Disclaimers: In Ch 1
AN: This fic, again is to the group. You know you are and you know where this is going and what it is REALLY about. Anyone else doesn't matter. This is a work of fiction. The characters will not remain true to what the wonderful writers at CSI have written for them. But, it's not beyond the realm of possibility. If you didn't like Ch 1, just don't read any further. I don't need you to read it or review it.
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Gil stood on the front porch of Catherine's house, enjoying the sound of the early morning birds in the trees and the relative quiet of the street. Taking a deep breath, he unlocked the door and quietly walked in.
Catherine was at the sink, doing dishes leftover from her mad dash to work the night before.
"Where's Linds?" he asked looking around.
"It was late so I left her with Maxine." She finished putting dishes in the washer and closed the door. She dried her hands and turned towards him, bracing herself against the counter.
"Are you okay?" Gil asked, setting his keys down on the small table by the door. He shrugged out of his jacket and hung it in the closet, and then walked over to her.
"I'm fine. You did what you had to do, Gil. I just wish." she trailed off.
"What? That it hadn't gotten to that point?" He looked pointedly at her. "You could have walked away, you should have walked away."
"You weren't there, you don't know," Catherine shot back. She did not want to talk about this. She couldn't, not now, maybe not ever.
"That's the point. I don't know. I want you to tell me." Gil's irritation was rising.
"I don't want to talk about it. It's over. It doesn't concern you anyway." She wouldn't meet his eyes.
"God damn it, Catherine. Talk to me! And this does too concern me." Gil shouted, incensed.
"Don't you dare shout at me, Gil Grissom!" Catherine shot back, her face red, but the area where Sara had slapped her was a purple-blue color. "I told you I don't want to talk about it."
"Then what do you want?" His voice softened, as he took in the bruise visible on her face. He reached for her, only to have her shrink back. He sighed as he pulled his arm back. "Do you want me to leave?" He was afraid of her answer.
Catherine's eyes darted to his, then away. "I think for right now, it would be for the best."
He gazed at her for another moment, then turned, grabbed his jacket from the closet and slipped it back on. He walked over to the table to get his keys.
"No! Wait!" she cried, the tears making their way slowly down her cheeks. "I don't want you to leave."
Three strides and she was in his arms, her face buried in his neck, her tears wetting his skin. He held her to him, stroking her hair, and then led her to the couch. He settled her on the couch and sat next to her.
"Cath, what happened?"
"Gil, I really don't want to talk about it. Can we just sit here? I'm going to be on a day schedule for the next few days, and we won't get to spend anytime together. Please?"
Gil sighed. He could see the hurt in her deep blue eyes, but knew he wasn't going to get any information out of her right now. He placed a gentle kiss to her forehead. "I'll drop it for now. But, Catherine, at some point I want you to tell me what went on last night."
"Alright," she said, thankful that he agreed to drop it, and snuggled into his chest, wrapping on arm around him. She didn't want him to know just how much Sara's words had hurt her, had made her doubt herself and the wisdom of having a personal relationship with Gil. She loved him with every fiber of her being and she didn't want to let him go, but yet she was fearful of the repercussions if someone tried to a make an issue of it.
They sat that way for a few minutes, each enjoying the presence of the other and not needing to fill the silence with words. After she heard him yawn for the third time, she suggested that they go to bed; he still had to work that night. Catherine stood and offered him her hand, leading him to the bedroom. She crawled into bed while he took a shower, she hadn't slept at all after coming home, and she knew she wouldn't be sleeping now. What she wanted was to be held, and Gil did that better than anyone she knew.
"Hey," came his soft voice a few minutes later. "You're on my side of the bed." He watched her sit up and saw the bruise on the left side of her face. Sitting on the bed, he gently took her chin in his hand and tilted her head to the side. He gasped when he saw the vivid purple bruise on her left cheek. He traced his finger over the spot gently, and she flinched in pain.
"Yes, it does hurt and I don't want to lay on that side," she said, reading the question in his eyes. "Don't worry. I've had worse."
"You shouldn't have had this one." He knew Catherine could get bitchy at times and mouth off, but he had trouble believing that what she said had deserved a slap like that. From the few words he'd heard, Sara was out of control; apparently Warrick and Nick had thought so too. As Catherine's supervisor, he'd had to be harsh on her, but as her lover, he wanted to protect her. He kissed her softly and was surprised when she opened her mouth and deepened the kiss, her arms wrapping around him. He returned her kiss, pulling her closer to him. After a minute he pulled away slightly, kissing her nose and then her forehead.
"I love you, Catherine," he breathed. He lay down and pulled her onto his chest, holding her tightly, knowing that was what she wanted and needed most. Catherine snuggled closer to him and listened to him breath, Sara's words reverberating in her head. She was tired of fighting those people who assumed because she stripped for a living that she must have also slept around. Nothing could have been further from the truth. She had never and would never 'step out' on the man she was with. She'd had ample opportunities during her marriage, but refused them all. She had been tempted of course, she was human, but she just wasn't 'that' type of woman. What was fine for others wasn't fine with her. They could do as they pleased, she certainly wasn't going to judge them, but she was the one who had to face herself in the mirror, not them. Her conscious was clear on that.
