This is me and TweakÕs favorite chapter. And hey! I just bought LotR for a quarter on eBay! And itÕs off to the nuthouse for you...
After six months, Tookish over at TOR.n is posting this! Yipee!
The Funniship of the Ring. Book 4.
Or, In Which The Choice Of The Members Pleases Sellrond.
Hoho awoke to shouting. He wondered where he was. Then he noticed the holes in the ceiling.
The shouting grew louder.
"Hoi, Butterfinger! Hast thou found the Half-wit yet?" said a voice.
"Nay," said a second voice, which Hoho supposed to belong to Butterfinger. "I cannot find a thing in this place! Why Sellrond does not get a maker of maps in here I do not know."
The first Self lowered his voice. "Dost thou knowest what I heard?"
"No, what?" said Butterfinger eagerly.
"What art thou doing?" a third voice loudly broke in. "Loitering around, I expect. The lord Sellrond shan't be pleased if news gets to him of thy gossiping ways."
"Why thou little..." said the first voice.
"Threaten me not, thou scoundrel!" said the third voice.
There were some sounds of scuffling and shouting and muffled curses. Hoho decided it would be a good time to get up.
He opened the door to see three Selves rolling around on the floor fighting. The scuffle was soon broken up when Hoho beat them with a chair and yelled for them to stop.
"Didst thou have to hit me in mine eye?" said Butterfinger.
"What is this all about?" said Hoho.
"No one couldst find you last night. All supposed that you had wandered off and either were desperately lost or found by the Paisley Riders. The lord Sellrond sent all who know the ways of this house-"
"Precious little are there," muttered the Self belonging to the first voice.
"Hush thee, Dustrag! Thou knowest very well that there are none!" cried Butterfinger.
"Anyway, it is time for the great council to begin. Alas, thou hast no time for breakfast! So I have brought thee an oatmeal sandwich."
Hoho looked at the sloppy thing that Butterfinger offered him. He recoiled in disgust.
"Uh, no thanks. I'm not hungry." he said.
Hoho and the three Selves wandered around trying to find the council room. Finally, after about two hours, they arrived.
All gathered stood up and cheered.
"Once again, beyond all hope, thou hast returned to us!" cried a Self.
"We thought that thou wast dead, Hoho," said Sellrond, who looked rather perturbed.
"I almost am," said Hoho, who was feeling rather faint. "Where's that oatmeal sandwich?"
"No time for eating!" cried Handoff. "We have better things to discuss."
"I noticed that you finished your Egg McMuffin before you said that, Handoff," sneered Tomfool.
Sellrond looked sharply at Handoff. "No one brings McDonald's food in this house, Handoff the Gloomy."
Tomfool snickered.
"And thou," said Sellrond turning to him, "Are not even supposed to be here! This is a private council. We are going to be discussing important things, beyond the reach of thy puny thought. Begone ere I lose my temper with thee! Butterfinger!"
"Yes?" said the Self.
"Take care of this blobbit, understand?" he said looking hard at Butterfinger.
Tomfool was ushered off the porch.
Hoho, meanwhile was looking around at the people gathered. There was the man he had seen earlier at the feast. He was talking to a sleeping Self. A group of Selves were gathered whispering and giggling off in a corner. Hoho noticed one of them was in a wheelchair. Slimer was sulking in a corner, dressed in dirty patched clothes. Seated next to Gl—inthedark was a younger version of the Daft.
The Daft felt the blobbit's gaze upon him and returned it. Anger and hate burned in his blood red eyes. "What're you staring at?" snarled Gl—inthedark.
Hoho was saved by Sellrond standing up. All grew silent, save for loud music blaring from inside the house.
"I am certain all gathered know why we are gathered here," he said looking aroud.
"Um," said Hoho uncertainly, "I actually have no idea why we are here."
"I am sure that it shall be explained to thee by those who know," said Sellrond.
"Like who?" said Handoff.
"From the likes of thyself," explained the Self.
"Uh," said the blizzard, racking his memory.
Sellrond groaned. "Tell me not that I am the only person here who knoweth what is going on!"
"Apparently you are!" cried Handoff. "Isn't that funny? Har har har!" Sellrond's face twitched. He took a deep breath. "It will be explained in due time. You cannot finish a puzzle without finding all the pieces.
