* * *
I wanted to handle Joey's death on my own, but after a couple of weeks, I realized that it was doing me in and I wasn't handling anything at all. I didn't think anyone would notice this about me, but they did.
"Mai, can I have your quatrains?"
"What?" I looked up at her." My what?"
"Last night's homework," she said. "Two quatrains-you forgot to turn them in at the beginning of the period."
"Oh," I said. I couldn't even remember what a quatrain was, let one having to be assigned to write some. "I don't exactly have them, Mr. Klein."
"Where is it?"
Jody shot me a look that said," Make something up!" And who knows? In the old days I would've had an excuse made up fast for Mrs. Klein. But not this time. This time I just couldn't think. This time I just didn't care. "I guess I just forgot it."
"Stay after class. You and I need to have a talk."
As soon as Mrs. Klein got back to her desk, Jody leaned over and whispered, "`You're a lot braver than me, Mai. She's been talking about those damn quatrains for over a week now."
"She has? I guess I haven't been paying attention . . . "
"Hey, are you okay? You seem kind of. . . I don't know. . . out of it lately. I see you in the halls and call out to you, but you pass by as if you didn't hear me."
"No... I hear you, but. . ." I just couldn't look at her. My eyes stung and everything written on the blackboard became ineligible. I didn't know what was wrong with me exactly.
After the class ended and every picked up their things to leave, Jody came by my desk. "I don't think anyone should face Mrs. Klein alone-want me to stick around?" she asked quietly.
"No," I said coldly," You have better things to do at home. You should go. I'm all right."
"You always say that."
"What?"
"You always say your okay when everyone can see that you're not."
Joey had said that to me once. It was okay for him to say it, but it didn't give anyone else the right to also.
"Look, I can handle everything. . . don't worry."
She shrugged," It's your funeral." She got her stuff and left. I just sat there and watched her go. I didn't say anything to stop her, even though part of me wanted her to stay."
"Mai?" called Mrs. Klein," Come up here, please. I'm staying a bit longer at school grading papers, so we can talk."
I got my things and sat in one of the desks in the front row. She turned her grade book around and ran her finger down my name to my grades, a long line of D's and F's. "Your grades have really started to slip lately," she said." There's a lot of work you haven't turned in.
"Oh," I said.
"And you seem to have a lot of trouble concentrating in class."
"If this is about the quatrains, I'll turn them in tomorrow . . ."
"No, it's not just that. I called your aunt this morning for a conference."
"What? Why?"
"I know you're going through a difficult time now-"
"What did my aunt tell you?"
"But I want you to understand that you're probably facing an incomplete on your report card this quarter."
"What exactly did my aunt tell you?"
"She reminded me about your friend. . . . about his death."
I picked up my things.
"You know, an incomplete isn't the end of the world. . . you can finish it up next semester. . .or even in summer school-"
I stood up," I'll get the work turned in. All of it."
" If I can do anything," said Mrs. Klein," Help you get caught up in school- "
"No, I don't need any help."
"I just want you to know that I understand-"
"No. No one does."
* * *
When I got back to the game shop, Tea, Yami, and Tristan were waiting in the living room for me. They were silent and were staring at me. This was not a good sign.
"I just got a call from your aunt," said Tea softly," She said she was having a conference with your history teacher."
"She did?"
"Yeah, she told us all about it."
"Oh well, I guess I'm failing English. . ."
"We don't give a damn about English," said Tristan firmly," We care about you. . . about what is happening to you."
"I don't know," I said flatly, staring at them," I don't even know now."
"The night Joey was killed," said Yami, "it hit you so hard. . . there was absolutely no color on your face. . ."
"I don't want to talk about that night," I said hotly.
"I was worried about you because you weren't even talking coherently-and before your aunt gave you that shot. . . she said that the whole thing didn't catch up to you yet. Do you remember that?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember. . ."
"I think it's finally catching up to you now, don't you think?"
I was a bunch of knots inside," Yeah. . . I guess so." I turned away and started on the stairs," Look. . . can we talk about this later? I'm a little tired."
"Wait Mai, we haven't talked about this before. . . but Serenity said she felt much better after she started seeing the doctor your aunt recommended her. . ."
