(A/N: Okay, same stupid story as before. Legolas, off to kill Frodo. Have
fun!)
"Of course Frodo, of course." He replied seductively. "Oh, Legolas, I cannot take it any longer, come to me! Come to me Leggy." Legolas approached Frodo slowly and sat in front of him. "Legolas let me see you." Legolas repressed a laugh. Frodo quickly pulled up his lethal weapon and Legolas grabbed it pointing it towards Frodo's head. "Any last words?" He said. Frodo shivered and said "the best part of waking up is Folgers's in your cup." Legolas squeezed the hot dog and shot Frodo in the abdomen. "You, bitch." Frodo gasped before falling over sideways. Legolas grabbed his body and tossed it off the peak. "Off to find my seductress bear Borm- bor!" Legolas ran quickly away from the scene of the murder and on the way was saw Pippin & Gimli doing the electric slide, nude. Legolas brushed it off and ran to his tent. Boromir now knew how Legolas felt about him and they embraced. "Awwww." Said Aragorn crying and Legolas jumped. "Come on Argy babe; let's leave these two to some privacy." Said Merry laughing. Aragorn and Merry left holding hands and Legolas began kissing Boromir. Now that they were alone they felt so together.
They began to kiss some more & Boromir removed his clothing, and Legolas' clothing. They were having much fun until someone came barging into the tent. "Can't we have any fucking priva-" Legolas stopped as he saw who it was. FRODO! "I'll be damned! I fucking killed you!" Legolas said in disbelief. "You did Legolas, oh yes you did, and now," he said dangerously, "I came back as, drum-roll please, Frodo the white!" Boromir stared. Legolas stared. Frodo stared. "So what the hell does being white have to do with anything? Huh? Get the fuck out of here and leave us tan brothers ALONE! We're trying to have sex here!" Said Legolas. "Yeah, sod off." Added Boromir. "Fiiiine, I was just gonna ask if you wanted to do some Richard Simmons tapes with me, but nooooo," he said half whining. "Richard Simmons! I love- "Legolas began."Get the fuck out of here man! Er, hobbit! We're busy." Said Boromir. "Well Jesus, ya could have kindly asked me to leave, but nooooo, yer so mean! MAN!" Said Frodo the white, clambering out of the tent. Legolas rolled his eyes and Boromir pulled him close. They resumed their activity but once more, they were disrupted.
Gandalf ran into the tent wildly waving his staff. Not his wooden, magical one mind you. Boromir screamed but Legolas sat in awe. "Damn Gandy, your dick is less wrinkly than any old guys I've ever seen! What do you use, Oil of Olay or Neutrogena? Or something else?" "Actually Legolas I prefer the" Gandalf began. "Oh fuck it, no time for idle talk now, where's Frodo? I need him bad! This is an emergency!" He said. "Did someone die?" Asked Boromir. "No, no, but my sex drive will soon. I overheard Mer & Argy going at it like rabbits and figured I might as well have some fun before we leave camp." Legolas & Boromir cringed. "Sure Gan, Frodo the white just ran off." Said Legolas. Gandalf felt very abashed & hurt when he heard the phrase 'Frodo the white.' "The white? But I'm supposed to be the white? I have to fight a huge fucking Balrog in a little bit just to get white, what'd he do to become white? I'm supposed to be white." He said sadly. "Too fucking bad. Get the fuck out dude, go whack off or some shit; just leave us the hell alone! Damn!" Said Boromir irritably. "Fine, God dude, take a frickin break, calm your hormones." Said Gandalf backing out.
"And don't come the fuck back!" Boromir said throwing out Gandalf's staff behind him. "Baby, chill, come on, let's continue." Legolas said softly, indicating his cot. And so they were left in peace for the rest of the night. Some, it seems, were not quite as peaceful. Gimli broke the second heart in two days by telling Pippin to sod off and pointing out that "you're the ugliest damn bloke I've ever seen!" Pippin began to cry and ran to the river, but Gimli however sat down at the same spot Frodo supposedly died at. There were many dead birds lying on the ground. "Strange." He muttered. He began mulling things over in his mind. Why was he so bitter? He knew why, it all started in Rivendell. The day Gimli, son of Gloin was chosen to go to represent the dwarves at a meeting in Rivendell, land of the elves, he was very excited indeed. He packed his fanciest clothes and his hair kit. When he arrived in Rivendell he was rooming with a young Elvin archer named Legolas. They got along fine and all was good and jolly, until one day, Gimli, son of Gloin came back to his room to find that his hair kit was missing. He started a search party but they had no luck.
