( A/N: Hitler gets taken by Sauron, Sam is sad, Pippin asks about Bill, my
short and stupid summary of last chapter. All of my chapter names seem to
correspond, like the journey begins and the fun begins, then there's the
"sort of" on the end of the fun begins and there is a "sort of" on the end
of Sam finds happiness. I'm truly confusing. Deeply sorry. Anyway, please
read and review! It's pointless to put that, no one will! )
"Uh, er, no, not exactly." He muttered. "What the hell do you mean, 'not exactly?'" "Well, I sorta, sheesh, is it hot out here or just me?" He asked timidly. "Oh, just you baby." Replied Aragorn. "MERRY! WHERE IS BILL!?!?" Boomed Gandalf. "I shot him! Okay? Gosh, with Legolas' bow." He said. Everyone stared blankly at Merry. "You ate Bill?" Sam managed to mutter. "He was scary, he, he, tried to kill me! What the hell was I supposed to do?" He asked. "You ate Bill?" Sam forced himself to mutter. "Yes, Sam, I ate your god-damned precious Bill. Chill okay?" "You ate Bill?" Sam said before passing out. While Sam was unable to make human contact he thought on one thing. Bill. He thought back to Rivendell when Bill was always there for him. My Bill. He soon woke up to the smell of food. Food, yum!!! He sat up and saw the whole Fellowship chowing down on Spam and Pork Rhines. His eyes were red and he thought about Bill. "Oh get over it Sam!" He thought. The whole fellowship except for Aragorn, Merry & Pippin. "Morning!" Said Legolas brightly. "Ready to eat?" "Where are the others?" Sam asked. "Off in the woods doing something." Said Gimli. Merry, Aragorn and Pippin sat in a small circle, huddled together.
Merry, Aragorn and Pippin sat in a small circle, huddled together. To anyone looking in from the outside it would have merely looked like three people gathered around a fire, a smoking fire, perhaps listening to tales, but however, this was not the case. "Argy, pass the pot!" Said Pippin drowsily. "Here Piper, whoah!" Said Aragorn as he slumped sideways. "Know what? I'm pretty when your drunk." Said Merry. "Merry, you dumb-ass, we're not drunk." Pippin pointed out. "Shhh, I think Hilary Clinton and Bill are fighting." "Really?" "Yeah, heh heh!" "I'm so high! I think I can reach the sky, hey! I rhymed!" "Merry you dumb-ass! High and sky do not rhyme!" Said "Hey Legolas, come get high with us!" Yelled Merry as the rest of the fellowship came trotting through the trees. "Well, as long as it's aight with Gandy." He said. "Well, we're right at the foot of Caradhras, I guess its okay as long as we set off before tomorrow." Gandalf said. The remains of the group walked over to the three potheads and sat down. "Here, Leggy, take the blunt, it's that good shit, the ya know, spawn of Satan shit. Straight from Mordor." Said Aragorn. Legolas took a long deep suck. "Oh, that's some good shit." He said.
"Here, try some Sam, god knows you could use it." Said Gandalf as Legolas handed him the joint. "I, I, erm, can't." He said. "Of course you can! What, are you afraid yer old Gaffer'll come down and condemn you to hell or some shit?" Said Frodo. "No, physically I can't. I got asthma, can't inhale smoke or I'll die." Sam said simply. "Oh Sam, did Elrond tell you that? He just said that asthmatics can't smoke so that you wouldn't steal his stash. But his efforts weren't effective anyway because Pippin already nipped it before we left." Said Frodo. "Okay, maybe I'll try a little." Said Sam. "Good." Said Gandalf surrendering the weed filled pipe. Two hours later the fellowship lie coughing and laughing in a heap of tangled bodies. "Aha! Merry! Look, your hair is sticking up." Everyone glanced at Merry and burst out laughing again. Sam had smoked more than anyone that night despite his vow to only try a little. Sam was laughing so hard that he began to cough. And cough. And cough. And cough. Everyone gazed lazily at him while he tried to regain oxygen. It wasn't very easy as he was higher than the sun at noon and he was STILL laughing.
