Disclaimer: all characters belong to J K Rowling and Warner brothers.
a/n This chapter's dedicated to Moppet Poppet for being the 500th reviewer! And wow… you really wanted to be the 500th reviewer. You get a customized short story (I already sent you an email about it… hurry up and reply! I have this idea that's just aching to be written, soon, the story will be writing itself. I hope you don't mind if I go ahead and continue… I'm desperate to write it! ACK!) *grins* Same thing goes for the 1000th reviewer, but I don't think I'll ever get that many… my old draft only had 15 chapters left, I don't know about this one yet. *sighs dejectedly*
Cheating Death
By neutral
Chapter eighteen - cheating a godfather (cheating oneself)
Sirius flicked a rather rebellious strand Harry's hair, leaning on Cedric's small bed that he evacuated for them (the Diggory boy apologized so profusely afterwards that Sirius felt almost a little guilty himself). He had been doing that for the past hour or so, when James had left in search of a owl to contact Lily.
'Really rare here,' he had said. 'I wish Voldermort would kill more of bloody things sometimes.'
He felt a bit guilty for disturbing Harry's sleep, but the boy had been asleep for ten straight hours since the charm and he was getting impatient. There was a lot of things he wanted to say, and he wasn't sure if they could be said when James returned. As much as he enjoyed James company after such a long absence, there was a slight unease that rose in the back of his mind whenever the two friends spoke of Harry. They smiled and teased their way around the subject, but it was obvious. It was like a thorn in the side that just refused to go away.
Sirius couldn't help but feel jealousy towards James; he was Harry's father, the parental figure that Harry always dreamed about. With James around, Harry didn't need his godfather anymore. True, James had insisted that Harry should leave, and it was only fair that father and son spent as much time together as possible, but there was still that flicker of anxiety. What if Harry wanted to stay? What if Harry chose James over him?
But James is Harry's father, Sirius told himself firmly. Harry doesn't need a godfather pestering him with his father around.
A rustle of blankets tore him from his thoughts. Harry stirred, knocking Sirius' hand away wearily as he snuggled deeper into his blankets
"Stop it, Hedwig," he grumbled, eyes still closed.
Sirius raised an eyebrow, wondering whether he should be relieved or irritated. "I'm not an owl, Harry," he said, giving his godson's hair another tug.
At that, Harry's eyes snapped open, looking around in bewilderment.
"Sirius!" Harry grinned when he caught sight of the man sitting beside his bed.
"You're finally awake, I thought James overdid the sleeping charm for a moment," Sirius said, all the previous worries forgotten. "Do you remember what happened?"
Harry nodded slowly, "It feels so unreal. Where am I now?"
Sirius swallowed uneasily, hesitant to tell. Harry always took Cedric's death rather hard, and he wasn't sure how he would react. But as the expression on Harry's face became more and more worried, Sirius sighed in defeat.
"Cedric's place."
"Cedric?" Harry whispered softly. He pushed himself into a sitting position, scanning the small room slowly. "He lives here? How… how is he?"
Sighing, Sirius ruffled Harry's already messy hair. "Cedric is a good kid; a lot of people like him. He's rather defensive of you, actually," Sirius said with a wry smile.
Harry glanced at him in surprise. "What do you mean? And what happened to your jaw?" Harry asked, catching sight a nasty purple bruise that was easily the size on his palm.
"Cedric attacked me when he saw me carrying you. He thought I was trying to kill you or something," Sirius grinned at the memory.
Harry looked aghast, "He did that?"
"Harry, Cedric doesn't blame you," Sirius said firmly.
The expression on Harry's face was hard to read. He looked like he was struggling with a mixture of doubt, hope, and disbelief. Harry twisted the edge of the pillow, but another thought returned the darkness to his emerald eyes.
"I know you would say something like that," Harry murmured softly. He looked up with oddly accusing eyes, reaching for his godfather's wrist and grasping it firmly. "You were lying, weren't you?"
"What do you mean?" Sirius examined Harry's expression in bewilderment.
"You died, didn't you? You were just saying that because you didn't want me to know," Harry's voice was trembling and a suspicious brightness touched the edges of his eyes.
Sirius was torn between irritation and concern for the absolute disregard Harry had for his own well-being. He sighed, watching Harry's hand tense over his wrist distractedly.
"Harry, I wasn't lying."
At his godson's puzzled but disbelieving face, Sirius quickly explained the events of the past few days, the events after his death, the reasons for his coming, and Dumbledore's words. He tried to hold nothing back, but when it came to describing the grief of his best friends, and uproar in the wizarding community, he couldn't bring himself to add even more guilt to Harry's stained conscience. Sirius steered away from it, but he could tell by Harry's darkening eyes that he noticed immediately. Harry was silent when Sirius finished, gaze unfocused unseeingly at a distance.
