Wednesday, September 3rd
2.30am
Wha'? Oh, God, it's that owl again! Why can't it have an alarm clock fitted in? 'Do not wake before 6.30am. PLEASE BE PUNCTUAL!' I swaer, if it wakes me up at 2.00am again then I'll wring it's scrawny neck and ask Uncle Rem to send me a goldfish. Rip Van R's reply was attached to Shadow's leg.
'Justice,
Well, Gryffindor isn't so bad. I was in Gryffindor myself. You'll probably think up some sarcastic comment here. Anyway. Professor Snape, did you say? If you find out his fist name, send it by return owl. I know it's a full moon. There is no need to rub the subject in. Remus'
Hmm. I think I touched a nerve there. Maybe I shouldn't have pointed out about the full moon. After all, Rip Van R has been memorising the Lunar Chart since he was about five.
3.00am
Sleep...
7.00am
ARGH! ARGH! IT'S COMING THROUGH THE CEILING! Oh, no, sorry. That was just this really strange dream about... well, you don't want to know what it was about.
I woke Jan but left the other three. Hell, it would be funny if Baby B was late. She's insufferable. Never late for anything, that girl.
"I haf been vorking on a letter to mein Parents. Vould you like to see it?" Jan asked me. I nodded and she handed me a piece of paper with writing on it.
'Hall meinen Vater!
Ich bin ins Gryffindor gegangen. Meine neue Lieblingsfreunde heißt Justice Katz. Ich habe gut Gesundheit. Ich habe eine neue Eule heißt Rauch. Ich hoffe du hast gut Gesundheit. Auf Wedersehen, Jan LuSape'
I stared at her.
"Vell? Is it ok?" She asked impatiently.
"I'm sure it is. I could double check, but I CAN'T BLOODY READ IT!" I yelled.
I think I might be hysterical.
7.30am
Joined with Pothead and RonEEEEEEE in the main hall. I showed them Jan's letter and they stared blankly. Jan's going to start teaching me German. Yippee. I can hardly wait. Today's timetable is not much better than yesterday's. Double History of Magic (god that sounds boring) followed by another double dose of Transfiguration.
7.31am
I was in the middle of eating my Rice Krispies (!) when Dumbledore stood up to make the announcement of the day.
"School," he began. "Due to unfortunate circumstances, Professor McGonagall is not able to teach today. Her lessons will be covered by various other members of staff depending on their timetables."
Good. I hope I gave her my anaemia, even though anaemia isn't contagious.
8.00am
Jan and I are singing. No, I mean serious singing. As in 'I've had too much coffee but I only had eleven cups' singing.
"The sun aint gonna shine anymore," I sang. Great song. Alan Rickman sings it in Truly Madly Deeply. He has a great voice. "The moon aint gonna rise in the sky-y. The tears are always cloudin' your ey-eyes! WHEN YOU'RE WITHOUT LOVE! Bay-bee"
"Charlie had a pigeon, a pigeon, a pigeon. Charlie had a pigeon, a pigeon he had. He flew it by day and he flew it by night, and when it came back it was covered in SHITE!" Ron sang out of tune.
"Mary had a little lamb, she also had a duck/ She took it round a corner to teach it how to/ Fry some eggs for breakfast, fry some eggs for tea/ The more you eat, the more you drink, the more you want to/ Peter had a boat, the boat began to rock/ Up jumped Jaws and bit off his/ Cocktails, ginger ale, forty cents a glass/ If you don't like them then shove 'em up your/ Ask no questions, tell no lies/ I saw the bogey-man doing up his/ Flies are bad, mosquitoes are worse/ And that is the end of my silly little verse." Harry Pothead chanted. I never knew he had it in him.
"Meinen Vater ist ein Kartoffelnkopf, ein Kartoffelnkopf er ist." Jan sang. I got a grip.
"Ok. Shut up now. We're - sorry, I'M - getting some funny looks from the staff table" I hissed.
9.00am
Joy, joy, double joy. History of Magic. Wham Bam Thank you Jan for pushing me down the stairs.
I was sitting innocently in the History of Magic classroom, and this ghost glided through the wall!
