Well, due to popular demand, (TweakÕs) hereÕs chapter 2. And donÕt worry, Miri, it gets more original.
The Funniship of the Ring. Book 2.
Or, In Which Slimer Develops An Unnatural Dislike Of Blobbits.
Hoho woke up to the sound of arguing. He wondered where he was, and why his arm felt cold and numb. He opened his eyes to see Tomfool bent over him, groping in his pockets.
"Good old Tom," he murmured.
"You mean greedy old Tom," said Piping. "Why, his pile of loot was..."
His speech was cut short when Tom kicked him swiftly on the shin.
Hoho tried to sit up. "What happened, Tom? Why is my arm cold?" He looked around at the wet ground.
"Well, Mr. Hoho, you were very lucky, I'd say," said Tom.
"Yeah," said Piping. "Lucky to wake up in time. Why, Tom was just about to..."
Once again, a swift kick silenced him.
Tom continued. "When that Paisley Rider threw that thing at you, they suddenly all ran off. I suppose they thought you done for."
"Done for?" cried Hoho, "What did they throw at me?"
Tom grimly held up what was left of the object that was intended for Hoho's demise.
"Oh!" said Hoho weakly, "Why, I could have been, would be..."
"Soaked," finished Tom quietly. He contemplated the pieces of the water balloon thoughtfully. "I suppose they thought you drenched, and what with this wind blowing all the time up here, you could have caught pneumonia. We've been trying to start a fire, but Slimer ran off with all the matches."
Hoho closed his eyes and leaned back, worn out and starting to feel very cold.
Tom wrapped Hoho in a blanket. Just then, Slimer returned.
"Where did you go, you highway robber?" snarled Mary Christmas.
"I, uh, forgot something at the bottom of the hill and I went back to get it," Slimer said lamely.
Tom looked angrily at the man. "Well, your faulty memory almost got Mr. Hoho soaked! If he catches a cold, I hope you live in misery the rest of your life! I hope you contract head lice from a Daft! I hope you get severe toenail fungus and..."
Piping stifled the ranting and raving blobbit.
"So, what do you want me to do?" said Slimer, sullenly.
"Didn't you hear me?" roared Tom, "I hope they have to shave your..."
Piping and Mary stifled the enraged Blobbit.
"For starters," said Piping, who was seated on Tom's stomach, "You can hand over all the matches and start running. I'll give you a ten second head start before I let Tom loose."
"But how are you going to get to Flivenbell without me? Do you know the way? Who's going to carry Hoho across the miles and miles to the house of Sellrond Half-Selfish?"
"Piping," said Mary.
"Mary," said Piping.
"I can see where this is going," muttered Hoho.
"Ten," said Piping.
"No, no, wait!" shouted Slimer.
"Nine."
"You don't understand, see, it was like this..."
"Eight."
"Count faster!" shouted Tom.
Slimer finally got the hint and ran off. The blobbits did not see him again for a long while.
As it turned out, Hoho walked almost all the way to Flivenbell. But since he was in no condition to, the others carried all the baggage.
"I wish we had a pony," said Piping. "I'd call it Bill, and I'd love it, and hug it, and feed it and clean up after it..."
"Clam up," said Mary Christmas. "If I had a nickel for every time you've said that, I'd be richer than the king of Flounder!"
"But," said Hoho, "There is no king in Flounder. The King Thornbush went out to face a Paisley Rider and he never came back. And his infant son he left in Flivenbell to be taught by the lord Sellrond. But that was many years ago. The son may be dead now."
"All right then, I'd be richer that the Sewer of Flounder. Happy now?" asked Mary.
Hoho sighed. "Not much. I wish I wasn't so cold. I can't feel my fingers. Hey, shouldn't we be traveling wearily on?"
"Oh, we don't have to. We all took some nice naps while you were out," said Piping.
They were now traveling in a pass. On one side there was an unsurmountable cliff, and on the other was a sloping hill with many bushes and trees. Their footsteps were echoed in a most eerie manner. All of a sudden, Hoho realized that he heard hoofbeats.
"There is a rider behind us!" he hissed.
