DoesnÕt ANYONE like much less read this? *sniff* WeÕve worked very hard on it. *sniff*
The Funniship of the Ring. Book 6.
Or, In Which Tom Suddenly Becomes Rich.
Arrogant woke up the next morning with a headache that could have cracked walnuts. And he made sure that everybody knew about it.
"Ouch," he said for the fiftieth time.
"Shaddap," said Handoff. "We've got to get moving if we expect to get anywhere before winter sets in."
The funniship journeyed on. For sixteen days they journeyed south towards Mortar. They came to mountains. Handoff pointed grandly.
"That," he said, "Is Carebus! Zoot Soot! Zubbly Bubbly! The great mountains under which is the underground amusement park of AmorŽ Land! We must go over, since Arrogant is a wimp, and unadventerous, and DOESN'T want to have ANY fun."
"Why are you such a wimp?" said Wimpy to Arrogant. The man whacked the daft on the head and they journeyed on. The funniship traveled up Carebus, the largest and most formidible mountain in the entire range. It was snowy, and about three miles up Hoho found himself suddenly bogged down by ice balls between his toes. He toppled, swayed, and rolled down the hill, taking out Arrogant, Boring, and Piping on his way down. The rest stood yelling "Why couldn't you have taken Handoff?"
Arrogant grabbed the clumsy blobbit and stood him up. Hoho wiped the snow from his eyes to see that he no longer was wearing the ring.
"Help," said Boring. Hoho looked at him. He was trapped under the great chain, which the Selves had substituted for the titanium one that Hoho had used before, claiming that it was "too thin to be any good, heh heh". They managed to free the man.
"'Tis a strange fate," said Boring rubbing his arm, "To have such a great chain for such a little thing, such a little thing..." his voice trailed off as he looked at the chain. He shook his head.
"ARE YOU COMING ANYTIME SOON, OR AM I GOING TO HAVE TO COME AFTER YOU??" bellowed Handoff from a long way up.
That evening, they were traveling on a dangerously narrow ledge, which was deep with snow. Fortunately, it had a crust so all but Legless could travel quite easily. The Self was up to his neck in snow, plowing far behind.
ÒYou could wait, you know,Ó he grumbled.
ÒThen we couldnÕt get going again!Ó said Handoff. The wind was blowing strongly, and it began to snow.
ÒWeÕre all gonna die!Ó shouted Arrogant. ÒHandoff, we must turn back!Ó
ÒWhat?Ó said the blizzard.
ÒWeÕve gotta go back!Ó shouted Hoho.
ÒWhat?Ó
ÒWeÕve got to turn around!Ó screeched Wimpy.
ÒHuh?Ó
ÒWe have to...Ó began Legless. Then he listened for a moment. ÒThereÕs a foul voice on the air!Ó
ÒIt is Sillyman!Ó bellowed Handoff.
ÒOh sure, you hear the Self, but do you notice me? Noooo...Ó muttered Arrogant.
But indeed, many miles away, atop the great tower of Ithinc, Sillyman was standing, singing. Without knowing it, the funniship had come to the pass of Carebus just at the time when Sillyman gave an impromptu performance for his minions. The sound was horrible. It wound its way between the mountains and soaked into the ears of the companions like spoiled milk. (Huh? says the co-Author)
ÒFa lala lala lala! Fa lala lala lala!Ó he shouted grandly.
ÒSillyman!Ó wailed Handoff. ÒPleeeeze shut up! YouÕre making everyone sick...Ó He shouted so loudly that lightning struck the cliff overhead, causing an avalanche that swept the funniship to the bottom of the mountain again.
Handoff unburied himself and glared at Arrogant.
ÒThe creeps, huh? Well, IÕd rather have the creeps instead of hypothermia which I think I have contracted from your STUPID DOGGONED WAY!!Ó
ÒWell, erm,Ó said Arrogant, ÒWhat say we go your way, eh?Ó Handoff just snarled. They unearthed the rest of the funniship and continued on.
The next day they were camped on a small hill in the middle of a forest. As Hoho was eating his dinner and listening to the others complaining about it, he noticed that Handoff and Arrogant were standing apart some ways off. He could see Arrogant's head bandage gleaming in the almost pitch darkness. He crept towards them with all the silence of a blobbit trying to sneak up on something. To his surprise they were continuing the debate that he had heard them talk about weeks ago.
"I tell you, Handoff, I'm not going your way! It gives me the creeps. Come to think about it, you give me the creeps too!" said Arrogant.
"I've climbed enough mountains for one summer," growled Handoff. "We have to get past the Messy Mountains somehow. Going over the mountains is too dangerous. Why not go under instead?"
"Because it's creepy!"
