Disclaimer: all characters belong to J K Rowling and Warner brothers.
a/n see bottom.
Cheating Death
By neutral
Chapter sixteen - cheating a little peace
As James led the way down the mountain, Sirius burdened by Harry's weight, he filled him in on the past few years of Harry's life. Sirius never heard the complete stories, only bits and pieces of what happened each year from what he picked up from various teachers here and there, and Remus' history of Defense teachers. But even so, they were a good distance from the mountain with the sun high above their heads by the time he finished.
"Diggory died at the Third Task of the Triwizard Tournament?" James asked quietly.
Sirius nodded, instinctively, pulling the sleeping boy closer. "It was a bad idea. We should go to Diggle's. Harry was haunted by his death for weeks. It completely changed him."
"Voldermort caught him… used his blood to resurrect himself… tortured him…," James whispered, looking distant.
James shuddered, the color draining from his face. He seemed to be trying to envision that moment of horror. James was silent for a long time, his face unreadable as he stared at the ground in front of him.
"I've missed a lot, haven't I?" he finally said, his voice soft.
Sirius sighed, "We all did. But Harry managed; he's strong, much stronger than me."
James looked at his son, nested comfortably in his best friend's arm sadly. There was a lot that his son had been through, he couldn't help but feel a mixture of pride and regret. Proud that his son had managed to stand tall despite all the pain, regretful that he had to stand without a family to call his own.
"He's not really a little boy anymore, is he?" James said with a weak smile. "All this time, I thought he was just an innocent victim thrown into the Land of the Dead, when Harry had faced this risk for years. I'm a terrible father, aren't I? I don't even know anything about my own son."
Sirius shook his head angrily. "You've never had a choice."
But James couldn't ignore that cold grip of doubt in the back of his mind. He turned his gaze to the small form, wondering how such a tainted past could belong to such an innocent child. But there was a flicker of envy as he watched Harry sleeping peacefully against his godfather. James would have accepted even all the years of Akzaban to take Sirius' place just to watch his son grow. But he couldn't. Sirius was there, and Harry seemed to trust him even more than his own father.
Sirius seemed to notice the wistful expression on his face, but didn't understand the depth of it. He shifted the weight in his arms again, looking at James apologetically.
"Could you take him? I'm getting a bit tired."
It was obvious that was not the reason with the reluctance that Sirius slipped the boy into his arms, but James took Harry eagerly, turning so that Harry's head rested comfortably against his chest. He paused in surprise when he noted the lightness of his frame, and the ridges of the ribs that poked into his arms through Harry's oversized shirt.
"Petunia never feeds him, does she? Harry looks starved," James grumbled angrily, wrapping a hand around a narrow wrist to prove his point.
"Don't know. I heard she had her son on a diet last year and made the whole household live off grapefruit. Ron told me Harry wrote to him begging for food. I don't know about this year though," Sirius muttered, frowning at the memory. "There's a lot of things Harry isn't telling any of us."
James looked at his son's face again, inwardly wincing at the dark rings around his eyes. He was too young to be burdened with this, he thought angrily. But…
"Sirius, Harry can't stay," James said firmly. "I know Harry dying is the last thing you want, don't lie about it."
Sirius was surprised by the sudden change of topic, but he sobered quickly, "Harry wants to stay. If Harry doesn't want to leave, there's no way he can."
"Then we'll convince him. You have no idea how many people will jump at a chance Harry has…"
"No one's ever lived a life like Harry's," Sirius snapped defensively.
"Sirius!" James raised his voice slightly, making Harry squirm. "Do you want Harry to die?"
Sirius paled, "Of course not…"
"Good, because I don't either. Harry may be happy that Lily and I are here, but this place won't be enough," James said, looking at the boy in his arms fondly. "He'll enjoy the first few days, weeks, even months here, then this place will be like a prison. There's nothing here but trees and a stupid mountain, for god's sake, it's boring! Harry will want something more. He'll wish that he took the chance to leave. If Harry's anything like the boy you've described with all those years at Hogwarts, he won't be satisfied with just sitting around with his mum and dad for the rest of eternity."
"This place can't be too bad…"
"Yeah, that's what I thought at first. But after the first eight years, Lily was desperate enough to take up quittich to kill time," James grumbled bitterly. "If Lily wasn't here, I'd probably be pretty far gone."
Despite the serious tone of the statement, Sirius choked back a laugh, looking at James in disbelief.
"Quittich? Lily played quittich? You're kidding," Sirius coughed that sounded suspiciously like inhaled laughter.
James couldn't help but grin. "She was bored," James shook his head at the memory, expression darkening again. "Sirius, promise me you'll bring Harry home."
Sirius returned James' gaze unwaveringly, but hesitated to answer. Finally, he nodded, eyes dropping from James' face to Harry, still peacefully sleeping.