"I am Professor Binns" He told us, before diving into some incredibly useless information about a goblin called Thorg the Dead-Who-Had-No-Name- What-Shouldn't-Exist-And-Has-No-Consideration-Because-We-Have-To-Learn- About-His-Arse-At-School-Jingy-Whatto or something like that. Who cares? He's dead, anyway.
10.00am
Think...going to...sleep...
11.00am
"Miss Karp, could you answer that question for us please?" Throw-Me-In- These-Rubber-Binns asked. I jerked awake.
"Miss Katz, sir. And no, I can't." I said among sniggers, being honest, logic and normal. It nearly got me a detention. I am never taking Mum's advice again! She was the one who told me to be honest and logic! I thought being normal would help. Fine! I will never listen to mum again! EVA!
12.00pm
Decided that, as suspected, History of Magic is a load of shite. I made my way down to the lunch hall when Jan ran into me and said something that nearly gave me a heart attack.
"Professor Qvirrell is covering for our Transfiguration lesson. Professor McGonagall is no here, so Professor Qvirrell has agreed to take our lessons for us. Das ist cool, ja?"
Oh Jan, Jan, ma petite, you don't know HOW COOL that is! He is so cut! He is even cuter than Alan Rickman (matter of opinion. Those of you who think AR is a poof, get lost *points at exit*)
"M-move along now, g-g-girls." A nervous, jumpy voice stuttered from behind us. I turned round and nearly had another heart attack. LORD OF THE TURBANS! I WORSHIP YOU! I AM UNWORTHY!
"Ach! I am being fery sorry, mein Proff." Ihre seid Professor Qvirrell, ja?" Jan asked. Prof. Quirrell frowned, trying to work out what she said.
"Don't worry, Professor." I said winningly. "I have that trouble sometimes."
He looked at me, smiled nervously, twitched and then walked off, massaging his temple. Well, what the hell? Oh, crap, I have another zit, don't I?
"Jan. Do I have a spot on my face?" I asked, grabbing her. She shook her head.
"Nein, meine Lieblingsfreunde. Your skin is fery gut, ja?"
Bliss. No spots. Crap. No Quirrell.
1.00pm
Foule for lunch. Foule is this kind of Egyptian mash made out of something, something else and lentils. That's the thing you can always trust about the Egyptians. Everything they make always has lentils in it. Or mango. But mango and something that looks suspiciously like merde don't go very well.
"Five points from Gryffindor, Katz, for falling asleep in Professor Binns' lessons." Professor Snape said from somewhere behind me. I jumped and turned round. WHERE THE HELL DID HE COME FROM! HOW THE HELL DOES HE KNOW ABOUT THAT??? WHY THE HELL DOES HE STALK ME? I'm scared now.
"Huh-? Wha-?" I began. He smirked evilly.
"Wow. Don't we make a lot of sense?" He asked with a kind of twisted sneer on his face. I wondered how much effort it took him to actually smile.
"Loneliness," I sang "Is the cloak you wear. Baybee, baybee. A deep shade of bluuee/ is always theerre... THE SUN AINT GONNA SHINE ANYMORE! THE MOON AINT GONNA RISE IN THE SKY-Y! THE TEARS ARE ALWAYS CLOUDIN' YOUR EY-EYES! WHEN YOU'RE WITHOUT LOVE! Baaaybeee!"
Snape blinked and walked off, gingerly rubbing his ear where I had yelled down it. Harry Pothead and RonEEEEEEEE were looking at me in awe. Jan was just looking at me in pity. Why is the song stuck in my head? I haven't burned anything today!
"Vell, at least it is not being Greensleefes, ja?" Jan pointed out.
"Wow! You put one against Snape!" Ron said in wonder. I smiled modestly.
"No, I just have that song stuck in my head. By the Walker Brothers. Now sung by Alan Rickman, the cute Sheriff of Nottingham, in Truly Madly Deeply."
By the look on his face, I can tell he doesn't follow anymore. I sighed and gave up.
2.00pm
YESSSS!!! Ha! Double ha! Double ha and :P! Double ha with a hyphen and :D :D :D ! Transfiguration! WITH QUIRRELL!