Hoho gave a gasp of Horror. Arrogant whirled around and drew his sword, hitting Handoff in the nose. The blizzard gave a muffled shout and fell over. Arrogant went around beating the bushes with his sword. Hoho snuck back to camp.
A few seconds later, Arrogant came into camp with Handoff leaning on his arm clutching his bloody nose.
"Spies!" shouted Arrogant. "We're being followed!"
"And they dared to attack us?" gasped Boring, looking at Handoff.
"Yed!" said the blizzard. "We bust ged boving bevore we ged attaged agaid!"
"But it's dinnertime!" said Tom holding up his half finished banana.
"Well," said Arrogant, "I suppose we could wait until we finish dinner."
Hoho kept silent. He decided not to disappoint his companions by telling them that they were safe. While they were nervously finishing dinner, Piping kept them all amused by asking stupid questions.
"Does it hurt, Handoff?" he said.
The funniship roared with laughter. Except poor high-strung sensitive Wimpy.
"Shh!" he whispered urgently. "The spies will hear us!"
"Oh, you don't take that seriously, do you?" said Legless. "Knowing Handoff, it was probably just a moth, and he hit himself in the face trying to swat it."
"I hade boths," growled Handoff.
"Say, Arrogant," said Hoho, "I don't remember you having a sword. Where'd you get it?"
"He probably stole it," said Tomfool.
"It was mine anyway!" shouted Arrogant. "Sellrond should have given it to me a long time ago."
He stood up and drew it out from its sheath.
"I didn't mean it!" yelped Tom.
Arrogant gave him a funny look and showed Hoho the sword. Hoho noted that it shone in the moon, with funny marks on the blade and hilts.
"One of the Selfish swordsmiths dropped it and scratched it all up." growled Arrogant. "That's why it was so cheap. And it's even got a name," he continued. "It used to be Doorsil. But I renamed it Andy."
"Andy?" said Hoho.
"Yeah, sure, a disguize, donÕt you know," said Arrogant looking around slyly. ÒItÕs a very important sword. It cut the ring from the hand of Moron.Ó He twiddled his eyebrows conspiratorially.
"Uh huh," said Hoho.
"Yup," said Legless stretching his arms, "There are definitely no spies around. And I for one am going to get a good nights'..."
His comment was cut short, however, when on the wind came a bloodchilling howl.
"EEK!" shouted Wimpy.
"Throwruggs!" said Handoff. "See, Arrogand? We bust go uder de boundans! We bust go dru Abore Lad!"
Amore Land! That fell name fell on the empty ears of darkness like bread and butter on a white carpet.
"Goody!" shouted Legless. "The playland of the Dafts!"
"Nononono!" said Wimpy. "I'd rather be eaten by a pneumatic drill!"
"Huh?" said Mary.
"Well," said Hoho, "Whether we go there or not, I think we'd better go somewhere now because I think I just saw eyes!"
"AAAHHH!" shouted the funniship, jumping up and running off towards the mountains.
"Wait for me!" shouted Legless, pushing his wheelchair to the limit. He turned around and saw a great big Throwrug about to take a bite of him.
"EEK!" he shrieked, and with a powerful thrust of his arms he sped ahead of the funniship, leaving a trail of fire. The Throwrugs were confounded by this new development, and they stopped chasing the funniship and instead turned around and sped off in the other direction.
After about five minutes, the funniship noticed that they weren't being followed anymore, and they stopped momentarily to rest.
"Well," said Wimpy, "It's a good thing you had me with you."
"Excuse me?" said Legless, "What do you mean?"
"I mean," said Wimpy, slowly so that Legless could understand, "I mean obviously once those Throwrugs caught sight of me they turned and ran away."
"I can understand that," said Legless. "If I caught sight of your ugly face I'd run away too."
"Why you..." snarled Wimpy.
"Loog!" cried Handoff, lifting his staff and pointing ahead of them, whacking Wimpy on the head as he did so. "Up yodder is the eddrance to Abore Lad! Yub, just ub de stebs, aroud de lagge, ad den trough de door ad we're dere."
He ushered everybody up the million or so stairs, and there in front of them was a huge slimy looking lake.
"Wonderful," said Boring.
Tom turned to Hoho and his face was green.
"I think I'm going to be sick," he said.
Handoff was already picking his way around the smelly water.
"Cobe od!" he said. "Led's go areddy!"
The funniship followed, holding their noses. Hoho accidentally slipped on a rock and actually wet his foot in the algae encrusted slime. He shuddered. Asides from being really gross, there was something about the pond that made him want to gag.
As the funniship came to a wider space before a large flat space in the wall, they saw Handoff standing before it, thinking.
"Well?" said Legless eagerly, "What are we waiting for? Let's go in!"