But was that what people really thought of her. That she was a 'glorified whore turned CSI'? She'd never allowed herself to think that, but now she was plagued by self-doubts. Catherine listened as Gil's breathing evened out in sleep. She waited a few more moments until she was sure he was sleeping and eased out of bed. She knew she wasn't going to sleep and she couldn't lie there any longer. Soon she would start fidgeting and wake up Gil; he needed his sleep.
She walked through the house, not finding anything to distract her. She had too much nervous energy for the television and she'd cleaned everything after she'd gotten home. Feeling trapped and on edge, she decided on a run. Running always cleared her mind, helped her focus on what was important. She tiptoed back into her room, grabbed her running gear and went to the main bathroom to dress.
She let herself out of the house quietly and began warm up stretches in the driveway. Ten minutes later she was off to a slow jog, continuing her warm up for about a mile before she broke out into a fast run. Not thinking about where she was going, she ran down the streets heading out of her neighborhood and onto a main street that headed into the heart of Las Vegas. Soon her breathing became labored, but she didn't slow her pace. Catherine felt like the Hounds of Hell were close on her heels and she couldn't run fast enough. The edgy, trapped feeling was worse, if possible. An hour into her run, she stumbled to a stop at a crosswalk, her chest heaving for air, legs feeling like jello. Clinging to sign post, she looked around; she was at the edge of the strip. 'Shit!' She thought. 'I've just run 6 miles.' She stood there for a moment, trying to catch her breath, knowing she was going to have to go 6 miles back. After her breathing calmed a bit, she began the trek home, cursing herself for her inattention. The mid-morning air was hot and Catherine was parched by the time she was halfway home and she half trotted, half walked the rest of the way. Jogging up her driveway, she put the key in the lock and leaned against it, trying to focus; her vision blurry. Suddenly the door opened and she fell into Gil's arms.
"Where the hell have you been?" Gil exclaimed as he helped her inside. "Damn! You're burning up!"
"Running," she gasped out. She started to sway in his arms. Gil quickly helped her onto the floor and pushed her head between her knees.
"Breath deeply. That's it. Through your nose." He rubbed her back and after a few moments she lifted her head. "Better?" He asked.
"Yeah, I need some water," Cath managed and struggled to her feet. Her legs were shaky and Gil all but carried her to the couch.
"Stay here, I'll get it." He was back with a glass of water before her mind even registered that he was gone. "It's tap water, not too cold." She accepted it with shaking hands. "Drink slow." He waited until she had drunk some, and then took a deep breath to calm himself. "What were you thinking, Cath? It's hot out there. You didn't take anything with you. Did you have some water before you started?"
Catherine swallowed some water before answering. "No. I didn't. I didn't think I was going that far." She looked at him and gave him a small smile. "Before I knew it I was at the Strip and had to come all of the way back."
"The Strip?" Gil was incredulous. "Shit, Cath! That's like 12 miles or more."
Catherine smiled at his use of the word 'like'. Lindsey was rubbing off on him. "Tell me about it. I feel everyone of those twelve miles right now." She pushed herself off the couch and onto the floor. "And if I don't stretch out, I'll never be able to move."
Gil watched as she stretched her body out, part of his brain appreciating the long, lean line of her body. She was trying her damndest to pretend that she was okay, but he wasn't fooled. He could see the tension and fatigue around her eyes and the shakiness of her limbs. She needed food and rest. He knew Catherine like the back of his hand. Last night had really upset her and when she was upset, she didn't eat. While she was stretching, he went into the kitchen and popped a bagel in the toaster. He put some grapes on a plate waited on the bagel to be done. 'Red grapes for Cath and green for Lindsey,' he thought to himself. Sometimes, when he thought about it, it amazed him how quickly he learned their routine, assimilating himself into theirs and in turn, they into his. He'd kept his townhouse, but he was rarely ever there. Most of his things were here; even some of his mail had been routed to her house. He snatched the bagel as it popped up and put it on the plate with the grapes.
He carried the plate back to her and set it on the coffee table. "You need to eat. And then get some sleep."
Catherine nibbled at her bagel, her stomach not really wanting food, but she knew she had to eat. She'd really overdone it this morning and was going to be sore later. "How come you're up?"
Gil sat next her and started rubbing her legs, still seeing the slight trembling. "I woke up and you weren't there. I wanted to see if you were okay." He looked at her; slightly irritated at the way she quickly glanced at him, and then back to her plate. Lifting her chin with his fingers, he forced her to meet his eyes. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine, Gil, really," Catherine lied with ease. She hated to lie to him, but she knew if she didn't convince him, he would push the issue and she didn't want him to know exactly what had been said between Sara and her. It would only cause more problems, and he had enough to deal with. So she lied her 'little tail off' as her mother used to say. "I'm just tired. I'll eat this, take a hot bath and go to bed." She leaned over and kissed him quickly, but her lie was bothering her. She did have a conscious and it was in overdrive at the moment. She ate a bit more, drained her glass of water, and stood. "I'm going to take a hot bath." She extended her hand to him, helping him off the floor. "You want to join me?"
"Are you sure? You just got back from running 12 miles, Cath. Maybe you should sleep," he suggested, brushing some hair from her face.
"I'm fine. Besides I need to stretch my muscles." She grinned at him, running her hand down his bare chest, her fingers playing with the waistband of his boxers. "Can you think of a more fun way? Because if you can, I'm all ears."
