Chapter 3 I Still Want You By My Side
Belle waited quietly in the hospital room, praying that the doctor's news would be good, that she hadn't lost the baby after all. The ache in the pit of her stomach was still there, though, and her head ached horribly. She felt as she had when she had come out of her coma, drugged and groggy. The feeling of her thin hospital gown and the heavy blankets were familiar in a horrible way. She knew them too well. The tears streamed down her face as she thought of all that she had lost. Her baby was gone, she knew that, and so had her trust in her parents. They had betrayed her. They had lied to her. For God's sake, she shared a brother with her fiancé. She never wanted to speak to any of them ever again.
There was a gentle knock at the door, and she clutched at her blankets in fear, releasing them only when Brady came in alone. He had left Shawn in an exhausted, fitful sleep, and her parents were waiting outside for Belle's permission. They both looked pale and strained, but neither of their conditions were comparable with Belle's.
"Brady?" her voice came out small and broken. Completely un- Tinkerbell like. It was all he needed to hear. Wrapping his muscular arms about her tiny body, Brady rocked his little sister as she wept. He could barely understand what she was going through. He had never lost a child, but he had nearly lost her, the one thing in the world he loved above everything else, and that feeling was the worst he had ever had. He could only imagine what she must be going through. She needed him, and that was all that it took for her to have him comfort her, love her with his entire heart.
"Shawn's outside," he whispered to her after a few minutes. "So are John and Marlena." Belle noted that John was no longer 'Dad' and Marlena wasn't even 'Doc' to him anymore.
"I don't want to see Mom and Dad," the words choked in her throat. She didn't want to see her parents, but she couldn't deny that they were her parents.
"What about Shawn?" Brady was so gentle, so loving, so kind, that Belle felt safe enough in his arms to face her fiancé and to tell him that their child was gone, that she had lost it.
Belle nodded, not able to speak. Brady let her go very gently, easing his arms from around her and settling her back on the pillows. Stepping into the hall he gave an angry shake of the head to John and Marlena, who stood waiting outside the door of Belle's private room, in the corridor that smelled of disinfectant and sickness. The fluorescent lights shone harshly on their faces, and the wrinkles that were usually so well hidden were grossly exaggerated and all too clear. Brady's stomach turned as he stared at them, the people who had destroyed Belle's faith and had effectively killed her baby.
He walked over to the prone form of Shawn, and prodded him in the side cautiously. Shawn jerked awake, jumping into the air. "Is she awake?"
Brady nodded slowly. "She's asking for you."
Afterwards, Brady thought that if Shawn could put such a turn of speed on the football field he could play in the nationals. He had never seen him move so fast.
"Belle?" Shawn shot through the door to her side, desperate to see her again.
"Hey," Belle held back the tears for two seconds before they flooded down her cheeks once more. His arms were around her, embracing her, holding her close to his chest, letting her tears soak into his T-shirt and attempting to comfort her. "I. I. I lost."
"Shh," Shawn whispered into her ear. He couldn't think of anything else to do. Every sentiment of comfort seemed a cliché and meaningless. "I know, I know."
She pushed him away as hard as she could, the tears standing out clear in her eyes. "No, you don't. This baby to you was something unreal, something that was going to happen months in the future. You only knew you were going to be a father, I already was a mother." Shawn tried to reach out to her again, but she went on, pushing him further and further away. "I can't talk to you, Shawn. When I look at you, I'm reminded of everything that I've lost. I look at you, and I remember when life was good, when I was going to be a mother, and my parents were perfect to me. They lied to us, Shawn! Our parents lied to us! JT's our brother. How can we be together when we share a brother? My God, that's sick, it's like incest." She wouldn't let the tears come while he was here, it would show too much weakness when she needed, so desperately, to be strong. The next words tore her heart almost as badly as they did his, but she said them with a clear voice and a resolute expression. "Maybe it's best our baby died."
"No!" Shawn tried to take her in his arms again, to tell her that it would be all right, but he couldn't. It wouldn't be all right. Nothing would ever be all right again. "Belle, honey, we would have loved that baby so much."
She stopped him there, eyes dull and mouth set. "It wouldn't have mattered. Our parents loved us once, I believe that, but they lied to us too. Could you imagine explaining to our baby how JT was both Mommy and Daddy's brother, or to JT how his brother and his sister could get married, have kids? No, no, it's best this way." She wasn't crying anymore, and there was a look in her eyes that scared him more than everything had ever done before.
"Belle, we could have worked it out, JT would have understood, and our baby would have too, we would have been so happy, we still can be, only Belle, don't push me away." Shawn tried to keep her attention, to keep her focus on him, but something had happened to Belle since the night before. He had lost her in some way that he could not understand or even conceive.
