Chapter 9 Baby, I'll Try to Love Again, But I Know
How do you win back the girl of your dreams when both your hearts are shattered into a thousand pieces possibly beyond healing? Shawn repeated the question to himself again and again.
He had hoped Chris could help, but she had fallen madly in love with Belle's half brother Eric at first sight. Forgotten were her friend's problems, lost in the depths of a pair of blue eyes. He was happy for her, he really was. Chris was a good person, she deserved love, and Eric, after the Hell he and his family had been through, deserved someone to love and to be loved by, but it made Shawn feel isolated and lonely. When he had felt like this in Salem before, he had run to Belle. When he was at boarding school, he had isolated himself, putting up the barriers and walls that had turned him into the rebel that Belle had hated so much on his return. Shawn smiled a little, but it was a sad and bitter twist to his lips. There was no memory he had that he did not connect to his Isabella in some way. She was his world, his reality, his life, and now she hated him with a greater passion than he had felt possible for such a loving girl. He had to change that hate to love, or his heart would die within his breast as surely as if struck with a sword blade.
He had tried the previous night to forget her. He had gone to the Cheatin' Heart Bar, drunk something and wrapped his arms around a tall woman who couldn't have looked less like Belle. They had danced, but he couldn't remember the song. It had been slow. He knew that. He had held her close, smelt her hair, felt her fingers tease the back of his neck, and her arms slide against his, but it had meant nothing. He still loved Belle, she was the love of his life, and no matter how much he loved her and hated her, there was still only one of her.
Wandering through the chilled air, he saw his beautiful Belle sitting on a park bench, alone and disconsolate, a breeze fluttering her soft hair around her face, and the sunlight reflecting off it so it looked like the finest spun gold thread. Shawn walked over to her slowly, his leather jacket keeping his body warm, though his heart felt cold. He had waited two days for this, and he hoped she would not be in a fury with him still.
He flopped down into the seat beside her. "Belle, I need to talk to you."
Her eyes narrowed, and she took on the aspect of a wet and hissing cat, "Well I don't want to talk to you. You can not come back and expect me to fall into your arms, Shawn, because it's not going to happen. You broke my heart when you left. I can't forget that."
"You aren't totally innocent in all this either Belle!" Shawn exploded at last, against all of his better judgement, his Irish Greek temper getting the better of him just when he knew he should have stayed calm. "If I'd stayed, what do you think would have happened? You were dating every guy in town, getting drunk, for all I knew you were on drugs. We lost our baby and you lost your mind. I tried to help you, but you wouldn't let me near you, and it was breaking my heart to see you like that. Would you have changed or would you have still been the same even now? Belle, can't you see, I had to leave, otherwise I don't know what would have happened."
She stared at him coldly, an ice maiden again, her heart locked up tight. "You left because you couldn't cope. I was here by myself picking up the pieces of a life that had been ruined. I lost my baby, I don't remember you having anything to do with it except for that cheap encounter we had in my bedroom, when you took my virginity and left me pregnant."
Shawn was desperate to say the right thing, but when he looked at Belle and heard her words, he heard the truth. He had left her when she had lost their baby. She had carried it, not him, and the effect on her was far more devastating. He forgot all the reasons why he had left and remembered only abandoning his best friend, his soul mate, in her hour of need. It was his fault. It had to be his fault. Perhaps he should stop trying to win her back. He had done nothing but cause her pain for so long. Perhaps it was best if he left forever, cut his ties and returned to the sea leaving Belle to enjoy her new life alone. He stood up slowly, feeling as if he had taken a huge weight upon his shoulders, and walked slowly away from Belle, head bent in despair.
Later, when she had gone home and found the Ben & Jerry's ice cream she kept specially for when she started thinking about Shawn, Belle flipped her blonde hair over one shoulder and thought about what she had done, all of her rage drained out of her.
Then she started banging her head against the pink painted wall of her bedroom. She had been so stupid. She should have realised that Shawn was trying to make amends, to get back together, and she had thrown that chance away, twice. He still loved her, or had done when he had come back for her, but she might have killed that love now. She banged her head a little harder, the pain from the blows to the wall nothing compared to the pain in her heart. She would go to him, get down on her knees if she had to, and beg him to listen to her. She didn't care about dignity anymore. She didn't need her pride, it had never done her any good. Perhaps it wasn't even pride, perhaps it was vanity. She had been suffering from prejudice too long. She should just go up to him, tell him that she had always loved him even though they shared a brother, and kiss him like there was no tomorrow. Scarlett O'Hara's words echoed through Belle's mind, 'Tomorrow is another day,' but then so did Rhett's, 'Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.' She was praying to God that he didn't tell her that. Yet would he have returned to her if he didn't care anymore? Maybe he had just come to see his family again, there had been no contact between them for two and a half years, perhaps he had found he didn't really love her. Perhaps.