"But isn't it dangerous?" Harry suddenly asked. "What if you can't return?"
Sirius would have gripped Harry by the shoulders and to try to shake some sense into him if the boy didn't look so pale and tired. He had expected Harry to at least be excited or confused about returning home, but he overlooked it completely.
"Harry, will you think about yourself for a moment?" Sirius said with some amount of impatience. "About this whole situation. About you, your parents, your home. Because if there is even an ounce of doubt, then you can't return."
"So, I'm the one holding myself back?" Harry asked timidly.
"I wouldn't have believed it a few days ago, but now I'm pretty sure," Sirius watched Harry's expression carefully for a reaction. But Harry turned away, picking at the edge of his blanket, purposefully avoiding Sirius' eyes.
"It seems to complicated," Harry said slowly. "I didn't even know what I was thinking then. I'm not sure how to go back."
Sirius bit his lip, unsure of how to respond. But he couldn't help but think that all of the burdens and worries Harry had to carry now was the result of him.
"I'm sorry, Harry. I can't tell you how sorry I am. If I didn't get myself caught…," Sirius trailed off, rubbing his forehead wearily. "I wish I could make it up to you somehow."
"You already did," Harry said firmly. "You tried to help me…"
"And look what it did! I broke your arm and almost strangled you to death!"
"You were tired! You can't break the imperious curse if you've been starved for the past two weeks." Harry said almost desperately, his fingers on Sirius' arm never relenting. "You tried…"
Sirius drew a sharp breath. The memories that Harry's words brought were crashing down on him. The forgiveness that Harry seemed to willing to offer was frighteningly reminiscent of the past at the Riddle House. He couldn't accept it; Harry's ever word of clemency only brought more guilt.
"Harry, stop," Sirius whispered hoarsely, pulling his arm free and burying his face in his hands.
Harry was silent instantly, his emerald eyes wide as he watched his godfather. Sirius' shoulders were shaking visibly, his breaths were ragged and uneven. But when he touched his godfather's shoulder lightly, Sirius jolted out of his thoughts with a startled jerk. Harry had drew back his hand as if burnt at the reaction he incited. Sirius watched him miserably, his eyes saying what words could not. Harry wanted to scream and pound reason into his head, but all he could do was stare back.
"Why did you do it?" Sirius asked suddenly, looking thoughtful.
"You asked me that before…"
"Yes, and you never really answered it. Harry…" Sirius sighed, sounding exasperated. "I know you don't like to tell people about what you feel or think, but can't you at least tell me?"
When Harry didn't answered with silence, Sirius pulled away and fixed him with a disapproving glare. Harry shifted uneasily.
"I didn't want you to die," Harry said finally, his voice soft. "I knew you'd be angry, but I really, really did not want you to die."
Sirius sighed audibly, wondering if he should be flattered or furious. His godson could be so dense sometimes. "Harry, that's the same thing you said last time…"
"I know!" Harry interrupted, anticipating a sharp rebuke. "I just didn't think it was fair how you always seemed to get the short end of the stick. You spent twelve years in Akzaban, even when you escaped, you had to be in hiding, and then you got caught by Voldermort. When you truly needed help, there was never anyone there," he looked extremely uneasy for being so blatant.
Sirius sighed again, both angry and frustrated. Didn't Harry realize his words describing Sirius also described himself perfectly? He wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake some sense into him, tell him that he was worth something, that he was important to many, many people, that he himself never deserved such a sacrifice. But at the same time, he wanted to hide his godson and make sure he was far away from those demons that haunted him.
"Why didn't you just tell Dumbledore?" Sirius asked, not trusting himself to meet Harry's eyes.
"I didn't want him to die either!" Harry twisted the edge of his sleeve some more before speaking again. "I wanted to help you, but I knew if I went, Dumbledore would come after me immediately. He couldn't gather the ministry and risk you, but he couldn't wait and leave me to Voldermort. He would be in a terrible disadvantage."
"Then why did you send him that letter?"
Harry shook his head. "I didn't say I was going. I just told him where you were. I thought, in case Voldermort didn't let you leave, Dumbledore would still come to help you."
At that, Sirius lost it. He knew Harry placed little value on his own life, as much as he wanted to deny it. But listening to him reason out his actions, Sirius felt a new wave of anger and frustration.