I stopped right in my tracks and slowly turned around," I am not seeing a therapist ,Tea."
"Serenity says he's easy to talk to. Why don't you just let me call and make an appointment for you. . ."
"No! I'm glad it's working for Serenity. . . I'm glad she's feeling better. But I can't do it. Talk to someone about Joey. I couldn't. It's too private."
Yami ran his fingers in his hair," I think you pushed it-going to school after Joey died. . . maybe you should stay home for awhile. . ."
"Maybe. . ."
He nodded," Try to get some rest. . ."
"I will."
* * *
Yami woke me up a few hours later, reminding me about Serenity's 18th birthday party. I had almost forgotten about it and as soon as I remembered, I felt awful. How could I face Serenity after I ditched her big brother's funeral?
I slipped into a pretty long black skirt and white blouse. I stared into the mirror. This outfit brought so many memories.
I'd remember Joey, glancing at me whenever I'd wear this outfit. I'd check myself in the mirror and he'd be checking too, next to me. "You have to change into something else," he'd say. "Why?" I'd ask," What's wrong with it?" "Nothing," he'd reply," I'm just worried that someone might steal you away from me wearing that." Then we'd laugh and he'd kiss me on my forehead and give me a giant-sized hug.
It was strange that I still remembered how his soft kisses and big hugs felt like. I looked in the mirror for the longest time, waiting for Joey to appear by my side and tell me how I looked. He didn't though, of course.
I drew in a shaky breath and tore my moist eyes away from the mirror. 'Face the truth, Mai,' I told myself silently,' Joey's never coming back, and you know it.'
* * *
I had a great time at the party. I danced, talked, ate, and had fun. Best of all, I forgot about Joey. For awhile. I didn't see Serenity through the sea of people until the party ended and me and my friends helped clean up.
I noticed Serenity wrapping up the leftovers at the refreshment table alone. 'If Joey was here, there wouldn't be any leftovers,' I told myself silently. "Maybe I should go over there and talk to her," I told Yami, who was helping me trash the crepe streamers.
"She'd like that."
"I don't know what to tell her. I don't know what to say about ditching Joey's funeral."
"You don't have to say anything. Serenity understands."
"I don't know. . ." I sighed. I finally made up my mind and walked up to Serenity. When she saw me, she gave me a big smile and hug. "Hey Mai! I'm glad you came!"
"Yeah. I'm glad too."
"Yami told me that you're having a rough time."
This was so characteristic of Serenity: to turn around and worry about me.
"I don't know," I said," I've just been having trouble sleeping and I don't seem to pay attention in class. Outside of being a little crazy, I guess I'm fine."
"Serenity laughed," You can't go through what we have without going a little crazy."
"Serenity. . .I'm sorry about not going to Joey's funeral. But-"
"Oh, Mai." She reached over and squeezed my hand. " You were Joey's friend. You were there for him when it counted."
"I wanted to say something to you at the funeral. . . and the night at the hospital, too. I know that was a terrible time for you."
"The hardest part was not knowing," said Serenity. "No one at the hospital would tell me anything definite. Your aunt was the one who finally gave me a straight answer. She was in the emergency room for a short while. Something like two minutes. Then she came out and told me Joey was probably not going to make it. And she asked me if I wanted to see him."
"Did you?"
"Yes," said Serenity. "Even though I had talked to the police and the nurses, there was a part of me that wouldn't believe he was there. I had to see him . . I had to say goodbye."
I bit my lip until I tasted blood. I was not going to give in to a big emotional scene.
"The worst thing of all, though, was that I couldn't do anything to help him. I never got to pay him back in full for saving my eyesight. . .I wanted to save him so badly. . .but I just couldn't. I looked in on him for a minute, but your aunt stayed inn the E.R with him the whole time. I know it was terribly difficult for her to come out and tell me that Joey had died." Her pretty hazel eyes had filled up with tears. So did mine.
"Why is it," said Serenity," That I never seem to have a tissue when I need one?"
"Here," said Tea, handing her a box of Kleenex.
I backed off and felt terrible. This was supposed to be Serenity's birthday. She was okay till I came and reminded her about her dead brother. Why was I the one to always screw things up for every body?