"I like puzzles!" broke in Handoff. "Do you mean those little plastic slidy puzzles, or those cardboard ones that..."
"Maybe he means something in the history of puzzles," said Gl—inthedark. "Beginning in the year 1280..."
Sellrond continued in a somewhat louder voice.
"Some of thee are pieces of the puzzle which concerns us now. All pieces have a story."
"I told you!" cried Glointhedark.
Sellrond began shouting louder.
"No doubt some of thee have stories which will help us complete the puzzle. I turn first to thee, Boring. Why are you here?" He turned to the man who somehow caused everyone within earshot to fall asleep. The man stood up.
"I am Boring, son of Dinosaur, Sewer of Flounder," the man said. "The reason I am here is about a year ago a message came to my brother in a dream after he ate chocolate before bed. Since chocolate is his favorite before bed snack, he had this dream often. It also came once to me, since he asked me to try it once, but the one time I tried it I felt sick in the morning so I didn't do it again. I've tried to get him to try my favorite before bed snack, but he says he's allergic to sardines, which is silly, because once at my father's 65th birthday party I saw him eat seventeen..."
"But," interrupted Sellrond, "What was thy dream?"
"My dream was this," said Boring. He stood up tall, and in a deep voice said:
"I dreamed that it was dark. But in the west a pale light lingered, and a voice, far away yet clear spake strange words."
"Spoke," interrupted Hoho.
"Huh?" said Boring.
"Spaken," said Handoff.
"What?" said Boring.
"Spukien," said Butterfinger.
"Pardon me?" said Boring.
"Spaketh," said Tom.
"I thought I commanded thee to get him out of here!" roared Sellrond.
Boring, heedless of the Self continued in a sing-song voice.
'"One dark night in the middle of the day,
two dead boys went out to play.
Back to back they faced each other,
drew their swords and shot each other.
Two deaf policemen heard the noise,
came and shot the two dead boys.
If you think my tale is tall,
just ask the blind man,
for he saw it all.'
Then a gopher in a tuxedo with a vegetable platter in his fin asked me if I had any shrimp sauce for his french fries, and I gave him this really old sock and told him to beat it if he didn't want to get a schnauzer right in the kisser, and he gave me a look that said 'eat me' so I did and I got a wart on my left heel and I woke up and there was this." He bent over and removed his shoe and sock and there, just as he said, was a wart on his left heel.
"I heard that you were really good with natural remedies, so I and my father were wondering if you had any really good wart cream? Because after all, it wouldn't do to be the heir to the Sewer and have warts, would it? And I couldn't go to any doctor in Flounder, because they are all really big blabbermouths and faint at the sight of blood, and..."
Sellrond held up his hand. "Yes, yes, I have wart cream, I'll give it to you when this council is over." He sighed and gritted his teeth.
"I have a story!" cried Handoff. Tom got up and left.
And before anybody could stop the blizzard, he commenced, saying...
"It was dark. I was going up to Ithinc, because Radicalhat had said that Sillyman had sent him to tell me that he had sent him to find me to tell me to tell him that he was on his way to Ithinc. So I told him to send some bears and send some eagles and send some barracuda and send some kitties and then I sent myself. As I walked up the long stair, I felt really queasy so I barfed right then and there and Sillyman got really angry and asked what took me so long because he had sent Radicalhat to tell me to tell him to tell himself that I had told him to tell him that I had told him that I was sending myself, and then he sent forth a message that sounded that he had rehearsed in front of a mirror for days, which I wouldn't be surprised at, the big ham, and then he said that it might sound better with music so he pulled out his guitar and started singing the blues.
The Elder days are gone,
the Middle days are ending,
the Younger days are beginning,
the days which we must rule.
Yeah, I've got the blues,
the power hungry blues.
We all must stand together,
to accomplish this plan of mine,
but to start with I need news of the Ring,
which is ever on my mind.
And then he sent forth a guitar solo which as well as I can remember went something like a, a, c, e, d, b flat, f sharp, f, a, b, no, the second 'a' was a chord..."
"Enough!" roared Sellrond.