Brady opened her bedroom door with a hard push, interrupting her thoughts. She switched her radio on and pretended the banging sound had come from her dancing hard on the wooden part of the floor. It had to be a song about heartbreak that played first.
I"I would have given you all of my heart
but there's someone who's torn it apart
and he's taking almost all that I've got
but if you want, I'll try to love again
baby I'll try to love again but I know."
She scowled at him, "Don't you ever knock?"
"I've been knocking for the past ten minutes, Tink, you just weren't answering." Brady tugged her blonde hair teasingly and Belle stared into her brother's ice blue eyes with tears in her own. Brady finished more seriously, "So I hear a certain Shawn Douglas Brady is back in town."
Belle nodded her head slowly. "I saw him earlier."
"So?" Brady raised an eyebrow at her, giving her one of those looks.
I"The first cut is the deepest, baby I know
The first cut is the deepest"/I
Belle tried to lie to him, she really did, but the words wouldn't come.
I"'cause when it comes to being lucky he's cursed
when it comes to lovin' me he's worst
but when it comes to being loved he's first
that's how I know,"/I
Brady saw the torment in his baby sister's eyes, and hated it. With a single step forwards, he came within reach of her, and he held out his arms to her offering comfort if not solace.
I"The first cut is the deepest, baby I know
The first cut is the deepest
I still want you by my side
just to help me dry the tears that I've cried
cause I'm sure gonna give you a try
and if you want, I'll try to love again
but baby, I'll try to love again, but I know."/I
"Brady, how can I tell him that I never stopped loving him when I hate his guts at the same time?" Belle collapsed onto her brother. "I get lost in him, I think he's my soul mate, the one I'm meant to be with, but he left me. For two and a half years, I didn't get a single letter, a phone call, nothing. He wrote to his great grandmother more than he wrote to me!" Belle started to cry again, the tears making little rivers down her cheeks, spoiling the make up she had contrived so artfully to cover the tracks of her tears so Shawn would never know she had wept bitterly for him. "I can't turn my emotions on and off like that. He can't go off and come back, without a word in between, and expect me to be the same, for me to open my arms to him and take him back so easily."
i"The first cut is the deepest, baby I know
The first cut is the deepest
'Cause when it comes to being lucky he's cursed
when it comes to lovin' me he's worst
but when it comes to being loved he's first
that's how I know
The first cut is the deepest, baby I know
The first cut is the deepest."/i
Brady seemed to be suffering from a coughing fit, a very prolonged coughing fit it seemed to her. Moving away from him, back as straight as a poker, Belle stared at him boldly. "Brady Victor Black, what do you know that I don't?"
"The whole 'not a word' thing?" He was looking rather guilty. Belle stiffened and her stare became harder.
"What about it?" Belle looked ready to throttle him if he didn't say what he meant soon.
Brady sighed. "Not true. There's something you probably ought to see." He took Belle by the hand, leading her out of the bedroom and into the guestroom. He opened the closet and reached up to take down a box. "Marlena sent these over when she found out Shawn was coming home. Apparently they thought it was best if you didn't read them."
"Who? Who thought it was best?" Belle eagerly snatched at the box, suspicion in her voice.
"Dad and Marlena. They told me not to give them to you until Shawn left again." Brady sighed. "Honestly, Tink, I didn't know that they existed."
Belle opened the box to find letters, postcards, and packages postmarked from all over the world, all addressed to Belle Black, and the address was always written in Shawn's familiar scrawl.
"Shawn must have written to me for two and a half years, and I never knew to reply," Belle sunk down to the floor, Brady beside her. She began sorting through everything, reading the old letters and opening the tiny parcels that held souvenirs from every part of the globe. There was a letter dated from the Sunday of every week, each lovingly written with details of his life, his plans, his future dreaming, and stuff about his friends too. Chris came up a lot, but so did Mark. Whatever Shawn felt about the Spanish girl, it was not the pure and consistent adoration he felt for Belle. Every line was saturated not with the sappiness of a teenage lustful crush, but with the soul searing agony of desired and denied true love, and she had thrown that love away. The tears began to flow again, more freely now. She had destroyed the one person who had loved her more than anything else in the world.
"Oh, Brady," she sobbed out slowly. "I have to find him."
"I thought you might say that," Brady jingled his keys and pulled her to her feet. "To the Black Mobile."
