Virus Edward
Mike256bit [mike_256bit@hotmail.com]

A Cowboy Bebop based fanfic.

Disclaimer: I don' own Cowboy Bebop or its creations. I DO own a model of the Delorian from "Back to the Future: Part 2"

Warning: Don't eat paste.

My notes: Radical Edward is YEOW! She is killer -- just awesome. Inspired Mike to talk in third person, and Mike's developed a taste for shitake mushrooms.

When you get to the "Cowboy Bebop", just think commercial break!

My point is, don't get all bitchy if I do something a li'l bit, -- or a lotta bit -- differently. So from here on in, you know the deal. Title 17 of the copyright law applies -- I don't own Cowboy Bebop or its contingents, but I own the story. Don't rip me.

Oh, and that, I love criticism, however: flames will be promptly and swiftly laughed at, severely stored in a separate file, and removed later without haste for further comic relief.

I make up words so terriciously frequently.

 
Wee! Blast off!!

--

Jesus, so much yelling.

Still in his wrinkled mess of clothing from the day before, Spike flipped over onto his stomach, to what he figured would be a nice cool part of the bed, rather than the sweaty place he left back-down before rolling. However, his side met with the floor, feet still draped up over the edge of the couch. With only a slightly larger migraine than before, he looked up between the table and sofa, seeing Faye's deathly pale and tired face. Of course, granting that she was wearing a night shirt and barely anything else but the tightest underwear he'd ever seen, he could view a bit more than she probably would have liked him to -- had she been awake, that is.

"Why won't she shut up," she muttered curtly, grinding her teeth. Spike scratched his head, realizing why the screaming seemed so loud.

"Got me. Talk to her, it's her mouth." Turning onto his stomach, he sighed at the cool contact, forgetting the minor in between incident as he met with his prior goal. The screaming didn't seem like such a big deal once his hangover kicked back in.

Faye turned her mouth up, narrowed eyes to accompany the sneer. Marching the short distance to her place behind the couch, Faye stopped, looking down at the rustle of red hair. Whatever she said was drowned out by another burst of vocal explosion.

Faye, figuring it would be easier to see the cause rather than try to get it explained, snatched the goggles in one felt swoop.

"Hey!"

Ignoring her, Faye jammed them to her eyes, wincing as she did it a bit harder than she had planned to. It was difficult to control the ol' muscles when you've only had two hours of sleep. Drinking binges with Spike were officially out for the year.

Her eyes focused, immediately resulting in a sigh. It was amazing as to how Edward's laughter could sound so much like a hyena's howl . . . "Ed," Faye grumbled, dropping the goggles back into the hacker's awaiting hands. "Stop looking up the old Theory of Relativity."

Ed struggled to hold in her fit of giggles as she strapped the goggles back on. "But it's sooooooo funny!!" Her defenses failed her and she collapsed to her back in a torrent of laughter. Faye moaned silently, wallowing in the irony that she'd need to do a lot more drinking to get out of her alcohol induced insomnia.

Spike popped an eye open, looking up as Faye passed. Noting only briefly the rise of her backside, he spoke: "Theory of Relativity again?"

Faye turned before disappearing into the dark hallway. "What else?"


Session --: Virus Edward


The view screen flickered as Spike kicked the table in a small atomic explosion of rage. 'Bigshot' was one annoying show. "Another bounty we should'a had," he mumbled, biting a cigarette from the pack he held up to his mouth. He lit it, tossing his lighter across the room in a smaller after shock of anger.

"Ow!" Ed yelped, rubbing her head. "What was that for?!"

Spike didn't respond, only staring darkly at the amused grin on Jet's face. "This is funny to you?"

"Very funny."

"Kiss ass, Jet, kiss ass."

"Well," the only slightly older fellow answered, leaning forward to readjusting the tabled console. "Maybe this'll teach you and Faye to chill it on the binges. We WOULD have had that bounty had you not been drunk off your ass."

"It was her fault. She had the drinks," Spike said with a scowl, taking a quick drag. He sighed to himself, thinking about how the flavor was always lost when you did it fast.

"Man, if you two hated each other any more I'd swear you were married." Jet smirked at the fiery look that lit up in Spike's eyes. "And," he continued prodding as the screen came back on. "If she lead you around any more, I'd swear you were whipped!"

"It's drinking; I like to drink." Spike's lazy eyes dipped back down to the screen where the bounty from before still hung. "RGH!" Kicking the table again, Spike hopped up, tossing his cigarette to the floor as he stalked out of the room. Jet chuckled, calmly getting up to step on the cigarette.

"That's how ships combust, ya dumbass!"

"Go to hell!" Spike's voice rang back, followed quickly by a door slam. Jet sat back down, still laughing tiredly.

"Spike-spike sounded maaaad."

"Yeah, well Spike-spike needs to learn how to be responsible."