"I laughed in his face," continued Handoff, "And he locked me up on the top of the tower and left me to myself. It was dark, and stormy. The wind went 'whoosh! whoosh!' and the rain went 'pitter patter, pitter patter' and the thunder went 'BOOM! BOOM!' and the moths went 'flutter flutter flutter' and then they went 'splat, splat' 'cause I don't like moths and then I went 'think think' 'cause I wanted to get off 'cause it was dark and I don't like the dark and then I went 'thunk' 'cause I was pacing the tower and I guess I paced too far and I fell off."
"Did you happen to hit your head very hard when you fell off, Handoff?" asked Hoho.
"Huh?" said the blizzard. "Then I made my way to the lands of the Horsy People and stole, er, borrowed a horse and then I made my way back here. I galloped and galloped and galloped and galloped and trotted and trotted and cantered and cantered and cantered and then I walked and walked and walked 'cause my horse (Bumblefax) didn't like me and then I made my way here, ok?"
Sellrond gnashed his teeth, and his eyes were all wide and terrible. He turned to the Self in the wheelchair.
"What have you to say, Legless?" he croaked.
The Self looked puzzled. "Would you repeat the question?" he said.
Sellrond half rose out of his chair and leaned towards him. "What," he said slowly, "Do you have to say, Legless?"
The Self wheeled himself to the middle of the porch. "I fear the news I carry is not very good. The creature Solemn, which was brought to us to keep by Slimer here, and instructed by Handoff here to keep safe, and counseled by Sellrond here to keep safe in a doggoned dingbatted deep dark dank ding-donged dungeon, doomed for eternity, who has the fate of the free world on his shoulders..."
"Are you trying to make a point or do you just like words beginning with 'D'?" asked Butterfinger.
"Uh," said Legless, "Well, anyway he escaped."
"WHAT?" shouted Slimer, jumping out of his corner and grabbing the Self around the neck. "How could you? Do you know how long I spent looking for that miserable creature? Two whole days! Two whole days wasted! I don't deserve this!"
"What's his problem?" asked Boring.
Sellrond sighed. "His problem is that I mistakenly told him his true heritage."
"How could that create a problem?" asked Hoho.
"So I thought also. But alas, his pride is great, and the greatness of his heritage proved too great a strain. He succumbed to snobbishness." said Sellrond sadly. "He was given into my care when he was just a wee lad. I raised him like a son, and this is how he treats me. It's always 'This food isn't fit for my consumption.' 'These clothes aren't good enough for me.' It maketh me sick."
"But," said Legless, "What title does he bear that is worthy of such behavior?"
"I'm the king of Flounder!" shouted Slimer. "And since I don't deserve such a stupid name as Slimer, I take now my true name, Arrogant son of Thornbush!"
"Oh boy," said Dustrag, "Here we go again."
"Yes!" ranted Arrogant, "I it was who trailed Solemn even to the very gates of Mortar! I who caught him and drove him all the way to the Wood Selves kingdom in Smirkwood!"
He raved up and down the porch, detailing everything he had ever done, embellishing it to the point of nausea.
Sellrond's eyes were no longer wild and terrible. Instead they were glazed, and Hoho knew he was thinking of a better place, a place where there was no Arrogant son of Thornbush. Hoho knew this because he was thinking of the same thing himself. He wondered how he could bring this sort of thing about.
Arrogant noticed how everyone was ignoring him, and stopped speaking. He sat down in a huff.
"Fine," he said. "If you guys don't want to better yourselves, listen to inferior counsels. See if I care when you come running to me when your foolish plans crumble to dust." He raised his nose in the air and in all appearances appeared to be ignoring everyone.
Sellrond shook himself out of his reverie and turned to the Dafts.
"And what tale hast thou to tell?" he enquired.
Gl—inthedark looked at the Daft at his side. The other daft looked back.
"Well, Wimpy, tell him." said Gl—inthedark.
Wimpy looked puzzled. "I thought you knew," he whispered.
"No, I don't know. You knew."
"I do not!"
"Are you calling me a liar?"
"All right now! Calm thyselves!" cried Sellrond. But for the moment his cries were unheeded. People were shouting. Selves were arguing. The council was in turmoil. Then someone threw a chair. It hit Boring right in the head. He pulled out his sword and things might have gotten nasty if Hoho hadn't jumped up just then.
"I'll do it!" he screeched. "I'll do whatever we've come here to discuss! I don't know what it is, but it can't be as bad as what I've gone through already today."