Soon they left Rivendell and Gimli didn't have his hair kit. But Gimli seems to remember one thing from the night of the crime, "Nasssty tricksssy dwarfisses, they takes our hair kits," "No! Dwarfy good, good dwarf," "You fool! He tooks our hair stuff, looks! We's going bald! Take it back, it's ours!" "No! No! No!" "Mine, my own, my preciousss." Gimli wasn't the same without his hair kit. "I'm just not the same without my hair kit." He felt afraid of pursuing a relationship because they might notice his unkempt hair and leave him. "I feel afraid of pursuing a relationship because they might notice my unkempt hair and leave me!" But as he heard the far off wails of his electric slide partner, and thought over all of the good things they had done together, he decided that this relationship should be pursued, unkempt hair or not. He got up from his spot and ran towards the wails, tripping a good five or six times along the way. "Pippin!" He said as he approached him. "I have nothing to say to you Gimli. son of Gloin." Muttered Pippin stubbornly. "Good, cause I have some things to say to you. I know I hurt you baby, but, I've had a lot of time to think by myself and," He cleared his throat.
"Well, you are the cutest damn bloke I've ever seen, and I'm the dumbest, damn bloke. Baby, I really love you! And miss you. I've been so hurt, so scared, so unfeeling since I left Rivendell, what with my missing hair kit and all, and my mind has been a mess (along with my hair.) Please, take me back." Said Gimli pleadingly. "Gimli, I had no idea, your own hair kit!" Said Pippin breathlessly. "I'm so insensitive." Pippin whined. "Oh, oh no baby, you're perfect!" Pippin slowly drew in a breath, wiped his tears away and muttered, "Up for some electric slide?" Meanwhile, Aragorn had gotten himself into a pretty bad fix. He got his head stuck in between two tree branches. Merry stood back holding an empty tub of Crisco and a super-size bottle of Herbal Essences shampoo. "Merry! It hurts!" Whined Aragorn crying. "Don't pull at it sweety, it'll only make it worse." Merry said rubbing Aragorn's back. "Help me, it really hurts! It's pulling my hair out too!" "Argy hun, there is absolutely nothing I can do, unless you want me to try to find some more Crisco? It almost did the trick." He said. "Naw, I'll just sit here, helpless, alone, with my fucking ass itching like hell."
Merry picked up the empty Crisco tub and chucked it into the trees. Gandalf the grey suppressed a cry. He heard almost everything that was going on except for that Aragorn's head was stuck in a tree. So as you can imagine, the situation, what with the Crisco and shampoo bottle looked very disgusting. Gandalf quickly stepped back from the Crisco tub. "Ew!" He squealed. "Gosh darned mental cases, can't go two fucking seconds without going and having sex, then again, I can't talk, my own partner won't even fuck me!" He exclaimed. Gandalf was not a very happy camper today, he was having some problems. he felt very miffed after his little episode with Frodo, or, 'Frodo "The Evil Hobbit Prat Who Deserves To Die" son of Drogo' as Gandalf now called him. Gandalf had tried to get Frodo to have some fun with him by tempting him with a new staff and some margarita's but obviously Frodo "The Evil Hobbit Prat Who Deserves To Die" son of Drogo had felt himself above banging someone of a smaller order. That's why Frodo was currently in a secret hobbit hole he dug with his rabbit like teeth, drinking Gandalf's margaritas with Saruman.
Gandalf charged out of the trees towards Aragorn & Merry afraid of what he might see. The sight left Gandalf breathless with laughter. Aragorn, whose head was stuck in a tree, squealing about Merry getting shampoo into his eyes. "Gandalf!" Yelled Merry. "Please get him out of here." Gandalf did not feel like handling someone else's problems but if they were gonna head for Caradhras today than they had to move out. "Fine." He said advancing on Aragorn. He reached for Aragorn's neck and with an almighty wrench pulled it free. Aragorn let out a scream like a freight train and collapsed on the ground screaming in agony. "What the fuck did you do?" Asked Merry incredulously. "Only what was necessary, you would've used all the Crisco! We're moving out today. Get ready." He said walking away. Gandalf went into each of the tents and whacking all of them with his staff at least twice before he managed to get them ready to leave. Frodo was very disgruntled because Gandalf had stormed into his hobbit hole while Saruman and he were role-playing as two French farmers lost on the Titanic.