"Not from where I'm standing," he retorted, smiling at her. "If you're sure, I suppose I could fit it into my busy schedule. But I'm not cleaning up the floor. I did it last time."
"Well if you hadn't filled the tub to the brim, it wouldn't have been that bad. I had two loads of towels to wash after that incident," Catherine laughed, remembering how the water had even gotten the bedroom carpet wet.
"In my defense," Gil spouted, trying to remove her running shirt as they walked. "If you hadn't been distracting me, I wouldn't have forgotten about it."
"Me?" She asked with a snort. "I seem to remember it was you who couldn't keep your hands or your mouth to yourself." Catherine remembered well his caressing hands and his mouth on her breasts. She had never known that Gil was a breast man, but now she took any opportunity she could to tease him about 'his girls'. It had become a running joke between them.
Gil just shrugged his shoulders and gave her a look that said he couldn't help himself. Catherine rolled her eyes at him and went into the bathroom, starting the water and lining the floor with towels. She wasn't going to spend two hours mopping up water.
"You know if you just had a bigger shower, this wouldn't be necessary," Gil complained, gesturing to the towels.
Catherine straightened and pointed to the tub. "I know, but the tub is worth it." Her shower was small, barely big enough for her to shower in, impossible for two people.
"It is nice," Gil admitted, looking over her shoulder, his hands sliding under her sports bra. He kissed her neck, her skin tasting salty from her run. He moved his mouth to her ear, tracing the rim with his tongue. He knew that her ear was 'the spot' for her, and she confirmed it by groaning and digging her nails in to his forearms. "So, how are my girls today?" He whispered, feeling her nipples harden from his caress.
"How do they feel?" she sighed as he continued his slow sensual assault on her ear. She could feel the desire coursing through her, pooling between her legs. What this man could do to her. She turned and lifted her mouth to his, her tongue sliding between his teeth to meet with his.
Gil pulled back long enough to pull off her bra, tossing it out of the way. He pulled her close to him, enjoying the feel of her breasts pressed against his bare chest. "Hey, Cath. You gonna turn off the water?"
"Oh yeah." She quickly turned around and shut the water off. "See what you made me do?" She accused, noting the almost full tub.
"I'll make it up to you. I promise." Gil ran his hands down her waist and tugged at her running shorts.
"You better." Catherine's breath caught in her throat as Gil's lips moved over her navel and lower, his hands pulling her shorts down her legs and tossing them away. Running his hands up her legs, he nudged her thighs apart, his tongue darting out and tasting her, testing her readiness. He wound one arm around her hips, holding her closer to him. Catherine's head fell back and she moaned, "God, Gil." His mouth was doing amazing things to her. She never lasted long this way. He knew exactly where to touch her, with his fingers and tongue; he always had. Her knees felt weak; the only thing holding her up was Gil's arm. Her muscles tensed and she screamed as her orgasm hit her, her vision fading to black, and then slowly returning.
"Damn," she gasped out, her chest heaving for air.
"I told you I'd make it up to you," he quipped, standing next to her. "Come here." He quickly shed his boxers and stepped into the tub, settling against the slanted back. He watched as she climbed in and straddled his hips.
Meeting his gaze, she quirked an eyebrow at him as she positioned herself over him, her eyes sliding shut as she took his length into her.
"Do you know how much I love you?"
Catherine's eyes flew open at his words and the guilt returned. She'd lied to him, but more than that, she was holding part of herself back. Something she swore she'd never do. Part of her wanted to tell him everything, but she felt she had to protect him. She nodded and leaned closer, whispering in his ear, "Show me."
And he did.
Catherine lay in Gil's arms while he slept. She looked at the clock, 3:15. Jane, Lindsey's best friend's mother would be dropping Lindsey off in another hour. Lindsey had choir after school today, and Catherine was grateful for the reprieve. Catherine's body needed sleep, but her mind refused to let her. She felt broken, shattered and nothing could make her whole again. She knew what she needed to do, what she felt she had to do, but she was so afraid. She would hurt Gil, she knew that and she could barely stand the thought of it. The tears slid down her cheeks and she quietly got out of bed. She walked to Lindsey's bathroom, locked the door and slid down the wall. Grabbing a towel and pressing it to her mouth, she broke into the sobs that she'd managed to hold back all day.
Somehow Catherine managed to get through the rest of the evening. Lindsey came home, full of tales from school. There was homework to help with and dinner to make. She pretended to be her normal self, but she really doubted she was fooling Gil or even Lindsey. Several times, she'd catch Gil watching her, a puzzled frown on his face, as if trying to piece together the puzzle of her emotions. She smiled at the appropriate times and even managed a laugh, but it was hollow. She just wanted this evening to be over, for the first time ever, she just wanted it to be time for Gil to leave for work. She hated herself for what she was going to do, but she knew it had to be done. She'd made the phone calls she'd needed to after she'd gotten her crying under control, and everything was in place. It had been surprisingly easy.
What she really wanted to do was to tell him everything. Tell him every word that was exchanged between her and Sara; every doubt and insecurity that she had, and those that had resurfaced. But she wouldn't. She couldn't. Gil was still the supervisor and as long as Sara worked there, she would not tell him anything. It would only put more strain between him and Sara and she didn't want that. He didn't need to hear it and she didn't even know if she could repeat it.