The council was suddenly silent. Everyone stared at him in awe.
"Do I hear you correctly, Hoho Flaggins?" said Sellrond seriously.
Hoho nodded.
"You will do this alone, if need be?"
Hoho nodded again, slower this time.
"You shall all be witnesses to this," said the Self looking at the council. "Hoho, I admire your courage. I must admit, I never thought I would see any so brave and yet so foolish. Even I dare not even think of starting what thou hast sworn to finish."
Hoho wondered what he had gotten himself into. He soon found out.
"Now," said Sellrond speaking to the council. "I cannot think of sending Hoho on such a dangerous mission alone. One does not simply walk into Mortar."
"WHAT?" yelped Hoho. "MORTAR? WHAT'S THIS ABOUT MORTAR? Surely you don't expect me to go to Mortar! I'm just a little Blobbit! What business would a little old blobbit have in such a place?"
"Have you not been listening, Hoho?" said Sellrond.
"Well," admitted Hoho, "Maybe not exactly to every single word that's been said, but..."
"Well then," said Sellrond, "You must have missed something vital. But now I need to pick companions for thy journey. Now, let's see, who would be an asset to thee?"
He mulled over who he would rather have out of his sight for a while.
"The company of Hoho shall be a nice square number. But it shall not be one, neither shall it be four, nor sixteen, nor twenty-five, nor even thirty-six. The number of the companions shall be nine."
"What a coincidence!" said Handoff. "Nine companions, just as there are Nine Paisley Riders! That way, if they were ever to meet, the Companions won't be outnumbered! How clever!"
"Yes," said Sellrond. "And I am sure your wisdom in guessing my reason will come in very handy for them. For there shall be times when wisdom shall be needed: to choose from dark, darker, and darkest, and to help in hopeless situations. Thank thee for volunteering, Handoff the Gloomy."
"What?" said Handoff. "Did I miss something here?"
Wimpy snickered. Sellrond turned to him.
"And I am sure that thy sense of humor shall also come in handy. There will not be much to laugh about, for thy journey shall be one of sorrow fraught with terror."
Hoho felt like he was going to cry. Boring handed him a handkerchief.
"And thy sympathy for the Blobbit will be much appreciated when he loses all he has worked for, and all that he loves. And when the night comes, and your loss is most felt, that is when comfort, however comforting, shall be useless. And anyway, Flounder is right on the way to Mortar. So you shall be the fourth member of these companions. And since you are going to Flounder, why not take it's next king, Arrogant son of Thornbush? Yes, now there are only four places to fill."
Sellrond was having the time of his life. He felt like kicking himself, however, when he thought that he could have picked a lovely (and larger) prime number, like eleven, instead of constricting himself to just nine people that he hated.
"And, Boring, you say that the doctors in Flounder are very good?"
"Well," said Boring, "No, actually I said that..."
"And Legless, I am certain that the doctors of Flounder can heal thee. Now only three spaces left. I might find some members of my household that I hate, er, can send."
All of a sudden, three blobbits burst from the bushes, with drawn swords. They surrounded Sellrond.
"We've got to leave here, Hoho!" cried Tomfool. "Do you know what Piping found? Tell 'em, Pipe!"
"I was lost," said Piping, "And I wandered into the kitchen by mistake, and do you know, that what we thought was roast beef last night? It was in fact..."
"Ahhh!" said Sellrond, clapping his hand over the blobbits mouth. "And now we have the full nine companions! And you shall be, the Funniship," he spat, "Of the Ring!"
The nine unwilling companions looked at each other with apprehension. Each wondered how they would react to something dangerous. Hoho thought he could guess.
"Thou shalt start out early tomorrow morning. You cannot have too early a start," said Sellrond. "And to avoid suspicion, thou shalt go disguised as a travelling circus. Hmm, now let's see, ok, you're a freak, you're a freak, you three are freaks, oh, what the heck! You can all be freaks for all I care! I shall send messages such as I can, to those that I know in the world. Maybe. If thou art good. Now off to bed with thee! It's early to bed, early to rise for you."
And with that, the council was dismissed. Somehow, Hoho felt cheated.
For some reason, the nine companions could not sleep, if only because of the wild partying going on in deeper parts of the house. Handoff wondered why he wasn't invited, as he drifted off to some nightmarish dream.
