Music to my Soul

Chapter IX

Paul stopped his car about fifty feet from the house of his destination. It was a rich neighbourhood, filled with large and expensive looking habitations. However, Paul didn't pay much attention to those. His focus immediately went to the wealth of activities taking place in front of one particular house. At least three police cars were parked in the middle of the road, along with a horse drawn hearse. Paul spotted his photographer just as a stretcher was rolled out of the house. Only then did Paul make the connection with a shiver. He recognized this place because Cole indicated it to him as they were driving by, the day he bought his new car… Paul also remembered the note of the morning and now he wondered about Rita and his friend.

He was tempted to approach the stretcher first, on which even from a distance he could see a body with the sheet drawn all the way over the head. Then, he figured he might as well try to talk to the police first. Gingerly, as he was uncomfortable with this event, he went toward the nearest officer but stopped short at seeing Cole sitting on the lawn, his head buried in his hands. Paul felt relief mixing with some puzzlement at his friend's presence. The confusion got even deeper when more police officers came out of the house dragging a handcuffed Rita. The mature woman seemed transfixed for a moment, but when she spotted Cole in turn, she became hysterical.
"Cole… I did it for you… You've gotta believe me. We can be together now!"

The officers had to tighten their hold on Rita as they pulled her towards one of the cars. She repeatedly tried to turn toward Cole and get his attention but this one didn't react at all. Paul watched the car leaving and then he walked toward Cole uncertainly. As if sensing his approach, Cole looked up and Paul saw something he never thought reflected in his friend's eyes again. There was infinite pain in his expression.
"Cole," Paul questioned softly.

"Don't start with the "I told you so" Paul," Cole replied brusquely, looking away.

Paul sighed heavily, knowing this wouldn't be easy. After a few seconds of silence, he went to sit by Cole on the lawn. The ground was cold and uncomfortable, but Cole didn't seem to care one way or the other.
"What happened," Paul finally questioned.

"Fate just came to bite me in the ass is what happened."

Paul grimaced unhappily but he insisted calmly.
"More to the point…?"

"Rita shot her husband…when I got here he was already dead, bleeding like a pig on their living room rug." Cole's voice was low and pained, although a hint of self-mockery pierced through his next words. "I guess I should've known it could happen…you heard what she said?" Cole added, turning toward Paul with the same haunted expression.

"Cole, I…"

"There's no excuse." Cole interrupted. "I know I said no "I told you so" but that's because I don't need to hear it from you. I've been telling it to myself for the last thirty minutes."

"Cole," Paul started more firmly. "It's not your fault if the woman was that disturbed. Granted, you didn't help, but I imagine she and her husband must've had problems before. Just the fact she slept around was a big hint. You know it could have been you on that stretcher…"

Cole didn't answer while he avoided looking at his friend and Paul got the distinct impression that he was pondering whether it would have been better that way.
"Look, I got to have a talk with the man in charge for my paper, but I want you to wait for me. I'll buy you a drink afterward…"

Cole nodded weakly without looking up and Paul reluctantly left his side. Throughout his conversation with an officer who was more amenable than the others, Paul kept watch of his friend, fearing that he might leave in this state of mind. All the while, Paul also wondered about this overreaction. What just happened was dramatic yes, but Cole wasn't one to become this upset, not even for something like that. Yet right then he seemed devastated and in truth, Paul was even surprised that he didn't try to leave in spite of Paul's request. What was the matter with his friend? Where was the calculating man he had gotten used to after all these years? As Paul was thanking the officer and preparing to return to his friend, a memory flashed in his mind. It was probably the last time he had seen Cole emotional about anything.

**

The surgeon had just left after confirming to both of them that the surgery was successful. Paul remembered how detached Cole had been while looking at his own hands.
"Hey, isn't it great?" Paul asked.

"Yeah," Cole had said, obviously unconvinced.

"Don't you see what this means," Paul questioned further, puzzled as he was by his friend's lack of enthusiasm.

"I don't know," Cole answered flatly, surprising Paul even more.

This one stayed silent for a long moment, wondering what was the matter with his friend. Then, he thought that maybe now was the time for a little confession. His part in Cole's drama weighed heavily on his conscience, but Paul had not been able to tell Cole about it until then.
"Cole…there's something I need to tell you…"

"What?"

"Remember when…well when the accident happened."

