When I woke up on the couch in the Game Shop, I didn't know what happened
and what I was doing until I looked down to see Joey's jacket and
remembered. "Hey." I looked up and saw that Yami was sitting on a chair
next to me." How do you feel?" He was wearing a blue jacket over a black
shirt and had on blue pants like any other day.
"Okay."
"Good."
"Yami?"
"Yeah?"
"Is Joey really gone?"
I felt kind of stupid saying that like a child and knowing for a fact that he was dead. But I was just double-checking because Joey being dead was absurd. Nothing like that could ever happen, or so I thought.
He looked saddened. "Yes. He is."
"What happened to the driver? Was he killed too?"
Killed was the word for Joey. Joey didn't die. He wouldn't do that to me. He was killed.
Yami's features tightened and he gripped the edge of the seat," The other driver didn't even get a scratch," he spat out angrily," He was charged with reckless homicide, and dammit, he's already out on bail."
"What happens now?" I said," I mean, there's going to be a funeral."
"Day after tomorrow."
I took a deep breath," I'm okay." I said.
Yami sighed. I don't think he believed me.
"What was that," I said," You know.that shot my aunt gave me last night. What was it?"
"Valium."
"I didn't need it," I said," I tried to tell you and my aunt. I could handle this."
He just looked at me and didn't say anything.
* * * Breakfast was quiet in the Motou house. Ever since I moved to Domino, I always had breakfast with them. It's sort of like a daily tradition. It wasn't the same this day. Yugi was in a silent mode. He looked worse then when Kaiba beat him and that was pretty bad. If he weren't breathing, I would've thought he was either frozen or dead. Yami was pestering him, begging him to at least eat something. But he and I both knew that Yugi would never snap back to reality anytime soon. My eyes kept on wandering to the clock, thinking that Joey would come soon the raid the fridge. When the door opened, for a split second I saw Joey, but no. It was only Grandpa.
Grandpa looked pretty old to me, but today, he looked even older with the bags under his eyes and his stiff movement. Yami seated Grandpa down," Where have you been all night? You don't look so good." Grandpa heaved a sigh," I was up all night with Joey's dad. Poor Jack.When he got off the plane, he was drunk and crying and full of regrets. He kept talking about all the things that he never got to tell Joey.all the things they'd never done together."
I thought maybe Grandpa was going to break down and I couldn't stand it. "Where's Serenity?"
"She's helping Mr. Wheeler talk to the minister."
"Minister? Joey never goes to church."
"I don't know why either," he said, "Any ways, this minister is setting up the arrangements-"
"What arrangements?"
"For the funeral."
"Oh."
"Serenity thought that you'd like to say something at the service."
"Say something.what.you mean like a eulogy or something?"
" No, nothing like that. She thought you could read a poem that meant something to Joey. She said you can write one yourself-about his favorite card or something."
"You didn't tell her I'd do, did you?"
"No, of course not." he replied hastily, "She just supposed that you might do it since you obviously cared for Joey a lot."
I was still wearing Joey's jacket. I pulled up the collar and nodded, "Well, see you later." I stood up and started toward the door.
"Where are you going?" Yami inquired.
" To my apartment."
"Can't you stay for awhile?" he asked.
I stared at him. I think he thought I was too unstable to live by myself for a while.
"All right. Only for awhile, though."
"I'll go and get your things," said Grandpa, walking to the door. Yami blocked it," You need rest. Lie down for awhile and I'll go get Mai's stuff."
Grandpa nodded tiredly and headed for his bedroom.
"I'll go with you," I said," Lady won't go to anyone but me."
He shrugged," Okay. Yuge, do you want to come?"
Yugi didn't say anything and lowered his head.
Yami looked sad," All right, then. "
He put his hands on my shoulders,' Lets get going. We have a long drive ahead of us."
* * *
On the way to my apartment, I said to Yami, "Aunt Lo's waiting for me to fall apart, and I'm not going to."
"Would it be so terrible," he said," To fall apart just a little?"