After six months, Tookish over at TOR.n is posting this! Yipee!
The Funniship of the Ring. Book 4.
Or, In Which The Choice Of The Members Pleases Sellrond.
Hoho awoke to shouting. He wondered where he was. Then he noticed the holes in the ceiling.
The shouting grew louder.
"Hoi, Butterfinger! Hast thou found the Half-wit yet?" said a voice.
"Nay," said a second voice, which Hoho supposed to belong to Butterfinger. "I cannot find a thing in this place! Why Sellrond does not get a maker of maps in here I do not know."
The first Self lowered his voice. "Dost thou knowest what I heard?"
"No, what?" said Butterfinger eagerly.
"What art thou doing?" a third voice loudly broke in. "Loitering around, I expect. The lord Sellrond shan't be pleased if news gets to him of thy gossiping ways."
"Why thou little..." said the first voice.
"Threaten me not, thou scoundrel!" said the third voice.
There were some sounds of scuffling and shouting and muffled curses. Hoho decided it would be a good time to get up.
He opened the door to see three Selves rolling around on the floor fighting. The scuffle was soon broken up when Hoho beat them with a chair and yelled for them to stop.
"Didst thou have to hit me in mine eye?" said Butterfinger.
"What is this all about?" said Hoho.
"No one couldst find you last night. All supposed that you had wandered off and either were desperately lost or found by the Paisley Riders. The lord Sellrond sent all who know the ways of this house-"
"Precious little are there," muttered the Self belonging to the first voice.
"Hush thee, Dustrag! Thou knowest very well that there are none!" cried Butterfinger.
"Anyway, it is time for the great council to begin. Alas, thou hast no time for breakfast! So I have brought thee an oatmeal sandwich."
Hoho looked at the sloppy thing that Butterfinger offered him. He recoiled in disgust.
"Uh, no thanks. I'm not hungry." he said.
Hoho and the three Selves wandered around trying to find the council room. Finally, after about two hours, they arrived.
All gathered stood up and cheered.
"Once again, beyond all hope, thou hast returned to us!" cried a Self.
"We thought that thou wast dead, Hoho," said Sellrond, who looked rather perturbed.
"I almost am," said Hoho, who was feeling rather faint. "Where's that oatmeal sandwich?"
"No time for eating!" cried Handoff. "We have better things to discuss."
"I noticed that you finished your Egg McMuffin before you said that, Handoff," sneered Tomfool.
Sellrond looked sharply at Handoff. "No one brings McDonald's food in this house, Handoff the Gloomy."
Tomfool snickered.
"And thou," said Sellrond turning to him, "Are not even supposed to be here! This is a private council. We are going to be discussing important things, beyond the reach of thy puny thought. Begone ere I lose my temper with thee! Butterfinger!"
"Yes?" said the Self.
"Take care of this blobbit, understand?" he said looking hard at Butterfinger.
Tomfool was ushered off the porch.
Hoho, meanwhile was looking around at the people gathered. There was the man he had seen earlier at the feast. He was talking to a sleeping Self. A group of Selves were gathered whispering and giggling off in a corner. Hoho noticed one of them was in a wheelchair. Slimer was sulking in a corner, dressed in dirty patched clothes. Seated next to Gl—inthedark was a younger version of the Daft.
The Daft felt the blobbit's gaze upon him and returned it. Anger and hate burned in his blood red eyes. "What're you staring at?" snarled Gl—inthedark.
Hoho was saved by Sellrond standing up. All grew silent, save for loud music blaring from inside the house.
"I am certain all gathered know why we are gathered here," he said looking aroud.
"Um," said Hoho uncertainly, "I actually have no idea why we are here."
"I am sure that it shall be explained to thee by those who know," said Sellrond.
"Like who?" said Handoff.
"From the likes of thyself," explained the Self.
"Uh," said the blizzard, racking his memory.
Sellrond groaned. "Tell me not that I am the only person here who knoweth what is going on!"
"Apparently you are!" cried Handoff. "Isn't that funny? Har har har!" Sellrond's face twitched. He took a deep breath. "It will be explained in due time. You cannot finish a puzzle without finding all the pieces.
