Chapter 3 - very very old friends
Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings, unfortunately.. though I wish I had…. ah well… stupid lawyers.
A/N: I still have many many chapters to go yet… there's like 40 something on the DVD set, so yeah… not including all of the extended scenes and the new scenes on the extended DVD version… lots lots more to come yet!!!
Recap: Gandalf is knocking on Bilbo's door….
Gandalf: *knocks on Bilbo's door*
Bilbo: *opens door* WE DON'T WANT ANY!!
Gandalf: *laughs* What about very old *ahem friends?
Bilbo: Gandalf? *notices pink bathrobe* Gandalf, what are you doing here…
Gandalf: Don't ask such stupid questions. You know why I'm here… to, umm, help you… with your packing..
Bilbo: *sniff! My dear, dear, dear, dear, Gandalf! It's been so long!
Gandalf: It's very good to see you! Wow.. 111 years old… who would've thought… we've been together for what, 50, 60 years now?
Bilbo: You disgusting man.
Gandalf: I can dream.
Bilbo: Have you been telling rumors about me and you?
Gandalf: *pouts* Well, you haven't aged a day…*grasps Bilbo's shoulders* yeah…*Bilbo smiles unassuredly, Gandalf realizes he's touching Bilbo and takes his hands off* Yeah, sorry my dear friend, it's hard for me to resist!
Bilbo: Resist this! *sticks hairy hobbit feet in Gandalf's face*
GandalfL You do realize, it turns me on?
Bilbo: *laughs* yeah right… anyways, come on in! *whispers* so hopefully I can repel you more…*ahem* Welcome, welcome! Oh, here we are! Okay, that just made no sense. *Relives Gandalf of staff and hat* Agh! The hat… it scares me… Umm, tea? Maybe something a bit stronger? *whispers* so I can kill you..
Gandalf: What?
Bilbo: Uh, nothing. *smiles innocently* Tea? Got a couple of wineyards left… 1296! Verrry good year! Laid down by my father… shall we open one? Maybe I can get you out of the way…
Gandalf: Oh, just tea, thank you… *turns around, knocks head on chandelier* ABERSNUFFLE WHOOEY! *turns around, bumps head on ceiling beam* ARGH GOOGOL!
Bilbo: I was expecting you sometime last week… actually, thank gosh I didn't have you over until now, big hobbit party last Thursday at Gaffer Gamgee's house.. *shudder…who knows what would happen if you were there? Anyways, it doesn't matter… Caught me a bit unprepared for the likes of you… I've only got cold Hobbit pies and pickled beets… oh, cheese! No, that won't do.. umm, raspberry ham, apple smart…*continues muttering to self*
Gandalf: *picks up old map* Ooh, map to more likkle hobbitses!
Bilbo: Oh, found some sponge… cake! Right, sponge cake *ahem
Gandalf: *focuses on map* Shudder… reminds me of dwarves…*drops map, disappears to washroom*
Bilbo: I'd make you some eggs if you want! Uhh, no, not fish eggs… *Notices the absence of Gandalf* You'd better not be in my room!
Gandalf: *appears behind Bilbo* Just tea, thank you…
Bilbo: AGH! Don't you ever scare me like that again. Oh, right… you have your 'hobbit sixth sense' meter running again… Um, you don't mind if I eat, do you?
Gandalf: No, no, go ahead… just hungry for hobbit…
Bilbo: What?
Gandalf: Hust nungry o pobbit…
Bilbo: I guess that's one of your weird spells…
Voice from outside: Bilbo, Bilbo Baggins! Is that Gandalf in there? I want to have a word with him about being around my poor little Hobbit child, Priscilla…
Bilbo: Don't you dare get up! I'm not at home! I've got to get away from these people…Never give me a moment's peace.. I wanna see mountains again! Mountains! *coughdwarfcough*
Gandalf: What?
Bilbo: Hm… wanna find somewhere where I can finish my book, "how to get away from Istari"
Gandalf: Sounds good!
Bilbo: Hehh tea's ready…
Gandalf: So, you're going through with your plan, then?
Bilbo: No crap, sir craphead… wait, that's not in the script…Um, yes, yes, it's all in hand… All arrangements are made…
Gandalf: Which reminds me, Frodo was asking me funny questions this morning…
Bilbo: Of course he suspects something! He's a Baggins! Not some blockheaded bracegirdle from Hardbottle or some idiotic *ahemstormcrowahem*
Gandalf: You will tell, won't you?
Bilbo: Yes, yes…
Gandalf: He's very fond of you…
Bilbo: Right, I think he's still in love with the Shire though… woods, fields, rivers…
Gandalf:… Suzie Woods? Sally Fields? Joan Rivers?
Bilbo: *Ignores Gandalf* I am old… even though I may not look it, I feel it…*palms ring*
Gandalf: *Stares suspiciously*
Bilbo: I feel thin… sort of stretched… like.. umm….. I need a holiday. A very long holiday. And I don't think I shall come back. Ever. Especially because of you…. Gandalf Stormcrow
*scene switches to one with Bilbo and Gandalf smoking pipe weed*
Bilbo: Old Toby - finest weed in whole of South Farthing. *blows smoke ring* SHMEE look!
Gandalf: *grunts his agreement, blows a large heart which breaks Bilbo's ring*
Bilbo: Heyyy…. hmph. Gandalf, this will be a night to remember! After this, I'll be long gone! NO MORE YOU FOR MEEEE! HAHAHAH!
End
Please R/R! I need more suggestions… give your opinion! Flames will be sent to Antartica to keep the poor likkle penguins from freezing. Thanks a lot!!
Iarroswen
Preview: Chapter 4 - A very very long long expected party