Eternal Kiss

Rating: Mature

Warnings: It's about a vampire. Not much more than the usual that goes with that.

AN: Yes, this used to be the first chapter of a series. I have at this point discontinued the series as I just can't seem to find a muse for it. And anyway, the first chapter didn't really match the tone of the rest, so it makes sense to separate them. The discontinued parts will shortly be on my Ygroup for anyone interested, but that's about it. If someone thinks they'd like to try to do something with the series, hey, let me know. Oh, yeah, this was revised on January 29, 2008.

You think I'm the fool, but I'm not. You think I'm too careless, but I'm not. You think there's nothing more to me than a mouth, a jokester; you're wrong.

What I am...what I am is helpless before the bright shining light which burns within you, so afraid to taint you that I dare not approach, dare not think of what you could be, of the salvation you may represent. God have mercy on me – though he hath forsaken me, of that I am sure. He forsakes all at the first bittersweet drop of the elixir, the lifeblood.

And you… Too much for me to handle. If only you knew...

I know you better than you know yourself, then perhaps I know even me. I hear your heart beat faster when your eyes stray too long my way; I feel the hitch in your breath as if I had pressed my cool, pale hand to your bare chest. I see the fear seize you for just a few quick seconds before a mission, stretching your body taut and stealing your breath. And then it releases you, and your fear has become the detachment of the trained assassin. And the trained assassin deserts you in the heat of battle and the primal urges of man show through, the lust for killing. And in that moment I want you.

But I see you after the battle, watching you, hearing you, feeling you, tasting you from across the room. I see after the fight, after the fear, after the detachment, after the lust, as your adrenaline slows, the blood thundering in your veins returns to a gentle whisper… like a ghost, fleeting, but for an instant all consuming, heavy and thick, there is your disgust, disgust for death, for killing, for missions, for war, for yourself. And then there is despair, there is heartache, for everything you've done, everything you do, everything that must go on… I feel your anguish as surely as if it were mine. And in that moment I love you.

Then you bury yourself in a world where nothing can reach you, where everything falls in its proper place and you have full control, where you're truly the strongest and the quickest. A world where, most importantly, the death is nothing but words. There are no images, no life fled corpses, no rotting bodies, no blood and gore and pain, no screams of the dying and wounded, no tears, no feeling, no emotions.

I see you hunched over that laptop as if it were your lifeline, sometimes but not all times. Other times you're working on your gundam, finding solace, understanding and peace in, ironically, your tool of destruction. But it makes sense, there's the control, the understanding, you can make everything right with the world because you are in complete control of your weapon. You understand every nuance of it, how it works, why it stops, what makes it run, what makes it run better.

I see all of this, and then I see you reflect, saddened, that this machine is nothing like you. You don't know what makes you run, you don't know what would make you work better, you don't know what would make you cold and empty like the machine you try to be.

I want to take you in my arms then, when I see that. I want to take you in my arms and hold you tightly, press light kisses to your brow, your flushed cheeks, against your lips. I want to press kisses until I taste you in my mouth, until I feel you respond to my hungry want. I want to press kisses until my lips travel down, my tongue touches your throat, and there I'll pause and tell myself I won't do this, even as my teeth press to your skin, against your skin, into your skin. I'll hear your skin give way beneath my sharp teeth and I'll find a smile on my lips.

You'll make a soft sound at the touch, perhaps a low moan, and I'll be lapping at your throat, tasting the hot, sweet blood that gives you your life and is now giving me mine. And that moment will be perfect. Soon you'll probably begin to struggle, as the horror of my action dawns on you, the instinctual, primal beast inside of you screams for survival.

I'll be forced to tighten my arms around your thin body, to show you that despite all your strength, the fool has bested you. And once I do that, once I hold you like that, once I've tasted that blood on my lips, on my tongue, felt it burn down my throat… I can't know if I could turn back, or if that first sip of blood will lead to the last, if your last shuddering breath will be no less fearful than the first.

So I sit and watch you, never touching, content to see you breathe and live and be.

I tell Shinigami to wait. I steal you from him in the heat of battle and keep you from desiring him in the chill of living after. And soon I'll take you in my arms; soon you'll know my kiss. And when I do, perhaps you'll even desire it, you'll be at that edge, living death and fighting life, you'll want this kiss again and again, want the kiss of a true killer, of a wraith that brings death for that sweet taste of life. And Shinigami will know you only when I allow.

Or maybe I'll cheat Shinigami. Maybe I'll deliver you to his waiting arms, only to bring you back again into mine, mine forever, denying him eternity with you. The fool will have the last laugh then.

And until then… when your eyes fall on me, empty, and your body tells me the emptiness in your eyes is a lie, and when your mouth judges me and you seek your comfort in condemning the spark of life you think you see in me… I'll know my secret is safe. I know it's not quite time. I'll know you see no death in my eyes, you see no end, you see no beginning…

I'll put on my mask for you, I'll smile for you, I'll make you angry, I'll make you sigh, I'll make you frustrated and impatient. All for you. And I'll be careful, I'll wait, I'll bide my time. After all, I'm a creature of many centuries; I can wait several more decades before you feel my eternal kiss...