A/N: You guys don't think I should be slapped for writing this do you? And
that I should get out of the LOTR section? I got a flamer as the first
review on chapter five, and it wasn't a nice Birthday present! (sniffs)
However (Erin: I *love* howevers! Me: Shut up, stupid muse) Star's all happy now, because she has lots of happy reviews. Okay, so I caused serious damage to a few hobbits. They survived! (obviously, or this wouldn't have canon characters) And to answer a few things before I carry on,
GreyladyBast asked if I'd messed up the timeline, or this was AU. I answer: I have not an earthly idea. It is something in between times, they're on their way to Lothlorian, cos at some point,.. Not going into that! Anyway, yeah, it's kind of AU. But Alex is too annoying not to be given space to *play*.
And I'm a nice person really. You have to remember, this is *not* self insertion. I'm an addict, I write whatever I think because I have to, but this is *fiction* people! Just because Alex thinks Frodo's annoying, and hits him with heavy objects, does not mean *I* do!
Plus, I actually *checked* my copy, and found, (with twitching) that this is possible. If Tolkien got stoned. But that's anooother story! Kidding! I should shut up now, shouldn't I ?
Okay, breathing! ^_^ I'm a happy author, really. Just, kinda stressed.
*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*& Timeline: This should occur around the chapter, The Ring Goes South, but the days I'm talking about happen in between the time on the Road, and the time Sam sees the birds. And it's a little bit of humour, as this is probably going to get heavy before long. So have fun!
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They had been riding, a long time. And Alex had been forced to make her peace with the Fellowship. Just so we're clear, she didn't include Legolas. She hated his guts still, it's hard to override training of about three years or so. But they (the Fellowship) had ridden for a fortnight,
The weather had changed, and Gandalf had had a *meaningful* conversation with the others, while Alex had gone behind a tree to pee. When she returned, they were setting up camp.
"Oh jeez, it seems all we do here is ride and sleep, do you guys have a reputation to up hold, or somethin?" she said, wrinkling her nose. Sam looked up from the fire.
"No, mistress, in fact we hobbits like to eat," he replied cheerfully, and gestured to the panful of hot food.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever," she said grumpily. She had *almost* become reconciled to the fact she seemed to be staying here, but not quite.
They ate, and drank, and then Merry winked at Pippin, away from the rest of the Fellowship's eyes.
"Are we going to do it?" Merry asked. Pippin cast an eye over the others. Alex sat apart from them, eating slowly, not joining in the conversation. (A/N: I said she had reconciled, not that she was *happy*)
"Yeah!" he said, with a wicked little grin. "If this doesn't bring her closer to the Fellowship, nothing will!" They cackled together, and rsan off into the woody part to get a few things.
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Legolas, Gimli and Aragorn had disappeared off to talk about strategies, and watches, while Alex ended up talking with Sam. Sam seemed to be the only person here she could actually stand, and they ended up talking about gardens, in Sam's case, his, in Alex's, Hampton Court's.
Merry and Pippin rounded the corner, and walked toward them. Sam walked away to tend the fire, and they sat down before Alex.
"What do *you* want?" she asked suspiciously.
"Nothin'!" Merry protested, then glanced at Pippin.
"well, *actually*."
"What?" she demanded.
"We found some berries in the wood, and seeing as there are only a few," Pippin gestured to the heap he and Merry were carrying, " We wanted to eat them, but don't want to share. So can you hide us?" Alex glared at the two innocent looking hobbits.
"Fine. But I want a berry!" she said, snatching one off the top. Merry and Pippin grinned at one another.
"Hey! I want *you* to eat one first!" she announced, triumphantly, placing the berry back on top of the succulent pile. Pippin looked terrified. Merry calmly picked up a berry, and popped it in his mouth.
"MMMMM yummy!" he said slowly, and encouragingly, like he was trying to coax a dumbassed child to eat the disgusting porrige in front of them.
Alex looked at the hobbit. It hadn't dropped down dead. She placed the berry on her tongue, and bit down.
"Yaaaaaaaay!!" Merry yelled, and danced around Pippin in a circle. Pippin ended up doing sonmething that looked like a strip tease, but wasn't as I hate hobbit slash, or sex. They're too damn innocent looking!
"What the f**k have I eaten!" Alex yelled. They stopped dancing, and smiled up at her.
Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, and Gandalf (A/N: did I forget to mention he'd slipped off to have a smoke?) returned, and caught sight of the berries, and the sick looking Alex.