Merry suddenly screamed out "Oh my God, SAM IS GONNA DIE!" The fellowship sat quietly staring wide eyed at Sam. Merry started laughing, which triggered Gandalf, and Pippin, and Gimli, and Legolas, and Boromir and so on, so forth. Sam suddenly gasped a breath and he fell down, exhausted. "He's dead, hahaha!" Screamed Pippin laughing. Everyone was laughing. Including Sam as he got up. "I'm not dead dumb-ass, wait, you're not Merry, what the fuck ever, I was just coughing for fucks sake." He pointed out. "THE GHOST OF SAM WALKS!" Yelled Boromir and everyone exploded with laughter. "Hey, you guys, we got anymore magic herb?" Sam asked. "Naw, but I got something that you can mix with it, and it'll make you feel so wasted, It's about as good as what we're doing now, mix this crazy shit with some alcohol and we could get major-" Said Gimli before he was interrupted. "Dead?" Asked Pippin. "Naw, it's healthy." He said pulling out a bag of powder. "Hey, Pippin, isn't that what you used to make our cake with?" "Yeah, I thought it was flour." Said Pippin with a goofy grin. Everyone laughed, again.
"Okay you guys, this stuff comes specially imported from the mines of Moria, its called Mithril powder. I believe the elves call it 'fairy dust?'" Said Gimli. "Nah, that's different shit, way wicked, and besides, it's 'Elf dust,' get it straight Gim. I think what you have is called, cocaine." Said Legolas laughing, like everyone else. "I thought there was something funny about that cake. And considering I kept sniffing it, thinking it smelled so good, that's probably why I got so high that one time, and to think I kept going on about someone drugging the Crisco tub." Said Merry bringing up the cake again. "So! Who wants to try some?" Said Gimli pulling out a plate and a McDonald's straw. "ME! OH! PICK ME!" Yelled Pippin. "Alrighty son, be my guest." Pippin grabbed the straw and stuck it up his nose. He dumped the powder on the plate and began to snort. "Wow! This shit is really weird, my nose feels like I just stuck a fucking pencil up it, it burns." Pippin complained. "Oh shut up ya big baby," Said Gandalf snatching the drug. The cocaine made it fully around the circle. Twice, three times, four times, five, wait no, not five. Pippin accidentally started laughing while the straw pointed to the powder.
It blew everywhere. "It's snowing." Said Boromir laughing. He seemed to be the only one capable of speech. Finally Gimli mustered up his strength and muttered "maybe the third time around the circle was enough." "Yeah man, I'm as high as I was when I first saw Argy." Said Merry. "Thank-ya babe. You get me high too." Said Aragorn. "I don't think we'll be heading for Caradhras today." Droned Gandalf. "Who the hell am I? And why is my mommy fucking Elrond?" Asked Frodo stupidly. Everyone used their last remaining strength to laugh hard as hell. Sam pulled himself up and slumped back down. He repeated this several times until he finally managed to get his shirt stuck to a log, which held him in place. "What do we do now?" "Well, I suggest we sleep, considering we just got so high we could reach farther than frickin Neil Armstrong." "Who?" Asked Merry. "The first man on middle- earth dumb-ass." Said Gandalf. "Oh, right." Said Merry tiredly. They all managed to get a good sleep except for Aragorn, who had neck and hunger pains that hurt like hell. He slowly crawled back to his tent and rolled himself in. He grabbed all of the provisions in each tent, though it took him a very long time as he couldn't walk.
Once he had retrieved the food the greedy ass went and ate every last bite. He even chewed up Gandalf's staff, "who knew wood tasted so good?" He thought to himself. But what he did next was the low of all lows, he crawled into the woods and began digging up the rest of poor Bill, he followed Merry one night and found out where he was hiding him. Merry was slick, but not slick enough, traveling with the company then sneaking all the way back to the previous days spot to retrieve Bill then burying him near the new campsite. Aragorn ate Bill greedily after waiting hungrily for him to cook. Aragorn's intentions were good, he tried to save one tub of Crisco for the rest of the Fellowship but hunger overtook kindness and he devoured it. Aragorn rolled himself all the way back to the wasted fellowship and slept peacefully in Merry's arms. The whole crew woke at around noon (A/N: Not shire time here, just regular) and they all sleepily and hungrily got up. Aragorn was satisfied though naturally, after eating over half a horse and all of the Rivendell food, AND everything else that they gathered along the way. Everyone cheerily ponced into camp to retrieve some food but stopped in their tracks.