"Harry, you just barged in there asking Voldermort to kill you!" Sirius voice was raised dangerously, gripping him by the shoulders. "Did it even once occur to you that perhaps I didn't want you to die? You thought that giving up your life would make me happy? What the hell were you--" Sirius broke off sharply when Harry's face contorted with pain.
"Stop!" he gasped out, attempting to pry off Sirius hand from his right arm.
Sirius released him immediately, anger dissipating in an instant as Harry rubbed his shoulder gingerly, looking a bit shaken. He bit back a fresh flood of guilt when he realized where Harry's collarbone had been shattered; it must be still sore.
Sirius reached out to examine Harry's arm, but hesitated, afraid that he would inadvertently hurt him again. There was a pause, before he withdrew his hand quickly and ran his through his hair. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean--"
"I know," Harry interrupted him, looking at Sirius firmly. "It wasn't your fault. None of this is."
Sirius was silent, unsure of how to respond, and not trusting himself to. Harry had matured again. Somehow, over the past month since the third task, he suddenly grew up, too fast for Sirius' liking.
"Harry, tell me, do you want to go back?" Sirius asked carefully.
Harry didn't answer right away, eyes focusing on a frayed end of the blanket. "Yes," he whispered.
"The truth, Harry."
Harry's shoulders slouched in defeat, turning towards Sirius with a worried and slightly fearful expression on his face. "I… I'm not sure. I miss Ron and Hermione, but I want to meet my parents too. Maybe if I have a few more days…"
Sirius nodded in understanding, soothing out the unruly hair fondly, "Just do whatever will make you the happiest."
Those words came out with ease, but to Sirius, it felt like it was torn from him.
Come back! Don't stay! Sirius wanted to scream, Come home.
But it felt so selfish. Harry would lead a miserable life, he could at least be loved, however bored, staying with his family. Harry deserved making that decision, his promise to James wasn't as important to Harry's own happiness. But it was still hard to let go.
Sirius gave his godson's hand a reassuring squeeze. Harry looked at him curiously, almost as if he was trying to read his true thoughts, but Sirius forced a smile. Without warning, Harry threw his arms around his godfather's neck, an innocently childish gesture that betrayed his age completely.
"Thank you," Harry whispered.
*
Wah! I was practically waiting for this conversation. I wrote the last few paragraphs about around chapter 3, trying to introduce the theme of unselfish parental love and trust, etc. etc. etc. and pasted it. Then when the computer died, I went back and practically regurgitated the whole thing. *sigh* Trying to remember what the hell you wrote is a lot harder than it sounds. There are some inconsistencies in the chapter, but I'm not going to point any out *grin*… Harry seems out of character a bit, doesn't he? But his character in the books were never that clear… humm… what do you think?
But still, this is my favorite chapter outside of chapter 2 and 3. *rubs hands together eagerly* Harry's a lot more open with Sirius than James
Nacasara - ack! She's having a seizure! *calls the hospital* wow…. Your brother is… very… humm… does this happen to you a lot?
Ayod Botla - thank you! I will submit it, well, I already did and they said the have this form up on Saturday. Wow, there are some really good writers in their archive. I'm intimidated.
Bubmlebee Bucy - its posted!! Sorry, it took longer than usual, but I didn't want this chapter to be rushed.
Mihoshe - wow, you're eating hot cheetos? So am I!! Right now, in fact, I love them. I can eat a whole bag without water. But then I die about half an hour later, so… not much better. But they're so addicting!!
Gaby - ack. That sucks!! This laptop is only 4 months old, I should sue. Grrr…. I think there's a possibility I might have saved something on a backup cd since I had a copy somewhere. But urg… I don't know where I put it!
Sherylyn - well, Rowling was probably referring to how Sirius' eyes were sunken. There will be fore James and Sirius interaction! But not in this chapter though… I wish I lengthened it but that would make everything seem boring. Urg.
Peacockgirl - sorry for the long delay!! I hope you enjoy this chapter.
tidmag and gen raid - but… but… Sirius gets hurt a lot. Well, sort of a lot. Not much as compared to Harry. Well, I was hoping to establish how people changed between the 13 years absence for James and Sirius and how people change. Since I borrowed Evie's story's universe, James and Sirius often teased each other over Harry just for fun. But now, it became a much more somber and touchy subject for them both. Ack, my reasoning doesn't make much sense, does it?
Teigra - well… Sirius doesn't want Harry to go back to a place he hates. *grins evilly* Harry's going to have a hard time trying to decide since he lives life based on other people. Everybody *is* very protective of Harry, now that you mention it. Oops. Oh well, who can resist a fourteen year old that keeps getting himself in trouble?
