A/N: Okay, bin awhile, people! Mines of Moria, should be last chapter next
time, which will be longer, I promise. But although I don't think this
stinks, it was fairly difficult to write, as I don't know the book
backwards, so have avoided real detail. (Sue me, my story) On second
thoughts, don't. I'm a student, very little money, yadayada. On with what
you people want.
"And we're here, for *what* exactly?" Alex asked sarcastically, as they sat outside the mines of Moria, while Gandalf attempted to open the doors now using a series of spritish swearwords, having run out of suitable phrases about an hour ago. Gimli meanwhile, was, ehem, *entertaining* the rest of the Fellowship with tales of him and his relatives that all seemed to end in ' and we crushed their skulls with the flat of me axe'. To someone used to the great variety of American television, it wasn't exactly gripping.
"Oh, I forgot. To listen to some senile old guy who's lost his keys swear at the door. And some rambling twit who.."
"Alex.." warned Aragorn, as Gimli, his face thunderous, started grunting, and hefting his axe up and down.
"Oh grow *up*. Stop playing with your stick, and run along, " Alex said bored, to Gimli, who turned red at the innuendo, then sat down.
"Has anyone *else* got anything remotely interesting to do while we wait for the village idiot who's claim to fame involves the longest beard contest solve a riddle?" Alex went on, and when Frodo's face brightened, and he opened his mouth, hastily went on, " That *doesn't* involve your big book of boredom and torture otherwise known as," she affected a falsetto, and opened her eyes to their widest, "my unkie bilbie's book of tales that we can all fall asleep to." Frodo gave her a hurt look.
"Can it, short stuff," Alex said moodily, and fell silent. Sam tentatively raised a hand.
"What?" Alex snapped.
"Well, we hobbits could.. sing," he volunteered.
"The last time you tried that. I don't want to think about the last time you tried that, " she said, wincing, " and I believe your repertoire is Disney, Westlife, and Elton John's greatest flops, so no thank you with a side order of shudder."
Again silence. Eerily silent. No animals. Frodo looked uncomfortable.
"Oh, what is it?" Alex moaned. " Either you need to wet yourself, or that bloody thing's talking to you again. Stop listening, and go to the toilet. You're giving me piles watching you."
Frodo suddenly smiled.
"What? Thinking of Legolas in his underwear again?" Alex asked, then regretting it. Blondie and underwear in the same sentence was still not possible after the intensely embarrassing thing with fruit that had put her off berries for life.
"No, Mistress Alex," he replied. She had never been able to stop him doing the mistress thing. "I was thinking, you're not from this world, why would the Ring affect you? Take it, and I'll have some peace."
"Yeah, no one would dare to take anything off her," Pippin chimed in. Alex gave him a glare that would turn milk sour. He gulped, and fell silent, Merry smiling.
"Don't," she took a deep breath, having a serious conversation with *It* was difficult, particularly since it was only waist height, "Don't offer me *that*. It's dangerous. Yes it bloody well would affect me and not in a hearts and puppy dogs way. You think Boromir's gonna be bad, I'll be worse." He looked puzzled.
"Oh damn, mucked up the plot line once again. Oh well, never mind. Just understand this. Me with PMS is bad, me with a ring is me with PMS with refined sugar, mega bad." Four little hobbits nodded their heads.
An hour passed, with Gimli trying to hack through the doors, despite him being the one telling them that nothing could get through, while the doors smugly glinted 'nahnahnahnehnah' in the moonlight. Also, Alex suggested the hobbits singing them through, with the idea that nothing could not be penetrated by 'the God awful noise they make'. It didn't work, but all of them, (sans hobbits) were a little fed up of Candle in the Wind by the timer the singathon ended.
Gandalf in the mean time, had a smoke, and a think, and then a moan about wizarding, while Alex tried out every piece of English that Gandalf hadn't already used on the doors. Needless to say, it hadn't worked.
So they were sitting around, and someone had the bright idea of throwing stones in the lake, while Gandalf shook his staff at the door, and expressed all the pent up rage of being old, stupid, and a silly character no one really cares about since Legolas came onto the scene, except for that little bit where he dies, and oh, aren't we all sad for five whole seconds then Legolas appears ad it's happy happy happy! Or something like that.
Then someone, in the heat of the several moments it was forgotten who, started throwing stones in the lake, around about the time Gandalf bought a clue, and realised he was a suspicious old git.