As they hurried outside and ran to the car, Belle said innocently, "I thought it was called Brady's Love Machine."
"Well, um," Brady stuttered out, slowly turning bright red at his younger sister's comment, "um, oh look, there's Hope! Hey Hope!"
"Hmm." She was fairly sure that the change of subject had been deliberate, but the name of her darling's mother sent Belle spinning around to see Hope and her two younger sons walking to Salem Place. With a sudden flash of hope and the sense that wishes could perhaps come true, she ran to her. "Please, do you know where Shawn is?"
Hope looked at them with a bleak and despairing expression on her lovely face, while her boys looked distraught. "Didn't you hear, Belle?" she asked mournfully. "Shawn's leaving Salem today. He wanted to visit his other relations before he returned to the Marines. I've just watched him get a taxi to the airport. The We Fly Anywhere Anytime Airlines flight is leaving in a few minutes. I felt sure he would have said goodbye to you."
"What? He can't!" Belle screeched, suddenly seeing the love of her life leaving forever.
"Come on, Tink, it's Brady to the rescue once again," Brady rushed Belle into the car, flung it into gear, and was off, racing to the airport.
"Step on it, Bray," Belle ordered as the brakes squealed as they took a corner fast. Switching on the radio and taking out her mobile phone, Belle started praying that she would be in time.
"Come on, come on," she muttered as the phone began to ring.
"Tink, I don't think Shawn has a cell phone," Brady pointed out gently.
"I'm not calling him!" Belle barked back. Then she started speaking so quickly to whoever was on the other end that Brady couldn't catch what she was saying.
Sighing with exasperation, Belle slammed her phone down. Time was short, chances were that they wouldn't make it to the airport on time. Mrs Horton hadn't known when the plane took off, but she did know that they didn't have long. Urging Brady onwards, Belle sought distraction in the scenery flying past and the music playing on the stereo.
i "You're a bitch, but."/i
Brady changed the station. As much as he liked 'Bowling for Soup', the song brought up unwanted memories of Chloe for him. He stopped at a slow golden oldie.
i "You're going to reap just what you sow."/i
Belle put her hand down and changed the station. The song had too many beautiful, terribly memories accompanying it.
i "I'll be your cryin' shoulder."/i
So did that one. Next station:
i "Every time our eyes meet, this feeling inside me."/i
Tears rising in her eyes, she changed it again.
i "All I need is a rhythm divine."/i
And again.
i "You'd better go now!" /i
She certainly didn't want to listen to that one, not now.
i "A thousand tears."i
"Damn it!" She flicked it again.
i "Lonely rivers flow to the sea, to the sea,
To the open arms of the sea."i
Infuriated and fiddling with the knob of the radio, Belle listened for the station that had helped to break Shawn's heart two and a half years before.
The same radio DJ as had played 'Go Now' for her still crackled away on the same station. Belle's heart leapt as she heard, "This is SYH Radio, here for Salem's Young Hearts, and our next song is dedicated to Isabella, from her Shawn Douglas, who says he's sorry for everything that's happened, but he's leaving. This is Bob Dylan from his recent album 'Time Out of Mind'."
The rasping, sad voice began to sing, and Belle could only pray that Shawn knew that she was listening, and that she didn't want their relationship to end as Bob's had.
i"I'm walkin' through the summer nights
the jukebox playing low
yesterday everything was goin' too fast
Today it's movin' too slow," /i
Shawn took the ticket hadn't to him by the airport employee and began to move away from Salem. He couldn't stay there anymore. The ear- piece of his radio played the song softly, and he wondered if Belle was listening, if she could understand what he was saying to her.
i "I got no place left to turn
I got nothin' left to burn
Don't know if I saw you if I would kiss you or kill you
It probably wouldn't matter to you anyhow
You left me standing in the doorway cryin'
I got nothin' to go back to now." /i
They were over. Not even Roy Orbison could fix this one. Shame was in his heart for being so weak as to love her still, with tears in his eyes, Shawn turned away from her, and walked on.
i "The light in this place is so bad
Makin' me sick in the head
All the laughter is just makin' me sad
The stars have turned cherry red
I'm strummin' on my gay guitar
Smokin' a cheap cigar
The ghost of our old love has not gone away
Don't look it like it will anytime soon
You left me standin' in the doorway cryin'
Under the midnight moon." /i
He was wrong, Belle knew, he had to be wrong. Yes, she had left him standing crying out for her, standing in the doorway of her hospital room the first time and the Brady pub the second, but that didn't mean he couldn't love her anymore, or that she couldn't love him.
i "Maybe they'll get me and maybe they won't
But not tonight and it won't be here
There are things I could say, but I don't
I know the mercy of God must be near
I been ridin a midnight train
Got ice water in my veins."/i
Brady winced. He knew the song, knew the next lines to come, and wanted to reach out to turn the radio off, but knew Belle wouldn't want that. So he let her hear, and hoped it wouldn't break her heart.
i "I would be crazy if I took you back
It would go up against every rule
You left me standin' in the doorway cryin'
Sufferin' like a fool.