Lin-z - Ack, ff.net did? What did they delete? That must suck though, all your reviews and everything. Urg. I think this story's wearing itself out. Or maybe it is in my mind, because I can't seem to get out the sequel. Urg. I need to cook up some new ideas. If I don't finish this story soon, I may never be able to. Do you know that feeling when you just lose inspiration? *sigh* And I've never been known to finish a fic ever. This is not good… *cries*
Connie - he's awake now, see? Yeah, I things are slow. I'm trying to balance out character development and plot so Harry will get to know his father and his godfather and manage to get something done at the same time. But it's not working. I have to sacrifice a lot of character interaction for story line… in my old version, the story does a sudden lurch and everything goes downhill really abruptly. Maybe I can fix it somewhat this time…
Abby - yeah, Cedric is a neat character! Sucks that he had to die…
Kat - James and Sirius' tension over Harry is going to be worse though, considering how perceptive Harry is. I'm glad you liked Cedric! Tell me what you think about this chapter!
Jania - sorry!! I'll be nicer to Sirius now, I promise! Wait… I probably shouldn't… but Sirius wasn't tortured in this chapter, see? *hides*
Tasha - oh, that sucks! I hope this doesn't get you in trouble. Hope you get ungrounded soon *grin* He's going to see Cedric soon! I added a scene for him.
Kate Potter - thank you!
Starlight - really? Well, that chapter seemed a bit rushed though. I hope you enjoy this chapter!
Phoenix - I'm glad you like the reviewer response! It's just as fun responding as it is writing, it really is. I was afraid the story seemed to dragged down by descriptions. What do you think?
Luna Rose - I will!
Allocin - Harry's awake! Eek, the last chapter had a lot of problems, but I was too lazy to rewrite it. *hides*
Lady Aquila - thanks! I will!
Madelaine - wah?! 27 pages?? What happened? Did you have to rewrite it? Ack… that really stinks.
MercS - Tilly's in the hospital?! What happened? Will she be okay? Tell her to get well soon! Waah.. I hope it isn't serious. Last time I had to stay in a hospital overnight because of a car accident, I know how boring it can get there. Humm… well, from the past Sirius, he always seemed to be the young and oblivious, king of the world type person. With James, that side of him returns and he's back to the teasing ways of him when he was young… but… humm… I can see why you think Sirius is like that. Say hi to Tilly for me!
Keara Jordan - If Cedric knew Harry longer, he probably would be like a big brother type to him. *sigh* No, Remus isn't coming, but I really wish I brought him! I wouldn't have a way to explain his presence. Urg!! But I really, really want to bring him in.
Googoo4you - yes! Check out Evie's story, it's the funniest and cutest mini fic ever. Yeah, the last chapter had flaws. *hides in a corner and wails* What do you think about this one?
Evie - The First Word was the best story ever! You should be proud! There's another reference to it in the later chapters, I'm working on that one right now. *grins* Thank you for giving me permission!
Lily Potter - ack, tests…. I just flunked by Biology test, I mean, 12 out of 20!! *hangs herself*
Alexz -I will!
Rowan - cheese tastes good. Especially with chips. Yum.
Gwen - oh no, I should probably give Lupin a scene, but I didn't plan one! Urrggg!! Anyone up for a Lupin scene?
BabyBlue1986 - I will! I'm glad you liked this chapter.
Trunks Admirer - wow, I'm flattered! I was afraid that my writing had too much descriptions to read smoothly for an action fic. No, I'm sure you get tons of reviews! I don't get a lot compared to Lin-z. Oh, have you read her story? It's really interesting, but waah! Update! Update!
Moppet Poppet - wow, you really, really wanted to be the 500th reviewer. But thank you!! Mash potato, why is everyone talking about food?! *gets a spoon and tries to eat Poppet's brain* *cackles* Apls? I've never even been there, so if I give you a ticket, you have to pack me in your suitcase. Hurry up and reply! Or else I'm going to start writing an AU fic about Sirius escaping Akzaban when Harry as 6 years old. *dances off to write that* Ooh… or do you have some ideas you want me to use? Email me or post it! Thanks!
Deely Bopper - thank you!! I haven't been in HP fandom for a long time, I don't even know half the sites up. I don't even know when the fifth book is planned to come out and I don't even know when the movie's going to be released. *sigh* I'm slow…
Gia - yes, Evie's story is the best!! Tell me what you think about this chapter!