"I'll try," he said softly.
James nodded, satisfied with his friend's response.
"But don't keep reminding him, James. You'll make Harry feel obligated to do something rash," Sirius added, giving his friend a glare.
"Is Harry really that…?" James trailed off when Sirius sighed.
"You have no idea, James. And the scary part is you won't know until Harry's already done it," Sirius rubbed his face in frustration. "Harry's never had a parental figure in his life, and he isn't used to sharing his secrets. He really wants a family, James. You and Lily are the people he saw in the Mirror of Erisd."
"Really?" James asked, but his voice had a violent tremor that logged the word in his throat. James hugged his son closer, watching the youthful face that blocked hid a mature young man from sight. He couldn't help but feel a sense of relief at how much he meant to his son even at his absence.
"James," Sirius spoke up suddenly, blue eyes unusually serious. "Did you ever hate me for taking my suggestion? Did you ever regret making Wormtail your secret keeper?"
Did you ever blame me?
Those words were unspoken, but it hung silently between them. How much did that haunt him? James wondered. How many times did he ask that over and over again in his cell? The years of acquaintance had given him a full understanding of Sirius' character; his friend took every insult on him as his own. He must have been furious when they died, driven almost to insanity so that revenge was the only thing he dreamt of. He could hardly imagine what life was like for him those days, and the years after.
James sighed inwardly. Did Sirius ever understand? Those hours after his death, he tortured himself endlessly with worry. Fear for Sirius' well being, knowing how his friend could be lost without him. Guilt for Remus, for ever doubting him. He hadn't even thought about Peter. True, he felt betrayed, but it wasn't blind rage. His worst loss was his son, never his own life. He had always wondered why Harry never came. He had always hoped, and when he heard the story thirteen years later…
James met his friend's gaze unflinchingly. "Sirius, it was a good thing that we made Pettigrew our secret keeper."
"What?!" Sirius growled out, eyes narrowing with disbelief.
"No, look at it from my point of view. If you had been our secret keeper, would that still mean we'd be alive? You could have been tortured to death. We probably would still be dead, knowing how determined he was to get rid of us. And if Harry had never defeated him, then hundreds, maybe thousands more would have timed. This was for the best," James said calmly.
Sirius opened his mouth and closed it again, at a loss for words. The frustration and disbelief mixing in his eyes spoke loudly that he disagreed, but the shock of hearing his friend contradict him so openly stole his words.
"How can you say that?" Sirius finally hissed. "You've been betrayed, James! You lost your life. And Harry had his completely ripped apart and destroyed before he followed! How can you be so apathetic?"
"I'm not apathetic!" James shot back, barely restraining himself from yelling. "I wished countless times to just see my son once, just once! I wish things happened differently for Harry," James drew a deep breath, cradling the boy against his chest. He anger was replaced by an overwhelming sense of sadness and regret as he stared at his friend. "But I'm not vengeful of dying. What you and Harry went through was worse. I wish I could give those years back to you, Sirius."
Sirius looked pained. "James…"
"No, Lily and I dragged you into this position. All you wanted to do was protect us."
"But I failed!"
"You're not god, Sirius! You can't do everything right!"
"Yes, but you died for it!"
James sighed aloud. "Sirius, twelve years with a bunch of trees is far better than twelve years with dementors. If you were the one dead and I was in Akzaban, you would say the same thing."
Sirius paused, eyes turned to James searchingly. It was impossible to decide what was passing through his mind. James was reluctant to guess; the shadow in his friend's blue eyes made him realize how much Sirius had changed over the years. He was no longer the arrogant, self-assured boy who teased his way into everyone's hearts. But suddenly, Sirius broke into a small smile.
"Since when were you so philosophical?" he grunted, shattering the tension between the two.
James mirrored his smile, relief running through his face. "Trees do that to you."
They walked in a comfortable silence, both lost in their own thoughts as they followed the worn forest path. James felt considerably better at finally getting those words off his mind; he had waited for years to beat some sense into Sirius. It wasn't that hard to guess, knowing his friend's character, that he would blame himself. But James had to wonder if any of those words made its way into Sirius' stained conscience.
*
Cheese. Cliché. What else do I need to say?
Oh no, looks like everyone wants Harry to speak to Cedric. But I didn't write that. In fact, Cedric only has one scene in this story, and that's with Sirius and James and a rather unconscious Harry. And he doesn't play a big part either. Oh no… I should probably add a new scene…
Thanks for all those great reviews! Wow… broke the 400 mark. Keep reviewing, it helps me write faster, it really does! Eep, Love it, you're very enthusiastic! Oh crud, I can't reply to these reviews in this chapter either. Hafta finish a research paper due tomorrow and I haven't even started!! *wails*
Another note. I'll be traveling this week, so there's a possibility that I wouldn't be able to post. I might be able to get a chapter up before I fly, but I'm not sure. Sorry!!
a/n see bottom.