After putting Lindsey to bed, Gil returned to his favorite chair and his crossword while Catherine cleaned up the kitchen. Catherine and Gil had a very active sex life and usually tried to sneak in a 'quickie' before one or both of them headed into work, but Gil didn't seem interested and Catherine sure wasn't. She felt horrible for what she was about to do and for the lie she'd told him. She felt dirty inside and if he made love to her she would transfer that 'dirt' to him.
Catherine found it odd; the entire evening she couldn't wait for Gil to leave, but when he was at the door, kissing her goodbye, she couldn't let go. She clung to him, holding him so tightly her arms hurt.
"Cath, are you sure you're going to be okay?" The concern in his eyes just about killed her. He was the sweetest man, he loved her and no biological father could have loved Lindsey more.
She kissed him fiercely, conveying her love to him with her mouth, something she knew she couldn't put into words at the moment. She could hear the tears in her voice when she assured him that she was just tired and was going to go to bed. After another kiss, he left; she locked the door and she ran to her room, the sobs shaking her body as she curled herself around his pillow and cried. How long she cried, she didn't know, but she woke up promptly at five am, her face puffy, her eyes feeling heavy and the pillow beneath her soaked with tears. She dragged herself from the bed and took a shower, deciding to pack after she was dressed. She'd take Lindsey to her sister's and be back before Gil got home. That was the plan.
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Catherine stood in the bedroom as she heard Gil call her name from the living room. "In here," she answered, hoping her nervousness couldn't be heard in her voice. Her bags were packed and in the car, all she had to do was tell Gil. 'Tell Gil,' Catherine thought as she wiped away a stray tear. 'If only it were that easy.' She felt him walk up behind her, his arms going around her waist and she allowed herself the momentary comfort of his arms, before turning to face him. This was going to be the hardest thing she'd ever done, but she knew it was for the best. It very well could blow up in her face and she could lose the one man she'd ever truly loved.
"Why the long face?" He asked her frowning slightly. He could see the moisture in her eyes and it scared him.
"Sit down, I need to tell you something," she said softly, leading him to the bed. Gil sat, confusion and fear written on his face. Taking a deep breath for courage, she faced him, the tears already brimming in her eyes.
"Cath, whatever it is, you can tell me." Gil took her hand in his. "It can't be that bad, can it?" Suddenly he wasn't so sure.
"I uh," Catherine cleared her throat and started again. "I asked Mobley for a leave of absence and he granted it." She watched Gil's face as the words sank in. His eyes became shuttered, closed off. Gil hadn't been like that with her in such a long time. It was the face he showed others, people he didn't want close to him; never to her. "I'll be gone, two, maybe three weeks at the most. I need this time Gil. We need this time." Catherine voice ended on a sob as he pulled his hand from hers as if her touch was unbearable to him.
"Why?" His voice was cold, his eyes like ice.
"Because I need to think. I need to figure out what's best for me."
"And suddenly I'm not it?"
"That's not what I'm saying." The tears were falling in earnest now, unheeded down her cheeks. "I need some time to myself. To get away, to.I can't explain it. I just know it's something I have to do." She knelt in front of him, looking up into his eyes, begging him to understand something that she really didn't. "I love you, Gil, of that I'm sure. And I will be back, but we can't keep doing this." Her words tumbled out in a torrent of feeling. "I won't let our relationship ruin your career. Look at what has already happened. People are questioning your loyalties. They're questioning me, and how I got this job and whether or not I deserve it."
"Is this about Sara? What the fuck did she say to you?"
"No! It's not about Sara or what she said. That's not important, they were words spoken in the heat of the moment. What's important, Gil is that if she's saying it, than others are too." She put her hand on his knee, relieved when he didn't push her away. "Gil, if we continue to.to be together like this and work together," she trailed off momentarily. "We have to choose, Gil. We can't continue to work together and be together," she said, emphasizing 'be'. "One of these days we'll have to make a choice. If we don't, then they will." She caressed his cheek with her other hand. "I love you too much to make you decide between me and your job. Or even lose your job because the wrong person questions your motives."
"She really rattled you, didn't she?"
Catherine blew out a frustrated breath. "Dammit, Gil. Yes, ok, she did. But those thoughts were already there; they've always been there. I need to get my head together and I can't do it here. I can't. Please understand that. I'm not leaving you. I just love you too much to make you go through this with me. I need to decide what I'm going to do. What I need to do."
"It feels like you're leaving me, Cath," Gil whispered, tears sliding slowly down his cheeks. "I can't let you go."
The sight of his tears prompted her own to fall again. "God, Baby, please don't cry. One thing I promise you, I will come back. I will. I love you. You know that. I'd do anything for you, but I won't ruin your career, Gil. Don't ask me to." She leaned up and kissed him, her tears mingling with his.
Gil threaded his fingers through her hair and held her to him. The kiss turned forceful and they pulled away, gasping for breath, and he pressed his forehead to hers.
"Where are you going?"
"Tahoe, I left all the information on the counter for you. I'll have my cell phone, but, Gil don't come after me. Let me have this time. Please." She stood and placed a kiss to the top of his head. "I love you, don't you ever forget that." She turned and walked away, his voice stopping her at the doorway.
"Cath, I'll leave the light on. just in case you get tired of being gone."
She smiled wanly and walked, shoulders sagging, out of the bedroom. The last glimpse she saw of Gil was his blue eyes glistening with tears, watching her leave.