Edward popped her head up over the backside of the couch, staring at the screen as 'Bigshot' shut off. "Why's he so angry?" She pointed to the screen, giving a brief wild flare to her hand. She curled them back to a fist, pointing with a single finger this time. "Edward means, the bad guy was caught! Justice prevails!" She bent her arm up at the elbow, pumping her fist." Hooray for the good guys!"

"It's all about the money, Ed."

"Oh. So Spike's greedy, too? Ed though only Faye-faye was THAT low. . ."

Jet again chuckled; he had more tolerance for the young one than some of his colleagues did. "It doesn't quite work that way, Ed. We were tailing that guy for a while, and we had all the leads. So, logic says we should have had the bounty. But no one seems to remember lady contrivance when they're considering logical progression. Spike got his head so high in the drinkin' clouds that he couldn't tell a steel beam to the face from a flick to his nose. So, someone else got to the bounty ridin' our coat tails. Spike is just having a hard time realizing that it's his fault."

Ed nodded and suddenly flipped up over the couch, landing next to Jet, with her head draped down near the floor. She waggled her feet over the edge of the sofa and looked shiningly up to Jet. "Lookit what Ed can do!" Bringing her hands to her mouth -- fingers out, -- she gave a heavy breath, a fart sound filling the air.

Jet sighed, bringing his less organic hand to his forehead. "Why do I even talk?"

Ed ceased her sounds, looking back up at Jet. "Ed's bored, Jet. Wanna surf the net with meeeeee?" She looked to him fondly, kicking her legs. She pushed her hands off the floor and kicked her legs forward, tumbling back to a sitting position with her back to Jet. Rolling her head back, she smiled. "Weeelll?"

Jet shook his head. "Sorry Ed, I just wanna relax right now."

"Okay!" Hopping back to her feet, she jumped over the couch, skidding to a stop in front of her computer. "Internet mcdinterfet! Time for Ed to do some scourin'!" In a snap her goggles were on and her fingers were flying. As soon as her auto search algorithm was set -- mostly containing search strings like 'cheese' and 'Now and Laters' -- she sat back as a myriad of screens flashed before her eyes.

Watching her for only a moment, Jet turned back to the screen. He furrowed his brow as 'Bigshot' came back on. "Special update?" he mumbled, settling back into the worn couch. "Another new bounty for the week. . ."

"Hehe. . ." Ed mumbled, leaning forward, as though trying to get a better look into her goggles.

Jet gave no glance, staring at the screen. "ISSP targeters, eh? Handy with viruses. . . hey Ed!"

Ed did not answer.

"Ed?" Jet turned, looking to the now still figure. "Ed? I think we got one suited for your--"

"EIIIIIIIII!!!!" Ed's limbs exploded outward as she, seemingly smoking from all points, fell back in a dead wake. "Uah. . . blamo. . ." The cord from her goggles pulled from her console, and the view in the eye-visors was on the screen. One of Ed's icons, with a particularly disparaged face bounced on the screen.

"Ed!" Jet hopped over the couch, quickly sidling next to Ed's limp form. "Edward!" He slid his left hand under her head, cradling her as he lightly smacked her a few times. "Wake up, damnit!" He snatched the goggles off her head, reeling back a bit as he saw her tiny pupils. ". . . Ed?"


The blur cleared, the three pillars around her focusing. "Oh, Ed can see!"

Jet sighed, scratching his head. "How're you doing, Ed?" She looked around, seeing that she was on the couch. Jet stared at her from behind the armrest, giving her the faintest flush feeling as she stared back. Faye seemed disinterested, leaning on the back of the couch, as Spike sat nearby on the table he'd so despised.

"Edward. . . needs her computer."

"Wha'fer?" Spike inquired as Jet came back with her companion.

"If, if it's what Ed thinks it is. . ." she rubbed her forehead, letting out a rush of air. "Then, then--"

"Here ya go, Ed!" Jet leaned down to set the console on the table; causing Spike to scoot down. She quickly sat up, her goggles on before the computer tapped on the table. She typed furiously, a dispirited sneer appearing on her face. She shakily tapped another button, sighing at what was revealed.

"Virus. . ." she mumbled, tugging her goggles down.

"Yeah, so?" Faye muttered, looking down. "You know how to fix this stuff."

"NO!" Ed jumped up, pulling her computer up and on its corner. "Virus EDWARD! EDWARD has the virus!!" Her breathing raced a bit as she covered her mouth, her eyes similar to the way Jet had found them. "Ed's been hit with a virus. . ."

Faye, in her way of missing all the important details, still questioned. "So? I don't get it; fix your computer."

Ed's eye twitched most uncharacteristically as she turned, again tugging the goggles from the computer. "NO!!!!! EDWARD'S BRAIN HAS A VIRUS!!" All three of the by standards exchanged glances, all realizing the implication and near impossibility of this.

"You," Spike pointed, "have a computer virus?"

"How would THAT work?" Jet asked, sitting down on the arm rest.

