Music to my Soul
Chapter XVII
~~~~~
"Cole please, you can't think that risking your life is gonna make up for what happened to her." This, Paul said as they were standing in front of the opened apartment door. He was holding on to Cole's arm firmly. "True, she suffered a lot in the past and maybe… ok, probably we had a lot of responsibility in it. But Cole, look at what you've become because of what happened to you. All those years and all those mistakes… See what it took to open your eyes. What if she's not ready to change? What if she's truly lost? You might be walking into a trap."
Cole winced unhappily, still wounded deeply by the mere image of what Phoebe went through. He knew Paul might be right about her. However, if he learned one thing from those mistakes, it was that once he could have avoided them if he had not shied away. "Paul...Do you remember what you told me before all of this happened? Do you remember how you called me an ass because I didn't follow my heart? You may be right about her, but this time, I will follow my heart Paul. Nothing's gonna stop me. I'll try to get her out of there. She's in danger because of me…again. I can't let that happen. Who knows what they may be putting her through right now if they believe she was in collusion with me to spy on Fredo."
"Cole," Paul tried again, "she chose this life. She knew the risks. Much more than this, she didn't hesitate to defy this gangster by sleeping with you and who knows how many others. She had to know the danger. If something happens to her, she'll have been the instrument of her own destruction; not you."
Cole shrugged Paul's grasp angrily. "I won't let you talk me out of it, Paul. Don't waste your breath
"It's mine to waste and besides, how can you be so sure she's in any danger? She told you herself that she wasn't."
"I'm not sure, but I can feel it. Maybe I'm just projecting, like Lydia said; but if something happened to her I don't think I could take it, Paul. I've got to see this through."
"Let me come with you."
"I'll have a better chance to get in by myself. Besides, you've got to stay with Lydia. If I'm caught, they'll most likely come after you next."
"I'm supposed to let you go to your death and do nothing about it?" Paul almost shouted.
Cole turned pained eyes toward his friend. "I've been dead for twelve years, Paul. Now, I'm alive again…I'm not running to my death; on the contrary. If I didn't do this, I might as well die."
"Cole," Paul protested again, but Cole interrupted him immediately.
"Whatever happens next, I want you to know you're the best friend anyone could have. I don't think I told you that often enough." Before Paul could reply, Cole hurried away from him.
~~~~~~
Now standing in the street, in the middle of all those happy-goers, Cole felt the weight of his worries intensely; but even so, his determination had not faltered in the least. Cautiously, he followed the crowd and managed to get closer and closer, hoping that he wouldn't get noticed. Earlier, he had feared that he was followed and, for a few minutes, he even thought that they had found his hiding place. Then the car he suspected stopped following him and Cole became convinced he was just being paranoid.
However, here Cole was in a very different situation and paranoia might actually save his and Phoebe's lives. He had no idea on what Fredo's dispositions toward him were at this point. He didn't even know for sure if they found out about his real purpose to come to them. Nevertheless, he couldn't risk going in as if nothing had happened. Much more than this, Cole believed that it could only heighten the risk to Phoebe's safety. For a while before he got out of the car, Cole debated whether this course of action might not be the real threat to her. Maybe if he stayed away, as she asked, she would be better off for it. However, after pondering this anxiously, Cole still couldn't believe that remaining in the midst of this band of gangsters was safe for Phoebe. Granted, Paul could have been right about it being a trap. Or at least that Phoebe still needed some time to see the light. But Cole couldn't believe that she would be the one responsible for him being in danger. At least, not directly… That, he couldn't accept.