He went up to the wall and pushed with all his might.
"Legless," said Handoff.
"What?" said Legless impatiently.
"The door is over there," said Handoff pointing to his left. "And another thing, it's a pull door, not a push door."
"Well how was I supposed to know?" said the slightly perturbed Self. "There weren't any signs!"
The funniship looked up to see a burned out neon sign above where Handoff had pointed.
Legless looked up and growled. He wheeled himself away from the wall and sulked.
"Hey," said Piping, "Your nose is better. You're not talking funny anymore"
"What are we waiting for, Handoff?" said Arrogant.
"Until I remember the password," said the blizzard.
"How long will that take?" asked Mary.
Legless put his hand on the blobbit's shoulder.
"A loooooong time, Piping," he said.
"I'm Mary," said Mary.
"Oh," said the Self.
Handoff shot them a dirty look and resumed thinking.
"Now," he mumbled, "It seems to me that the password was something really simple, and easy. Which was one of the reasons why Amore Land went out of business."
Piping, meanwhile, was wandering around on what little dry space there was. All of a sudden, in the light of the moon, he saw a piece of paper halfway in the water. He picked it up and looked at it listlessly. It was a guide to the mazes of Amore Land.
"Hey Handoff, would this be of any help?" he called.
"Be quiet, you silly blobbit, can't you see I'm thinking?" he said angrily.
Piping shrugged and went on reading.
"Open sesame!" said Handoff.
"Hey," said Piping, "Did you know that Amore Land had the first ever underground roller coaster?"
"Ding dong!" cried Handoff.
"And a popcorn machine!" squealed Piping.
"Popcorn?" said Legless eagerly.
"Popcorn?" said Handoff, "Let me see that!"
He snatched the pamphlet from Piping's hand and started reading.
"Ah!" he said, "Here I have it! The password is in Selvish. It's 'melon'."
"Melon?" said Legless, "Let me see that."
He looked at where the blizzard was pointing.
"No, that's pronounced 'mellon'," he said.
"Are you contradicting me?" said Handoff. "Listen, Self, I've been around Selves longer than you. I think I'd know Selvish."
"Hellooo?" said Legless, "Do you see my pointy ears? What do you think I am, a Vulcan? Plus I've heard your Selvish. It's pronounced 'mellon'."
"Well, we'll see, won't we?" sneered Handoff.
He turned to the wall, lifted his staff up in the air, and in a commanding voice cried,
"Melon!"
A round object hurtled out of the sky and landed at Boring's feet. Which was bad for Piping, because he was standing right in front of Boring.
"Ouch," said Piping.
Boring and Arrogant looked at the now smashed object.
"It's a cantaloupe," said Arrogant disbelievingly.
The funniship looked at Handoff accusingly.
"It's not even a very good cantaloupe," said Boring, "Why, in Flounder..."
"You aren't eating it are you?" cried Wimpy.
"Yeah, save some for us!" cried Tom.
"No, I meant..."
"Let's try this again," said Handoff. "Melon!"
A larger object hurtled out of the sky.
"Watermelon," groaned Wimpy, rubbing his head.
"Melon melon melon!" shouted Handoff, "Melon melon melon melon!"
The funniship now took up their time with better things to do, such as dodging honeydews. Finally Handoff paused for a moment. He stood deep in thought for a while. The funniship amused themselves by trying to catch their breaths.
"Lemon?" said Handoff.
A whole bushel of lemons came pattering down the wall.
"Handoff," wailed Legless, "Just say 'mellon' and be done with it!"
"Oh, fine, but it won't work," said the blizzard. He turned to the wall and limply held his staff up.
"Mellon," he said half-heartedly.
The sign above the door sparked and came on, bathing its surroundings with pink and orange, which didn't help the appearance of the lake any, and calliope music began to play. The door creaked and started to open.
"Melon melon!" cried Handoff.
The door was now fully open.
"See?" said Handoff, "It was 'melon' after all!"
A last cantaloupe hurtled down the wall and hit Handoff on the head. He fell to the ground, out cold.
"At last," said Hoho.
But his relief for the moment was cut short, for something grabbed him by the ankle and started dragging him towards the lake.
"AAAHHH!" he shouted.
The funniship gasped, for out of the lake now rose a hideous apparition that resembled a giant octopus. They busied themselves trying to be the first inside the doors. Finally, Boring picked up a huge rock and hurled it with all his might towards the octopus. It splashed harmlessly in the water twenty feet from it. But Hoho's attacker started swinging the blobbit around and around, and finally it threw him inside the doors and the funniship rushed inside as fast as they could. They grabbed the body of Handoff and dragged him inside.
Then the giant arms swung the doors shut, and there was a sound of rumbling and all light was cut off.