AN: This fic, again is to the group. You know you are and you know where this is going and what it is REALLY about. Anyone else doesn't matter. This is a work of fiction. The characters will not remain true to what the wonderful writers at CSI have written for them. But, it's not beyond the realm of possibility. If you didn't like Ch 1, just don't read any further. I don't need you to read it or review it.
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Gil stood on the front porch of Catherine's house, enjoying the sound of the early morning birds in the trees and the relative quiet of the street. Taking a deep breath, he unlocked the door and quietly walked in.
Catherine was at the sink, doing dishes leftover from her mad dash to work the night before.
"Where's Linds?" he asked looking around.
"It was late so I left her with Maxine." She finished putting dishes in the washer and closed the door. She dried her hands and turned towards him, bracing herself against the counter.
"Are you okay?" Gil asked, setting his keys down on the small table by the door. He shrugged out of his jacket and hung it in the closet, and then walked over to her.
"I'm fine. You did what you had to do, Gil. I just wish." she trailed off.
"What? That it hadn't gotten to that point?" He looked pointedly at her. "You could have walked away, you should have walked away."
"You weren't there, you don't know," Catherine shot back. She did not want to talk about this. She couldn't, not now, maybe not ever.
"That's the point. I don't know. I want you to tell me." Gil's irritation was rising.
"I don't want to talk about it. It's over. It doesn't concern you anyway." She wouldn't meet his eyes.
"God damn it, Catherine. Talk to me! And this does too concern me." Gil shouted, incensed.
"Don't you dare shout at me, Gil Grissom!" Catherine shot back, her face red, but the area where Sara had slapped her was a purple-blue color. "I told you I don't want to talk about it."
"Then what do you want?" His voice softened, as he took in the bruise visible on her face. He reached for her, only to have her shrink back. He sighed as he pulled his arm back. "Do you want me to leave?" He was afraid of her answer.
Catherine's eyes darted to his, then away. "I think for right now, it would be for the best."
He gazed at her for another moment, then turned, grabbed his jacket from the closet and slipped it back on. He walked over to the table to get his keys.
"No! Wait!" she cried, the tears making their way slowly down her cheeks. "I don't want you to leave."
Three strides and she was in his arms, her face buried in his neck, her tears wetting his skin. He held her to him, stroking her hair, and then led her to the couch. He settled her on the couch and sat next to her.
"Cath, what happened?"
"Gil, I really don't want to talk about it. Can we just sit here? I'm going to be on a day schedule for the next few days, and we won't get to spend anytime together. Please?"
Gil sighed. He could see the hurt in her deep blue eyes, but knew he wasn't going to get any information out of her right now. He placed a gentle kiss to her forehead. "I'll drop it for now. But, Catherine, at some point I want you to tell me what went on last night."
"Alright," she said, thankful that he agreed to drop it, and snuggled into his chest, wrapping on arm around him. She didn't want him to know just how much Sara's words had hurt her, had made her doubt herself and the wisdom of having a personal relationship with Gil. She loved him with every fiber of her being and she didn't want to let him go, but yet she was fearful of the repercussions if someone tried to a make an issue of it.
They sat that way for a few minutes, each enjoying the presence of the other and not needing to fill the silence with words. After she heard him yawn for the third time, she suggested that they go to bed; he still had to work that night. Catherine stood and offered him her hand, leading him to the bedroom. She crawled into bed while he took a shower, she hadn't slept at all after coming home, and she knew she wouldn't be sleeping now. What she wanted was to be held, and Gil did that better than anyone she knew.
"Hey," came his soft voice a few minutes later. "You're on my side of the bed." He watched her sit up and saw the bruise on the left side of her face. Sitting on the bed, he gently took her chin in his hand and tilted her head to the side. He gasped when he saw the vivid purple bruise on her left cheek. He traced his finger over the spot gently, and she flinched in pain.
"Yes, it does hurt and I don't want to lay on that side," she said, reading the question in his eyes. "Don't worry. I've had worse."
"You shouldn't have had this one." He knew Catherine could get bitchy at times and mouth off, but he had trouble believing that what she said had deserved a slap like that. From the few words he'd heard, Sara was out of control; apparently Warrick and Nick had thought so too. As Catherine's supervisor, he'd had to be harsh on her, but as her lover, he wanted to protect her. He kissed her softly and was surprised when she opened her mouth and deepened the kiss, her arms wrapping around him. He returned her kiss, pulling her closer to him. After a minute he pulled away slightly, kissing her nose and then her forehead.
"I love you, Catherine," he breathed. He lay down and pulled her onto his chest, holding her tightly, knowing that was what she wanted and needed most. Catherine snuggled closer to him and listened to him breath, Sara's words reverberating in her head. She was tired of fighting those people who assumed because she stripped for a living that she must have also slept around. Nothing could have been further from the truth. She had never and would never 'step out' on the man she was with. She'd had ample opportunities during her marriage, but refused them all. She had been tempted of course, she was human, but she just wasn't 'that' type of woman. What was fine for others wasn't fine with her. They could do as they pleased, she certainly wasn't going to judge them, but she was the one who had to face herself in the mirror, not them. Her conscious was clear on that.