"I like puzzles!" broke in Handoff. "Do you mean those little plastic slidy puzzles, or those cardboard ones that..."
"Maybe he means something in the history of puzzles," said Gl—inthedark. "Beginning in the year 1280..."
Sellrond continued in a somewhat louder voice.
"Some of thee are pieces of the puzzle which concerns us now. All pieces have a story."
"I told you!" cried Glointhedark.
Sellrond began shouting louder.
"No doubt some of thee have stories which will help us complete the puzzle. I turn first to thee, Boring. Why are you here?" He turned to the man who somehow caused everyone within earshot to fall asleep. The man stood up.
"I am Boring, son of Dinosaur, Sewer of Flounder," the man said. "The reason I am here is about a year ago a message came to my brother in a dream after he ate chocolate before bed. Since chocolate is his favorite before bed snack, he had this dream often. It also came once to me, since he asked me to try it once, but the one time I tried it I felt sick in the morning so I didn't do it again. I've tried to get him to try my favorite before bed snack, but he says he's allergic to sardines, which is silly, because once at my father's 65th birthday party I saw him eat seventeen..."
"But," interrupted Sellrond, "What was thy dream?"
"My dream was this," said Boring. He stood up tall, and in a deep voice said:
"I dreamed that it was dark. But in the west a pale light lingered, and a voice, far away yet clear spake strange words."
"Spoke," interrupted Hoho.
"Huh?" said Boring.
"Spaken," said Handoff.
"What?" said Boring.
"Spukien," said Butterfinger.
"Pardon me?" said Boring.
"Spaketh," said Tom.
"I thought I commanded thee to get him out of here!" roared Sellrond.
Boring, heedless of the Self continued in a sing-song voice.
'"One dark night in the middle of the day,
two dead boys went out to play.
Back to back they faced each other,
drew their swords and shot each other.
Two deaf policemen heard the noise,
came and shot the two dead boys.
If you think my tale is tall,
just ask the blind man,
for he saw it all.'
Then a gopher in a tuxedo with a vegetable platter in his fin asked me if I had any shrimp sauce for his french fries, and I gave him this really old sock and told him to beat it if he didn't want to get a schnauzer right in the kisser, and he gave me a look that said 'eat me' so I did and I got a wart on my left heel and I woke up and there was this." He bent over and removed his shoe and sock and there, just as he said, was a wart on his left heel.
"I heard that you were really good with natural remedies, so I and my father were wondering if you had any really good wart cream? Because after all, it wouldn't do to be the heir to the Sewer and have warts, would it? And I couldn't go to any doctor in Flounder, because they are all really big blabbermouths and faint at the sight of blood, and..."
Sellrond held up his hand. "Yes, yes, I have wart cream, I'll give it to you when this council is over." He sighed and gritted his teeth.
"I have a story!" cried Handoff. Tom got up and left.
And before anybody could stop the blizzard, he commenced, saying...
"It was dark. I was going up to Ithinc, because Radicalhat had said that Sillyman had sent him to tell me that he had sent him to find me to tell me to tell him that he was on his way to Ithinc. So I told him to send some bears and send some eagles and send some barracuda and send some kitties and then I sent myself. As I walked up the long stair, I felt really queasy so I barfed right then and there and Sillyman got really angry and asked what took me so long because he had sent Radicalhat to tell me to tell him to tell himself that I had told him to tell him that I had told him that I was sending myself, and then he sent forth a message that sounded that he had rehearsed in front of a mirror for days, which I wouldn't be surprised at, the big ham, and then he said that it might sound better with music so he pulled out his guitar and started singing the blues.
The Elder days are gone,
the Middle days are ending,
the Younger days are beginning,
the days which we must rule.
Yeah, I've got the blues,
the power hungry blues.
We all must stand together,
to accomplish this plan of mine,
but to start with I need news of the Ring,
which is ever on my mind.
And then he sent forth a guitar solo which as well as I can remember went something like a, a, c, e, d, b flat, f sharp, f, a, b, no, the second 'a' was a chord..."
"Enough!" roared Sellrond.
