More angst! This fic has no plot. Just angst. Be forewarned. And despite appearances, I actually do like Zechs and Noin as a couple. In fact, they're my two favorite charas and my favorite couple, and the only couple in the whole show besides Treize and Une that actually have any evidence to support them actually being a couple. So why do I write Zechs and Noin angst? I don't know. I like angst. But I like happy endings too. And I really don't like death fics. They're no fun. Not like angst! So anyway, I'll stop rambling so you can get on to the angst!
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Love Conquers All
"No."
That small two letter word shot through her like a poisoned arrow, leaving a gaping, burning wound. No. It reverberated through the halls of her consciousness, destroying the very fabric of her being. No. That little, tiny word had just irrevocably altered her reality forever. It shook up her soul; chilled her to the bone. No.
There was nothing she could do about it. Nothing could rebuild the wreckage of her heart after that word had passed his lips. All she could do was sit. Sit, and stare into those, hardened, crystal blue eyes and wish she could do something, anything, to melt the ice that was reflected in those clear pools.
She turned away and wondered what she had done wrong. There must have been something… but there wasn't. She knew that she had done everything possible, every thing in her power to prevent this from happening. But it had happened anyway, and she was helpless to change it. Why? Why can't you love me?
Perhaps it was a lie. After all, he'd lied about his true feelings before. Sadly, she shook her head. She knew he was telling the truth. She knew him far too well, and she almost wished she didn't know him that well. He couldn't hide anything from her, and certainly not something like this. That's what hurt her the most. Honesty. Why was he being so honest now, of all times? If he had lied, told her that he did love her, she would have believed him. Even if she knew he was lying, she would have convinced herself otherwise. As long as she could hear those words just once, she would be willing to compromise her self-honesty. Surely he knew that. He knew her just as well as she knew him. And, she also knew, that's why he had told her the truth. He wouldn't stand for to compromise herself for his sake. He didn't believe he deserved it. There were a lot of things he thought he didn't deserve. That was one of the few things the two of them disagreed on.
Despite everything they'd been through together, and alone, despite all the pain they'd shared, he didn't lover her, and he never would. That was something else she knew, and that knowledge was killing her. How was she supposed to go on when her world had rejected her? Every breath she took burned with all the fury of hell; all she knew was the pain that was consuming her. Every heart beat was like a fresh blow. She was mildly surprised to find it still beating at all. Time stretched on for an eternity, threatening to deafen them with its silence.
Finally, he broke the silence. It shattered like glass at the sounding of his voice, sending jagged daggers through her soul once more. "I… I'm sorry." His apology was sad, resigned. He knew no words could save her from the death blow he'd just delivered. "I lost the capacity to love long ago."
Shaking with anger, frustration, helplessness, and despair, her hands balled into fists as the brick wall she'd carefully erected to hide her emotions crumbled like sand. "How could you say that?" she bit back harshly as an ocean of tears tumbled down her red-hot cheeks. "Love is a part of us. People can't live without love. It's what makes us human." Her voice was surprisingly bitter. The usually controlled and calm ex-soldier had never lost control of herself like this before.
"Perhaps I'm not truly alive," came his emotionless reply. "I wanted to love you. I tried. I just don't have anything left for you."
"Do you even have anything left for yourself? If not love, than what?" There was no trace of bitterness left in her voice, only regret and sorrow. Regret that she couldn't save him, sorrow that by rights should have been left behind long ago.
If only they'd been born in a time of peace. If only he'd been spared the horror and pain of loosing his parents, home, and childhood all in one night. Destiny was cruel, though, and no mere mortal woman could halt the interminable flow of its tides.
She looked deeply, longingly into his icy eyes, and what she saw reflected in those frozen pools gave her no hope. What she saw there was a deep, infinite sorrow that stretched far beyond even the vast reaches of space; despair darker than the blackest of nights; and self loathing that was stronger and fiercer than gundanium armor could ever hope to be. It was then that she realized how much he truly hated himself and the actions he had taken in the last war. And how could one love another if one didn't love one's own self?
"I should have died with Treize. I cannot truly live in these times of peace, for all I know is war and suffering. But I'm too much of a coward to die." His was a soft, almost calm whisper, but the softness belied the hopeless despair that smoldered within, threatening to burst into flames and consume him.
Although the tears continued to wash down her face, her voice was surprisingly steady. "It is not out of cowardice that you live, but courage. To die is to take the easy way out, to give up. To live is to fight. All you know is war. Every day is a battle to stay afloat, to not get swept up by all the problems of living, to survive, and you've chosen to fight. You're a strong person. Far stronger than I."
"Of course you would look at it that way." A ghost of a grief-filled smile flashed across his troubled face. A thousand dead soldiers still haunted him at night when he was alone with the darkness. "You are the strong one. You've always been there for me. I've never been there for you. Even when you need me the most of all, I can do nothing for you." He looked away from her red, tear-streaked face in shame and bitterness.
"I never asked for anything in return, and I never expected anything. I'm not asking for anything now. I just needed to know how you felt. That's all. So don't worry about it." Her smile was brief but genuine, if a little pained. "I'm not sure why I even bothered to ask. It doesn't really change anything. I still love you, and I'd gladly do it all over again. I'll still stand by the promise I made to you. No matter what happens, I'll always be here, with you."
"I do care for you, but I can't…" His words were halted by the tears that were rising within him. Why am I so weak? Just look at me, what I've done to her. With practiced ease he recovered his composure, but inside he was more disgusted with himself than he'd ever been before. "I am truly grateful for everything that you've done. Maybe someday I'll be able to repay you." As he looked past the dreary cityscape into the bleak, gray skies beyond, he knew his debt could never be repaid. Not in this life, and not in the next. If only I could feel love. Then… I wish everything would just stop. All of the hate and grief and pain…Why did I have to live?
She rose and walked over to stand beside him. Although she was still crying inside, her eyes were no longer wet, and a light of happiness shone through the darkness of her soul. It was enough to just be near him. That was all she needed. She just wanted the man she loved to be happy.
At that thought, her momentary happiness vanished, extinguished like a candle in a cold breeze. Could he ever be truly happy? No, she thought. Not as long as he can't forgive himself. Not as long as he carries the weight of the dead. Could she save him? Was it possible to rescue him from the endless darkness he was helplessly drowning in? There was only so much she could do; no matter how much she loved him.
In order for him to shed his sorrow, his self doubt, he needed to rise above them; acknowledge his mistakes and move on. He had to learn to love himself. And that was, she knew, the one thing he would not, could not, do. Looking once more into the infinite depths of those hard, emotionless eyes, she knew he never would. She couldn't help that anymore than she could stop the sun from rising.
Standing there, feeling small and inadequate, she prayed with all her heart that she was wrong. Her hands balled into fists again as she bit back black despair. She would never give up on him. He was the only reason she had to be alive. To give up on him was to give up on herself. So, she would stay by his side, always hoping that somehow, someway, he would defeat his demons and rise above his pain, that love would conquer all.