"Did you eat these?" Gandalf asked, worriedly.
"No duh. I'm feeling like my stomach's turning over as a result of eating jellybabies and ice cream, and the hobbits are dancing because they want to do a slash piece starring them and Gimli," she retorted.
"Do you know what they are?" Aragorn asked, with a wry grin.
"If I had, I obviously wouldn't have eaten them!" Alex yelled. "What are they?"
"They are called Hobbit's mischief, for the havoc they wreak on any species. The do not affect hobbits," Frodo said, smiling at the sight of Merry and Pippin cracked up.
When the two hobbits had landed, both with a combat boot print on their butt, Alex asked,
"So what will they do to me?"
The Fellowship all considered how they would answer that question, without getting kicked across to Modor. They realised they *couldn't* and everyone pushed Gimli forward.
"Well, the,er, person who eats the thing, gets to be." he scratched his head, then glanced back at the Fellowship. They backed away.
"What?" she asked again, patting her arms to check for spikes. She'd seen an episode of Andromeda, and that guy on there *must* have had a bad time keeping those things covered. (A/N: watch Andromeda, you foolish mortals!)
"Well,theyfallmadlyinlovewiththeonepersontheyhatethemostbetheymaleorfemale," Gimli stuttered, then ran like hell.
"WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!" Birds flew, Orcs ran, and the Ringwraiths poised just five metres away, fell off their horses.
Alex sat down, and began pounding her head against her fist.
"It's not so bad," Aragorn tried to comfort her. "At least you don't despise Gandalf, which was what happened the last time something like this happened." He shuddered at the memory.
"What? There could be worse thasn this? The person I hate most is *Legolas* of all people! Now in about five minutes, I will act like a complete idiot!" she howled.
"hey!" Legolas sdaid defensively. "Falling in love with me is *not* that bad a proposition!"
"It's Alex," Gimli said. "Yes it is."
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Five minutes had been and gone. In fact, Legolas was *seriously* considering tying Alex to a tree with mithrel, if it wasn't for the fact that she'd kill him, when she snapped out of it.
In fact, at this point in time, the only way to get any peace, was to have her in his lap. She seemed quite content there, and at least she wasn't bullying the hobbits anymore, it just happened to be rather unfair, as he *was* a male Elf, and he couldn't help it if close contact with a female, albiet a *highly* annoying one, meant several parts of his anatomy betrayed himself. So he was sitting with a rigid look of desperate disapproval on his face, while trying to maintain a degree of control.
(A/N: Hahahahahahahaha!!!!)
Alex wriggled, and he eased in a slow breath. Right now, he was seriously considering enunch as a possible career move.
"Legolas, my love?" she breathed into his ear, and he stuck his finger in, and waggled it. He was extremely ticklish, and *didn't* want her to work that out.
"Yes?" he answered nervously. The lasst time she'd made a request, it had involved foodstuffs.
"Why won't you prove all those rumours on the 'net true, and keep me awake all night?"
Logic. That was the way to deal with this, logic.
"Because," he started, " If I do, then you won't be able to ride tomorrow, and an Orc will find you, and you'll die." Then hastily added, woodenly, "and I *wouldn't* want that to happen."
"You'd save me, wouldn't you?" she asked, in the same sickly tones. Pippin, sittin g opposite them, around the fire, stuffed his fist in his mouth to keep from cracking up. Legolas glared.
"Erm, of course. I save helpless girls lots of times!" he said brightly, *hoping* to piss her off enough to snap out of it. Instead, she put her head on his shjoulder, and snuggled in. He let out a yelp that sounded as if someone had stepped on a puppy's tail.
"I knew you would. It's one of the reasons I love you," she said.
Pander to her. Pander to her, or it prolongs the damn thing, Gandlaf had told him, but be damned if he was sleeping with a seventeen year old hormone bomb so she didn't stay in love with him for longer. Merry smirked at him.
"Maybe we should sing, serenade you both, and you can dance?" he suggested, a note of vicious humour in his voice. Pippin slapped him.
"The plan was to humiliate *her* not him!" he said, gesturing to Legolas. He was feeling guilty, and to tell the truth , very ill. None of the Fellowship had seen a nice side of Alex, and her groping Legolas, or attempts to, from the original position of hating his guts, was too much to handle. However ( A/N: Told ya! You wouldn't have forgiven me if I hadn't written this, would ya? Alex gets revenged on!) Alex had already agreed eagerly. Legolas took one look at the pleading, melting eyes of his, uh, *sweetheart*, and relunctantly stood up. She fell onto the floor.
