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Spike grabbed Buffy by the shoulders in the alley, "Spike . . . let me go."

"No Slayer, you have to listen to me."

Buffy turned around with tears streaming down her face, "Why? I don't want to hear this. I don't want to hear the details of how you killed my predecessors. I can't hear this."

"Buffy, I know that you don't want to hear this. And I know that after this, you may hate me but it doesn't matter. I'm not the same person as I was then. I changed when I fell in love with you. I made a decision to change because I wanted to. And the reason I changed was you. I wont be selfish now. I will tell you this . . . even if you stake me afterwards."

Buffy looked at the love and sincerity in Spike's eyes. The hands that were holding her now had once killed a Slayer, more than one. But now . . . now he was willing to risk his unlife to tell her this and help her, "Tell me then. Tell me about the second one. How did you kill her?"

Spike took a deep breath, "Well it went like this . . ."

1970's New York

Spike felt his neck snap backwards with a force that would have snapped a human's neck. Spike was fighting her in a train carriage, the rocking motion was not helping his balance, but in turn it wasn't helping hers either. He braced his shoulder and punched for her face. Her head snapped backwards in turn. She kicked him but he blocked the attack and kicked her back. After a sharp snap to the head, he punched through the bar. A piece in the centre came away and he swung it.

"Now the first one was all business, the second now she had a touch of your style. She was cunning, resourceful, I could've danced all night with that one."

"You think we danced." Buffy knew the answer. Neither one of them had ever killed the other and it wasn't as though they hadn't had opportunities. All that they had ever done was dance.

As though reading her mind Spike said, "That's all we've ever done."

Buffy stood listening to Spike's voice as he reported this, there was no emotion in his voice. He picked up a stick from the floor and swung it round. Buffy felt like she was actually in the train car watching him do this. She could almost imagine the Slayer stood there fighting for her life.

Spike lunged for the Slayer but she was too quick for him. They both hit the floor and she straddled his waist holding him by the throat.

Spike swung the stick again and walked around her as though he was stalking her, "You see the thing about the dance is, you never get to stop. Everyday you wake up and it's the same bloody question that haunts you, 'is today the day I die'."

The Slayer punched him in the face.

"Death is on your heels baby and sooner or later it's going to catch you. It's up to each Slayer when. It doesn't catch you because you get weaker or because vampires get stronger, it happens because part of you wants it. Not just to stop the fear of uncertainty, but because you're just a little bit in love with it."

Buffy stood there looking at him, but she wasn't really seeing him, she was seeing the Slayer poised above Spike, ready to kill him, what had changed? What had been different enough to mean that she didn't win?

Spike had felt one last punch before hitting her knees toppling her balance and reversing their positions so that he was on top and he had his hands to her throat.

What had been different enough to mean that she didn't win?

As though he was reading her thoughts yet again, Spike answered her unanswered question, "Death is your art. You make it with your hands day after day. That final gasp, that look of peace, and part of you is desperate to know 'what is it like? Where does it lead you? You see, you must see, that's the secret, not the punches you land or the kicks you defend, she really wanted it. Every Slayer has a death wish."

Spike snapped her neck, ignoring the look of horror on her face.

"Even you. The only reason that you last and keep lasting is that you have so many ties to the world. Mum, brat kid sister, Scoobies, they all tie you here. They help to put off . . . the inevitable. Sooner or later, the second you let go of what matters to you, you'll want it, and the second, the second it happens, something'll be there, something'll slip in. Have itself a good day. You can't let that happen to you. I can see the way you're looking at me. I know what you think. But I had to tell you. I had to tell you what I've learnt. I will not stand by and watch you get careless again without knowing that I did everything I could to stop it, including risking your hatred. I love you. I love you more than I care about me, so if by you hating me, I save your life so be it."

Buffy couldn't move, she was paralysed. She couldn't accept it. He was wrong, he had to be wrong. Slayers didn't develop a death wish, please God they didn't. Buffy tried to steady her breathing as she ignored the voice in the back of her head. The one whispering, that he wasn't wrong. The one that said she had felt it herself once or twice. When Angel had died, when he had left and when Giles had betrayed her. And Spike was right; the people she loved had saved her. She needed them. Buffy looked at Spike.

Spike was expecting to feel a stake in his chest. He'd had to tell her. She had come so close to dying, he had come so close to losing her. It didn't matter if he couldn't have her in his life anymore; he'd had to save her. He'd had to try. He couldn't try to explain the repulsion he felt at the very memory of killing something so closely akin to her now. Ever since he fell in love with her he had known that he could live without killing ever again, he didn't need it. He needed to try to be worthy of her.

What Spike didn't expect was to feel Buffy's arms slip around his neck. She was crying as she clung to him. He wrapped his arms around her tiny waist as she sank to the floor. She just sobbed and he held her, telling her how much he loved her as he kissed her neck.

Buffy held her finger to her lips as Spike crept over the doorstep. "I have to go and say good night to Mom and then I'll be in okay. I make sure I make it clear that I'm tired and going to sleep."

Spike slipped into her room like a blonde shadow. And she walked noisily into her mom's room to find her packing a suitcase, "Hey, I put together that grocery list for you."

Joyce looked up and smiled, "Thanks hon."

Buffy frowned slightly, "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Have you seen my conditioner?"

"Did you look under the sink?" Joyce smiled and slipped out of the room. Something in her mother's voice was making Buffy uncomfortable, "Are you going somewhere?"

Joyce looked at her daughter, and Buffy read the signs of her mom trying to keep her expression cheerful, "I was hoping to put this off. You know the 'nothing' I've been dealing with for the past couple of weeks? It might not be 'nothing'."

Buffy felt her heart drop to her stomach, "What's wrong."

"I'm staying over night at the hospital for observation. I'm getting a CAT scan." Joyce took in the worry on her daughter's face, "I'm gonna be fine and the doctors say that even if there is something, it's still very early if they didn't see it before. I'm gonna be fine."

Buffy felt her eyes fill with tears, "I know you will."

Buffy slipped next door into her sister's room. She could tell by the expression on her Dawn's face that she already knew, "Mom wants us to stay here while she goes for her scan. What do you think?"

Dawn smiled ever so slightly, "What do you think?"

Buffy smiled back a little, "Be ready in ten minutes. She can't fight both of us."

Buffy slipped through her door into the bedroom, "Spike?"

Spike seemed to melt out of the shadows at the back of the room, "I'm here pet." Buffy started to speak but he cut her off, "Vampire love, I heard it all."

He moved forward and held her for the second time that night as she cried, this time, Spike was sure that her heart was breaking. "I'm coming with you pet."

Buffy looked up at him, "You will?"

Spike smiled at her, "Of course. Better not come straight away though."

Buffy gripped his shirt, "No . . . I need you to come with me."

Spike stroked her hair, "I'll be at the hospital by the same time you are, but I think it's better if we don't have to explain what I'm doing at your house at this time of night."

Buffy smiled, "Perhaps not. Meet us there?"

Spike smiled back, "I'll be there."

All though she was reluctant to leave, his arms Buffy grabbed some money and headed for the door.