But was that what people really thought of her. That she was a 'glorified whore turned CSI'? She'd never allowed herself to think that, but now she was plagued by self-doubts. Catherine listened as Gil's breathing evened out in sleep. She waited a few more moments until she was sure he was sleeping and eased out of bed. She knew she wasn't going to sleep and she couldn't lie there any longer. Soon she would start fidgeting and wake up Gil; he needed his sleep.
She walked through the house, not finding anything to distract her. She had too much nervous energy for the television and she'd cleaned everything after she'd gotten home. Feeling trapped and on edge, she decided on a run. Running always cleared her mind, helped her focus on what was important. She tiptoed back into her room, grabbed her running gear and went to the main bathroom to dress.
She let herself out of the house quietly and began warm up stretches in the driveway. Ten minutes later she was off to a slow jog, continuing her warm up for about a mile before she broke out into a fast run. Not thinking about where she was going, she ran down the streets heading out of her neighborhood and onto a main street that headed into the heart of Las Vegas. Soon her breathing became labored, but she didn't slow her pace. Catherine felt like the Hounds of Hell were close on her heels and she couldn't run fast enough. The edgy, trapped feeling was worse, if possible. An hour into her run, she stumbled to a stop at a crosswalk, her chest heaving for air, legs feeling like jello. Clinging to sign post, she looked around; she was at the edge of the strip. 'Shit!' She thought. 'I've just run 6 miles.' She stood there for a moment, trying to catch her breath, knowing she was going to have to go 6 miles back. After her breathing calmed a bit, she began the trek home, cursing herself for her inattention. The mid-morning air was hot and Catherine was parched by the time she was halfway home and she half trotted, half walked the rest of the way. Jogging up her driveway, she put the key in the lock and leaned against it, trying to focus; her vision blurry. Suddenly the door opened and she fell into Gil's arms.
"Where the hell have you been?" Gil exclaimed as he helped her inside. "Damn! You're burning up!"
"Running," she gasped out. She started to sway in his arms. Gil quickly helped her onto the floor and pushed her head between her knees.
"Breath deeply. That's it. Through your nose." He rubbed her back and after a few moments she lifted her head. "Better?" He asked.
"Yeah, I need some water," Cath managed and struggled to her feet. Her legs were shaky and Gil all but carried her to the couch.
"Stay here, I'll get it." He was back with a glass of water before her mind even registered that he was gone. "It's tap water, not too cold." She accepted it with shaking hands. "Drink slow." He waited until she had drunk some, and then took a deep breath to calm himself. "What were you thinking, Cath? It's hot out there. You didn't take anything with you. Did you have some water before you started?"
Catherine swallowed some water before answering. "No. I didn't. I didn't think I was going that far." She looked at him and gave him a small smile. "Before I knew it I was at the Strip and had to come all of the way back."
"The Strip?" Gil was incredulous. "Shit, Cath! That's like 12 miles or more."
Catherine smiled at his use of the word 'like'. Lindsey was rubbing off on him. "Tell me about it. I feel everyone of those twelve miles right now." She pushed herself off the couch and onto the floor. "And if I don't stretch out, I'll never be able to move."
Gil watched as she stretched her body out, part of his brain appreciating the long, lean line of her body. She was trying her damndest to pretend that she was okay, but he wasn't fooled. He could see the tension and fatigue around her eyes and the shakiness of her limbs. She needed food and rest. He knew Catherine like the back of his hand. Last night had really upset her and when she was upset, she didn't eat. While she was stretching, he went into the kitchen and popped a bagel in the toaster. He put some grapes on a plate waited on the bagel to be done. 'Red grapes for Cath and green for Lindsey,' he thought to himself. Sometimes, when he thought about it, it amazed him how quickly he learned their routine, assimilating himself into theirs and in turn, they into his. He'd kept his townhouse, but he was rarely ever there. Most of his things were here; even some of his mail had been routed to her house. He snatched the bagel as it popped up and put it on the plate with the grapes.
He carried the plate back to her and set it on the coffee table. "You need to eat. And then get some sleep."
Catherine nibbled at her bagel, her stomach not really wanting food, but she knew she had to eat. She'd really overdone it this morning and was going to be sore later. "How come you're up?"
Gil sat next her and started rubbing her legs, still seeing the slight trembling. "I woke up and you weren't there. I wanted to see if you were okay." He looked at her; slightly irritated at the way she quickly glanced at him, and then back to her plate. Lifting her chin with his fingers, he forced her to meet his eyes. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine, Gil, really," Catherine lied with ease. She hated to lie to him, but she knew if she didn't convince him, he would push the issue and she didn't want him to know exactly what had been said between Sara and her. It would only cause more problems, and he had enough to deal with. So she lied her 'little tail off' as her mother used to say. "I'm just tired. I'll eat this, take a hot bath and go to bed." She leaned over and kissed him quickly, but her lie was bothering her. She did have a conscious and it was in overdrive at the moment. She ate a bit more, drained her glass of water, and stood. "I'm going to take a hot bath." She extended her hand to him, helping him off the floor. "You want to join me?"
"Are you sure? You just got back from running 12 miles, Cath. Maybe you should sleep," he suggested, brushing some hair from her face.
"I'm fine. Besides I need to stretch my muscles." She grinned at him, running her hand down his bare chest, her fingers playing with the waistband of his boxers. "Can you think of a more fun way? Because if you can, I'm all ears."