"Sometimes you and Aunt Lo sound exactly alike."
"I guess we do sometimes."
When we got to my apartment, I took off Joey's jacket, folded it up and gently put it in the trashcan.
"You don't have to, you know, Mai," said Yami, "That's Joey's jacket, isn't it?"
"Yes,' I said,' But it reminds me of last night.I don't know. I just think it would be kind of morbid to hold to hang on to it." And I dropped the lid on the can.
* * *
I couldn't sleep that night. Long after Yami, Yugi, and Grandpa were in bed, I laid on my back and stared at the ceiling and thought: Well, he's dead. I couldn't stop thinking about Joey, thrown 100 feet from his car. Joey, who died of massive head injuries. Joey, who didn't know my aunt was standing there in the emergency room holding his hand.
I swung my legs over the edge of my bed and sat there for a few minutes, listening to my heart pound. I wasn't dumb, I knew he was dead-but I felt like I had to talk to him. I did what I thought was the next best thing. I put on Yami's thick, heavy coat and ran to my apartment and pulled out Joey's jacket from my trashcan. I guess that it was stupid to run about a mile to my apartment in a nightgown and coat for a jacket. When I got back to the Game Shop, I think I saw a flicker of a face in the window that looked like Yami. I didn't care that he knew, I just hoped that he wouldn't start getting on my back about going in the cold in the middle of the night when the weirdo's come out. It was a good thing he didn't.
When I got upstairs to the guest bedroom, I didn't even wait to thaw it out. I put it on, buttoned it up, and got back to bed.
In the morning, I'd roll it up and hide it under my mattress. For now, it was all right. It was like having Joey's arms wrapped around me.
For now, it was enough.
* * *
Tea had let me borrow one of her black dresses for the funeral. It was pretty, dark and plain. I didn't try it on until right before we left for the service, which was when I discovered it was one size too big for me.
"Damn!" Tea moaned, "I knew I should've gotten a smaller size."
"I'll have my coat on," I said," No one will see."
"I wish you'd eat something before we leave ( she's been acting like my mother lately).God, I still can't believe he's gone-"
"He's not gone," I said," Why do people always say that? Joey's not gone. He's dead."
Tea looked at me strangely," Are you all right? I know how awful this must be for you."
"What day is it? Monday or Tuesday?"
"Tuesday."
" That ice show Joey gave me tickets for," I said," It's tonight."
"Mai, you're not thinking about going alone in the city tonight-"
"No,' I said," No, of course not." But I couldn't stop thinking about the play, and the two seats in the 3rd row at the rink that would be empty that night.
* * *
I was okay for a while. I was okay during the ride downtown. It was a really beautiful day, clear yet cold. Perfect for sledding or skating, not for burying my best friend. When we got there, we parked next to my aunt's car.
As we walked to the church, I spotted others, Joey's teachers, those actors that had worked with him, his other friends, the gang, Serenity, and her father. Serenity looked absolutely destroyed.
"I can't go in." I said.
"What's wrong?" asked Bakura.
"I'm going back into the car."
"Oh.Mai-" sighed Tea.
"Joey wasn't religious, and neither am I."
"It would mean a lot to Serenity if you were there," said Tristan softly.
"I'm sorry," I murmured," I just-I don't feel very well."
I turned around and started to walk, when I felt hands grasp my shoulders. It was Kaiba. He looked pained and I guessed it was because he had made fun of Joey all this time and never really got a chance to say he was sorry.
"Please, Mai," he urged," Just for awhile and then you can go home when you want to." He said something similar to when Joey tried to make me skate. I felt tears sting my eyes in the cold and I looked down," Okay." I whispered. He gently steered me to the door as I stared at my feet. The funeral was pretty nice I think. I really didn't listen to the ceremony. I sort of blocked it all out and started spacing in my own little world.
