(A/N: Well, last chapter Hitler and Sam met, they were off to meet the rest
of the Fellowship. Hope you like this, it's sort of dumb, but, hey, so am
I!)
Sam smiled as they approached the nights camp. Legolas was standing right on the path. Hitler stopped as he eyed Legolas. "Blonde hair, blue eyed, little elf." He muttered. Legolas approached the couple slowly and shook hands with Hitler. "Hello, I'm Legolas Greenleaf, Elvin prince of Mirkwood. And you are?" He asked politely. Hitler, staring transfixed at Legolas stammered a bit. "Uh, erm, um, oh, my name? Hitler Johnson, I mean, Adolph Hitler, of the uh, Nazi clan, thing, we execute Jews." He said proudly. Legolas looked confused, "come again?" "Uh, we execute Jews, Jewish. er, people. Yeah, that's um, my job." Hitler said awkwardly. "I'm afraid I've never heard of Jews, but, um, if that's your choice, more power to ya." Said Legolas backing away. Sam put his arm around Hitler and they strode into camp where they met up with Frodo, Gandalf & Merry. "Where's Argy at Mer?" Asked Sam. "Uh, ya see, Gandalf sorta accidentally broke his neck so Gimli is making him a cast at the moment. And who is this you have with you?" Asked Merry eying Hitler suspiciously. Gandalf closed his eyes tightly. "Balrog, demon of the underworld. Run!" Said Gandalf opening his eyes.
Merry looked confused, as did Frodo. "Oops, heh heh, wrong line. Hitler, dictator and biggest asshole to ever come out of Germany." Gandalf corrected himself. "So, you're an asshole. That's cool, might I ask exactly where 'Germany' is?" Said Frodo uninterestedly. "Yeah, it's in Europe." Hitler said. Frodo and Merry began whispering. "Germany, Europe, I believe that's a small town south of Minas Tirith." "Merry you dumb-ass, It's right by Rohan, I believe its original name was 'Helms Deep.'" Replied Frodo. "Well all, Hitler and I have to go meet the others. Well, Hitler has to meet the others. Exactly where are Gimli & Aragorn?" "In the first tent, Pippin is in there as well." Said Gandalf. Sam and Hitler hand in hand approached the second tent. As they entered they saw a disgruntled looking Aragorn sitting on a bench with a big wooden block around his neck. Gimli was sitting across from him with a chisel in his hand and Pippin was holding back a laugh as he stared at Aragorn. "Aragorn, Pippin, Gimli, this is Hitler." "Hello, glad to meet ya mate!" Said Pippin cheerily. "Happy, happy, happy! Rejoice, cheer, joy. While everyone here has full use of their necks," He said pointing to the block.
"I am sitting here in agony. God bless the whole fucking world!" Said Aragorn harshly. Gimli grunted a "hi" as he stared impolitely at Hitler. "Why, Gimli! I had no idea! Sammy never told me he was talking about you!" Said Hitler. "You two know each other?" Asked Sam. "Yeah, we competed against each other for the Miss Middle-Earth title." Muttered Gimli. "Really? Who won?" Complete silence. No answer. The sound of crickets chirping outside. Absolute stillness. You get the picture. "Um, actually, I won, Sammy. Gim has never quite been the same." Laughed Hitler. "YOU BITCH!" Screamed Gimli punching Hitler in the face. "Gimli! I am so ashamed! Come on Hitler." Yelled Sam dragging Hitler out. "Let's go find Boromir, at least he's civilized!" Off they set to search out Boromir. It didn't take them very long as he was attracted by Hitler's girly, high pitched shrieks. "Boromir, Hitler. Hitler, Boromir." Said Sam as he indicated each of them at the sound of their names. "Pleased to meet you Hitler." Said Boromir. Legolas walked up behind Boromir and began rubbing his back. "Baby, I need some help with this box-like thing I found," He said cutely.