"Well done! Nice manover!" Gimli yelled, toasting him. Gandalf raised an eyebrow.
"What?" Gmli asked, shrugging. Gandalf blew a smoke ring.
"Right, one, two, three, four!" Merry yelled, drunkenly conducting them in a chorus of, 'Can you feel the love tonight'. (A/N: You do know that that belongs to the Lion King, right?) Legolas gritted his teeth. Alex adoringly slipped her hand into his, and followed him in circles. Legolas found himself wishing for the time she'd have kicked him for touching her.
They danced for about half an hour, during which, Alex got quite good, seeing as she was being as submissive as a hedgehog to a dog. (A/N: I froze, okay?) Then she slipped her hands into what Gandalf had nicknamed the 'orange zone', (his hair) and pulled his lips onto hers.
They kissed, and for a seventeen year old who liked kicking his ass, she was suprisingly good at this activity, he discovered. The whoops from what was called the 'peanut gallery', (find a dictionary, mortals!) consisting of Merry and Pippin, were silenced by a look from Gandalf.
"Legolas, I. I want to sleep with you," Alex whispered, and Legolas really wanted to be sick around about now. Suddenly, she dropped down to her knees, and fainted.
"Thank the Lord for that!" Gandalf exclaimed. Legolas lifted her.
"What's wrong with her?" he asked. "The effect of acting like a normal teenager got too much for her, but it will wear off overnight. However, if she does wake up, you will be needed to be nearby."
He groaned. Great.
"Why?" Gandalf merely walked away. Shrugging, he lifted Alex, and dumped her on the floor. Sinking down beside her, he fell asleep.
"Why *does* he have to be nearby?" Merrry asked.
"Because I don't want to be killed when she storms through camp looking to castrate Legolas!" Gandalf chuckled.
*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*
There. For all you Mary-sue haters, here's a real parody. Didn't think that was coming? Check the first chapter, and Alex's dream. I've been hinting at this for ages, and it's finaslly out. And guess what? I know where I'm going now! Lalalalalallaalalalala! (crazed author skips off to lalala land, while Erin(muse) takes over). Erin: Yeah, review, please. I consider this the funniest part so far.
Gets dragged off)
Lalaalalalalala! Candy for all!
However (Erin: I *love* howevers! Me: Shut up, stupid muse) Star's all happy now, because she has lots of happy reviews. Okay, so I caused serious damage to a few hobbits. They survived! (obviously, or this wouldn't have canon characters) And to answer a few things before I carry on,
GreyladyBast asked if I'd messed up the timeline, or this was AU. I answer: I have not an earthly idea. It is something in between times, they're on their way to Lothlorian, cos at some point,.. Not going into that! Anyway, yeah, it's kind of AU. But Alex is too annoying not to be given space to *play*.
And I'm a nice person really. You have to remember, this is *not* self insertion. I'm an addict, I write whatever I think because I have to, but this is *fiction* people! Just because Alex thinks Frodo's annoying, and hits him with heavy objects, does not mean *I* do!
Plus, I actually *checked* my copy, and found, (with twitching) that this is possible. If Tolkien got stoned. But that's anooother story! Kidding! I should shut up now, shouldn't I ?
Okay, breathing! ^_^ I'm a happy author, really. Just, kinda stressed.
*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*& Timeline: This should occur around the chapter, The Ring Goes South, but the days I'm talking about happen in between the time on the Road, and the time Sam sees the birds. And it's a little bit of humour, as this is probably going to get heavy before long. So have fun!
&*&*&*&***&*&*&*&*&*&*&
They had been riding, a long time. And Alex had been forced to make her peace with the Fellowship. Just so we're clear, she didn't include Legolas. She hated his guts still, it's hard to override training of about three years or so. But they (the Fellowship) had ridden for a fortnight,
The weather had changed, and Gandalf had had a *meaningful* conversation with the others, while Alex had gone behind a tree to pee. When she returned, they were setting up camp.
"Oh jeez, it seems all we do here is ride and sleep, do you guys have a reputation to up hold, or somethin?" she said, wrinkling her nose. Sam looked up from the fire.
"No, mistress, in fact we hobbits like to eat," he replied cheerfully, and gestured to the panful of hot food.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever," she said grumpily. She had *almost* become reconciled to the fact she seemed to be staying here, but not quite.
They ate, and drank, and then Merry winked at Pippin, away from the rest of the Fellowship's eyes.