Then, the minister started to say something like," And now, a friend of Joseph Wheelers' is going to recite one of his favorite poems. I waited for one of his friends. The gang stared at me." That means you," whispered Mokuba," Go!" I awkwardly stood up and strode to the front of the church and behind the stand. There was a sheet of paper ready for me and I stared at it blankly. The words, sentences, and letters became one messy blur and my eyes couldn't keep focused. I tried to sound out the title," Th-The B-" I stopped. My voice came out all croaky like. I wasn't going to make it and I knew it. "I-I'm sorry." my voice trailed off in despair," I can't do this." I stepped down defeated and started to run out of the church as fast as I could. I felt everyone's eyes on me and wanted to just disappear.
I cut across the snowy yard to the street. I was cold and sweating, and with each step I took, my vision seemed to darken and narrow. If Joey has been at my side, he would've whispered something funny and inappropriate about funerals. Joey was the person who helped me through rough spots. Without him,. Who could I go through life laughing with?
The car door was locked. I figured out my options: stay out in the cold or go inside to the funeral. I choose the cold.
"This is wonderful skating weather," I heard Yugi say. I turned to him. It was the first time I had heard him talk all this time. "The winter before the whole Pegasus deal, me, Tea, Tristan, and Joey used to spend the entire winter skating down by the park lake. Or at least tried. Joey was quite a skater-did you know that?"
I looked at the church." I remember coming here with Joey once," I said, changing the subject," For an assisting job at Sunday school. We told the kids bible stories and gave them snacks."
I felt his hand touch mine," Mai."
I looked up at the 16 year old boy," I had to get out of there. My throat just-clogged up."
"Do you want to go home?"
"Yes," I said.
"Here," he handed me car keys," Your aunt said that you can take her car home and she'll go home with Grandpa and them. I'll go with you. I'm not in a funeral mood either."
"I thought you came out here to talk me into going back there."
"I wouldn't do that," he replied, shifting around," Let's go.it's getting cold."
"I know it's wrong to ditch Joey on his funeral.I know I'm letting Serenity down."
Yugi gave my hand a squeeze," You're not letting anyone down, Mai." I didn't want to hear him. We got into the car. I knew he meant I was letting myself down, but how was a funeral going to help me? Joey was dead whether I went to the funeral or not.
* * *
I went back to college the next Monday. I got up early that morning, grabbed a cup of coffee, and went upstairs to wind my hair into rollers. Yami came into the bathroom while I was putting on my makeup.
"How long have you been up?" he asked, yawning.
"I don't know. A little while."
"It wouldn't hurt you to take a couple of days off of school to catch up on your rest. I know you haven't been sleeping well-"
"I want to go back," I said," I just.I just feel like if I can get back into a normal routine, then maybe I'll start feeling normal again."
"I know."
"Are you going over to Serenity's today?"
"I'm taking her and Mr. Wheeler to a meeting at the church."
"A meeting? What kind of meeting?"
"It's a support group for parent's or people who have lost their child and or sibling."
"Mr. Wheeler and Serenity didn't lose Joey," I said, "He didn't disappear. He died."
"It seems less painful saying it the other way."
"Maybe," I said," But it means the same thing."
* * *
As Yami drove me to my college classes, all the colors of the world drained from the Earth. I walked into the school for the first time ever, and one of the first things I saw when I walked into the building was the vice- principal cleaning out Joey's locker. Throwing all of Joey's things in a gym bag.
"Those things," I said," You're not throwing those things out, are you?"
"No, no, nothing like that," he said. "The college is getting crowded and the students are sharing the lockers and this student's not coming back."
"But his things," I said," What are you going to do with his things?"
"Send them to his new college, I guess."
"New school.?"
"He was transferred to a new college over the holidays."
"He was killed," I said," There was a car accident and he was killed."
"Are you sure?" He looked at a slip of paper from his pocket," Joseph Wheeler?"
"Yes. Joey Wheeler. He was killed."
"You were a friend of his?"
"Yes," I said.
"Well," he said," I didn't know about the accident. I am sorry."