Gandalf kicked Saruman out and carried Frodo to camp. "Stupid bitch! Get off of me!" He screamed all the way. Everyone was ready to go so they set off. They went some ways peacefully but finally someone broke the quiet. "Gandalf! Pippin's kicking me!" Whined Merry. "Pippin, stop it!" Said Gandalf. "Fiiine." Pippin said rolling his eyes. Sam walked at the back of the group feeling very lonely. "Everyone here has gotten boinked at least once since we left Rivendell except for me! Hmmm, let's see, Gandalf has a staff, that must be what works to his advantage. I think I need a staff." Sam trailed off into the woods to find a staff. They were nearing the mountain Caradhras so the staff might help with more than one thing. He looked around for a branch to use but just as he found the perfect branch to break he heard two voices yelling. "God damn it Sauron! If I've told you once, then I've told you fucking twice!" "Now, listen here Hitler, I've been good to you, so why the hell are you doing this?" "Why the hell am I doing this? WHY THE HELL AM I DOING THIS? YOU FUCKING RETARD!!! I am doing this, Sauron, because you have not been good to me." He said dabbing his eyes.
"Considering you constantly degrade me, always making fun of my obsession with blue eyed blonde haired little elves and the way you always laugh at my little mustache! I've had it up to here!" "Fine, you know what Hitler? When I take total power over the world and you are left as a useless piece of crap that has absolutely nowhere to go, then we'll see how good I can be to you when you come poncing back!" Sam was shocked. He sat down on a log listening to Hitler cry. Finally, Sam figured, "if he's single, and so am I, then why don't I go see if he digs brown haired, brown eyed little hobbits." Sam laughed mischievously and ran into the clearing. Hitler looked up in puzzlement. "Who the hell are you?" "Your dream!" Sam said climbing over to Hitler. Needless to say, Hitler was in serious need of a good banging as there is only so much you can do with an eye. When Hitler and Sam had finished there little episode Sam took Hitler's hand and walked with him to camp. "So, why didn't it work out with you and Sauron?" "I guess ya know, two dictators in a relationship, one wants his own way and the other wants his own way, we just weren't meant to be."
(A/N: Hope ya liked, it's a bit dumb, but I think Boromir and Legolas sound so cute together, I mean, in this story, not actually. No, don't wanna think about what would happen if Orlando Bloom and Sean Bean got together, I'd frankly be happy for them, yet, forlorn, thinking of all the cute babies they could've made with the decent women. Enough of my ramblings, see ya next time!)
"Of course Frodo, of course." He replied seductively. "Oh, Legolas, I cannot take it any longer, come to me! Come to me Leggy." Legolas approached Frodo slowly and sat in front of him. "Legolas let me see you." Legolas repressed a laugh. Frodo quickly pulled up his lethal weapon and Legolas grabbed it pointing it towards Frodo's head. "Any last words?" He said. Frodo shivered and said "the best part of waking up is Folgers's in your cup." Legolas squeezed the hot dog and shot Frodo in the abdomen. "You, bitch." Frodo gasped before falling over sideways. Legolas grabbed his body and tossed it off the peak. "Off to find my seductress bear Borm- bor!" Legolas ran quickly away from the scene of the murder and on the way was saw Pippin & Gimli doing the electric slide, nude. Legolas brushed it off and ran to his tent. Boromir now knew how Legolas felt about him and they embraced. "Awwww." Said Aragorn crying and Legolas jumped. "Come on Argy babe; let's leave these two to some privacy." Said Merry laughing. Aragorn and Merry left holding hands and Legolas began kissing Boromir. Now that they were alone they felt so together.
They began to kiss some more & Boromir removed his clothing, and Legolas' clothing. They were having much fun until someone came barging into the tent. "Can't we have any fucking priva-" Legolas stopped as he saw who it was. FRODO! "I'll be damned! I fucking killed you!" Legolas said in disbelief. "You did Legolas, oh yes you did, and now," he said dangerously, "I came back as, drum-roll please, Frodo the white!" Boromir stared. Legolas stared. Frodo stared. "So what the hell does being white have to do with anything? Huh? Get the fuck out of here and leave us tan brothers ALONE! We're trying to have sex here!" Said Legolas. "Yeah, sod off." Added Boromir. "Fiiiine, I was just gonna ask if you wanted to do some Richard Simmons tapes with me, but nooooo," he said half whining. "Richard Simmons! I love- "Legolas began."Get the fuck out of here man! Er, hobbit! We're busy." Said Boromir. "Well Jesus, ya could have kindly asked me to leave, but nooooo, yer so mean! MAN!" Said Frodo the white, clambering out of the tent. Legolas rolled his eyes and Boromir pulled him close. They resumed their activity but once more, they were disrupted.
