Music to my Soul
Chapter X
Putting his fears behind him, he started the car and headed away from Fredo Turello's house
The last hour had seemed to fly by for Cole. They had only been talking about meaningless stuff, but it felt good none the less. Even the silences were in no way uncomfortable. Indeed, Lara didn't seem in any hurry to leave either, and Cole found himself grateful for just her presence. That is until he began wondering about Fredo. Lara seemed somewhat lost in thought when he called to her.
"Lara?"
"Yes…" she answered, as she turned to him with that soft smile she had given him a few times in the last hour. For a few seconds, Cole almost forgot all about his worries, enjoying the warm feeling that came to him at the sight.
"You were saying," Lara insisted.
"I'm wondering… Won't Fredo worry about you being alone for so long?"
"I'm not alone…after all he wanted you to drive me. Technically… I'm respecting his conditions…"
"Technically as in… he doesn't know about it," Cole added pointedly.
"What's the problem," Phoebe questioned, while her expression darkened.
Suddenly, Cole felt as if the room had cooled off. All the bad feelings of earlier threatened to return and he realized that it was only because he feared he had displeased her. That was rather unbelievable, but he couldn't help wanting to see that smile again. However, Cole couldn't dismiss his worries so easily. Cole was convinced that the old man wouldn't hurt Lara as long as he believed she belonged to him. On the other hand, if she tried to leave or provoked him, Lara could be in danger and Cole certainly didn't want to be the cause of it. Even if the idea of her going back there troubled him, Cole didn't think she could just decide to leave Fredo like that; if her wanting to leave him was even in the realm of possibilities, he admitted to himself grudgingly. On the other hand, if he could get something on the old man, then Lara would be safe from him and maybe…Cole realized he had to stop thinking this way. It was only hurtful and maybe, this need he felt was simply a reaction to his remorse. It still didn't change the fact that he wanted to make sure Lara was safe, no matter the outcome. Even as he pursued her, Cole knew he'd already made the decision whether to continue this mission or not.
"I'm not sure if there's a problem, but this morning he seemed awfully worried. I…well… we both know that Fredo is not exactly a philanthropist…but he seems to care about you a lot…"
"Are you worried about me or yourself?" The annoyance in her voice was palpable.
Cole felt her slipping away by the moment.
"Look, I'm just thinking that he might have a point… what with those people shooting at him and all. If you expose yourself, they could come after you because of him…"
"I won't be locked up," Lara uttered stubbornly.
Cole thought he detected a change in her attitude. This time however, underneath an air of determination, Cole could sense some panic in her. That didn't reassure him.
"I'm sure he doesn't mean to imprison you…"
"No one can keep me from doing what I want," Lara pursued angrily.
Cole was startled by her strong reaction.
"Did anyone do that to you before?"
Phoebe watched him in silence, wondering if she hadn't showed too much of her fears. It was so strange, she reflected, as she also pondered her answer. For the last hour, and in spite of her earlier misgivings about Cole, she had felt safe and relaxed; not worried at all. It was unexpected, given how tense their previous encounters had been. The good feeling was even stranger when she thought back on the strange thing that occurred just before she entered the Speakeasy… Then, for a heartbeat, she was convinced that she saw a much hated face in a car driving away. It had shaken her more than she'd cared to admit, even as she dismissed it as pure coincidence. Maybe, she thought, her need for reassurance was what sent her to Cole in the first place. Earlier, when she had spotted him in the Speakeasy, Phoebe had been tempted to turn around. However, seeing him looking forlornly at his drink, she had wondered if she was the cause of his bad mood. In a way, the idea was flattering and indeed a form of reassurance, prompting her to go to him. By now, Phoebe had figured there was more to it… Nevertheless, she had felt good in his company and avoided any unsafe subject. Now she began questioning his earlier attitude, mostly because she didn't want to be put in the spotlight. Moreover, if until now she didn't feel the need to probe, just then, she found it was safer to ask him about his problem rather than exposing her own feelings any further.