Tom took control of the situation.
"Hide!" he yelled.
The blobbits rushed up the hill and hid behind a large bush, which afforded them a view of the road.
The hoofbeats got louder and louder. Then to his horror, Hoho's quick ears picked up the sound of little bells.
"Even worse!" he hissed. "It's a Self! Now be quiet everybody, or he'll hear us!"
The blobbits waited breathlessly for the Self to appear. All of a sudden, the Self came into sight. To their shock, it was a very beautiful woman with black hair, riding on a pure white horse with brightly colored ribbons braided into it's mane and tail.
She would have passed them too, except at that very moment Mary Christmas's hay fever chose that moment to show itself. He sneezed rather loudly.
The Self reined in her horse, removed her headphones and looked up at the bush. She looked very puzzled. Then she started climbing the hill.
"Don't shoot!" yelled Piping, jumping up.
"AAAGGHH!!" said the Self.
But then she saw that it was just a bunch of Blobbits, and she soon stopped jumping up and down.
"Who art thou?" she demanded.
Tom introduced everybody.
"But who are you?" said Tom.
She smiled. "I am Awning, daughter of Sellrond. A few days ago, my beloved returned to Flivenbell bearing the news of four blobbits, one of whom was carrying something very important. My father sent such riders as are powerful enough to resist the Paisley Riders to seek thee."
Piping spoke up. "It seems strange that Sellrond would send out his daughter on such a dangerous mission."
"Well," said Awning, "He did not exactly send me out. I snuck out my bedroom window three nights ago."
"Oh," said Piping.
Hoho suddenly felt very weak. Tom caught him as he swooned. Awning looked concernedly at Hoho.
Tom quickly explained about Weatherornot and the water balloon. He showed the Self maiden the pieces of the implement.
Awning shuddered as she took the balloon.
"There are evil things written on this weapon, though mortal eyes cannot see them unless it is inflated. Handle it as little as you may! No one knows where this kind of thing has been. There are many places in Flivenbell where thou mayest dispose of such trash."
Then she offered to take them to Flivenbell. The blobbits thanked her profusely. She placed Hoho in front of her on the horse, and they started on their way.
The blobbits asked the woman many things about Flivenbell, the lord Sellrond, and other Selves. In return, she asked questions about their journey.
She seemed troubled at the news of Screendor and his company, but she would not say anything except for giving ominous hints.
"I suppose thou knowest something of what to expect, then," she said gravely. And that was all they could get out of her for some while. She seemed to be deep in thought for many miles.
Then they were approaching the end of the pass. Hoho from his vantage point could see a ford some miles ahead.
"That is the Harrison Ford," said Awning, breaking her long silence. "After that, there is a steep dropoff and then Flivenbell. My father long ago diverted the river away from it's original course, and made the Valley. My home used to be under a lake, many years before my birth."
They rode out of the pass. But the welcome reprise from the echoing hoofbeats did not come. Instead, they grew louder.
"Riders! The Paisley Riders!" shouted Tom. "Ride, Awning! I doubt that they would want us, Hoho's the one they're after! Ride, now!"
Hoho looked back for one instant. And in that instant, five Paisley Riders emerged from the pass. They stopped in single file, and the foremost gave a loud howl. Awning wasted no more time, but rode off towards the ford.
"No, wait!" shrieked Mary and Piping, who had serious doubts about the sanity of Tomfool.
Hoho felt the wind in his face. It curled and crept cold fingers into his threadbare clothes and chilled him. His arm felt like ice.
The riders were racing furiously slightly behind them. Then Hoho saw to his horror, that four more riders were trying to cut them off from the ford. The Selfish horse made one more tremendous effort, and Hoho saw that the other four Riders being passed.
Then he felt water around the horse's legs. They were across the ford.
Awning stopped the horse on a small rise on the one side of the river. Nine Paisley Riders were gathered on the opposite side.
"Give up the Blobbit, She-Self!" they cried in deadly voices.
"What wilt thou give me for him?" Awning yelled.
The Riders stopped short and whispered amongst themselves for a moment.
"Uh, we've got three dollars and fifteen, no, seventeen! Yes, three dollars and seventeen cents!" one shouted.
"Plus I'll throw in a years subscription to 'Sports Illustrated'!" said another.
"And a pearl handled jack knife!" shouted another.
"I do not think so," snorted the Self.
"Do you take checks?" said the first.
"Or Visa or Mastercard?" said the second.
"Checks do have a seven day hold, and my father only taketh Discover cards!" shouted Awning.
"Wanna play bubblegum?" said another rider.
"Eenie Meenie Miny Moe?" suggested yet another.
"I am too old for such kiddie stuff!" shouted Awning.
The first Paisley Rider sighed. "I suppose we'll have to do this the hard way." He leapt off of his horse and tested the water with his toe. He shuddered and leaped backwards.
The Riders seemed at a loss. They whispered amongst themselves and two of them went off. They returned a little while later with some long boards. They proceeded to tie them together with their bootlaces and made a bridge.
"Ha! You should have taken the money!" shouted the first.
"Ha! And the jack knife!" said the second.
"Ha! And the subscription to 'Sports Illustrated'!" said the third.
They placed it across the river and started walking their horses across it.
"You should have played bubblegum with us!" said a fourth.
"And Eenie Meenie Miny Moe!" said a fifth.
Awning leapt off of her horse, and taking a small saw out of a bag started to saw at the plank bridge rapidly.
"Don't try to resist us!" shouted the first. "We are more powerful than thee, and that saw couldn't saw through a toothpick!"
The Riders were about five feet from the bank when Awning finished sawing the boards. As a result of the Self maiden's ingenuity, the Riders and their horses were plunged into the ice cold waters and were swept off in the current.
Just then, the other blobbits came up to the bank, and were yelling something about that there was no bridge.
Hoho shivered violently. His arm and feet felt like ice, but the rest of him felt very hot. He felt himself falling.
Well? What do you think? Tell me with a review. Even constructive critisizm. I can take it. *dons Uruk-hai armor and a fierce look*
Which is your favorite character? ItÕs not a poll, itÕs just curiosity. :)
The Funniship of the Ring. Book 2.
Or, In Which Slimer Develops An Unnatural Dislike Of Blobbits.
Hoho woke up to the sound of arguing. He wondered where he was, and why his arm felt cold and numb. He opened his eyes to see Tomfool bent over him, groping in his pockets.
"Good old Tom," he murmured.
"You mean greedy old Tom," said Piping. "Why, his pile of loot was..."
His speech was cut short when Tom kicked him swiftly on the shin.
Hoho tried to sit up. "What happened, Tom? Why is my arm cold?" He looked around at the wet ground.
"Well, Mr. Hoho, you were very lucky, I'd say," said Tom.
"Yeah," said Piping. "Lucky to wake up in time. Why, Tom was just about to..."
Once again, a swift kick silenced him.
Tom continued. "When that Paisley Rider threw that thing at you, they suddenly all ran off. I suppose they thought you done for."
"Done for?" cried Hoho, "What did they throw at me?"
Tom grimly held up what was left of the object that was intended for Hoho's demise.
"Oh!" said Hoho weakly, "Why, I could have been, would be..."
"Soaked," finished Tom quietly. He contemplated the pieces of the water balloon thoughtfully. "I suppose they thought you drenched, and what with this wind blowing all the time up here, you could have caught pneumonia. We've been trying to start a fire, but Slimer ran off with all the matches."
Hoho closed his eyes and leaned back, worn out and starting to feel very cold.
Tom wrapped Hoho in a blanket. Just then, Slimer returned.
"Where did you go, you highway robber?" snarled Mary Christmas.
"I, uh, forgot something at the bottom of the hill and I went back to get it," Slimer said lamely.
Tom looked angrily at the man. "Well, your faulty memory almost got Mr. Hoho soaked! If he catches a cold, I hope you live in misery the rest of your life! I hope you contract head lice from a Daft! I hope you get severe toenail fungus and..."
Piping stifled the ranting and raving blobbit.
"So, what do you want me to do?" said Slimer, sullenly.
"Didn't you hear me?" roared Tom, "I hope they have to shave your..."
Piping and Mary stifled the enraged Blobbit.
"For starters," said Piping, who was seated on Tom's stomach, "You can hand over all the matches and start running. I'll give you a ten second head start before I let Tom loose."
"But how are you going to get to Flivenbell without me? Do you know the way? Who's going to carry Hoho across the miles and miles to the house of Sellrond Half-Selfish?"
"Piping," said Mary.
"Mary," said Piping.
"I can see where this is going," muttered Hoho.
"Ten," said Piping.
"No, no, wait!" shouted Slimer.
"Nine."
"You don't understand, see, it was like this..."
"Eight."
"Count faster!" shouted Tom.
Slimer finally got the hint and ran off. The blobbits did not see him again for a long while.
As it turned out, Hoho walked almost all the way to Flivenbell. But since he was in no condition to, the others carried all the baggage.
"I wish we had a pony," said Piping. "I'd call it Bill, and I'd love it, and hug it, and feed it and clean up after it..."
"Clam up," said Mary Christmas. "If I had a nickel for every time you've said that, I'd be richer than the king of Flounder!"
"But," said Hoho, "There is no king in Flounder. The King Thornbush went out to face a Paisley Rider and he never came back. And his infant son he left in Flivenbell to be taught by the lord Sellrond. But that was many years ago. The son may be dead now."
"All right then, I'd be richer that the Sewer of Flounder. Happy now?" asked Mary.
Hoho sighed. "Not much. I wish I wasn't so cold. I can't feel my fingers. Hey, shouldn't we be traveling wearily on?"
"Oh, we don't have to. We all took some nice naps while you were out," said Piping.
They were now traveling in a pass. On one side there was an unsurmountable cliff, and on the other was a sloping hill with many bushes and trees. Their footsteps were echoed in a most eerie manner. All of a sudden, Hoho realized that he heard hoofbeats.
"There is a rider behind us!" he hissed.
Tom took control of the situation.
"Hide!" he yelled.
The blobbits rushed up the hill and hid behind a large bush, which afforded them a view of the road.
The hoofbeats got louder and louder. Then to his horror, Hoho's quick ears picked up the sound of little bells.
"Even worse!" he hissed. "It's a Self! Now be quiet everybody, or he'll hear us!"
The blobbits waited breathlessly for the Self to appear. All of a sudden, the Self came into sight. To their shock, it was a very beautiful woman with black hair, riding on a pure white horse with brightly colored ribbons braided into it's mane and tail.
She would have passed them too, except at that very moment Mary Christmas's hay fever chose that moment to show itself. He sneezed rather loudly.
The Self reined in her horse, removed her headphones and looked up at the bush. She looked very puzzled. Then she started climbing the hill.
"Don't shoot!" yelled Piping, jumping up.
"AAAGGHH!!" said the Self.
But then she saw that it was just a bunch of Blobbits, and she soon stopped jumping up and down.
"Who art thou?" she demanded.
Tom introduced everybody.
"But who are you?" said Tom.
She smiled. "I am Awning, daughter of Sellrond. A few days ago, my beloved returned to Flivenbell bearing the news of four blobbits, one of whom was carrying something very important. My father sent such riders as are powerful enough to resist the Paisley Riders to seek thee."
Piping spoke up. "It seems strange that Sellrond would send out his daughter on such a dangerous mission."
"Well," said Awning, "He did not exactly send me out. I snuck out my bedroom window three nights ago."
"Oh," said Piping.
Hoho suddenly felt very weak. Tom caught him as he swooned. Awning looked concernedly at Hoho.
Tom quickly explained about Weatherornot and the water balloon. He showed the Self maiden the pieces of the implement.
Awning shuddered as she took the balloon.
"There are evil things written on this weapon, though mortal eyes cannot see them unless it is inflated. Handle it as little as you may! No one knows where this kind of thing has been. There are many places in Flivenbell where thou mayest dispose of such trash."
Then she offered to take them to Flivenbell. The blobbits thanked her profusely. She placed Hoho in front of her on the horse, and they started on their way.
The blobbits asked the woman many things about Flivenbell, the lord Sellrond, and other Selves. In return, she asked questions about their journey.
She seemed troubled at the news of Screendor and his company, but she would not say anything except for giving ominous hints.
"I suppose thou knowest something of what to expect, then," she said gravely. And that was all they could get out of her for some while. She seemed to be deep in thought for many miles.
Then they were approaching the end of the pass. Hoho from his vantage point could see a ford some miles ahead.
"That is the Harrison Ford," said Awning, breaking her long silence. "After that, there is a steep dropoff and then Flivenbell. My father long ago diverted the river away from it's original course, and made the Valley. My home used to be under a lake, many years before my birth."
They rode out of the pass. But the welcome reprise from the echoing hoofbeats did not come. Instead, they grew louder.
"Riders! The Paisley Riders!" shouted Tom. "Ride, Awning! I doubt that they would want us, Hoho's the one they're after! Ride, now!"
Hoho looked back for one instant. And in that instant, five Paisley Riders emerged from the pass. They stopped in single file, and the foremost gave a loud howl. Awning wasted no more time, but rode off towards the ford.
"No, wait!" shrieked Mary and Piping, who had serious doubts about the sanity of Tomfool.
Hoho felt the wind in his face. It curled and crept cold fingers into his threadbare clothes and chilled him. His arm felt like ice.
The riders were racing furiously slightly behind them. Then Hoho saw to his horror, that four more riders were trying to cut them off from the ford. The Selfish horse made one more tremendous effort, and Hoho saw that the other four Riders being passed.
Then he felt water around the horse's legs. They were across the ford.
Awning stopped the horse on a small rise on the one side of the river. Nine Paisley Riders were gathered on the opposite side.
"Give up the Blobbit, She-Self!" they cried in deadly voices.
"What wilt thou give me for him?" Awning yelled.
The Riders stopped short and whispered amongst themselves for a moment.
"Uh, we've got three dollars and fifteen, no, seventeen! Yes, three dollars and seventeen cents!" one shouted.
"Plus I'll throw in a years subscription to 'Sports Illustrated'!" said another.
"And a pearl handled jack knife!" shouted another.
"I do not think so," snorted the Self.
"Do you take checks?" said the first.
"Or Visa or Mastercard?" said the second.
"Checks do have a seven day hold, and my father only taketh Discover cards!" shouted Awning.
"Wanna play bubblegum?" said another rider.
"Eenie Meenie Miny Moe?" suggested yet another.
"I am too old for such kiddie stuff!" shouted Awning.
The first Paisley Rider sighed. "I suppose we'll have to do this the hard way." He leapt off of his horse and tested the water with his toe. He shuddered and leaped backwards.
The Riders seemed at a loss. They whispered amongst themselves and two of them went off. They returned a little while later with some long boards. They proceeded to tie them together with their bootlaces and made a bridge.
"Ha! You should have taken the money!" shouted the first.
"Ha! And the jack knife!" said the second.
"Ha! And the subscription to 'Sports Illustrated'!" said the third.
They placed it across the river and started walking their horses across it.
"You should have played bubblegum with us!" said a fourth.
"And Eenie Meenie Miny Moe!" said a fifth.
Awning leapt off of her horse, and taking a small saw out of a bag started to saw at the plank bridge rapidly.
"Don't try to resist us!" shouted the first. "We are more powerful than thee, and that saw couldn't saw through a toothpick!"
The Riders were about five feet from the bank when Awning finished sawing the boards. As a result of the Self maiden's ingenuity, the Riders and their horses were plunged into the ice cold waters and were swept off in the current.
Just then, the other blobbits came up to the bank, and were yelling something about that there was no bridge.
Hoho shivered violently. His arm and feet felt like ice, but the rest of him felt very hot. He felt himself falling.
Well? What do you think? Tell me with a review. Even constructive critisizm. I can take it. *dons Uruk-hai armor and a fierce look*
Which is your favorite character? ItÕs not a poll, itÕs just curiosity. :)