What with the screaming, and Legolas's little display of manly heroics, otherwise known as 'his disgusting attempt to shoot straight at Frodo, and put the world out of it's pain, but missed', Alex's picking up Frodo, and trying to toss him in the lake while saying, "Here fishie, fishie, fishie!" got a little scrambled in the mad dash for a place where wild fish beastie things didn't try to eat the Ring bearer.
Once inside the Mines of Moria, Gimli at once started to drone about his family, and the huge reception they would have as soon as somebody met them. This, which was intensely boring, soon stopped when he saw his relatives. In skeletal form.
And then Pip's ever so lucky 'let's toss a dead guy into a well, and make a huge song and dance about it' started world war three.
As Gandalf growled, 'Fool of a Took! Next time throw yourself in, and save us the bother," Alex was rather nervous.
"Um, Aragorn? The last time I heard that kind of noise was when the Native Americans took music class. And somehow, I don't think that's a Sun dance," Alex gulped, as the others noticed what was drumming through the walls.
"They're upon us!" one yelled, as the Fellowship attempted to kill the rampage of big bad ugly things, that were trying to kill them first. Alex didn't even come out with sarcastic retorts when Legolas shot a big bad ugly that was attempting to eat her.
When the Fellowship ran, like hell, and came to the bridge of doom, as Alex named it, and played 'let's cross something while Gandalf tries to play the hero."
As Gandalf slipped, the rest gazed at him in horror.
"Run you fools," he whispered, and then dropped like a stone.
"Gandalf!" Frodo cried, as they ran to safety.
Outside, in the light that seemed bright to those that had fled the tomb of Moria, the hobbits cried inconsolably, Frodo hardest of all. As Aragorn tried his manly 'let's confort each other, without talking," while Legolas appeared not to notice anything was wrong, Alex calmly removed Sam's saucepan from his pack.
A few minutes later, when the Fellowship noticed the scent of sausages, they looked up in amazement.
"What?" said Alex, munching on a sausage.
A/N: So, did it stink? I haven't written this in a while, and this was one of my worst chapters to date, and I should stop making excuses. Next chapter's the last in this series, but.. a big But, the next series of Alex's amazing adventures is gonna start soon. And if I get caught up in GCSE mayhem, then it will abruptly stop, but I plan on passing, and you know how it is, you actually have to do revision to pass. Next chapter up soon, or in other words, when my dad next has a dinner party, so I can nick his laptop.
"And we're here, for *what* exactly?" Alex asked sarcastically, as they sat outside the mines of Moria, while Gandalf attempted to open the doors now using a series of spritish swearwords, having run out of suitable phrases about an hour ago. Gimli meanwhile, was, ehem, *entertaining* the rest of the Fellowship with tales of him and his relatives that all seemed to end in ' and we crushed their skulls with the flat of me axe'. To someone used to the great variety of American television, it wasn't exactly gripping.
"Oh, I forgot. To listen to some senile old guy who's lost his keys swear at the door. And some rambling twit who.."
"Alex.." warned Aragorn, as Gimli, his face thunderous, started grunting, and hefting his axe up and down.
"Oh grow *up*. Stop playing with your stick, and run along, " Alex said bored, to Gimli, who turned red at the innuendo, then sat down.
"Has anyone *else* got anything remotely interesting to do while we wait for the village idiot who's claim to fame involves the longest beard contest solve a riddle?" Alex went on, and when Frodo's face brightened, and he opened his mouth, hastily went on, " That *doesn't* involve your big book of boredom and torture otherwise known as," she affected a falsetto, and opened her eyes to their widest, "my unkie bilbie's book of tales that we can all fall asleep to." Frodo gave her a hurt look.
"Can it, short stuff," Alex said moodily, and fell silent. Sam tentatively raised a hand.
"What?" Alex snapped.
"Well, we hobbits could.. sing," he volunteered.
"The last time you tried that. I don't want to think about the last time you tried that, " she said, wincing, " and I believe your repertoire is Disney, Westlife, and Elton John's greatest flops, so no thank you with a side order of shudder."
Again silence. Eerily silent. No animals. Frodo looked uncomfortable.
"Oh, what is it?" Alex moaned. " Either you need to wet yourself, or that bloody thing's talking to you again. Stop listening, and go to the toilet. You're giving me piles watching you."
Frodo suddenly smiled.
"What? Thinking of Legolas in his underwear again?" Alex asked, then regretting it. Blondie and underwear in the same sentence was still not possible after the intensely embarrassing thing with fruit that had put her off berries for life.