"What about you?"
"What?" Cole uttered in surprise. He had not really expected her to answer his question directly as she had been avoiding anything personal until now, but he had still hoped that she might open up. However, Cole wasn't prepared to be questioned himself.
"I mean earlier you really didn't seem too happy…"
"Nothing to worry yourself about…"
"It's just…" Phoebe hesitated, suddenly unsure if she wanted to go down that road. None the less, she was somewhat curious at how quickly he shed his arrogant attitude.
"Well, you didn't seem like yourself…"
Now it was Cole's turn to get upset.
"What would you know about me? You've only known me for two days and we didn't exactly get along..."
"What do you make of the last hour?" Phoebe asked, obviously hurt. Phoebe couldn't believe it but his rebuff had actually hurt her. How could she have allowed a man to have any sort of power over her? Yet the disappointment still remained, no matter how hard she tried to rationalize it.
Cole was immediately remorseful for his outburst. That wasn't what he had intended but he realized that old habits die hard. Uncertainly, he tried to make up for it.
"Look," he began hesitantly, "I rather enjoyed the time we spent together. And in truth, I wasn't in any hurry to cut it short. But I still think it'd be safer for you to go home…"
"And I told you…"
"Please," Cole interrupted. "It'd pain me if something bad happened to you…"
Phoebe almost protested again, as she was now determined not to let him see the effect he had on her. His obvious caring only intensified her reluctance. What game was he playing, she couldn't help wondering painfully. However, even as she opened her mouth to reiterate her protestation, she looked up and caught sight of Robbie near the entrance. Phoebe quickly decided that she had no intentions of being stuck with that gangster. If he saw her there, she might have to fight off the horny young man. Phoebe wasn't in the mood for that at all.
"Can you drive me," she suddenly asked Cole, as she made sure to stay out of Robbie's sight.
"Huh, I would…but I don't have my car…How did you get here?"
"Cab," Phoebe answered somewhat distractedly. Then she pursued quickly, "Where did you leave it," All the while, she was concentrating on hiding from Robbie.
Cole noticed her sudden nervousness, but he put it on her displeasure of earlier and was only unhappy that he caused it.
"It's not all that far if you don't mind taking a little stroll?"
"Let's go," Phoebe uttered curtly just after she saw Robbie heading toward the back of the room.
Cole wondered not only about his idea of walking to his car rather than simply calling a cab, but even more so the fact that she didn't protest. He admitted to himself that he simply wanted to prolong this time with her and maybe bring back her good dispositions toward him and her eagerness to go with him pleased him at first. After a few hundred paces, he began to wonder anew, as he noticed Phoebe looking behind her regularly.
"Is there something the matter," Cole questioned, breaking the silence they had maintained since they left the Speakeasy.
Phoebe looked up a little too quickly, flashing an uneasy smile at him, and Cole knew she was about to fib.
"Nothing at all… Let's get there, shall we?"
Cole glanced behind them as well before offering his arm to her. No one seemed to be after them, but it was obvious that Lara was very tense. However, since she chose not to talk about it and considering her earlier outburst, Cole figured he'd know soon enough if there was something wrong. He didn't feel like upsetting her more…
By the time they reached Rita's neighbourhood, Phoebe was considerably calmer, but Cole began to tense himself. He almost managed to reach the car without a look at the house, but as he opened the passenger door for Phoebe, he couldn't help staring. The pain and remorse rushed back inside of him and he felt a sudden urge to run.
Maybe it was the expression on his face, or the fact that for a long moment, he had been holding the car door open and staying very still, but Phoebe noticed that something was up and her sudden comment startled Cole.
"Hey what's wrong? See a ghost?"
Rather than answering Phoebe, he closed the door abruptly on her and went around the car quickly, again avoiding looking at Rita's house, but to no avail. Cole understood that this ghost, as Phoebe put it, would pursue him no matter how far from this place he went. Broodingly, he climbed into the car and they left without him uttering a word. After a moment, Phoebe found this not only offensive, but actually painful.