"Are we going to do it?" Merry asked. Pippin cast an eye over the others. Alex sat apart from them, eating slowly, not joining in the conversation. (A/N: I said she had reconciled, not that she was *happy*)
"Yeah!" he said, with a wicked little grin. "If this doesn't bring her closer to the Fellowship, nothing will!" They cackled together, and rsan off into the woody part to get a few things.
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Legolas, Gimli and Aragorn had disappeared off to talk about strategies, and watches, while Alex ended up talking with Sam. Sam seemed to be the only person here she could actually stand, and they ended up talking about gardens, in Sam's case, his, in Alex's, Hampton Court's.
Merry and Pippin rounded the corner, and walked toward them. Sam walked away to tend the fire, and they sat down before Alex.
"What do *you* want?" she asked suspiciously.
"Nothin'!" Merry protested, then glanced at Pippin.
"well, *actually*."
"What?" she demanded.
"We found some berries in the wood, and seeing as there are only a few," Pippin gestured to the heap he and Merry were carrying, " We wanted to eat them, but don't want to share. So can you hide us?" Alex glared at the two innocent looking hobbits.
"Fine. But I want a berry!" she said, snatching one off the top. Merry and Pippin grinned at one another.
"Hey! I want *you* to eat one first!" she announced, triumphantly, placing the berry back on top of the succulent pile. Pippin looked terrified. Merry calmly picked up a berry, and popped it in his mouth.
"MMMMM yummy!" he said slowly, and encouragingly, like he was trying to coax a dumbassed child to eat the disgusting porrige in front of them.
Alex looked at the hobbit. It hadn't dropped down dead. She placed the berry on her tongue, and bit down.
"Yaaaaaaaay!!" Merry yelled, and danced around Pippin in a circle. Pippin ended up doing sonmething that looked like a strip tease, but wasn't as I hate hobbit slash, or sex. They're too damn innocent looking!
"What the f**k have I eaten!" Alex yelled. They stopped dancing, and smiled up at her.
Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, and Gandalf (A/N: did I forget to mention he'd slipped off to have a smoke?) returned, and caught sight of the berries, and the sick looking Alex.
"Did you eat these?" Gandalf asked, worriedly.
"No duh. I'm feeling like my stomach's turning over as a result of eating jellybabies and ice cream, and the hobbits are dancing because they want to do a slash piece starring them and Gimli," she retorted.
"Do you know what they are?" Aragorn asked, with a wry grin.
"If I had, I obviously wouldn't have eaten them!" Alex yelled. "What are they?"
"They are called Hobbit's mischief, for the havoc they wreak on any species. The do not affect hobbits," Frodo said, smiling at the sight of Merry and Pippin cracked up.
When the two hobbits had landed, both with a combat boot print on their butt, Alex asked,
"So what will they do to me?"
The Fellowship all considered how they would answer that question, without getting kicked across to Modor. They realised they *couldn't* and everyone pushed Gimli forward.
"Well, the,er, person who eats the thing, gets to be." he scratched his head, then glanced back at the Fellowship. They backed away.
"What?" she asked again, patting her arms to check for spikes. She'd seen an episode of Andromeda, and that guy on there *must* have had a bad time keeping those things covered. (A/N: watch Andromeda, you foolish mortals!)
"Well,theyfallmadlyinlovewiththeonepersontheyhatethemostbetheymaleorfemale," Gimli stuttered, then ran like hell.
"WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!" Birds flew, Orcs ran, and the Ringwraiths poised just five metres away, fell off their horses.
Alex sat down, and began pounding her head against her fist.
"It's not so bad," Aragorn tried to comfort her. "At least you don't despise Gandalf, which was what happened the last time something like this happened." He shuddered at the memory.
"What? There could be worse thasn this? The person I hate most is *Legolas* of all people! Now in about five minutes, I will act like a complete idiot!" she howled.
"hey!" Legolas sdaid defensively. "Falling in love with me is *not* that bad a proposition!"
"It's Alex," Gimli said. "Yes it is."
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Five minutes had been and gone. In fact, Legolas was *seriously* considering tying Alex to a tree with mithrel, if it wasn't for the fact that she'd kill him, when she snapped out of it.
In fact, at this point in time, the only way to get any peace, was to have her in his lap. She seemed quite content there, and at least she wasn't bullying the hobbits anymore, it just happened to be rather unfair, as he *was* a male Elf, and he couldn't help it if close contact with a female, albiet a *highly* annoying one, meant several parts of his anatomy betrayed himself. So he was sitting with a rigid look of desperate disapproval on his face, while trying to maintain a degree of control.