"I laughed in his face," continued Handoff, "And he locked me up on the top of the tower and left me to myself. It was dark, and stormy. The wind went 'whoosh! whoosh!' and the rain went 'pitter patter, pitter patter' and the thunder went 'BOOM! BOOM!' and the moths went 'flutter flutter flutter' and then they went 'splat, splat' 'cause I don't like moths and then I went 'think think' 'cause I wanted to get off 'cause it was dark and I don't like the dark and then I went 'thunk' 'cause I was pacing the tower and I guess I paced too far and I fell off."
"Did you happen to hit your head very hard when you fell off, Handoff?" asked Hoho.
"Huh?" said the blizzard. "Then I made my way to the lands of the Horsy People and stole, er, borrowed a horse and then I made my way back here. I galloped and galloped and galloped and galloped and trotted and trotted and cantered and cantered and cantered and then I walked and walked and walked 'cause my horse (Bumblefax) didn't like me and then I made my way here, ok?"
Sellrond gnashed his teeth, and his eyes were all wide and terrible. He turned to the Self in the wheelchair.
"What have you to say, Legless?" he croaked.
The Self looked puzzled. "Would you repeat the question?" he said.
Sellrond half rose out of his chair and leaned towards him. "What," he said slowly, "Do you have to say, Legless?"
The Self wheeled himself to the middle of the porch. "I fear the news I carry is not very good. The creature Solemn, which was brought to us to keep by Slimer here, and instructed by Handoff here to keep safe, and counseled by Sellrond here to keep safe in a doggoned dingbatted deep dark dank ding-donged dungeon, doomed for eternity, who has the fate of the free world on his shoulders..."
"Are you trying to make a point or do you just like words beginning with 'D'?" asked Butterfinger.
"Uh," said Legless, "Well, anyway he escaped."
"WHAT?" shouted Slimer, jumping out of his corner and grabbing the Self around the neck. "How could you? Do you know how long I spent looking for that miserable creature? Two whole days! Two whole days wasted! I don't deserve this!"
"What's his problem?" asked Boring.
Sellrond sighed. "His problem is that I mistakenly told him his true heritage."
"How could that create a problem?" asked Hoho.
"So I thought also. But alas, his pride is great, and the greatness of his heritage proved too great a strain. He succumbed to snobbishness." said Sellrond sadly. "He was given into my care when he was just a wee lad. I raised him like a son, and this is how he treats me. It's always 'This food isn't fit for my consumption.' 'These clothes aren't good enough for me.' It maketh me sick."
"But," said Legless, "What title does he bear that is worthy of such behavior?"
"I'm the king of Flounder!" shouted Slimer. "And since I don't deserve such a stupid name as Slimer, I take now my true name, Arrogant son of Thornbush!"
"Oh boy," said Dustrag, "Here we go again."
"Yes!" ranted Arrogant, "I it was who trailed Solemn even to the very gates of Mortar! I who caught him and drove him all the way to the Wood Selves kingdom in Smirkwood!"
He raved up and down the porch, detailing everything he had ever done, embellishing it to the point of nausea.
Sellrond's eyes were no longer wild and terrible. Instead they were glazed, and Hoho knew he was thinking of a better place, a place where there was no Arrogant son of Thornbush. Hoho knew this because he was thinking of the same thing himself. He wondered how he could bring this sort of thing about.
Arrogant noticed how everyone was ignoring him, and stopped speaking. He sat down in a huff.
"Fine," he said. "If you guys don't want to better yourselves, listen to inferior counsels. See if I care when you come running to me when your foolish plans crumble to dust." He raised his nose in the air and in all appearances appeared to be ignoring everyone.
Sellrond shook himself out of his reverie and turned to the Dafts.
"And what tale hast thou to tell?" he enquired.
Gl—inthedark looked at the Daft at his side. The other daft looked back.
"Well, Wimpy, tell him." said Gl—inthedark.
Wimpy looked puzzled. "I thought you knew," he whispered.
"No, I don't know. You knew."
"I do not!"
"Are you calling me a liar?"
"All right now! Calm thyselves!" cried Sellrond. But for the moment his cries were unheeded. People were shouting. Selves were arguing. The council was in turmoil. Then someone threw a chair. It hit Boring right in the head. He pulled out his sword and things might have gotten nasty if Hoho hadn't jumped up just then.
"I'll do it!" he screeched. "I'll do whatever we've come here to discuss! I don't know what it is, but it can't be as bad as what I've gone through already today."
The council was suddenly silent. Everyone stared at him in awe.