"Apparently you're supposed to see something in it but all I see is my gorgeous face, not that I'm complaining." He said with a wink. Hitler stood rooted to the spot and as he watched that luscious wink he melted. "Baby, have you tried pressing the little dots, ya know with the half triangles on them?" Said Boromir as he began to walk off with Legolas. "I already told you, they don't work." "So Hit, watcha think of my pals?" Asked Sam. "Their, great!" He said eying Legolas's ass. He licked his lips. Sam led him to a beautiful spot where they could watch the sunset. "Oh Sam, it's gorgeous." Said Hitler. They sat like that until it got dark. Then they got up and went into their tent. Hitler couldn't sleep for a few things, like Aragorn and Merry not shutting up once. "Argy, I can't help it, Gimli's cast is bound to be uncomfortable but it's better than practically decapitating yourself!" "Merry, please, help me." Said Aragorn through sobs. "I'll kill that God damned Gandalf, hurting my baby." And so it went on all night, threats towards Gandalf from Merry and threats of suicide from Aragorn. But another thing weighed on Hitler's mind. Like Legolas.
He got up and walked towards Legolas and Boromir's tent. They were both asleep. Hitler lifted the flap and peeked inside. Legolas's long, silky Pantene Pro-V hair rippled from a soft wind. "Beautiful," remarked Hitler. He snuck into the tent and lifted the sleeping Legolas. He snuck down the hill and into the woods all the while Legolas stayed asleep. Hitler laid him down and began to stroke his face. Legolas woke up and screamed. "Ah! Get the fuck away from me, you, you, bitch!" He screeched. "Oh Legolas, no need to be so mean, I won't harm you, I love blue-eyed blonde haired little elf boys, & men." He said rubbing his tummy. "You won't love me after this." Legolas kneed him in the balls and stood up over him. "I've been raped before, and trust me, it won't fucking happen again. By the Hitler, I'm a Jew. I'm Jewish. Only reason I played dumb with you was because I didn't have a fucking death wish, I didn't wanna wake up to the smell of the frickin' gas chamber. Nor did I want to wake up to the smell of you. It frankly smells, a bit like horse shit." Legolas grabbed his wrists and pinned him to the ground. He reached for something around his neck.
To Hitler's great surprise he pulled out a miniature horn of Gondor. He blew hard on it and within a second or two the whole fellowship came charging through the trees. Boromir in his Barbie nightgown and Frodo wearing a lacy slip. Merry and Aragorn had nothing on except for towels and Sam was wearing a shower cap and Adidas nightshirt while Pippin was wearing a shirt with a picture of Marijuana on that said "I love you Mary Jane." Gimli & Gandalf both had on shirts that say "Beauty queen." It was quite an odd-looking affair. "Hey Gimli, nice shirt!" Said Gandalf. "Ooh! Gandy, we have the same shirts!" Squealed Gimli. Sam stepped forward as he looked at the scene before him. "What the?" "He tried to rape me, now he's going to kill me because I'm a Jew." Said Legolas. "A Jew, hmm, isn't that one of those people who pisses on walls to make artwork and then they get paid for it?" Asked Merry. "Merry you dumb-ass, It's a religion." Said Gimli. "A what? A region you say? Okay." Said Merry. "Merry you dumb-ass, a RELIGION." Said Gandalf. "Oookaay! Gosh, I might as well legally change my name to dumb-ass; I've been called that like three times today!" Said Merry grumpily.
"Can we get to the fucking point?" Said Legolas. "Of course." Said Gandalf. "We need to hold a trial to decide what to do with ditz lover here." "Hey, I'm not a ditz!" Protested Legolas. "Yeah, yeah, that's nice. Come along." Said Gandalf. They all headed for camp with Hitler in hand cuffs. "Hey, did someone here used to be a cop? Where'd we get these handcuffs?" Asked Gimli. "Their Merry & Aragorn's." Said Legolas. "Ooh, kinky." Said Frodo with a sly smile. "Yes, well, we pride ourselves on it." Said Merry as Aragorn laughed. They soon reached the camp and Gandalf took up position of judge. "Aight ya'll, we're here for the trial of Hitler Johnson." Said Gandalf. "Adolph Hitler." Corrected Sam. "Hittie, how could you try to hurt my friend?" Asked Sam. "I never meant to, it, it, was his hair!" Said Hitler. Sam began to cry loudly and Merry began laughing. "What the fuck is so funny?" Asked Pippin. "Sam cries like a girl." Pippin burst out laughing, as did everyone else except for Hitler and Gandalf, and of course, Sam. "Shut the fuck up! God merry, you're a major dumb-ass." That certainly shut Merry up. "Okay, for trying to rape, and murder our dear friend, what do you suggest we do?"