He was almost to the entrance when he spotted two suspicious men in cheap suits and hats. They were standing near the wall and just at the edge of the crowd. He swallowed hard, wondering if the were waiting for him, although he had no proof of that. His rash decision to come here certainly wasn't something a reasonable man would do in the face of possible exposure; and they ought to believe he would stay well away. What's more, after the first moment of slight panic, he reasoned that considering the number of people attending this event, and the fact that Fredo would be exposed, that made it normal for them to tighten the security. Watching those men discreetly, Cole moved along, hoping that he could slip in the club through the front door. He was about ten feet from the entrance when he found out he would have to scratch this idea. Coming out of the club's artistically tainted glass doors were Robbie and Saul. From the look of them, they were scanning the crowd and Cole barely had time to bend down and turn his face away while his heart pounded in his chest. If they recognized him…
~~~~~~
Phoebe paced the dressing room nervously. Ever since she got to the club and even before in the car, she had begun to worry seriously about her safety. If it hadn't been for Saul's insinuations, there were other small but disturbing details which she noticed afterwards. None of them signified anything on their own, but the accumulation was starting to frighten her. It began from the moment they were about to climb out of the car and Saul grabbed a bag from the back seat. As soon as he did that, Phoebe caught a whiff of burnt material. It was subtle but distinctive. At first, she reasoned it might be coming from the car but as Saul walked away from her, the aroma soon vanished altogether. Then, as she neared her dressing room, she spotted Fredo and Saul whispering to each other.
Although Fredo still looked up and smiled, there was something in his expression that gave Phoebe a chill. She couldn't be certain that her impression was correct, but she thought there was a phoney quality to that smile. In addition, she observed Saul, who was indicating the bag insistently to Fredo and she experienced an uncomfortable malaise without knowing why she feared the content of the bag exactly. Before she could reach them, Fredo nodded in the affirmative toward Saul and this one walked away. Then, the old gangster greeted Phoebe with open arms but by then, Phoebe couldn't forget her first impression. As if that wasn't enough, she expected Fredo to stay with her, even if she didn't relish the idea, but the old man announced that he had to go back inside the Club and would be waiting for her show to start from there. Phoebe did her best to hide her deepening unease and she could only hope that Fredo didn't notice the slight trembling in her hand as he kissed it before taking his leave. If he did, he didn't give any indication however.
Now almost an hour later, she was still wondering about all of this. Her assistant had helped her dress in her scene costume and was now applying her makeup. The young Hispanic girl noticed Phoebe's jumpiness, unlike Fredo.
"It's gonna be ok, Miss Love," she said as she put the last touch to Phoebe's makeup. "I'm sure you're gonna knock'em dead tonight."
"Thanks Lupe…I'm just a little jittery. So much is hanging on this performance."
"Would you like for me to pour you a drink? You still have almost thirty minutes before curtain call…"
"That would be lovely, thank you," Phoebe accepted gratefully. She had to admit that at this point, if she didn't manage to calm down, her throat might close up when she needed it the most. Anything to loosen her up would be of help.
Lupe took her leave after pouring her a double shot of the expensive brandy she knew Lara was fond of, and after her departure, Phoebe's feeling of isolation deepened. Right this minute, she surprised herself as she wished Cole was there even though she knew all the reasons why she shouldn't want him with her. There were so many things she didn't know about him and yet, she couldn't help thinking that he could have protected her. A knock on the door startled her and she almost dropped the glass she was still holding.
"Fifteen minutes," a loud voice announced through the door. Phoebe looked up at the clock in surprise. She had to concentrate on the performance to come, but try as she might, her troubled musings didn't allow her to do so. As she tried once again to find a calm place and distractedly took a sip of the hard liquor, the door burst open and she opened wide eyes as the glass slipped and broke loudly on the floor.
~~~~~~
"I'm telling you," Saul told Fredo, who just then was coming to sit beside him in the protected alcove reserved to the owner and his entourage. The room was quickly getting packed and Fredo could at least take satisfaction in the fact that this evening would be a success financially. However, Saul's propos brought a dark and depressing damper on the evening. "I saw her going into the office and then I found the papers burnt to a crisp into the wastebasket. No doubt Lara was trying to cover her tracks. She's really spying on you, Fredo. You've got to believe me now."