* * *
"Hey," a girl named Jody that I barely knew at the beginning of English." Look, Mrs. Klein got her hair cut and it makes her look about 100 years younger, don't you think?"
"Yeah," I said.
"I think she got a tint job too." She looked over at me," Oh.hey, Mai.I heard all about Joey.It's really awful, isn't it?"
"Yes," I said," It was really awful."
"Were you-you weren't in the accident too, were you?"
I cleared my throat," No. It happened after he dropped me off at the mall and I guess.I guess it happened not too long after that."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"
"I know. It's okay. I know." I tried to smile but I couldn't. Inside, I could feel the adrenaline kick in; my heart started pounding, hard. I didn't understand what was happening to me.
"Mai," I heard Mrs. Klein say," Mai are you felling all right? You don't look-"
"Excuse me," I said," I don't feel so good."
I stood up and walked out of the class. Just like that. It was like my body had forgotten how to breathe. I knew my heart couldn't forget how to beat, but couldn't it stop? Joey's had. I ran down the hall to the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face. It didn't help any and I actually thought I was dying.
"Hey," I heard Jody say, "Hey, are you all right?"
"No," I said," I think I'm having a heart attack."
"You're too young to have a heart attack."
"Tell me about it."
"Do you want me to get the nurse?"
"She's not here on Mondays."
"Here,' said Jody as she opened up the door the a bathroom stall." I know it's not a chair or couch, but at least it's a place to sit down."
I went in and sat down on the john. My heart wasn't pounding as hard.
"You know, the nurse doesn't do anything any ways," Jody said," I had this terrible headache and she didn't even give me any Aspirin. It's against the law or something."
"I know,' I said.
"I never should've asked you about it. I'm really sorry."
I took a deep breath," No, it's okay."
"I know how close you and Joey were; I used to see you guys walking around in the halls together, talking and laughing."
I looked up at her.
"I guess you must really miss him," she said.
"Yeah," I said," I really do."
* * *
After school, I went back to Mrs. Klein's class to retrieve my books. They were neatly stacked on a corner of her desk.
"Are you feeling all right, now?" she asked.
"Yes, thanks."
"Jody mentioned about the boy who died-he was a friend of yours, wasn't he?"
"Yes."
"I'm sure your going through a very rough time right now. I want you to know how sorry I am."
Everyone extending their sympathies to me made me feel like I was a widow or something. I guess in a crazy way I was. I went to my locker, got my stuff and went out. I laid my things in the grass and kept on glancing down the road at the traffic. In the back of my head I was waiting for Joey's little red Honda to drive up and pull over by the front like it always did. When I realized what I was doing, I punished myself by walking back to the game shop without zipping up my coat.
"Are you crazy?" my mother (Tea) said when I came up the sidewalk with my jacket flapping open." Do you want to catch pneumonia?"
"No, I don't want to catch pneumonia, and yes, maybe I am crazy."
"Mai-don't."
"How did the meeting go?"
"I don't know, they didn't come back yet. " Tea pushed the door wider and I ducked inside, away from the cold. I dropped my things on the counter." Joey and I didn't have a single class together, but we saw each other during the day: between classes.at lunch.and he always brought me home after school."
"I know," Tea sighed," I looked out the window a few minutes ago and half expected to see the two of you pull up in Joey's car."
I took off my jacket and shook the snow off of it." The night Joey was killed. What time did it happen? The accident, I mean."
"Uh.I think the police said it happened about 11:00. There were people who saw it-they called an ambulance and tried to help."
"Joey dropped me off right at that time," I said," God! A minute or two later and-" I looked at Tea.
"It could've been me, too. It almost was. It could've been me."
"What happened to Joey was tragic," Tea said," But I'm not sorry he dropped you off when he did."
I was amazed. Tea never really did like me and now she was going all motherly on me. I sagged on the couch and could feel my heart racing again. Tea sat down with me," God, your shaking," she said softly," Listen to me: It was an accident. A terrible, random, accident."
