Well, here yÕare. DonÕt everyone talk at once...
The Funniship of the Ring. Book 5.
Or, In Which Handoff's True Leadership Skills Are Revealed.
Hoho awoke to someone poking him. He opened his eyes to see a dark form bent over him.
"AAAHHH!" he screamed.
"It's alright, Mr. Hoho," said the figure, quickly withdrawing his hand from Hoho's pocket. "It's only Tom."
"AAAHHH!" Hoho shouted again.
"You'd better be quiet, Mr. Hoho, you might wake Sellrond. It's time to go. Everyone else's already up and had breakfast. We did leave you that oatmeal sandwich, though."
Hoho looked at the sloppy thing with disgust. He ate it with something less that relish, and much gagging. Tom was already packing his baggage.
"It's mighty cold out, Mr. Hoho. I'd wear a sweater if I were you," he said.
Hoho sighed and got dressed. He and Tom went out seeking the back door. They found it after only about forty-three minutes. Dawn was breaking in the eastern sky when they finally came to where the rest of the nine were waiting.
"So much for our early start," sighed Legless, looking at the sun rising over the tops of the mountains.
"Yes," said Arrogant, refusing to look at them. "I am much better at keeping my promises than they."
Just then Awning came out onto the porch and plunked down her baggage.
"I am coming too!" she announced.
Sellrond came out to the porch.
"Well, Awning! Thou art trying to sneak out again, hmm? It's back to thy room for thee!"
"Aww, Daddeeee!" she wailed.
Sellrond ushered her back inside, and just then Dumbo came out on the porch.
"Uncle Dumbo!" cried Hoho.
He looked at Hoho with pity.
"I heard about the council yesterday. I'm sorry I took so long to break out of my cell, I would have warned you. Heh heh, that Sellrond's a character. But I'm afraid that's just your luck. Come inside a moment, I have something for you."
He led Hoho into a small room just inside the back door. He rummaged around under the broken down bed, and pulled out a small box.
"Here are some, uh, interesting things," he said pulling a small sword out of the box. "This is Thing. It makes this really cool ultrasonic high-pitched sound whenever there are Corcs around. Hoho took it and swished it around in the air.
"And also there is this!" he pulled out a shirt of mail, unlike anything Hoho had ever seen before.
"I've never seen anything quite like it, Uncle Dumbo. Is that, uh, mold?"
"Yup," said Dumbo proudly. "It was lying around in a cave for hundreds of years before I found it, and sitting for years in an old cardboard box under a leaky roof hasn't helped it any. But here! Try it on!" He held it towards Hoho.
"I don't know if I want to," said Hoho shrinking away. "Are those spikes on the inside?"
"Oh, you hardly notice those," said Dumbo. "It's really quite comfortable, once you get used to them."
"If you're some sort of armadillo," thought Hoho.
He took it gingerly. It looked like the most uncomfortable thing he had ever seen.
"Put it on under your shirt," said Dumbo, "It'll look better that way."
"I don't know if I have the stomach for that," said Hoho.
"Oh, please, just for me?"
"Oh," Hoho broke down, "Ok, just for you."
He put it on.
"Well? How is it?" inquired Dumbo.
"It itches," said Hoho. "And it's poking me in the back." He twisted around trying to arrange it so it didn't tickle him so. "It must weigh a hundred pounds!"
"Sixty-four and a half," said Dumbo.
"Wonderful," grumbled Hoho.
"Hoho my lad, somehow I think that you don't really mean that," said Dumbo. "Well, I've got to go nail Sellrond's door shut. Have fun!"
The two blobbits hugged before Hoho went back out to the porch. It was empty.
"Saaay," said Hoho, "Where is everybody?"
He noticed a note on a lawnchair. It read:
Hoho,
Since you took far too long we started without you. I'm sure that you can find us though, if you look hard enough. See ya.
Handoff
"Just my luck," grumbled Hoho, picking up his pack and starting off in the direction he thought that they had gone. Half an hour later, just as the ground started sloping upwards out of the bowl, he heard some arguing. As he came up to the top of the ridge, he saw the Funniship standing around a spring, debating some important scheme.
"I tell you, it won't work!" cried Wimpy. "Nothing ever gets past Selves!"
"Listen, Daft, I've been around Selves more often than you have, and I am absolutely certain that it will work! Aren't I right, Legless?" The blizzard turned quickly towards him.
The Self held up his hands. "Hey, man, don't look at me! I'm staying neutral in this."
"Count on a Self to be of no help," sneered Handoff. "If none of you will assist me, then I will do this alone!"
"Not alone!" said Tom. "You can count on me to help you."
Hoho, incorrectly supposing that they were planning to go looking for him, stepped out from behind a bush.
"AAAHHH!" shouted everyone.