Cole flashed an angry stare at his friend, telling Paul that he still wasn't over what happened.
"Well…" Paul continued hesitantly, "I wrote a letter…a letter to the girl…"

"You what???" Cole uttered in astonishment.

"I never meant for her to read it or do anything to hurt you…Someone found it and apparently they gave it to her …and then…"

"Then what," Cole asked curtly.

"Then, the other boys sent you the note you got…it was my fault… I know that now."

Cole had stood up at this point, staring at his friend with more hurt than Paul ever remembered seeing in him and then he stomped out of the hospital tent.

For the next few days, every time Paul tried to talk to his friend, Cole turned away from him and Paul feared he might have lost his friend for good. Then, on one evening where Cole was drinking with a few buddies in the mess hall, Paul went decisively toward him, determined as he was to try one last time to get through to Cole. When he got close, Cole looked up and surprised Paul by giving him an awkward smile and inviting him to the table. Paul had been preparing a speech and now he didn't know what to say as he sat with Cole and the other guys. These seemed to sense something because they soon got up claiming to have some tasks to finish, and they left Cole and Paul alone.
"Ssssssssso…" Paul trailed, unsure as Cole didn't say a word.

Cole turned to him with the same awkward smile.
"I overreacted, didn't I?"

"I wouldn't say that," Paul answered calmly. "I'd have been pissed myself if the situation was reversed…"

"You didn't do this, Paul. She did."

Another long silence prolonged between them. Paul watched the other people distractedly, unable to chase away the feeling that he was still partly responsible.
"That was stupid on my part and I should've told you I did it…I just never imagined…"

"I told you, Paul. It wasn't your fault."

"But now, you can play again," Paul added with a little more enthusiasm.

"I'll never play again…"

How many times did Cole repeat this to him? As Paul approached his friend, he knew he couldn't count them. It was all part of the same thing; Cole's hatred of women, his need to belittle them and the coldness of his actions. It all started that night when his entire life changed because of that girl, and that was never clearer than in the mess hall when Paul saw Cole's almost lifeless eyes as he told him he'd never play again. Paul knew then how truly hurt his friend had been but he had yet to find a way to help him through this.
"Cole," he called to him.

Cole didn't acknowledge him right away. Instead he looked back toward the house where the awful drama had taken place.
"Cole, we've gotta go. The officer told me you've answered all their questions?"

"Yeah," Cole trailed as he slowly got up.

"I'll give you a ride…"

The simple fact that Cole went to Paul's car without protesting was another sign that he was struck deeply. Paul followed him while still worrying. Since he had not gotten through to him about the piano, could he help Cole with this new catastrophe, he wondered as he started the car…

Phoebe was preparing to go to rehearsal but her heart wasn't in it. However, she still welcomed the chance to get out of the house and be distracted from the confusing thoughts that haunted her. Ever since Cole left, she either tried to figure him out or went back to wondering about Martin and Fredo. Neither subject was any better for her tranquility. Earlier, when Fredo learned that Cole had left abruptly, he almost threw a fit and Phoebe actually found it scary this time. She avoided him afterward since she couldn't help imagining what he might do when really angry, and the sight of him only intensified those fears. This is why she tried to sneak out on her own, knowing full well that Fredo wouldn't want to let her go without a driver. She was afraid of confronting him but still wanted out of there. Her luck ran out as she was about to open the front door.
"Where are you going?" Fredo called curtly, startling Phoebe.

Phoebe felt a chill and she hesitated slightly before turning toward the man she had considered her protector until recently.
"I'm going to rehearsal, Fredo. You know that."

"You can't go anywhere by yourself. I thought I made this clear this morning."

Phoebe's first movement was to protest vehemently, but once again the hint of fear, which was growing in her, kept her from it. Instead, she tried to appeal to him.
"Look, it's my big night in two days. I've got to be ready and I can't be without some practice on stage."

"I still can't let you go alone," Fredo repeated stubbornly, while taking a few steps toward her.

Phoebe had to work on herself not to step back. What a change it was from the confident attitude she had in the morning. Until then, she would never have imagined that Fredo could be a danger to her. Now she wasn't certain of anything anymore. Fredo seemed to sense her discomfort because he gave her a paternal smile before addressing her in a more amenable voice.
"I tried to get Turner back here, but he doesn't answer the phone. I can't let you go unless there's someone who can make sure you're safe. Why don't you let Robbie accompany you there instead? I can spare him for tonight. Saul's gonna stick around."