Gandalf ran into the tent wildly waving his staff. Not his wooden, magical one mind you. Boromir screamed but Legolas sat in awe. "Damn Gandy, your dick is less wrinkly than any old guys I've ever seen! What do you use, Oil of Olay or Neutrogena? Or something else?" "Actually Legolas I prefer the" Gandalf began. "Oh fuck it, no time for idle talk now, where's Frodo? I need him bad! This is an emergency!" He said. "Did someone die?" Asked Boromir. "No, no, but my sex drive will soon. I overheard Mer & Argy going at it like rabbits and figured I might as well have some fun before we leave camp." Legolas & Boromir cringed. "Sure Gan, Frodo the white just ran off." Said Legolas. Gandalf felt very abashed & hurt when he heard the phrase 'Frodo the white.' "The white? But I'm supposed to be the white? I have to fight a huge fucking Balrog in a little bit just to get white, what'd he do to become white? I'm supposed to be white." He said sadly. "Too fucking bad. Get the fuck out dude, go whack off or some shit; just leave us the hell alone! Damn!" Said Boromir irritably. "Fine, God dude, take a frickin break, calm your hormones." Said Gandalf backing out.
"And don't come the fuck back!" Boromir said throwing out Gandalf's staff behind him. "Baby, chill, come on, let's continue." Legolas said softly, indicating his cot. And so they were left in peace for the rest of the night. Some, it seems, were not quite as peaceful. Gimli broke the second heart in two days by telling Pippin to sod off and pointing out that "you're the ugliest damn bloke I've ever seen!" Pippin began to cry and ran to the river, but Gimli however sat down at the same spot Frodo supposedly died at. There were many dead birds lying on the ground. "Strange." He muttered. He began mulling things over in his mind. Why was he so bitter? He knew why, it all started in Rivendell. The day Gimli, son of Gloin was chosen to go to represent the dwarves at a meeting in Rivendell, land of the elves, he was very excited indeed. He packed his fanciest clothes and his hair kit. When he arrived in Rivendell he was rooming with a young Elvin archer named Legolas. They got along fine and all was good and jolly, until one day, Gimli, son of Gloin came back to his room to find that his hair kit was missing. He started a search party but they had no luck.
Soon they left Rivendell and Gimli didn't have his hair kit. But Gimli seems to remember one thing from the night of the crime, "Nasssty tricksssy dwarfisses, they takes our hair kits," "No! Dwarfy good, good dwarf," "You fool! He tooks our hair stuff, looks! We's going bald! Take it back, it's ours!" "No! No! No!" "Mine, my own, my preciousss." Gimli wasn't the same without his hair kit. "I'm just not the same without my hair kit." He felt afraid of pursuing a relationship because they might notice his unkempt hair and leave him. "I feel afraid of pursuing a relationship because they might notice my unkempt hair and leave me!" But as he heard the far off wails of his electric slide partner, and thought over all of the good things they had done together, he decided that this relationship should be pursued, unkempt hair or not. He got up from his spot and ran towards the wails, tripping a good five or six times along the way. "Pippin!" He said as he approached him. "I have nothing to say to you Gimli. son of Gloin." Muttered Pippin stubbornly. "Good, cause I have some things to say to you. I know I hurt you baby, but, I've had a lot of time to think by myself and," He cleared his throat.
"Well, you are the cutest damn bloke I've ever seen, and I'm the dumbest, damn bloke. Baby, I really love you! And miss you. I've been so hurt, so scared, so unfeeling since I left Rivendell, what with my missing hair kit and all, and my mind has been a mess (along with my hair.) Please, take me back." Said Gimli pleadingly. "Gimli, I had no idea, your own hair kit!" Said Pippin breathlessly. "I'm so insensitive." Pippin whined. "Oh, oh no baby, you're perfect!" Pippin slowly drew in a breath, wiped his tears away and muttered, "Up for some electric slide?" Meanwhile, Aragorn had gotten himself into a pretty bad fix. He got his head stuck in between two tree branches. Merry stood back holding an empty tub of Crisco and a super-size bottle of Herbal Essences shampoo. "Merry! It hurts!" Whined Aragorn crying. "Don't pull at it sweety, it'll only make it worse." Merry said rubbing Aragorn's back. "Help me, it really hurts! It's pulling my hair out too!" "Argy hun, there is absolutely nothing I can do, unless you want me to try to find some more Crisco? It almost did the trick." He said. "Naw, I'll just sit here, helpless, alone, with my fucking ass itching like hell."
