Title- Trivial Issues
Author- Abercrombieprep
Disclaimer- I don't own Alias. Or Michael Vartan. So just read, and don't sue me. The song at the end is by The Guess Who- its called These Eyes
Distribution- Have at it, just e-mail me at kdirectorate@hotmail.com first
Summary- Sometimes, having what you want isn't always perfect.
Michael was impatient. He was tired of waiting. Pacing around the caged box, the warehouse full of memories. He hated when she was late, but he hated even more the sound of his footsteps echoing in the hollow room, screaming of the sins committed.
He hated fear, he always had. It was weak, pointless, and it was consuming. But in his heart there was fear, that always had been. From the time he first laid eyes on her, there had been fear. Never mentioned, it was always there. And now it was haunting him.
It wasn't a realistic fear. An abstract fear, one that could not be found in the books of protocol. No, it was a fear not that she had been captured, a fear that her heart had been captured.
The beginning was great, he had known it would be. Secret meetings full of dancing, midnight deliveries of flowers. He had never been more in love with anyone, not Alice, not his tenth grade crush, than he had been with Sydney.
It was a slow process of gradualism, but the passion began to wear off. The life as a double agent was becoming more demanding, and meetings in the warehouse became few and far between. And when they did end up at the warehouse, the time was devoted to work, not love making.
They began to grow apart. The stress of a life where you begin to forget yourself ran Sydney down. She became unattached, intolerable at times. Sometimes bickering would consume them and they would end up on the floor, tears of acid cascading down their cheeks at the love they had lost.
They were able to overcome their differences, learn to deal with their circumstances. It felt that everything would work, that heaven was on Earth.
He couldn't blame anyone but himself for the way their relationship had crumbled, deteriorated once again. He had gotten tired, his heart grown weary. The danger and excitement of his body pressed up against the fence, Sydney filling his senses wore off, leaving only danger and an incredible sense of longing. There was something he wanted, something Sydney could no longer provide. The perfect mix of passion and beauty, danger and excitement.
Her name was Morgan, she was his new secretary. She had red, curly hair that seemed to spring at every vibration. Her bright blue eyes got a grey haze when she was thinking hard, and became even brighter when she smiled. She had the smallest hint of a lingering Southern twang, and a laugh that could make even the sourest person smile.
Her first day on the job, she had accidentally reset his palm pilot. He wasn't mad; he couldn't resist the angelic way she apologized. They had spent hours trying to reload all the information stored. When they had finally finished, and she had once more apologized profusely, he had asked her out for dinner. It was late, the minute hand past nine, and even though she blushed at the offer, she finally consented.
They spoke of trivial things at first, her obsession with Corrie ten Boom, his love for hockey. Towards the end of the night, when the patrons began to leave, they sat sipping their wine. The conversation turned deep, he revealing that he had joined the CIA because of his father, she revealing that she had had a fixation on intelligence that stemmed from both parents being in the Air Force.
When they finally caught onto the manager's fierce glares, they paid the bill and walked out into the cool night's breeze. Walking to their car, forgetting where he was, he lightly grabbed her hand. He heard her gasp, and then felt the sensation of her hands being buried farther into his.
On the drive home, he thought about the night. It was so cliché. Taking a new secretary out to dinner, holding hands with her. And now here he was, driving her home. It felt odd, but not wrong.
Being a true gentleman, he walked her up to the door. It was an uncomfortable setting, being so close together, knowing full well what was about to happen. Neither wanted to be the first to make a move. Of course, as luck would have it, he didn't have to make the first move. Just as he was about to do something, he sensed Morgan's head tilt down, and suddenly he was lying in a bed, sheets twisted and tangled around his body.
As he lay there, he thought about the previous night. His infidelity to Sydney. There was no ring on their hands, there could never be, but they had been tied together at the heart. And he had broken his unsaid promise to her. It didn't hurt, however, as it should have. He should be pained to do such an act, but he wasn't. He loved Sydney yes, but was he was in love with her still, that was not an easy question to answer. And now as he lay in the bed, the streaming light filtering through the curtains and making Morgan's hair even more radiant, he had known the answer. He was no longer in love with Sydney.
