Beginning of the End
Authors: Starchild and Saavik
Chapter 21: Awh, Ain't They Cute
***Disclaimer*** See Chapter Seven.
When you see // ..// it means the person is thinking and not talking.
*********
Snape ignored the American wench and started for his dungeons. //How could she know elfin? I don't know elfin, Albus doesn't know elven, hell even GRANGER doesn't know elfin...at least I hope she doesn't. Damn know it all.//
"Well, if it isn't that little boy from the basement!"
Cats loud exclamation grabbed Snape's attention. Turning he saw a large predatory smile grace the new staff members face as she literally slide up to Potter's side. Longbottom dove behind his housemate as she neared. Smirking, Snape glided off to his rooms for silent contemplation. //They deserve one another. Maybe Potter can depress her. He's become rather good at depressing me, which is actually rather difficult. Why do I keep up long internal monologues? Merlin help us, I'm turning into Dumbledore. The world can only handle so many lemon-drop toting old fools.//
Cat stuck out her hand and waited for Harry to shake it. Harry drew a deep breath, glanced at Snape's retreating form, and reached for the offered appendage.
"Well now, you seem far more civilized when you're not punching people."
"Harry, you pun..pun..pun..."
"The word is punched dear."
"Thanks. You punched somebody?"
"Yeah, Snape. What, I was having a rough day!"
"Your still alive and you hit Snape. Dumbledore didn't expel you, your not under some dark curse, your not in the infirmary, your not..."
"NO NEVEIL now shut it!"
"Boys, boys. Can you stop long enough for a girl to introduce herself?"
"Sorry."
"S..s...sor...sorry."
"Now that's better. My name is Catlynia Jackson, Ms J. in class and Cat outside of school hours. I'm the new muggle studies instructor."
"You're a professor?"
"No, instructor. I don't have a degree."
Harry mumbled, "Never stopped the old guy before."
"I heard that, Harry isn't it? Albus told me you and a boy, Neville I believe, were staying here over the summer. And you must be Neville. I do hope you two normally don't fight so much. If you're in the same dorm things could get nasty."
"Oh no Ms. J., once the term begins I'll start harassing Malfoy, Neville will be to preoccupied with not passing out in Potions to annoy me and we won't even notice each other. Right Neville?"
Neville blushed and looked to the ground. "No.nobo.nobody ever notices me. Except when I stud.stutter in class or blow up my caldri.cauldron." Harry tried not to roll his eyes at his fellow student's prominent speech impediment. Neville only seemed to have a problem when he was nervous. Harry found it hard to sympathize, but he tried.
Cat brushed past Harry and put her arm around Neville. "You know I use to have the same problem. Believe me once puberty hits it'll all be right as rain." Cat gave him a quick peak on the cheek and seeing Albus ran down the hall. "ALBUS! Wait up, I have a question. What the heck are elves?"
The two boys stood in the entry way.
"Neville, I believe I am actually glad to be taking Divination instead of muggle studies. She is nutters. What are elves? Every wizard and witch knows about elves. It's in first year! She scares me, I don't need another crazy doweling out orders in my life. And that hair, it's just to, well red. It can't be natural. You're in muggle studies, right? Bet there'll be a mass dash to switch after the sorting. Maybe you should beat the rush and talk to McGonagall now."
Neville attempted to wipe the silly grin off of his face. "Not me Harry, I'm suddenly looking forward to a class that doesn't involve the greenhouses for once. She seems nice. But what was that about pub.puberty?"
Harry glanced at Neville. "Tell me somebody gave you 'the talk'." Neville just shook his head in confusion. Harry promptly banged his head against the stone wall. "Gods Longbottom, do you not even ease drop on the rest of the dorm?"
"That would be impolite."
Harry took a deep breath. "This is going to take a while. I was counting on not doing this until I was at least thirty and had three kids and a wife to pawn this off on. You were on the way to the greenhouses right?" At Neville's nod Harry went on, "I'll walk with you and explain. Snape looked a little preoccupied. He shouldn't miss me for a good couple of hours. Hopefully I can cover the basics. Merlin, if we had waited any longer with this 'talk' you would have found out the hard way." Harry began to snicker, "or perhaps you already have, you are 16. This is coming a bit late." Neville just looked more confused. "Never mind. Must be a late bloomer, as usual for you. So you do know about voices changing, body hair, rather embarrassingly fun dreams...no....hell."
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
One hour later:
"Oh good Merlin, that sounds horrible!"
"Neville it is entirely unavoidable."
"But I don't want to."
"We don't have much of a choice."
"Isn't there a potion or a spell to tak.take care of it?"
"Not one that's safe. The ones that handle this sort of thing are rather dark."
"So there is no avoiding this."
"Correct."
"Alright, I'll have it over and done with by tomorrow."
"That's a boy. But do be careful."
"I will, just can you help me get started?"
"Of course. Nobody should be alone on their first try."