I couldn't talk. I just sat there with Tea for a long time. I knew what she said was true: Joey's death was a random event; but that didn't quiet my heart. In my head, a voice kept on echoing in my brain:
Why Joey? Why not me?
"Okay."
"Good."
"Yami?"
"Yeah?"
"Is Joey really gone?"
I felt kind of stupid saying that like a child and knowing for a fact that he was dead. But I was just double-checking because Joey being dead was absurd. Nothing like that could ever happen, or so I thought.
He looked saddened. "Yes. He is."
"What happened to the driver? Was he killed too?"
Killed was the word for Joey. Joey didn't die. He wouldn't do that to me. He was killed.
Yami's features tightened and he gripped the edge of the seat," The other driver didn't even get a scratch," he spat out angrily," He was charged with reckless homicide, and dammit, he's already out on bail."
"What happens now?" I said," I mean, there's going to be a funeral."
"Day after tomorrow."
I took a deep breath," I'm okay." I said.
Yami sighed. I don't think he believed me.
"What was that," I said," You know.that shot my aunt gave me last night. What was it?"
"Valium."
"I didn't need it," I said," I tried to tell you and my aunt. I could handle this."
He just looked at me and didn't say anything.
* * * Breakfast was quiet in the Motou house. Ever since I moved to Domino, I always had breakfast with them. It's sort of like a daily tradition. It wasn't the same this day. Yugi was in a silent mode. He looked worse then when Kaiba beat him and that was pretty bad. If he weren't breathing, I would've thought he was either frozen or dead. Yami was pestering him, begging him to at least eat something. But he and I both knew that Yugi would never snap back to reality anytime soon. My eyes kept on wandering to the clock, thinking that Joey would come soon the raid the fridge. When the door opened, for a split second I saw Joey, but no. It was only Grandpa.
Grandpa looked pretty old to me, but today, he looked even older with the bags under his eyes and his stiff movement. Yami seated Grandpa down," Where have you been all night? You don't look so good." Grandpa heaved a sigh," I was up all night with Joey's dad. Poor Jack.When he got off the plane, he was drunk and crying and full of regrets. He kept talking about all the things that he never got to tell Joey.all the things they'd never done together."
I thought maybe Grandpa was going to break down and I couldn't stand it. "Where's Serenity?"
"She's helping Mr. Wheeler talk to the minister."
"Minister? Joey never goes to church."
"I don't know why either," he said, "Any ways, this minister is setting up the arrangements-"
"What arrangements?"
"For the funeral."
"Oh."
"Serenity thought that you'd like to say something at the service."
"Say something.what.you mean like a eulogy or something?"
" No, nothing like that. She thought you could read a poem that meant something to Joey. She said you can write one yourself-about his favorite card or something."
"You didn't tell her I'd do, did you?"
"No, of course not." he replied hastily, "She just supposed that you might do it since you obviously cared for Joey a lot."
I was still wearing Joey's jacket. I pulled up the collar and nodded, "Well, see you later." I stood up and started toward the door.
"Where are you going?" Yami inquired.
" To my apartment."
"Can't you stay for awhile?" he asked.
I stared at him. I think he thought I was too unstable to live by myself for a while.
"All right. Only for awhile, though."
"I'll go and get your things," said Grandpa, walking to the door. Yami blocked it," You need rest. Lie down for awhile and I'll go get Mai's stuff."
Grandpa nodded tiredly and headed for his bedroom.
"I'll go with you," I said," Lady won't go to anyone but me."
He shrugged," Okay. Yuge, do you want to come?"
Yugi didn't say anything and lowered his head.
Yami looked sad," All right, then. "
He put his hands on my shoulders,' Lets get going. We have a long drive ahead of us."
* * *
On the way to my apartment, I said to Yami, "Aunt Lo's waiting for me to fall apart, and I'm not going to."
"Would it be so terrible," he said," To fall apart just a little?"
"Sometimes you and Aunt Lo sound exactly alike."
"I guess we do sometimes."
