Every Plan Needs a Bit of Fate
Author's Note: The evil rabid fluffy plot bunnies made me do it. I know I should be working on A Lapse in Logic, but this just wouldn't let me go. So, here we go! And even if I never get a review, I don't care, because it was impossibly fun to write. So, enjoy!
"There is a kind of merry war and they never meet, but there's a skirmish of wits between them."
- William Shakespeare, Much Ado About Nothing.
It was an idyllic spring day at Hogwarts Castle. The grass was lush and vibrant, and bluebells dotted the green like pieces of the tranquil sky above. The birds sang their cheerful melody, and the odd butterfly loped slowly and gracefully across the picture with wings like pure sunlight and shadows. Today, nearly all the students seemed affected by the happiness of the world outside; even the Slytherins had only shoved two or three young children instead of their usual expectation of five.
But somewhere below all the joy and love, there was quite a different sound. At the first moment of hearing it, it seemed only like a hum beneath the reverie. But eventually, it increased in volume and intensity, until one was finally brought to the Great Hall where it unfolded before the overlooker.
"What do you mean I'm disturbing you? Can't I just sit down and say hello without 'disturbing you'?"
"If walking in and saying hello means sitting down, throwing your books down on the table with as much racket as you can possibly make, then proceeding to call loudly across the table to Dean and Seamus, then no, you can't do that without disturbing me."
"Racket? What racket? Are you mad? Or just unbelievably touchy? Don't you ever say hello to people?"
"Are you aware that there is a Potions test tomorrow?"
"Why, yes, I am. I studied. Haven't you? Are you cramming? Hmmm?"
"Oh, really. Then what does an undiluted solution of the Byvronit plant's sap cause?"
"I'd tell you, but you're just trying to get the answers from me."
"Well, that would be a first, wouldn't it?"
"What could you possibly mean by that?"
"You know perfectly well what I mean."
There was a break. Hermione and Ron retreated to recover. The rest of the Great Hall, who had listened with one ear to the procedure that usually occurred at least once a day let out their breath and some removed the cotton from their ears. The Gryffindor table, released from the purgatory that for some reason plagued them all the time, looked glumly at each other. There had been a period of relatively good grace for two days, and it had seemed like an unexpected breath of fresh air. One could see Parvati saying to Lavender, "I told you, didn't I?" And Harry and Ginny, as was so very unfortunately expected of them, gave each other a resigned look and went off to the other ends of the table, to Ron and Hermione respectively.
"Honestly. I don't know what her problem is."
"You were kind of loud, Ron…"
"Well, what's wrong with that? I'm happy, I expect other people around me to be happy too."
"Have you ever considered not picking every single other word to begin an argument?"
"What do you mean, 'every single other word'?"
"Never mind. I suppose it was only wishful thinking anyhow." Harry let out a barely audible sigh and looked towards where Ginny and Hermione were standing. As he wearily brushed his hair out of his eyes, he reflected that, as normal, their conversation didn't seem to be going much better either.
"He's so insufferable. He never even thinks about anyone else or their feelings."
"I think he was just generally pleased, Hermione…."
"Pleased? When I'm pleased I don't go around disregarding every single consideration to other people that my common sense tells me."
"I don't think he meant to bother you."
"Of course he did. He was put on earth to make my life completely intolerable."
"Well you're the one who lets him!"
"What?"
Ginny, too, sighed. It was absolutely no use. They were completely set in their ways –pretending to hate each other seemed the only plausible option in their minds. "Never mind, Hermione. I didn't mean that." Harry, across the hall, seemed equally disgruntled. They caught each other's eye. "Listen, I've got to go ask Harry if I can use Hedwig for something. Pig's sick."
"I doubt Ron would let anyone use him anyway."
With that, Ginny hurried across the room. She and Harry went out the doors of the hall so that neither Ron nor Hermione could see them. They simultaneously collapsed on the bench outside, put their heads in their hands, and laughed in a way that was wildly hysterical in a most unhealthy way.