"Shawn, I'm sorry," Belle lifted her hand, pulling her engagement ring off with an effort, and pressed it into his unwilling hand, touching him as little as possible. "I can't marry you. I can't see you ever again. I can't love you." There was a hitch in her throat, and she had to squeeze the words past it. Her voice dropped, and her eyes lowered as she murmured, "I don't believe in love anymore."
"Belle." all the words in his memory faded away as he gazed at her. He had never seen such desolation in her eyes. Suddenly, she sat up very straight and a familiar flame of anger licked at her features. She was furious.
"Get out." There was no question of arguing with such a command, but Shawn tried anyway. He wouldn't give up so easily.
"No, Belle, we need each other." He caught her stare, and felt something shrivel inside him. There was something deeply and fundamentally wrong with Belle.
"I mean it, Shawn Douglas Brady, get out now before I scream for Brady." Belle's voice was cold, hard and as harsh to Shawn's ears as anything he had ever heard. They had fought before, but nothing ever like this. She opened her mouth, and Shawn reluctantly headed for the door. She wasn't finished though, and the next words pierced him to the heart as nothing else had ever done. "Do you honestly think that I could bear to be in the presence of the son of the woman who destroyed my parents' marriage, a man I must hate above all other things, a man who took my virginity and destroyed my heart?"
At another time, with another person, Shawn would have argued vehemently, but with Belle, he felt the justice of the words bite into the fabric of his soul. The sins of the parents were being visited upon their children, unto the third generation. Belle went on, the words relentlessly pounding at Shawn's mind.
"Do you think I could ever love the brother of the bastard child of our parents' illicit affair? You must be mad." Belle's blue eyes were black, though not with the anger Shawn felt was directed at him, they were black with the utter despair of one who had seen that true love could never be. Shawn didn't know that, couldn't know that, and even as Belle threw the words at him, purposefully driving him away, she knew that she was killing the love between them, murdering the hope of a reconciliation. She felt no hope, no possible faint trace of love between them possible in the future, so as long as she was killing their adoration in his heart, she had better stamp on it good. "I could never feel anything but hate for an arrogant, stupid, punk, retarded, bastard Brady."
She spat those last words with such feeling that her conscience prickled her. She stamped on it as she had just stamped on Shawn's heart, grinding her high heel into it to kill it properly.
Shawn's brown eyes, full of tears, watched her fall apart, an ache piercing his heart. He wished desperately to take her in his arms, to wrap her in cotton wool, or put her into a bubble that could never burst. Anything to stop her hurting so badly. He couldn't though. Whatever she was going through, she couldn't be with him, couldn't find solace in him. Reluctantly, a shattered heart in his chest and a hand bleeding from his tight grip on their engagement ring, he left her room, physically forcing himself away from her.
He turned to Brady, the scalding wet heat in his eyes reminding him that he was the closest to crying he had been since he thought JT was dying, and stared at him fixedly.
"There's something wrong with Belle's mind." His voice was as cold as Belle's had been, emotionless because if he let himself feel everything that was boiling inside of him, he doubted he would be able to hold himself together enough to speak with Brady.
"What?" That was Marlena, racing from her seat with John at her heels. "What's wrong with my baby doll?"
Shawn ignored her. Marlena, John, Bo, Hope, none of these people existed to him anymore. They had lied to him, caused Belle to miscarry, and broken her trust in human nature. He kept his eyes focused on Brady. "She's not acting herself. I don't think she should be alone, but she doesn't want me with her."
Marlena shot straight into Belle's room, but ran straight back out again as Belle screamed and threw the vase of flowers at her head. "Get out you lying bitch!"
Brady started, shocked at the words coming out of his little sister's mouth, the girl who had always been as good and perfect as a princess in a fairy tale, and had even apologised for using the word hell.
"I see what you mean," he stuttered out. Shawn nodded his head slowly, and patted his cousin on the shoulder.
"Good luck, you're going to need it." He couldn't bear to stay after that. Not when Belle didn't want him anymore. He couldn't even summon up the passion to give an icy stare to John and Marlena, but just walked straight past them and his own parents who were waiting patiently in the hallway. Half of Salem was there, but Shawn ignored them all.
Brady watched him leave, his head hanging so low as to touch his chest, then turned to his baby sister's room. "Ready or not, Tink," he warned her, "I'm coming in."
Whatever Brady had been expecting to see, it wasn't the sight that confronted his eyes. Belle had tears streaming down her face, and her little body was wracked with sobs. She was beautiful though, beautiful with a tragedy that would have become a Juliet without her Romeo.
"Oh, Brady," Belle sobbed brokenly as she threw herself into his warm arms, "I've lost him. It's all over. I've really lost him this time, and I don't even know if I want him back."