* * *
I wanted to handle Joey's death on my own, but after a couple of weeks, I realized that it was doing me in and I wasn't handling anything at all. I didn't think anyone would notice this about me, but they did.
"Mai, can I have your quatrains?"
"What?" I looked up at her." My what?"
"Last night's homework," she said. "Two quatrains-you forgot to turn them in at the beginning of the period."
"Oh," I said. I couldn't even remember what a quatrain was, let one having to be assigned to write some. "I don't exactly have them, Mr. Klein."
"Where is it?"
Jody shot me a look that said," Make something up!" And who knows? In the old days I would've had an excuse made up fast for Mrs. Klein. But not this time. This time I just couldn't think. This time I just didn't care. "I guess I just forgot it."
"Stay after class. You and I need to have a talk."
As soon as Mrs. Klein got back to her desk, Jody leaned over and whispered, "`You're a lot braver than me, Mai. She's been talking about those damn quatrains for over a week now."
"She has? I guess I haven't been paying attention . . . "
"Hey, are you okay? You seem kind of. . . I don't know. . . out of it lately. I see you in the halls and call out to you, but you pass by as if you didn't hear me."
"No... I hear you, but. . ." I just couldn't look at her. My eyes stung and everything written on the blackboard became ineligible. I didn't know what was wrong with me exactly.
After the class ended and every picked up their things to leave, Jody came by my desk. "I don't think anyone should face Mrs. Klein alone-want me to stick around?" she asked quietly.
"No," I said coldly," You have better things to do at home. You should go. I'm all right."
"You always say that."
"What?"
"You always say your okay when everyone can see that you're not."
Joey had said that to me once. It was okay for him to say it, but it didn't give anyone else the right to also.
"Look, I can handle everything. . . don't worry."
She shrugged," It's your funeral." She got her stuff and left. I just sat there and watched her go. I didn't say anything to stop her, even though part of me wanted her to stay."
"Mai?" called Mrs. Klein," Come up here, please. I'm staying a bit longer at school grading papers, so we can talk."
I got my things and sat in one of the desks in the front row. She turned her grade book around and ran her finger down my name to my grades, a long line of D's and F's. "Your grades have really started to slip lately," she said." There's a lot of work you haven't turned in.
"Oh," I said.
"And you seem to have a lot of trouble concentrating in class."
"If this is about the quatrains, I'll turn them in tomorrow . . ."
"No, it's not just that. I called your aunt this morning for a conference."
"What? Why?"
"I know you're going through a difficult time now-"
"What did my aunt tell you?"
"But I want you to understand that you're probably facing an incomplete on your report card this quarter."
"What exactly did my aunt tell you?"
"She reminded me about your friend. . . . about his death."
I picked up my things.
"You know, an incomplete isn't the end of the world. . . you can finish it up next semester. . .or even in summer school-"
I stood up," I'll get the work turned in. All of it."
" If I can do anything," said Mrs. Klein," Help you get caught up in school- "
"No, I don't need any help."
"I just want you to know that I understand-"
"No. No one does."
* * *
When I got back to the game shop, Tea, Yami, and Tristan were waiting in the living room for me. They were silent and were staring at me. This was not a good sign.
"I just got a call from your aunt," said Tea softly," She said she was having a conference with your history teacher."
"She did?"
"Yeah, she told us all about it."
"Oh well, I guess I'm failing English. . ."
"We don't give a damn about English," said Tristan firmly," We care about you. . . about what is happening to you."
"I don't know," I said flatly, staring at them," I don't even know now."
"The night Joey was killed," said Yami, "it hit you so hard. . . there was absolutely no color on your face. . ."
"I don't want to talk about that night," I said hotly.
"I was worried about you because you weren't even talking coherently-and before your aunt gave you that shot. . . she said that the whole thing didn't catch up to you yet. Do you remember that?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember. . ."
"I think it's finally catching up to you now, don't you think?"
I was a bunch of knots inside," Yeah. . . I guess so." I turned away and started on the stairs," Look. . . can we talk about this later? I'm a little tired."
"Wait Mai, we haven't talked about this before. . . but Serenity said she felt much better after she started seeing the doctor your aunt recommended her. . ."
