"For the last time Dawn! I don't know!"
"Oh come on you must know."
"He didn't tell me."
"Yeah right."
"You think he would tell me about that sort of thing?"
"I thought he would brag about it."
"Brag about it?"
"You know, say how many tips he got…with his body I bet he got a lot of tips."
"Yeah…wait no. Anyway I don't know anything about it."
"Fine, don't tell me."
"Considering I can't tell you, then that is quite easy to do."
"So, do you think this will work?"
"Yep."
"Are you sure?"
"It has to, I saw it on Jackass."
"You watch Jackass?"
"No, of course not. That show is a very bad influence of impressively teenagers which is exactly why you can't watch it."
"Then how did you see it on Jackass?"
"Xander watches it."
"Then won't he know what to expect?"
"Nope, Xander was asleep when this they showed this one."
"So how does it work again?"
"Well…"
Author's note: This is the part where the two of them whisper so that you (the audience) can't hear what they are saying. As such an event is more of a visual thing then I suggest you imagine it in your mind. Since that is a very boring thing to imagine I suggest you imagine what I am imagining, however after consulting the people at FanFiction.net I have been told that I am only allowed to give you three clues as to what I am imagining. So here goes, Christina Aguilera, a melon and a metric ton of table salt. Make sense of that one. Well, enough of the weird world of my mind and back to the story (although that is pretty weird as well – I suppose it is the better of two evils)…
"And that is how it will work."
"Man, this is going to be good."
"It is true what they say; revenge has a very distinctive smell."
"Oh sorry, that was me."
*****
[Shot of the outside of Xander's apartment]
"Buffy!"
[Shot of birds scattering like what happens when you throw rocks at them]
*****
[Buffy's house]
"Dawn, did you hear that?"
"Hear what?"
"It was probably nothing."
[Phone rings]
"Hello?"
"Buffy?"
"Xander?"
"You don't happen to know anything about what I just did in the shower?"
"Xander, what you do in the shower is your own private business."
"I'm talking about the hair dye."
"Hair dye?"
"Don't act cute."
"I can't help it."
"Believe me, you can."
"How's the hair then?"
"Different."
"What kind of different?"
"You know what kind."
"The bright pink kind?"
"Yes, the bright pink kind."
[Buffy starts to laugh]
"How bright?"
"Too bright."
"Is it see-in-the-dark bright?"
"Oh, you are so going to pay for this."
"Hey you should come over so that I can see it."
"I'm not leaving my apartment looking like this."
"Then I will come to you."
"I'm not going to let you in."
"Oh please."
"No."
"I'm just going to have to camp outside your place until you come out then."
"I'm never coming out."
"Never?"
"Never. I will live here until the dye wears out."
[Buffy laughs some more]
"What?"
"Check the bottle."
[Pause while Xander goes to get the bottle]
"Long-lasting!"
"We thought you would appreciate it."
"Appreciate it?"
"Think of the money you will save by not having to buy all that dye."
"Buffy!"
"You're not seeing the silver lining."
"No, all I can see is bright pink!"
[Buffy laughs some more]
"Laugh it up, Buffy."
"I will."
"There will be revenge."
"Hey Xander look on the bright side, at least you won't have to worry about costume parties."
"Why?"
"Just get an elephant costume and go as a pink elephant. Hello? Xander?"
*****
[A few washes of Xander's hair later]
"Yes! No more bright pink hair. Now how should I get Buffy back? And why am I talking out loud? Eh, I'm sure there is a good reason for it."
*****
[A few revenge ideas later]
"Yes! I've got it and I am still talking out loud. There is something seriously wrong with me. Oh well, my sanity will have to wait, I have to go to the drug store."
*****
[One trip to the drug store and then another trip to Buffy's house later]
"Hi Xander, you have some pink bits in your hair."
"I know Dawn. Is your sister in?"
"I had nothing to do with it, it wasn't me, you can't prove anything and no she isn't in."
"Excellent."
"Oh, you're going to get your revenge aren't you?"
"No."
"But you did the whole excellent evil thing."
"So?"
"That can only mean you have some sort of evil plan."
"According to what?"
"Films and to a lesser extent television."
"Damn those films! Ruined the perfectly good excellent evil thing. All right I'm getting my revenge on Buffy."
"Can I help?"
"You want to help?"
"You never had a sibling, did you?"
"No, why?"
"Well, making your brother or sister cry is the ultimate job of any sibling."
"Really?"
"Except for those freaky religious ones that actually 'love' their brothers and sisters."
"How could they!"
"Are you mocking me?"
