Three days had passed since Will Riker woke up and Deanna still had not had a chance to sit down with him and discuss the baby and their future together. The doctors kept him busy with physical therapy and there always seemed to be at least one member of the medical staff in the room making it impossible for the two of them to have any sort of personal conversation.
Deanna had resumed her normal duties though her appointment schedule was kept light so that she may spend as much time with Will as was possible. When they were together they talked mostly of the mundane events of each other's day, carefully avoiding any subject involving the events that had transpired while he was gone. Deanna could sense that some vague and frightening memories of his imprisonment had slowly begun surfacing, but she also sensed that he was still unable to articulate these disjointed images. She just hoped that he would talk about it when he was ready. What worried her most though was the mental block he had placed up around him, intentionally keeping himself distant from her. She tried to look past it, but the distance was getting to great to ignore. They had to talk soon before the distance became insurmountable.
Riker made wonderful progress and was released to his quarters on the fourth day. Deanna came off of her bridge shift to find Will packing up his belongings.
"Finally drove the sickbay staff crazy enough to get yourself kicked out." Deanna stood in the doorway of his private room, a playful smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.
Will looked up from his task, startled by her presence. "I still am not cleared for duty, but at least I can sleep in my own bed and be without people constantly hovering over me."
Not knowing how to interpret his last statement, her sense of him still vague because of the blocks he kept firmly in place, she simply nodded. Deanna was getting frustrated, but she did not let her frustration show. He had a lot to deal with and her vague sense of him was enough to let her know that he was on the edge and he really did not need to be pushed off the cliff right now.
"Would you like me to walk with you to your quarters? I could make you some dinner." Off his look, she amended her last statement. "OK, I could replicate you some dinner."
His shrug was noncommittal. "Sure, why not." He snapped his case closed and slung it over his shoulder. "After you." The grand gesture he made towards the door was over the top and a bit forced.
Exiting out of the turbo lift, the pair fell into step, Deanna's short legs moving twice as quickly just to keep up. A few feet from Riker's quarters Deanna stopped suddenly stifling a cry of pain. Hunched over, one hand instinctively shot to her abdomen the other one steadied herself against the bulkhead. Riker was instantly back by her side.
"Are you all right?"
Taking a few breaths to steady herself before straightening up again, she nodded. "Yes, I'm fine. Either she just kicked me really hard or that was my first Braxton-Hicks contraction." Her hand smoothed over her stomach. "At my last appointment Beverly warned me that I might start experiencing some of those."
Riker suddenly felt as though he was caught in a haze somewhere between dream and reality. "She?" Deanna looked up at him in confusion. "You said that she kicked you. It's a girl?"
Troi immediately felt the strange shift in Riker's emotions and there was no denying the raising sense of panic within him. The only response she could manage was a slight nod.
Will quickly became overwhelmed. He closed his eyes to try and calm himself, but all he saw was the little girl from his dream. A dream that he had forgotten about, pushed it to the back of his mind. Shaking his head sharply to rid himself of the image, he finally opened his eyes again only to be met with a tear-filled pair of the most beautiful obsidian eyes he had ever known. In that instant Riker knew that he had let his guard slip and that Deanna had felt his panic.
He opened his mouth to apologize, but instead he said, "I'm really exhausted, I think I am going to call it a night." And with that he keyed in his access code and let to door slide shut behind him, leaving a bewildered Troi alone in the crowded hallway.
"I understand where he is coming from Bev, but I can't help the incredible ache that I feel here." She pressed her hand against her heart.
After a fitful night alone in her quarters Deanna was in sickbay for her scheduled checkup. When she had arrived Beverly immediately become concerned for her friend. Although her hair and uniform were their usual immaculate selves, the weariness and exhaustion were evident in her face and posture. Without saying a word Dr, Crusher led her over to a biobed and pulled out her tricorder. Frowning at the results of her initial scan, that was when she began to pry information out of Troi. With only a minimal amount of initial resistance Deanna quietly recounted the incident in the corridor.
"After he has had some time to adjust to the situation, I am sure he will come around." Beverly placed a comforting hand on her friend's shoulder. "And when he does, you two will talk things out and the air will be cleared."
"I just can't share your optimism, Bev. You didn't feel the overwhelming sense of panic that overcame him when I began talking about the baby." Slowly shaking her head dejectedly, she let out a deep sigh. "It wasn't the sort of apprehension one feels when thrust into a new and strange situation; it was the panic one feels when facing certain death." A shudder ran through her body.