"Hey," she called louder, "Is something wrong?"
"What do you care?" Cole uttered curtly, while staring at the road stubbornly. He knew he wasn't being fair, but he feared that if he started talking about it, he might get swept away by his pain.
"I don't actually," Phoebe answered irritably. "I just don't like to be ignored…"
"So is that why you came to me? Because you wanted me to notice you…?" Cole answered almost aggressively. Why was he doing this? How did they go from that pure moment of peace and back to the bickering? Yet, he couldn't help himself as he pursued. "Besides, you didn't tell me what was bothering you earlier and I didn't go all paranoid on you."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Phoebe exclaimed, even though she knew she was being unfair as well. She just couldn't stand the fact that he had read her so easily.
"Maybe not everything's about you, little spoiled brat," Cole spat in response, almost wishing he could pull his tongue out of his mouth. What bloody demon possessed him, he had no clue. But even this slight attempt at reason was shot to hell when he felt the sting of her slap on his cheek. Without even thinking, he brought the car to a stop at an odd angle and turned toward Phoebe furiously.
"How dare you?"
"How the hell dare YOU," Phoebe spat back just as angrily. "You're nobody!"
All the pain and frustration they both had to live through came back at once. The unfairness of it all seemed almost overwhelming. Each in their own way, they had believed that the other understood somehow and taken comfort in that until now. The realization of their common mistake brought all the anger and rage back. However, even as Cole thought he was gonna explode at her for all of this, as if she should be the one to pay for everything he'd suffered, he remembered with a start all the pain he had caused himself. Suddenly, all of his anger turned against him as he formed a fist and hit the side window violently. The sound of broken glass, mixing with his grunt of pain had an effect on Phoebe as well. For a moment, abject fear replaced the resentment, as she believed she was the cause of this rage. Nevertheless, Cole's next words startled her the most.
"I'm sorry," he uttered in a low voice as he looked away.
Phoebe took a few deep breaths, as she tried to find a calm place again. The anger had flown, but it still left a bitter aftertaste.
"What was that about," she asked uncertainly. When he didn't answer, she became worried again, but then she noticed his hand bleeding and hesitantly reached for it.
"You're hurt…let me have a look at it."
Cole glanced first at her in surprise and then at his hand bleeding profusely. For the first time in years, he felt the same pain and fear as when he realized he might never be able to play. That he had only played once since was immaterial. Suddenly, he was afraid he might never know if he could do it again.
"Don't worry about it," he grumbled for her, while pulling his hand away. However, there was so much pain in his voice that Phoebe feared he was hurt a lot more than he thought.
"Let me look at it," she insisted more forcefully. Phoebe didn't know why she cared so much, but she did. There was such vulnerability in him at this point; as if he was about to crumble… It awakened in her a desire to comfort him. Phoebe couldn't remember the last time she had felt like this; she only knew it felt good to care. After Cole allowed her to clean the wound with a handkerchief she found in her hand bag, she was relieved to see that the bleeding had made it looked worse than it was. She covered the superficial wound with the handkerchief afterward and only then looked up. When she met Cole's eyes, her heart jumped. In them, she saw at once surprise and softness as she had not expected. He seemed amazed at even this small gesture of compassion.
"Thank you," he whispered.
It wasn't the words that made her heart swell; it was the way he said them, while still staring at her intensely. Before she knew it, his lips were on hers, softly exploring them. There was no demand in that kiss; it was like gratitude at first. Phoebe soon felt the need for more however, as she instinctively leaned closer to him. She was rewarded by his wanting caress on her back, as she opened her lips and invited him into a deeper kiss. They soon both forgot about everything around them, including the broken glass still littering his side of the car, as the intense desire they felt overcame both of them. His touch burned her skin through the thin fabric of her dress. His hand moved toward her breast and he began stroking her almost forcefully. She could feel the intensity of his need easily since it was echoed in her as she leaned even closer, revelling in the sensations he awakened in her.