"Ah, now it'll work!" said Handoff cheerily, climbing down out of a small maple tree.
"Hoho, you know how to divert water, don't you? We want to play a little trick on Sellrond and move this little spring and just dampen the bottom of Flivenbell, don't you know?"
"Sure I know how to divert water. But why would you want to dampen Flivenbell? Why not just flood the place?" queried Hoho.
"Now you're talking!" said Handoff.
"And this little wimpy spring wouldn't wet a washcloth. We've got to find something a little bit bigger," mulled Hoho.
"The river!" cried Piping. "Remember Awning said that her father diverted the river long ago? Why don't we divert it back!"
"Yeees," said Arrogant, "And that'll pay him back for the indignities he's put me through."
The Funniship walked around the northern edge of the bowl until they came to the river. They walked up it about twenty miles until they came to a huge wall. It was nightfall, and the guards had not noticed them yet.
"This is it," hissed Handoff. "This is what we came all this way for. Now, Hoho, do your work."
Hoho crept stealthily to the wall. He searched with his nimble blobbit fingers for some sort of crack, or loose brick. His hand found a small round object. He bent closer to look. He smiled. It was an ordinary cork, like those found on bottles. He noticed in the moonlight that there were many in the wall. He pulled it out, and a stream of water spouted out of the ensuing hole. Hoho quickly pulled out several more, and crept back to the rest.
"It's done," he whispered, "Now let's get out of here!"
The Funniship travelled rapidly back down the course of the river, and then branched off south, towards Mortar. Dawn broke in the sky. The mountains far ahead of them glowed purple in the growing light, as the dark blue of night gave way to the pinks and golds of sunrise. For twelve days the companions journeyed, twelve nights they camped out under the myriads of twinkling stars. The thirteenth day arrived, and the funniship stopped to take their afternoon meal. Boring helped Hoho with the basket.
"Why are you being so nice to me?" demanded Hoho. "You just want the Ring! I see your mind! You'll go to Moron and sell us all! Curse you and all men to death and darkness!"
"Of course not!" said Boring. "That's silly. I just didn't want you to drop the basket. You carry the food of us all, little one."
"How did the Selves pack so much into one basket, anyhow?" asked Mary.
"Oh, that's easy," said Hoho. "Papayas can be held in the smallest of things."
Tom threw himself on the ground. "I don't want to travel no more," he wailed. "I never did want to come in the first place, and since we started it's been boring, boring, boring!
"What?" said Boring.
"Nothing but beautiful days, and peaceful nights, and delicious meals," continued Tom. "I'd almost welcome some of that there adventure that Sellrond talked about."
"He wasn't talking about adventure, Tom," said Hoho. "He was talking about pain, and torture, and sorrow, and stuff like that."
Tom looked puzzled. "Then what am I complaining about?" he wondered.
Hoho shrugged and took a bite of his lunch.
He noticed that Handoff and Arrogant were arguing a little ways off. He listened to the heated debate, and found that it was about their journey.
"What do you think now, Arrogant? I think it's pretty clear which way we should go," said Handoff.
"I don't want to go your way!" said Arrogant. "I want to go over the mountains. Your way gives me the creeps."
The two noticed that Hoho was eavesdropping and moved farther away from camp. There was a shriek and Handoff disappeared. Hoho rushed over to see him at the bottom of a small cliff, looking angrily up.
"Don't just stand there!" he roared, "Help me up!"
He was helped up. Then the companions journeyed on. Hoho noticed that they were continuing in a different direction. He wondered for a little while, but then deduced that Handoff knew what he was doing. Twelve days later, they came upon a small mountain. They climbed up it. After many, many, long arduous days, with Handoff talking on and on about how well their journey was going so far, thanks to his great leadership, they rounded the top of the mountain. Then his voice trailed off.
"Let's go down the other side. I, uh, think that would be best," he said.
He tried to usher everyone back down the hill, but they crowded up to the summit.
"Hey," said Hoho, "Isn't that..."
"Now now, little blobbit," said Handoff nervously, "Let's get on and..."
"It's Flivenbell!" chorused the Funniship.
"Handoff," snarled Wimpy menacingly.
"You mean that we went all this way and it turned out to be all the way back?" said Tom in disbelief.
Arrogant rolled his eyes and ran down the hill shouting "I don't deserve this!"
"Arrogant!" shouted Legless, "Don't ever run down a mountain! Even a small one!"
"Yeah, like he would know," muttered Mary.
But the man was too far away to hear. Even as he reached the last slope, he caught his foot on a loose slab of stone and tumbled to the bottom. He lay there motionless.
The funniship rushed down as fast as they dared. As they neared the bottom, Arrogant sat up and rubbed his head. But even as they neared him Wimpy dislodged a loose stone and it hit the man in the head. He was out colder than a penguin before they could reach him.
