Dungeons and Dragons: Satan's game! Skool children-like it or not-are being
attracted in their weaker years to the occult; and playing a game like D &
D fuels their imagination, and making them feel "special," while drawing
them further and further into the bowels of El Diablo! This evening, H.M.
watch hour invites you to sit in on an actual gaming session. Observe the
previously unobservable, as a hidden camera brings you to the inner
sanctums of Dungeons and Dragons.
Gaz: (reading off Zim's screen) "Galstaff, you have entered the door to the North. You are now by yourself, standing in a dark room. The pungent stench of mildew emanates from the wet, dungeon walls."
Dib: (slightly in the distance, yells) WHERE'RE THE CHEETOS?
Gaz: THEY'RE RIGHT NEXT TO YOU!
Zim: I cast a spell!
Dib: WHERE'S THE MOUNTAIN DEW?
Gaz: IN THE FRIDGE, DUH!
Zim: (whining) I wanna cast a spell!
Dib: CAN I HAVE A MOUNTAIN DEW?
Gaz: YES, YOU CAN HAVE A MOUNTAIN DEW!! JUST GO GET IT!
Zim: I can cast any of these, right? On the list?
Gaz: Yeah, any of the first level ones.
Dib: I'M GONNA GET A SODA, ANYONE WANT ONE? HEY GAZ, I'M NOT IN THE ROOM, RIGHT?
Gaz: WHAT ROOM?
Zim: I wanna cast: MAGIC MISSILE!
Dib: THE ONE WHERE HE'S CASTING ALL THESE SPELLS FROM!
Gaz: HE HASN'T CAST ANYTHING YET!
Zim: I am though if you'd listen! (happy) I'm casting: magic missile!
Gaz: (confused) Why are you casting magic missile? There's nothing to attack here.!
Zim:.......I...I'm attacking the darkness!
(all laugh)
Gaz: (calming down, still chuckling) Fine, fine-you attack the darkness. There's an elf in front of you.
Iggins: (paying more attention) Whoa, whoa, whoa.that'th me, right?
Gaz: He's wearing a brown tunic; he has grey hair, and blue eyes.
Iggins: No I don't-I have grey eyeth!
Gaz: ..Lemme see that sheet..(reaches for a paper on Iggin's desk)
Iggins: Well, it thays..well it thays I have blue eyeth, but I wanted grey eyeth.!
Gaz: (sighs, irritated) Whatever-Ok, you guys can talk to each other now if you want.
(silence)
Zim: .ehm.HEL-lo.
Iggins: Hello!
Zim: I am Galstaff, sorcerer of life!
Iggins: Then why did you have to catht "magic mithil?"
(all laugh again)
Gaz: (changes mood) You, you, you, uh----you guys are being attacked!
Dib: CAN I SEE THAT HAPPENING?
Gaz: NO, YOU'RE OUTSIDE, BY THE TAVERN!
Dib: COOL! I GET DRUNK!
Gaz: (sighs) (ignores and reads off Iggin's screen) There are seven ogres surrounding you.
Iggins: How could they thurround uth? I had Morgan'th Kindneth Faithful Watchdog cast!
Gaz: No you didn't,
Dib: (still in distance) I'M GETTING DRUNK! ..ARE THEY'RE ANY GIRLS THERE?
Iggins: I TOTALLY did! You athked me if I wanted any more equipment for thith adventure, and I thaid: 'No, but I need material componenth to all my thpells! Tho I castht Morgan'th Kindneth Faithful Watchdog!
Gaz: But you never actually cast it!!
Dib: ROLL THE DICE TO SEE IF I'M GETTING DRUNK!
Gaz: (growls, picks up two di, and rolls them, without caring what showed up) YEAH, YOU ARE!!
Dib: ARE THERE ANY GIRLS THERE..?
Gaz: (irritated more) YES!!
Iggins: (still arguing) But I did though! I completely thaid when you athked me-
Gaz: (rounds on him) No you didn't! YOU DIDN'T ACTUALLY CAST THE SPELL, SO NOW THERE'RE OGRES OK?!!!?!?!
Dib: OGRES?! MAN, I GOT AN OGRE SLAYING KNIFE-IT'S GOTTA +9 AGAINST OGRES!
Gaz: (still frustrated and angry) YOU'RE NOT THERE, YOU'RE GETTING DRUNK!!
Dib: OK, BUT IF THEY'RE ANY GIRLS THERE, I WANNA JUMP THEM!!