"Ach!" Jan said. "He is... how you say? Qvite cute, nein?"
"Nein Sheiße!" I replied, and we both fell about giggling. It's funny. He reminds me so much of Ian Hart.
"R-right." He said as he walked in twitching. He didn't notice that two girls on the front row were paying rapt attention, though maybe one was drooling more than the other. Ahem. Well, the desk got a good wash!
"I am c-covering for P-professor McGonagall, who c-cannot make it b-b- because of inconvenient c-circumstances."
"The sun aint gonna shine anymore/ the moon aint gonna rise in the sky!" I whispered to Jan. We both fell about laughing and had to get a drink of water to stop choking.
3.00pm
We have to copy up a load of Transfiguration theory while McG's not here. That means the next load of Transfig. Lessons are gonna be actually Transfiguring.
'Boggarts, Animagi, Werewolves and certain other mythical animals can transubstantiate. They are the only living things that may do so, and without the help of complex spells or a werewolf bite, humans cannot transubstantiate. Transubstantiating species may form a symbiosis if situations are diffifcult or inconvenient.' The textbook read. Ok, I was never great at English. Transubstantiate and symbiosis I don't know.
I stuck my hand up in the air.
"Sir! Can you please explain about transubstantiating species and symbiotic bonds?" I asked, waving my hand around like a lunatic. I swear all the blood drained from his face and he started twitching more.
"T-t-transubstantiating is m-moving f-f-from on f-form t-to a-a-another, m- much like a w-w-werewolf or b-b-boggart." He explained.
"And a symbiosis?" I persisted. I promise he choked.
"S-s-symbiosis?" He swallowed, "That's w-where one sp-species f-f-forms a b- bond with a-a-another. The one c-can't l-l-live without th-the other, and v- vice - v-v-versa." He smiled nervously. "Anymore q-questions?"
"No thanks, sir, I understand now." Lies. I didn't actually understand why he had gone pale and shaky when I'd asked. Ah, well. There's a lot of things I don't understand.
4.00pm
Most of us have finished copying and are now making paper animals out of spare parchment. Look, it's a penguin!
"Ach! Mine seal ist better than dein pengvin!" Jan whispered. I half- squashed the seal.
"Not anymore." I whispered back. She slapped me playfully. At least, I hope it was playfully...
5.00pm
WAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! The Turbanator hs left the building. Well, he's left me alone. Now whenever he looks at me he puts on a funny face. I haven't done anything wrong...yet. Well, anyway, Jan and I went up to our dorm to discuss the SSS (Sadistic Shampoo Seducer - no prizes for guessing who) and CTTG (Cute Twitchy Turban Guy 0 again, this should be pretty obvious)
"So, Jan, what do you think of the SSS?"
"Ach, no! I don't know him das vell; ve haf not had him to teach us yet, nein?"
"Well, I haven't had him to teach yet and he is uber-creepy." I said, as though talking about a vampire.
"Ja. He is das Uberlord von der Unterhosen." Jan said, and we both fell about laughing.
"No, that's Satan." I said, wagging a finger at her. We fell into hysterics again. What fun.
5.05pm
"What about the CTTG?" I asked seriously (hell yeah)
"Ach! He ist sehr cute, nein?" Jan asked, giggling.
"Really!" I agreed. "He kept looking at me strangely."
"Ja? Vell, that vill probably be because of your fery funny singing this morning, nein?"
"Hahahahahahaha...oh, you're being serious."
7.00pm
Am playing strip poker with Jan, Pothead and RonEEEEEEEEEEE. Unfortunately we've had so much caffeine-concentrated drinks that we've forgotten how to play properly.
"You just lost that round!" RonEEEEEEE said, knocking the cards out of my hand. "You have to take your shoe off!"
"Damn you, you little Sheißehead!" I yelled at him. "Arseschlecker! Bite my shiny metal arse!" I ran out of the hall with the Weasley clan following hot on my heels. Mummy, I swear, if I get out of this alive, then I will never question your logic again.
7.30pm
Am at dinner being spoon-fed by the Weasleys. They've tied my hands to my chair. Oh, thank God, Jan's taking over. At least I can trust her not to try and ram the spoon into my stomach via my throat.