Fredo stared ahead fixedly, unwilling to give an inch to his lieutenant. At this moment, Robbie entered the alcove in turn and he immediately bent conspiratorially toward Saul, whose lips then expanded in a satisfied smile. "I knew it," he uttered confidently, "make sure you do exactly as I told you."
Robbie only nodded in the affirmative and quickly exited the alcove.
"Remember what I said, Fredo?" Saul questioned next when his boss pretended he hadn't noticed the exchange.
This time, Fredo flashed an unhappy glance at his man. "I remember everything. Doesn't mean…"
"I'm gonna have proofs for you very soon."
Fredo's expression darkened some more as he returned his gaze toward the assembling crowd without really seeing them anymore.
~~~~~
"You shouldn't be here," Phoebe uttered in a strangled voice as Cole quickly locked the door behind him after verifying that no one was coming their way. She knew she had wished for his presence, and much more than this, she had begun to believe that what she trusted to be the truth for twelve years might very well be false. Yet, it wasn't the right time to resolve this.
"I had to, Phoebe."
"You've put us both in danger by coming here. Leave now!"
"I can't," Cole said very seriously. "Phoebe…" he stopped himself, unsure of what he could tell her. All the way there, his course of action seemed very clear. He had assumed that he would get her out of this mess and that they could discuss the past afterwards. However, Phoebe's reaction had him doubting that she was ready to follow him.
"If you came to tell me you're sorry, apologies accepted. Now get out. If you don't care about your skin, at least have the decency not to put me in danger as well."
"Phoebe, I don't want anything to happen to you. I believe that staying here with Fredo is what puts you in mortal danger."
Phoebe barely paid attention to what he was saying. She had her own opinion on the level of jeopardy she was in anyway. However, after the first moment of surprise, she noticed the wound on Cole's forehead with a pang in her stomach. "What happened to you?" In saying so, she took a few steps toward Cole and indicated his forehead.
"My head connected with the very hard handle of a gun yesterday, but I'll live," Cole dismissed.
"When did this happen? Who did this to you?"
"We didn't really exchange pleasantries and it happened when they surprised me in the hotel room shortly after you left," Cole answered with an annoyed gesture.
"What?"
If Cole had any lingering doubts about his attacker being sent by Phoebe, her bewildered reaction wiped them out for good. "It's behind me. Now what matters if that I get you out of here and to a safe place."
"What?" Phoebe repeated, taking a few steps back in reaction. At this moment, all of her doubts about him came back rushing. What Cole had done recently was still too vivid in her mind. "No," she said then. "Even if I didn't have very good reasons not to consider this option, I still wouldn't go anywhere with you. Not after yesterday. At any rate, tonight is too important for me. You won't take that away from me as well…"
Cole closed his eyes and sighed deeply, knowing what was coming next and sure enough, the bitter words came from her mouth right then. "Yeah, I know about you, Cole. Your little friend came here and told me enough. Why did you have to come back into my life? Why now? You felt you didn't hurt me enough?"
"Please Phoebe; it's not what you think. I swear to you, I never meant you any harm."
"You have a very strange way of showing it." Phoebe replied unhappily.
"I wish I had more time to explain," Cole began. He licked his lips nervously as he opened his eyes and saw the intransigent expression on Phoebe's face.
In spite of her doubts about the past, the wound she carried around all this time was still very much present and painful. It was impossible not to reproach it to him now. "Explain what to me, Cole? How you and your little friends thought nothing of invading my privacy and destroying my life in the process just to have a good laugh?"
"Stop!" Cole exploded angrily. He had pain controlling the urge to tell her off when thinking back of what happened. "You don't have all the facts," he managed in a slightly calmer voice. "All I wanted was to meet you. I thought that after all we'd shared without seeing each other, you might…"
"Might what?" Phoebe insisted curtly.