When we got to my apartment, I took off Joey's jacket, folded it up and gently put it in the trashcan.
"You don't have to, you know, Mai," said Yami, "That's Joey's jacket, isn't it?"
"Yes,' I said,' But it reminds me of last night.I don't know. I just think it would be kind of morbid to hold to hang on to it." And I dropped the lid on the can.
* * *
I couldn't sleep that night. Long after Yami, Yugi, and Grandpa were in bed, I laid on my back and stared at the ceiling and thought: Well, he's dead. I couldn't stop thinking about Joey, thrown 100 feet from his car. Joey, who died of massive head injuries. Joey, who didn't know my aunt was standing there in the emergency room holding his hand.
I swung my legs over the edge of my bed and sat there for a few minutes, listening to my heart pound. I wasn't dumb, I knew he was dead-but I felt like I had to talk to him. I did what I thought was the next best thing. I put on Yami's thick, heavy coat and ran to my apartment and pulled out Joey's jacket from my trashcan. I guess that it was stupid to run about a mile to my apartment in a nightgown and coat for a jacket. When I got back to the Game Shop, I think I saw a flicker of a face in the window that looked like Yami. I didn't care that he knew, I just hoped that he wouldn't start getting on my back about going in the cold in the middle of the night when the weirdo's come out. It was a good thing he didn't.
When I got upstairs to the guest bedroom, I didn't even wait to thaw it out. I put it on, buttoned it up, and got back to bed.
In the morning, I'd roll it up and hide it under my mattress. For now, it was all right. It was like having Joey's arms wrapped around me.
For now, it was enough.
* * *
Tea had let me borrow one of her black dresses for the funeral. It was pretty, dark and plain. I didn't try it on until right before we left for the service, which was when I discovered it was one size too big for me.
"Damn!" Tea moaned, "I knew I should've gotten a smaller size."
"I'll have my coat on," I said," No one will see."
"I wish you'd eat something before we leave ( she's been acting like my mother lately).God, I still can't believe he's gone-"
"He's not gone," I said," Why do people always say that? Joey's not gone. He's dead."
Tea looked at me strangely," Are you all right? I know how awful this must be for you."
"What day is it? Monday or Tuesday?"
"Tuesday."
" That ice show Joey gave me tickets for," I said," It's tonight."
"Mai, you're not thinking about going alone in the city tonight-"
"No,' I said," No, of course not." But I couldn't stop thinking about the play, and the two seats in the 3rd row at the rink that would be empty that night.
* * *
I was okay for a while. I was okay during the ride downtown. It was a really beautiful day, clear yet cold. Perfect for sledding or skating, not for burying my best friend. When we got there, we parked next to my aunt's car.
As we walked to the church, I spotted others, Joey's teachers, those actors that had worked with him, his other friends, the gang, Serenity, and her father. Serenity looked absolutely destroyed.
"I can't go in." I said.
"What's wrong?" asked Bakura.
"I'm going back into the car."
"Oh.Mai-" sighed Tea.
"Joey wasn't religious, and neither am I."
"It would mean a lot to Serenity if you were there," said Tristan softly.
"I'm sorry," I murmured," I just-I don't feel very well."
I turned around and started to walk, when I felt hands grasp my shoulders. It was Kaiba. He looked pained and I guessed it was because he had made fun of Joey all this time and never really got a chance to say he was sorry.
"Please, Mai," he urged," Just for awhile and then you can go home when you want to." He said something similar to when Joey tried to make me skate. I felt tears sting my eyes in the cold and I looked down," Okay." I whispered. He gently steered me to the door as I stared at my feet. The funeral was pretty nice I think. I really didn't listen to the ceremony. I sort of blocked it all out and started spacing in my own little world.
