Week 3

Day 1

       I got that damn urge again. So I called him. Why did I??? Because I'm the dumbest person on the globe, that's why! I'm going to tell you what happened so you'll know why I'm all down in the dumps. When I dialed his number, guess who answered? James. He told me he was watching Shallow Hal and he told me he would call me when he was done watching it. So, I waited, and waited, and at midnight, he called me.  We started talking about movies, then about him going to live in Japan in two years, and then he started telling me about all the illegal things he used to do for money (drugs, types of sex, stealing porn, stealing money, etc.). When he told me about the drug thing, about smoking pot once, I asked him if he'd ever do that again, he said sure and he told me all about it. He also told me about the time he did it here with his friends. I really didn't like that but that wasn't the worse part. Then I don't know how we got to the subject came up but I asked him if he still liked Ruth, the conversation went something like this:

Me: "So do you still like Ruth?"

James: "Why are you asking?"

Me: "I'm just curious."

James: "I'm reading this book that says people don't ask questions like that for any particular reason."

Me: "I'm just very curious; I always want to know who everyone likes."

James: "My book says that when someone asks a question like that it is because it has to do something with their own feelings…"

Me: "Just tell me already!"

James: "Promise not to get mad?"

Me: "Come on, just tell me."

James: "Well the thing is, I was starting to like you, but the conversation last Saturday changed my mind."

Me: "I know…" (Of course I just said that so I wouldn't be left in ridicule.)

James: "When you told me that you sometimes liked me and sometimes you liked another guy, I said fuck it, if she won't make up her mind, what's the use? I took a risk and you blew it."

Me (sobbing): "You don't know how hurt I've gotten in the past, which was the only way of protecting me!"

       I don't remember what he said afterwards but I just told him I'd talk to him in school. When I hung up, I wanted to cry my heart out but I didn't want to upset my mom. But I just couldn't sleep, so I'm lying on my bed trying to fall asleep.

Day 2

       I woke up at 3 in the afternoon, still totally depressed. I don't want to do anything.

Day 3

       Thank god I didn't see him today.

Day 4

       Today I saw him but I completely ignored him. He was like what the fuck? When I didn't say hi.

Day 5

       Today he went on the bus. He had taken my seat and I just shoved his stuff off the seat and sat there. I don't remember why, but James told Bob I am stubborn. I really didn't care. Then, I decided to get some Smints from my backpack, when I did, everyone asked me for one and I gave everyone one except James. I told him to roll his book up and stick it up his ass. He was shocked, he asked me why I was mad and I told him to go fuck himself. Well, we kept on fighting and when the kid that was sitting in the seat across from me left, he sat there. He was all like, "You know you want to talk to me" and I told him to fuck off but my voice was all shaky, so he shut up. When I was getting off, he said, "Goodbye Jackie" and I gave him the finger. I hoped he would call me afterwards, but he didn't.

Day 6

       I saw him this morning when I went to leave a book in the bookroom. When I passed by he called out my name and when I turned around he was all like "I didn't call you" and I told him that I wasn't talking to him and left.

Day 7

       Today he went on the bus, this time we had a small fight and the rest of the trip, and I listened to music and re-read this journal. I can't believe how childish I was!! I already fucked everything up.

Later

       OMG!! I just got back from dinner and guess who had called twice?? JAMES!!! Yey!! I might be able to fix everything after all!! I'm going to call him right now and I'll tell you what happens tomorrow.