The next afternoon, I went to my acting workshop to sign up for the new
semester. Even though I didn't feel like going out socially, I felt like if
I got around a lot of people, I might feel human again.
It was pretty deserted. I found the director of my workshop sitting at a table on the stage reading the sports section of the newspaper.
"Hi," I said," Where is everyone?"
"Hi, there.Well, the resident company's rehearsing and the workshop's been over for a hour."
"It's not to late to sign up, is it?"
"No, I don't think so; we have a few spaces left. I was getting a little worried when you didn't show up last week-I thought maybe you weren't coming back to us."
"Well, I've been-uh- busy lately.you know." I didn't want to tell him about Joey's death. Life was hard enough when your best friend is dead, and worse when your reminded by an 'I'm sorry he's gone' talk.
He nodded," I'll go ask Joyce to make up your new membership card. Be right back."
I sat down at the table and flipped through the newspaper. I was chuckling over the comics section when this good looking guy walked in. He looked about my age, maybe a little bit older.
"Do you work here?" he asked.
"Me? No, I'm just a student."
"Me too. I mean, I want to be. I want to sign up for the workshop-"
"The workshop director'll be back in a minute."
"Thanks." He looked around." I've never done any improvisational comedy before. My agent thinks it'll be good training for me."
"You have an agent?"
"Mostly for film work. Hey, maybe you saw a local commercial I did last September for the Jewl's Store back-to-school meat sale. I played the courteous box boy."
I smiled." Gee, I must have missed that."
He laughed. He had a nice laugh. Warm and friendly. " I guess I won't exactly get an Oscar nomination for that. How about you? What have you done professionally?"
"Nothing as glamorous as a meat commercial, I'm afraid. I studied here last semester, and was an apprentice for that theatre in they city."
" That's a great place. I did, "Hello Dolly!" there a few summers ago."
"You did? So did a friend of mine. Maybe you knew him. Joey Wheeler?"
He frowned," Joey Wheeler.I'm not sure. What does he look like?"
"Blond hair, brown eyes and tall. Very tall and lanky."
"I don't think so."
"You must remember him. He was on of the dancing waiters."
He shrugged." I didn't know many of the dancers. I was in the chorus."
"Oh."
"Hey, you want to get a cup of coffee after we're through here? You can tell me about the workshop."
I let a brief glimmer of interest before I killed it. I wasn't ready to be friends again with somebody. Not with him. Not with anybody.
"I don't think so," I said.
"There's a restaurant just down the street-"
"No, I can't. I just-can't."
"Maybe next time, huh?"
"Yeah," I said," Maybe."
* * *
As I walked home, I stopped by the same skating rink Joey took the gang to couple of weeks ago. I watched a couple of kids lace up their skates out on the pier. They got out on the ice and even though one of them was a beginner, they were doing a pretty good job.
Joey had tried to teach me how to skate. Now I'm sorry that I didn't try harder. Watching those kids go around and around the ice made me feel bad.
I bit my thumbnail and watched them for the longest time. They laughed and played and I couldn't help but to feel envious. But in a way I felt sorry for them. They were having the time of their lives and didn't even know it.
* * *
Tea threw a fit when I got back to the game shop late. "Where WERE you?! Mai, you were supposed to be home an HOUR ago! What did you DO?!"
It was all that and more. I sighed," I just went to the skating rink, okay? I sat and watched the ice skaters."
"Oh, Mai! It's so cold down there! Honestly, the thought of you being alone by the rink-"
"I didn't know what else to do."
"You could have called me!"
"I didn't think. I wasn't sure you would understand."
Tea looked at me. She seemed hurt. "You know, I wish you'd tell me some of the things that are going on in your life. I do understand-"
"I want to tell you stuff, I really do. Look, can't we just talk about this later? I'm just very tired and had a crummy day. I'm really tired."
"I hope you get some rest. We'll talk about this later, okay?"
"Yeah," I said," Okay."
* * *
We would not talk later or anytime else. I had my own system of working things out, my own way of facing them and not facing them. These methods did not include heart-to-heart chats with my friends. I couldn't let them in. I just couldn't. I decided I wasn't going to let anyone get close to me. Too dangerous. I couldn't share the bad stuff I was feeling with anyone. Joey was the one I could have talked to. Joey was the one who would understand. But Joey wasn't here now and I had to handle the sadness alone. Only instead of handling it, I put it on hold. To be dealt with it later.