"No, Mistress Alex," he replied. She had never been able to stop him doing the mistress thing. "I was thinking, you're not from this world, why would the Ring affect you? Take it, and I'll have some peace."
"Yeah, no one would dare to take anything off her," Pippin chimed in. Alex gave him a glare that would turn milk sour. He gulped, and fell silent, Merry smiling.
"Don't," she took a deep breath, having a serious conversation with *It* was difficult, particularly since it was only waist height, "Don't offer me *that*. It's dangerous. Yes it bloody well would affect me and not in a hearts and puppy dogs way. You think Boromir's gonna be bad, I'll be worse." He looked puzzled.
"Oh damn, mucked up the plot line once again. Oh well, never mind. Just understand this. Me with PMS is bad, me with a ring is me with PMS with refined sugar, mega bad." Four little hobbits nodded their heads.
An hour passed, with Gimli trying to hack through the doors, despite him being the one telling them that nothing could get through, while the doors smugly glinted 'nahnahnahnehnah' in the moonlight. Also, Alex suggested the hobbits singing them through, with the idea that nothing could not be penetrated by 'the God awful noise they make'. It didn't work, but all of them, (sans hobbits) were a little fed up of Candle in the Wind by the timer the singathon ended.
Gandalf in the mean time, had a smoke, and a think, and then a moan about wizarding, while Alex tried out every piece of English that Gandalf hadn't already used on the doors. Needless to say, it hadn't worked.
So they were sitting around, and someone had the bright idea of throwing stones in the lake, while Gandalf shook his staff at the door, and expressed all the pent up rage of being old, stupid, and a silly character no one really cares about since Legolas came onto the scene, except for that little bit where he dies, and oh, aren't we all sad for five whole seconds then Legolas appears ad it's happy happy happy! Or something like that.
Then someone, in the heat of the several moments it was forgotten who, started throwing stones in the lake, around about the time Gandalf bought a clue, and realised he was a suspicious old git.
What with the screaming, and Legolas's little display of manly heroics, otherwise known as 'his disgusting attempt to shoot straight at Frodo, and put the world out of it's pain, but missed', Alex's picking up Frodo, and trying to toss him in the lake while saying, "Here fishie, fishie, fishie!" got a little scrambled in the mad dash for a place where wild fish beastie things didn't try to eat the Ring bearer.
Once inside the Mines of Moria, Gimli at once started to drone about his family, and the huge reception they would have as soon as somebody met them. This, which was intensely boring, soon stopped when he saw his relatives. In skeletal form.
And then Pip's ever so lucky 'let's toss a dead guy into a well, and make a huge song and dance about it' started world war three.
As Gandalf growled, 'Fool of a Took! Next time throw yourself in, and save us the bother," Alex was rather nervous.
"Um, Aragorn? The last time I heard that kind of noise was when the Native Americans took music class. And somehow, I don't think that's a Sun dance," Alex gulped, as the others noticed what was drumming through the walls.
"They're upon us!" one yelled, as the Fellowship attempted to kill the rampage of big bad ugly things, that were trying to kill them first. Alex didn't even come out with sarcastic retorts when Legolas shot a big bad ugly that was attempting to eat her.
When the Fellowship ran, like hell, and came to the bridge of doom, as Alex named it, and played 'let's cross something while Gandalf tries to play the hero."
As Gandalf slipped, the rest gazed at him in horror.
"Run you fools," he whispered, and then dropped like a stone.
"Gandalf!" Frodo cried, as they ran to safety.
Outside, in the light that seemed bright to those that had fled the tomb of Moria, the hobbits cried inconsolably, Frodo hardest of all. As Aragorn tried his manly 'let's confort each other, without talking," while Legolas appeared not to notice anything was wrong, Alex calmly removed Sam's saucepan from his pack.
A few minutes later, when the Fellowship noticed the scent of sausages, they looked up in amazement.
"What?" said Alex, munching on a sausage.
A/N: So, did it stink? I haven't written this in a while, and this was one of my worst chapters to date, and I should stop making excuses. Next chapter's the last in this series, but.. a big But, the next series of Alex's amazing adventures is gonna start soon. And if I get caught up in GCSE mayhem, then it will abruptly stop, but I plan on passing, and you know how it is, you actually have to do revision to pass. Next chapter up soon, or in other words, when my dad next has a dinner party, so I can nick his laptop.