When the last rays of daylight go down
Buddy you're old no more
I can hear the church bells ringin' in the yard
I wonder who they're ringin' for
I know I can't win
But my heart just won't give in."/i
Shawn thought of Chris, was glad she was happy, but knew his friendship with her wouldn't be the same. She had her love, he lost his, and as he waited for his plane to board, he wished her all the happiness he had lost for himself.
i "Last night I danced with a stranger
But she just reminded me you were the one
You left me standin' in the doorway cryin'
In the dark land of the sun."/i
Belle remembered Chris too, and realised how stupid she had been to ever think Shawn loved her as more than a friend. Chris was as unromantic to Shawn as Philip was to herself. With tears running down her face, she leaped from the car and ran for the airport, trailing Brady in her wake, with the last words of the song coming softly to her ears.
i "I eat when I'm hungry, drink when I'm dry
And live my life on the square
And even if the flesh falls off of my face
I know someone will be there to care
It always means so much
Even the softest touch
I see nothing to be gained by any explanation
There's no words that need to be said
You left me standin' in the doorway cryin'
Blues wrapped around my head." /i
The song finished, the DJ put something less melancholy on, and Belle raced through the airport in record time. She had an idea that Brady had just broken every speed law in existence to get her there, but that wasn't important, she would thank him later. Running through to the departure gate for We Fly Anywhere Anytime Airlines, Belle searched desperately for the sight of her Tough Boy.
Shawn with a sad smile handed his ticket to the airline stewardess, picked up his carry on luggage, and started to walk into the tunnel that led to the plane. His heart burned in his chest as he left Salem, but without Belle, it was for the best. With tears in his eyes, and a pain worse than anything he had endured for the past two and a half years, Shawn turned his back on Salem and everything in it. It was time to go.
She saw him then, and screamed his name out before he could go a step further. "Shawn!"
He turned, slowly, and saw Belle hurtling towards him, arms outstretched. He dropped his bag in shock, and felt Belle's tiny body, so dear to him, press into his own and he wrapped his arms around her cautiously, holding her up. "Belle, what are you doing here?"
"What do you think she's doing here, you idiot?" Yelled Brady coming to a stand still yards behind them, panting hard. "She doesn't want you to leave."
"I'm so sorry, Shawn," Belle wept into his shoulder, her whole frame shaking. "I don't want you to go. I need you."
It was then Shawn did something unexpected even by himself:
He let go of her, took a step back, and stared at Belle full in the face, his expression stony and cold. "It's too late. I came back, and you sent me away too many times, Belle. It's over. You'll just change your mind again, decide that I'm not what you want or I'll screw up and you won't be able to forgive me, or Stefano will do something and all of this will be gone again. I can't take the heartbreak anymore, Belle. Goodbye."
"No, Shawn, I love you, don't go, please. You said you'd love me forever." Belle was almost on her knees, and it seemed like the whole airport was watching their drama play out. The stewardess was wiping tears from her eyes, and reaching out to close the door to prevent Shawn from leaving. "Eternity wasn't long enough for us."
"Belle, I will love you for as long as I live, but I can't do this. It's too hard. Belle, without you, I'll never love again, but with you, there's only heart break. I can't stand the aching anymore, Belle. I love you, but we can't be together," he ran his fingers through his dark hair and tears came to his dark eyes and spread themselves over his thick lashes, "Don't you see? We only hurt each other and that's not good for either of us. Goodbye, Isabella," Shawn turned away from her, hoping she didn't hear the tremble in his voice or see the tears in his eyes, and Belle collapsed into Brady's arms, weeping inconsolably for her lost love. This time, he was the one to leave her, standing in the doorway crying, suffering like a fool.
The End - unless by popular demand, an epilogue is posted.
Song credits: 'Amazed' by Lonestar 'Perfect Day' by Lou Reed 'Go Now' by the Moody Blues 'Unchained Melody' by the Righteous Brothers 'The First Cut is the Deepest' by PP Arnold 'The Bitch Song' by Bowling for Soup 'I'll Be' by Edwin McCain 'Rhythm Divine' by Enrique Inglesias 'A Thousand Tears' by 'Standing in the Doorway' by Bob Dylan
How do you win back the girl of your dreams when both your hearts are shattered into a thousand pieces possibly beyond healing? Shawn repeated the question to himself again and again.