This was my detour system.
* * *
It was pretty deserted. I found the director of my workshop sitting at a table on the stage reading the sports section of the newspaper.
"Hi," I said," Where is everyone?"
"Hi, there.Well, the resident company's rehearsing and the workshop's been over for a hour."
"It's not to late to sign up, is it?"
"No, I don't think so; we have a few spaces left. I was getting a little worried when you didn't show up last week-I thought maybe you weren't coming back to us."
"Well, I've been-uh- busy lately.you know." I didn't want to tell him about Joey's death. Life was hard enough when your best friend is dead, and worse when your reminded by an 'I'm sorry he's gone' talk.
He nodded," I'll go ask Joyce to make up your new membership card. Be right back."
I sat down at the table and flipped through the newspaper. I was chuckling over the comics section when this good looking guy walked in. He looked about my age, maybe a little bit older.
"Do you work here?" he asked.
"Me? No, I'm just a student."
"Me too. I mean, I want to be. I want to sign up for the workshop-"
"The workshop director'll be back in a minute."
"Thanks." He looked around." I've never done any improvisational comedy before. My agent thinks it'll be good training for me."
"You have an agent?"
"Mostly for film work. Hey, maybe you saw a local commercial I did last September for the Jewl's Store back-to-school meat sale. I played the courteous box boy."
I smiled." Gee, I must have missed that."
He laughed. He had a nice laugh. Warm and friendly. " I guess I won't exactly get an Oscar nomination for that. How about you? What have you done professionally?"
"Nothing as glamorous as a meat commercial, I'm afraid. I studied here last semester, and was an apprentice for that theatre in they city."
" That's a great place. I did, "Hello Dolly!" there a few summers ago."
"You did? So did a friend of mine. Maybe you knew him. Joey Wheeler?"
He frowned," Joey Wheeler.I'm not sure. What does he look like?"
"Blond hair, brown eyes and tall. Very tall and lanky."
"I don't think so."
"You must remember him. He was on of the dancing waiters."
He shrugged." I didn't know many of the dancers. I was in the chorus."
"Oh."
"Hey, you want to get a cup of coffee after we're through here? You can tell me about the workshop."
I let a brief glimmer of interest before I killed it. I wasn't ready to be friends again with somebody. Not with him. Not with anybody.
"I don't think so," I said.
"There's a restaurant just down the street-"
"No, I can't. I just-can't."
"Maybe next time, huh?"
"Yeah," I said," Maybe."
* * *
As I walked home, I stopped by the same skating rink Joey took the gang to couple of weeks ago. I watched a couple of kids lace up their skates out on the pier. They got out on the ice and even though one of them was a beginner, they were doing a pretty good job.
Joey had tried to teach me how to skate. Now I'm sorry that I didn't try harder. Watching those kids go around and around the ice made me feel bad.
I bit my thumbnail and watched them for the longest time. They laughed and played and I couldn't help but to feel envious. But in a way I felt sorry for them. They were having the time of their lives and didn't even know it.
* * *
Tea threw a fit when I got back to the game shop late. "Where WERE you?! Mai, you were supposed to be home an HOUR ago! What did you DO?!"
It was all that and more. I sighed," I just went to the skating rink, okay? I sat and watched the ice skaters."
"Oh, Mai! It's so cold down there! Honestly, the thought of you being alone by the rink-"
"I didn't know what else to do."
"You could have called me!"
"I didn't think. I wasn't sure you would understand."
Tea looked at me. She seemed hurt. "You know, I wish you'd tell me some of the things that are going on in your life. I do understand-"
"I want to tell you stuff, I really do. Look, can't we just talk about this later? I'm just very tired and had a crummy day. I'm really tired."
"I hope you get some rest. We'll talk about this later, okay?"
"Yeah," I said," Okay."
* * *
We would not talk later or anytime else. I had my own system of working things out, my own way of facing them and not facing them. These methods did not include heart-to-heart chats with my friends. I couldn't let them in. I just couldn't. I decided I wasn't going to let anyone get close to me. Too dangerous. I couldn't share the bad stuff I was feeling with anyone. Joey was the one I could have talked to. Joey was the one who would understand. But Joey wasn't here now and I had to handle the sadness alone. Only instead of handling it, I put it on hold. To be dealt with it later.
This was my detour system.
* * *