"What the?" Legolas said nearly fainting. "I'll fucking go insane if I can't get some food into my tummy!" He said. "But there is none left," said Boromir frowning as he came out of the tent. Looks like I'll just be eating dick for the next couple o' days Legolas, same with you!" "But Borm, it's not the same, you can't actually EAT dick, you just suck it." Everyone stood back not listening to Legolas and Boromir. "W-w-well, we'll j-j-j- just hafta m-make our w-w-way without any-anything for a b-b- it." Said Gandalf shaking from hunger. He walked slowly into his tent to pack up and screamed. "OH FUCK NO, OH FUCK NO! STUPID BITCH! OH FUCKING ELBERETH! WHERE THE FUCK IS MY STAFF! THEY FUCKING TOOK MY STAFF!" Gandalf yelled loudly. He began to wail and Frodo screamed over the noise, "For fucks sake Gandy, we just got so high yesterday that we couldn't talk without laughing, now our heads hurt, please don't Elbereth damned add to it!" Gandalf came out red-eyed, (though normally when you smoke weed you tend to be,) or, more red-eyed than before. "Sorry Frodo, well, let's head out crew."
Everyone grumpily packed up and walked away from the last campsite. Legolas however had to run back to retrieve something they'd dropped and when he caught up with the fellowship he was laughing. "We must have been really, really high last night. The moment I walked back into camp a cloud of our pot smoke surrounded me and bout made me high, again. It's really thick too, I heard the trees all groaning and shit, think we did them a favor, they probably haven't been high since the first age." He said. Everyone laughed, imitating the previous night's behavior. "I wonder who really ate everything." Said Aragorn discreetly. "Yeah, I mean, it was probably an Orc, or a wolf, or a," Merry continued on for a while until Pippin kicked him. He stopped sharply and whined "Gandalf! Pippin's kicking me!" "Repeat! Repeat!" Said Boromir. "Pippin, stop it!" Said Gandalf. "Fiiine." Pippin said rolling his eyes. "Oh Elbereth that's freaky, they did the EXACT same thing like a couple of days ago." Said Boromir. Merry pushed Pippin who then fell down a hill. "I'll be Elbereth damned, there's a shit-load of food down here!" Yelled Pippin. Boromir peered over the cliff and sure enough, they were saved.
(A/N: Well, I'm done with this. See I write ten fourteen lined paragraphs (that's the length on Microsoft word at least) and that's how long every one of these chapters will be. I just think it's better to keep organized. I don't just write to write, I write when I feel an inspiration, or when a computers near. Okay, I'm a freak. Tomorrows my birthday! YAY! MONEY! Well, good-bye, I'm off to eat some hamburgers, very hungry for food in my tummy!)
"Uh, er, no, not exactly." He muttered. "What the hell do you mean, 'not exactly?'" "Well, I sorta, sheesh, is it hot out here or just me?" He asked timidly. "Oh, just you baby." Replied Aragorn. "MERRY! WHERE IS BILL!?!?" Boomed Gandalf. "I shot him! Okay? Gosh, with Legolas' bow." He said. Everyone stared blankly at Merry. "You ate Bill?" Sam managed to mutter. "He was scary, he, he, tried to kill me! What the hell was I supposed to do?" He asked. "You ate Bill?" Sam forced himself to mutter. "Yes, Sam, I ate your god-damned precious Bill. Chill okay?" "You ate Bill?" Sam said before passing out. While Sam was unable to make human contact he thought on one thing. Bill. He thought back to Rivendell when Bill was always there for him. My Bill. He soon woke up to the smell of food. Food, yum!!! He sat up and saw the whole Fellowship chowing down on Spam and Pork Rhines. His eyes were red and he thought about Bill. "Oh get over it Sam!" He thought. The whole fellowship except for Aragorn, Merry & Pippin. "Morning!" Said Legolas brightly. "Ready to eat?" "Where are the others?" Sam asked. "Off in the woods doing something." Said Gimli. Merry, Aragorn and Pippin sat in a small circle, huddled together.
Merry, Aragorn and Pippin sat in a small circle, huddled together. To anyone looking in from the outside it would have merely looked like three people gathered around a fire, a smoking fire, perhaps listening to tales, but however, this was not the case. "Argy, pass the pot!" Said Pippin drowsily. "Here Piper, whoah!" Said Aragorn as he slumped sideways. "Know what? I'm pretty when your drunk." Said Merry. "Merry, you dumb-ass, we're not drunk." Pippin pointed out. "Shhh, I think Hilary Clinton and Bill are fighting." "Really?" "Yeah, heh heh!" "I'm so high! I think I can reach the sky, hey! I rhymed!" "Merry you dumb-ass! High and sky do not rhyme!" Said "Hey Legolas, come get high with us!" Yelled Merry as the rest of the fellowship came trotting through the trees. "Well, as long as it's aight with Gandy." He said. "Well, we're right at the foot of Caradhras, I guess its okay as long as we set off before tomorrow." Gandalf said. The remains of the group walked over to the three potheads and sat down. "Here, Leggy, take the blunt, it's that good shit, the ya know, spawn of Satan shit. Straight from Mordor." Said Aragorn. Legolas took a long deep suck. "Oh, that's some good shit." He said.