Hyper Princess - I'll try to email you, but I may try the new email address. Yup, I got the bumper sticker 'Bush is a plant' (sorry, conserves, but I'm a liberal). *cackle* ok, I'll stay away from politics. I'm glad you like this fic!! I hope the sequel's just as good, but so far, it's a disappointment. Maybe I should just ditch it to save this one…
a/n This chapter's dedicated to Moppet Poppet for being the 500th reviewer! And wow… you really wanted to be the 500th reviewer. You get a customized short story (I already sent you an email about it… hurry up and reply! I have this idea that's just aching to be written, soon, the story will be writing itself. I hope you don't mind if I go ahead and continue… I'm desperate to write it! ACK!) *grins* Same thing goes for the 1000th reviewer, but I don't think I'll ever get that many… my old draft only had 15 chapters left, I don't know about this one yet. *sighs dejectedly*
Cheating Death
By neutral
Chapter eighteen - cheating a godfather (cheating oneself)
Sirius flicked a rather rebellious strand Harry's hair, leaning on Cedric's small bed that he evacuated for them (the Diggory boy apologized so profusely afterwards that Sirius felt almost a little guilty himself). He had been doing that for the past hour or so, when James had left in search of a owl to contact Lily.
'Really rare here,' he had said. 'I wish Voldermort would kill more of bloody things sometimes.'
He felt a bit guilty for disturbing Harry's sleep, but the boy had been asleep for ten straight hours since the charm and he was getting impatient. There was a lot of things he wanted to say, and he wasn't sure if they could be said when James returned. As much as he enjoyed James company after such a long absence, there was a slight unease that rose in the back of his mind whenever the two friends spoke of Harry. They smiled and teased their way around the subject, but it was obvious. It was like a thorn in the side that just refused to go away.
Sirius couldn't help but feel jealousy towards James; he was Harry's father, the parental figure that Harry always dreamed about. With James around, Harry didn't need his godfather anymore. True, James had insisted that Harry should leave, and it was only fair that father and son spent as much time together as possible, but there was still that flicker of anxiety. What if Harry wanted to stay? What if Harry chose James over him?
But James is Harry's father, Sirius told himself firmly. Harry doesn't need a godfather pestering him with his father around.
A rustle of blankets tore him from his thoughts. Harry stirred, knocking Sirius' hand away wearily as he snuggled deeper into his blankets
"Stop it, Hedwig," he grumbled, eyes still closed.
Sirius raised an eyebrow, wondering whether he should be relieved or irritated. "I'm not an owl, Harry," he said, giving his godson's hair another tug.
At that, Harry's eyes snapped open, looking around in bewilderment.
"Sirius!" Harry grinned when he caught sight of the man sitting beside his bed.
"You're finally awake, I thought James overdid the sleeping charm for a moment," Sirius said, all the previous worries forgotten. "Do you remember what happened?"
Harry nodded slowly, "It feels so unreal. Where am I now?"
Sirius swallowed uneasily, hesitant to tell. Harry always took Cedric's death rather hard, and he wasn't sure how he would react. But as the expression on Harry's face became more and more worried, Sirius sighed in defeat.
"Cedric's place."
"Cedric?" Harry whispered softly. He pushed himself into a sitting position, scanning the small room slowly. "He lives here? How… how is he?"
Sighing, Sirius ruffled Harry's already messy hair. "Cedric is a good kid; a lot of people like him. He's rather defensive of you, actually," Sirius said with a wry smile.
Harry glanced at him in surprise. "What do you mean? And what happened to your jaw?" Harry asked, catching sight a nasty purple bruise that was easily the size on his palm.
"Cedric attacked me when he saw me carrying you. He thought I was trying to kill you or something," Sirius grinned at the memory.
Harry looked aghast, "He did that?"
"Harry, Cedric doesn't blame you," Sirius said firmly.
The expression on Harry's face was hard to read. He looked like he was struggling with a mixture of doubt, hope, and disbelief. Harry twisted the edge of the pillow, but another thought returned the darkness to his emerald eyes.
"I know you would say something like that," Harry murmured softly. He looked up with oddly accusing eyes, reaching for his godfather's wrist and grasping it firmly. "You were lying, weren't you?"
"What do you mean?" Sirius examined Harry's expression in bewilderment.
"You died, didn't you? You were just saying that because you didn't want me to know," Harry's voice was trembling and a suspicious brightness touched the edges of his eyes.
Sirius was torn between irritation and concern for the absolute disregard Harry had for his own well-being. He sighed, watching Harry's hand tense over his wrist distractedly.
"Harry, I wasn't lying."
At his godson's puzzled but disbelieving face, Sirius quickly explained the events of the past few days, the events after his death, the reasons for his coming, and Dumbledore's words. He tried to hold nothing back, but when it came to describing the grief of his best friends, and uproar in the wizarding community, he couldn't bring himself to add even more guilt to Harry's stained conscience. Sirius steered away from it, but he could tell by Harry's darkening eyes that he noticed immediately. Harry was silent when Sirius finished, gaze unfocused unseeingly at a distance.