"It was stupid on my part, ok? I admit it. I shouldn't have come to you in this manner. I was shy and afraid you'd reject me and it took me weeks to gather the courage to even try seeing you. Yeah, I know that sounds unbelievable but it's the truth," Cole added quickly when he saw the incredulous stare Phoebe gave him. "I had no idea that those boys were watching me, Phoebe. You've gotta believe me. I only wanted to know you… and the note…"
"What note?"
Cole looked away uncomfortably. "I thought you sent me a note. I learned later on that it was those boys' doing. At the time I thought you were in need of a friend and I wanted to be that for you. In fact, I stupidly believed we were already friends in a way."
"Before this happened, I believed it too," Phoebe trailed uncertainly.
Cole turned back to her in surprise. From the look in his eyes, Phoebe gathered that something didn't add up for him. It most likely had to do with what her father did, but she couldn't imagine why this would have been such a tragedy. What did he expect? He had been trying to enter her home through a window. Even she couldn't reproach her father to have protected his home. Not even considering how hurtful Victor had been to her later on. "Are you reproaching me something," she continued after a few seconds of charged silence.
"It doesn't matter anymore."
"Well, maybe it doesn't matter to you, but I've lived through too much to forget so easily."
"I just told you!" Cole exclaimed impatiently. "I…" he stopped abruptly, realizing this was going all wrong. Up until the moment when they started talking, he had accepted his responsibility in her tragedy. Now, he was trying to excuse himself and he suddenly experienced a disturbing shame. "I'm so sorry, Phoebe. You have no idea how sorry I am… I really never meant for any of this to happen; not then and even less now…For what I did recently, I'm even sorrier. I have no right to reproach you anything."
There was such an accent of sincerity in this expansive apology that Phoebe was startled. "Do you know what happened to me," she questioned almost fearfully. She couldn't imagine how he would but he seemed so devastated that she had to assume he knew something.
"I…I only learned of it today…Paul made some inquiries, which I admit, I should have considered making long ago, but…anyway, it hurts me just thinking that I was responsible even in a small way for the pain you had to endure. I assure you Phoebe, if I could take this back; if I could turn back the clock and spare you these horrors, I'd do it in a heartbeat. There's just no way to change what happened…"
"Why was your friend so angry with me?" Phoebe suddenly asked. "Was that because of what my father did?"
Cole looked away again, unable to sustain her stare. "I told you, it's in the past and it doesn't matter anymore," he said in such a broken voice that it denied his claim.
Phoebe suddenly had a sinking feeling that she had not been the only offended party in this story. There was such pain in his voice. Without thinking, she went to him and grabbed one of his hands lightly. "It matters to me…"
Cole shook his head in silence and still didn't meet her gaze. Inside, he was debating whether to tell her. What good was it gonna do to hurt her by telling her of all the suspicions and the hatred he had entertained towards her through the years? The light touch of her fingers on his hand was at once a balm and ember. It reminded him intensely of the terrible blow he'd suffered himself. As much as he wanted to be magnanimous, he had to stop himself from removing his hand from her grasp and show her all of the resentment that was coming back to him.
Phoebe noticed his suddenly tense expression and she knew that what he wasn't saying must be much more terrible than he let on. "Please, Cole," she asked softly. "Why was Paul so angry with me?"
"He believed," Cole answered after a short hesitation. He stopped for a second and then continued, "'WE' believed that you asked your father to do this. I…for the longest time, I thought you were just a selfish brat who didn't care whoever got hurt as long as it wasn't you."
The bitterness in his voice was such that Phoebe felt it as a slap across the face. "Your ego couldn't take a rejection," she questioned in a hurt tone of voice as she let go of Cole's hand abruptly.
At her words, Cole turned to her and in his eyes Phoebe saw something akin to hatred flashing. However, it was quickly replaced by renewed hurt, as he looked down and Phoebe, following his stare, saw his knuckles turning white as he clenched his fists. That is when the truth began dawning on her. "Why did you stop playing the piano," she asked.