Belle waited quietly in the hospital room, praying that the doctor's news would be good, that she hadn't lost the baby after all. The ache in the pit of her stomach was still there, though, and her head ached horribly. She felt as she had when she had come out of her coma, drugged and groggy. The feeling of her thin hospital gown and the heavy blankets were familiar in a horrible way. She knew them too well. The tears streamed down her face as she thought of all that she had lost. Her baby was gone, she knew that, and so had her trust in her parents. They had betrayed her. They had lied to her. For God's sake, she shared a brother with her fiancé. She never wanted to speak to any of them ever again.
There was a gentle knock at the door, and she clutched at her blankets in fear, releasing them only when Brady came in alone. He had left Shawn in an exhausted, fitful sleep, and her parents were waiting outside for Belle's permission. They both looked pale and strained, but neither of their conditions were comparable with Belle's.
"Brady?" her voice came out small and broken. Completely un- Tinkerbell like. It was all he needed to hear. Wrapping his muscular arms about her tiny body, Brady rocked his little sister as she wept. He could barely understand what she was going through. He had never lost a child, but he had nearly lost her, the one thing in the world he loved above everything else, and that feeling was the worst he had ever had. He could only imagine what she must be going through. She needed him, and that was all that it took for her to have him comfort her, love her with his entire heart.
"Shawn's outside," he whispered to her after a few minutes. "So are John and Marlena." Belle noted that John was no longer 'Dad' and Marlena wasn't even 'Doc' to him anymore.
"I don't want to see Mom and Dad," the words choked in her throat. She didn't want to see her parents, but she couldn't deny that they were her parents.
"What about Shawn?" Brady was so gentle, so loving, so kind, that Belle felt safe enough in his arms to face her fiancé and to tell him that their child was gone, that she had lost it.
Belle nodded, not able to speak. Brady let her go very gently, easing his arms from around her and settling her back on the pillows. Stepping into the hall he gave an angry shake of the head to John and Marlena, who stood waiting outside the door of Belle's private room, in the corridor that smelled of disinfectant and sickness. The fluorescent lights shone harshly on their faces, and the wrinkles that were usually so well hidden were grossly exaggerated and all too clear. Brady's stomach turned as he stared at them, the people who had destroyed Belle's faith and had effectively killed her baby.
He walked over to the prone form of Shawn, and prodded him in the side cautiously. Shawn jerked awake, jumping into the air. "Is she awake?"
Brady nodded slowly. "She's asking for you."
Afterwards, Brady thought that if Shawn could put such a turn of speed on the football field he could play in the nationals. He had never seen him move so fast.
"Belle?" Shawn shot through the door to her side, desperate to see her again.
"Hey," Belle held back the tears for two seconds before they flooded down her cheeks once more. His arms were around her, embracing her, holding her close to his chest, letting her tears soak into his T-shirt and attempting to comfort her. "I. I. I lost."
"Shh," Shawn whispered into her ear. He couldn't think of anything else to do. Every sentiment of comfort seemed a cliché and meaningless. "I know, I know."
She pushed him away as hard as she could, the tears standing out clear in her eyes. "No, you don't. This baby to you was something unreal, something that was going to happen months in the future. You only knew you were going to be a father, I already was a mother." Shawn tried to reach out to her again, but she went on, pushing him further and further away. "I can't talk to you, Shawn. When I look at you, I'm reminded of everything that I've lost. I look at you, and I remember when life was good, when I was going to be a mother, and my parents were perfect to me. They lied to us, Shawn! Our parents lied to us! JT's our brother. How can we be together when we share a brother? My God, that's sick, it's like incest." She wouldn't let the tears come while he was here, it would show too much weakness when she needed, so desperately, to be strong. The next words tore her heart almost as badly as they did his, but she said them with a clear voice and a resolute expression. "Maybe it's best our baby died."
"No!" Shawn tried to take her in his arms again, to tell her that it would be all right, but he couldn't. It wouldn't be all right. Nothing would ever be all right again. "Belle, honey, we would have loved that baby so much."
She stopped him there, eyes dull and mouth set. "It wouldn't have mattered. Our parents loved us once, I believe that, but they lied to us too. Could you imagine explaining to our baby how JT was both Mommy and Daddy's brother, or to JT how his brother and his sister could get married, have kids? No, no, it's best this way." She wasn't crying anymore, and there was a look in her eyes that scared him more than everything had ever done before.
"Belle, we could have worked it out, JT would have understood, and our baby would have too, we would have been so happy, we still can be, only Belle, don't push me away." Shawn tried to keep her attention, to keep her focus on him, but something had happened to Belle since the night before. He had lost her in some way that he could not understand or even conceive.
