I find it a bit odd that a songfic gets inspired by another song. I was
sitting down to start typing this when Johnny Cash's cover of 'Hurt' by
Nine Inch Nails came on CMT. At first I wasn't sure that I would like him
covering a NIN song, since he and NIN are at two opposite ends of the music
spectrum, but I was wrong. He did a wonderful job on it. If you've not
heard it, I would suggest you download it as well as the NIN version. The
lyrics combined with Cash's unique voice expressed about every single thing
I wanted to put into this chapter. This chapter is mostly from
Koushirou's POV, and I've not written a first person view yet, so bear with
me if it seems a bit odd. It feels odd writing that way after all the
other things I've written in the third person.
Koushirou's POV I opened the car door and sunk into the seat. I'd just finished another morning of chemotherapy and I feel completely awful. It feels like my body is going to churn itself into little pieces. I'm starving right now but I know that I can't eat anything until later on if I don't want it to come right back up.
"So how do you feel, Koushirou?" my mother asked me as she fastened her seatbelt and keyed the ignition.
"Pretty much like I was just hit by a train, Mum," I tell her as I manage to fasten my own seatbelt. Every single little movement I made hurt. It was like my insides didn't fit anymore.
We drive home in near silence. Mum stopped trying to make conversation after a few moments on the highway. I know that she really means well, but I hardly have the energy to even speak right now. I feel so bad for doing that to her, but I know she understands. She looks over while she's driving every few moments to check on me, quickly, as to not let me notice her doing it. I see her but let on as if I don't. I don't know what to say to her. 'I'm still alive'? I don't know. I let the hum of the engine carry me off to sleep.
I wake up as we pull into our parking lot. I feel just a bit better now after my half hour nap. Not too much better, just a precious little bit, enough to let me climb out of the car and make it up to our apartment. I glance at the clock as I walk into my room and see that it's almost noon. Tai was likely eating lunch right about now and he should be home in about two hours or so. Maybe I'll take a little nap so I'll be halfway sociable when he gets here. End Koushirou's POV
Mara picked the phone up and dialed her husband's overseas number. After five rings it was picked up.
"Hello honey. How is he today?"
"Luke, he's...I don't know. I don't know what is worse on him, the cancer or the chemotherapy. Koushirou's become a little husk of what he was. He hardly eats and when he does he has to force himself to do it. Tai is doing everything he can, Luke, and it's not fair for him. He shouldn't have to witness Koushirou going through all this and then try to help him."
"I know. It isn't fair any way around, Mara. We've all been dealt a harsh hand and we have to play through it."
"I know. They're just so young still, Luke. We're adults, they're barely teenagers. They shouldn't have to deal with anything like this. They should be dealing with math homework and dances and things like that, not cancer."
"Mara, I know. Believe me, I know. I'm sure it's even harder on you since I've not even in Japan right now."
"That doesn't make it easier, no. How long till you get to come home?"
"Two more days. I'll be home by Friday."
"Good. We need you here, Luke, we really do. The phone isn't a good substitute for a father or husband."
"I know. I've almost got everything worked out here so as soon as we get the final contracts signed I will be on a plane."
"Alright. I'll talk to you later."
"Goodbye Mara. Hug the boys for me."
"I will." Mara hung up the phone and sat in one of the dining room chairs. She simultaneously cursed and thanked his job for keeping him away right now. Luke never really was one for dealing with a crisis. He always had a knack for doing the least productive thing. It wasn't out of spite or anything like that, it was just that he always seemed to freeze up or something like it. But, she needed him here for moral support. It was hard being the strong one for two additional people beside herself. Tai would never admit it even if he was tortured, but he was hurting terribly. He tried to do everything he could for his boyfriend. Mara moved out into the living room and flipped the television on and lost herself in whatever show happened to come on.
At School One month had passed since Koushirou had begun the chemotherapy and two weeks since he'd withdrawn from school. It was too much for him right now. As he sat down at the lunch table with his friends, he looked at the empty seat next to him. It was Koushirou's seat. No one had dared sit in it. It sat empty as a remembrance for him.
"So Tai, any good news?" Sora asked him as he began picking at his food.
"No. The doctors said that it's still too early to know anything. They're going to reevaluate him next week."