Cole obviously became impatient as he tried to pull her to him and the gears got in the way. Without hesitation this time, he grabbed her buttocks and was about to lift her over the obstacle toward him when the loud sound of a horn startled them both back to the reality of the street. Cole let go of Phoebe when the obviously impatient driver insisted noisily, but he made no move to take the wheel. He was breathing hard, as was Phoebe, while they stared at each other intently. The car went around them, apparently without them noticing it. Then, suddenly, he looked away with some reluctance.
"I'm sorry…I shouldn't have done that…"
"What," Phoebe babbled as she frowned in puzzlement. There had been no mistaking his intentions and she certainly had not showed any sign of refusing him.
"I just don't think it's right…" Cole pursued while finally grabbing the wheel and starting the car.
"Wait a minute!" Phoebe exclaimed. "You've got no right to decide what's good for me…" Her heart was still racing from their embrace and it only added to her frustration. Phoebe had little or no patience at any given moment. That also went for her restraint, which was non-existent, and particularly in such situations. As he prepared to engage on the road without answering her, her fury intensified.
"You son of a bitch! You're probably scared shitless of what Fredo's gonna do to you…"
Phoebe expected a reaction to this, but she never expected the look he gave her then.
Cole turned to her with what she thought looked like hatred. When he spoke, his voice was cold as ice, but Phoebe still felt it as if it was drilling through her.
"Is that what you did to the former driver? You got upset with him and sent your sugar daddy after him?"
"What?" Phoebe questioned with an astounded expression.
Cole watched her with a mixture of disbelief and disgust.
"You mean, after what you said, I'm supposed to believe you didn't know why your lover's dead?"
Phoebe feared that her chest would collapse; it had become so hard to breathe. She still managed painfully, "what do you know about Martin?"
"Was that his name? And don't try telling me you didn't know. I heard you talking to your friend today. To think that I believed you were innocent in this…how stupid of me!" Cole looked away angrily, cursing himself inwardly for his weakness. How could he have thought even for a second that she wasn't like all the others? However, his bitter musing was cut short by her cry of anguish.
"No…" Phoebe trailed painfully… "That can't be…"
"Stop this," Cole added, but this time with some hesitation. There was something in the way she spoke.
"I didn't know…I…" Phoebe stopped herself as she realized that deep down, she had known from the moment she saw the paper; maybe even before that. She had been in denial all day afterward, but the reality of things was hitting her hard at this moment.
"What," Cole questioned in a much softer voice.
"Oh my god," Phoebe uttered with a tremor in her voice.
Cole observed her closely and he saw her trembling. Moreover, even in the weak illumination provided by the street lights, he found that she looked pale as death. Even then, he wondered if she was reacting like this because of what happened to the man she called Martin; or if it had more to do with facing the consequences…However, as uncertain as Cole was about Phoebe's motivations, when he saw the devastation in her, his heart went to her.
"I'm sorry… I didn't mean…"
"How do you know," Phoebe interrupted.
Cole hesitated at length. He remembered his promise to Paul and, of course, the fact that a moment ago, he had firmly believed she was capable of such a horrible deed. Suddenly, he wasn't certain of anything anymore, but in doubt, he chose to play it close to the chest.
"It seemed like the logical thing…I heard you talking about your…relationship with the driver… and also read about his death…"
"I swear, I didn't mean for anything to happen to him," Phoebe said more for herself than for Cole. She was still struggling with the shock.
"What exactly did you mean?" Cole couldn't help asking.
"You can't really believe I'd have asked Fredo to kill him?" Phoebe questioned with obvious outrage.
"I don't know you…and what I've seen of you so far…"
"You've got no right to judge me like this," Phoebe exclaimed with obvious outrage. However, deep down, she was seeing herself as the monster she imagined Cole must have believed she was. How could she have not cared at all? She went on all day as if it had been some stranger who died. Not the man with whom she'd been sleeping for almost a month prior to his disappearance…death, she added for herself painfully. What's more, if the painful realization wasn't enough, now she was scared as well. The latent fear she had experienced until now was quickly growing into an all out panic. Phoebe looked down at her hands and she saw that she was trembling violently. "What have I done," she thought painfully as she wrung her hands in an attempt at controlling her trembling, but with little success. Considering the guilt she now felt, Cole's next words surprised her all the more.