Suddenly, the idea of being stuck with Robbie all night didn't have any appeal for Phoebe. In fact, it made her thoroughly uncomfortable.
"There will be many people there, Fredo. I won't be alone. Besides," she added in a lower voice, "are you sure about Saul?"

"Lara, again I gotta warn you not to interfere in my affairs," Fredo retorted while his expression darkened. "Robbie will go with you or you will stay here. I don't want anymore discussion."

His intonation, even more than the words, told Phoebe it would be a bad idea to protest further. She simply nodded in acquiescence and Fredo turned around to go fetch Robbie. A minute later, the young gangster was eagerly joining her by the door. However just before they went out, Fredo called to Robbie. Fredo waited until he was certain only Robbie could hear what he had to say.
"You watch her as if your life depended on it, Robbie. And don't let her out of your sight. Lara is too free spirited for her own good. And Robbie," Fredo added as the young man was again turning toward the door, "Bring her back to me." The last word was pronounced in such a manner that Robbie understood it was meant as a warning. Nevertheless, he still believed that he could fool Fredo and get to screw the pretty singer. After all, she had given him all the signals. Robbie only nodded and hurried back to Phoebe, already imagining himself undressing her.

Cole and Paul had been sitting in their favourite Speakeasy for at least two hours and Paul felt that he had not made a dent in Cole's gloomy mood. This one was nursing a drink, not really interested in anything his friend had to say. For the last thirty minutes, they had fallen silent, vaguely watching the growing crowd in this early evening, while each lost in their thoughts.

Cole couldn't help seeing the atrocious scene he had witnessed over and over in his mind's eye. It wasn't so much the death that had struck him so hard but the crazy look on Rita's face when he entered the house. She was sitting on the love seat where they had shared a few passionate moments in the past, only staring ahead while her husband bled to death at her feet. When she had noticed Cole, she'd smiled alluringly, as if nothing had happened. Then, as he tried to shake her out of it, she started on this crazy notion that she'd done it for him. It didn't matter that it was insane on her part. Long after he'd called the police and left Rita in their custody, Cole still couldn't get this out of his mind. He knew that Paul was trying to make him feel better about it, but in truth, he didn't want to feel better.

If he had done this sort of thing only once, maybe it wouldn't be so terrible, but he knew now how much hurt he had spread during the last few years. Cole had seen it clearly in Rita's crazed eyes. What's more, for the first time, he questioned everything he had held true for almost twelve years. The worse part, he reflected, was that, if he had been wrong all this time, no amount of remorse or even amends could repair the damage he had done. Looking back at his long time friend, Cole realized that even now he was being selfish. How could he have come this far?
"You should go home, Paul," Cole suddenly uttered, startling his friend.

"I can't leave you alone now, Cole," Paul answered quickly. He feared what his friend might do in this state of obvious depression. Actually, Paul wished he knew what was truly on Cole's mind, right then.

Cole chuckled unhappily before he answered.
"If you're afraid I'm gonna kill myself, don't worry. I'm not that crazy…"

"Wow, you're a laugh a minute Cole Turner," Paul replied without a smile as he was truly not amused. "What's the matter with you?" He questioned next.

"You mean the fact I got a man killed is not enough," Cole replied impatiently.

"I mean you killed men yourself before, Cole. I'm not saying you enjoyed it, but you were never that broken up over it."

"I did care," Cole answered, somewhat appalled… Then he seemed to deflate, as if he couldn't bring himself to give any more excuses for his behaviour… "Sorry," he trailed while again avoiding Paul's eyes.

Paul watched him with a mix of astonishment and compassion for a while, as he was unsure what to say now. Cole seemed so changed. Then, he realized what this attitude reminded him of. It was like they had turned back time. However, when Cole was the young man filled with hope Paul used to know, he wasn't that easily defeated.
"Feeling's a bitch isn't it," Paul finally said.

Cole shrugged without answering, which only deepened Paul's discomfort. Two girls walked by the table at this point, giggling in an obvious attempt to get their attention. Paul was a married man but he did remember the game very well. Cole and he had played this one quite a few times. Cole indeed looked up and gave a quick glance to the girls without a smile, and then he went back to his gloomy contemplation. That is when Paul made the connection.
"It's that girl isn't it?"