There was a silence for a while, until Wimpy finally spoke.
"AAHHH!" he shouted.
That, of course woke Handoff up, and he sat up dizzily.
"Where am I?" he wondered.
The funniship explained as best as they could over the noise of Wimpy. But soon his ear splitting shrieks reached a pitch that they could not hear, and explaining grew easier.
"But," said Tom, "Where's Hoho?"
The funniship looked around at the deep dark. Then they heard a really spooky moan.
"AAHHH!" they all shouted.
Then there was a sound of something stumbling around. It wandered for a little while, and then there was a sound of a crash. Lights came on. Music started to play. A display flashed. And in the sudden lights, they beheld what a moment ago had held them all in a grip of raw terror.
"Hoho!" cried Piping.
"You found the popcorn machine!" cried Mary Christmas.
And indeed, the thing that Hoho had crashed into seemed to be a popcorn popping device of some sort.
But they also beheld in the dim light a gate, beyond which seemed to be giant figures out of some child's nightmare.
"Creepy," muttered Arrogant.
"Well," said Handoff, "It is as I feared. To get beyond the gate we must pay, and pay dearly. I fear here we must part with our money, which has been such a comfort to us on our journey."
He went up to the gate, and put all his money in a small slot. The gate opened just enough to let him through, and then it clanged shut. He stood there impatiently waiting for them to do likewise.
The others followed suit, until only Arrogant and Tom were behind. Arrogant crossed his arms stubbornly.
"It is not to my liking," he said, "That the heir of Mistletoe should fork over all his money to this thing."
"Well, you have no choice," said Handoff. "It's either that, or remain behind alone in the dark. I wouldn't want to leave you there. Much."
Arrogant sulked for a moment. But then he walked up to the gate and crossed over.
"Well," he said putting his now thin wallet back, "I expect you to pay me back, if we live through this."
Now only Tom stood on the other side. He contemplated the gate for a moment. Then he walked up to it. But instead of handing over all his money, he simply opened the gate and walked through.
"Well, what are we waiting for?" he asked. "Let's go!"
The funniship looked very hard at Handoff, who looked less than comfortable.
"Uh," he said, "Sure, uh-huh, yeah."
The funniship walked on, guided by giant glowing arrows. Soon they came to their first obstacle.
"I can't see anything," whined Legless.
"Does anyone have a flashlight?" asked Wimpy, quaveringly.
"Why don't we just turn on the lights?" asked Hoho, reaching over and flipping a switch on the wall. Immediately lights came on, plain ordinary lights which seemed to come from very high up. It grew as bright as day.
"My eyes!" cried Boring.
The rest of the funniship gasped. For there in front of them, though up above the rafters seemed a mile up, stood a small house. A sign over the door read 'Handy Harry's House of Frighteningly Obtuse Obstacles'.
"We must go through this," said Handoff grimly. "We have no other choice."
"Hmm," said Legless. "Would this be dark, darker, or darkest?"
The funniship reluctantly entered into the revolving door. Directly in front of them stood another door. They looked to Handoff for some wise advice.
"Well, Hoho," he said, "Open it!"
"Uh-uh!" said Hoho.
"Tom, you open it then!"
"Noooooo," said Tom.
"Fools," the blizzard hissed, "All of you, fools!"
"I'll open it!" said Legless cheerfully. He wheeled himself to the door and opened it. A chill breath of air met them, and pitch darkness was all they could see.
"Cool," said the Self. He wheeled himself in.
"Legless!" cried Handoff.
But Legless did not hear him. For as he went in, a terrible stench met his nostrils, and he gasped. He was momentarily blinded by the pitch darkness. He felt time stand still. He slowly wheeled himself forward, heedless of anything except the hideously animal-like howls coming from somewhere close at hand. He quickened his pace slightly.
When he came to the other side of the house, and his wits caught up with him, the funniship were waiting for him with paler faces than was normal.
"What's the matter?" said the Self. "You looked like you saw a ghost!"
"N-n-not a ghost," said Tom, "We think we saw the Pillsbury Doughboy dodge behind one of the roller coasters."
"Nonsense," said Legless, "We've had a rough day. I think we need some shuteye."
The funniship eagerly agreed to this, and immediately set out for a place to sleep. They settled for a small corner away from any rides, and started a small campfire. The last thing Hoho remembered before falling asleep from sheer exhaustion was the sight of Legless cheerfully roasting marshmallows. It occurred to Hoho that while he was in Flivenbell he had forgotten to ask Uncle Dumbo why he had let the blizzard Handoff into the blobbit's hole so many years ago. He sighed. There wasn't much to do except hope that he got back alive.
He fell asleep and dreamt of green pencils drawing on a purple canvas the story of his life. It was not a pretty picture. (The canvas, not his life.)