***
"Head over heels for each other and they refuse to admit it." Harry said, shaking his head ruefully. "It's awful."
"You're telling me. All I heard about this summer was about how awful Hermione was, how she was fraternizing with the enemy, how he heard that Bulgaria had awful tornadoes during the summer. I thought I would go mad."
Harry snickered. "Tornadoes? How strange. I don't suppose you've uncovered that slightly mutilated Krum doll again have you?"
Ginny laughed for a few seconds, then recovered. "No, I'm afraid it met its end in a bonfire we had near the end of August."
Harry had a hard time keeping his guffaw to a normal sound level. "And has Hermione said anything about Krum? What's happening with him? God, there has to be something that can shove them into each other's arms."
"Krum: unmentioned. Completely. If they've broken up, there was absolutely no remorse on Hermione's part."
Harry stood up with an air of determination, if somewhat mockingly. "It has gone on long enough, Ginny. I vow that since they cannot succeed on their own, it has been thrust into our hands to better the situation."
Ginny nodded, her face lighting up with the idea. "I've thought that for a long time. But how? What can we possibly do?"
"You know how Ron cannot stand anyone insulting Hermione except himself?" whispered Harry, turning his head into the hall to see what was happening. It seemed pretty normal: Ron had turned beet red from yelling so hard and Hermione had inadvertently crumpled the papers she was gesturing with in her hands. Still clear.
"Of course," Ginny replied, "but why does that matter?"
"What if.." he said, and leaned closer to her, relating a plan intrinsically complex, that needed the help of most of the Gryffindor house and a few teachers, pets, and one poltergeist, while they both shot furtive glances towards the door leading from the hall. It would work absolutely perfectly. They hoped. It was set to begin in the middle of Herbology class, where they would first trigger the chain. With luck it would be finished by the night, if everything happened progressively.
It took ten minutes.
"Wow." Ginny leaned back, her head spinning. "How do you remember all that?"
Smiling ruefully, Harry replied, "How long do you think I've been thinking it up?"
Still impressed, Ginny expressed a doubt. "But how do we get all those people to agree to help, tell them the plan, make sure they can do it, and all in," she stole a look at her watch, "half an hour?"
"With a lot of speed."
"Right. I'll take the first 30. Let's go."
It seemed almost like a military mission.
***
Half an hour later, all of Gryffindor, and everyone else involved had severe headaches and notes scribbled rather wildly, but this was nothing compared to Harry and Ginny. They looked as if they had just run five marathons in a row. Which, really, they had.
Hermione and Ron remained completely oblivious to the entire thing, even though Harry and Ginny had worked their way down the Gryffindor table and eventually Lavender, Parvati, Dean, Seamus, Fred, George, and more had helped them as well. They were wrapped up in their argument.
They had had ten matches, Ron held a tally of four, while Hermione was leading with an amazing six, something that made Ron extremely frustrated. The prediction was that Hermione would get cocky and slip, and it would emerge, as usual, a tie. They were in their ninth break.
Which, fortunately, was all for then because the bell rang and they all hurried for Herbology. On the way, Ron and Hermione muttered biting repartees under their breath and Harry and Ginny rolled their eyes, as they always did.
Walking to the greenhouses was beautiful. The spring day had not completely been ruined by the bickering of Ron and Hermione, although they showed no signs of appreciating it.
"Isn't it a lovely day, Hermione?"
"Well it was, wasn't it. Honestly, that boy could ruin heaven, if he ever gets up there…"
"Look, Ron! I swear I just saw a hedgehog!"
"Oh really. Doesn't it remind you of anyone? Just a little prickly?"
When they got into the classroom, Madame Sprout began assigning partners. Everyone smiled, for it was part of the Plan that Ron and Hermione be assigned together. They were. Madame Sprout was part of the Plan. This would begin a carefully orchestrated series of events that Professor McGonagall, Dumbledore, Peeves, and Snape had been recruited to. While they were together, whoever was closest to them would lean over and whisper the word, "potato". That was the beginning of the Plan.