"You're right…I'm the last person who should judge you." Those words had been so sad that they cut through Phoebe's own bitterness and pain.
Phoebe turned to him with a questioning stare. She had already made up her mind that Cole had a right to hate her for her actions. Now he looked even guiltier than she felt.
Sensing her intense stare, Cole shifted uncomfortably on his seat. Right then, he felt a need to confess to everything. Cole didn't know if it was to help her through her own problems, or if it was because in some small measure, he would feel better by telling her. Either way, he still told her what happened that day. As Phoebe watched him with increasing discomfort, Cole ignored it, convinced that only after he had come clean, could they actually talk freely.
"So you see," he concluded, "I'm much worse than you are. Fredo probably decided to do this because he was jealous and somehow in love with you. I never cared about that woman at all. Leaving her didn't hurt me in the least…I never even thought of the consequences…until now," Cole added in a whisper. He couldn't bring himself to look at Phoebe afterward.
For a long moment, they sat in silence. This was only broken by the occasional car horn, which at last convinced Cole to move the car closer to the curb. When he started the engine, Phoebe jumped and almost protested. However, as she saw that he was quickly stopping, she kept to herself. Distractedly, she looked in the rear view mirror and noticed a car parked in the shadows. It looked vaguely familiar, but then most cars did. Her present state of mind soon had her forgetting about this, dismissing it as yet another paranoid impression.
She returned her attention to Cole who was now staring ahead impassively.
Cole didn't know what else to do. In a way, he wished he was alone right then, but that would have meant driving her back to that monster. He couldn't believe he had opened himself up to that woman like this. Yet, instead of the reproaches any other would have made to him, she was in a unique position to understand. It was probably why there was no anger or outrage in her voice when Phoebe finally spoke.
"It's a strange coincidence isn't it?"
"What do you mean," Cole questioned while half-turning toward her.
"I mean what are the odds…? We both caused people to die…"
"I told you, it wasn't your fault… if that even happened this way…"
"You said you were certain?"
"I said it was logical…"Cole answered flatly. "But either way, you should blame those who killed him, not yourself."
"Then maybe you should do the same…You didn't kill that man."
Cole closed his eyes and turned away again.
"I might as well have been holding the gun to his chest…"
His reply met silence and Cole thought that this time, she would see that he had no excuse. Instead, he was surprised to feel her hand coming to rest lightly on his.
"You shouldn't be so hard on yourself…"
Cole grimaced unhappily but he didn't protest.
Phoebe thought this was so strange. The time she had spent with Cole seemed like a rollercoaster of emotions. Yet, right then, and in spite of the uncertain future she faced, Phoebe felt oddly calm.
"What do you plan to do," Cole asked.
"I've got to go home," Phoebe replied reluctantly as she removed her hand slowly.
"Phoebe," Cole said, suddenly turning toward her.
Phoebe reacted at the use of her name but she didn't stop Cole as he pursued quickly.
"You don't have to go back…I can get you far away."
"And go where?" Phoebe reacted. "My place is here…"
"What?" Cole uttered in surprise. "Didn't you just understand what Fredo did? Don't you see the danger to you?"
"Fredo won't do anything to me," Phoebe uttered more assuredly than she felt. The truth was that for an instant she had envisioned running away with Cole. However, the realization of her dreams was only a little more than a day away. She couldn't run away from that. Not after all she'd been through to get there.
"Look, if you're right," she insisted, "then, that's all the more proof Fredo won't hurt me. He did this to Martin because he's enamoured of me. If he had wanted to kill me, I'd be dead already…"
Cole was watching her with an appalled expression and Phoebe suddenly felt a slight shame.
