* * *
My friends let me lie around for exactly 2 weeks. Then one morning, Yami came into my room and pulled the sheet down to my nose.
"I don't think this is such a hot idea, Mai, you staying in bed all the time like this."
"I just need to work things out by myself for a little while," I said. "I need some time alone to figure things out."
He sat down on the bed and looked at me," Just exactly how bad are you feeling? Tell me."
I peeked at him over the bed sheets," What? What do you mean?"
"Well, I guess I'm asking you if your so unhappy you're thinking of hurting yourself. I guess I'm asking you if you're thinking of suicide."
"What?!" That really got my attention. "Am I thinking of about thinking about what?!"
"Are you thinking about hurting yourself?" He asked in such a calm manner, you'd think he was talking about the weather.
"No!" I yanked down the sheet to my chin. "I'm not like that! I'm very. . .stable! I'm not stupid!"
"I know you're not," said Yami," And I know you're stable. But even stable people get depressed and that's what I'm talking about depression."
I stared at him as if he had gone completely crazy," You were talking about suicide and now depression?! You must think I'm nutso or something? I am definitely _ not _ thinking of suicide and I am _ not _ depressed, okay?!" I pulled the sheet over my head.
Yami pulled the sheet off. "Come on. . .let's take a walk."
" A walk? Did I hear you right? A _walk _??"
"Depression's a funny thing," said Yami," The more you lie around, the more depressed you get."
"I am NOT depressed and going for a walk isn't going to change anything."
"Yes it will," said Yami," It'll make me happy to see you in a vertical position. Now up."
"I don't know. . . I feel kind of shaky about going out."
"I'll be right there; nothing's going to happen."
I looked at him," Do you think I'm crazy?"
"A little."
I laughed, for the first time in weeks. It felt terrific.
Yami smiled," Wait for you outside."
* * *
I got dressed and went down stairs. Yami was waiting for me out on the sidewalk. When he saw me, he smiled and held out his hand. "It's a beautiful day, isn't it?"
"Yeah," I said, taking his hand. We started walking. The sun was very strong and the ice patches were starting to melt into warm puddles. The whole season had changed while I was up in my room, hibernating.
"How do you feel? About Joey's death, I mean. "
"I can't figure out all this stuff! It's all tangled up! It started when Joey died. I know that, but knowing doesn't make it any easier to untangle."
"You'll get untangled."
"I got through Joey's death okay. . .but what I can't figure out is how to get through life without him."
"The Nocovain's finally wearing off and you're starting to feel a little pain, huh?"
"Yeah. . ." We hit the corner and started walking back. "You know. . .I never cried once when Joey died. . .do you think that's wrong?"
"No . . .I think everybody probably handles something like this in their own way. Look at Serenity. . . she did enough crying for both of you."
I smiled," Yeah. . . "
"Come here," said Yami. He put his arm around me and pulled me into a hug.
Safe.
Secure.
* * *
The next morning ,I decided to take a plunge and return back to school. When I told Tea this at breakfast, she chased me around the table with a box of cereal.
"No!" I said," I'm not hungry!"
"You're going back to school and you've got to get something to eat-"
"If I have anything besides coffee, I'll throw up!"
"Oh," Tea said," All right. Coffee then."
"You have to write me a note. Just keep it simple. Something like ,"Please excuse Mai's absence from school. She went a little nuts for awhile. Although she may foam at the mouth, she poses no threats to students or teachers."
"Honestly," said Tea. She poured some milk in her bowl of cereal. "You okay about going back? How do you feel about it?"
"I'm more or less petrified."
"Are you? Do you realize this is the first time you've done that before? Told me how you felt straight out like that?"
"Ta da," I said. "No. . . what I mean is. . .I never meant to keep anything from you. I'm just not too great about talking about what's inside. But I guess you know that already. From now on, I'll try to tell you what's on my mind."
"Promise?"
"Promise."
* **
After school, on the way home, I stopped by Serenity's house to say hello. I haven't talked to her since the party.
It was weird being back at Joey's house. It was sort of like my second home. But now I felt out of place; like I didn't belong.
"Hey, Mai," called out Serenity from the kitchen," Be careful on the hall floor, I just waxed it."
I had the feeling that I had just interrupted Serenity's early spring cleaning. The living room furniture had been pushed around and the rug had been rolled up. I went down to the kitchen.
"Did I come at a bad time?" I asked.
"You? Never. Come on and sit down. Coffee?"
"Yes, please."
"How have you been doing?" she asked as she poured me a cup.
I took a long sip," Some days are better than others. Joey spoiled me, you know. No one else measures up."
"He thought an awful lot about you, too, Mai. You know that, don't you?"
"I think so. I know he did."
"Mai-I've been wanting to give you something but it had slipped my mind at the party and I never got a chance to see you with all this cleaning. Wait here, let me get it."