Neville smiled in relief.
"Now you just grasp it at the base, yes just like that. Now don't yank, you'll just damage it. Good. Now, well it's a little difficult to explain, just ..I think you've got the hang of it. You are such a fast study!"
"Tha.tha...thank you. It isn't as hard as you made it sound."
"Well I wanted you to be prepared. Did that book help?"
"Immensely Prof. Sprout. I don't think I would have ever gotten a firm grasp on fluxweed root removal without the background work. It is all rather fascinating."
"If you enjoyed that I'll have to loan you Madam Applegirk's work on the stewing for tomorrow. I have to run along now, but you shouldn't have any problems with the set up for the next stage. First the troll infusion, then the squeezing, then leave them on the drying racks. Now remember the roots have to soak in the troll mucus for exactly 7 minutes and you'll have to hold them under by hand. They tend to float up and we can't contaminate the mixture with weights."
"Won't my hand contaminate it?" Neville's tone was oddly hopeful.
"No dear, not since we'll be adding three drops of your blood to the mixture to help with magical transference ratios needed latter...now where did I but that knife. Neville, Neville. Oh drat, he fainted. Poppy, Poppy, oh where are you when I need you.. I do wish Severus wasn't too busy to do this part. I hate getting these things ready for potions use. That's his job, but that new teacher and Albus have him working on something..Oh wake up!.. Harry! Harry can you give me a hand."
Seeing the knife and bowl of troll mucus Harry decided to turn tail and run before he got to finish telling Neville about the facts of life. "Sorry Professor, but I have to ahh...find that new instructor. Wanted to see if I couldn't get a head start on the homework.."
Prof. Sprout just shook her head as Harry disappeared around the edge of the greenhouse. "When did he find out about the mandatory muggle studies classes? I thought Albus was keeping that a secret for the sorting. Oh well. Here we go, Neville, sit up dear. No, no its alright the knife is sharp. Hold still.don't squirm. Now look, I've just nicked an artery. You really need to get over...oh. Sorry. Well Poppy should be able to reattach that...eventually."
A/N: Sorry for the total absurdity of this chapter. Neville has decided that he wanted to be perverted for once and there was nothing I could do to stop him. I thought the comic interlude was needed as well. After Christmas the laughs will have a more M*A*S*H feel. You know, jokes between bombshells, laugh in the face of death, really dark humor, kinda stuff.
I also here by dedicate this chapter to my wonderful reviewer nekohebi.
LL&P Saavik
Authors: Starchild and Saavik
Chapter 21: Awh, Ain't They Cute
***Disclaimer*** See Chapter Seven.
When you see // ..// it means the person is thinking and not talking.
*********
Snape ignored the American wench and started for his dungeons. //How could she know elfin? I don't know elfin, Albus doesn't know elven, hell even GRANGER doesn't know elfin...at least I hope she doesn't. Damn know it all.//
"Well, if it isn't that little boy from the basement!"
Cats loud exclamation grabbed Snape's attention. Turning he saw a large predatory smile grace the new staff members face as she literally slide up to Potter's side. Longbottom dove behind his housemate as she neared. Smirking, Snape glided off to his rooms for silent contemplation. //They deserve one another. Maybe Potter can depress her. He's become rather good at depressing me, which is actually rather difficult. Why do I keep up long internal monologues? Merlin help us, I'm turning into Dumbledore. The world can only handle so many lemon-drop toting old fools.//
Cat stuck out her hand and waited for Harry to shake it. Harry drew a deep breath, glanced at Snape's retreating form, and reached for the offered appendage.
"Well now, you seem far more civilized when you're not punching people."
"Harry, you pun..pun..pun..."
"The word is punched dear."
"Thanks. You punched somebody?"
"Yeah, Snape. What, I was having a rough day!"
"Your still alive and you hit Snape. Dumbledore didn't expel you, your not under some dark curse, your not in the infirmary, your not..."
"NO NEVEIL now shut it!"
"Boys, boys. Can you stop long enough for a girl to introduce herself?"
"Sorry."
"S..s...sor...sorry."
"Now that's better. My name is Catlynia Jackson, Ms J. in class and Cat outside of school hours. I'm the new muggle studies instructor."
"You're a professor?"
"No, instructor. I don't have a degree."
Harry mumbled, "Never stopped the old guy before."
"I heard that, Harry isn't it? Albus told me you and a boy, Neville I believe, were staying here over the summer. And you must be Neville. I do hope you two normally don't fight so much. If you're in the same dorm things could get nasty."
"Oh no Ms. J., once the term begins I'll start harassing Malfoy, Neville will be to preoccupied with not passing out in Potions to annoy me and we won't even notice each other. Right Neville?"
Neville blushed and looked to the ground. "No.nobo.nobody ever notices me. Except when I stud.stutter in class or blow up my caldri.cauldron." Harry tried not to roll his eyes at his fellow student's prominent speech impediment. Neville only seemed to have a problem when he was nervous. Harry found it hard to sympathize, but he tried.