Then, the minister started to say something like," And now, a friend of Joseph Wheelers' is going to recite one of his favorite poems. I waited for one of his friends. The gang stared at me." That means you," whispered Mokuba," Go!" I awkwardly stood up and strode to the front of the church and behind the stand. There was a sheet of paper ready for me and I stared at it blankly. The words, sentences, and letters became one messy blur and my eyes couldn't keep focused. I tried to sound out the title," Th-The B-" I stopped. My voice came out all croaky like. I wasn't going to make it and I knew it. "I-I'm sorry." my voice trailed off in despair," I can't do this." I stepped down defeated and started to run out of the church as fast as I could. I felt everyone's eyes on me and wanted to just disappear.
I cut across the snowy yard to the street. I was cold and sweating, and with each step I took, my vision seemed to darken and narrow. If Joey has been at my side, he would've whispered something funny and inappropriate about funerals. Joey was the person who helped me through rough spots. Without him,. Who could I go through life laughing with?
The car door was locked. I figured out my options: stay out in the cold or go inside to the funeral. I choose the cold.
"This is wonderful skating weather," I heard Yugi say. I turned to him. It was the first time I had heard him talk all this time. "The winter before the whole Pegasus deal, me, Tea, Tristan, and Joey used to spend the entire winter skating down by the park lake. Or at least tried. Joey was quite a skater-did you know that?"
I looked at the church." I remember coming here with Joey once," I said, changing the subject," For an assisting job at Sunday school. We told the kids bible stories and gave them snacks."
I felt his hand touch mine," Mai."
I looked up at the 16 year old boy," I had to get out of there. My throat just-clogged up."
"Do you want to go home?"
"Yes," I said.
"Here," he handed me car keys," Your aunt said that you can take her car home and she'll go home with Grandpa and them. I'll go with you. I'm not in a funeral mood either."
"I thought you came out here to talk me into going back there."
"I wouldn't do that," he replied, shifting around," Let's go.it's getting cold."
"I know it's wrong to ditch Joey on his funeral.I know I'm letting Serenity down."
Yugi gave my hand a squeeze," You're not letting anyone down, Mai." I didn't want to hear him. We got into the car. I knew he meant I was letting myself down, but how was a funeral going to help me? Joey was dead whether I went to the funeral or not.
* * *
I went back to college the next Monday. I got up early that morning, grabbed a cup of coffee, and went upstairs to wind my hair into rollers. Yami came into the bathroom while I was putting on my makeup.
"How long have you been up?" he asked, yawning.
"I don't know. A little while."
"It wouldn't hurt you to take a couple of days off of school to catch up on your rest. I know you haven't been sleeping well-"
"I want to go back," I said," I just.I just feel like if I can get back into a normal routine, then maybe I'll start feeling normal again."
"I know."
"Are you going over to Serenity's today?"
"I'm taking her and Mr. Wheeler to a meeting at the church."
"A meeting? What kind of meeting?"
"It's a support group for parent's or people who have lost their child and or sibling."
"Mr. Wheeler and Serenity didn't lose Joey," I said, "He didn't disappear. He died."
"It seems less painful saying it the other way."
"Maybe," I said," But it means the same thing."
* * *
As Yami drove me to my college classes, all the colors of the world drained from the Earth. I walked into the school for the first time ever, and one of the first things I saw when I walked into the building was the vice- principal cleaning out Joey's locker. Throwing all of Joey's things in a gym bag.
"Those things," I said," You're not throwing those things out, are you?"
"No, no, nothing like that," he said. "The college is getting crowded and the students are sharing the lockers and this student's not coming back."
"But his things," I said," What are you going to do with his things?"
"Send them to his new college, I guess."
"New school.?"
"He was transferred to a new college over the holidays."
"He was killed," I said," There was a car accident and he was killed."
"Are you sure?" He looked at a slip of paper from his pocket," Joseph Wheeler?"
"Yes. Joey Wheeler. He was killed."
"You were a friend of his?"
"Yes," I said.
"Well," he said," I didn't know about the accident. I am sorry."
* * *
"Hey," a girl named Jody that I barely knew at the beginning of English." Look, Mrs. Klein got her hair cut and it makes her look about 100 years younger, don't you think?"
"Yeah," I said.