Silence descended on the table. No one really knew anything to say to Tai anymore. Unintentional and unbearable distance had appeared between most of the group and Tai since Koushirou became ill. None of the other kids knew what to do. It hurt them greatly but...
Tai moved his mashed potatoes around on his plate without bothering to look up. He knew that the others would all be looking at him with that 'I'm so sorry' glance. That was nice and all, but it didn't help. It didn't help his Koushirou at all. Actually, it was starting to make him mad.
Suddenly about to cry for no apparent reason, Tai picked his tray up and quickly tossed it into the garbage and left the cafeteria. The stunned Digi-Destined watched him go. Once he got his faculties back, Daisuke followed him, turning to the others and giving them a withering stare.
Daisuke followed Tai down the halls, tracking him into an empty classroom. Dai slowly opened the door and looked in. He saw Tai sitting by the window, looking out with tears rolling down his face. Daisuke stood there for a moment, trying to decide if he should go in or not. He never wanted anyone around when he got sad and he didn't know if Tai would like it either. But, no matter how much he hated it when Jun or someone butted in on his moments, he always felt better after he talked to them. So, Dai steeled himself and headed over to Tai.
"Hey Tai, want to talk?" Dai asked in a voice so kind that it seemed alien coming from him.
Tai looked from the window and Dai felt instant sorrow for him. "I don't know, Dai. I don't know if it would help or not."
"You don't know until you try." Dai pulled a chair over to Tai and sat close. "Just start talking. Say whatever you want." Daisuke went quiet and waited for Tai to start talking.
"It's not fair, Daisuke, not fair at all," Tai finally said. "He shouldn't have to go through this. He's just fourteen." Tai looked away again before he continued. "I don't know what I will do if, well, I don't know what I will do."
"Don't even talk like that, Tai. That is not going to happen. Doctors are incredibly smart people and they'll find him a way to beat it."
"You haven't seen him recently, Dai." Daisuke gave him an eyebrow. "Well, okay, you have, but none of the others have. He's wasting away. I don't know which is worse; the cure or the disease. He can't eat hardly anything at all. I wouldn't be surprised if Iori weighs more than he does now, Dai. I really wouldn't. The chemotherapy makes him so tired. It is all he can do to stay awake and talk when I get home." Tai trailed off and cried a little. Daisuke put an arm around his shoulders for comfort.
"Do you have any idea of what that is like, Daisuke? How hard it is? To see the one you care about more than anything else in the world slowly falling away?"
"No. No I don't. I don't know if I could stand it." Tai completely lost it then and Dai pulled him close and held him.
Koushirou's POV I woke up at about 1:30 or so to a dull ache over my entire body. It used to hurt a lot more when I first started on the treatments. I don't know if I'm getting used to them or if I just don't feel it anymore. I don't know which I want to believe. Neither of them sound too good. I guess it's just a part of me now, the pain that is. I don't remember not feeling it anymore. What the? There is a large bruise on my arm. When did I do that? I don't remember that at all.
Slowly I get up and make my way to the kitchen to fix a peanut butter sandwich. That is about the only thing that I can eat these days. That and toast. What a delicious menu. I set the sandwich on a plate and poured a little bit of apple juice. Bread, peanut butter, and apple juice. That's what my diet has consisted of for the last month or so. No wonder I'm so thin.
Mum is sleeping on the couch now. Even in her sleep she looks pained. I'm sorry, Mum. I really am. I don't want you to suffer with me. This is my disease, not yours. I ease into a chair and slowly eat my sandwich. Where is the remote? I don't particularly want to watch this show. Ah, there it is. Let's see what's on. Nope. Nope. Nope. What is that music channel that Tai always watches? 66? Is that what it is? Yes, there we go. Johnny Cash? I've not heard from him in a while. This must be a new song... End Koushirou's POV
Hmmm...boy this chapter got dark in a hurry. I think it's some of the best stuff I've written, even though I'm not sure if I did the first person good enough. Oh well, let me know. And I bet you can guess what Koushirou turned on to, right? I thought so. Here are the lyrics if you care...