The Funniship of the Ring. Book 6.
Or, In Which Tom Suddenly Becomes Rich.
Arrogant woke up the next morning with a headache that could have cracked walnuts. And he made sure that everybody knew about it.
"Ouch," he said for the fiftieth time.
"Shaddap," said Handoff. "We've got to get moving if we expect to get anywhere before winter sets in."
The funniship journeyed on. For sixteen days they journeyed south towards Mortar. They came to mountains. Handoff pointed grandly.
"That," he said, "Is Carebus! Zoot Soot! Zubbly Bubbly! The great mountains under which is the underground amusement park of AmorŽ Land! We must go over, since Arrogant is a wimp, and unadventerous, and DOESN'T want to have ANY fun."
"Why are you such a wimp?" said Wimpy to Arrogant. The man whacked the daft on the head and they journeyed on. The funniship traveled up Carebus, the largest and most formidible mountain in the entire range. It was snowy, and about three miles up Hoho found himself suddenly bogged down by ice balls between his toes. He toppled, swayed, and rolled down the hill, taking out Arrogant, Boring, and Piping on his way down. The rest stood yelling "Why couldn't you have taken Handoff?"
Arrogant grabbed the clumsy blobbit and stood him up. Hoho wiped the snow from his eyes to see that he no longer was wearing the ring.
"Help," said Boring. Hoho looked at him. He was trapped under the great chain, which the Selves had substituted for the titanium one that Hoho had used before, claiming that it was "too thin to be any good, heh heh". They managed to free the man.
"'Tis a strange fate," said Boring rubbing his arm, "To have such a great chain for such a little thing, such a little thing..." his voice trailed off as he looked at the chain. He shook his head.
"ARE YOU COMING ANYTIME SOON, OR AM I GOING TO HAVE TO COME AFTER YOU??" bellowed Handoff from a long way up.
That evening, they were traveling on a dangerously narrow ledge, which was deep with snow. Fortunately, it had a crust so all but Legless could travel quite easily. The Self was up to his neck in snow, plowing far behind.
ÒYou could wait, you know,Ó he grumbled.
ÒThen we couldnÕt get going again!Ó said Handoff. The wind was blowing strongly, and it began to snow.
ÒWeÕre all gonna die!Ó shouted Arrogant. ÒHandoff, we must turn back!Ó
ÒWhat?Ó said the blizzard.
ÒWeÕve gotta go back!Ó shouted Hoho.
ÒWhat?Ó
ÒWeÕve got to turn around!Ó screeched Wimpy.
ÒHuh?Ó
ÒWe have to...Ó began Legless. Then he listened for a moment. ÒThereÕs a foul voice on the air!Ó
ÒIt is Sillyman!Ó bellowed Handoff.
ÒOh sure, you hear the Self, but do you notice me? Noooo...Ó muttered Arrogant.
But indeed, many miles away, atop the great tower of Ithinc, Sillyman was standing, singing. Without knowing it, the funniship had come to the pass of Carebus just at the time when Sillyman gave an impromptu performance for his minions. The sound was horrible. It wound its way between the mountains and soaked into the ears of the companions like spoiled milk. (Huh? says the co-Author)
ÒFa lala lala lala! Fa lala lala lala!Ó he shouted grandly.
ÒSillyman!Ó wailed Handoff. ÒPleeeeze shut up! YouÕre making everyone sick...Ó He shouted so loudly that lightning struck the cliff overhead, causing an avalanche that swept the funniship to the bottom of the mountain again.
Handoff unburied himself and glared at Arrogant.
ÒThe creeps, huh? Well, IÕd rather have the creeps instead of hypothermia which I think I have contracted from your STUPID DOGGONED WAY!!Ó
ÒWell, erm,Ó said Arrogant, ÒWhat say we go your way, eh?Ó Handoff just snarled. They unearthed the rest of the funniship and continued on.
The next day they were camped on a small hill in the middle of a forest. As Hoho was eating his dinner and listening to the others complaining about it, he noticed that Handoff and Arrogant were standing apart some ways off. He could see Arrogant's head bandage gleaming in the almost pitch darkness. He crept towards them with all the silence of a blobbit trying to sneak up on something. To his surprise they were continuing the debate that he had heard them talk about weeks ago.
"I tell you, Handoff, I'm not going your way! It gives me the creeps. Come to think about it, you give me the creeps too!" said Arrogant.
"I've climbed enough mountains for one summer," growled Handoff. "We have to get past the Messy Mountains somehow. Going over the mountains is too dangerous. Why not go under instead?"
"Because it's creepy!"