Cole didn't answer, stubbornly looking down and avoiding her stare. "Cole…why did you stop playing," she repeated insistently. Inwardly, she expected and feared the answer all at once.
Another knock on the door startled them both at that moment. The same loud voice announced, "Ten minutes to curtain, Miss Love!"
After catching her breath painfully, Phoebe looked up at Cole, who was now staring at her uncertainly. "Please…I need to know."
"No you don't," Cole said calmly. "All you need to know is that I understood I was wrong about you."
"Cole…you want me to believe you, don't you? If so, I need to know the whole truth. I knew back then that you were destined to a great career. I knew it in my heart. What changed?"
Cole unclenched his fists and looked down at his hands with a forlorn expression. "That night…I broke both my wrists in the fall…Then, as if that wasn't enough, I was told that I could never play the same again. What's more, because of…anyway, Paul got punished as well through no fault of his own. He was denied a chance to become all he could be as a writer when we were both expelled from the orphanage at your father's request."
"Oh my god…no," Phoebe exclaimed painfully before turning her back to Cole.
"It's ok," Cole added soothingly as he came closer and grabbed her shoulders almost without thinking. "It wasn't your fault. I know that now…"
"But until recently, you believed it to be, didn't you," Phoebe questioned without making a move to look at him.
Cole leaned closer, bending toward her cheek as he whispered, "I was wrong. I was so wrong and I know that now."
"You had good reasons to believe it," Phoebe replied. "I…I also hated you so much," she admitted then. "Everything went so wrong…All I wanted…"
"Was to know you," Cole pursued for her.
"To love you," Phoebe finished in a sigh, now knowing he had wanted the same. Instinctively, she leaned against him, greeting the renewed connection between them with infinite relief in spite of the terrible blow these revelations had been. "Can you ever forgive me?"
"You've got nothing to apologize for. I'm the one," Cole began, pulling away from her. However, Phoebe suddenly turned to him and grabbed his face firmly with her delicate hands. "No…you have nothing to be sorry about either, Cole. Nothing except all this lost time," she added before she pulled him to her and their lips met in a soft caress. Even this light touch was enough to inflame their senses; so much so that both of them forgot about the precarious situation they were in as Cole encircled her waist and crushed her against him impatiently. While his hands caressed the soft curve of her lower back, Phoebe opened her lips hungrily, allowing him to explore her mouth while their desire became almost overpowering. It was only the sounds of the band coming from the main room of the Club that brought them back to reality, but as they pulled away slightly, they both found it hard to catch their breaths. "We've got to go, Phoebe…" Cole uttered hoarsely.
This acted like a cold shower for Phoebe. "I can't…"
"You can't seriously mean that now?" Cole questioned incredulously as his hold on her loosened considerably.
"You don't understand," Phoebe pleaded even as she felt that even the short distance between them was like a chasm. "Even if it wasn't for the fact that Fredo won't let me leave this place right now…let alone you if he finds you here… Cole I've worked so hard for this day. If I leave now…"
"It's not worth dying for, Phoebe."
"Don't do this, please. I need to see this through."
"What does that mean?" Cole questioned with a strong hint of disappointment. "Is that it? We find each other again and you want me to give up on you just like that?"
"No!" Phoebe exclaimed almost desperately. "No," she added more calmly, "I just meant…I've worked so hard, I have to know if…"
"I know already, Phoebe, as you should. It's not over for you. You could start over somewhere else. We both could…"
Phoebe stared at him intently, even as she furiously tried to find a compromise. Then, she remembered the papers. "Wait…I know how…"
"How to what?"
"How to make sure Fredo will let us go and never come after us again. But I need to sing tonight."
"What could you do?"