Harry looked over and saw that Neville and Lavender were next to Hermione and Ron. Looking at Neville, he gave a great wink. Neville saw it and nodded, winking back.
Ron and Hermione saw too.
"What on earth are you doing, Harry," they said, in perfect unison. When they realized that they had said something without disagreeing, they glared at each other with practically the same face, as if the other one had tricked them into the slip.
"Nothing," stammered Harry, but fortunately Madame Sprout chose that exact moment to begin the lesson for the day.
"Class, today we will be working with the Guerralegri plant from the Amazon."
She gestured to a plant that looked very strange: it appeared at first to be only a formidable plant. Its vines had a head at the end that seemed…ferocious to say the least, with glittering and sharp teeth. But if you looked further, Harry realized, there was a flower inside the mouth. Not just any flower, though; it was a burst of blue and green, an explosion of ocean. Some of the girls gave little sighs.
"As you can see, it's not a typical plant. The head seems to have evolved only to protect the flower. We are trying to retrieve the flower because its pollen has a pacifying effect. While getting the pollen, I want no harming done to the flower whatsoever. Marks will be taken off if it is crushed or plucked. Now, to obtain the pollen, it's obvious you can't just waltz in and grab it."
The class smiled bemusedly, but everyone had one eye on Ron and Hermione. Who, of course, didn't notice, because Hermione was busy listening intently to the teacher, taking profuse notes, and Ron was scowling at something in the middle of space.
"So, instead, you have to use a simple sleeping spell. But that doesn't mean the teeth detract or something – they're still there, and they're still sharp. Use a swab to get the pollen, and don't be too hasty."
Harry and Ginny let out a breath. It was all in the hands of their comrades now. Neville gave a salute.
"What sleeping charm do we use?" Ron asked, very reluctantly.
"There's only one sleeping charm we know, Ron," said Hermione, with what some would have called a self-satisfied air.
"Well, maybe you, Hermione."
Hermione resisted rolling her eyes. "Stupefy!"
"That's a sleeping charm?"
"Well it works, doesn't it?" Hermione flung at Ron, flipping her hair as she turned her head again.
At this moment Neville somehow managed to get his face far too near to the Guerragreli.
"Ahhh!!"
"Oh, no, Neville."
Neville had a long shallow cut on both cheeks. It looked rather like Indian war-paint.
Madame Sprout, who had bustled over at his scream, tutted at it. "It's not going to scar, but you never know with plants. Especially ones like these. I'm sending you to Madame Pomfrey. Lavender, can you take him?"
Lavender nodded with a worried expression, and took a wincing Neville out of the classroom.
"Alright, Ron, I'm going to put the swab in to get the pollen now." Hermione said, furrowing her face in concentration. Because the flower was quite a bit further in than the length of the swab, her hands were much closer to the teeth than anyone would have liked.
Harry suddenly realized that the Plan's first step had not been carried out. Neville. Hurt. Not there to say "potato." "Oh God Ginny, he said, turning to her, and saw the same panic written on her face. What could be done?
Suddenly Hermione drew her breath in sharply, and withdrew her hand and the swab, dropping the swap and holding her hand, which from a gash that ran from the second knuckle of her index finger to her wrist was oozing drops of crimson blood. The plant had shaken off the effects of Hermione's charm, and wielded its head with all the ferocity of the jungle beast it was.
In a flash, Ron had drawn his wand, yelled "Stupefy!" with a vehemence hardly ever shown in his performing of spells, ripped a strip of cloth from the bottom of his ropes and wrapped it around Hermione's hand. She looked at him with a dazed expression, because all of this had been done so quickly it boggled the mind.
"Bloody plants. I hate jungle plants, beastly things, strike out at everything and anything." Grabbing the swab with the pollen, he took it to Madame Sprout.
"Is that enough, Madame Sprout? I need to take Hermione to the infirmary." Holding the swab out with a determined air, he looked expectantly at the professor.