Hoho gave a gasp of Horror. Arrogant whirled around and drew his sword, hitting Handoff in the nose. The blizzard gave a muffled shout and fell over. Arrogant went around beating the bushes with his sword. Hoho snuck back to camp.
A few seconds later, Arrogant came into camp with Handoff leaning on his arm clutching his bloody nose.
"Spies!" shouted Arrogant. "We're being followed!"
"And they dared to attack us?" gasped Boring, looking at Handoff.
"Yed!" said the blizzard. "We bust ged boving bevore we ged attaged agaid!"
"But it's dinnertime!" said Tom holding up his half finished banana.
"Well," said Arrogant, "I suppose we could wait until we finish dinner."
Hoho kept silent. He decided not to disappoint his companions by telling them that they were safe. While they were nervously finishing dinner, Piping kept them all amused by asking stupid questions.
"Does it hurt, Handoff?" he said.
The funniship roared with laughter. Except poor high-strung sensitive Wimpy.
"Shh!" he whispered urgently. "The spies will hear us!"
"Oh, you don't take that seriously, do you?" said Legless. "Knowing Handoff, it was probably just a moth, and he hit himself in the face trying to swat it."
"I hade boths," growled Handoff.
"Say, Arrogant," said Hoho, "I don't remember you having a sword. Where'd you get it?"
"He probably stole it," said Tomfool.
"It was mine anyway!" shouted Arrogant. "Sellrond should have given it to me a long time ago."
He stood up and drew it out from its sheath.
"I didn't mean it!" yelped Tom.
Arrogant gave him a funny look and showed Hoho the sword. Hoho noted that it shone in the moon, with funny marks on the blade and hilts.
"One of the Selfish swordsmiths dropped it and scratched it all up." growled Arrogant. "That's why it was so cheap. And it's even got a name," he continued. "It used to be Doorsil. But I renamed it Andy."
"Andy?" said Hoho.
"Yeah, sure, a disguize, donÕt you know," said Arrogant looking around slyly. ÒItÕs a very important sword. It cut the ring from the hand of Moron.Ó He twiddled his eyebrows conspiratorially.
"Uh huh," said Hoho.
"Yup," said Legless stretching his arms, "There are definitely no spies around. And I for one am going to get a good nights'..."
His comment was cut short, however, when on the wind came a bloodchilling howl.
"EEK!" shouted Wimpy.
"Throwruggs!" said Handoff. "See, Arrogand? We bust go uder de boundans! We bust go dru Abore Lad!"
Amore Land! That fell name fell on the empty ears of darkness like bread and butter on a white carpet.
"Goody!" shouted Legless. "The playland of the Dafts!"
"Nononono!" said Wimpy. "I'd rather be eaten by a pneumatic drill!"
"Huh?" said Mary.
"Well," said Hoho, "Whether we go there or not, I think we'd better go somewhere now because I think I just saw eyes!"
"AAAHHH!" shouted the funniship, jumping up and running off towards the mountains.
"Wait for me!" shouted Legless, pushing his wheelchair to the limit. He turned around and saw a great big Throwrug about to take a bite of him.
"EEK!" he shrieked, and with a powerful thrust of his arms he sped ahead of the funniship, leaving a trail of fire. The Throwrugs were confounded by this new development, and they stopped chasing the funniship and instead turned around and sped off in the other direction.
After about five minutes, the funniship noticed that they weren't being followed anymore, and they stopped momentarily to rest.
"Well," said Wimpy, "It's a good thing you had me with you."
"Excuse me?" said Legless, "What do you mean?"
"I mean," said Wimpy, slowly so that Legless could understand, "I mean obviously once those Throwrugs caught sight of me they turned and ran away."
"I can understand that," said Legless. "If I caught sight of your ugly face I'd run away too."
"Why you..." snarled Wimpy.
"Loog!" cried Handoff, lifting his staff and pointing ahead of them, whacking Wimpy on the head as he did so. "Up yodder is the eddrance to Abore Lad! Yub, just ub de stebs, aroud de lagge, ad den trough de door ad we're dere."
He ushered everybody up the million or so stairs, and there in front of them was a huge slimy looking lake.
"Wonderful," said Boring.
Tom turned to Hoho and his face was green.
"I think I'm going to be sick," he said.
Handoff was already picking his way around the smelly water.
"Cobe od!" he said. "Led's go areddy!"
The funniship followed, holding their noses. Hoho accidentally slipped on a rock and actually wet his foot in the algae encrusted slime. He shuddered. Asides from being really gross, there was something about the pond that made him want to gag.
As the funniship came to a wider space before a large flat space in the wall, they saw Handoff standing before it, thinking.
"Well?" said Legless eagerly, "What are we waiting for? Let's go in!"
He went up to the wall and pushed with all his might.
"Legless," said Handoff.