"Are you ok?" She whispered, RonEEEEE, Gred (?) and Forge (ACK! UT'S CONTAGIOUS! GET IT AWAY FROM ME!) watching suspiciously.
"Yeah. Wonder what das Uberfamily von der Unterhosen are going to do to me?"
"Open vide, train's coming, ja?"
Good grief. Am thinking of becoming a Catholic
8.00pm
At ten tonight is Astronomy. They have it every other Wednesday at ten, so it wasn't on the timetable. Meanwhile, Fed and George Weasley have tied me to a chair and are force-feeding me powdered caffeine (I'm sure that stuff's illegal)
"Isn't this illegal?" I asked them in between having drugs rammed down my throat.
"Oh yeah" said one
"Do we care?" Said the other
"Not really!" Laughed both.
Please, almighty Catholic God, if you are up there then stop these homicidal maniacs from choking me with illegal stimulation powders.
8.30pm
WAAAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! For some reason, Fred and Thing seem to think it's funny that I'm running around on a serious caffeine high scaring people and basically acting like an ancient Pagan person, calling for sacrifices to Artemis.
"I am the queen! I AM THE CHAMPION...OF THE WORLD! HAHAHAHAHA WORSHIP ME NOW!!!!!!!" I yelled, stampeding into a group of terrified Hufflepuff third- years.
"W-what on EARTH i-is g-g-going on out here?" Professor Quirrell asked, stepping out of his office. On seeing me, he froze. Then he dragged me inside his office.
"The hell is wrong with you, Katz?" He hissed. Where's his stutter gone? Or maybe he was stuttering and I'm just too high to notice. Oh, well.
"Weasleys. Kidnapped. Forced about 300 coffee cups worth of caffeine down my throat. If I sleep tonight it'll be a miracle. Next time, I'm sticking with decaf." I said, making vague sense.
Then I realised I was in the same room as Professor Quirrell, alias Cute Twitchy Turban Guy. That is when I stopped thinking straight. Or as straight as you can think with 500 litres of caffeine inside you. No, I am not bent, it's just a figure of speech, dammit!
"I th-think you sh-sh-should calm d-down a b-bit." He said. Was it me, or had he started stuttering again?
"Would you like to see my impression of a lockjaw germ?" I asked stupidly. He blinked.
Then something really strange happened. He kind of walked over to where I was standing and gave me a little half-hug. I was frozen. THE CTTG HAD JUST HUGGED ME!!! Oooooooooohhhh.....goooooooood....thankyou..goooooooood. I was only pretending to be a Catholic. I will always withhold the Pagan faith, even if no one else does.
"Come and see me when you're feeling better." He whispered in my ear. There he goes again. Where's his stutter gone? I DEMAND TO KNOW WHERE HIS STUTTER'S GONE! I know. It's gone to the Three Broomsticks for a butterbeer, hasn't it?
I think I might be disorientated.
"May I eat your turban?" I asked. He blinked again. Now I definitely know I'm disorientated. He gave me another little half-hug and told me to go and lie down.
"Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!" I said, saluting and clicking my heels together. He sighed, muttered something about extra pay for overtime doctoring and went out of the room.
10.00pm
Am outside. Staring at the nearly-full moon and the pretty stars. I have a really splitting headache. That's called a caffeine-hangover. Am going to kill the Weasley twins as soon as I have consumed sufficient Paracetamol.
"Look! There's Sirius, the Dog Star! And there's Orion!" I whispered in Jan's ear.
"Ja, meine Lieblingsfreunde. Und there ist Draco. And Draco. The star and the boy. Teehhheeeeeeeeehhhheeeee..."
Yes. I think she's been force-fed caffeine by the Weasley's as well. Never trust anything with a surname including Weasel, and red hair that looks as though it's being set on fire by pixies.
12.00am
Am back in dorm. Am in bed. Have said goodnight to Jan, Lavender and Parvati. Lavender and Parvati are actually quite nice, no attitude-queens at all. Haven't said goonight to Baby B, though. I don't think anyone did coz she was already asleep.
1.00am
Pretty Dog Star! Pretty! Pretty moon! Preeeetttyyyy...