"I say we beat the fuck out him, and then we kill him!" Said Merry. "Merry you dumb-ass, stop speaking out of turn!" Said Gandalf. Merry went red and flicked Gandalf off. "Alright, since Legolas was the real victim here, I suggest that we let him decide." Said Gandalf ignoring Merry's rude gesture. "I say we beat the fuck out him, then we kill him!" Said Legolas. "Why Legolas, what a great idea!" Said Gandalf. Merry who was now looking very frustrated managed to sputter out "but, but I just fucking said the same damned thing!" He said. "Shut up dumb-ass, stop speaking out of turn." Said Boromir. Pippin started laughing. "Pippin, what the fuck is so god damned funny now?" Asked Frodo who was obviously irritated. "Merry is a dumb-ass!" Pippin pointed out. "Well no shit Sherlock! S'matter o' fact, you are too!" Said Frodo. "Am not!" "Are too!" "Am not!" "Are too!" "Am not!" "Are too!" "Am n-" "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Yelled Sam. "Let's get this over with!" "Very well, someone get the pop rocks and someone get the Dr. Pepper." Said Gandalf. "I will!" Yelled Pippin. "Fine, go, shoo!" Pippin ponced off to retrieve the objects and everyone was silent.
"Please don't kill me!" Begged Hitler. "Shut up you retard." Said Legolas. Suddenly a giant rumbling made everyone shut up. "What the.?" A giant eye bounced in through the trees. "Hitler, I've come to kill you dear!" Said the eye. "SAURON!" Yelled Gandalf. "You're not supposed to be in this part crack-head!" "Oh Gandy shut your mouth, I've come to retrieve my lil' Nazi. I'm planning on killing him." Said Sauron. "Here he is!" Said Merry. "Oh, it's the dumb-ass! Where is he you say?" "Here!" Said Legolas pointing to Hitler. "Saurry, please, don't kill me! I love you." Begged Hitler. "Shut- up you slut. I am an eye, I see everything. Like you and Sammy here, bumpin the tent. Now, I'm gonna take you back to Mordor and make you wish you were never born!" Said Sauron unmercifully. Everyone watched wide eyed as Sauron grabbed Hitler with newly sprouted hands and ponced off singing "what a girl wants." "Wow! That was easy, we didn't even have to do it!" Said Legolas. Sam sat down sobbing. "I finally find a good man and some big ass eye comes and takes him." "Well Sam, we would've killed the bastard anyway." Pointed out Merry.
"Yeah but Merry you dumb-ass, I would've at least been able to say good- bye." He replied. Legolas rolled his eyes and followed Boromir back to his tent. Everyone went back to their tents and fell asleep. The morning came too soon for the Fellowship. They woke up very grumpily and no one felt like climbing a mountain. It was very quiet and no one spoke unless they were insulting Merry. Before they set off that day they had a bit of a dilemma. Gimli & Frodo got in a fight because Frodo called him an "ugly ass tele- tubbie." So Pippin jumped in and they were both whooping Frodo's ass until Sam & Gandalf jumped in to defend Frodo. Legolas tried to break it up until he got whacked with Gandalf's staff, twice. He jumped in and Boromir obviously felt the need to protect his baby so HE jumped in and Merry sat amused in front of the luggage. He watched for some time but like all good things, it had to end, and it did. Everyone except Merry & Aragorn had some sort of wound by the time it ended, well, Aragorn did have a major handicap. Right before they set off for Caradhras Pippin noticed something was missing. "Er, Merry, you dumb-ass, did you let Bill go?"