I stopped right in my tracks and slowly turned around," I am not seeing a therapist ,Tea."
"Serenity says he's easy to talk to. Why don't you just let me call and make an appointment for you. . ."
"No! I'm glad it's working for Serenity. . . I'm glad she's feeling better. But I can't do it. Talk to someone about Joey. I couldn't. It's too private."
Yami ran his fingers in his hair," I think you pushed it-going to school after Joey died. . . maybe you should stay home for awhile. . ."
"Maybe. . ."
He nodded," Try to get some rest. . ."
"I will."
* * *
Yami woke me up a few hours later, reminding me about Serenity's 18th birthday party. I had almost forgotten about it and as soon as I remembered, I felt awful. How could I face Serenity after I ditched her big brother's funeral?
I slipped into a pretty long black skirt and white blouse. I stared into the mirror. This outfit brought so many memories.
I'd remember Joey, glancing at me whenever I'd wear this outfit. I'd check myself in the mirror and he'd be checking too, next to me. "You have to change into something else," he'd say. "Why?" I'd ask," What's wrong with it?" "Nothing," he'd reply," I'm just worried that someone might steal you away from me wearing that." Then we'd laugh and he'd kiss me on my forehead and give me a giant-sized hug.
It was strange that I still remembered how his soft kisses and big hugs felt like. I looked in the mirror for the longest time, waiting for Joey to appear by my side and tell me how I looked. He didn't though, of course.
I drew in a shaky breath and tore my moist eyes away from the mirror. 'Face the truth, Mai,' I told myself silently,' Joey's never coming back, and you know it.'
* * *
I had a great time at the party. I danced, talked, ate, and had fun. Best of all, I forgot about Joey. For awhile. I didn't see Serenity through the sea of people until the party ended and me and my friends helped clean up.
I noticed Serenity wrapping up the leftovers at the refreshment table alone. 'If Joey was here, there wouldn't be any leftovers,' I told myself silently. "Maybe I should go over there and talk to her," I told Yami, who was helping me trash the crepe streamers.
"She'd like that."
"I don't know what to tell her. I don't know what to say about ditching Joey's funeral."
"You don't have to say anything. Serenity understands."
"I don't know. . ." I sighed. I finally made up my mind and walked up to Serenity. When she saw me, she gave me a big smile and hug. "Hey Mai! I'm glad you came!"
"Yeah. I'm glad too."
"Yami told me that you're having a rough time."
This was so characteristic of Serenity: to turn around and worry about me.
"I don't know," I said," I've just been having trouble sleeping and I don't seem to pay attention in class. Outside of being a little crazy, I guess I'm fine."
"Serenity laughed," You can't go through what we have without going a little crazy."
"Serenity. . .I'm sorry about not going to Joey's funeral. But-"
"Oh, Mai." She reached over and squeezed my hand. " You were Joey's friend. You were there for him when it counted."
"I wanted to say something to you at the funeral. . . and the night at the hospital, too. I know that was a terrible time for you."
"The hardest part was not knowing," said Serenity. "No one at the hospital would tell me anything definite. Your aunt was the one who finally gave me a straight answer. She was in the emergency room for a short while. Something like two minutes. Then she came out and told me Joey was probably not going to make it. And she asked me if I wanted to see him."
"Did you?"
"Yes," said Serenity. "Even though I had talked to the police and the nurses, there was a part of me that wouldn't believe he was there. I had to see him . . I had to say goodbye."
I bit my lip until I tasted blood. I was not going to give in to a big emotional scene.
"The worst thing of all, though, was that I couldn't do anything to help him. I never got to pay him back in full for saving my eyesight. . .I wanted to save him so badly. . .but I just couldn't. I looked in on him for a minute, but your aunt stayed inn the E.R with him the whole time. I know it was terribly difficult for her to come out and tell me that Joey had died." Her pretty hazel eyes had filled up with tears. So did mine.
"Why is it," said Serenity," That I never seem to have a tissue when I need one?"
"Here," said Tea, handing her a box of Kleenex.
I backed off and felt terrible. This was supposed to be Serenity's birthday. She was okay till I came and reminded her about her dead brother. Why was I the one to always screw things up for every body?
* * *