"Not from where I'm standing," he retorted, smiling at her. "If you're sure, I suppose I could fit it into my busy schedule. But I'm not cleaning up the floor. I did it last time."
"Well if you hadn't filled the tub to the brim, it wouldn't have been that bad. I had two loads of towels to wash after that incident," Catherine laughed, remembering how the water had even gotten the bedroom carpet wet.
"In my defense," Gil spouted, trying to remove her running shirt as they walked. "If you hadn't been distracting me, I wouldn't have forgotten about it."
"Me?" She asked with a snort. "I seem to remember it was you who couldn't keep your hands or your mouth to yourself." Catherine remembered well his caressing hands and his mouth on her breasts. She had never known that Gil was a breast man, but now she took any opportunity she could to tease him about 'his girls'. It had become a running joke between them.
Gil just shrugged his shoulders and gave her a look that said he couldn't help himself. Catherine rolled her eyes at him and went into the bathroom, starting the water and lining the floor with towels. She wasn't going to spend two hours mopping up water.
"You know if you just had a bigger shower, this wouldn't be necessary," Gil complained, gesturing to the towels.
Catherine straightened and pointed to the tub. "I know, but the tub is worth it." Her shower was small, barely big enough for her to shower in, impossible for two people.
"It is nice," Gil admitted, looking over her shoulder, his hands sliding under her sports bra. He kissed her neck, her skin tasting salty from her run. He moved his mouth to her ear, tracing the rim with his tongue. He knew that her ear was 'the spot' for her, and she confirmed it by groaning and digging her nails in to his forearms. "So, how are my girls today?" He whispered, feeling her nipples harden from his caress.
"How do they feel?" she sighed as he continued his slow sensual assault on her ear. She could feel the desire coursing through her, pooling between her legs. What this man could do to her. She turned and lifted her mouth to his, her tongue sliding between his teeth to meet with his.
Gil pulled back long enough to pull off her bra, tossing it out of the way. He pulled her close to him, enjoying the feel of her breasts pressed against his bare chest. "Hey, Cath. You gonna turn off the water?"
"Oh yeah." She quickly turned around and shut the water off. "See what you made me do?" She accused, noting the almost full tub.
"I'll make it up to you. I promise." Gil ran his hands down her waist and tugged at her running shorts.
"You better." Catherine's breath caught in her throat as Gil's lips moved over her navel and lower, his hands pulling her shorts down her legs and tossing them away. Running his hands up her legs, he nudged her thighs apart, his tongue darting out and tasting her, testing her readiness. He wound one arm around her hips, holding her closer to him. Catherine's head fell back and she moaned, "God, Gil." His mouth was doing amazing things to her. She never lasted long this way. He knew exactly where to touch her, with his fingers and tongue; he always had. Her knees felt weak; the only thing holding her up was Gil's arm. Her muscles tensed and she screamed as her orgasm hit her, her vision fading to black, and then slowly returning.
"Damn," she gasped out, her chest heaving for air.
"I told you I'd make it up to you," he quipped, standing next to her. "Come here." He quickly shed his boxers and stepped into the tub, settling against the slanted back. He watched as she climbed in and straddled his hips.
Meeting his gaze, she quirked an eyebrow at him as she positioned herself over him, her eyes sliding shut as she took his length into her.
"Do you know how much I love you?"
Catherine's eyes flew open at his words and the guilt returned. She'd lied to him, but more than that, she was holding part of herself back. Something she swore she'd never do. Part of her wanted to tell him everything, but she felt she had to protect him. She nodded and leaned closer, whispering in his ear, "Show me."
And he did.
Catherine lay in Gil's arms while he slept. She looked at the clock, 3:15. Jane, Lindsey's best friend's mother would be dropping Lindsey off in another hour. Lindsey had choir after school today, and Catherine was grateful for the reprieve. Catherine's body needed sleep, but her mind refused to let her. She felt broken, shattered and nothing could make her whole again. She knew what she needed to do, what she felt she had to do, but she was so afraid. She would hurt Gil, she knew that and she could barely stand the thought of it. The tears slid down her cheeks and she quietly got out of bed. She walked to Lindsey's bathroom, locked the door and slid down the wall. Grabbing a towel and pressing it to her mouth, she broke into the sobs that she'd managed to hold back all day.
Somehow Catherine managed to get through the rest of the evening. Lindsey came home, full of tales from school. There was homework to help with and dinner to make. She pretended to be her normal self, but she really doubted she was fooling Gil or even Lindsey. Several times, she'd catch Gil watching her, a puzzled frown on his face, as if trying to piece together the puzzle of her emotions. She smiled at the appropriate times and even managed a laugh, but it was hollow. She just wanted this evening to be over, for the first time ever, she just wanted it to be time for Gil to leave for work. She hated herself for what she was going to do, but she knew it had to be done. She'd made the phone calls she'd needed to after she'd gotten her crying under control, and everything was in place. It had been surprisingly easy.
What she really wanted to do was to tell him everything. Tell him every word that was exchanged between her and Sara; every doubt and insecurity that she had, and those that had resurfaced. But she wouldn't. She couldn't. Gil was still the supervisor and as long as Sara worked there, she would not tell him anything. It would only put more strain between him and Sara and she didn't want that. He didn't need to hear it and she didn't even know if she could repeat it.