(A/N: Hahahahahahahaha!!!!)
Alex wriggled, and he eased in a slow breath. Right now, he was seriously considering enunch as a possible career move.
"Legolas, my love?" she breathed into his ear, and he stuck his finger in, and waggled it. He was extremely ticklish, and *didn't* want her to work that out.
"Yes?" he answered nervously. The lasst time she'd made a request, it had involved foodstuffs.
"Why won't you prove all those rumours on the 'net true, and keep me awake all night?"
Logic. That was the way to deal with this, logic.
"Because," he started, " If I do, then you won't be able to ride tomorrow, and an Orc will find you, and you'll die." Then hastily added, woodenly, "and I *wouldn't* want that to happen."
"You'd save me, wouldn't you?" she asked, in the same sickly tones. Pippin, sittin g opposite them, around the fire, stuffed his fist in his mouth to keep from cracking up. Legolas glared.
"Erm, of course. I save helpless girls lots of times!" he said brightly, *hoping* to piss her off enough to snap out of it. Instead, she put her head on his shjoulder, and snuggled in. He let out a yelp that sounded as if someone had stepped on a puppy's tail.
"I knew you would. It's one of the reasons I love you," she said.
Pander to her. Pander to her, or it prolongs the damn thing, Gandlaf had told him, but be damned if he was sleeping with a seventeen year old hormone bomb so she didn't stay in love with him for longer. Merry smirked at him.
"Maybe we should sing, serenade you both, and you can dance?" he suggested, a note of vicious humour in his voice. Pippin slapped him.
"The plan was to humiliate *her* not him!" he said, gesturing to Legolas. He was feeling guilty, and to tell the truth , very ill. None of the Fellowship had seen a nice side of Alex, and her groping Legolas, or attempts to, from the original position of hating his guts, was too much to handle. However ( A/N: Told ya! You wouldn't have forgiven me if I hadn't written this, would ya? Alex gets revenged on!) Alex had already agreed eagerly. Legolas took one look at the pleading, melting eyes of his, uh, *sweetheart*, and relunctantly stood up. She fell onto the floor.
"Well done! Nice manover!" Gimli yelled, toasting him. Gandalf raised an eyebrow.
"What?" Gmli asked, shrugging. Gandalf blew a smoke ring.
"Right, one, two, three, four!" Merry yelled, drunkenly conducting them in a chorus of, 'Can you feel the love tonight'. (A/N: You do know that that belongs to the Lion King, right?) Legolas gritted his teeth. Alex adoringly slipped her hand into his, and followed him in circles. Legolas found himself wishing for the time she'd have kicked him for touching her.
They danced for about half an hour, during which, Alex got quite good, seeing as she was being as submissive as a hedgehog to a dog. (A/N: I froze, okay?) Then she slipped her hands into what Gandalf had nicknamed the 'orange zone', (his hair) and pulled his lips onto hers.
They kissed, and for a seventeen year old who liked kicking his ass, she was suprisingly good at this activity, he discovered. The whoops from what was called the 'peanut gallery', (find a dictionary, mortals!) consisting of Merry and Pippin, were silenced by a look from Gandalf.
"Legolas, I. I want to sleep with you," Alex whispered, and Legolas really wanted to be sick around about now. Suddenly, she dropped down to her knees, and fainted.
"Thank the Lord for that!" Gandalf exclaimed. Legolas lifted her.
"What's wrong with her?" he asked. "The effect of acting like a normal teenager got too much for her, but it will wear off overnight. However, if she does wake up, you will be needed to be nearby."
He groaned. Great.
"Why?" Gandalf merely walked away. Shrugging, he lifted Alex, and dumped her on the floor. Sinking down beside her, he fell asleep.
"Why *does* he have to be nearby?" Merrry asked.
"Because I don't want to be killed when she storms through camp looking to castrate Legolas!" Gandalf chuckled.
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There. For all you Mary-sue haters, here's a real parody. Didn't think that was coming? Check the first chapter, and Alex's dream. I've been hinting at this for ages, and it's finaslly out. And guess what? I know where I'm going now! Lalalalalallaalalalala! (crazed author skips off to lalala land, while Erin(muse) takes over). Erin: Yeah, review, please. I consider this the funniest part so far.
Gets dragged off)
Lalaalalalalala! Candy for all!