Cheating Death
By neutral
Chapter sixteen - cheating a little peace
As James led the way down the mountain, Sirius burdened by Harry's weight, he filled him in on the past few years of Harry's life. Sirius never heard the complete stories, only bits and pieces of what happened each year from what he picked up from various teachers here and there, and Remus' history of Defense teachers. But even so, they were a good distance from the mountain with the sun high above their heads by the time he finished.
"Diggory died at the Third Task of the Triwizard Tournament?" James asked quietly.
Sirius nodded, instinctively, pulling the sleeping boy closer. "It was a bad idea. We should go to Diggle's. Harry was haunted by his death for weeks. It completely changed him."
"Voldermort caught him… used his blood to resurrect himself… tortured him…," James whispered, looking distant.
James shuddered, the color draining from his face. He seemed to be trying to envision that moment of horror. James was silent for a long time, his face unreadable as he stared at the ground in front of him.
"I've missed a lot, haven't I?" he finally said, his voice soft.
Sirius sighed, "We all did. But Harry managed; he's strong, much stronger than me."
James looked at his son, nested comfortably in his best friend's arm sadly. There was a lot that his son had been through, he couldn't help but feel a mixture of pride and regret. Proud that his son had managed to stand tall despite all the pain, regretful that he had to stand without a family to call his own.
"He's not really a little boy anymore, is he?" James said with a weak smile. "All this time, I thought he was just an innocent victim thrown into the Land of the Dead, when Harry had faced this risk for years. I'm a terrible father, aren't I? I don't even know anything about my own son."
Sirius shook his head angrily. "You've never had a choice."
But James couldn't ignore that cold grip of doubt in the back of his mind. He turned his gaze to the small form, wondering how such a tainted past could belong to such an innocent child. But there was a flicker of envy as he watched Harry sleeping peacefully against his godfather. James would have accepted even all the years of Akzaban to take Sirius' place just to watch his son grow. But he couldn't. Sirius was there, and Harry seemed to trust him even more than his own father.
Sirius seemed to notice the wistful expression on his face, but didn't understand the depth of it. He shifted the weight in his arms again, looking at James apologetically.
"Could you take him? I'm getting a bit tired."
It was obvious that was not the reason with the reluctance that Sirius slipped the boy into his arms, but James took Harry eagerly, turning so that Harry's head rested comfortably against his chest. He paused in surprise when he noted the lightness of his frame, and the ridges of the ribs that poked into his arms through Harry's oversized shirt.
"Petunia never feeds him, does she? Harry looks starved," James grumbled angrily, wrapping a hand around a narrow wrist to prove his point.
"Don't know. I heard she had her son on a diet last year and made the whole household live off grapefruit. Ron told me Harry wrote to him begging for food. I don't know about this year though," Sirius muttered, frowning at the memory. "There's a lot of things Harry isn't telling any of us."
James looked at his son's face again, inwardly wincing at the dark rings around his eyes. He was too young to be burdened with this, he thought angrily. But…
"Sirius, Harry can't stay," James said firmly. "I know Harry dying is the last thing you want, don't lie about it."
Sirius was surprised by the sudden change of topic, but he sobered quickly, "Harry wants to stay. If Harry doesn't want to leave, there's no way he can."
"Then we'll convince him. You have no idea how many people will jump at a chance Harry has…"
"No one's ever lived a life like Harry's," Sirius snapped defensively.
"Sirius!" James raised his voice slightly, making Harry squirm. "Do you want Harry to die?"
Sirius paled, "Of course not…"
"Good, because I don't either. Harry may be happy that Lily and I are here, but this place won't be enough," James said, looking at the boy in his arms fondly. "He'll enjoy the first few days, weeks, even months here, then this place will be like a prison. There's nothing here but trees and a stupid mountain, for god's sake, it's boring! Harry will want something more. He'll wish that he took the chance to leave. If Harry's anything like the boy you've described with all those years at Hogwarts, he won't be satisfied with just sitting around with his mum and dad for the rest of eternity."
"This place can't be too bad…"
"Yeah, that's what I thought at first. But after the first eight years, Lily was desperate enough to take up quittich to kill time," James grumbled bitterly. "If Lily wasn't here, I'd probably be pretty far gone."
Despite the serious tone of the statement, Sirius choked back a laugh, looking at James in disbelief.
"Quittich? Lily played quittich? You're kidding," Sirius coughed that sounded suspiciously like inhaled laughter.
James couldn't help but grin. "She was bored," James shook his head at the memory, expression darkening again. "Sirius, promise me you'll bring Harry home."
Sirius returned James' gaze unwaveringly, but hesitated to answer. Finally, he nodded, eyes dropping from James' face to Harry, still peacefully sleeping.
"I'll try," he said softly.