He had hoped Chris could help, but she had fallen madly in love with Belle's half brother Eric at first sight. Forgotten were her friend's problems, lost in the depths of a pair of blue eyes. He was happy for her, he really was. Chris was a good person, she deserved love, and Eric, after the Hell he and his family had been through, deserved someone to love and to be loved by, but it made Shawn feel isolated and lonely. When he had felt like this in Salem before, he had run to Belle. When he was at boarding school, he had isolated himself, putting up the barriers and walls that had turned him into the rebel that Belle had hated so much on his return. Shawn smiled a little, but it was a sad and bitter twist to his lips. There was no memory he had that he did not connect to his Isabella in some way. She was his world, his reality, his life, and now she hated him with a greater passion than he had felt possible for such a loving girl. He had to change that hate to love, or his heart would die within his breast as surely as if struck with a sword blade.
He had tried the previous night to forget her. He had gone to the Cheatin' Heart Bar, drunk something and wrapped his arms around a tall woman who couldn't have looked less like Belle. They had danced, but he couldn't remember the song. It had been slow. He knew that. He had held her close, smelt her hair, felt her fingers tease the back of his neck, and her arms slide against his, but it had meant nothing. He still loved Belle, she was the love of his life, and no matter how much he loved her and hated her, there was still only one of her.
Wandering through the chilled air, he saw his beautiful Belle sitting on a park bench, alone and disconsolate, a breeze fluttering her soft hair around her face, and the sunlight reflecting off it so it looked like the finest spun gold thread. Shawn walked over to her slowly, his leather jacket keeping his body warm, though his heart felt cold. He had waited two days for this, and he hoped she would not be in a fury with him still.
He flopped down into the seat beside her. "Belle, I need to talk to you."
Her eyes narrowed, and she took on the aspect of a wet and hissing cat, "Well I don't want to talk to you. You can not come back and expect me to fall into your arms, Shawn, because it's not going to happen. You broke my heart when you left. I can't forget that."
"You aren't totally innocent in all this either Belle!" Shawn exploded at last, against all of his better judgement, his Irish Greek temper getting the better of him just when he knew he should have stayed calm. "If I'd stayed, what do you think would have happened? You were dating every guy in town, getting drunk, for all I knew you were on drugs. We lost our baby and you lost your mind. I tried to help you, but you wouldn't let me near you, and it was breaking my heart to see you like that. Would you have changed or would you have still been the same even now? Belle, can't you see, I had to leave, otherwise I don't know what would have happened."
She stared at him coldly, an ice maiden again, her heart locked up tight. "You left because you couldn't cope. I was here by myself picking up the pieces of a life that had been ruined. I lost my baby, I don't remember you having anything to do with it except for that cheap encounter we had in my bedroom, when you took my virginity and left me pregnant."
Shawn was desperate to say the right thing, but when he looked at Belle and heard her words, he heard the truth. He had left her when she had lost their baby. She had carried it, not him, and the effect on her was far more devastating. He forgot all the reasons why he had left and remembered only abandoning his best friend, his soul mate, in her hour of need. It was his fault. It had to be his fault. Perhaps he should stop trying to win her back. He had done nothing but cause her pain for so long. Perhaps it was best if he left forever, cut his ties and returned to the sea leaving Belle to enjoy her new life alone. He stood up slowly, feeling as if he had taken a huge weight upon his shoulders, and walked slowly away from Belle, head bent in despair.
Later, when she had gone home and found the Ben & Jerry's ice cream she kept specially for when she started thinking about Shawn, Belle flipped her blonde hair over one shoulder and thought about what she had done, all of her rage drained out of her.
Then she started banging her head against the pink painted wall of her bedroom. She had been so stupid. She should have realised that Shawn was trying to make amends, to get back together, and she had thrown that chance away, twice. He still loved her, or had done when he had come back for her, but she might have killed that love now. She banged her head a little harder, the pain from the blows to the wall nothing compared to the pain in her heart. She would go to him, get down on her knees if she had to, and beg him to listen to her. She didn't care about dignity anymore. She didn't need her pride, it had never done her any good. Perhaps it wasn't even pride, perhaps it was vanity. She had been suffering from prejudice too long. She should just go up to him, tell him that she had always loved him even though they shared a brother, and kiss him like there was no tomorrow. Scarlett O'Hara's words echoed through Belle's mind, 'Tomorrow is another day,' but then so did Rhett's, 'Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.' She was praying to God that he didn't tell her that. Yet would he have returned to her if he didn't care anymore? Maybe he had just come to see his family again, there had been no contact between them for two and a half years, perhaps he had found he didn't really love her. Perhaps.