He had told Sydney what had happened, as anyone with a heart would have. She shed few tears. It was an almost known fact. There was no more to give. They had given their hearts for so long, had given them when they received nothing back, that they themselves had become empty.
They tried to make it work, they had. He had Morgan reassigned to another agent, and had ended up with a fifty-five year old grandmother as his secretary, so there would be no temptation. Sydney forgave him for what happened, and she tried to put it in the back of her mind when their lips met. But somehow, it was never the same. They wanted something they couldn't have. They wanted each other again. All of each other.
And now here he was, several months later, pacing around the warehouse, his steps matching the second hand's time. He was waiting, waiting once more. She could be anywhere, doing anything, and he wouldn't know it. Jealousy, as some have said, will drive you mad. It wasn't as if she were his. That was far from the case. She was his only in dreams where they lived in a house with three children. In that dream he had all of her, including her heart. In reality, he had nothing but the dream.
Suddenly, he heard the soft click of her heals. Thirty-five minutes late. He turned around to look at her. She looked happy, as if being late was an acceptable and routine issue that should have no concern with the other party. His anger, once simmered, was heated up again.
"And just where the hell were you?" Michael asked, his voice raised louder than necessary. The words were harsh and cut to the point.
"I was at Francie's she wanted me to help with something, okay?" Sydney replied, her voice as belligerent as his.
"No it's not okay Sydney. We had a scheduled time. Is it that hard to show up on time? I needed to meet with you once this week. You couldn't have told Francie you would be a half an hour late? We've had this time scheduled since the beginning," Michael yelled, not caring if his words hurt her. He wanted to hurt her. Maybe if he hurt her, she'd cry and he'd help. And his heart would hurt no more.
"Why the hell do you care if I was late? Does it mean you'll be late for another meeting with your secretary so you can fuck her again?"
"Sydney, you know exactly what happened. And you know she doesn't even work with me anymore."
"So what about your new secretary? Or Weiss's? Or my dad's? Or the newspaper girl… the girl at Starbucks? How about them Vaughn? Do any of them strike your fancy?"
"Sydney it shouldn't matter to you what I do with my life, who I choose to sleep with. You are not my mother, my sister, or my wife. In fact, you're not my girlfriend either. I'm not in love with you!" Vaughn exclaimed. As soon as he said it, he regretted it. He wanted her to care; he wanted her to be his girlfriend, his wife. He wanted to be in love with her.
Sydney's mouth opened to say something, then shut. Her eyes were bright, and she looked to be in shock. He knew he had hurt her. Suddenly something snapped in her, and all of her resolve left. Her eyes filled with tears and she began to choke as she sobbed. When he tried to reach out and touch her, her eyes filled with hate.
"Don't you ever touch me again," Sydney said, a sound of pure disgust I her voice. She whipped her body away from him and ran out the door. Out of his life. Out of his heart.
She didn't know how she had made it to Will's apartment. She could barely see her hands on the steering wheel in front of her, but somehow she made it thirty-two miles to his house, safe and sound.
She pounded on the door, unsure of how he would accept her. It was getting into the evening, and she was sure he had plans. Of course, a woman with tears streaming down her cheeks and wailing would not be the most pleasant houseguest. She only hoped he would let her in.
She didn't even notice the door open, and she could barely hear him ask her what was wrong. All she could tell was that she was being led into his house, and he wasn't going to go sleep with his secretary. He was Will. He wasn't going to hurt her.
Once he had calmed her down, so that she could see him and hear him, he asked again what was wrong. She sighed, no one had known about her and Vaughn in the time they had been together. She stared at Will. She knew it would probably hurt him, but if she didn't tell someone, she was going to explode. It felt like her whole world had been ripped apart.
Slowly, she began to explain the last year to him. Surprisingly, he didn't seem shocked. Just very understanding, soothing her as she explained the hard details. He tried to make her feel better, and in a way he did. He rubbed her back and made sure to grab another tissue when she needed it.
When she finished, she looked at him, wondering what he would say. She had told him everything she shouldn't say; she had spilled her heart out to him. She knew he was formulating an answer, but with all she had said, it would probably take a year to think of a proper response.