I took another drink and waited. She finally came back with a small box in her hand. I opened it. "Oh, no Serenity. . .I can't accept this. . ." I stared down at what was in my trembling hands. Joey's duel monsters deck.
"Yes," urged Serenity," Joey would want you to keep his deck safe with him."
"Are you sure you want to give this to me?" I fanned out the cards and stared at the monsters. Flame Swordsman. Baby Dragon. Time Wizard. Rude Kaiser. All bringing back happy memories of duels long ago.
She nodded and smiled." Yes. . .what I want is for you to have something of Joey's." When she said that, I felt pretty good. Warm. Like I had a nice shot of brandy.
"This really means a lot to me."
"You know ,Mai . . .I have something to tell you but I'm not sure how to tell it to you."
The warm glow receded. I didn't want to hear any more bad news. I was no longer good at coping with that stuff. Besides, I already had enough bad news for a lifetime. I braced myself any ways.
"What is it?" I asked.
"My mom and dad are getting back together. . .but they're deciding to move to Tokyo were my mom and I used to live. We'll be moving as soon as we sell the house."
"Moving?" I said," No. . ."
"I know I should have mentioned it earlier, but it wasn't definite until today."
"Why? Is it because of Joey?"
"No. . . we were about to move last fall, but my parents didn't want Joey to change colleges. It's all right, Mai. We're in pretty good shape. We're looking forward to this move; we're not running away from anything."
It just didn't seem fair. First Joey, then the Wheelers. Too much changing too fast.
"Have you told my friends yet?" I asked.
"No. Not yet."
"They're not going to like it. " I said," They're really going to miss you. So am I."
Serenity smiled. "Hey, you're my older sister, you know. I'm not to crazy about leaving you either."
"Is this why you're doing all this cleaning? Because of the move? Can I do anything to help?"
"Yes," said Serenity," You can come over here and give me a hug."
I got up and hugged her. After a few minutes, I said," Is it really okay? Are you happy about the move? Really?"
"Yes. Really."
"That's all that matters, then."
* * *
It really rattled me, the idea of the Wheelers moving. But why? It wasn't like they could take Joey away from me, because he was already gone, so what was exactly wrong? It also got me thinking hard. What if I moved? Could I escape the painful memories? I needed a change. Maybe if I did move, I'd start feeling normal again and forget about Joey for a brief time. It was funny how my mind kept trying to adjust the picture and make it right when it was me that needed adjusting.
* * *
My friends let me lie around for exactly 2 weeks. Then one morning, Yami came into my room and pulled the sheet down to my nose.
"I don't think this is such a hot idea, Mai, you staying in bed all the time like this."
"I just need to work things out by myself for a little while," I said. "I need some time alone to figure things out."
He sat down on the bed and looked at me," Just exactly how bad are you feeling? Tell me."
I peeked at him over the bed sheets," What? What do you mean?"
"Well, I guess I'm asking you if your so unhappy you're thinking of hurting yourself. I guess I'm asking you if you're thinking of suicide."
"What?!" That really got my attention. "Am I thinking of about thinking about what?!"
"Are you thinking about hurting yourself?" He asked in such a calm manner, you'd think he was talking about the weather.
"No!" I yanked down the sheet to my chin. "I'm not like that! I'm very. . .stable! I'm not stupid!"
"I know you're not," said Yami," And I know you're stable. But even stable people get depressed and that's what I'm talking about depression."
I stared at him as if he had gone completely crazy," You were talking about suicide and now depression?! You must think I'm nutso or something? I am definitely _ not _ thinking of suicide and I am _ not _ depressed, okay?!" I pulled the sheet over my head.
Yami pulled the sheet off. "Come on. . .let's take a walk."
" A walk? Did I hear you right? A _walk _??"
"Depression's a funny thing," said Yami," The more you lie around, the more depressed you get."
"I am NOT depressed and going for a walk isn't going to change anything."
"Yes it will," said Yami," It'll make me happy to see you in a vertical position. Now up."
"I don't know. . . I feel kind of shaky about going out."
"I'll be right there; nothing's going to happen."
I looked at him," Do you think I'm crazy?"
"A little."
I laughed, for the first time in weeks. It felt terrific.
Yami smiled," Wait for you outside."
* * *
I got dressed and went down stairs. Yami was waiting for me out on the sidewalk. When he saw me, he smiled and held out his hand. "It's a beautiful day, isn't it?"
"Yeah," I said, taking his hand. We started walking. The sun was very strong and the ice patches were starting to melt into warm puddles. The whole season had changed while I was up in my room, hibernating.
"How do you feel? About Joey's death, I mean. "
"I can't figure out all this stuff! It's all tangled up! It started when Joey died. I know that, but knowing doesn't make it any easier to untangle."
"You'll get untangled."
"I got through Joey's death okay. . .but what I can't figure out is how to get through life without him."