Brady opened her bedroom door with a hard push, interrupting her thoughts. She switched her radio on and pretended the banging sound had come from her dancing hard on the wooden part of the floor. It had to be a song about heartbreak that played first.
I"I would have given you all of my heart
but there's someone who's torn it apart
and he's taking almost all that I've got
but if you want, I'll try to love again
baby I'll try to love again but I know."
She scowled at him, "Don't you ever knock?"
"I've been knocking for the past ten minutes, Tink, you just weren't answering." Brady tugged her blonde hair teasingly and Belle stared into her brother's ice blue eyes with tears in her own. Brady finished more seriously, "So I hear a certain Shawn Douglas Brady is back in town."
Belle nodded her head slowly. "I saw him earlier."
"So?" Brady raised an eyebrow at her, giving her one of those looks.
I"The first cut is the deepest, baby I know
The first cut is the deepest"/I
Belle tried to lie to him, she really did, but the words wouldn't come.
I"'cause when it comes to being lucky he's cursed
when it comes to lovin' me he's worst
but when it comes to being loved he's first
that's how I know,"/I
Brady saw the torment in his baby sister's eyes, and hated it. With a single step forwards, he came within reach of her, and he held out his arms to her offering comfort if not solace.
I"The first cut is the deepest, baby I know
The first cut is the deepest
I still want you by my side
just to help me dry the tears that I've cried
cause I'm sure gonna give you a try
and if you want, I'll try to love again
but baby, I'll try to love again, but I know."/I
"Brady, how can I tell him that I never stopped loving him when I hate his guts at the same time?" Belle collapsed onto her brother. "I get lost in him, I think he's my soul mate, the one I'm meant to be with, but he left me. For two and a half years, I didn't get a single letter, a phone call, nothing. He wrote to his great grandmother more than he wrote to me!" Belle started to cry again, the tears making little rivers down her cheeks, spoiling the make up she had contrived so artfully to cover the tracks of her tears so Shawn would never know she had wept bitterly for him. "I can't turn my emotions on and off like that. He can't go off and come back, without a word in between, and expect me to be the same, for me to open my arms to him and take him back so easily."
i"The first cut is the deepest, baby I know
The first cut is the deepest
'Cause when it comes to being lucky he's cursed
when it comes to lovin' me he's worst
but when it comes to being loved he's first
that's how I know
The first cut is the deepest, baby I know
The first cut is the deepest."/i
Brady seemed to be suffering from a coughing fit, a very prolonged coughing fit it seemed to her. Moving away from him, back as straight as a poker, Belle stared at him boldly. "Brady Victor Black, what do you know that I don't?"
"The whole 'not a word' thing?" He was looking rather guilty. Belle stiffened and her stare became harder.
"What about it?" Belle looked ready to throttle him if he didn't say what he meant soon.
Brady sighed. "Not true. There's something you probably ought to see." He took Belle by the hand, leading her out of the bedroom and into the guestroom. He opened the closet and reached up to take down a box. "Marlena sent these over when she found out Shawn was coming home. Apparently they thought it was best if you didn't read them."
"Who? Who thought it was best?" Belle eagerly snatched at the box, suspicion in her voice.
"Dad and Marlena. They told me not to give them to you until Shawn left again." Brady sighed. "Honestly, Tink, I didn't know that they existed."
Belle opened the box to find letters, postcards, and packages postmarked from all over the world, all addressed to Belle Black, and the address was always written in Shawn's familiar scrawl.
"Shawn must have written to me for two and a half years, and I never knew to reply," Belle sunk down to the floor, Brady beside her. She began sorting through everything, reading the old letters and opening the tiny parcels that held souvenirs from every part of the globe. There was a letter dated from the Sunday of every week, each lovingly written with details of his life, his plans, his future dreaming, and stuff about his friends too. Chris came up a lot, but so did Mark. Whatever Shawn felt about the Spanish girl, it was not the pure and consistent adoration he felt for Belle. Every line was saturated not with the sappiness of a teenage lustful crush, but with the soul searing agony of desired and denied true love, and she had thrown that love away. The tears began to flow again, more freely now. She had destroyed the one person who had loved her more than anything else in the world.
"Oh, Brady," she sobbed out slowly. "I have to find him."
"I thought you might say that," Brady jingled his keys and pulled her to her feet. "To the Black Mobile."
As they hurried outside and ran to the car, Belle said innocently, "I thought it was called Brady's Love Machine."