(A/N: Okay, the end to another chapter, hope you liked it. Ever notice that I always put that? Well, it's true. So, until next time.)
Sam smiled as they approached the nights camp. Legolas was standing right on the path. Hitler stopped as he eyed Legolas. "Blonde hair, blue eyed, little elf." He muttered. Legolas approached the couple slowly and shook hands with Hitler. "Hello, I'm Legolas Greenleaf, Elvin prince of Mirkwood. And you are?" He asked politely. Hitler, staring transfixed at Legolas stammered a bit. "Uh, erm, um, oh, my name? Hitler Johnson, I mean, Adolph Hitler, of the uh, Nazi clan, thing, we execute Jews." He said proudly. Legolas looked confused, "come again?" "Uh, we execute Jews, Jewish. er, people. Yeah, that's um, my job." Hitler said awkwardly. "I'm afraid I've never heard of Jews, but, um, if that's your choice, more power to ya." Said Legolas backing away. Sam put his arm around Hitler and they strode into camp where they met up with Frodo, Gandalf & Merry. "Where's Argy at Mer?" Asked Sam. "Uh, ya see, Gandalf sorta accidentally broke his neck so Gimli is making him a cast at the moment. And who is this you have with you?" Asked Merry eying Hitler suspiciously. Gandalf closed his eyes tightly. "Balrog, demon of the underworld. Run!" Said Gandalf opening his eyes.
Merry looked confused, as did Frodo. "Oops, heh heh, wrong line. Hitler, dictator and biggest asshole to ever come out of Germany." Gandalf corrected himself. "So, you're an asshole. That's cool, might I ask exactly where 'Germany' is?" Said Frodo uninterestedly. "Yeah, it's in Europe." Hitler said. Frodo and Merry began whispering. "Germany, Europe, I believe that's a small town south of Minas Tirith." "Merry you dumb-ass, It's right by Rohan, I believe its original name was 'Helms Deep.'" Replied Frodo. "Well all, Hitler and I have to go meet the others. Well, Hitler has to meet the others. Exactly where are Gimli & Aragorn?" "In the first tent, Pippin is in there as well." Said Gandalf. Sam and Hitler hand in hand approached the second tent. As they entered they saw a disgruntled looking Aragorn sitting on a bench with a big wooden block around his neck. Gimli was sitting across from him with a chisel in his hand and Pippin was holding back a laugh as he stared at Aragorn. "Aragorn, Pippin, Gimli, this is Hitler." "Hello, glad to meet ya mate!" Said Pippin cheerily. "Happy, happy, happy! Rejoice, cheer, joy. While everyone here has full use of their necks," He said pointing to the block.
"I am sitting here in agony. God bless the whole fucking world!" Said Aragorn harshly. Gimli grunted a "hi" as he stared impolitely at Hitler. "Why, Gimli! I had no idea! Sammy never told me he was talking about you!" Said Hitler. "You two know each other?" Asked Sam. "Yeah, we competed against each other for the Miss Middle-Earth title." Muttered Gimli. "Really? Who won?" Complete silence. No answer. The sound of crickets chirping outside. Absolute stillness. You get the picture. "Um, actually, I won, Sammy. Gim has never quite been the same." Laughed Hitler. "YOU BITCH!" Screamed Gimli punching Hitler in the face. "Gimli! I am so ashamed! Come on Hitler." Yelled Sam dragging Hitler out. "Let's go find Boromir, at least he's civilized!" Off they set to search out Boromir. It didn't take them very long as he was attracted by Hitler's girly, high pitched shrieks. "Boromir, Hitler. Hitler, Boromir." Said Sam as he indicated each of them at the sound of their names. "Pleased to meet you Hitler." Said Boromir. Legolas walked up behind Boromir and began rubbing his back. "Baby, I need some help with this box-like thing I found," He said cutely.