"What?" said Legless impatiently.
"The door is over there," said Handoff pointing to his left. "And another thing, it's a pull door, not a push door."
"Well how was I supposed to know?" said the slightly perturbed Self. "There weren't any signs!"
The funniship looked up to see a burned out neon sign above where Handoff had pointed.
Legless looked up and growled. He wheeled himself away from the wall and sulked.
"Hey," said Piping, "Your nose is better. You're not talking funny anymore"
"What are we waiting for, Handoff?" said Arrogant.
"Until I remember the password," said the blizzard.
"How long will that take?" asked Mary.
Legless put his hand on the blobbit's shoulder.
"A loooooong time, Piping," he said.
"I'm Mary," said Mary.
"Oh," said the Self.
Handoff shot them a dirty look and resumed thinking.
"Now," he mumbled, "It seems to me that the password was something really simple, and easy. Which was one of the reasons why Amore Land went out of business."
Piping, meanwhile, was wandering around on what little dry space there was. All of a sudden, in the light of the moon, he saw a piece of paper halfway in the water. He picked it up and looked at it listlessly. It was a guide to the mazes of Amore Land.
"Hey Handoff, would this be of any help?" he called.
"Be quiet, you silly blobbit, can't you see I'm thinking?" he said angrily.
Piping shrugged and went on reading.
"Open sesame!" said Handoff.
"Hey," said Piping, "Did you know that Amore Land had the first ever underground roller coaster?"
"Ding dong!" cried Handoff.
"And a popcorn machine!" squealed Piping.
"Popcorn?" said Legless eagerly.
"Popcorn?" said Handoff, "Let me see that!"
He snatched the pamphlet from Piping's hand and started reading.
"Ah!" he said, "Here I have it! The password is in Selvish. It's 'melon'."
"Melon?" said Legless, "Let me see that."
He looked at where the blizzard was pointing.
"No, that's pronounced 'mellon'," he said.
"Are you contradicting me?" said Handoff. "Listen, Self, I've been around Selves longer than you. I think I'd know Selvish."
"Hellooo?" said Legless, "Do you see my pointy ears? What do you think I am, a Vulcan? Plus I've heard your Selvish. It's pronounced 'mellon'."
"Well, we'll see, won't we?" sneered Handoff.
He turned to the wall, lifted his staff up in the air, and in a commanding voice cried,
"Melon!"
A round object hurtled out of the sky and landed at Boring's feet. Which was bad for Piping, because he was standing right in front of Boring.
"Ouch," said Piping.
Boring and Arrogant looked at the now smashed object.
"It's a cantaloupe," said Arrogant disbelievingly.
The funniship looked at Handoff accusingly.
"It's not even a very good cantaloupe," said Boring, "Why, in Flounder..."
"You aren't eating it are you?" cried Wimpy.
"Yeah, save some for us!" cried Tom.
"No, I meant..."
"Let's try this again," said Handoff. "Melon!"
A larger object hurtled out of the sky.
"Watermelon," groaned Wimpy, rubbing his head.
"Melon melon melon!" shouted Handoff, "Melon melon melon melon!"
The funniship now took up their time with better things to do, such as dodging honeydews. Finally Handoff paused for a moment. He stood deep in thought for a while. The funniship amused themselves by trying to catch their breaths.
"Lemon?" said Handoff.
A whole bushel of lemons came pattering down the wall.
"Handoff," wailed Legless, "Just say 'mellon' and be done with it!"
"Oh, fine, but it won't work," said the blizzard. He turned to the wall and limply held his staff up.
"Mellon," he said half-heartedly.
The sign above the door sparked and came on, bathing its surroundings with pink and orange, which didn't help the appearance of the lake any, and calliope music began to play. The door creaked and started to open.
"Melon melon!" cried Handoff.
The door was now fully open.
"See?" said Handoff, "It was 'melon' after all!"
A last cantaloupe hurtled down the wall and hit Handoff on the head. He fell to the ground, out cold.
"At last," said Hoho.
But his relief for the moment was cut short, for something grabbed him by the ankle and started dragging him towards the lake.
"AAAHHH!" he shouted.
The funniship gasped, for out of the lake now rose a hideous apparition that resembled a giant octopus. They busied themselves trying to be the first inside the doors. Finally, Boring picked up a huge rock and hurled it with all his might towards the octopus. It splashed harmlessly in the water twenty feet from it. But Hoho's attacker started swinging the blobbit around and around, and finally it threw him inside the doors and the funniship rushed inside as fast as they could. They grabbed the body of Handoff and dragged him inside.
Then the giant arms swung the doors shut, and there was a sound of rumbling and all light was cut off.
There was a silence for a while, until Wimpy finally spoke.