Merry picked up the empty Crisco tub and chucked it into the trees. Gandalf the grey suppressed a cry. He heard almost everything that was going on except for that Aragorn's head was stuck in a tree. So as you can imagine, the situation, what with the Crisco and shampoo bottle looked very disgusting. Gandalf quickly stepped back from the Crisco tub. "Ew!" He squealed. "Gosh darned mental cases, can't go two fucking seconds without going and having sex, then again, I can't talk, my own partner won't even fuck me!" He exclaimed. Gandalf was not a very happy camper today, he was having some problems. he felt very miffed after his little episode with Frodo, or, 'Frodo "The Evil Hobbit Prat Who Deserves To Die" son of Drogo' as Gandalf now called him. Gandalf had tried to get Frodo to have some fun with him by tempting him with a new staff and some margarita's but obviously Frodo "The Evil Hobbit Prat Who Deserves To Die" son of Drogo had felt himself above banging someone of a smaller order. That's why Frodo was currently in a secret hobbit hole he dug with his rabbit like teeth, drinking Gandalf's margaritas with Saruman.
Gandalf charged out of the trees towards Aragorn & Merry afraid of what he might see. The sight left Gandalf breathless with laughter. Aragorn, whose head was stuck in a tree, squealing about Merry getting shampoo into his eyes. "Gandalf!" Yelled Merry. "Please get him out of here." Gandalf did not feel like handling someone else's problems but if they were gonna head for Caradhras today than they had to move out. "Fine." He said advancing on Aragorn. He reached for Aragorn's neck and with an almighty wrench pulled it free. Aragorn let out a scream like a freight train and collapsed on the ground screaming in agony. "What the fuck did you do?" Asked Merry incredulously. "Only what was necessary, you would've used all the Crisco! We're moving out today. Get ready." He said walking away. Gandalf went into each of the tents and whacking all of them with his staff at least twice before he managed to get them ready to leave. Frodo was very disgruntled because Gandalf had stormed into his hobbit hole while Saruman and he were role-playing as two French farmers lost on the Titanic.
Gandalf kicked Saruman out and carried Frodo to camp. "Stupid bitch! Get off of me!" He screamed all the way. Everyone was ready to go so they set off. They went some ways peacefully but finally someone broke the quiet. "Gandalf! Pippin's kicking me!" Whined Merry. "Pippin, stop it!" Said Gandalf. "Fiiine." Pippin said rolling his eyes. Sam walked at the back of the group feeling very lonely. "Everyone here has gotten boinked at least once since we left Rivendell except for me! Hmmm, let's see, Gandalf has a staff, that must be what works to his advantage. I think I need a staff." Sam trailed off into the woods to find a staff. They were nearing the mountain Caradhras so the staff might help with more than one thing. He looked around for a branch to use but just as he found the perfect branch to break he heard two voices yelling. "God damn it Sauron! If I've told you once, then I've told you fucking twice!" "Now, listen here Hitler, I've been good to you, so why the hell are you doing this?" "Why the hell am I doing this? WHY THE HELL AM I DOING THIS? YOU FUCKING RETARD!!! I am doing this, Sauron, because you have not been good to me." He said dabbing his eyes.
"Considering you constantly degrade me, always making fun of my obsession with blue eyed blonde haired little elves and the way you always laugh at my little mustache! I've had it up to here!" "Fine, you know what Hitler? When I take total power over the world and you are left as a useless piece of crap that has absolutely nowhere to go, then we'll see how good I can be to you when you come poncing back!" Sam was shocked. He sat down on a log listening to Hitler cry. Finally, Sam figured, "if he's single, and so am I, then why don't I go see if he digs brown haired, brown eyed little hobbits." Sam laughed mischievously and ran into the clearing. Hitler looked up in puzzlement. "Who the hell are you?" "Your dream!" Sam said climbing over to Hitler. Needless to say, Hitler was in serious need of a good banging as there is only so much you can do with an eye. When Hitler and Sam had finished there little episode Sam took Hitler's hand and walked with him to camp. "So, why didn't it work out with you and Sauron?" "I guess ya know, two dictators in a relationship, one wants his own way and the other wants his own way, we just weren't meant to be."
(A/N: Hope ya liked, it's a bit dumb, but I think Boromir and Legolas sound so cute together, I mean, in this story, not actually. No, don't wanna think about what would happen if Orlando Bloom and Sean Bean got together, I'd frankly be happy for them, yet, forlorn, thinking of all the cute babies they could've made with the decent women. Enough of my ramblings, see ya next time!)