"Apparently you're supposed to see something in it but all I see is my gorgeous face, not that I'm complaining." He said with a wink. Hitler stood rooted to the spot and as he watched that luscious wink he melted. "Baby, have you tried pressing the little dots, ya know with the half triangles on them?" Said Boromir as he began to walk off with Legolas. "I already told you, they don't work." "So Hit, watcha think of my pals?" Asked Sam. "Their, great!" He said eying Legolas's ass. He licked his lips. Sam led him to a beautiful spot where they could watch the sunset. "Oh Sam, it's gorgeous." Said Hitler. They sat like that until it got dark. Then they got up and went into their tent. Hitler couldn't sleep for a few things, like Aragorn and Merry not shutting up once. "Argy, I can't help it, Gimli's cast is bound to be uncomfortable but it's better than practically decapitating yourself!" "Merry, please, help me." Said Aragorn through sobs. "I'll kill that God damned Gandalf, hurting my baby." And so it went on all night, threats towards Gandalf from Merry and threats of suicide from Aragorn. But another thing weighed on Hitler's mind. Like Legolas.
He got up and walked towards Legolas and Boromir's tent. They were both asleep. Hitler lifted the flap and peeked inside. Legolas's long, silky Pantene Pro-V hair rippled from a soft wind. "Beautiful," remarked Hitler. He snuck into the tent and lifted the sleeping Legolas. He snuck down the hill and into the woods all the while Legolas stayed asleep. Hitler laid him down and began to stroke his face. Legolas woke up and screamed. "Ah! Get the fuck away from me, you, you, bitch!" He screeched. "Oh Legolas, no need to be so mean, I won't harm you, I love blue-eyed blonde haired little elf boys, & men." He said rubbing his tummy. "You won't love me after this." Legolas kneed him in the balls and stood up over him. "I've been raped before, and trust me, it won't fucking happen again. By the Hitler, I'm a Jew. I'm Jewish. Only reason I played dumb with you was because I didn't have a fucking death wish, I didn't wanna wake up to the smell of the frickin' gas chamber. Nor did I want to wake up to the smell of you. It frankly smells, a bit like horse shit." Legolas grabbed his wrists and pinned him to the ground. He reached for something around his neck.
To Hitler's great surprise he pulled out a miniature horn of Gondor. He blew hard on it and within a second or two the whole fellowship came charging through the trees. Boromir in his Barbie nightgown and Frodo wearing a lacy slip. Merry and Aragorn had nothing on except for towels and Sam was wearing a shower cap and Adidas nightshirt while Pippin was wearing a shirt with a picture of Marijuana on that said "I love you Mary Jane." Gimli & Gandalf both had on shirts that say "Beauty queen." It was quite an odd-looking affair. "Hey Gimli, nice shirt!" Said Gandalf. "Ooh! Gandy, we have the same shirts!" Squealed Gimli. Sam stepped forward as he looked at the scene before him. "What the?" "He tried to rape me, now he's going to kill me because I'm a Jew." Said Legolas. "A Jew, hmm, isn't that one of those people who pisses on walls to make artwork and then they get paid for it?" Asked Merry. "Merry you dumb-ass, It's a religion." Said Gimli. "A what? A region you say? Okay." Said Merry. "Merry you dumb-ass, a RELIGION." Said Gandalf. "Oookaay! Gosh, I might as well legally change my name to dumb-ass; I've been called that like three times today!" Said Merry grumpily.
"Can we get to the fucking point?" Said Legolas. "Of course." Said Gandalf. "We need to hold a trial to decide what to do with ditz lover here." "Hey, I'm not a ditz!" Protested Legolas. "Yeah, yeah, that's nice. Come along." Said Gandalf. They all headed for camp with Hitler in hand cuffs. "Hey, did someone here used to be a cop? Where'd we get these handcuffs?" Asked Gimli. "Their Merry & Aragorn's." Said Legolas. "Ooh, kinky." Said Frodo with a sly smile. "Yes, well, we pride ourselves on it." Said Merry as Aragorn laughed. They soon reached the camp and Gandalf took up position of judge. "Aight ya'll, we're here for the trial of Hitler Johnson." Said Gandalf. "Adolph Hitler." Corrected Sam. "Hittie, how could you try to hurt my friend?" Asked Sam. "I never meant to, it, it, was his hair!" Said Hitler. Sam began to cry loudly and Merry began laughing. "What the fuck is so funny?" Asked Pippin. "Sam cries like a girl." Pippin burst out laughing, as did everyone else except for Hitler and Gandalf, and of course, Sam. "Shut the fuck up! God merry, you're a major dumb-ass." That certainly shut Merry up. "Okay, for trying to rape, and murder our dear friend, what do you suggest we do?"