Cat brushed past Harry and put her arm around Neville. "You know I use to have the same problem. Believe me once puberty hits it'll all be right as rain." Cat gave him a quick peak on the cheek and seeing Albus ran down the hall. "ALBUS! Wait up, I have a question. What the heck are elves?"
The two boys stood in the entry way.
"Neville, I believe I am actually glad to be taking Divination instead of muggle studies. She is nutters. What are elves? Every wizard and witch knows about elves. It's in first year! She scares me, I don't need another crazy doweling out orders in my life. And that hair, it's just to, well red. It can't be natural. You're in muggle studies, right? Bet there'll be a mass dash to switch after the sorting. Maybe you should beat the rush and talk to McGonagall now."
Neville attempted to wipe the silly grin off of his face. "Not me Harry, I'm suddenly looking forward to a class that doesn't involve the greenhouses for once. She seems nice. But what was that about pub.puberty?"
Harry glanced at Neville. "Tell me somebody gave you 'the talk'." Neville just shook his head in confusion. Harry promptly banged his head against the stone wall. "Gods Longbottom, do you not even ease drop on the rest of the dorm?"
"That would be impolite."
Harry took a deep breath. "This is going to take a while. I was counting on not doing this until I was at least thirty and had three kids and a wife to pawn this off on. You were on the way to the greenhouses right?" At Neville's nod Harry went on, "I'll walk with you and explain. Snape looked a little preoccupied. He shouldn't miss me for a good couple of hours. Hopefully I can cover the basics. Merlin, if we had waited any longer with this 'talk' you would have found out the hard way." Harry began to snicker, "or perhaps you already have, you are 16. This is coming a bit late." Neville just looked more confused. "Never mind. Must be a late bloomer, as usual for you. So you do know about voices changing, body hair, rather embarrassingly fun dreams...no....hell."
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
One hour later:
"Oh good Merlin, that sounds horrible!"
"Neville it is entirely unavoidable."
"But I don't want to."
"We don't have much of a choice."
"Isn't there a potion or a spell to tak.take care of it?"
"Not one that's safe. The ones that handle this sort of thing are rather dark."
"So there is no avoiding this."
"Correct."
"Alright, I'll have it over and done with by tomorrow."
"That's a boy. But do be careful."
"I will, just can you help me get started?"
"Of course. Nobody should be alone on their first try."
Neville smiled in relief.
"Now you just grasp it at the base, yes just like that. Now don't yank, you'll just damage it. Good. Now, well it's a little difficult to explain, just ..I think you've got the hang of it. You are such a fast study!"
"Tha.tha...thank you. It isn't as hard as you made it sound."
"Well I wanted you to be prepared. Did that book help?"
"Immensely Prof. Sprout. I don't think I would have ever gotten a firm grasp on fluxweed root removal without the background work. It is all rather fascinating."
"If you enjoyed that I'll have to loan you Madam Applegirk's work on the stewing for tomorrow. I have to run along now, but you shouldn't have any problems with the set up for the next stage. First the troll infusion, then the squeezing, then leave them on the drying racks. Now remember the roots have to soak in the troll mucus for exactly 7 minutes and you'll have to hold them under by hand. They tend to float up and we can't contaminate the mixture with weights."
"Won't my hand contaminate it?" Neville's tone was oddly hopeful.
"No dear, not since we'll be adding three drops of your blood to the mixture to help with magical transference ratios needed latter...now where did I but that knife. Neville, Neville. Oh drat, he fainted. Poppy, Poppy, oh where are you when I need you.. I do wish Severus wasn't too busy to do this part. I hate getting these things ready for potions use. That's his job, but that new teacher and Albus have him working on something..Oh wake up!.. Harry! Harry can you give me a hand."
Seeing the knife and bowl of troll mucus Harry decided to turn tail and run before he got to finish telling Neville about the facts of life. "Sorry Professor, but I have to ahh...find that new instructor. Wanted to see if I couldn't get a head start on the homework.."
Prof. Sprout just shook her head as Harry disappeared around the edge of the greenhouse. "When did he find out about the mandatory muggle studies classes? I thought Albus was keeping that a secret for the sorting. Oh well. Here we go, Neville, sit up dear. No, no its alright the knife is sharp. Hold still.don't squirm. Now look, I've just nicked an artery. You really need to get over...oh. Sorry. Well Poppy should be able to reattach that...eventually."
A/N: Sorry for the total absurdity of this chapter. Neville has decided that he wanted to be perverted for once and there was nothing I could do to stop him. I thought the comic interlude was needed as well. After Christmas the laughs will have a more M*A*S*H feel. You know, jokes between bombshells, laugh in the face of death, really dark humor, kinda stuff.
I also here by dedicate this chapter to my wonderful reviewer nekohebi.
LL&P Saavik