"But isn't it dangerous?" Harry suddenly asked. "What if you can't return?"
Sirius would have gripped Harry by the shoulders and to try to shake some sense into him if the boy didn't look so pale and tired. He had expected Harry to at least be excited or confused about returning home, but he overlooked it completely.
"Harry, will you think about yourself for a moment?" Sirius said with some amount of impatience. "About this whole situation. About you, your parents, your home. Because if there is even an ounce of doubt, then you can't return."
"So, I'm the one holding myself back?" Harry asked timidly.
"I wouldn't have believed it a few days ago, but now I'm pretty sure," Sirius watched Harry's expression carefully for a reaction. But Harry turned away, picking at the edge of his blanket, purposefully avoiding Sirius' eyes.
"It seems to complicated," Harry said slowly. "I didn't even know what I was thinking then. I'm not sure how to go back."
Sirius bit his lip, unsure of how to respond. But he couldn't help but think that all of the burdens and worries Harry had to carry now was the result of him.
"I'm sorry, Harry. I can't tell you how sorry I am. If I didn't get myself caught…," Sirius trailed off, rubbing his forehead wearily. "I wish I could make it up to you somehow."
"You already did," Harry said firmly. "You tried to help me…"
"And look what it did! I broke your arm and almost strangled you to death!"
"You were tired! You can't break the imperious curse if you've been starved for the past two weeks." Harry said almost desperately, his fingers on Sirius' arm never relenting. "You tried…"
Sirius drew a sharp breath. The memories that Harry's words brought were crashing down on him. The forgiveness that Harry seemed to willing to offer was frighteningly reminiscent of the past at the Riddle House. He couldn't accept it; Harry's ever word of clemency only brought more guilt.
"Harry, stop," Sirius whispered hoarsely, pulling his arm free and burying his face in his hands.
Harry was silent instantly, his emerald eyes wide as he watched his godfather. Sirius' shoulders were shaking visibly, his breaths were ragged and uneven. But when he touched his godfather's shoulder lightly, Sirius jolted out of his thoughts with a startled jerk. Harry had drew back his hand as if burnt at the reaction he incited. Sirius watched him miserably, his eyes saying what words could not. Harry wanted to scream and pound reason into his head, but all he could do was stare back.
"Why did you do it?" Sirius asked suddenly, looking thoughtful.
"You asked me that before…"
"Yes, and you never really answered it. Harry…" Sirius sighed, sounding exasperated. "I know you don't like to tell people about what you feel or think, but can't you at least tell me?"
When Harry didn't answered with silence, Sirius pulled away and fixed him with a disapproving glare. Harry shifted uneasily.
"I didn't want you to die," Harry said finally, his voice soft. "I knew you'd be angry, but I really, really did not want you to die."
Sirius sighed audibly, wondering if he should be flattered or furious. His godson could be so dense sometimes. "Harry, that's the same thing you said last time…"
"I know!" Harry interrupted, anticipating a sharp rebuke. "I just didn't think it was fair how you always seemed to get the short end of the stick. You spent twelve years in Akzaban, even when you escaped, you had to be in hiding, and then you got caught by Voldermort. When you truly needed help, there was never anyone there," he looked extremely uneasy for being so blatant.
Sirius sighed again, both angry and frustrated. Didn't Harry realize his words describing Sirius also described himself perfectly? He wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake some sense into him, tell him that he was worth something, that he was important to many, many people, that he himself never deserved such a sacrifice. But at the same time, he wanted to hide his godson and make sure he was far away from those demons that haunted him.
"Why didn't you just tell Dumbledore?" Sirius asked, not trusting himself to meet Harry's eyes.
"I didn't want him to die either!" Harry twisted the edge of his sleeve some more before speaking again. "I wanted to help you, but I knew if I went, Dumbledore would come after me immediately. He couldn't gather the ministry and risk you, but he couldn't wait and leave me to Voldermort. He would be in a terrible disadvantage."
"Then why did you send him that letter?"
Harry shook his head. "I didn't say I was going. I just told him where you were. I thought, in case Voldermort didn't let you leave, Dumbledore would still come to help you."
At that, Sirius lost it. He knew Harry placed little value on his own life, as much as he wanted to deny it. But listening to him reason out his actions, Sirius felt a new wave of anger and frustration.
"Harry, you just barged in there asking Voldermort to kill you!" Sirius voice was raised dangerously, gripping him by the shoulders. "Did it even once occur to you that perhaps I didn't want you to die? You thought that giving up your life would make me happy? What the hell were you--" Sirius broke off sharply when Harry's face contorted with pain.