2.00am
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
2.30am
Wha'? Oh, God, it's that owl again! Why can't it have an alarm clock fitted in? 'Do not wake before 6.30am. PLEASE BE PUNCTUAL!' I swaer, if it wakes me up at 2.00am again then I'll wring it's scrawny neck and ask Uncle Rem to send me a goldfish. Rip Van R's reply was attached to Shadow's leg.
'Justice,
Well, Gryffindor isn't so bad. I was in Gryffindor myself. You'll probably think up some sarcastic comment here. Anyway. Professor Snape, did you say? If you find out his fist name, send it by return owl. I know it's a full moon. There is no need to rub the subject in. Remus'
Hmm. I think I touched a nerve there. Maybe I shouldn't have pointed out about the full moon. After all, Rip Van R has been memorising the Lunar Chart since he was about five.
3.00am
Sleep...
7.00am
ARGH! ARGH! IT'S COMING THROUGH THE CEILING! Oh, no, sorry. That was just this really strange dream about... well, you don't want to know what it was about.
I woke Jan but left the other three. Hell, it would be funny if Baby B was late. She's insufferable. Never late for anything, that girl.
"I haf been vorking on a letter to mein Parents. Vould you like to see it?" Jan asked me. I nodded and she handed me a piece of paper with writing on it.
'Hall meinen Vater!
Ich bin ins Gryffindor gegangen. Meine neue Lieblingsfreunde heißt Justice Katz. Ich habe gut Gesundheit. Ich habe eine neue Eule heißt Rauch. Ich hoffe du hast gut Gesundheit. Auf Wedersehen, Jan LuSape'
I stared at her.
"Vell? Is it ok?" She asked impatiently.
"I'm sure it is. I could double check, but I CAN'T BLOODY READ IT!" I yelled.
I think I might be hysterical.
7.30am
Joined with Pothead and RonEEEEEEE in the main hall. I showed them Jan's letter and they stared blankly. Jan's going to start teaching me German. Yippee. I can hardly wait. Today's timetable is not much better than yesterday's. Double History of Magic (god that sounds boring) followed by another double dose of Transfiguration.
7.31am
I was in the middle of eating my Rice Krispies (!) when Dumbledore stood up to make the announcement of the day.
"School," he began. "Due to unfortunate circumstances, Professor McGonagall is not able to teach today. Her lessons will be covered by various other members of staff depending on their timetables."
Good. I hope I gave her my anaemia, even though anaemia isn't contagious.
8.00am
Jan and I are singing. No, I mean serious singing. As in 'I've had too much coffee but I only had eleven cups' singing.
"The sun aint gonna shine anymore," I sang. Great song. Alan Rickman sings it in Truly Madly Deeply. He has a great voice. "The moon aint gonna rise in the sky-y. The tears are always cloudin' your ey-eyes! WHEN YOU'RE WITHOUT LOVE! Bay-bee"
"Charlie had a pigeon, a pigeon, a pigeon. Charlie had a pigeon, a pigeon he had. He flew it by day and he flew it by night, and when it came back it was covered in SHITE!" Ron sang out of tune.
"Mary had a little lamb, she also had a duck/ She took it round a corner to teach it how to/ Fry some eggs for breakfast, fry some eggs for tea/ The more you eat, the more you drink, the more you want to/ Peter had a boat, the boat began to rock/ Up jumped Jaws and bit off his/ Cocktails, ginger ale, forty cents a glass/ If you don't like them then shove 'em up your/ Ask no questions, tell no lies/ I saw the bogey-man doing up his/ Flies are bad, mosquitoes are worse/ And that is the end of my silly little verse." Harry Pothead chanted. I never knew he had it in him.
"Meinen Vater ist ein Kartoffelnkopf, ein Kartoffelnkopf er ist." Jan sang. I got a grip.
"Ok. Shut up now. We're - sorry, I'M - getting some funny looks from the staff table" I hissed.
9.00am
Joy, joy, double joy. History of Magic. Wham Bam Thank you Jan for pushing me down the stairs.
I was sitting innocently in the History of Magic classroom, and this ghost glided through the wall!