I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole, the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away, but I remember everything
what have I become? my sweetest friend?
everyone I know, goes away in the end
you could have it all, my empire of dirt
I will let you down, I will make you hurt
I wear my crown of shit on my liar's chair,
full of broken thoughts, I cannot repair
beneath the stain of time, the feeling disappears
you are someone else, I am still right here
what have I become? my sweetest friend?
everyone I know, goes away in the end
you could have it all, my empire of dirt
I will let you down, I will make you hurt
if I could start again, a million miles away
I would keep myself, I would find a way
Trent Reznor & NIN "Hurt" Covered by Johnny Cash on the album "The Man Comes Around"
Koushirou's POV I opened the car door and sunk into the seat. I'd just finished another morning of chemotherapy and I feel completely awful. It feels like my body is going to churn itself into little pieces. I'm starving right now but I know that I can't eat anything until later on if I don't want it to come right back up.
"So how do you feel, Koushirou?" my mother asked me as she fastened her seatbelt and keyed the ignition.
"Pretty much like I was just hit by a train, Mum," I tell her as I manage to fasten my own seatbelt. Every single little movement I made hurt. It was like my insides didn't fit anymore.
We drive home in near silence. Mum stopped trying to make conversation after a few moments on the highway. I know that she really means well, but I hardly have the energy to even speak right now. I feel so bad for doing that to her, but I know she understands. She looks over while she's driving every few moments to check on me, quickly, as to not let me notice her doing it. I see her but let on as if I don't. I don't know what to say to her. 'I'm still alive'? I don't know. I let the hum of the engine carry me off to sleep.
I wake up as we pull into our parking lot. I feel just a bit better now after my half hour nap. Not too much better, just a precious little bit, enough to let me climb out of the car and make it up to our apartment. I glance at the clock as I walk into my room and see that it's almost noon. Tai was likely eating lunch right about now and he should be home in about two hours or so. Maybe I'll take a little nap so I'll be halfway sociable when he gets here. End Koushirou's POV
Mara picked the phone up and dialed her husband's overseas number. After five rings it was picked up.
"Hello honey. How is he today?"
"Luke, he's...I don't know. I don't know what is worse on him, the cancer or the chemotherapy. Koushirou's become a little husk of what he was. He hardly eats and when he does he has to force himself to do it. Tai is doing everything he can, Luke, and it's not fair for him. He shouldn't have to witness Koushirou going through all this and then try to help him."
"I know. It isn't fair any way around, Mara. We've all been dealt a harsh hand and we have to play through it."
"I know. They're just so young still, Luke. We're adults, they're barely teenagers. They shouldn't have to deal with anything like this. They should be dealing with math homework and dances and things like that, not cancer."
"Mara, I know. Believe me, I know. I'm sure it's even harder on you since I've not even in Japan right now."
"That doesn't make it easier, no. How long till you get to come home?"
"Two more days. I'll be home by Friday."
"Good. We need you here, Luke, we really do. The phone isn't a good substitute for a father or husband."
"I know. I've almost got everything worked out here so as soon as we get the final contracts signed I will be on a plane."
"Alright. I'll talk to you later."
"Goodbye Mara. Hug the boys for me."
"I will." Mara hung up the phone and sat in one of the dining room chairs. She simultaneously cursed and thanked his job for keeping him away right now. Luke never really was one for dealing with a crisis. He always had a knack for doing the least productive thing. It wasn't out of spite or anything like that, it was just that he always seemed to freeze up or something like it. But, she needed him here for moral support. It was hard being the strong one for two additional people beside herself. Tai would never admit it even if he was tortured, but he was hurting terribly. He tried to do everything he could for his boyfriend. Mara moved out into the living room and flipped the television on and lost herself in whatever show happened to come on.
At School One month had passed since Koushirou had begun the chemotherapy and two weeks since he'd withdrawn from school. It was too much for him right now. As he sat down at the lunch table with his friends, he looked at the empty seat next to him. It was Koushirou's seat. No one had dared sit in it. It sat empty as a remembrance for him.
"So Tai, any good news?" Sora asked him as he began picking at his food.
"No. The doctors said that it's still too early to know anything. They're going to reevaluate him next week."
Silence descended on the table. No one really knew anything to say to Tai anymore. Unintentional and unbearable distance had appeared between most of the group and Tai since Koushirou became ill. None of the other kids knew what to do. It hurt them greatly but...
Tai moved his mashed potatoes around on his plate without bothering to look up. He knew that the others would all be looking at him with that 'I'm so sorry' glance. That was nice and all, but it didn't help. It didn't help his Koushirou at all. Actually, it was starting to make him mad.