"Dea, we both know that the physical scars are easy to heal, but the mental ones could be with him for a long time. No one even knows the extent of the damage to his psyche, not even Riker himself. He doesn't remember most of what happened to him." Pulling out her tricorder, she once again ran it over her patient. "Now, how about we take a look at this baby?"
Troi laid back on the biobed as Dr. Crusher positioned the imaging scanner over her abdomen. A soft blue light emanated from the device and soon a three dimensional image of the baby appeared on the monitor above Deanna's head.
"The baby looks very healthy. She's a little smaller than the average human at this stage, but that could be because Betazoid babies are typically smaller." She helped Deanna back up into a sitting position so that she could see the image herself.
Troi's face lit up with a smile as she ran her fingers over the image of her child. "It just still doesn't seem real sometimes Bev."
"I know exactly what you mean." Beverly's own smile was soon replaced by the stern look of a doctor. "You need to start taking care of yourself. Your cervix has thinned considerably since your last exam. I insist that you to take the day off and go get some rest."
"But Bev -"
Raising a hand to silence her, "No 'buts' about it Dea. Do I have to make
it an official order?"
Deanna shook her head in resignation. "No, I'll cooperate."
"Good." A small smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. "I
will give you something to help you sleep."
Deanna remained sitting on the edge of the biobed as Dr. Crusher went to retrieve a hypospray. Beverly returned just as the door to sickbay opened and Will Riker walked in. Her attention immediately drawn to the room's new occupant, Troi barely heard what Beverly was telling her.
"This should take effect in about twenty minutes. I want to you come back tomorrow for another exam and if things have not gotten worse I will let you return to duty." Realizing her patient's attention was no longer focused on her, Beverly followed Deanna's gaze to find Will staring at the image on the screen above the biobed. She cleared her throat causing the two to jump. "Well, I will let the physical therapist know that you are here Will." With a nod she left quickly.
Will dropped his gaze and shifted his weight uncomfortably from one foot to the other. "Is everything all right?"
"Everything is fine. Beverly is just being overly cautious." She hopped off the biobed and smoothed out her uniform tunic.
His eyes once again locked with hers as an uncharacteristically uncomfortable silence followed. Finally it was Will that ended their silent standoff; he tore his eyes from hers and swallowed audibly. "Well, I have an appointment." And with that he turned and headed for the physical therapy room.
Troi barely made it into her quarters before she began to feel the effect of Dr. Crusher's hypo. Crawling into bed with her uniform still on, she quickly fell into an easy, dreamless sleep.
Crimson red. Blood was everywhere. Riker chocked back a sob as he cradled her dying body in his arms. He had been powerless against their attackers, there had just been too many of them. She had held her own fighting next to him, but she didn't see the knife until it was too late. A soundless scream shook her as the cold metal tore deeply through her flesh. Rushing to her side, Riker was only half aware that their attackers had disappeared. Her breath was shallow, uneven and her pulse faint. He gathered her close, pressing his lips to her forehead, repeating his words like a mantra.
"Hold on Imzadi, please. Don't leave me."
For a moment the life seemed to return to her eyes as she turned her head towards
him. **Imzadi** was heard softly in his head before the light left her dark
eyes and her body went limp in his arms.
An anguished scream tore from his throat as Riker sat bolt upright in bed. A dream, it was only a dream. Riker shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. There had been something eerily familiar about that scene that had just played out in his subconscious mind.
In her cabin next door, Deanna woke up suddenly from her nap confused and disoriented. When her head cleared she reached out with her senses trying to determine what had woken her. Singling out Riker immediately she noticed that he had let his blocks down slightly. Unable to resist the opening, Deanna pushed past what was left of the wall between them and entered his thoughts. She knew what she was doing was wrong, but she was desperate to know what was causing his incredible distance. The images surrounding her were still disjointed and fuzzy and she was unable to make any sense out of them.
Riker got out of bed and stumbled over to the sink in his bathroom. Splashing some cold water onto his face he stared unseeing at his reflection in the mirror. Suddenly, as if they were being pushed from the corners of his mind, the images and memories from his time of imprisonment came slamming to his conscious mind. Anguish, darkness, death, despair, everything became clear and he could remember all of the details of his torture. Retching from the sudden rush of memories, he emptied the contents of his stomach before falling to the floor in a heap. After a few deep breaths he was able to calm himself and that was when he noticed that familiar sensation within his mind. Driven by anger and hurt he burst from his quarters and within seconds was next door face to face with a pale and trembling Deanna Troi.
"WHY?!" The venom in his voice startled even himself. His eyes slid shut as he tried to calm himself, his fists repeatedly clenching and unclenching. "Why?" He repeated, this time barely above a whisper, the naked anguish apparent in his voice.