"Mocking is such a strong word."
"Yet it isn't considered strong language."
"Go figure."
"So what's your plan?"
Author's note: Another whisper thing. I know it is kind of repetitive to do the same thing twice in one chapter but I think being repetitive is what television is all about. Anyway being repetitive isn't that annoying. I know it is kind of repetitive to do the same thing twice in one chapter but I think being repetitive is what television is all about. Anyway being repetitive isn't that annoying. I know it is kind of repetitive to do the same thing twice in one chapter but I think being repetitive is what television is all about. Anyway being repetitive isn't that annoying. Well, maybe it is. Back to the Future is a good film. Back to the story….
"But where are you going to find a monkey?"
"I think you misheard me. What I said was…"
Author's note: And another whisper thing…. I don't really know what to say…how's your mother doing? Recovered from the whole being sick thing? Good, good. And your father? So, he didn't have to go to jail? I suppose that is the benefit of having a crappy legal system…what film did you go to see? What, you mean…oh, because I was just about to say, wasn't that a 1970s porn film? I don't know how I would know if it was…let's change the subject…I wonder if Karl Marx's grave is considered another communist plot. No, that isn't the worst joke I have ever told remember the one about the Oxford English dictionary? Now that was a bad joke and surprisingly dirty. Oh, you don't remember? Well, let me tell it…sorry it appears as if the reader is getting a little bored of these author's notes and wants me to get back to the story…well, here it is….
"That does make more sense."
"So, you think you can do your part?"
"No problem."
"Excellent."
"You did it again."
"Damn Hollywood!"
*****
[Buffy's house…around tea time…. I don't know the equivalent in American …sorry…actually I'm not sorry you should learn proper English not that crappy language you speak. I mean what the hell is up with calling toilet, bathrooms? Do they have a bath? And restrooms! If you are calling them restrooms then either you are using them incorrectly or you need way too much rest…what you mean I should stop insulting you and learn to respect other people's culture? If you have a crappy culture then you should expect to be insulted. I mean did I complain when you insult the British? Of course I do, but that is because you insult stuff like cricket which as we all know is a perfectly acceptable sport that everyone (except Australia – at least at the moment) should play]
"Hello Buffy."
"Hello Xander."
"How are you?"
"Fine. And you?"
"Fine."
"Nice hair."
"Thank you."
"I especially like the pink tinge."
"Do you now."
"Yes, it suits you."
"Uh-huh."
"Xander, your face is going all red. You're not angry, are you?"
"Nope. Not angry in the slightest."
"Not even when you saw all that bright pink hair?"
[Xander's makes a no type sound]
[Dawn enters]
"Dinner is served."
"You let Dawn cook?"
"I let you cook."
"Hey!…well okay. What did ya cook?"
"Food."
"O…Kay."
"Let's eat shall we."
"After you Xander."
"No, after you."
*****
[A reasonable delicious meal later]
"That was reasonable delicious."
"Thank you Xander."
"Buffy, what did you think? Buffy?"
"I don't feel so good."
"Is that so?"
[Buffy makes what can only be described as a loud fart]
"Buffy, please."
"You!"
"Me?"
"You did this."
"Did what?"
"You put something in my food."
"Now that you mention it I may have bought some laxatives and accidentally put them in your food but I'm sure that has nothing to do with your current condition."
"Xand…" [Buffy makes another farting-type sound this time it was more a squelcher. You know the kind I mean…well at least the guys do…and those that watch Adam Sandler films]"…I have to go."
"But you haven't had any dessert."
[Buffy runs up the stairs followed by a loud bang from a door closing]
"Excellent."
****
[Several hours and quite a few toilet rolls later]
[Xander and Buffy on patrol in the Sunnydale graveyard]
"I can't believe you put laxatives in my food."
"I can't believe you dyed my hair bright pink."
"Truce?"
"Truce."
"Man, I wish I could have seen your face."
"Yeah well I wish…"
[Enter a dark shadowy figure]
"Are you the Slayer?"
"Who wants to know?"
"I am the son of [author's note: His name is impossible to spell with my current keyboard and anyway it doesn't really matter. So I will give him a name that you will be able to understand] the son of evil demon 4."
"Who?"
"The son of the evil demon (SED) that you killed."
"I kill a lot of demons."
"What?"
"Buff, try not to angry the big evil demon."
"Oh calm down Xander, it is not like he is going…"
"Die Slayer!"
"…To attack us. Oops."
"Oops? Don't you mean fuc…"
SED jumped a really long evil distance and shoulder-barged, in an evil way, Xander to the floor."