There you have it: a frightening look into America's most frightening pastime. Remember: it's not the children's fault for being drawn into a satanic world of nightmare, it's their Gym Teacher's fault,-for making them feel like outcasts when they couldn't do even one single pull-up.
Gaz: (reading off Zim's screen) "Galstaff, you have entered the door to the North. You are now by yourself, standing in a dark room. The pungent stench of mildew emanates from the wet, dungeon walls."
Dib: (slightly in the distance, yells) WHERE'RE THE CHEETOS?
Gaz: THEY'RE RIGHT NEXT TO YOU!
Zim: I cast a spell!
Dib: WHERE'S THE MOUNTAIN DEW?
Gaz: IN THE FRIDGE, DUH!
Zim: (whining) I wanna cast a spell!
Dib: CAN I HAVE A MOUNTAIN DEW?
Gaz: YES, YOU CAN HAVE A MOUNTAIN DEW!! JUST GO GET IT!
Zim: I can cast any of these, right? On the list?
Gaz: Yeah, any of the first level ones.
Dib: I'M GONNA GET A SODA, ANYONE WANT ONE? HEY GAZ, I'M NOT IN THE ROOM, RIGHT?
Gaz: WHAT ROOM?
Zim: I wanna cast: MAGIC MISSILE!
Dib: THE ONE WHERE HE'S CASTING ALL THESE SPELLS FROM!
Gaz: HE HASN'T CAST ANYTHING YET!
Zim: I am though if you'd listen! (happy) I'm casting: magic missile!
Gaz: (confused) Why are you casting magic missile? There's nothing to attack here.!
Zim:.......I...I'm attacking the darkness!
(all laugh)
Gaz: (calming down, still chuckling) Fine, fine-you attack the darkness. There's an elf in front of you.
Iggins: (paying more attention) Whoa, whoa, whoa.that'th me, right?
Gaz: He's wearing a brown tunic; he has grey hair, and blue eyes.
Iggins: No I don't-I have grey eyeth!
Gaz: ..Lemme see that sheet..(reaches for a paper on Iggin's desk)
Iggins: Well, it thays..well it thays I have blue eyeth, but I wanted grey eyeth.!
Gaz: (sighs, irritated) Whatever-Ok, you guys can talk to each other now if you want.
(silence)
Zim: .ehm.HEL-lo.
Iggins: Hello!
Zim: I am Galstaff, sorcerer of life!
Iggins: Then why did you have to catht "magic mithil?"
(all laugh again)
Gaz: (changes mood) You, you, you, uh----you guys are being attacked!
Dib: CAN I SEE THAT HAPPENING?
Gaz: NO, YOU'RE OUTSIDE, BY THE TAVERN!
Dib: COOL! I GET DRUNK!
Gaz: (sighs) (ignores and reads off Iggin's screen) There are seven ogres surrounding you.
Iggins: How could they thurround uth? I had Morgan'th Kindneth Faithful Watchdog cast!
Gaz: No you didn't,
Dib: (still in distance) I'M GETTING DRUNK! ..ARE THEY'RE ANY GIRLS THERE?
Iggins: I TOTALLY did! You athked me if I wanted any more equipment for thith adventure, and I thaid: 'No, but I need material componenth to all my thpells! Tho I castht Morgan'th Kindneth Faithful Watchdog!
Gaz: But you never actually cast it!!
Dib: ROLL THE DICE TO SEE IF I'M GETTING DRUNK!
Gaz: (growls, picks up two di, and rolls them, without caring what showed up) YEAH, YOU ARE!!
Dib: ARE THERE ANY GIRLS THERE..?
Gaz: (irritated more) YES!!
Iggins: (still arguing) But I did though! I completely thaid when you athked me-
Gaz: (rounds on him) No you didn't! YOU DIDN'T ACTUALLY CAST THE SPELL, SO NOW THERE'RE OGRES OK?!!!?!?!
Dib: OGRES?! MAN, I GOT AN OGRE SLAYING KNIFE-IT'S GOTTA +9 AGAINST OGRES!
Gaz: (still frustrated and angry) YOU'RE NOT THERE, YOU'RE GETTING DRUNK!!
Dib: OK, BUT IF THEY'RE ANY GIRLS THERE, I WANNA JUMP THEM!!
There you have it: a frightening look into America's most frightening pastime. Remember: it's not the children's fault for being drawn into a satanic world of nightmare, it's their Gym Teacher's fault,-for making them feel like outcasts when they couldn't do even one single pull-up.