Deanna swallowed audibly. "I I'm so sorry Will," she stammered. Taking a step forward she reached out to him. "Imzadi."
"Don't." Their eyes locked and his anger slammed against her senses. "Just don't." He began pacing the small space. "What you did was"
"Wrong, I know."
"Inexcusable." He stopped, his eyes boring directly into her soul. "Do you really need to know what happened to me? Is that why you invaded my thoughts tonight, pushed past my block?" His voice was clam and even. "Fine."
The hazy images she had sensed before suddenly slammed into her mind once again with such agonizing clarity that she couldn't help but stagger backwards. Along with those images came all of the pain and fear. She fell to her knees, covering her ears and squeezing her eyes shut, trying desperately to rid herself of the horrible images. She looked up at Will, tears streaming down her face, anger flashing in her dark eyes. "That was completely unnecessary."
"Oh, was it? I thought that it was exactly what you had been searching for when you violated my thoughts." Ice dripped from his words stinging her to the core.
"I was worried, concerned for your mental well being." Her anger continued to boil as she rose to her feet. "I am sick and tired of you shutting yourself off from me. Did you think that I couldn't handle it? Or were you just too busy wallowing in your own pool of self-pity. I hate to break it to you, Imzadi," she practically spit the word out, "you aren't the only one that has been affected by this. I know that whatever happened to you must have been horrible and you are only now beginning to remember all of the horrors. I am not trying to belittle your pain. I am just trying to make you see that you are not alone in your suffering. You need to talk about it. Now." She moved to the couch, made herself comfortable and waited for his response.
Stunned into silence by her outburst, he sat down next to her and then, changing his mind, he sprang up and began to pace again.
"Six months of my life were taken from me. Stolen, ripped away. I was happy, truly happy. Our renewed relationship was blossoming; I was serving on a wonderful ship surrounded by people that I consider my family. All of that was taken from me." He ran his hands through his hair. "When I was returned I had no recollection of what had happened. I believe your little intrusion has forced much of it back to the surface."
Finally sitting down in the chair, he took a deep breath before continuing quietly. "The experiments they performed went beyond any pain that I had thought possible. First they began by inflicting physical harm and gauging my reactions. When they tired of that game they began messing with my mind. They -" He choked back a sob. "They made me watch you die over and over again. Everyone that I care for, I had to watch them die. Sometimes the deaths were quick and merciful, but mostly they were drawn out and excruciating. It was always the same agonizing conclusion no matter what I did." Deanna reached out a comforting hand, but the minute she made contact he sprung up from the chair and continued his pacing. "I gladly welcomed the times where they would lock me in my dark cell. There were no windows and no lights. It was just an empty room no bigger than a closet.
"They never fed me, only injected me with enough fluid and nutrients to keep me alive. It became so bad that I didn't know what was real anymore. The images they were feeding into my brain began to mix with memories. Hell, I don't even know if this is real. This could just be another one of their experiments to see how I would react to this new situation."
Deanna rose from the couch and cautiously approached him. "Will, look at me." Grabbing his arm to stop his pacing, she forced him to face her. "I am real, please believe me." He refused to meet her gaze. "Damn it Imzadi, open your mind. If you let down your block completely you will see that I am real." Theirs eyes locked and Deanna felt the wall slowly crumble away. She reached across their open link and surrounded him with her soul.
Several moments passed before a tentative hand reached up and caressed her cheek. The familiar electricity passed between them and Riker was emboldened by the slight contact. Bringing his other hand up he gently brushed the curls from her shoulder and ran his fingers over her neck and collarbone. As if being pushed together by an unknown force their lips met. The first contact was minimal, just a slight brushing of lips. Breaths mingling, they remained mere millimeters from each other. Deanna slowly ran her tongue along Will's lower lip causing a low moan to emanate deep within his throat. In one swift movement he threaded his fingers through her hair and captured her lips in a soul-searing kiss. Raking her nails along his neck, she let out a moan as his lips and teeth continued a path down her jaw to the sensitive flesh of her neck. Running a hand down to the small of her back, he pulled her body flush against his. He froze. Deanna's rounded abdomen shifted slightly against him bringing him back to the reality of his current situation.
He staggered away from her embrace trying to ignore the hurt and confusion he could clearly see in her eyes. "I I just can't. Not right now." That was the only explanation he offered her before making a hasty exit.
Unable to quell the anger and frustration, Deanna picked up the nearest object and hurled it at the door. With a satisfying crash, the vase smashed into hundreds of pieces and the delicate white flowers fell silently to the floor.