James nodded, satisfied with his friend's response.
"But don't keep reminding him, James. You'll make Harry feel obligated to do something rash," Sirius added, giving his friend a glare.
"Is Harry really that…?" James trailed off when Sirius sighed.
"You have no idea, James. And the scary part is you won't know until Harry's already done it," Sirius rubbed his face in frustration. "Harry's never had a parental figure in his life, and he isn't used to sharing his secrets. He really wants a family, James. You and Lily are the people he saw in the Mirror of Erisd."
"Really?" James asked, but his voice had a violent tremor that logged the word in his throat. James hugged his son closer, watching the youthful face that blocked hid a mature young man from sight. He couldn't help but feel a sense of relief at how much he meant to his son even at his absence.
"James," Sirius spoke up suddenly, blue eyes unusually serious. "Did you ever hate me for taking my suggestion? Did you ever regret making Wormtail your secret keeper?"
Did you ever blame me?
Those words were unspoken, but it hung silently between them. How much did that haunt him? James wondered. How many times did he ask that over and over again in his cell? The years of acquaintance had given him a full understanding of Sirius' character; his friend took every insult on him as his own. He must have been furious when they died, driven almost to insanity so that revenge was the only thing he dreamt of. He could hardly imagine what life was like for him those days, and the years after.
James sighed inwardly. Did Sirius ever understand? Those hours after his death, he tortured himself endlessly with worry. Fear for Sirius' well being, knowing how his friend could be lost without him. Guilt for Remus, for ever doubting him. He hadn't even thought about Peter. True, he felt betrayed, but it wasn't blind rage. His worst loss was his son, never his own life. He had always wondered why Harry never came. He had always hoped, and when he heard the story thirteen years later…
James met his friend's gaze unflinchingly. "Sirius, it was a good thing that we made Pettigrew our secret keeper."
"What?!" Sirius growled out, eyes narrowing with disbelief.
"No, look at it from my point of view. If you had been our secret keeper, would that still mean we'd be alive? You could have been tortured to death. We probably would still be dead, knowing how determined he was to get rid of us. And if Harry had never defeated him, then hundreds, maybe thousands more would have timed. This was for the best," James said calmly.
Sirius opened his mouth and closed it again, at a loss for words. The frustration and disbelief mixing in his eyes spoke loudly that he disagreed, but the shock of hearing his friend contradict him so openly stole his words.
"How can you say that?" Sirius finally hissed. "You've been betrayed, James! You lost your life. And Harry had his completely ripped apart and destroyed before he followed! How can you be so apathetic?"
"I'm not apathetic!" James shot back, barely restraining himself from yelling. "I wished countless times to just see my son once, just once! I wish things happened differently for Harry," James drew a deep breath, cradling the boy against his chest. He anger was replaced by an overwhelming sense of sadness and regret as he stared at his friend. "But I'm not vengeful of dying. What you and Harry went through was worse. I wish I could give those years back to you, Sirius."
Sirius looked pained. "James…"
"No, Lily and I dragged you into this position. All you wanted to do was protect us."
"But I failed!"
"You're not god, Sirius! You can't do everything right!"
"Yes, but you died for it!"
James sighed aloud. "Sirius, twelve years with a bunch of trees is far better than twelve years with dementors. If you were the one dead and I was in Akzaban, you would say the same thing."
Sirius paused, eyes turned to James searchingly. It was impossible to decide what was passing through his mind. James was reluctant to guess; the shadow in his friend's blue eyes made him realize how much Sirius had changed over the years. He was no longer the arrogant, self-assured boy who teased his way into everyone's hearts. But suddenly, Sirius broke into a small smile.
"Since when were you so philosophical?" he grunted, shattering the tension between the two.
James mirrored his smile, relief running through his face. "Trees do that to you."
They walked in a comfortable silence, both lost in their own thoughts as they followed the worn forest path. James felt considerably better at finally getting those words off his mind; he had waited for years to beat some sense into Sirius. It wasn't that hard to guess, knowing his friend's character, that he would blame himself. But James had to wonder if any of those words made its way into Sirius' stained conscience.
*
Cheese. Cliché. What else do I need to say?
Oh no, looks like everyone wants Harry to speak to Cedric. But I didn't write that. In fact, Cedric only has one scene in this story, and that's with Sirius and James and a rather unconscious Harry. And he doesn't play a big part either. Oh no… I should probably add a new scene…
Thanks for all those great reviews! Wow… broke the 400 mark. Keep reviewing, it helps me write faster, it really does! Eep, Love it, you're very enthusiastic! Oh crud, I can't reply to these reviews in this chapter either. Hafta finish a research paper due tomorrow and I haven't even started!! *wails*
Another note. I'll be traveling this week, so there's a possibility that I wouldn't be able to post. I might be able to get a chapter up before I fly, but I'm not sure. Sorry!!