Lord of the rings remade

Chapter 2 - Of the shire and old men

Disclaimer:

Author: NOOOOOOOO must…. not…disclaim….uggh…give…upppp…fine.

Disclaimer: Hmph. I don't own any of these characters. I wish I did, but I didn't… SATISFIED YOU EVIL COPYRIGHT AND LAWYER PEOPLE? Hmph.

On with the story!

(Scene pops up - Frodo is seen practicing his chicken dancing for Bilbo's upcoming birthday party while dialogue saying 'The Shire - 102594 years later' pops up on the screen - Frodo then stops in the middle of his prancing, gets up, smiles happily and runs off… scene switches to an old man in a flourescent pink bathrobe and a pointy pink hat driving along in his cart singing old and outdated songs, Frodo rushes down and stops infront of Gandalf's cart)

Frodo: (attempts to say 'You're late!' (Gandalf drives his cart over him, not noticing the poor Hobbit…BUMP!)

Gandalf: (stops cart) Good heavens, what in the hell was that? (turns around and sees Frodo laying on the ground, quite unnerved and ruffled)

Frodo: (Gets up and brushes himself off - he seems uninjured) 'You're late! Hahahah I, using my extraordinary Hobbit resilience powers, have appeared uninjured by your cart! So, I will be annoying instead and say the same thing, with a twinkle in my cutesy Hobbit eyes to make it seem as if I am loveable!'

Gandalf: (Ignores last part) 'A wizard… is never late, Frodo Baggins of the Shire, nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to… unless, of course, if I get stuck in rush hour traffic along the Road or run over some poor unfortunate animal… yeah…' (winks at Frodo and giggles)

Frodo: (laughs unsuredly, gives a frightened look towards Gandalf) 'Umm…'(whispers to Peter Jackson) 'what am I supposed to do?'

Peter Jackson: (whispers back) 'Just continue on! Ian, I'll deal with you later, you nasty sonofagun...'(motions for Elijah to continue)

Frodo: It's...*ahem* wonderful to see...you... Gandalf? (Reluctantly jumps onto cart and gives Gandalf a small short hug - cart starts moving again through many fields with Hobbits working in them... all of a sudden, a Hobbit is pulled down and disappears, like he has been grabbed by something)

Frodo: (stares for a while, then starts to explain the happenings of the Hobbit disappearance) 'Y'know, it's those pervy Hobbit fanciers... they run into the fields and grab any Hobbit they can' (Gandalf is looking like he wants to try until Frodo gives him a nasty glare)'...anyways, they're mostly those queer ranger folk! Hobbits have been disappearing like hot hobbit pies placed on a windowsill to cool... most of them end back in some part of downtown Hobbiton, dazed and unsure of where they are...Anyhow,' (resumes cutesy Hobbit form) 'how's the news of the outside world! Tell me everything!'

Gandalf: 'Everything? Are you sure you want to know about that horrible night I spent with those pervy dwarves? *shudder* You're far far far far far far far too curious for a Hobbit if you wanna know about that... most unnatural...'

Frodo: 'Uhh...' (speaks to self) 'Mental note: stay away from dwarves! And that pointy hat of Gandalf's... it scares me...'

Gandalf: (continues) 'Well, what can I tell ya? Life in the wide world goes on as much as it has in this past 193667 - 376495 years...full of pervy dwarves!' *shudder* 'Full of it's own comings and goings - people except for me (winks at Frodo and giggles again) are scarcely aware of the existence of Hobbits... for which I am very thankful... I can keep them all to myself I say! Heh heh heh!' (cart moves through the markets of downtown Hobbiton)

Elderly female Hobbit: (waves to Gandalf) 'Hey look, it's Gandalf!' (winks at him, blows a kiss - Frodo looks away, utterly appalled... more Hobbits wave at Gandalf in similar ways)

Frodo: 'Umm, do I wanna know what you've been doing to those poor Hobbits?'

Gandalf: 'No.' (As they are driving by a humungo field, he notices caravans and banners being set up) 'Ohh! A long long long long long long expected party! How is that old rascal?'

Frodo: 'Who? Whazza?'

Gandalf: 'Bilbo, you dimwitted young Baggins!'

Frodo: 'Oooooh...'

Gandalf: 'Meh. I hear it's going to be a party of special magnificence!'

Frodo: 'You know Bilbo...'

Gandalf: (interrupts Frodo) ' Oh, yes.. hee hee hee'
Frodo: (Ignores Gandalf's statement) 'He's got the whole place in an uproar!'

Gandalf: 'Oh, that should please him!'

Frodo: (trying to drop hints about something) 'Half the shire's been invited!'

Gandalf: 'Oh, cool!'

Frodo: 'He's up to something...'

Gandalf: (furrows his eyebrows and thinks) 'Oh, really? I never knew!' (Turns around to face Frodo) 'Whatisit?'

Frodo: 'Fine then. Keep your secrets.'

Gandalf: 'Alllrigggghhhtt........ sure. I have no idea of what you're talking about!'

Frodo: 'You know, before you came along, we Bagginses were very well thought of! No times when you came and ruined our cutesy Hobbit physique... none of that!'

Gandalf: 'If you're referring to the incident where your Uncle broke his leg, I was barely involved! I just drank a little too much ale, you see, and shoved your Uncle out the door, and he fell down the steps and broke his leg! Most people say you become a different person when you are under the influence, so it wasn't me!''

Frodo: 'Well, whatever you did, you've been officially labelled a disturber of the peace!' (Whispers) 'Perv!'

Gandalf: 'Oh, really? Hehe...' (looks behind him, notices the two Sackville-Bagginses glaring at him while Hobbit children chase after Gandalf's cart)

Frodo: 'Oh, don't tell me you've gotten to the children too!' (begins to turn green and hurls over the side of the cart)

Gandalf: 'No, they just like me cause I'm nice to them' (lets off a bunch of fireworks to please the children while Frodo stops being sick and realizes he must be telling the truth... meanwhile, the Sackville-Bagginses continue to glare at Gandalf until he disappears around the corner)

Frodo: ' I'm glad... you're... back?'

Gandalf: 'So am I, dear boy, so am I...(as Frodo jumps off the cart, he gives him a playful smack on the bottom and Frodo runs away from the cart in horror... the cart then proceeds up to Bag End while Gandalf is chuckling, Gandalf gets out of the cart, goes through a gate with the sign 'No admittance... except for Istari', and proceeds up to Bilbo's door.

So, how was it? R&R please, give me suggestions etc. More coming!!!

~Iarroswen~