This got a reaction from Cole.
"What are you talking about," he protested with more animation than he had all night.

"Oh yes that's it… you really know how to pick them…what happened?"

"Nothing happened. Lara has nothing to do with this…"

"Lara hey?" Paul couldn't help a little smile after hearing his friend's intonation. "You've fallen for her haven't you?"

"Paul, you stop that right now…Why don't you go back to your wife. I've kept you from her long enough…"

"Ok now I know there's something there. Since when do you care about my marriage?"

"I care that you're happy. I always did, you know that…"

"Maybe so, but you never, ever cared about me being happy with Lydia…or more to the point, you never cared about her feelings."

"Well, I do now," Cole answered curtly, "you should be happy about that."

"Don't get me wrong. I am! I just wish I knew if this Lara had something to do with it…"

Cole sighed uncertainly. Until now, he had tried to avoid thinking about Lara. It only added to the pain and the confusion. What if he was falling for her? How fitting indeed, he reflected that he would fall for a woman who was certainly never gonna return his love…

This time however, Cole knew he couldn't even reproach it to her. In a way it would be the proper punishment for what he'd done. The one woman he could love was also the one who wouldn't hesitate to break his heart at the drop of a hat. How ironic, he added bitterly for himself.
"Look I don't know," Cole admitted in a low voice. "I don't know anything anymore Paul. For the last two days I've been having doubts about everything…today…" Cole hesitated, unsure if he should tell Paul. He still had trouble believing it actually happened.

"What?" Paul questioned with a hint of anxiety. His friend's voice was filled with pain. This wasn't how he envisioned Cole finding his heart again.

"I played today…" Cole simply said while observing Paul's reaction.

"You, you… what? You played? You what?" Paul babbled incredulously.

"Yeah, I know… it seems impossible, doesn't it?"

"No! It's great!" Paul said with the beginning of a smile. For a moment there, he forgot about the drama that had taken place earlier, only amazed at this news.
"I mean, Cole…you played!"

"Only a little tune my mother taught me…I don't even know how it happened…"

"You remember your mother?"

"Yeah," Cole trailed again. "I know I never told you that. In fact, until this afternoon, it was never so clear…"
As he was saying this, he could see his mother again, so weak, as she lied on the sofa by his side. He also remembered the terrible pain it had been to lose her. Maybe it was when this pattern of denial started. His first year in the orphanage had been hell. Afterward, her memory had become a blur, with only the piano for a reminder. And even that, Cole knew, was mostly a subconscious way to keep her alive for him. Then when he heard the girl singing from across the street, the little boy's feelings that had always accompanied his playing changed into something much more adult. And then, she had betrayed him… Was that really what was happening? Was he falling for Lara, and was that what brought back to the surface all those feelings he had buried under the hatred and denial all those years? Yet, Cole also wondered what he knew of love. Friendship he understood. Paul had been a great teacher of that. However, what he felt for Lara was not the reassuring feeling of friendship. It was an aching, a longing for her, and he couldn't tell if it was love or simply an intense desire.
"I don't know what's the matter with me, Paul. I really don't know…"

"I'm afraid I do…I just wish you hadn't fallen for that girl…she could be a murderer, Cole."

"No!" Cole protested vehemently. "I won't believe that."

"How can you be so sure? All the signs tell…"

"No Paul…you didn't see how scared she looked," Cole pursued intensely.

"What happened? You've learned something?"

"Well…" Cole started hesitantly. "I'm now convinced that she knows about the driver's death, yes… but I don't believe she had anything to do with it…"

"Maybe what you're feeling now is blinding you, Cole."

"I'm not stupid, Paul," Cole almost shouted.

"Hey I didn't mean it like that, Cole. I just know how easy it is to ignore the bad about someone you love… I've been doing that for twelve years, turning a blind eye to your dark side…" When he saw Cole about to protest, Paul pursued quickly. "Don't get me wrong, I think you're the best friend I ever had. However, you've got to admit that it wasn't always a picnic…"

Cole preferred not to answer that. He was now realizing this very clearly and that didn't help his mood in the least.
"I don't know what to do Paul…All I know is that I wanna protect her…"

"Cole! It's all in your honor that you'd wanna do that, but what if she's in cohort with Fredo? What if she understands why you're there and denounces you to him? What happened to the driver might very well happen to you or worse…"

"Be that as it may, Paul, I still can't turn my back on her…I just can't…"

