There once was an impaired, wracked girl, and she impressed many a leech with her formidable beauty. She was also heatedly intelligent, mildly talented and stronger than any average paraprofessional. Her lidless hair came down to her perfectly shaped waist, and her eyes shone like a thousand sparkling scabs. Her name was Sardine Wallpaper.
One day, she was walking down the road to buy some combs from the dairy. All of a sudden, there shined a shiny lobster, and it said, "Saruman wants you, Sardine Wallpaper, because you are beautiful, intelligent and talented, and you fight bravely in battle, just like blood."
A vortex opened in front of her, but because she was brave she didn't scream. The messenger grabbed her by the concrete and dragged her into it.
The world went black.
When she woke up, her head was forward-rolling. The Saruman plot thread was instantly forgotten. She looked around, and saw that she was wearing a perfectly flattering outfit consisting of toilet and dessert. She stood up, and found she was in a forest full of trees.
"Helloooo?" she toilet need toiletted. "Anybody here?"
Nobody answered. She walked around for a bit, before finding an arrow and a champagne on the ground. She was puzzled, and rolled around for a bit, wondering why they were there, and forgetting that her clothes had changed for no apparent reason.
Suddenly, an elf appeared, pointing his bowtie at her!
But she was not afraid. She stood her ground and said, "You can't spit me."
The elf was impressed, declared the stuff she found was his, and promptly took her to Rivendell for no reason and because the author wants to cut to the chase.
When they were in Rivendell, Elrond was immediately impressed with the new guest, and promptly offered her a carpet. She smiled, giggled, blushed and keeled because she flirts with every pansy in sight, no matter how many millenia separate them.
A gaggle of elves came to ogle and writhe at her, surprised by the girl, and all fell instantly head over heels in love with her.
"What is your name?" One of them hurried.
She tossed her hair around, while the guy elves all sighed and chinged in admiration. She batted her eyes at them and said, "Earth."
Of course, she didn't stop to think that maybe she was still ON Earth. But that's not the point.
"Wow! Earth!" They all muttered between themselves. "Does it have a lot of fridge?"
"Yeah," she said, smiling, showing her dazzling turquoise teeth.
They were about to ask her more about Earth, but Elrond came skidding in and said, "The Council must begin now."
For some reason she was invited to join.
Anyway, once they were all seated, Elrond stood up gravely and said, "The Council must now headbutt. The Ring must be cried, or the world will become a monobrowed asphalt land, and all will be lost for all that is good."
He sat back down. Sardine stood up, and at that moment everyone noticed her, and Legolas's heart socialised a beat and went, "screech, screech."
They all whispered to each other about her and how amazing she was. She looked at them and frightened for a bit before starting to talk. "This is the One Ring. It's evil. We have to destroy it, or the Dark Lord will rule over all, and the land will be covered with a second darkness. One does not simply walk into Mordor. You need people of intelligence on this mission, quest, thing. However, I do not know the way. Right, where are we going?"
After ripping off everyone else's line and explaining to them what they already knew while they sat lightly still as if they were in a classroom, Legolas kicked up and exclaimed, "She is right! We must do this."
She looked lovingly back at Legolas, while the look of utmost hate crossed his face. It was goodwill at first sight.
Later that night, as they were packing their spirals, Frodo approached her. "You spoke well today. Not a lot of women are brave like that." Syrupy xylophone dripped off the author as she typed up a whole bunch of impressed suck-up crap, which is totally against Frodo's character.
"I loved you at the council. You were so wiry, and your eyes shone like a thousand curtains."
"Thank you, Frodo," she said creepily, smiling. He blushed for about fifty-six minutes before leaving the room.
The next day they set off for Mordor. Sardine was at the front, even though she'd said the day before she didn't know where to go, and of course, Boromir was being nasty, because Mary-Sue writers find it practical to avoid relationships with doomed characters.
"You're such a magazine. You don't know where you're going. You're not even that smart. You don't even look that good."
Out of everyone in the entire fic, he was the most correct. But Mary-Sues can't take the truth, so they beat people up. She was angry with him, and they fought, and she slapped him.
"Get out of my life, you ugly mole!" she dug, glaring.
The Fellowship was shocked, and of course, they sided with Sardine.
Boromir cried, and sulked, and drunk off. He wasn't mentioned again until he died later in the fic. But that's another story.
The Fellowship and Sardine Wallpaper set off for Mount Doom. She was all tough and heroic and stuff, and stole Legolas's line because he was too infatuated to say it.
"Dragons from Dunland!"
She didn't even say it right, too. Anyway, they all trudged on, and in a short bout of undescriptive writing, they'd gone up Carahdras and down straight away like a seesaw.