"I am Professor Binns" He told us, before diving into some incredibly useless information about a goblin called Thorg the Dead-Who-Had-No-Name- What-Shouldn't-Exist-And-Has-No-Consideration-Because-We-Have-To-Learn- About-His-Arse-At-School-Jingy-Whatto or something like that. Who cares? He's dead, anyway.
10.00am
Think...going to...sleep...
11.00am
"Miss Karp, could you answer that question for us please?" Throw-Me-In- These-Rubber-Binns asked. I jerked awake.
"Miss Katz, sir. And no, I can't." I said among sniggers, being honest, logic and normal. It nearly got me a detention. I am never taking Mum's advice again! She was the one who told me to be honest and logic! I thought being normal would help. Fine! I will never listen to mum again! EVA!
12.00pm
Decided that, as suspected, History of Magic is a load of shite. I made my way down to the lunch hall when Jan ran into me and said something that nearly gave me a heart attack.
"Professor Qvirrell is covering for our Transfiguration lesson. Professor McGonagall is no here, so Professor Qvirrell has agreed to take our lessons for us. Das ist cool, ja?"
Oh Jan, Jan, ma petite, you don't know HOW COOL that is! He is so cut! He is even cuter than Alan Rickman (matter of opinion. Those of you who think AR is a poof, get lost *points at exit*)
"M-move along now, g-g-girls." A nervous, jumpy voice stuttered from behind us. I turned round and nearly had another heart attack. LORD OF THE TURBANS! I WORSHIP YOU! I AM UNWORTHY!
"Ach! I am being fery sorry, mein Proff." Ihre seid Professor Qvirrell, ja?" Jan asked. Prof. Quirrell frowned, trying to work out what she said.
"Don't worry, Professor." I said winningly. "I have that trouble sometimes."
He looked at me, smiled nervously, twitched and then walked off, massaging his temple. Well, what the hell? Oh, crap, I have another zit, don't I?
"Jan. Do I have a spot on my face?" I asked, grabbing her. She shook her head.
"Nein, meine Lieblingsfreunde. Your skin is fery gut, ja?"
Bliss. No spots. Crap. No Quirrell.
1.00pm
Foule for lunch. Foule is this kind of Egyptian mash made out of something, something else and lentils. That's the thing you can always trust about the Egyptians. Everything they make always has lentils in it. Or mango. But mango and something that looks suspiciously like merde don't go very well.
"Five points from Gryffindor, Katz, for falling asleep in Professor Binns' lessons." Professor Snape said from somewhere behind me. I jumped and turned round. WHERE THE HELL DID HE COME FROM! HOW THE HELL DOES HE KNOW ABOUT THAT??? WHY THE HELL DOES HE STALK ME? I'm scared now.
"Huh-? Wha-?" I began. He smirked evilly.
"Wow. Don't we make a lot of sense?" He asked with a kind of twisted sneer on his face. I wondered how much effort it took him to actually smile.
"Loneliness," I sang "Is the cloak you wear. Baybee, baybee. A deep shade of bluuee/ is always theerre... THE SUN AINT GONNA SHINE ANYMORE! THE MOON AINT GONNA RISE IN THE SKY-Y! THE TEARS ARE ALWAYS CLOUDIN' YOUR EY-EYES! WHEN YOU'RE WITHOUT LOVE! Baaaybeee!"
Snape blinked and walked off, gingerly rubbing his ear where I had yelled down it. Harry Pothead and RonEEEEEEEE were looking at me in awe. Jan was just looking at me in pity. Why is the song stuck in my head? I haven't burned anything today!
"Vell, at least it is not being Greensleefes, ja?" Jan pointed out.
"Wow! You put one against Snape!" Ron said in wonder. I smiled modestly.
"No, I just have that song stuck in my head. By the Walker Brothers. Now sung by Alan Rickman, the cute Sheriff of Nottingham, in Truly Madly Deeply."
By the look on his face, I can tell he doesn't follow anymore. I sighed and gave up.
2.00pm
YESSSS!!! Ha! Double ha! Double ha and :P! Double ha with a hyphen and :D :D :D ! Transfiguration! WITH QUIRRELL!
"Ach!" Jan said. "He is... how you say? Qvite cute, nein?"
