dance came to an end.
I lifted my head towards him.
Our eyes met.
I saw hope in his eyes.
Fear.
Love.
Beauty.
The beauty that was I.
Us.
I don't know what the future has in store for us.
But I will not fear it.
I will never fear anything again.
Not him.
Not love.
And if he lets me I will love him until the end of my days.
I smiled.
"I love you too."
They are just words.
Three small words.
But, oh so important.
Then he lowered his mouth to mine and kissed me.
The kiss was nothing like those before.
This was burning hot.
He broke my defenses.
I let him in with a sigh.
With a sigh I surrendered.
Then I was lost.
In a cloud of desire.
This must be heaven.
---------------------
Feedback...j_rothen@yahoo.se
*Sorry about that..but I have written too much angst and I wanted
something happy for once..;)
I can REALLY recommend these cd's. I listen to these a lot
while I wrote this story. They are: "White ladder" by David Gray
(especially "THESE years love" ), "A rush of blood to the head" by
Coldplay ( especially "The Scientist"), "Fumbling towards ecstasy"
by Sarah Mclachlan, "Sea change" by Beck and the soundtrack to the
movie
"Message in a bottle" (especially "One more time"). I have a lot of
cd's and
I can always find my inspiration there. This whole story began after I
watched "Sense and Sensibility". I love that movie. I especially like
the
character Brandon. He is so in love with someone that he can never
have. It
breaks my heart to see him played so well by Alan Rickman and specially
the
scene where he's waiting outside her room while she's lying sick inside
and
her sisters exit and he walks around.
And he says something like "You have to give me something to do,
otherwise I
will go mad." The look upon his face...God...I'm a true romantic and I
cry
like a baby everytime..Other movies I watch to get in
the mood is "Message in a bottle" ( THE ENDING!!!!), "A walk to
remember" and every Jane Austen movie there is...I will shut up now..
....PLEASE REVIEW!!! Tell me if you hate this!..I can take it... I
will not lay down and die...I promise..:) / Jessica
Author: Jessica
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se
Website: www.geocities.com/jlovesxfiles
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where
Spoilers: None
Rating: PG
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se
Pairing: Luke/Lorelai.
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.
Summary: Can Luke and Lorelai find their way back to each other?
Or will they end up as friends once again...
AUTHORS NOTE:English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar
mistakes may occur.
THANK YOU: To Amy for being such a great beta reader. Tack!
--------------------------------
" Heaven knows it's high time
And I've been waiting on my own too long
But when you hold me like you do
It feels so right
I start to forget
How my heart gets torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Feeling like you can't go on
Turning circles when time again
It cuts like a knife oh yeah
If you love me got to know for sure
Cos it takes something more this time
Than sweet sweet lies
Before I open up my arms and fall
Losing all control
Every dream inside my soul
And when you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet.."
("This years love" by: David Gray )
----------------------------------
The path I fear to tread -
Someone to hold on to
(7/7)
by: Jessica
-------------------------------
I welcome his ghost.
I cling to it.
His clothes are still hanging in the closet.
His books and papers are still scattered over my desk.
His razor still sits on a shelf in the bathroom.
The pillow beside me in the bed still carries his scent.
He came to me in my dreams last night. He graced me
with his presence just before the morning sun pierced through my
dreams.
Sometimes I don't want to wake.
I want to linger there in this land in between awake and asleep.
I'm happy there.
I'm complete.
Then the world comes back and his face starts to fade before my eyes.
I reach for him beside me in the bed.
But all I find is an empty space.
And I remember.
I fall.
How easily I fall.
I die a thousand deaths every time I open my eyes and find myself
alone.
I want to curse the sun for rising once again.
I have even begun to pray.
To a God that has no mercy.
As I give myself to the night I pray that he will send me my love.
But he isn't listening.
We no longer talk.
------------------------------------------
How do you stop loving someone?
How do you stop your heart from longing?
I wish I knew the answer to those questions.
As I stand here looking back on the past months I can honestly
say that I don't know what to do.
I go about my day as usual.
But my heart skips a beat every time the door to the diner opens.
I curse my foolish heart for hoping for something that will never
happen.
This isn't a Hollywood movie. She will not come running through
that door and throw her arms around me.
She will not come here to beg for forgiveness.
She will not come here to win my heart.
But I still dream.
I'm still hoping.
And outside my window the world passes by.
------------------------------
The pain doesn't stop just because a year has passed.
I thought it would.
Time heals all wounds they say.
I'm still waiting for that something that will heal my heart.
A year is a long time.
Life has returned to normal.
At least a little.
Nothing will ever be the same.
We both know it.
Rory seems better for each day that passes.
She laughs.
She smiles.
She warms my heart.
I have tried to show a brave front.
But she sees through me so easily.
And I shatter once again.
It can be a song on the radio.
Just a brief scent.
Then I fall.
I see him sometimes.
Max.
I can almost feel him.
It's amazing.
I close my eyes and I pray that he will be there
when I open my eyes again.
I know that it's silly to ever believe that he would come
back to me.
But still something inside of me clings to those few minutes
I get every day when the memory of him comes to me.
--------------------------------------
I move around like a zombie.
Only half alive.
Alone, as I always has been.
I move slowly, fearing that I might break.
I have stopped smiling.
I have nothing to smile about.
She comes in now and then.
Rory.
She sits at the counter and we talk about
everything and nothing.
She smiles but the smile never reaches her eyes.
I know the feeling.
I have failed her.
Both of them.
We never mention her mother.
But sometimes I find myself wondering if she ever thinks
about me.
But I always curse my foolish heart for hoping for a change.
Lorelai made her decision.
I just wish there were someway I could mend this broken heart
of mine.
I wish that I could stop wanting her.
Needing her.
Loving her.
Maybe I should stop fighting and just accept that I will never
be able to drive her out of me.
She is a part of me.
I have to stop fighting.
-----------------------------------
She came in the early light of day and slipped into my bed.
Rory.
I didn't object.
I liked having her beside me.
She crept closer to me and I opened my arms so easily.
I wrapped my arms around my little girl.
We lay there a while.
The sun pierced through my window and warmed our faces.
Summer had come with all its glory.
The clock beside my bed showed little after seven in the morning.
It was Saturday.
"Want to go to Luke's?"
She spoke first.
"I can make coffee.."
"Mum, it's not the same.."
"Yeah, I know.."
She looked at me.
Pleading.
"So, why can't we go?"
"You know why."
"No, I don't."
She sat up in bed and looked at me.
"Rory, we have talked about this.."
"No, you talked."
I sat up and looked at my daughter.
She wasn't such a little girl anymore.
"We can't go to Luke's because.."
"Because, what?"
"I said some things.."
"You always say things to him. There's nothing that you can't fix."
"I can't fix this..."
"Yes, you can. It's Luke."
"Yeah, I know...Luke...That's the whole problem."
I wish I could tell her the truth.
About what had happened between us.
But I couldn't do that to her.
I couldn't hurt her like that.
Luke.
He still lingered there, in the back of my head.
Scaring me.
Haunting me.
"You guys had a fight...So what?"
"No, it's bigger than that."
"Bigger? Mum, you have to fix it. He is miserable without you."
"How do you know?"
"We talk sometimes."
"About what?"
"Everything."
I wondered if he had told her.
"Oh..."
"Yeah, oh. He needs you."
"No. You're talking silly."
She rose from the bed.
Anger in her eyes.
Fire.
"For god's sake, mum. You want to stay like this forever. Do you really
think everyone would
look down on you if you went to Luke's?"
"Of course not. It's just.."
"What?"
"I can't, honey."
"Can't what? It's just coffee."
"No, it's not just coffee. It's everything."
"I have been SILENT for almost two months now. I have watched you walk
round
this house looking like someone stole the sun from the sky."
"You don't understand."
I rose from the bed.
My legs felt weak as I dared to move.
"What is there to understand? You lost your husband. But you're not the
only
one in this world that has lost someone. But people move on. They pick
themselves up and move on."
"Rory, it's not that easy."
"Yes, I know that it's not so easy. But you've got to try. I can't bear
watching you fade away like this."
"I'm not fading away. Stop being so dramatic.
"I'm not being dramatic. You hardly leave the house beside when you
have to
work."
"That's not true. I have gone to Hartford a couple of times and I..."
"Mum, please. It's just Luke's."
"I can't, honey."
"He died. Max died. It's been almost six months and you still
have his things."
"Is there a limit for grief?"
"Of course not. But you need help, mum."
"I'm doing just fine."
"No, you don't. I want my mother back. I want my best friend back."
"I'm right here."
"No, you're wrong. All you can see is him. Max. And he is dead!"
"Rory, don't do this."
"Do what? I'm telling you the truth."
"I can't do what you ask."
"It's just coffee at Luke's. Nothing else."
"No, it's not just that. It's everything. I can't.."
"You have to let him go, mum."
She walked towards me.
My daughter.
Not so little.
A young woman.
She was in front of me.
Pleading eyes.
Begging me.
"I don't know if I can let him go."
"You have to. Do it for me."
"Oh, honey. I can't. I loved him."
"I know you did. I loved him also. But you can't live like this."
"I deserve this."
"What do you mean?"
"I killed him."
"No, you didn't. It was an accident."
"No, honey. You don't understand."
"Then tell me."
"I can't."
"Yes, you can. You used to tell me everything."
"I can't tell you this."
"Please.."
"No. I just can't. Please, leave it alone."
"I can't leave it alone. You are my mother and I have seen how this has
affected you. But you need help."
"He said that, too."
"Who?"
"Luke."
"I told him to go to you. He wanted to help you."
"He can't help me. No one can."
She reached for me but I backed away from her.
Maybe it was time to tell her the truth.
To open my heart to her.
And maybe together we could find a way of this darkness.
"Don't say that. You need to talk to someone. You need to join the
living
again."
"I'm living."
"No, you don't. I want you to smile. I want you to go crazy. I want
things
to go back to the way they were."
"It's not possible."
"Yes, it is. We can make it together. You just have to let him go."
"I can't. I loved him."
"And I didn't? Don't you think my heart was broken when he died? He was
like a..."
She didn't speak that word but I knew it anyway.
I could see it in her eyes.
I reached for her but now it was her turn to back away.
"God, Rory.."
"No. I have never thought you could be so selfish. I loved him also.
But you don't see me walking around crying. Do I miss him?
Yes, of course I do. Do I think about him? Yes.
But I know that life goes on."
"It's not so easy."
"Why is that?"
"He was my husband."
"So? Does that mean that you have to die with him?"
"Of course not."
"So why don't you fight?"
"Fight? I have nothing to fight about."
"What about me? What about your daughter?"
"Rory, god. I didn't mean it like that."
"Then how did you mean it?"
"I...I don't know how to let go. How to go on without him."
"We can make it together. You just have to believe."
"I wish I could."
"Don't you trust me?"
"Of course."
"Then let me help you."
She reached out her hand to me.
It would be so easy to believe in her words.
To trust her.
To take a step into thin air.
To join the living again.
To let go.
The thought scared me.
It shook me to the core.
"I'm afraid."
"Of what?"
"It's still hurts."
"Yes, I know. But it will get better. I promise."
I saw concern in her eyes.
Love.
I wanted to believe in her lovely words.
I wanted to fall into her and let her catch me.
But there where still so many what if's.
"I know that this will not be easy, mum. And I'm not asking you to
forget
about him. No one is asking you to forget about Max. I just want you to
take
care of yourself. To start living again. I can't lose you, also."
Tears filled my eyes as I took her hand in mine.
She wrapped her arms around me.
"God, honey. You're not losing me."
"You scared me, mum."
"I'm sorry, honey."
"I love you, mum."
"I love you too, Rory."
-----------------------------
I never thought she could be the death of me.
But I know the truth now.
I will surely die by her hand.
She has this power over me that I can't break free from.
She came into the diner today.
Just like that.
Like nothing had happened.
She ordered coffee.
Rory was with her.
It almost felt like old times.
But I forced myself to remember all the things she had said.
I hid behind the counter, afraid that she might see my trembling hands.
That she would see my crumble.
Then she came to me.
She walked up to the counter, looked at me and smiled.
Damn that smile.
Cruel.
"Nice to see you, Luke."
She had no right to come here and act like nothing had happened.
Like everything was okay.
Didn't she know that she had broken my heart?
She had hurt me more than I could imagine.
But all of that remained unspoken.
"You too, Lorelai. How's everything?"
I even managed to smile.
"It's getting better. I'm taking it day by day."
Why hadn't she come to me?
Why wouldn't she open her heart to me?
How could she be so cruel?
Why did she push me away?
But I didn't say anything.
All I said was:
"Good."
I searched for something in her eyes that could tell me that there
still was a chance for us.
That I could dare to dream.
That I didn't love in vain.
But I found nothing.
She just smiled and paid for the coffees.
Then she was out the door.
I stood there, watching her go.
A voice whispered in my head:
COME BACK! COME BACK! LOVE ME! LOVE ME!
---------------------------------------
I can't say that I ran.
But I didn't stay either.
It felt so strange seeing him again.
Luke.
I know that he blames me.
He has every right to hate me.
I caused him pain.
I pushed him away.
I treated him cruelly.
I could see pain in his eyes.
He hid it well behind that huge wall he carries around.
But I saw through him.
I saw the pain there.
The broken heart I had caused.
How can I make him see that it was all for the best?
That I did what I did to save the both of us.
No good can came of us being together.
I'm no good.
I hurt people.
I crush them.
And I can't bear hurting him.
Not again.
Never again.
So I will let him go.
I just wish my heart would listen.
--------------------------------------------
Life continued even for me.
I opened the diner every day as usual.
I served my customers.
I refused to be moved.
She kept on coming to the diner.
I welcomed her.
We talked as usual.
We slowly but surely found our way back to the life we once had.
At least it seemed so.
Maybe it was all an act.
But I put on a brave front.
I played along in her game.
I managed to convince my heart that I was better off.
That it was better this way.
She was grieving.
I had no right to try to win her heart.
I could never win her heart.
It was no use in trying.
So I settled with something in between.
I settled with seeing her smile every day.
I settled with hearing her laugh.
I lived for those hours we got.
And somewhere along the way my heart began to beat once again.
----------------------------------
Days flew by.
Summer turned into autumn and my life continued.
I finally found the courage to pack away his things.
I folded his clothes neatly and put them all in boxes.
Rory got his books.
But I hadn't the heart to throw away his old armchair.
He loved sitting in that.
I still sit in it sometimes.
I curl up in it and talk to him.
It sounds silly, I know.
But the thought of him still being with me calms me.
I have let him go.
HE'S finally resting in peace.
It wasn't easy.
But I have forgiven myself.
Rory helped.
The people of this town helped in some ways.
Luke helped.
They gave me laughter.
They gave me strength.
I don't know how to thank them.
But I found my way back.
My way back from the darkness that kept me down.
I still miss him, though.
A part of me still loves the man I lost.
But I have learned one thing.
Maybe there is no such thing as the love of your life.
All I know is that I will not hold back.
Not again.
I will love like this is my final day on this earth.
-------------------------------------------
She grew before my eyes.
She seemed to shine.
I could see that glow in her eyes again.
I don't know how she did it.
But I don't care.
She has found her way back to the living again.
Lorelai Gilmore is back among the living.
I guess she is doing fine.
She is smiling and I'm dead.
---------------------------
It wasn't like lightning on a clear day.
It didn't just happened.
Maybe I have always known that it was him.
That he was the one.
That I wanted him.
Luke.
My friend.
Best friend.
Maybe I never stopped loving him.
It was raining that day I went to him to try to explain.
I went there to talk to him.
Make him open up.
I wanted the old Luke back.
I wasn't prepared for a battle.
I walked into the diner so sure of myself.
So sure that I could win this.
So sure I could make him see what was right.
Luke was just about to clean up after the last customers.
He looked up as I entered.
"We are closed. Didn't you see the sign?"
"I choose to ignore it."
I smiled.
He didn't return my smile.
My heart sank.
"We're out of coffee."
"I didn't come here for that."
He looked up.
Our eyes met.
"Okay. Then why are you here?"
It was time now to pull out the big guns.
To make my speech.
I had practiced it.
To win him.
Luke.
"I wanted to talk to you."
"About what? It's late and I have things to do."
"Please, Luke.."
He surrendered with a sigh and looked at me.
"Okay. Speak.."
"I wanted to tell you that.."
"What?"
His voice seemed so harsh.
I almost backed away.
But I was determined now.
To win.
To do what I had to do.
"I don't want to cry anymore. I can't cry anymore."
"Lor.."
"No, listen. I don't want to be alone anymore. I thought I could
make it alone. That everything could go back to what it was but I was
wrong. But I know now. I can see clearly now. All I can feel is how
much I miss you.."
"I'm here for you. I will always be here for you."
He walked around the counter and came towards me.
"But I want.."
"Don't."
He stopped.
"Please, Luke."
His eyes were dark, as he looked straight at me.
I almost crumbled.
Almost fell.
"You hurt me more than I ever would have imagined.
I wanted to hate you, Lorelai. I wanted to hurt you."
My heart shivered in my chest.
I could see pain in his eyes.
Pain I had caused him.
For a moment I hated myself for pushing him away.
For lying.
"I understand that."
"No you don't!"
"Yes, I know."
"How can you know the pain you caused me? You ripped out me heart
and threw it in my face."
"I'm sorry."
"Lorelai..I can't...Not this time."
"Please, let me explain.."
"There's nothing to explain.."
"Yes it is..When you came to me that night and said those lovely
things... I wanted you to save me..I wanted to give in, fall...but
I was so afraid to live..To let him go."
"I know that.."
"No you don't. I can't explain the pain I felt when he was taken
away from me. The guilt..because of.."
"I know.."
"He was my husband, Luke. I stood in front of God and promised to be
faithful but I failed him.."
"No, Lorelai.."
"No, Luke..I know now...I'm fine..I have forgiven myself. I can't
say that I'm complete..I'm still missing some parts..but I'm getting
there."
"I'm happy for you.."
"I will not be complete..without you.."
"Lorelai.."
"Luke..Is it too late to say that I love you?"
"Don't do this.."
"I'm so madly and deeply in love with you...Maybe it's always been
you..I don't know..All that I know is that I want you."
"I have loved you for as long as I can remember...I have tried to
show you..I tried to let you know in every way possible..But you
never saw me..."
"I'm so sorry..."
"No, Lor..Don't be..Because I'm better now.."
"What?"
"I will have to say no this time.."
"Luke.."
"You are dangerous, Lorelai. There will always be something or someone
that will come in our way..And you will push me away..You can so easily
break my heart in thousands of pieces..You can kill me.."
"But.."
"I can't take it anymore.."
"Please, Luke..Don't.."
"I'm saving myself..You would find something scary and you would run
and leave me here all alone. You would crush me..I can't take that.."
"No, Luke..I know now...I love you."
"It's just words, Lorelai.."
"How can I show you? What do you want me to do?"
"Nothing."
"How can you say that?"
"It's better this way."
"So you are just giving up. So I will just have to accept that as
an answer."
"Yeah."
"Damn you, Luke. You talk about running away. Who is doing the running
now?"
Silence followed.
I moved fast.
I wanted to break him.
I wanted to hurt him.
He didn't stop me.
He just stood there.
I slammed my fist against his chest.