Suddenly about to cry for no apparent reason, Tai picked his tray up and quickly tossed it into the garbage and left the cafeteria. The stunned Digi-Destined watched him go. Once he got his faculties back, Daisuke followed him, turning to the others and giving them a withering stare.
Daisuke followed Tai down the halls, tracking him into an empty classroom. Dai slowly opened the door and looked in. He saw Tai sitting by the window, looking out with tears rolling down his face. Daisuke stood there for a moment, trying to decide if he should go in or not. He never wanted anyone around when he got sad and he didn't know if Tai would like it either. But, no matter how much he hated it when Jun or someone butted in on his moments, he always felt better after he talked to them. So, Dai steeled himself and headed over to Tai.
"Hey Tai, want to talk?" Dai asked in a voice so kind that it seemed alien coming from him.
Tai looked from the window and Dai felt instant sorrow for him. "I don't know, Dai. I don't know if it would help or not."
"You don't know until you try." Dai pulled a chair over to Tai and sat close. "Just start talking. Say whatever you want." Daisuke went quiet and waited for Tai to start talking.
"It's not fair, Daisuke, not fair at all," Tai finally said. "He shouldn't have to go through this. He's just fourteen." Tai looked away again before he continued. "I don't know what I will do if, well, I don't know what I will do."
"Don't even talk like that, Tai. That is not going to happen. Doctors are incredibly smart people and they'll find him a way to beat it."
"You haven't seen him recently, Dai." Daisuke gave him an eyebrow. "Well, okay, you have, but none of the others have. He's wasting away. I don't know which is worse; the cure or the disease. He can't eat hardly anything at all. I wouldn't be surprised if Iori weighs more than he does now, Dai. I really wouldn't. The chemotherapy makes him so tired. It is all he can do to stay awake and talk when I get home." Tai trailed off and cried a little. Daisuke put an arm around his shoulders for comfort.
"Do you have any idea of what that is like, Daisuke? How hard it is? To see the one you care about more than anything else in the world slowly falling away?"
"No. No I don't. I don't know if I could stand it." Tai completely lost it then and Dai pulled him close and held him.
Koushirou's POV I woke up at about 1:30 or so to a dull ache over my entire body. It used to hurt a lot more when I first started on the treatments. I don't know if I'm getting used to them or if I just don't feel it anymore. I don't know which I want to believe. Neither of them sound too good. I guess it's just a part of me now, the pain that is. I don't remember not feeling it anymore. What the? There is a large bruise on my arm. When did I do that? I don't remember that at all.
Slowly I get up and make my way to the kitchen to fix a peanut butter sandwich. That is about the only thing that I can eat these days. That and toast. What a delicious menu. I set the sandwich on a plate and poured a little bit of apple juice. Bread, peanut butter, and apple juice. That's what my diet has consisted of for the last month or so. No wonder I'm so thin.
Mum is sleeping on the couch now. Even in her sleep she looks pained. I'm sorry, Mum. I really am. I don't want you to suffer with me. This is my disease, not yours. I ease into a chair and slowly eat my sandwich. Where is the remote? I don't particularly want to watch this show. Ah, there it is. Let's see what's on. Nope. Nope. Nope. What is that music channel that Tai always watches? 66? Is that what it is? Yes, there we go. Johnny Cash? I've not heard from him in a while. This must be a new song... End Koushirou's POV
Hmmm...boy this chapter got dark in a hurry. I think it's some of the best stuff I've written, even though I'm not sure if I did the first person good enough. Oh well, let me know. And I bet you can guess what Koushirou turned on to, right? I thought so. Here are the lyrics if you care...
I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole, the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away, but I remember everything
what have I become? my sweetest friend?
everyone I know, goes away in the end
you could have it all, my empire of dirt
I will let you down, I will make you hurt
I wear my crown of shit on my liar's chair,
full of broken thoughts, I cannot repair
beneath the stain of time, the feeling disappears
you are someone else, I am still right here
what have I become? my sweetest friend?
everyone I know, goes away in the end
you could have it all, my empire of dirt
I will let you down, I will make you hurt
if I could start again, a million miles away
I would keep myself, I would find a way
Trent Reznor & NIN "Hurt" Covered by Johnny Cash on the album "The Man Comes Around"