The Funniship of the Ring. Book 5.
Or, In Which Handoff's True Leadership Skills Are Revealed.
Hoho awoke to someone poking him. He opened his eyes to see a dark form bent over him.
"AAAHHH!" he screamed.
"It's alright, Mr. Hoho," said the figure, quickly withdrawing his hand from Hoho's pocket. "It's only Tom."
"AAAHHH!" Hoho shouted again.
"You'd better be quiet, Mr. Hoho, you might wake Sellrond. It's time to go. Everyone else's already up and had breakfast. We did leave you that oatmeal sandwich, though."
Hoho looked at the sloppy thing with disgust. He ate it with something less that relish, and much gagging. Tom was already packing his baggage.
"It's mighty cold out, Mr. Hoho. I'd wear a sweater if I were you," he said.
Hoho sighed and got dressed. He and Tom went out seeking the back door. They found it after only about forty-three minutes. Dawn was breaking in the eastern sky when they finally came to where the rest of the nine were waiting.
"So much for our early start," sighed Legless, looking at the sun rising over the tops of the mountains.
"Yes," said Arrogant, refusing to look at them. "I am much better at keeping my promises than they."
Just then Awning came out onto the porch and plunked down her baggage.
"I am coming too!" she announced.
Sellrond came out to the porch.
"Well, Awning! Thou art trying to sneak out again, hmm? It's back to thy room for thee!"
"Aww, Daddeeee!" she wailed.
Sellrond ushered her back inside, and just then Dumbo came out on the porch.
"Uncle Dumbo!" cried Hoho.
He looked at Hoho with pity.
"I heard about the council yesterday. I'm sorry I took so long to break out of my cell, I would have warned you. Heh heh, that Sellrond's a character. But I'm afraid that's just your luck. Come inside a moment, I have something for you."
He led Hoho into a small room just inside the back door. He rummaged around under the broken down bed, and pulled out a small box.
"Here are some, uh, interesting things," he said pulling a small sword out of the box. "This is Thing. It makes this really cool ultrasonic high-pitched sound whenever there are Corcs around. Hoho took it and swished it around in the air.
"And also there is this!" he pulled out a shirt of mail, unlike anything Hoho had ever seen before.
"I've never seen anything quite like it, Uncle Dumbo. Is that, uh, mold?"
"Yup," said Dumbo proudly. "It was lying around in a cave for hundreds of years before I found it, and sitting for years in an old cardboard box under a leaky roof hasn't helped it any. But here! Try it on!" He held it towards Hoho.
"I don't know if I want to," said Hoho shrinking away. "Are those spikes on the inside?"
"Oh, you hardly notice those," said Dumbo. "It's really quite comfortable, once you get used to them."
"If you're some sort of armadillo," thought Hoho.
He took it gingerly. It looked like the most uncomfortable thing he had ever seen.
"Put it on under your shirt," said Dumbo, "It'll look better that way."
"I don't know if I have the stomach for that," said Hoho.
"Oh, please, just for me?"
"Oh," Hoho broke down, "Ok, just for you."
He put it on.
"Well? How is it?" inquired Dumbo.
"It itches," said Hoho. "And it's poking me in the back." He twisted around trying to arrange it so it didn't tickle him so. "It must weigh a hundred pounds!"
"Sixty-four and a half," said Dumbo.
"Wonderful," grumbled Hoho.
"Hoho my lad, somehow I think that you don't really mean that," said Dumbo. "Well, I've got to go nail Sellrond's door shut. Have fun!"
The two blobbits hugged before Hoho went back out to the porch. It was empty.
"Saaay," said Hoho, "Where is everybody?"
He noticed a note on a lawnchair. It read:
Hoho,
Since you took far too long we started without you. I'm sure that you can find us though, if you look hard enough. See ya.
Handoff
"Just my luck," grumbled Hoho, picking up his pack and starting off in the direction he thought that they had gone. Half an hour later, just as the ground started sloping upwards out of the bowl, he heard some arguing. As he came up to the top of the ridge, he saw the Funniship standing around a spring, debating some important scheme.
"I tell you, it won't work!" cried Wimpy. "Nothing ever gets past Selves!"
"Listen, Daft, I've been around Selves more often than you have, and I am absolutely certain that it will work! Aren't I right, Legless?" The blizzard turned quickly towards him.
The Self held up his hands. "Hey, man, don't look at me! I'm staying neutral in this."
"Count on a Self to be of no help," sneered Handoff. "If none of you will assist me, then I will do this alone!"
"Not alone!" said Tom. "You can count on me to help you."
Hoho, incorrectly supposing that they were planning to go looking for him, stepped out from behind a bush.
"AAAHHH!" shouted everyone.