"You might have to, Cole. Look, I know how difficult that can be, but unless you're absolutely sure about her, I don't think you should risk your life for her. Please, at least think about it some more…"

"Alright," Cole answered grudgingly, again surprising Paul. "I'll think about it, but I can do that on my own… I'll take a cab; just go home…"

"You're sure," Paul questioned with a frown. "I don't mind staying. In fact, I'd prefer to…"

"No…it's ok Paul. I need some time alone…and I promise I won't do anything rash if that's what you're afraid of. But I can't promise you I won't go back to Fredo's. Even if it wasn't just for Lara, there would still be the matter of my promise to Leo. I haven't gotten the goods for him yet…"

"But…" Paul started to protest.

"I'll be careful, I promise," Cole interrupted. "If I go back, I won't tell Lara anything that could endanger me…is that enough for you?"

"It's not, but I guess it'll have to do. However, now I'm seriously curious about this girl."

"Wait a minute," Cole said with more animation. "What are you thinking about?"

"Well," Paul began casually with a smile, "I promised Lydia I'd take her out and a night at the Pharaoh Club seems appropriate. If I'm not mistaken, your Lara's show opens this Saturday…"

"No Paul. I don't want you anywhere near them," Cole protested.

"Hey, it's a free country. Besides, what could happen to me in a crowded Club? I'm just gonna be one of the spectators. I wouldn't risk Lydia's safety like this…"

"I still think it's a bad idea."

"And I say I wanna see the girl who stole my friend's heart. By the way, I hope I don't have to worry about you ripping it out of your chest?"

Cole wanted to protest, but he really wasn't even certain enough of anything at this point and frankly, he didn't feel like pursuing this discussion. He still worried about Paul going anywhere near Fredo's circle, but he also knew that Paul could be just as stubborn as he was.
"Just go home," he simply said with a vague smile. "I'll try to refrain from doing that…"

"How reassuring," Paul clowned, although at this point, he wasn't certain if he should be happy about Cole's new attitude, or scared to death. Reluctantly, he went out of the Speakeasy, but all the while, he continued to worry about what would happen next.

Not long after Paul left, the gloomy thoughts returned to Cole, and he found himself staring at the glass of liquor without seeing it. That is until he heard a voice he had not expected calling to him sarcastically.
"Well, you don't take rejection too well, do you," Lara was saying.

When Cole looked up, more than a little astonished at her presence there, he saw that Lara was smiling mockingly. For a second, he became irritated, but he soon forgot about it as he looked away from her. At this point, he was only relieved that she was safe and he decided not to respond to her provocation.
"Where's your little puppy?" he still asked in an attempt at some sarcasm of his own that fell flat.

"Who're you talking about?"

"Weren't you all cozy with this Robbie guy? Or maybe Fredo's around somewhere? I wonder how you can keep up with this game you're playing…" Cole tried to sound casual, but he wondered if he wasn't too transparent none the less.

"Not that it's any of your business… but I'm on my own tonight," Lara answered as she took the seat Paul had occupied earlier without being invited. "Now are you gonna offer me a drink?"

In spite of all he knew about her, and all he didn't, Cole realized that her mere presence had lifted some of the pain from his chest. Suddenly, he didn't even care whether she saw how much he was happy to be with her. Even if he remembered Paul's warning, as he gazed back at Lara with a half-smile, he couldn't help his heart from racing.
"Alright, I give… what would be your pleasure?"

"That's more like it," she uttered softly with a smile that could have melted an iceberg.

Robbie was becoming impatient. Lara had cut the rehearsal short and he had hoped it was gonna be for his benefit. However, after she taunted him with a sweet smile and the light but burning touch of her fingers on his chest, she claimed she needed some time alone in her dressing room. That was fifteen minutes ago and now, Robbie couldn't wait any longer. He was so hard it was becoming painful and he wasn't about to let her lead him on like that. Lara had been hinting at this all day and he was ready for the screw of his life. Decidedly, he knocked on the dressing room door. After many attempts without an answer, he called loudly to Lara. When still getting no answer, Robbie became anxious at the same time as angry. Without anymore hesitation, he pushed the door open and found the room empty. His arousal was immediately replaced by a sinking feeling, which he felt through his guts.
"Fucking bitch!" He screamed, closing the door behind him and rushing out of the Club to try and find Lara before Fredo got wind of this…