"Nein Sheiße!" I replied, and we both fell about giggling. It's funny. He reminds me so much of Ian Hart.
"R-right." He said as he walked in twitching. He didn't notice that two girls on the front row were paying rapt attention, though maybe one was drooling more than the other. Ahem. Well, the desk got a good wash!
"I am c-covering for P-professor McGonagall, who c-cannot make it b-b- because of inconvenient c-circumstances."
"The sun aint gonna shine anymore/ the moon aint gonna rise in the sky!" I whispered to Jan. We both fell about laughing and had to get a drink of water to stop choking.
3.00pm
We have to copy up a load of Transfiguration theory while McG's not here. That means the next load of Transfig. Lessons are gonna be actually Transfiguring.
'Boggarts, Animagi, Werewolves and certain other mythical animals can transubstantiate. They are the only living things that may do so, and without the help of complex spells or a werewolf bite, humans cannot transubstantiate. Transubstantiating species may form a symbiosis if situations are diffifcult or inconvenient.' The textbook read. Ok, I was never great at English. Transubstantiate and symbiosis I don't know.
I stuck my hand up in the air.
"Sir! Can you please explain about transubstantiating species and symbiotic bonds?" I asked, waving my hand around like a lunatic. I swear all the blood drained from his face and he started twitching more.
"T-t-transubstantiating is m-moving f-f-from on f-form t-to a-a-another, m- much like a w-w-werewolf or b-b-boggart." He explained.
"And a symbiosis?" I persisted. I promise he choked.
"S-s-symbiosis?" He swallowed, "That's w-where one sp-species f-f-forms a b- bond with a-a-another. The one c-can't l-l-live without th-the other, and v- vice - v-v-versa." He smiled nervously. "Anymore q-questions?"
"No thanks, sir, I understand now." Lies. I didn't actually understand why he had gone pale and shaky when I'd asked. Ah, well. There's a lot of things I don't understand.
4.00pm
Most of us have finished copying and are now making paper animals out of spare parchment. Look, it's a penguin!
"Ach! Mine seal ist better than dein pengvin!" Jan whispered. I half- squashed the seal.
"Not anymore." I whispered back. She slapped me playfully. At least, I hope it was playfully...
5.00pm
WAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! The Turbanator hs left the building. Well, he's left me alone. Now whenever he looks at me he puts on a funny face. I haven't done anything wrong...yet. Well, anyway, Jan and I went up to our dorm to discuss the SSS (Sadistic Shampoo Seducer - no prizes for guessing who) and CTTG (Cute Twitchy Turban Guy 0 again, this should be pretty obvious)
"So, Jan, what do you think of the SSS?"
"Ach, no! I don't know him das vell; ve haf not had him to teach us yet, nein?"
"Well, I haven't had him to teach yet and he is uber-creepy." I said, as though talking about a vampire.
"Ja. He is das Uberlord von der Unterhosen." Jan said, and we both fell about laughing.
"No, that's Satan." I said, wagging a finger at her. We fell into hysterics again. What fun.
5.05pm
"What about the CTTG?" I asked seriously (hell yeah)
"Ach! He ist sehr cute, nein?" Jan asked, giggling.
"Really!" I agreed. "He kept looking at me strangely."
"Ja? Vell, that vill probably be because of your fery funny singing this morning, nein?"
"Hahahahahahaha...oh, you're being serious."
7.00pm
Am playing strip poker with Jan, Pothead and RonEEEEEEEEEEE. Unfortunately we've had so much caffeine-concentrated drinks that we've forgotten how to play properly.
"You just lost that round!" RonEEEEEEE said, knocking the cards out of my hand. "You have to take your shoe off!"
"Damn you, you little Sheißehead!" I yelled at him. "Arseschlecker! Bite my shiny metal arse!" I ran out of the hall with the Weasley clan following hot on my heels. Mummy, I swear, if I get out of this alive, then I will never question your logic again.
7.30pm
Am at dinner being spoon-fed by the Weasleys. They've tied my hands to my chair. Oh, thank God, Jan's taking over. At least I can trust her not to try and ram the spoon into my stomach via my throat.