Angry.
Hurting.
Breaking apart.
"DAMN YOU, LUKE DANES! DAMN YOU!!! YOU COWARD!!!"
Harder.
Harder.
He leaves me be.
Finally I fall.
I crumbled to the floor.
Tears filled my eyes.
I was pleading for my heart.
For my soul.
Everything came crashing down around me.
And it hurt.
I lifted my head towards him.
Our eyes met.
"Please...I love you so much...Love me.."
It was a childish plea.
But I didn't care.
I didn't care what was right and proper.
He reached out his hand for me.
"I'm sorry.."
With those words I died.
I rose.
I never knew pain like this.
His hand brushed mine.
"Lorelai.."
"DON'T TOUCH ME!"
I looked at this man.
I wanted to hate him.
I needed to hate him.
But I failed.
God, how I failed.
All I saw was the man I loved.
I turned around and ran away from him.
--------------------------------
I stood there in the doorway to the diner and watched as she
ran away from me.
Something broke inside of me.
LET HER GO! LET HER GO!
I had made a choice.
THERE was too much AT stake this time.
My heart was on the line.
My life.
I don't want to be the one to cry.
I can't take another heartache.
I'm saving myself this time.
Saving myself.
I will not be moved.
-------------------------
I ran as fast as I could.
I fled.
The rain came crashing down all around me.
I ran to the gazebo.
My shelter from the storm.
From him.
I had put it all on the line today.
I had given him my heart.
No, was the answer.
Was it stupid to believe that he would forget?
That he would forgive me.
Maybe I had this coming.
Maybe this is my punishment.
I can't have him.
I have to accept that.
Just give me until morning to stop fighting.
------------------------
I walked upstairs.
My legs felt weak as I opened the door to my apartment and
went inside.
Silence met me.
Darkness met me.
Alone again.
As I always HAVE been.
I chose this.
To be alone.
To say no to love.
She offered me her heart and I said no.
No.
To being loved by her.
She had called me a coward.
I had hurt her.
Broken her.
I had gotten my revenge.
But I felt not the sweet joy of victory.
I had lost.
Her.
Everything.
Why did this hurt so?
Her face was before me.
Chasing me.
Haunting me.
Hurting me.
I closed my eyes in an attempt to shut the pain out.
Too late.
I opened my eyes and whispered into the dark night:
"Please..."
I had lost her.
I had pushed her out of my life.
Convinced that I was better off.
I had sacrificed my friend in order to survive.
I had done the right thing.
This was the right thing to do.
I prayed that I was right.
I hoped that I was right.
---------------------------
I stood there in the gazebo trying to find my way
back to sanity.
The world kept spinning.
My heart kept pounding like crazy in my chest.
His voice kept chasing me around.
Tears kept blocking my sight.
I wanted to hate him.
God, how I wanted to hate him.
I needed to feel something other than this feeling that kept
clinging at my heart.
He was everywhere.
The air seemed to be filled with his scent.
I could still feel his hand in mine.
Burning me.
Hurting me.
"DAMN YOU, LUKE DANES!!!!!"
I had no right to be angry.
All he had done was to say no.
He had the right to do that.
But why didn't he want me?
Why couldn't he love me?
I needed his love.
I wanted his love.
He was everything that was true.
That was right and proper.
He was someone I couldn't have.
I buried my face in my hands and cried.
"You don't know how much I loved you."
The world came back with his voice.
I opened my eyes.
He was standing outside the gazebo.
Looking straight at me.
The rain was soaking him.
But he didn't seem to mind.
I dried my tears with the back of my hand.
I didn't want him to see me cry.
Not again.
"Luke, come in from the rain."
He didn't move.
He just stood there.
In the rain.
"Everything I have ever done is for you. You are all that is
beautiful. All I can see is you."
He walked up the stairs towards me.
His eyes met mine.
"Luke.."
"I gave you my heart. Everything that was me and you threw it away."
"I'm sorry.."
"I know...Just let me explain."