Rather than answering this, Phoebe went to pick up her hand bag from the dressing table and she opened it hurriedly. She then grabbed the papers she'd stolen from Fredo in the morning and came back toward Cole nervously. "Take those and leave while you can. I'll meet you outside later after I made sure Fredo knows I have something on him."
"What?" Cole exclaimed incredulously. Then he looked down at the papers Phoebe was handing to him and he immediately recognized the distinctive patterns of a ledger. "What are those?"
"Proof…" Phoebe uttered laconically. "Just what you came for… but Cole…" She clutched his arm firmly at this, "you've gotta promised me that this won't be published or go to the authorities. This is our only insurance against Fredo."
"Phoebe," Cole tried to protest as he quickly went through the small pile. "This is dynamite. Fredo could be sent to prison for years if the feds got a hold of it."
"And then, the other bosses or even some of Fredo's men might seek revenge on us. They'd come after us relentlessly until they killed us both. Instead of living a normal life and having a chance at a career, we'd be on the run for years. But if I can convince him that those papers will end up in the hands of the fed were we to be hurt or killed, I'm sure he'll see the validity of letting us go. I know what you think but it's not worth risking our lives for a principle. I wish I could make him pay as well Cole. I remember what he did to Martin and maybe many others, but it's not worth it. I wanna live with you, Cole; not die with you."
Cole had to think very fast. He owed a lot to Leo, and even to himself, he knew that. However, if it meant choosing between Phoebe's life and a principle, he didn't see that there was much of a choice.
"That doesn't mean you won't be in danger, Phoebe. He could still try to hurt you. I can't leave you here alone."
"Cole, I won't be able to do this if I'm scared for you. I'll tell him that you're already prepared to deliver those papers to the feds if I don't get out of the Club unhurt. But first, I need to be sure you're safe. Leave while you can."
"You don't know how hard it was to come in here. I had to knock out two of Fredo's men and throw them into a dumpster. By now, the others may already have noticed their absence and added more guards just in case. It would have been hard enough for me to get us both out of here, but how will I come back to help you if things go sour?"
"Nothing will go wrong. Fredo isn't gonna hurt me. I just wanna make sure he won't come after us after I left him, that's all. You're the one who's in danger, Cole." Phoebe insisted. Deep down, she worried a little about her own safety but she saw that this was the only way to make sure they could both escape. When she saw that Cole was still hesitating, she pushed herself up to him and brushed her lips against his, whispering, "Please…I wanna fall asleep in your arms tonight and all the nights of my life. The only way this can happen is for you to do as I say."
"Phoebe," Cole tried to protest.
"There's no more time," Phoebe said as she pressed her fingers on his lips gently. "It's now or never. You must decide."
"I don't wanna leave you." Cole repeated stubbornly, as he refused to accept her logic.
"It's only for a little while. Then we'll be free."
For a moment, Cole couldn't help wondering if Phoebe was trying to set him up somehow. Too many things had gone on; too many questions were never answered. He felt bad that he might doubt her even now, but as he thought of it, Phoebe seemed to have guessed at his concern. "You're thinking it's not the right thing to do and if I'm doing this wrong, what else am I capable of? Don't you?"
"You could ask yourself the same question about me…" Cole replied uncertainly.
"Long ago, before we even saw each other, I knew you inside and out. For a while, I believed I was wrong. A long while to be sure, but I know now that I wasn't mistaken. I believe in you, Cole. However, I can't force you to believe in me…"
Cole gazed intently in her eyes, searching for any sign of treachery, but all he saw was the reflection of his own feelings for her. "I believe in you…" he then said firmly.
Without hesitation, Cole pulled Phoebe to him and kissed her passionately, trying to convey more than with words what he felt then. "Be careful," he said as he walked away reluctantly. "I couldn't bear to lose you again."
"I will be…"
Cole turned toward Phoebe one last time and stared at her as if he wanted to engrave her features in his mind. Then, as he was about to unlock the door, the doorknob began turning on its own…