Scene V

Setting: Main square. Melvin stands in front of the post office. Bolshevik is in his butcher shop, while Mr. Periwinkle sits in front of the pawnshop. Pisclapski is in the butcher shop as well, washing counters, etc., behind Bolshevik.

At rise: Victoria enters from stage right. She has a basket over one arm and clearly intends to do some shopping. She pauses when Melvin addresses her.

Melvin: Hiya there, Vickie!

Victoria (snootily): My name, Melvin, is Victoria, but you may call me Mrs. Hawthorne. I do not like to be addressed in such a familiar manner.

Melvin: WELL, pardon me, ma'am. I've known you since you were this big (holds his hand knee height) and had your hair in pigtails, and you want me to call you Mrs. Hawthorne?! Why you used to come and sit on my knee when you was just a youngun. (Victoria begins to wander off. Melvin continues his tirade.) I still remember when your pa wore knickers! Just a little thing! (Notices Victoria is gone. Slowly walks offstage, still muttering to himself.) Now, then, Mrs. Hawthorne.... (Two figures walk on from stage right carrying travel cases. It is Fursock Holmes and Edison Watts. Holmes has the telegram clutched in one hand and appears to be lecturing Watts on something.)

Holmes: Now then, Watts, I wonder if the good people of this fine town have told us everything there is to know. They may have just heard of my noble reputation (straightens his tie) and concocted a mystery to try and fool me. It's been done before. But we'll beat them at their own game. (Sees Bolshevik and says in an aside to Watts): My deductive powers tell me this man is a butcher. (To Bolshevik.) I say, my good man, would you be so kind as to tell me where I can find a Mr. (glances at the telegram) Reginald Hawthorne? (Bolshevik sizes Holmes up, decides he's not worth the effort to ignore, and answers.)

Bolshevik: Down that way. (Points off stage left.) Mayor's office.

Holmes: Thank you, sir. And what would your name be?

Bolshevik: (Grunts.) Time to chop some more meat. Business is booming.... (Watts looks around and notices there are no customers in the shop.)

Watts (nervously): Doesn't it strike you as odd that he doesn't want to talk to us?

Holmes: Not at all, my dear Watts. He's probably the ringleader behind it all. A most suspicious character. We will have to watch him closely. (Holmes and Watts turn and are about to start walking in the direction Bolshevik pointed them, when Mayor Hawthorne himself walks on from stage left and sees them. Bustles over importantly. Unnoticed, Helga Swenson enters from stage left carrying a package and walks over to the butcher shop.)

Hawthorne: I say, you must be Fursock Holmes. And who would be this man here? (Looks at Watts.)

Watts: I'm Edison Watts, sir, but my friends call me Eddie. Would you be Reginald Hawthorne?

Hawthorne: Yes, that's me. I'm the mayor of this fine town of Butchersville. I tell you, this one is a humdinger.

Holmes (who feels like things are getting out of hand): Yes, yes, that's all very fine and wonderful. Just where is this victim you were talking about? (Hawthorne opens his mouth to reply but is cut off by Helga shouting at Bolshevik.)

Helga: I won't stand for it anymore! (Hawthorne, Holmes, and Watts wheel to look at her, then walk over. Holmes looks interested. Pisclapski is sweeping the butcher shop, but stops and listens when Helga starts yelling. Bolshevik himself has come outside and stands in front of the door with his arms crossed.)

Holmes: Just what won't you stand for, ma'am?

Helga: My meat! I bought it yesterday, fresh out of his butcher shop, and when I took it home and opened it, it was all slimy and yucky and-- (stops and peers at Bolshevik suspiciously)--and glowing. I want some proper meat now, before I call the constable!

Bolshevik: My meat is always good. She must have ruined it herself.

Helga (in a rage): And why would I do that? I needed that meat for supper last night! I had to go pull some older stuff out of the cupboards!

Bolshevik (firmly): I do not sell bad meat!

Hawthorne (hastily): Now, now, let's not lose our tempers here. We'll sort this all out in time. (Sighs.) I'm afraid this isn't a very nice reception we've given you, Mr. Holmes. Come, I'll show you to where you'll be staying. (Leads Holmes and Watts off stage right. Helga glares at Bolshevik for a moment, then follows them. Bolshevik angrily resumes chopping meat, and Pisclapski reluctantly begins sweeping again. Curtains close.)