"Here, try some Sam, god knows you could use it." Said Gandalf as Legolas handed him the joint. "I, I, erm, can't." He said. "Of course you can! What, are you afraid yer old Gaffer'll come down and condemn you to hell or some shit?" Said Frodo. "No, physically I can't. I got asthma, can't inhale smoke or I'll die." Sam said simply. "Oh Sam, did Elrond tell you that? He just said that asthmatics can't smoke so that you wouldn't steal his stash. But his efforts weren't effective anyway because Pippin already nipped it before we left." Said Frodo. "Okay, maybe I'll try a little." Said Sam. "Good." Said Gandalf surrendering the weed filled pipe. Two hours later the fellowship lie coughing and laughing in a heap of tangled bodies. "Aha! Merry! Look, your hair is sticking up." Everyone glanced at Merry and burst out laughing again. Sam had smoked more than anyone that night despite his vow to only try a little. Sam was laughing so hard that he began to cough. And cough. And cough. And cough. Everyone gazed lazily at him while he tried to regain oxygen. It wasn't very easy as he was higher than the sun at noon and he was STILL laughing.
Merry suddenly screamed out "Oh my God, SAM IS GONNA DIE!" The fellowship sat quietly staring wide eyed at Sam. Merry started laughing, which triggered Gandalf, and Pippin, and Gimli, and Legolas, and Boromir and so on, so forth. Sam suddenly gasped a breath and he fell down, exhausted. "He's dead, hahaha!" Screamed Pippin laughing. Everyone was laughing. Including Sam as he got up. "I'm not dead dumb-ass, wait, you're not Merry, what the fuck ever, I was just coughing for fucks sake." He pointed out. "THE GHOST OF SAM WALKS!" Yelled Boromir and everyone exploded with laughter. "Hey, you guys, we got anymore magic herb?" Sam asked. "Naw, but I got something that you can mix with it, and it'll make you feel so wasted, It's about as good as what we're doing now, mix this crazy shit with some alcohol and we could get major-" Said Gimli before he was interrupted. "Dead?" Asked Pippin. "Naw, it's healthy." He said pulling out a bag of powder. "Hey, Pippin, isn't that what you used to make our cake with?" "Yeah, I thought it was flour." Said Pippin with a goofy grin. Everyone laughed, again.
"Okay you guys, this stuff comes specially imported from the mines of Moria, its called Mithril powder. I believe the elves call it 'fairy dust?'" Said Gimli. "Nah, that's different shit, way wicked, and besides, it's 'Elf dust,' get it straight Gim. I think what you have is called, cocaine." Said Legolas laughing, like everyone else. "I thought there was something funny about that cake. And considering I kept sniffing it, thinking it smelled so good, that's probably why I got so high that one time, and to think I kept going on about someone drugging the Crisco tub." Said Merry bringing up the cake again. "So! Who wants to try some?" Said Gimli pulling out a plate and a McDonald's straw. "ME! OH! PICK ME!" Yelled Pippin. "Alrighty son, be my guest." Pippin grabbed the straw and stuck it up his nose. He dumped the powder on the plate and began to snort. "Wow! This shit is really weird, my nose feels like I just stuck a fucking pencil up it, it burns." Pippin complained. "Oh shut up ya big baby," Said Gandalf snatching the drug. The cocaine made it fully around the circle. Twice, three times, four times, five, wait no, not five. Pippin accidentally started laughing while the straw pointed to the powder.