Madame Sprout looked at him with a startled glance. "Why, yes, I believe it it, just shake the pollen off into that bowl there and you can be off."
"Thank you."
Taking Hermione by the shoulder, he led her from the room, and the class held their breath.
"Did you just tear that from your robes?"
"Yes," Ron said tersely, "Why?"
"Well, what's the point of ruining your robes for a cut like that?"
"It's a greenhouse. You could get dirt into it."
They continued walking, and for the first time noticed the weather. If it had been beautiful at noon, there was something about the afternoon that was infinitely sweeter and mild. An inquisitive chipmunk looked at them from a tree, an acorn clenched for future eating. They were halfway between the greenhouse and the doors to the actual building of Hogwarts.
"Have you really studied Potions, Ron?"
Throwing his hands up in exasperation, Ron muttered, "No, okay? I was busy last night. I was…."
"Probably watching the Chudley Cannons on their poster again."
"Oh be quiet. Don't you ever have anything to do with your time that doesn't involve burying your head in a dusty old tome?"
"Excuse me, you despicable…."
And then, as if it had just occurred to them that they could do this, and, by God, why hadn't they done it sooner, their mouths met with amazing speed as Hermione didn't bother finishing her comment and Ron didn't let her. They stood there, kissing, underneath a willow tree, as Hermione's hands went around Ron's neck, and this really didn't seem like anything new or strange.
And so it was, since Harry and Ginny had finished their project with lightning speed, upon sneaking out they found Ron and Hermione standing as if they had never been separated, Hermione holding onto Ron's neck, and Ron cupping Hermione's face in his hands, completely oblivious to the world around them. There was a breeze that carried memories of roses and lilacs.
Harry and Ginny looked, stunned, at the picture before them. The Plan…it hadn't even been carried out properly. They were not arguing. They were not fighting. They were holding each other like they would never let go.
Unbeknownst to Harry and Ginny, not to mention Ron and Hermione, the rest of the class had crept up behind them, along with Lavender and Neville who had returned with gauze all over Neville's face. They, too, stood utterly astonished. They looked like witnesses to a miracle. If they'd been wearing hats they would have taken them off.
It was Parvati and Lavender who first broke the symmetry of open mouths. They broke out into huge grins, squealed, and hugged each other. "They did it! They did it!" they chanted.
Fred and George looked purely delighted, both for their brother and for their new teasing rights. George ran over to Colin Creevey, who could then be seen lifting his camera and taking quite a few shots, from just as many angles.
Dean and Seamus were busy yelling "Score!!" to each other, as if they were at a football or a Quidditch game. Madame Sprout had emerged as well, and was smiling with a fondly reminiscent smile at the couple. Neville smiled so beamingly at everyone around him that it seemed almost like a ray of sun.
And Harry and Ginny? It took a little longer for it to sink in for them. But when it did, they turned to each other with elated expressions. "They figured it out all on their own, Harry!" Ginny practically yelled, her face flushed, and a tendril of red hair sticking to her cheek in excitement.
And because Harry couldn't really think of anything clever enough to say, he just bent down and kissed her too. He felt it was appropriate.
The crowd behind them went even wilder. Fred and George smiled amusedly at each other, and shook each other's hands, looking rather proud.
If this was a movie, and the end, the camera would start panning out. You would see that breeze making Hermione's hair blow in the wind, and Ron's robes flutter out behind him, and you would see them smiling to each other in adoring amazement behind their kiss. You would see Harry and Ginny's hands entwined, and both of their smiles so wide it almost made it difficult to kiss. They would get smaller, and smaller, and the crowd of people would seem only like a black covering on the green grass. The tops of the trees would rustle in the breeze, and perhaps the same butterfly from the beginning of the story would land upon Hermione. Hogwarts would emerge, stately, and perhaps a few teachers leaning from their windows with affectionate looks. And then they would merely be specks
But this isn't a movie, and it most certainly isn't the end.
***
The pictures stand framed in the Gryffindor common room. But they could seem exactly like Muggle photos in one respect: not once have the two couples moved apart.