"I say we beat the fuck out him, and then we kill him!" Said Merry. "Merry you dumb-ass, stop speaking out of turn!" Said Gandalf. Merry went red and flicked Gandalf off. "Alright, since Legolas was the real victim here, I suggest that we let him decide." Said Gandalf ignoring Merry's rude gesture. "I say we beat the fuck out him, then we kill him!" Said Legolas. "Why Legolas, what a great idea!" Said Gandalf. Merry who was now looking very frustrated managed to sputter out "but, but I just fucking said the same damned thing!" He said. "Shut up dumb-ass, stop speaking out of turn." Said Boromir. Pippin started laughing. "Pippin, what the fuck is so god damned funny now?" Asked Frodo who was obviously irritated. "Merry is a dumb-ass!" Pippin pointed out. "Well no shit Sherlock! S'matter o' fact, you are too!" Said Frodo. "Am not!" "Are too!" "Am not!" "Are too!" "Am not!" "Are too!" "Am n-" "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Yelled Sam. "Let's get this over with!" "Very well, someone get the pop rocks and someone get the Dr. Pepper." Said Gandalf. "I will!" Yelled Pippin. "Fine, go, shoo!" Pippin ponced off to retrieve the objects and everyone was silent.
"Please don't kill me!" Begged Hitler. "Shut up you retard." Said Legolas. Suddenly a giant rumbling made everyone shut up. "What the.?" A giant eye bounced in through the trees. "Hitler, I've come to kill you dear!" Said the eye. "SAURON!" Yelled Gandalf. "You're not supposed to be in this part crack-head!" "Oh Gandy shut your mouth, I've come to retrieve my lil' Nazi. I'm planning on killing him." Said Sauron. "Here he is!" Said Merry. "Oh, it's the dumb-ass! Where is he you say?" "Here!" Said Legolas pointing to Hitler. "Saurry, please, don't kill me! I love you." Begged Hitler. "Shut- up you slut. I am an eye, I see everything. Like you and Sammy here, bumpin the tent. Now, I'm gonna take you back to Mordor and make you wish you were never born!" Said Sauron unmercifully. Everyone watched wide eyed as Sauron grabbed Hitler with newly sprouted hands and ponced off singing "what a girl wants." "Wow! That was easy, we didn't even have to do it!" Said Legolas. Sam sat down sobbing. "I finally find a good man and some big ass eye comes and takes him." "Well Sam, we would've killed the bastard anyway." Pointed out Merry.
"Yeah but Merry you dumb-ass, I would've at least been able to say good- bye." He replied. Legolas rolled his eyes and followed Boromir back to his tent. Everyone went back to their tents and fell asleep. The morning came too soon for the Fellowship. They woke up very grumpily and no one felt like climbing a mountain. It was very quiet and no one spoke unless they were insulting Merry. Before they set off that day they had a bit of a dilemma. Gimli & Frodo got in a fight because Frodo called him an "ugly ass tele- tubbie." So Pippin jumped in and they were both whooping Frodo's ass until Sam & Gandalf jumped in to defend Frodo. Legolas tried to break it up until he got whacked with Gandalf's staff, twice. He jumped in and Boromir obviously felt the need to protect his baby so HE jumped in and Merry sat amused in front of the luggage. He watched for some time but like all good things, it had to end, and it did. Everyone except Merry & Aragorn had some sort of wound by the time it ended, well, Aragorn did have a major handicap. Right before they set off for Caradhras Pippin noticed something was missing. "Er, Merry, you dumb-ass, did you let Bill go?"
(A/N: Okay, the end to another chapter, hope you liked it. Ever notice that I always put that? Well, it's true. So, until next time.)