"Well, um," Brady stuttered out, slowly turning bright red at his younger sister's comment, "um, oh look, there's Hope! Hey Hope!"
"Hmm." She was fairly sure that the change of subject had been deliberate, but the name of her darling's mother sent Belle spinning around to see Hope and her two younger sons walking to Salem Place. With a sudden flash of hope and the sense that wishes could perhaps come true, she ran to her. "Please, do you know where Shawn is?"
Hope looked at them with a bleak and despairing expression on her lovely face, while her boys looked distraught. "Didn't you hear, Belle?" she asked mournfully. "Shawn's leaving Salem today. He wanted to visit his other relations before he returned to the Marines. I've just watched him get a taxi to the airport. The We Fly Anywhere Anytime Airlines flight is leaving in a few minutes. I felt sure he would have said goodbye to you."
"What? He can't!" Belle screeched, suddenly seeing the love of her life leaving forever.
"Come on, Tink, it's Brady to the rescue once again," Brady rushed Belle into the car, flung it into gear, and was off, racing to the airport.
"Step on it, Bray," Belle ordered as the brakes squealed as they took a corner fast. Switching on the radio and taking out her mobile phone, Belle started praying that she would be in time.
"Come on, come on," she muttered as the phone began to ring.
"Tink, I don't think Shawn has a cell phone," Brady pointed out gently.
"I'm not calling him!" Belle barked back. Then she started speaking so quickly to whoever was on the other end that Brady couldn't catch what she was saying.
Sighing with exasperation, Belle slammed her phone down. Time was short, chances were that they wouldn't make it to the airport on time. Mrs Horton hadn't known when the plane took off, but she did know that they didn't have long. Urging Brady onwards, Belle sought distraction in the scenery flying past and the music playing on the stereo.
i "You're a bitch, but."/i
Brady changed the station. As much as he liked 'Bowling for Soup', the song brought up unwanted memories of Chloe for him. He stopped at a slow golden oldie.
i "You're going to reap just what you sow."/i
Belle put her hand down and changed the station. The song had too many beautiful, terribly memories accompanying it.
i "I'll be your cryin' shoulder."/i
So did that one. Next station:
i "Every time our eyes meet, this feeling inside me."/i
Tears rising in her eyes, she changed it again.
i "All I need is a rhythm divine."/i
And again.
i "You'd better go now!" /i
She certainly didn't want to listen to that one, not now.
i "A thousand tears."i
"Damn it!" She flicked it again.
i "Lonely rivers flow to the sea, to the sea,
To the open arms of the sea."i
Infuriated and fiddling with the knob of the radio, Belle listened for the station that had helped to break Shawn's heart two and a half years before.
The same radio DJ as had played 'Go Now' for her still crackled away on the same station. Belle's heart leapt as she heard, "This is SYH Radio, here for Salem's Young Hearts, and our next song is dedicated to Isabella, from her Shawn Douglas, who says he's sorry for everything that's happened, but he's leaving. This is Bob Dylan from his recent album 'Time Out of Mind'."
The rasping, sad voice began to sing, and Belle could only pray that Shawn knew that she was listening, and that she didn't want their relationship to end as Bob's had.
i"I'm walkin' through the summer nights
the jukebox playing low
yesterday everything was goin' too fast
Today it's movin' too slow," /i
Shawn took the ticket hadn't to him by the airport employee and began to move away from Salem. He couldn't stay there anymore. The ear- piece of his radio played the song softly, and he wondered if Belle was listening, if she could understand what he was saying to her.
i "I got no place left to turn
I got nothin' left to burn
Don't know if I saw you if I would kiss you or kill you
It probably wouldn't matter to you anyhow
You left me standing in the doorway cryin'
I got nothin' to go back to now." /i
They were over. Not even Roy Orbison could fix this one. Shame was in his heart for being so weak as to love her still, with tears in his eyes, Shawn turned away from her, and walked on.
i "The light in this place is so bad
Makin' me sick in the head
All the laughter is just makin' me sad
The stars have turned cherry red
I'm strummin' on my gay guitar
Smokin' a cheap cigar
The ghost of our old love has not gone away
Don't look it like it will anytime soon
You left me standin' in the doorway cryin'
Under the midnight moon." /i
He was wrong, Belle knew, he had to be wrong. Yes, she had left him standing crying out for her, standing in the doorway of her hospital room the first time and the Brady pub the second, but that didn't mean he couldn't love her anymore, or that she couldn't love him.
i "Maybe they'll get me and maybe they won't
But not tonight and it won't be here
There are things I could say, but I don't
I know the mercy of God must be near
I been ridin a midnight train
Got ice water in my veins."/i
Brady winced. He knew the song, knew the next lines to come, and wanted to reach out to turn the radio off, but knew Belle wouldn't want that. So he let her hear, and hoped it wouldn't break her heart.
i "I would be crazy if I took you back
It would go up against every rule
You left me standin' in the doorway cryin'
Sufferin' like a fool.
