Scene IX

Setting: The main square, morning.

At rise: The square is packed with villagers of all sorts. When the curtains open, Holmes bangs a gavel on the podium he standing at, and calls for attention. Reginald Hawthorne is standing nearby, looking very excited.

Holmes: Now, then, I have called this village meeting for a very important reason. As everyone knows, I am a wonderful detective, who can solve the most puzzling mysteries. Recently it was brought to my attention that--

Melvin (shouting from the back): So get to the point already!

Holmes (ignoring Melvin): Last night another member of your community--Miss Charlotte Hornswallow, director of the ladies' finishing school--was viciously attacked by the same creature that terrified Mrs. Flora Monte. Last night I discovered that creature was none other than the Hound of Butchersville! (All the ladies gasp audibly.)

Crumb: If you'll excuse me, I thought the Hound of Butchersville had left many years ago.

Holmes (annoyed): Yes, but obviously it's come back!

Clementine (wonderingly): Then who's been taking care of it?

Melvin: It must be someone among us! (All chatter nervously among themselves. Holmes bangs his gavel again.)

Holmes: That what I'm here to tell you! The owner of this disgusting beast is none other than your very own butcher, Vladimir Bolshevik! (All turn and stare at Bolshevik. Minerva starts edging away from him. He glares menacingly back at them.)

Hélène (shouting from the middle of the crowd): That's a lie! (Pushes her way to the front and glowers at Holmes.) Mr. Bolshevik would never do something like that!

Bolshevik: At least there's one person here who knows their butcher! I don't even own a dog!

Holmes: Nonsense! It is you, and I can prove it.

Minerva: Arrest him, Holmes!

Hélène: No!

Mr. Periwinkle: Yes! This man is a dangerous criminal!

Bolshevik: This is stupid. I need to get back to my butcher shop.

Watts: Holmes, you're so smart! I thought it was Pisclapski all along.

Holmes: that was foolish of you, Watts. Anyone can tell just by looking that Pisclapski doesn't have the kind of brains needed to pull off an operation like this.

Mr. Periwinkle: Yeah, Slops could never do anything that smart.

Pisclapski (outraged): Of COURSE I have the brains to do it! I did! (Stops suddenly and realizes that he is making a confession. Everyone turns and stares at Pisclapski. Holmes looks shocked, but quickly recovers.)

Holmes: As you can see, Watts, I suspected Pisclapski all along, but I knew it wouldn't work to confront him using the method that I did with his brother. This was all carefully planned out, you now. I knew that if he looked like a fool, he would immediately defend his honor. I couldn't tell you because you might have let it slip out.

Watts (in awe): Aaah.

Bolshevik (in disgust): Stupid villagers. I told you it wasn't me.

Clementine: But why did you do this, Piggy?

Victoria: Yes, why on earth would someone do something so vulgar as keeping a mongrel like that one?

Pisclapski (scowling): I wanted his butcher shop. I had my hound steal meat and take it back to the butcher shop, then snuck those packages into the meat people bought the next day. I figured they wouldn't let Vlad stay if they thought he was using bad meat. Then I could have the shop.

Charlotte: But how did you make its mouth glow?

Pisclapski: I put glow-in-the-dark gel into his mouth so he could see where he was going. He's old and doesn't have any teeth, and his eyesight's not what it used to be.

LeGrande: So now the question is, what should we do with Pisclapski?

Hawthorne (importantly): Yes, a very good question. I think a few days in the village jail would bring him to his senses. (Pisclapski scowls and looks defiant.)

Watts: It was Vladimir Bolshevik he was trying to hurt. Maybe he can think of a punishment worthy of such a crime. (General agreement is heard from the crowd.)

Holmes: So what do you have in mind for your brother, Mr. Bolshevik?

Bolshevik: Piggy, you are demoted to washing walls. (Pisclapski looks crestfallen.) But--(Pisclapski looks hopeful)--when you turn twenty-one I will make you a half-owner. You will have to work hard. Do you agree?

Pisclapski: Of course I agree! Thank you so much, Vlad! I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused you.

Bolshevik: That's okay.

Minerva: You mean you're just letting him off?!

Helga (disappointed): Yeah, why don't you punish him a little more? He deserves it!

Bolshevik (gruffly): He is my brother. I punish him the Bolshevik way. (LeGrande beams at them. Crowd starts to disperse. Bolshevik and Pisclapski walk off together.)

Holmes: Well, Watts, another successful case in my career has come to a close.

Watts: Yes, I suppose it's back to Breaker Street for us. (LeGrande hurries up.)

LeGrande: You'll be leaving now, then?

Watts: Yes, just as soon as we can get a train. We just have to stop by the boarding house and pick up our luggage.

LeGrande: Well, it was good to have you here, Watts. And Fursock--(Pauses.) It was rather interesting to finally meet you in person.

Holmes (grandly): Ah yes, the heart always rejoices to meet such intellect as mine, does it not?

LeGrande: (Coughs.) Yes, yes, quite.

Watts: Good to meet you, LeGrande. You'll have to visit Breaker Street sometime.

LeGrande (thoughtfully): Maybe I'll do that. Goodbye.

Watts: Goodbye. (Watts and LeGrande shake hands, then Watts and Holmes turn and begin to walk slowly offstage. Holmes brings out his bubble pipe and starts to blow bubbles. LeGrande looks after them for a moment, then shakes his head and walks off the other direction. Curtains close.)