"I think she got a tint job too." She looked over at me," Oh.hey, Mai.I heard all about Joey.It's really awful, isn't it?"
"Yes," I said," It was really awful."
"Were you-you weren't in the accident too, were you?"
I cleared my throat," No. It happened after he dropped me off at the mall and I guess.I guess it happened not too long after that."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"
"I know. It's okay. I know." I tried to smile but I couldn't. Inside, I could feel the adrenaline kick in; my heart started pounding, hard. I didn't understand what was happening to me.
"Mai," I heard Mrs. Klein say," Mai are you felling all right? You don't look-"
"Excuse me," I said," I don't feel so good."
I stood up and walked out of the class. Just like that. It was like my body had forgotten how to breathe. I knew my heart couldn't forget how to beat, but couldn't it stop? Joey's had. I ran down the hall to the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face. It didn't help any and I actually thought I was dying.
"Hey," I heard Jody say, "Hey, are you all right?"
"No," I said," I think I'm having a heart attack."
"You're too young to have a heart attack."
"Tell me about it."
"Do you want me to get the nurse?"
"She's not here on Mondays."
"Here,' said Jody as she opened up the door the a bathroom stall." I know it's not a chair or couch, but at least it's a place to sit down."
I went in and sat down on the john. My heart wasn't pounding as hard.
"You know, the nurse doesn't do anything any ways," Jody said," I had this terrible headache and she didn't even give me any Aspirin. It's against the law or something."
"I know,' I said.
"I never should've asked you about it. I'm really sorry."
I took a deep breath," No, it's okay."
"I know how close you and Joey were; I used to see you guys walking around in the halls together, talking and laughing."
I looked up at her.
"I guess you must really miss him," she said.
"Yeah," I said," I really do."
* * *
After school, I went back to Mrs. Klein's class to retrieve my books. They were neatly stacked on a corner of her desk.
"Are you feeling all right, now?" she asked.
"Yes, thanks."
"Jody mentioned about the boy who died-he was a friend of yours, wasn't he?"
"Yes."
"I'm sure your going through a very rough time right now. I want you to know how sorry I am."
Everyone extending their sympathies to me made me feel like I was a widow or something. I guess in a crazy way I was. I went to my locker, got my stuff and went out. I laid my things in the grass and kept on glancing down the road at the traffic. In the back of my head I was waiting for Joey's little red Honda to drive up and pull over by the front like it always did. When I realized what I was doing, I punished myself by walking back to the game shop without zipping up my coat.
"Are you crazy?" my mother (Tea) said when I came up the sidewalk with my jacket flapping open." Do you want to catch pneumonia?"
"No, I don't want to catch pneumonia, and yes, maybe I am crazy."
"Mai-don't."
"How did the meeting go?"
"I don't know, they didn't come back yet. " Tea pushed the door wider and I ducked inside, away from the cold. I dropped my things on the counter." Joey and I didn't have a single class together, but we saw each other during the day: between classes.at lunch.and he always brought me home after school."
"I know," Tea sighed," I looked out the window a few minutes ago and half expected to see the two of you pull up in Joey's car."
I took off my jacket and shook the snow off of it." The night Joey was killed. What time did it happen? The accident, I mean."
"Uh.I think the police said it happened about 11:00. There were people who saw it-they called an ambulance and tried to help."
"Joey dropped me off right at that time," I said," God! A minute or two later and-" I looked at Tea.
"It could've been me, too. It almost was. It could've been me."
"What happened to Joey was tragic," Tea said," But I'm not sorry he dropped you off when he did."
I was amazed. Tea never really did like me and now she was going all motherly on me. I sagged on the couch and could feel my heart racing again. Tea sat down with me," God, your shaking," she said softly," Listen to me: It was an accident. A terrible, random, accident."
I couldn't talk. I just sat there with Tea for a long time. I knew what she said was true: Joey's death was a random event; but that didn't quiet my heart. In my head, a voice kept on echoing in my brain:
Why Joey? Why not me?