When the last rays of daylight go down
Buddy you're old no more
I can hear the church bells ringin' in the yard
I wonder who they're ringin' for
I know I can't win
But my heart just won't give in."/i
Shawn thought of Chris, was glad she was happy, but knew his friendship with her wouldn't be the same. She had her love, he lost his, and as he waited for his plane to board, he wished her all the happiness he had lost for himself.
i "Last night I danced with a stranger
But she just reminded me you were the one
You left me standin' in the doorway cryin'
In the dark land of the sun."/i
Belle remembered Chris too, and realised how stupid she had been to ever think Shawn loved her as more than a friend. Chris was as unromantic to Shawn as Philip was to herself. With tears running down her face, she leaped from the car and ran for the airport, trailing Brady in her wake, with the last words of the song coming softly to her ears.
i "I eat when I'm hungry, drink when I'm dry
And live my life on the square
And even if the flesh falls off of my face
I know someone will be there to care
It always means so much
Even the softest touch
I see nothing to be gained by any explanation
There's no words that need to be said
You left me standin' in the doorway cryin'
Blues wrapped around my head." /i
The song finished, the DJ put something less melancholy on, and Belle raced through the airport in record time. She had an idea that Brady had just broken every speed law in existence to get her there, but that wasn't important, she would thank him later. Running through to the departure gate for We Fly Anywhere Anytime Airlines, Belle searched desperately for the sight of her Tough Boy.
Shawn with a sad smile handed his ticket to the airline stewardess, picked up his carry on luggage, and started to walk into the tunnel that led to the plane. His heart burned in his chest as he left Salem, but without Belle, it was for the best. With tears in his eyes, and a pain worse than anything he had endured for the past two and a half years, Shawn turned his back on Salem and everything in it. It was time to go.
She saw him then, and screamed his name out before he could go a step further. "Shawn!"
He turned, slowly, and saw Belle hurtling towards him, arms outstretched. He dropped his bag in shock, and felt Belle's tiny body, so dear to him, press into his own and he wrapped his arms around her cautiously, holding her up. "Belle, what are you doing here?"
"What do you think she's doing here, you idiot?" Yelled Brady coming to a stand still yards behind them, panting hard. "She doesn't want you to leave."
"I'm so sorry, Shawn," Belle wept into his shoulder, her whole frame shaking. "I don't want you to go. I need you."
It was then Shawn did something unexpected even by himself:
He let go of her, took a step back, and stared at Belle full in the face, his expression stony and cold. "It's too late. I came back, and you sent me away too many times, Belle. It's over. You'll just change your mind again, decide that I'm not what you want or I'll screw up and you won't be able to forgive me, or Stefano will do something and all of this will be gone again. I can't take the heartbreak anymore, Belle. Goodbye."
"No, Shawn, I love you, don't go, please. You said you'd love me forever." Belle was almost on her knees, and it seemed like the whole airport was watching their drama play out. The stewardess was wiping tears from her eyes, and reaching out to close the door to prevent Shawn from leaving. "Eternity wasn't long enough for us."
"Belle, I will love you for as long as I live, but I can't do this. It's too hard. Belle, without you, I'll never love again, but with you, there's only heart break. I can't stand the aching anymore, Belle. I love you, but we can't be together," he ran his fingers through his dark hair and tears came to his dark eyes and spread themselves over his thick lashes, "Don't you see? We only hurt each other and that's not good for either of us. Goodbye, Isabella," Shawn turned away from her, hoping she didn't hear the tremble in his voice or see the tears in his eyes, and Belle collapsed into Brady's arms, weeping inconsolably for her lost love. This time, he was the one to leave her, standing in the doorway crying, suffering like a fool.
The End - unless by popular demand, an epilogue is posted.
Song credits: 'Amazed' by Lonestar 'Perfect Day' by Lou Reed 'Go Now' by the Moody Blues 'Unchained Melody' by the Righteous Brothers 'The First Cut is the Deepest' by PP Arnold 'The Bitch Song' by Bowling for Soup 'I'll Be' by Edwin McCain 'Rhythm Divine' by Enrique Inglesias 'A Thousand Tears' by 'Standing in the Doorway' by Bob Dylan