"Wow. That sucks," Will answered plainly. From the glint in his eyes she could tell he was trying to cheer her up, and it worked. She let out a laugh.
"Yeah, it does."
"Well… I don't think he deserves you. If he cheated on you, and he told you he doesn't love you today, then I don't think he deserves you. There are a million other men out there in the world that would love you uncontrollably; you can't let him bring you down. Men like that don't deserve women like you."
"But I feel like with SD-6 I may never be able to find a guy like that. And if I do, I'll have to lie to him everyday. And you don't know what that feels like. To lie everyday. Vaughn was like my only way to a semi-normal world. Even if we couldn't be together in public, at least I didn't have to lie to him. I wouldn't trade truth for public displays of affection any day. Truth is the only thing you have to hold onto when the end comes. That's why I told Danny. I couldn't marry him, knowing that I would lie to him everyday."
"One day you won't have to lie, but until that day, find someone that makes you happy, and protect them by keeping them from the truth," Will answered. His voice was pained from what Sydney was experiencing.
"I don't want to lie. I just want to have someone who knows me, who knows everything. Who I don't have to lie to. I hate lying Will. I just want truth, if only for a little bit," Sydney said. Her voice cracked, and her breaths were ragged from the uncontrollable sobbing. Will tried to calm her down so that she was breathing at a regular pace by rubbing his hands on her back. He could feel each breath as she struggled to regain control.
"Syd, you can talk to me. You know you can. I know I don't understand everything, and I probably won't ever be sure of how it feels to be in your place, but I can listen. I know it isn't much, but its more than nothing. You'll always feel alone in this job, I know, but talking to someone would help. I won't give you advice or tell you my ideas, I'll just listen. I'll be there for you," Will whispered sincerely.
Sydney sat there, reveling in what he had said to her. And suddenly, it was as if the seas had parted. There was understanding where there had not been before. She pulled his hands off her back and pulled them forward so she could look at them. She had been blind before, but now she could see.
Quickly she whipped her head around so she could look him in the eyes. She saw the emotions swirling in his eyes. He was always there for her. And what did she do? Push him away. Always pushing him away. Her own best friend, and she pushed him away.
She stared at him a moment more, then lifted his hands to her face. "You are always there for me. Always." She rubbed her thumbs against his palms, "Can I ask you something?"
Will gave her a strange look, obviously noting the sudden change in attitude. "Anything."
Sydney looked at him for another second, then shifted her eyes down to the ground. "Do you love me?"
It was noticeable that the question had caught him off guard. It took him several seconds to sputter out, "Of course… you're my friend…"
Sydney brought her eyes back up to his, seeing the torture in them. "That's not what I mean."
"Syd…" Will began. She silenced him but placing her lips lightly on his. When she pulled away, he tried to admonish her actions. "Syd, you can't do this. No. You just can't."
Sydney smiled at him, "But I want to. I never saw it until now. How much you're there for me, how much you love me. All I did was push you away."
"Syd, no. This can't happen."
"I'm sorry Will. I was a terrible friend. I was confused, so confused. But now I see, I see what I had been missing." With that, Sydney pressed her lips against his again, but this kiss was more urgent. There was a sense of need as she touched his cheeks with her hands.
This time, he responded, and with the same urgency as she had. She opened her mouth when she felt his tongue on her lips. Their tongues fought for control as they explored each other's mouths.
When they pulled back, gasping for air, Sydney was in awe. No one had made her feel like this in so long. Vaughn had, he had once. But it had been so long. So long it felt strange. There was no lust. Only love.
Will stared at her for a few seconds, love radiating in his eyes. "Syd, you don't know how long I've wanted to do that."
Sydney thought about the underlying meaning of the words. Had she known how long he had wanted to do that? She had been making excuses for so long, she couldn't really tell. She suddenly felt safe. Safe from harm, safe from heartbreak, safe from a world she wanted to forget.
Grinning slyly, she pressed her lips back on his for another passionate kiss.
these eyes, watched you bring my world to an end
this heart, could not accept and pretend