"Shawn, I'm sorry," Belle lifted her hand, pulling her engagement ring off with an effort, and pressed it into his unwilling hand, touching him as little as possible. "I can't marry you. I can't see you ever again. I can't love you." There was a hitch in her throat, and she had to squeeze the words past it. Her voice dropped, and her eyes lowered as she murmured, "I don't believe in love anymore."
"Belle." all the words in his memory faded away as he gazed at her. He had never seen such desolation in her eyes. Suddenly, she sat up very straight and a familiar flame of anger licked at her features. She was furious.
"Get out." There was no question of arguing with such a command, but Shawn tried anyway. He wouldn't give up so easily.
"No, Belle, we need each other." He caught her stare, and felt something shrivel inside him. There was something deeply and fundamentally wrong with Belle.
"I mean it, Shawn Douglas Brady, get out now before I scream for Brady." Belle's voice was cold, hard and as harsh to Shawn's ears as anything he had ever heard. They had fought before, but nothing ever like this. She opened her mouth, and Shawn reluctantly headed for the door. She wasn't finished though, and the next words pierced him to the heart as nothing else had ever done. "Do you honestly think that I could bear to be in the presence of the son of the woman who destroyed my parents' marriage, a man I must hate above all other things, a man who took my virginity and destroyed my heart?"
At another time, with another person, Shawn would have argued vehemently, but with Belle, he felt the justice of the words bite into the fabric of his soul. The sins of the parents were being visited upon their children, unto the third generation. Belle went on, the words relentlessly pounding at Shawn's mind.
"Do you think I could ever love the brother of the bastard child of our parents' illicit affair? You must be mad." Belle's blue eyes were black, though not with the anger Shawn felt was directed at him, they were black with the utter despair of one who had seen that true love could never be. Shawn didn't know that, couldn't know that, and even as Belle threw the words at him, purposefully driving him away, she knew that she was killing the love between them, murdering the hope of a reconciliation. She felt no hope, no possible faint trace of love between them possible in the future, so as long as she was killing their adoration in his heart, she had better stamp on it good. "I could never feel anything but hate for an arrogant, stupid, punk, retarded, bastard Brady."
She spat those last words with such feeling that her conscience prickled her. She stamped on it as she had just stamped on Shawn's heart, grinding her high heel into it to kill it properly.
Shawn's brown eyes, full of tears, watched her fall apart, an ache piercing his heart. He wished desperately to take her in his arms, to wrap her in cotton wool, or put her into a bubble that could never burst. Anything to stop her hurting so badly. He couldn't though. Whatever she was going through, she couldn't be with him, couldn't find solace in him. Reluctantly, a shattered heart in his chest and a hand bleeding from his tight grip on their engagement ring, he left her room, physically forcing himself away from her.
He turned to Brady, the scalding wet heat in his eyes reminding him that he was the closest to crying he had been since he thought JT was dying, and stared at him fixedly.
"There's something wrong with Belle's mind." His voice was as cold as Belle's had been, emotionless because if he let himself feel everything that was boiling inside of him, he doubted he would be able to hold himself together enough to speak with Brady.
"What?" That was Marlena, racing from her seat with John at her heels. "What's wrong with my baby doll?"
Shawn ignored her. Marlena, John, Bo, Hope, none of these people existed to him anymore. They had lied to him, caused Belle to miscarry, and broken her trust in human nature. He kept his eyes focused on Brady. "She's not acting herself. I don't think she should be alone, but she doesn't want me with her."
Marlena shot straight into Belle's room, but ran straight back out again as Belle screamed and threw the vase of flowers at her head. "Get out you lying bitch!"
Brady started, shocked at the words coming out of his little sister's mouth, the girl who had always been as good and perfect as a princess in a fairy tale, and had even apologised for using the word hell.
"I see what you mean," he stuttered out. Shawn nodded his head slowly, and patted his cousin on the shoulder.
"Good luck, you're going to need it." He couldn't bear to stay after that. Not when Belle didn't want him anymore. He couldn't even summon up the passion to give an icy stare to John and Marlena, but just walked straight past them and his own parents who were waiting patiently in the hallway. Half of Salem was there, but Shawn ignored them all.
Brady watched him leave, his head hanging so low as to touch his chest, then turned to his baby sister's room. "Ready or not, Tink," he warned her, "I'm coming in."
Whatever Brady had been expecting to see, it wasn't the sight that confronted his eyes. Belle had tears streaming down her face, and her little body was wracked with sobs. She was beautiful though, beautiful with a tragedy that would have become a Juliet without her Romeo.
"Oh, Brady," Belle sobbed brokenly as she threw herself into his warm arms, "I've lost him. It's all over. I've really lost him this time, and I don't even know if I want him back."