"The Nocovain's finally wearing off and you're starting to feel a little pain, huh?"
"Yeah. . ." We hit the corner and started walking back. "You know. . .I never cried once when Joey died. . .do you think that's wrong?"
"No . . .I think everybody probably handles something like this in their own way. Look at Serenity. . . she did enough crying for both of you."
I smiled," Yeah. . . "
"Come here," said Yami. He put his arm around me and pulled me into a hug.
Safe.
Secure.
* * *
The next morning ,I decided to take a plunge and return back to school. When I told Tea this at breakfast, she chased me around the table with a box of cereal.
"No!" I said," I'm not hungry!"
"You're going back to school and you've got to get something to eat-"
"If I have anything besides coffee, I'll throw up!"
"Oh," Tea said," All right. Coffee then."
"You have to write me a note. Just keep it simple. Something like ,"Please excuse Mai's absence from school. She went a little nuts for awhile. Although she may foam at the mouth, she poses no threats to students or teachers."
"Honestly," said Tea. She poured some milk in her bowl of cereal. "You okay about going back? How do you feel about it?"
"I'm more or less petrified."
"Are you? Do you realize this is the first time you've done that before? Told me how you felt straight out like that?"
"Ta da," I said. "No. . . what I mean is. . .I never meant to keep anything from you. I'm just not too great about talking about what's inside. But I guess you know that already. From now on, I'll try to tell you what's on my mind."
"Promise?"
"Promise."
* **
After school, on the way home, I stopped by Serenity's house to say hello. I haven't talked to her since the party.
It was weird being back at Joey's house. It was sort of like my second home. But now I felt out of place; like I didn't belong.
"Hey, Mai," called out Serenity from the kitchen," Be careful on the hall floor, I just waxed it."
I had the feeling that I had just interrupted Serenity's early spring cleaning. The living room furniture had been pushed around and the rug had been rolled up. I went down to the kitchen.
"Did I come at a bad time?" I asked.
"You? Never. Come on and sit down. Coffee?"
"Yes, please."
"How have you been doing?" she asked as she poured me a cup.
I took a long sip," Some days are better than others. Joey spoiled me, you know. No one else measures up."
"He thought an awful lot about you, too, Mai. You know that, don't you?"
"I think so. I know he did."
"Mai-I've been wanting to give you something but it had slipped my mind at the party and I never got a chance to see you with all this cleaning. Wait here, let me get it."
I took another drink and waited. She finally came back with a small box in her hand. I opened it. "Oh, no Serenity. . .I can't accept this. . ." I stared down at what was in my trembling hands. Joey's duel monsters deck.
"Yes," urged Serenity," Joey would want you to keep his deck safe with him."
"Are you sure you want to give this to me?" I fanned out the cards and stared at the monsters. Flame Swordsman. Baby Dragon. Time Wizard. Rude Kaiser. All bringing back happy memories of duels long ago.
She nodded and smiled." Yes. . .what I want is for you to have something of Joey's." When she said that, I felt pretty good. Warm. Like I had a nice shot of brandy.
"This really means a lot to me."
"You know ,Mai . . .I have something to tell you but I'm not sure how to tell it to you."
The warm glow receded. I didn't want to hear any more bad news. I was no longer good at coping with that stuff. Besides, I already had enough bad news for a lifetime. I braced myself any ways.
"What is it?" I asked.
"My mom and dad are getting back together. . .but they're deciding to move to Tokyo were my mom and I used to live. We'll be moving as soon as we sell the house."
"Moving?" I said," No. . ."
"I know I should have mentioned it earlier, but it wasn't definite until today."
"Why? Is it because of Joey?"
"No. . . we were about to move last fall, but my parents didn't want Joey to change colleges. It's all right, Mai. We're in pretty good shape. We're looking forward to this move; we're not running away from anything."
It just didn't seem fair. First Joey, then the Wheelers. Too much changing too fast.
"Have you told my friends yet?" I asked.
"No. Not yet."
"They're not going to like it. " I said," They're really going to miss you. So am I."
Serenity smiled. "Hey, you're my older sister, you know. I'm not to crazy about leaving you either."
"Is this why you're doing all this cleaning? Because of the move? Can I do anything to help?"
"Yes," said Serenity," You can come over here and give me a hug."
I got up and hugged her. After a few minutes, I said," Is it really okay? Are you happy about the move? Really?"
"Yes. Really."
"That's all that matters, then."
* * *
It really rattled me, the idea of the Wheelers moving. But why? It wasn't like they could take Joey away from me, because he was already gone, so what was exactly wrong? It also got me thinking hard. What if I moved? Could I escape the painful memories? I needed a change. Maybe if I did move, I'd start feeling normal again and forget about Joey for a brief time. It was funny how my mind kept trying to adjust the picture and make it right when it was me that needed adjusting.
* * *