"AAHHH!" he shouted.
That, of course woke Handoff up, and he sat up dizzily.
"Where am I?" he wondered.
The funniship explained as best as they could over the noise of Wimpy. But soon his ear splitting shrieks reached a pitch that they could not hear, and explaining grew easier.
"But," said Tom, "Where's Hoho?"
The funniship looked around at the deep dark. Then they heard a really spooky moan.
"AAHHH!" they all shouted.
Then there was a sound of something stumbling around. It wandered for a little while, and then there was a sound of a crash. Lights came on. Music started to play. A display flashed. And in the sudden lights, they beheld what a moment ago had held them all in a grip of raw terror.
"Hoho!" cried Piping.
"You found the popcorn machine!" cried Mary Christmas.
And indeed, the thing that Hoho had crashed into seemed to be a popcorn popping device of some sort.
But they also beheld in the dim light a gate, beyond which seemed to be giant figures out of some child's nightmare.
"Creepy," muttered Arrogant.
"Well," said Handoff, "It is as I feared. To get beyond the gate we must pay, and pay dearly. I fear here we must part with our money, which has been such a comfort to us on our journey."
He went up to the gate, and put all his money in a small slot. The gate opened just enough to let him through, and then it clanged shut. He stood there impatiently waiting for them to do likewise.
The others followed suit, until only Arrogant and Tom were behind. Arrogant crossed his arms stubbornly.
"It is not to my liking," he said, "That the heir of Mistletoe should fork over all his money to this thing."
"Well, you have no choice," said Handoff. "It's either that, or remain behind alone in the dark. I wouldn't want to leave you there. Much."
Arrogant sulked for a moment. But then he walked up to the gate and crossed over.
"Well," he said putting his now thin wallet back, "I expect you to pay me back, if we live through this."
Now only Tom stood on the other side. He contemplated the gate for a moment. Then he walked up to it. But instead of handing over all his money, he simply opened the gate and walked through.
"Well, what are we waiting for?" he asked. "Let's go!"
The funniship looked very hard at Handoff, who looked less than comfortable.
"Uh," he said, "Sure, uh-huh, yeah."
The funniship walked on, guided by giant glowing arrows. Soon they came to their first obstacle.
"I can't see anything," whined Legless.
"Does anyone have a flashlight?" asked Wimpy, quaveringly.
"Why don't we just turn on the lights?" asked Hoho, reaching over and flipping a switch on the wall. Immediately lights came on, plain ordinary lights which seemed to come from very high up. It grew as bright as day.
"My eyes!" cried Boring.
The rest of the funniship gasped. For there in front of them, though up above the rafters seemed a mile up, stood a small house. A sign over the door read 'Handy Harry's House of Frighteningly Obtuse Obstacles'.
"We must go through this," said Handoff grimly. "We have no other choice."
"Hmm," said Legless. "Would this be dark, darker, or darkest?"
The funniship reluctantly entered into the revolving door. Directly in front of them stood another door. They looked to Handoff for some wise advice.
"Well, Hoho," he said, "Open it!"
"Uh-uh!" said Hoho.
"Tom, you open it then!"
"Noooooo," said Tom.
"Fools," the blizzard hissed, "All of you, fools!"
"I'll open it!" said Legless cheerfully. He wheeled himself to the door and opened it. A chill breath of air met them, and pitch darkness was all they could see.
"Cool," said the Self. He wheeled himself in.
"Legless!" cried Handoff.
But Legless did not hear him. For as he went in, a terrible stench met his nostrils, and he gasped. He was momentarily blinded by the pitch darkness. He felt time stand still. He slowly wheeled himself forward, heedless of anything except the hideously animal-like howls coming from somewhere close at hand. He quickened his pace slightly.
When he came to the other side of the house, and his wits caught up with him, the funniship were waiting for him with paler faces than was normal.
"What's the matter?" said the Self. "You looked like you saw a ghost!"
"N-n-not a ghost," said Tom, "We think we saw the Pillsbury Doughboy dodge behind one of the roller coasters."
"Nonsense," said Legless, "We've had a rough day. I think we need some shuteye."
The funniship eagerly agreed to this, and immediately set out for a place to sleep. They settled for a small corner away from any rides, and started a small campfire. The last thing Hoho remembered before falling asleep from sheer exhaustion was the sight of Legless cheerfully roasting marshmallows. It occurred to Hoho that while he was in Flivenbell he had forgotten to ask Uncle Dumbo why he had let the blizzard Handoff into the blobbit's hole so many years ago. He sighed. There wasn't much to do except hope that he got back alive.
He fell asleep and dreamt of green pencils drawing on a purple canvas the story of his life. It was not a pretty picture. (The canvas, not his life.)