"Do I hear you correctly, Hoho Flaggins?" said Sellrond seriously.
Hoho nodded.
"You will do this alone, if need be?"
Hoho nodded again, slower this time.
"You shall all be witnesses to this," said the Self looking at the council. "Hoho, I admire your courage. I must admit, I never thought I would see any so brave and yet so foolish. Even I dare not even think of starting what thou hast sworn to finish."
Hoho wondered what he had gotten himself into. He soon found out.
"Now," said Sellrond speaking to the council. "I cannot think of sending Hoho on such a dangerous mission alone. One does not simply walk into Mortar."
"WHAT?" yelped Hoho. "MORTAR? WHAT'S THIS ABOUT MORTAR? Surely you don't expect me to go to Mortar! I'm just a little Blobbit! What business would a little old blobbit have in such a place?"
"Have you not been listening, Hoho?" said Sellrond.
"Well," admitted Hoho, "Maybe not exactly to every single word that's been said, but..."
"Well then," said Sellrond, "You must have missed something vital. But now I need to pick companions for thy journey. Now, let's see, who would be an asset to thee?"
He mulled over who he would rather have out of his sight for a while.
"The company of Hoho shall be a nice square number. But it shall not be one, neither shall it be four, nor sixteen, nor twenty-five, nor even thirty-six. The number of the companions shall be nine."
"What a coincidence!" said Handoff. "Nine companions, just as there are Nine Paisley Riders! That way, if they were ever to meet, the Companions won't be outnumbered! How clever!"
"Yes," said Sellrond. "And I am sure your wisdom in guessing my reason will come in very handy for them. For there shall be times when wisdom shall be needed: to choose from dark, darker, and darkest, and to help in hopeless situations. Thank thee for volunteering, Handoff the Gloomy."
"What?" said Handoff. "Did I miss something here?"
Wimpy snickered. Sellrond turned to him.
"And I am sure that thy sense of humor shall also come in handy. There will not be much to laugh about, for thy journey shall be one of sorrow fraught with terror."
Hoho felt like he was going to cry. Boring handed him a handkerchief.
"And thy sympathy for the Blobbit will be much appreciated when he loses all he has worked for, and all that he loves. And when the night comes, and your loss is most felt, that is when comfort, however comforting, shall be useless. And anyway, Flounder is right on the way to Mortar. So you shall be the fourth member of these companions. And since you are going to Flounder, why not take it's next king, Arrogant son of Thornbush? Yes, now there are only four places to fill."
Sellrond was having the time of his life. He felt like kicking himself, however, when he thought that he could have picked a lovely (and larger) prime number, like eleven, instead of constricting himself to just nine people that he hated.
"And, Boring, you say that the doctors in Flounder are very good?"
"Well," said Boring, "No, actually I said that..."
"And Legless, I am certain that the doctors of Flounder can heal thee. Now only three spaces left. I might find some members of my household that I hate, er, can send."
All of a sudden, three blobbits burst from the bushes, with drawn swords. They surrounded Sellrond.
"We've got to leave here, Hoho!" cried Tomfool. "Do you know what Piping found? Tell 'em, Pipe!"
"I was lost," said Piping, "And I wandered into the kitchen by mistake, and do you know, that what we thought was roast beef last night? It was in fact..."
"Ahhh!" said Sellrond, clapping his hand over the blobbits mouth. "And now we have the full nine companions! And you shall be, the Funniship," he spat, "Of the Ring!"
The nine unwilling companions looked at each other with apprehension. Each wondered how they would react to something dangerous. Hoho thought he could guess.
"Thou shalt start out early tomorrow morning. You cannot have too early a start," said Sellrond. "And to avoid suspicion, thou shalt go disguised as a travelling circus. Hmm, now let's see, ok, you're a freak, you're a freak, you three are freaks, oh, what the heck! You can all be freaks for all I care! I shall send messages such as I can, to those that I know in the world. Maybe. If thou art good. Now off to bed with thee! It's early to bed, early to rise for you."
And with that, the council was dismissed. Somehow, Hoho felt cheated.
For some reason, the nine companions could not sleep, if only because of the wild partying going on in deeper parts of the house. Handoff wondered why he wasn't invited, as he drifted off to some nightmarish dream.