After putting Lindsey to bed, Gil returned to his favorite chair and his crossword while Catherine cleaned up the kitchen. Catherine and Gil had a very active sex life and usually tried to sneak in a 'quickie' before one or both of them headed into work, but Gil didn't seem interested and Catherine sure wasn't. She felt horrible for what she was about to do and for the lie she'd told him. She felt dirty inside and if he made love to her she would transfer that 'dirt' to him.
Catherine found it odd; the entire evening she couldn't wait for Gil to leave, but when he was at the door, kissing her goodbye, she couldn't let go. She clung to him, holding him so tightly her arms hurt.
"Cath, are you sure you're going to be okay?" The concern in his eyes just about killed her. He was the sweetest man, he loved her and no biological father could have loved Lindsey more.
She kissed him fiercely, conveying her love to him with her mouth, something she knew she couldn't put into words at the moment. She could hear the tears in her voice when she assured him that she was just tired and was going to go to bed. After another kiss, he left; she locked the door and she ran to her room, the sobs shaking her body as she curled herself around his pillow and cried. How long she cried, she didn't know, but she woke up promptly at five am, her face puffy, her eyes feeling heavy and the pillow beneath her soaked with tears. She dragged herself from the bed and took a shower, deciding to pack after she was dressed. She'd take Lindsey to her sister's and be back before Gil got home. That was the plan.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Catherine stood in the bedroom as she heard Gil call her name from the living room. "In here," she answered, hoping her nervousness couldn't be heard in her voice. Her bags were packed and in the car, all she had to do was tell Gil. 'Tell Gil,' Catherine thought as she wiped away a stray tear. 'If only it were that easy.' She felt him walk up behind her, his arms going around her waist and she allowed herself the momentary comfort of his arms, before turning to face him. This was going to be the hardest thing she'd ever done, but she knew it was for the best. It very well could blow up in her face and she could lose the one man she'd ever truly loved.
"Why the long face?" He asked her frowning slightly. He could see the moisture in her eyes and it scared him.
"Sit down, I need to tell you something," she said softly, leading him to the bed. Gil sat, confusion and fear written on his face. Taking a deep breath for courage, she faced him, the tears already brimming in her eyes.
"Cath, whatever it is, you can tell me." Gil took her hand in his. "It can't be that bad, can it?" Suddenly he wasn't so sure.
"I uh," Catherine cleared her throat and started again. "I asked Mobley for a leave of absence and he granted it." She watched Gil's face as the words sank in. His eyes became shuttered, closed off. Gil hadn't been like that with her in such a long time. It was the face he showed others, people he didn't want close to him; never to her. "I'll be gone, two, maybe three weeks at the most. I need this time Gil. We need this time." Catherine voice ended on a sob as he pulled his hand from hers as if her touch was unbearable to him.
"Why?" His voice was cold, his eyes like ice.
"Because I need to think. I need to figure out what's best for me."
"And suddenly I'm not it?"
"That's not what I'm saying." The tears were falling in earnest now, unheeded down her cheeks. "I need some time to myself. To get away, to.I can't explain it. I just know it's something I have to do." She knelt in front of him, looking up into his eyes, begging him to understand something that she really didn't. "I love you, Gil, of that I'm sure. And I will be back, but we can't keep doing this." Her words tumbled out in a torrent of feeling. "I won't let our relationship ruin your career. Look at what has already happened. People are questioning your loyalties. They're questioning me, and how I got this job and whether or not I deserve it."
"Is this about Sara? What the fuck did she say to you?"
"No! It's not about Sara or what she said. That's not important, they were words spoken in the heat of the moment. What's important, Gil is that if she's saying it, than others are too." She put her hand on his knee, relieved when he didn't push her away. "Gil, if we continue to.to be together like this and work together," she trailed off momentarily. "We have to choose, Gil. We can't continue to work together and be together," she said, emphasizing 'be'. "One of these days we'll have to make a choice. If we don't, then they will." She caressed his cheek with her other hand. "I love you too much to make you decide between me and your job. Or even lose your job because the wrong person questions your motives."
"She really rattled you, didn't she?"
Catherine blew out a frustrated breath. "Dammit, Gil. Yes, ok, she did. But those thoughts were already there; they've always been there. I need to get my head together and I can't do it here. I can't. Please understand that. I'm not leaving you. I just love you too much to make you go through this with me. I need to decide what I'm going to do. What I need to do."
"It feels like you're leaving me, Cath," Gil whispered, tears sliding slowly down his cheeks. "I can't let you go."
The sight of his tears prompted her own to fall again. "God, Baby, please don't cry. One thing I promise you, I will come back. I will. I love you. You know that. I'd do anything for you, but I won't ruin your career, Gil. Don't ask me to." She leaned up and kissed him, her tears mingling with his.
Gil threaded his fingers through her hair and held her to him. The kiss turned forceful and they pulled away, gasping for breath, and he pressed his forehead to hers.
"Where are you going?"
"Tahoe, I left all the information on the counter for you. I'll have my cell phone, but, Gil don't come after me. Let me have this time. Please." She stood and placed a kiss to the top of his head. "I love you, don't you ever forget that." She turned and walked away, his voice stopping her at the doorway.
"Cath, I'll leave the light on. just in case you get tired of being gone."
She smiled wanly and walked, shoulders sagging, out of the bedroom. The last glimpse she saw of Gil was his blue eyes glistening with tears, watching her leave.