"Are you ok?" She whispered, RonEEEEE, Gred (?) and Forge (ACK! UT'S CONTAGIOUS! GET IT AWAY FROM ME!) watching suspiciously.
"Yeah. Wonder what das Uberfamily von der Unterhosen are going to do to me?"
"Open vide, train's coming, ja?"
Good grief. Am thinking of becoming a Catholic
8.00pm
At ten tonight is Astronomy. They have it every other Wednesday at ten, so it wasn't on the timetable. Meanwhile, Fed and George Weasley have tied me to a chair and are force-feeding me powdered caffeine (I'm sure that stuff's illegal)
"Isn't this illegal?" I asked them in between having drugs rammed down my throat.
"Oh yeah" said one
"Do we care?" Said the other
"Not really!" Laughed both.
Please, almighty Catholic God, if you are up there then stop these homicidal maniacs from choking me with illegal stimulation powders.
8.30pm
WAAAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! For some reason, Fred and Thing seem to think it's funny that I'm running around on a serious caffeine high scaring people and basically acting like an ancient Pagan person, calling for sacrifices to Artemis.
"I am the queen! I AM THE CHAMPION...OF THE WORLD! HAHAHAHAHA WORSHIP ME NOW!!!!!!!" I yelled, stampeding into a group of terrified Hufflepuff third- years.
"W-what on EARTH i-is g-g-going on out here?" Professor Quirrell asked, stepping out of his office. On seeing me, he froze. Then he dragged me inside his office.
"The hell is wrong with you, Katz?" He hissed. Where's his stutter gone? Or maybe he was stuttering and I'm just too high to notice. Oh, well.
"Weasleys. Kidnapped. Forced about 300 coffee cups worth of caffeine down my throat. If I sleep tonight it'll be a miracle. Next time, I'm sticking with decaf." I said, making vague sense.
Then I realised I was in the same room as Professor Quirrell, alias Cute Twitchy Turban Guy. That is when I stopped thinking straight. Or as straight as you can think with 500 litres of caffeine inside you. No, I am not bent, it's just a figure of speech, dammit!
"I th-think you sh-sh-should calm d-down a b-bit." He said. Was it me, or had he started stuttering again?
"Would you like to see my impression of a lockjaw germ?" I asked stupidly. He blinked.
Then something really strange happened. He kind of walked over to where I was standing and gave me a little half-hug. I was frozen. THE CTTG HAD JUST HUGGED ME!!! Oooooooooohhhh.....goooooooood....thankyou..goooooooood. I was only pretending to be a Catholic. I will always withhold the Pagan faith, even if no one else does.
"Come and see me when you're feeling better." He whispered in my ear. There he goes again. Where's his stutter gone? I DEMAND TO KNOW WHERE HIS STUTTER'S GONE! I know. It's gone to the Three Broomsticks for a butterbeer, hasn't it?
I think I might be disorientated.
"May I eat your turban?" I asked. He blinked again. Now I definitely know I'm disorientated. He gave me another little half-hug and told me to go and lie down.
"Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!" I said, saluting and clicking my heels together. He sighed, muttered something about extra pay for overtime doctoring and went out of the room.
10.00pm
Am outside. Staring at the nearly-full moon and the pretty stars. I have a really splitting headache. That's called a caffeine-hangover. Am going to kill the Weasley twins as soon as I have consumed sufficient Paracetamol.
"Look! There's Sirius, the Dog Star! And there's Orion!" I whispered in Jan's ear.
"Ja, meine Lieblingsfreunde. Und there ist Draco. And Draco. The star and the boy. Teehhheeeeeeeeehhhheeeee..."
Yes. I think she's been force-fed caffeine by the Weasley's as well. Never trust anything with a surname including Weasel, and red hair that looks as though it's being set on fire by pixies.
12.00am
Am back in dorm. Am in bed. Have said goodnight to Jan, Lavender and Parvati. Lavender and Parvati are actually quite nice, no attitude-queens at all. Haven't said goonight to Baby B, though. I don't think anyone did coz she was already asleep.
1.00am
Pretty Dog Star! Pretty! Pretty moon! Preeeetttyyyy...
2.00am
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz