I own Tolkien. I wrote LotR. IÕm a billionaire from the revenue. And if you believe that you should be placed in the nuthouse.
The Funniship of the Ring. Book 3.
Or, In Which Hoho Delights More Than One Sense In A Culinary Way.
Hoho opened his eyes. At first, he thought he had overslept breakfast, and that his eggs would be ice cold, but then he noticed that the ceiling had skylights. Then he looked closer and he noticed that they weren't skylights at all, but two square holes.
"Where am I, and why are there holes in the ceiling?" he said.
"You are in the house of Sellrond, and as all the guest rooms were full, he had to put you in the room that's being remodeled. It's got a nice view of the stars though, eh? And running water, too, though doubtless you'll find that out soon enough."
Hoho sat up in bed and looked at the speaker. It was none other than the Blizzard, Handoff. Hoho groaned and lay down once more, suddenly feeling nauseous.
"Why are you here?" he demanded rather rudely.
"Why am I here?" said Handoff incredulously, "Why, I was waiting for you, of course, you silly goose! After all, this Ring business might prove to be the biggest business I've ever been involved in."
"Ring?" said Hoho puzzledly, "You mean that old thing that Uncle Dumbo found under the Messy Mountains? It's the only reason that you're here?"
Handoff's face paled and his bright and cheery smile disappeared.
"You do have it, don't you, Hoho? I mean, you're not trying to give me a heart attack? Please oh please oh please tell me you brought it with you from the Mire!"
Hoho held his head. "I, I don't know, I think I might have left it in my other pants."
"You think!?" shrieked the blizzard, grabbing the blobbits shoulders and shaking vigorously, "The Ring is only the single most important piece of weaponry against Moron this age or any age has ever seen and YOU THINK IT'S IN YOUR OTHER PANTS?!?"
A Self came in the door and frowned at the blizzard.
"I have come bearing a message from the lord Sellrond," he said.
"Well, let's have it," said Handoff.
The Self continued. "He hath sent me to invite Mr. Flaggins to a great feast when he is well. But he finished his message with a message for the Blizzard: Beware! Thy jabbering does not bode well with his lordship. Speak softly, and be careful with that big stick that thou carriest always."
With that, the Self departed, though not without a dirty look at the blizzard.
Handoff let go of Hoho's shoulders and stared at the Blobbit.
"You really don't have it?" he said without much hope.
Hoho shook his head glumly. The Blizzard sighed and left the room.
Hoho smiled. He reached into his pocket and pulled an iron chain out, on which dangled a small band of gold. He hung it around his neck and promptly fell out of the bed. He struggled to his feet just as Tom rushed into the room. He ran into his master with a grunt.
"Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Hoho, I didn't mean to do that!" he cried, helping Hoho up.
"It's no problem, Tom," said Hoho.
"Have you been invited to the great feast yet?" queried Tom.
Hoho seemed to remember something about that.
Tom told Hoho that it was about to commence and that they were only awaiting the arrival of the guest of honor.
"Really? Well, they didn't have to wait for me!" said Hoho.
"Well, uh, not exactly Mr. Hoho, uh, Mr. Piping, well..."
"No, Tom, don't tell me! Piping arranged it, huh? Well, don't say anymore and I'll pretend I'm surprised, eh?"
"Have it your own way, Mr. Hoho," murmured Tom.
He escorted Hoho down many of the great halls.
"Tom," said Hoho, "I appreciate this tour, but couldn't we go to the dining room now? I'm getting rather hungry."
"Uh, just a minute, Mr. Hoho, I think it's just through this door, no, it's just another bedroom. I wonder..."
As he walked through the door he ran into a man.
"Oh, I'm so sorry Mr, YOU!?" said Tom.
"Excuse me, you clumsy Blobbit," said the man. It was Slimer.
Hoho spluttered. "How did you get here?"
"I walked," Slimer said.
"Well," said Tom, "You'd better start walking again, and pretty darn fast too, or else I'll pull your nose until your knees start to..."
Hoho managed to stifle the angry Blobbit.
"Where are you going, Slimer?" said Hoho stiffly.
Slimer frowned. "I'm trying to find Dining Room #7. Even after living here all my life, I still can't find what I'm looking for."
The man and the two blobbits wandered around for fifteen minutes or so, when finally they stumbled on the room they were looking for.
There were many Selves seated around a very long table. They all looked bored. Then they caught sight of Hoho and his companions and started clapping and cheering.
"We thought that thou wast dead!" said one of the Selves.
"I almost am," said Hoho. "Where do I sit?"
A Self seated the blobbits. Hoho found himself seated between a Self and a Daft.
"Well?" he said. "Where are my presents?"
"Huh?" said the Self. (And the co-Author)
Hoho looked at the head of the table and to his surprise saw Piping in the largest, shiniest chair he had ever seen. He was eating caviar and lobster and talking up a storm.
"Hey, Mr. Hoho, you aren't too bad an actor!" said Tom.
Hoho buried his head in his hands and tried to keep from leaping at Piping and/or Tom.
After he composed himself, and his appetite returned, he looked around at the people at the table. He looked in awe at the lord Sellrond, of whom so many tales were told. Next to him on his left was Handoff, who was talking loudly with his elbows on the table. Across from Hoho was a man talking to a Self. Apparently the man didn't notice that the Self was sleeping.
On the man's right was the lady Awning. Seated across the table and two or three seats away from her was Slimer. Awning wrinkled her nose at him and smiled. Slimer winked and wiggled his ears at her. Hoho turned away from this disgusting display of affection and buried his sorrows in his mashed potatoes. He was trying to decide whether it looked more like a rabbit than a weasel, when the Daft on his left elbowed him in the stomach.
"You took all the mashed potatoes, you greedy pig!" he hissed.
Hoho, with a mighty 'oof' fell face first into his mashed potatoes.
Hoho wiped his face off and turned to the Daft. He thought he looked familiar.
"Hey," he said. "Aren't you Gl—inthedark? My Uncle Dumbo had an old picture album that he used to show me."
"Yes, you gluttonous hog, I am Gl—inthedark," said the Daft. "Now are you going to share the mashed potatoes or am I going to have to get nasty?"
Just then, Sellrond stood up and rang a tinkly little bell. Immediately all were silent.
"The feast is now over," he said.
There were scattered groans.
"There will be a great council tomorrow. All are invited; provided they are not spies and emmisaries of Moron." Sellrond finished his speech and he and his daughter left the dining room. All followed.
After many false starts, they all found themselves in a great room, with a huge fire at one end. The Selves positioned themselves at the far end of the room, away from the fire save for a few who dared the heat to try and roast some marshmallows and hot dogs. Hoho found himself yawning. He looked at the lord Sellrond's seat where he was sitting next to his daughter.
To Hoho's surprise, Slimer was standing behind her. He suddenly said something to Awning and she jumped three feet in the air. She and Slimer started talking to each other rather rapidly and loudly and waving their arms. Hoho wanted to stay up and watch their odd behavior, but he couldn't keep his eyes open. He wandered off without telling anybody, and somehow found his room after only about an hour. He flopped down on the bed and immediately fell into some much needed sleep.
Tweak and I appreciate any and all reviews.
The Funniship of the Ring. Book 3.
Or, In Which Hoho Delights More Than One Sense In A Culinary Way.
Hoho opened his eyes. At first, he thought he had overslept breakfast, and that his eggs would be ice cold, but then he noticed that the ceiling had skylights. Then he looked closer and he noticed that they weren't skylights at all, but two square holes.
"Where am I, and why are there holes in the ceiling?" he said.
"You are in the house of Sellrond, and as all the guest rooms were full, he had to put you in the room that's being remodeled. It's got a nice view of the stars though, eh? And running water, too, though doubtless you'll find that out soon enough."
Hoho sat up in bed and looked at the speaker. It was none other than the Blizzard, Handoff. Hoho groaned and lay down once more, suddenly feeling nauseous.
"Why are you here?" he demanded rather rudely.
"Why am I here?" said Handoff incredulously, "Why, I was waiting for you, of course, you silly goose! After all, this Ring business might prove to be the biggest business I've ever been involved in."
"Ring?" said Hoho puzzledly, "You mean that old thing that Uncle Dumbo found under the Messy Mountains? It's the only reason that you're here?"
Handoff's face paled and his bright and cheery smile disappeared.
"You do have it, don't you, Hoho? I mean, you're not trying to give me a heart attack? Please oh please oh please tell me you brought it with you from the Mire!"
Hoho held his head. "I, I don't know, I think I might have left it in my other pants."
"You think!?" shrieked the blizzard, grabbing the blobbits shoulders and shaking vigorously, "The Ring is only the single most important piece of weaponry against Moron this age or any age has ever seen and YOU THINK IT'S IN YOUR OTHER PANTS?!?"
A Self came in the door and frowned at the blizzard.
"I have come bearing a message from the lord Sellrond," he said.
"Well, let's have it," said Handoff.
The Self continued. "He hath sent me to invite Mr. Flaggins to a great feast when he is well. But he finished his message with a message for the Blizzard: Beware! Thy jabbering does not bode well with his lordship. Speak softly, and be careful with that big stick that thou carriest always."
With that, the Self departed, though not without a dirty look at the blizzard.
Handoff let go of Hoho's shoulders and stared at the Blobbit.
"You really don't have it?" he said without much hope.
Hoho shook his head glumly. The Blizzard sighed and left the room.
Hoho smiled. He reached into his pocket and pulled an iron chain out, on which dangled a small band of gold. He hung it around his neck and promptly fell out of the bed. He struggled to his feet just as Tom rushed into the room. He ran into his master with a grunt.
"Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Hoho, I didn't mean to do that!" he cried, helping Hoho up.
"It's no problem, Tom," said Hoho.
"Have you been invited to the great feast yet?" queried Tom.
Hoho seemed to remember something about that.
Tom told Hoho that it was about to commence and that they were only awaiting the arrival of the guest of honor.
"Really? Well, they didn't have to wait for me!" said Hoho.
"Well, uh, not exactly Mr. Hoho, uh, Mr. Piping, well..."
"No, Tom, don't tell me! Piping arranged it, huh? Well, don't say anymore and I'll pretend I'm surprised, eh?"
"Have it your own way, Mr. Hoho," murmured Tom.
He escorted Hoho down many of the great halls.
"Tom," said Hoho, "I appreciate this tour, but couldn't we go to the dining room now? I'm getting rather hungry."
"Uh, just a minute, Mr. Hoho, I think it's just through this door, no, it's just another bedroom. I wonder..."
As he walked through the door he ran into a man.
"Oh, I'm so sorry Mr, YOU!?" said Tom.
"Excuse me, you clumsy Blobbit," said the man. It was Slimer.
Hoho spluttered. "How did you get here?"
"I walked," Slimer said.
"Well," said Tom, "You'd better start walking again, and pretty darn fast too, or else I'll pull your nose until your knees start to..."
Hoho managed to stifle the angry Blobbit.
"Where are you going, Slimer?" said Hoho stiffly.
Slimer frowned. "I'm trying to find Dining Room #7. Even after living here all my life, I still can't find what I'm looking for."
The man and the two blobbits wandered around for fifteen minutes or so, when finally they stumbled on the room they were looking for.
There were many Selves seated around a very long table. They all looked bored. Then they caught sight of Hoho and his companions and started clapping and cheering.
"We thought that thou wast dead!" said one of the Selves.
"I almost am," said Hoho. "Where do I sit?"
A Self seated the blobbits. Hoho found himself seated between a Self and a Daft.
"Well?" he said. "Where are my presents?"
"Huh?" said the Self. (And the co-Author)
Hoho looked at the head of the table and to his surprise saw Piping in the largest, shiniest chair he had ever seen. He was eating caviar and lobster and talking up a storm.
"Hey, Mr. Hoho, you aren't too bad an actor!" said Tom.
Hoho buried his head in his hands and tried to keep from leaping at Piping and/or Tom.
After he composed himself, and his appetite returned, he looked around at the people at the table. He looked in awe at the lord Sellrond, of whom so many tales were told. Next to him on his left was Handoff, who was talking loudly with his elbows on the table. Across from Hoho was a man talking to a Self. Apparently the man didn't notice that the Self was sleeping.
On the man's right was the lady Awning. Seated across the table and two or three seats away from her was Slimer. Awning wrinkled her nose at him and smiled. Slimer winked and wiggled his ears at her. Hoho turned away from this disgusting display of affection and buried his sorrows in his mashed potatoes. He was trying to decide whether it looked more like a rabbit than a weasel, when the Daft on his left elbowed him in the stomach.
"You took all the mashed potatoes, you greedy pig!" he hissed.
Hoho, with a mighty 'oof' fell face first into his mashed potatoes.
Hoho wiped his face off and turned to the Daft. He thought he looked familiar.
"Hey," he said. "Aren't you Gl—inthedark? My Uncle Dumbo had an old picture album that he used to show me."
"Yes, you gluttonous hog, I am Gl—inthedark," said the Daft. "Now are you going to share the mashed potatoes or am I going to have to get nasty?"
Just then, Sellrond stood up and rang a tinkly little bell. Immediately all were silent.
"The feast is now over," he said.
There were scattered groans.
"There will be a great council tomorrow. All are invited; provided they are not spies and emmisaries of Moron." Sellrond finished his speech and he and his daughter left the dining room. All followed.
After many false starts, they all found themselves in a great room, with a huge fire at one end. The Selves positioned themselves at the far end of the room, away from the fire save for a few who dared the heat to try and roast some marshmallows and hot dogs. Hoho found himself yawning. He looked at the lord Sellrond's seat where he was sitting next to his daughter.
To Hoho's surprise, Slimer was standing behind her. He suddenly said something to Awning and she jumped three feet in the air. She and Slimer started talking to each other rather rapidly and loudly and waving their arms. Hoho wanted to stay up and watch their odd behavior, but he couldn't keep his eyes open. He wandered off without telling anybody, and somehow found his room after only about an hour. He flopped down on the bed and immediately fell into some much needed sleep.
Tweak and I appreciate any and all reviews.