"I thought everything had been said."
"When you came to me tonight and said all of that...I kept hearing
those words you said to me that night.."
"All I can say is that I'm sorry.."
"Yeah, I know. I thought I could say no to you. If I just pushed you
out of my heart I would be okay. But I can't...I know that now.."
"Luke.."
He moved towards me.
I didn't run this time.
He came towards me.
Like a tiger.
I saw heaven in his eyes.
He was so close now that I almost could hear his heartbeat.
His hands trembled as he framed my face between his hands and made
me look at him.
"If I let you go I now it would be the end of me."
"I used to be afraid of everything. I used to fear love because all
it had given me was despair and pain. But I'm not that any longer.
I don't know how it happened but I fell in love with my best friend."
"And I'm with you."
We stood there, clinging to each other.
Neither of us dared to move.
Breathe.
His hands were soft against my cheeks.
His body warmed mine.
And all around us heaven came crashing down.
He spoke first.
"Will you dance with me?"
His eyes were so dark.
Promising.
The rain kept falling around us.
The sky could be falling.
See if I care.
All I could see was him.
He reached out his hand to me.
I could see heaven in his eyes.
A love that even death would surrender to.
This time I didn't back away.
I will not let fear break me.
Never again.
I smiled and took his hand.
His hand slid around my waist and pulled me closer to him.
I crept closer to him and let myself be lifted away in a beautiful
waltz.
No music was needed.
I heard it anyway.
I lifted my head towards him and smiled.
Our eyes met.
We flew.
We danced.
How we danced.
Above us the dark chased away the rain and the moon entered the sky.
The stars were thrown clear across the sky and painted
the heavens in silver.
I pressed my cheek against him.
I caught the slightest scent of him.
Luke.
He smelled like bacon and soap.
I smiled.
I felt so safe in his arms.
Like nothing could ever harm me.
He slowed our dance into a shuffle.
He pressed me tighter to him and whispered those words that I needed
to hear:
"I love you, Lorelai Gilmore."
The dance came to an end.
I lifted my head towards him.
Our eyes met.
I saw hope in his eyes.
Fear.
Love.
Beauty.
The beauty that was I.
Us.
I don't know what the future has in store for us.
But I will not fear it.
I will never fear anything again.
Not him.
Not love.
And if he lets me I will love him until the end of my days.
I smiled.
"I love you too."
They are just words.
Three small words.
But, oh so important.
Then he lowered his mouth to mine and kissed me.
The kiss was nothing like those before.
This was burning hot.
He broke my defenses.
I let him in with a sigh.
With a sigh I surrendered.
Then I was lost.
In a cloud of desire.
This must be heaven.
---------------------
Feedback...j_rothen@yahoo.se
*Sorry about that..but I have written too much angst and I wanted
something happy for once..;)
I can REALLY recommend these cd's. I listen to these a lot
while I wrote this story. They are: "White ladder" by David Gray
(especially "THESE years love" ), "A rush of blood to the head" by
Coldplay ( especially "The Scientist"), "Fumbling towards ecstasy"
by Sarah Mclachlan, "Sea change" by Beck and the soundtrack to the
movie
"Message in a bottle" (especially "One more time"). I have a lot of
cd's and
I can always find my inspiration there. This whole story began after I
watched "Sense and Sensibility". I love that movie. I especially like
the
character Brandon. He is so in love with someone that he can never
have. It
breaks my heart to see him played so well by Alan Rickman and specially
the
scene where he's waiting outside her room while she's lying sick inside
and
her sisters exit and he walks around.
And he says something like "You have to give me something to do,
otherwise I
will go mad." The look upon his face...God...I'm a true romantic and I
cry
like a baby everytime..Other movies I watch to get in
the mood is "Message in a bottle" ( THE ENDING!!!!), "A walk to
remember" and every Jane Austen movie there is...I will shut up now..
....PLEASE REVIEW!!! Tell me if you hate this!..I can take it... I
will not lay down and die...I promise..:) / Jessica