"Don't look at me like that. You don't understand…"
"What don't I understand," Cole questioned irritably. "That you're asking me to drive you back to the monster that killed a man you loved?"
"I never loved Martin," Phoebe answered with the same irritation. "But…" she began quickly when she saw that Cole was about to add something, "the point is I'm not going back for Fredo…"
"Then what," Cole almost snapped. The worry was returning quickly.
"I told you…you wouldn't understand."
How could anyone understand what she'd lived through, Phoebe thought. In spite of his recent tragedy, Cole had managed to get his own business and had a life of his own. Phoebe's future lay ahead. It was tied to this show that she firmly intended to perform. "Please, bring me home," she added aloud.
Cole shrugged unhappily, but this time, he didn't protest. They were soon on their way and neither one noticed the car starting behind them with its lights off.
Robbie was beginning to think they would never leave. Earlier, he had arrived there and blessed his luck to have found her with that man. He had no lost love for the piano tuner but at least, he was almost certain that the man didn't want to hurt Lara. However, as he was about to go to them, he saw them kissing rather purposefully and decided to wait and see. There was no point in provoking a scene with that Cole guy. Robbie figured that he'd get him by some other means. All that mattered was that he would be there when she got home and he might actually keep his balls intact. Meanwhile, he was half expecting to have to watch them and, if that made him angry in a way, he also found it somewhat exciting. Which is why when they headed back, he was almost hoping that they were going to some remote location rather than Fredo's. He was soon disappointed as they headed down his boss's street.
Cole climbed out slowly, still very hesitant at leaving Phoebe there. However, as he opened the passenger door, Phoebe didn't wait long before she got out of the car. She only stopped as Cole put his arm out in front of her, trapping her between him and the car.
"I've gotta go," Phoebe uttered uncertainly.
Cole wasn't sure what he had intended. Just then, as she stood so close, all he could think about was for Phoebe and him to go away together and never look back.
"You can still change your mind, Phoebe…It's not too late."
Phoebe looked up and again in his eyes she saw the same softness as before. However this time, there was a need in them too. This she recognized easily. She almost lifted herself toward him, wanting only to feel his lips on hers again, but the little voice of reason was fighting against her desire.
"Why do you call me Phoebe," she asked instead, unable to keep the tremor from her voice.
"It's your name, isn't it?" Even as he said so, Cole bent toward her, as he couldn't resist the urge to kiss her again. At the last moment however, Phoebe turned away nervously. Cole frowned mostly to himself.
"I'm sorry…you must be wondering what kind of a monster I am…"
"No!" Phoebe exclaimed, looking straight at him again. "No," she said in a softer voice. "I…I just don't wanna be responsible for…"
"Hey, Turner," came Robbie's voice from behind Cole. "Thanks for bringing the singing bird home," he pursued mockingly.
Cole straightened up uneasily, but he didn't move away from Phoebe. Instead, he answered just as mockingly.
"You know, I'm starting to think that Fredo really is in need of new blood. You guys keep screwing up."
Robbie growled and tried to grab Phoebe's arm, but Cole pushed him firmly away.
"I really think the girl can get home by herself… Robbie isn't it?" Cole added while turning toward the gangster with an assurance he was far from feeling inside. "After all, I found her alone in town…Is Fredo aware of that?"
Robbie twisted his mouth in a falsely amused smirk.
"I've had my eyes on her all this time. Was just wondering how long this little escapade would last…"
Phoebe watched the two men staring at each other and she figured now was as good a time as ever to move away. The moment she did, she thought she felt Cole's eyes on her back. "What must he be thinking," Phoebe wondered. Yet, she still believed that she was right… It didn't keep her from experiencing an intense panic as she neared the front door. As she was about the grab the doorknob, Phoebe had a sudden urge to run back and take Cole's offer. However, Robbie's presence was the first obstacle to this and next, as she was still hesitating, the door flung open and she found herself face to face with a very angry Fredo…