Chapter Ten – Buy British Beef (Now With Only 5% Mad Cow)

Author's note: I'm sorry. I am so sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. It just happened. It was late at night, there was nothing on television and I thought 'hey why don't I write some fan fiction'. Then one thing led to another and well, I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I can do better, I know I can. Just give me a second chance. That is all I am asking, a second chance. Just one tiny little second chance. What do you mean you won't give it to me? I apologise repeatedly and beg for forgiveness and you say no! What sort of people are you? How dare you? It is not like it is totally unforgivable. Lots of people write crap fan fictions. Hell, most of the fan fictions are crap and just because I lower my standards slightly you disown me! You deserve to rot in the fiery hell of the underworld! You think you are so great and wonderful. Maybe you should think about going down from your high horse and living like the rest of us peasants. Maybe then you will realise the pressures of trying to be funny and original. Then we will see how you cope. You are exactly what is wrong with this world, you and the French. No you are worse than the French. You are sub-French. The French use you as toilet brushes, that is how low you are. You are the lowest of the low. The bottom run of the ladder. The dustbin men of the rubbish tip, the Backstreet boys of the music world, the Americans of the humour world, the McDonalds of quality food, Keanu Reeves of acting and yes even Honey Loops of the breakfast cereals. How do you sleep at night? Oh, and enjoy the chapter.

"We're lost, aren't we?"

"We are not lost."

"Do you know where we are?"

"That's not the point."

"Yes it is."

"No it isn't."

"Look, are we lost or not?"

"No. I just don't know where we are."

"That is the definition of lost."

"Maybe it is your definition."

"You have your own definition?"

"For the purposes of this argument, yes."

"You are one weird lady."

"So are you."

"Very funny."

"I thought so."

"Maybe it wouldn't be as funny if your back was killing you."

"Maybe."

"You are not a very compassionate person, are you?"

"Not by nature."

"You hide it well."

"I try."

"Is that what you call it?"

"Hey, is that it?"

"That's a tattoo parlour."

"Really?"

"The big flashing neon sign was a bit of a clue."

"Oh, I missed that."

"That is not building my confidence in your driving, you know."

"You don't have confidence in my driving?"

"Not since you drove through that red light."

"What red light?"

"Exactly."

"I'm an excellent driver."

"By whose definition?"

"Do you want me to stop the car?"

"Yes, preferably outside the doctor's."

"Do I go left here?"

"I don't think you can go…oh, God! You went left."

"What did you say?"

"My life just flashed in front of my eyes."

"It took that long?"

"You know what I realised?"

"What?"

"I don't eat enough cheese."

"Who does?"

"Mice?"

"They don't eat cheese."

"According to the cartoons they do."

"The same cartoons that have people getting hit by anvils?"

"Yep."

"You know cartoons aren't the be all and end all of knowledge."

"Scooby Doo is."

"What is it with you and Scooby Doo?"

"Nothing."

"There is definitely something weird there."

"No there isn't."

"Why do you have all those episodes on tape then?"

"It is a quality show."

"Maybe but surely it is not religious recording good."

"Okay fine! I fancy Daphne."

"The cartoon character?"

"Yes."

"The really girly one?"

"Yes."

"You are weird."

"This is from a girl with a bedroom full of stuffed animals."

"What is wrong with stuffed animals?"

"Everything."

"But they are so cute."

"Whoever invented that word ought to be shot."

"That's a little harsh."

"Let the punishment fit the crime, that's my motto."

"I thought your motto was Playboy is legitimate reading material."

"I changed it."

"Why?"

"To many complaints from the feminists."

"What feminists?"

"Willow."

"Willow is a feminist?"

"She doesn't like Playboy, does she?"

"That is your definition of a feminist?"

"Yep."

"Wait, Willow doesn't like Playboy? I thought she would, you know."

"That is what I thought too. Apparently she thinks it objectifies women, whatever that means."

"I think it means that it treats women like meat."

"And that is a bad thing?"

"Yes."

"Even if it is top of the range beef? Top of the range British beef? The delicious British beef that is available in all quality supermarkets and butchers."

"Is that the amazing British beef that I have been hearing about?"

"Yes it is. British beef is now the safest beef in the entire world."

"This British beef sounds like it tastes astoundingly."

"It does, it does…so treating women like meat is a bad thing?"

"Yes."

"Even during…you know."

"Okay I'm going to stop you right there Xander."

"What?"

"I don't want to hear about you and Anya's kinky stuff."

"I wasn't talking about that."

"You weren't?"

"Okay maybe I was."

"Eww!"

"What?"

"I just got a visual."

"Do you think you should be getting visuals when you are driving?"

"You're the one who caused it."

"Hey it's not my fault you want to picture naked."

"Who said you were naked."

"Why else would you visualise it?"

"Maybe when we are at the doctor's you could get an ego-reduction as well."

"Yeah and maybe you could get an enlargement."

"Of my ego?"

"Not your ego."

"Then wha…Xander!"

"What?"

"I can't believe you said that?"

"It was a joke."

"Not a very funny one."

"Depends on your point of view."

"I don't care how funny you found it there are just some things you don't make fun of."

"You mean stuff like tragedy?"

"No I mean me."

"I shouldn't make fun of you?"

"Not if I don't have a witty comeback."

"But you never have a witty comeback."

"Xander!"

"What?"

"That is what I'm talking about."

"Hey it is not my fault I was funnier than you."

"And it is not my fault you are uglier either."

"Oh, a shot below the belt."

"You are the one who made this personal."

"I didn't know I was in an Arnie film."

"What?"

"You know…Terminator…This time it's personal."

"That wasn't Terminator."

"Yes it was, wasn't it?"

"I don't think so."

"Anyway that wasn't my point."

"What was your point?"

"That the doctor's is on your right."

"It is?"

"Right there."

"Oh yeah. See I told you we weren't lost."

"No we weren't lost. We just didn't know where we were."

"Exactly."

Author's Note: Contrary to popular belief I do not and never will do any kind of subliminal advertising in my stories, I am not Disney.