It blew everywhere. "It's snowing." Said Boromir laughing. He seemed to be the only one capable of speech. Finally Gimli mustered up his strength and muttered "maybe the third time around the circle was enough." "Yeah man, I'm as high as I was when I first saw Argy." Said Merry. "Thank-ya babe. You get me high too." Said Aragorn. "I don't think we'll be heading for Caradhras today." Droned Gandalf. "Who the hell am I? And why is my mommy fucking Elrond?" Asked Frodo stupidly. Everyone used their last remaining strength to laugh hard as hell. Sam pulled himself up and slumped back down. He repeated this several times until he finally managed to get his shirt stuck to a log, which held him in place. "What do we do now?" "Well, I suggest we sleep, considering we just got so high we could reach farther than frickin Neil Armstrong." "Who?" Asked Merry. "The first man on middle- earth dumb-ass." Said Gandalf. "Oh, right." Said Merry tiredly. They all managed to get a good sleep except for Aragorn, who had neck and hunger pains that hurt like hell. He slowly crawled back to his tent and rolled himself in. He grabbed all of the provisions in each tent, though it took him a very long time as he couldn't walk.
Once he had retrieved the food the greedy ass went and ate every last bite. He even chewed up Gandalf's staff, "who knew wood tasted so good?" He thought to himself. But what he did next was the low of all lows, he crawled into the woods and began digging up the rest of poor Bill, he followed Merry one night and found out where he was hiding him. Merry was slick, but not slick enough, traveling with the company then sneaking all the way back to the previous days spot to retrieve Bill then burying him near the new campsite. Aragorn ate Bill greedily after waiting hungrily for him to cook. Aragorn's intentions were good, he tried to save one tub of Crisco for the rest of the Fellowship but hunger overtook kindness and he devoured it. Aragorn rolled himself all the way back to the wasted fellowship and slept peacefully in Merry's arms. The whole crew woke at around noon (A/N: Not shire time here, just regular) and they all sleepily and hungrily got up. Aragorn was satisfied though naturally, after eating over half a horse and all of the Rivendell food, AND everything else that they gathered along the way. Everyone cheerily ponced into camp to retrieve some food but stopped in their tracks.
"What the?" Legolas said nearly fainting. "I'll fucking go insane if I can't get some food into my tummy!" He said. "But there is none left," said Boromir frowning as he came out of the tent. Looks like I'll just be eating dick for the next couple o' days Legolas, same with you!" "But Borm, it's not the same, you can't actually EAT dick, you just suck it." Everyone stood back not listening to Legolas and Boromir. "W-w-well, we'll j-j-j- just hafta m-make our w-w-way without any-anything for a b-b- it." Said Gandalf shaking from hunger. He walked slowly into his tent to pack up and screamed. "OH FUCK NO, OH FUCK NO! STUPID BITCH! OH FUCKING ELBERETH! WHERE THE FUCK IS MY STAFF! THEY FUCKING TOOK MY STAFF!" Gandalf yelled loudly. He began to wail and Frodo screamed over the noise, "For fucks sake Gandy, we just got so high yesterday that we couldn't talk without laughing, now our heads hurt, please don't Elbereth damned add to it!" Gandalf came out red-eyed, (though normally when you smoke weed you tend to be,) or, more red-eyed than before. "Sorry Frodo, well, let's head out crew."
Everyone grumpily packed up and walked away from the last campsite. Legolas however had to run back to retrieve something they'd dropped and when he caught up with the fellowship he was laughing. "We must have been really, really high last night. The moment I walked back into camp a cloud of our pot smoke surrounded me and bout made me high, again. It's really thick too, I heard the trees all groaning and shit, think we did them a favor, they probably haven't been high since the first age." He said. Everyone laughed, imitating the previous night's behavior. "I wonder who really ate everything." Said Aragorn discreetly. "Yeah, I mean, it was probably an Orc, or a wolf, or a," Merry continued on for a while until Pippin kicked him. He stopped sharply and whined "Gandalf! Pippin's kicking me!" "Repeat! Repeat!" Said Boromir. "Pippin, stop it!" Said Gandalf. "Fiiine." Pippin said rolling his eyes. "Oh Elbereth that's freaky, they did the EXACT same thing like a couple of days ago." Said Boromir. Merry pushed Pippin who then fell down a hill. "I'll be Elbereth damned, there's a shit-load of food down here!" Yelled Pippin. Boromir peered over the cliff and sure enough, they were saved.
(A/N: Well, I'm done with this. See I write ten fourteen lined paragraphs (that's the length on Microsoft word at least) and that's how long every one of these chapters will be. I just think it's better to keep organized. I don't just write to write, I write when I feel an inspiration, or when a computers near. Okay, I'm a freak. Tomorrows my birthday! YAY! MONEY! Well, good-bye, I'm off to eat some hamburgers, very hungry for food in my tummy!)