"Well," Ed sighed, pulling her goggles up over her head. She ran a hand through her hair, dropping the goggles to the floor. "The brain IS a computer. It functions on the same basis as a microchip. There are exchanges of electrical impulses and switches that go on and off that function just like an NPU! Er, CPU, Ed meant to say. The only difference is that the brain operates on chemical exchanges, while MOST of today's computers still operate on hardware connections. There are only a handful of computers that act like the brain completely, working with chemical connections."

"You mean, like, super huge databases have adopted chemical computers?" Spike leaned forward, intrigued. This, remotely, he thought, might mean a bounty.

"Yup! Things like the ISSP database and the astrogate systems operate by these computers."

"I heard about that," Jet mumbled. "One of my ISSP ties mentioned this software change. I was surprised, I figured information like this might be kept a bit tighter. Ya think?"

Ed nodded. "Yeah, if it were unknown, normal viruses wouldn't be able to infect it. Chemical systems require chemically programmed virii."

"So," Faye said, her attention grabbed. "A chemical system can only be infected by a chemical virus."

"Right!"

"So," Spike picked up, "you got a virus intended for one of these databases."

"Cooorrrect! In fact, I know which database."

"How?" Jet asked.

Smiling almost sheepishly, Ed sat back. "Well, being the super genius Ed is, Ed figured that she didn't want to pay for internet access! So, Edward reasoned that hacking into one of the larger databases would go pretty well unnoticed. One day, Ed took it upon her self to root into the ISSP's internet protocol. . . hehe. . . so Edward gets all incoming information before the ISSP does."

Jet's brain sparked as he looked to the dead screen of the telecommunicator. "The virus you got was headed for the ISSP?"

Ed blushed and nodded. "Completely intercepted."

"So what's it going to do to you?" Spike asked.

Edward sighed, kicked her feet up on Spike's knee. He put his tongue in his cheek and slid his leg the side, making her feet fall back to the floor. She stuck her tongue out, taking a deep breath. "That Edward does not know. Ed can't access her brain with her computer!" She laughed girlishly, giving them a very 'duh' face. "I don't have a USB port in my face."

Spike shrugged when Faye looked at him strangely. "The hell's a USB port?"

"Awanoh."

"Wait," Jet mumbled, idling with his fingers. "This reminds me of something. You guys remember Scratch?"

Spike whistled. "Unfortunately. That guy was crazy." He leveled his eyes to Faye for a moment, giving her a faint smile. "Of course, the day wasn't all bad."

Faye looked away with the trace of a blush.

"Ed," Jet posed as Ein came into the room. "Could we maybe use the Brain Dream equipment that Scratch group did a while back?" Before Ed could answer, Ein gave a series of barks before leaving.

"Absolutely Ein! If we had the system, Edward could definitely reverse the mechanism and view Ed's noggin!" Jet rolled his eyes and was again on his feet.

"So is she gonna die?" Faye looked to Spike.

"Bet you a quart of whiskey that she doesn't."

"You're on!" She sneered, narrowing her eyes.

"Uh, that's not really nice, you guys." Ed pouted a bit, slicing a finger below her chin.

Spike shrugged. "Sorry Ed, didn't mean it--"

"No! Ed wants in! Ed wants a li'l whiskey if she doesn't die." Spike gave one of the wriest looks he'd held since Faye had nearly fallen into the ship's engine.

"Sounds good to me, Faye's the one who thinks you'll die."

"I found it!" Jet exclaimed as he walked in, bouncing the visor on the box in his hands. Spike was forced off the table entirely and took a place next to Ed. Jet sat down on the other side of Ed, as she leaned forward, reorganizing a few of the necessary connections. She pulled on the visor and few silent moments passed.

Spike was just drifting off as Ed suddenly exclaimed, pulling off the visor. "Ed knows what's going to happen!"

Jet looked over, peering at the multitude of codes displayed across the screen. "What's the low down, Ed?"

"Well, the ISSP computer frame utilizes optical receivers. They act just like eyes, so coding becomes extremely specific. After all, no two sets of eyes see in exactly the same patterns. This means color omissions and stuff, and thus, limits the registering of certain wavelengths. Well, certain optic receivers have these certain wavelength calibration. Only the ISSP's are one of a kind, and this virus is meant for those. Edward's optic receivers transfer the data and coding a little differently. The virus was meant to pretty much make the ISSP go blamo!"

"YES!" Faye exclaimed. "I'M GETTING WHISKEY!!" All glanced at her, two particularly disdainful.

"Any. . . how. . . because of Ed's eyes being different, the codes no longer call for a total melt down. . . rather. . . the virus in Edward's brain will onlllllyyyy make Edward a biiitt moorrrre. . . let's say, eccentric. . ." The pause was deafening.

"Even. . ." Spike stumbled.

". . . More. . ." Faye swallowed.

". . . Wild?" Jet asked numbly as they all turned to look at her.

She flashed them an innocent smile, a sheepish laugh snaking through. Ein returned to the fray and glanced at the three entranced crew members. Edward scratched her head as Ein barked twice, then whining a particularly long whine.

Cowboy Bebop.