"Ah, now it'll work!" said Handoff cheerily, climbing down out of a small maple tree.
"Hoho, you know how to divert water, don't you? We want to play a little trick on Sellrond and move this little spring and just dampen the bottom of Flivenbell, don't you know?"
"Sure I know how to divert water. But why would you want to dampen Flivenbell? Why not just flood the place?" queried Hoho.
"Now you're talking!" said Handoff.
"And this little wimpy spring wouldn't wet a washcloth. We've got to find something a little bit bigger," mulled Hoho.
"The river!" cried Piping. "Remember Awning said that her father diverted the river long ago? Why don't we divert it back!"
"Yeees," said Arrogant, "And that'll pay him back for the indignities he's put me through."
The Funniship walked around the northern edge of the bowl until they came to the river. They walked up it about twenty miles until they came to a huge wall. It was nightfall, and the guards had not noticed them yet.
"This is it," hissed Handoff. "This is what we came all this way for. Now, Hoho, do your work."
Hoho crept stealthily to the wall. He searched with his nimble blobbit fingers for some sort of crack, or loose brick. His hand found a small round object. He bent closer to look. He smiled. It was an ordinary cork, like those found on bottles. He noticed in the moonlight that there were many in the wall. He pulled it out, and a stream of water spouted out of the ensuing hole. Hoho quickly pulled out several more, and crept back to the rest.
"It's done," he whispered, "Now let's get out of here!"
The Funniship travelled rapidly back down the course of the river, and then branched off south, towards Mortar. Dawn broke in the sky. The mountains far ahead of them glowed purple in the growing light, as the dark blue of night gave way to the pinks and golds of sunrise. For twelve days the companions journeyed, twelve nights they camped out under the myriads of twinkling stars. The thirteenth day arrived, and the funniship stopped to take their afternoon meal. Boring helped Hoho with the basket.
"Why are you being so nice to me?" demanded Hoho. "You just want the Ring! I see your mind! You'll go to Moron and sell us all! Curse you and all men to death and darkness!"
"Of course not!" said Boring. "That's silly. I just didn't want you to drop the basket. You carry the food of us all, little one."
"How did the Selves pack so much into one basket, anyhow?" asked Mary.
"Oh, that's easy," said Hoho. "Papayas can be held in the smallest of things."
Tom threw himself on the ground. "I don't want to travel no more," he wailed. "I never did want to come in the first place, and since we started it's been boring, boring, boring!
"What?" said Boring.
"Nothing but beautiful days, and peaceful nights, and delicious meals," continued Tom. "I'd almost welcome some of that there adventure that Sellrond talked about."
"He wasn't talking about adventure, Tom," said Hoho. "He was talking about pain, and torture, and sorrow, and stuff like that."
Tom looked puzzled. "Then what am I complaining about?" he wondered.
Hoho shrugged and took a bite of his lunch.
He noticed that Handoff and Arrogant were arguing a little ways off. He listened to the heated debate, and found that it was about their journey.
"What do you think now, Arrogant? I think it's pretty clear which way we should go," said Handoff.
"I don't want to go your way!" said Arrogant. "I want to go over the mountains. Your way gives me the creeps."
The two noticed that Hoho was eavesdropping and moved farther away from camp. There was a shriek and Handoff disappeared. Hoho rushed over to see him at the bottom of a small cliff, looking angrily up.
"Don't just stand there!" he roared, "Help me up!"
He was helped up. Then the companions journeyed on. Hoho noticed that they were continuing in a different direction. He wondered for a little while, but then deduced that Handoff knew what he was doing. Twelve days later, they came upon a small mountain. They climbed up it. After many, many, long arduous days, with Handoff talking on and on about how well their journey was going so far, thanks to his great leadership, they rounded the top of the mountain. Then his voice trailed off.
"Let's go down the other side. I, uh, think that would be best," he said.
He tried to usher everyone back down the hill, but they crowded up to the summit.
"Hey," said Hoho, "Isn't that..."
"Now now, little blobbit," said Handoff nervously, "Let's get on and..."
"It's Flivenbell!" chorused the Funniship.
"Handoff," snarled Wimpy menacingly.
"You mean that we went all this way and it turned out to be all the way back?" said Tom in disbelief.
Arrogant rolled his eyes and ran down the hill shouting "I don't deserve this!"
"Arrogant!" shouted Legless, "Don't ever run down a mountain! Even a small one!"
"Yeah, like he would know," muttered Mary.
But the man was too far away to hear. Even as he reached the last slope, he caught his foot on a loose slab of stone and tumbled to the bottom. He lay there motionless.
The funniship rushed down as fast as they dared. As they neared the bottom, Arrogant sat up and rubbed his head. But even as they neared him Wimpy dislodged a loose stone and it hit the man in the head. He was out colder than a penguin before they could reach him.