"Stop!" he gasped out, attempting to pry off Sirius hand from his right arm.
Sirius released him immediately, anger dissipating in an instant as Harry rubbed his shoulder gingerly, looking a bit shaken. He bit back a fresh flood of guilt when he realized where Harry's collarbone had been shattered; it must be still sore.
Sirius reached out to examine Harry's arm, but hesitated, afraid that he would inadvertently hurt him again. There was a pause, before he withdrew his hand quickly and ran his through his hair. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean--"
"I know," Harry interrupted him, looking at Sirius firmly. "It wasn't your fault. None of this is."
Sirius was silent, unsure of how to respond, and not trusting himself to. Harry had matured again. Somehow, over the past month since the third task, he suddenly grew up, too fast for Sirius' liking.
"Harry, tell me, do you want to go back?" Sirius asked carefully.
Harry didn't answer right away, eyes focusing on a frayed end of the blanket. "Yes," he whispered.
"The truth, Harry."
Harry's shoulders slouched in defeat, turning towards Sirius with a worried and slightly fearful expression on his face. "I… I'm not sure. I miss Ron and Hermione, but I want to meet my parents too. Maybe if I have a few more days…"
Sirius nodded in understanding, soothing out the unruly hair fondly, "Just do whatever will make you the happiest."
Those words came out with ease, but to Sirius, it felt like it was torn from him.
Come back! Don't stay! Sirius wanted to scream, Come home.
But it felt so selfish. Harry would lead a miserable life, he could at least be loved, however bored, staying with his family. Harry deserved making that decision, his promise to James wasn't as important to Harry's own happiness. But it was still hard to let go.
Sirius gave his godson's hand a reassuring squeeze. Harry looked at him curiously, almost as if he was trying to read his true thoughts, but Sirius forced a smile. Without warning, Harry threw his arms around his godfather's neck, an innocently childish gesture that betrayed his age completely.
"Thank you," Harry whispered.
*
Wah! I was practically waiting for this conversation. I wrote the last few paragraphs about around chapter 3, trying to introduce the theme of unselfish parental love and trust, etc. etc. etc. and pasted it. Then when the computer died, I went back and practically regurgitated the whole thing. *sigh* Trying to remember what the hell you wrote is a lot harder than it sounds. There are some inconsistencies in the chapter, but I'm not going to point any out *grin*… Harry seems out of character a bit, doesn't he? But his character in the books were never that clear… humm… what do you think?
But still, this is my favorite chapter outside of chapter 2 and 3. *rubs hands together eagerly* Harry's a lot more open with Sirius than James
Nacasara - ack! She's having a seizure! *calls the hospital* wow…. Your brother is… very… humm… does this happen to you a lot?
Ayod Botla - thank you! I will submit it, well, I already did and they said the have this form up on Saturday. Wow, there are some really good writers in their archive. I'm intimidated.
Bubmlebee Bucy - its posted!! Sorry, it took longer than usual, but I didn't want this chapter to be rushed.
Mihoshe - wow, you're eating hot cheetos? So am I!! Right now, in fact, I love them. I can eat a whole bag without water. But then I die about half an hour later, so… not much better. But they're so addicting!!
Gaby - ack. That sucks!! This laptop is only 4 months old, I should sue. Grrr…. I think there's a possibility I might have saved something on a backup cd since I had a copy somewhere. But urg… I don't know where I put it!
Sherylyn - well, Rowling was probably referring to how Sirius' eyes were sunken. There will be fore James and Sirius interaction! But not in this chapter though… I wish I lengthened it but that would make everything seem boring. Urg.
Peacockgirl - sorry for the long delay!! I hope you enjoy this chapter.
tidmag and gen raid - but… but… Sirius gets hurt a lot. Well, sort of a lot. Not much as compared to Harry. Well, I was hoping to establish how people changed between the 13 years absence for James and Sirius and how people change. Since I borrowed Evie's story's universe, James and Sirius often teased each other over Harry just for fun. But now, it became a much more somber and touchy subject for them both. Ack, my reasoning doesn't make much sense, does it?
Teigra - well… Sirius doesn't want Harry to go back to a place he hates. *grins evilly* Harry's going to have a hard time trying to decide since he lives life based on other people. Everybody *is* very protective of Harry, now that you mention it. Oops. Oh well, who can resist a fourteen year old that keeps getting himself in trouble?
Lin-z - Ack, ff.net did? What did they delete? That must suck though, all your reviews and everything. Urg. I think this story's wearing itself out. Or maybe it is in my mind, because I can't seem to get out the sequel. Urg. I need to cook up some new ideas. If I don't finish this story soon, I may never be able to. Do you know that feeling when you just lose inspiration? *sigh* And I've never been known to finish a fic ever. This is not good… *cries*
Connie - he's awake now, see? Yeah, I things are slow. I'm trying to balance out character development and plot so Harry will get to know his father and his godfather and manage to get something done at the same time. But it's not working. I have to sacrifice a lot of character interaction for story line… in my old version, the story does a sudden lurch and everything goes downhill really abruptly. Maybe I can fix it somewhat this time…
Abby - yeah, Cedric is a neat character! Sucks that he had to die…
Kat - James and Sirius' tension over Harry is going to be worse though, considering how perceptive Harry is. I'm glad you liked Cedric! Tell me what you think about this chapter!
Jania - sorry!! I'll be nicer to Sirius now, I promise! Wait… I probably shouldn't… but Sirius wasn't tortured in this chapter, see? *hides*
Tasha - oh, that sucks! I hope this doesn't get you in trouble. Hope you get ungrounded soon *grin* He's going to see Cedric soon! I added a scene for him.
Kate Potter - thank you!
Starlight - really? Well, that chapter seemed a bit rushed though. I hope you enjoy this chapter!
Phoenix - I'm glad you like the reviewer response! It's just as fun responding as it is writing, it really is. I was afraid the story seemed to dragged down by descriptions. What do you think?
Luna Rose - I will!
Allocin - Harry's awake! Eek, the last chapter had a lot of problems, but I was too lazy to rewrite it. *hides*
Lady Aquila - thanks! I will!
Madelaine - wah?! 27 pages?? What happened? Did you have to rewrite it? Ack… that really stinks.
MercS - Tilly's in the hospital?! What happened? Will she be okay? Tell her to get well soon! Waah.. I hope it isn't serious. Last time I had to stay in a hospital overnight because of a car accident, I know how boring it can get there. Humm… well, from the past Sirius, he always seemed to be the young and oblivious, king of the world type person. With James, that side of him returns and he's back to the teasing ways of him when he was young… but… humm… I can see why you think Sirius is like that. Say hi to Tilly for me!
Keara Jordan - If Cedric knew Harry longer, he probably would be like a big brother type to him. *sigh* No, Remus isn't coming, but I really wish I brought him! I wouldn't have a way to explain his presence. Urg!! But I really, really want to bring him in.
Googoo4you - yes! Check out Evie's story, it's the funniest and cutest mini fic ever. Yeah, the last chapter had flaws. *hides in a corner and wails* What do you think about this one?
Evie - The First Word was the best story ever! You should be proud! There's another reference to it in the later chapters, I'm working on that one right now. *grins* Thank you for giving me permission!
Lily Potter - ack, tests…. I just flunked by Biology test, I mean, 12 out of 20!! *hangs herself*
Alexz -I will!
Rowan - cheese tastes good. Especially with chips. Yum.
Gwen - oh no, I should probably give Lupin a scene, but I didn't plan one! Urrggg!! Anyone up for a Lupin scene?
BabyBlue1986 - I will! I'm glad you liked this chapter.
Trunks Admirer - wow, I'm flattered! I was afraid that my writing had too much descriptions to read smoothly for an action fic. No, I'm sure you get tons of reviews! I don't get a lot compared to Lin-z. Oh, have you read her story? It's really interesting, but waah! Update! Update!
Moppet Poppet - wow, you really, really wanted to be the 500th reviewer. But thank you!! Mash potato, why is everyone talking about food?! *gets a spoon and tries to eat Poppet's brain* *cackles* Apls? I've never even been there, so if I give you a ticket, you have to pack me in your suitcase. Hurry up and reply! Or else I'm going to start writing an AU fic about Sirius escaping Akzaban when Harry as 6 years old. *dances off to write that* Ooh… or do you have some ideas you want me to use? Email me or post it! Thanks!
Deely Bopper - thank you!! I haven't been in HP fandom for a long time, I don't even know half the sites up. I don't even know when the fifth book is planned to come out and I don't even know when the movie's going to be released. *sigh* I'm slow…
Gia - yes, Evie's story is the best!! Tell me what you think about this chapter!
Hyper Princess - I'll try to email you, but I may try the new email address. Yup, I got the bumper sticker 'Bush is a plant' (sorry, conserves, but I'm a liberal). *cackle* ok, I'll stay away from politics. I'm glad you like this fic!! I hope the sequel's just as good, but so far, it's a disappointment. Maybe I should just ditch it to save this one…