* Author: blue
* Email: blueweber@hotmail.com
* Genre: Drama/Angst/Romance
* Summary: Born in a war torn era in Japan, a young girl witness the death of her family and
clan to the hands of hatred, greed and power. Taken in by a mountain shrine, she becomes a
miko of healing. That is, until a wondering and disillusioned assassin breaks through her
peaceful world. Wounded and seeking revenge, he unwittingly finds himself depending on the
aid of the priestess to help heal him from his wounds. There an adventure begins and a
story that echoes through time with magick and mystery. (Sesshoumaru/Kagome)
* Rated: PG-13 (for violence and other contents)
The Kimono She Wore
******************
.blue.
The mountain streams flows,
Breaking through the ice.
The strength of fluid steel
Carries the scent of winter
through the lands.
.Part V.
(Realizations, Heart's Discovery)
"Donna itoshisa ni mitasarete mo
Kurushimi wa aru"
(No matter how much one is filled with affection
There is suffering)
--Kanashimi ni Tamesarete mo/
Even When Tried by Sorrow
(Rurouni Kenshin)
Hesitation seemed to be the most likely mood she was in whenever she was about to
approach Sesshoumaru these days. His words and actions had left her uncertain of many
things in her life, especially after that night when she had revealed her own name to him
under the clear, sunset skies. It had been but two days since the arrival of the dove that
was sent to take her once more into the outside world. Soon, as soon as possible, the note
seemed to beg and following the urgency of that note, their preparations for the trip began
and was now, nearly complete.
She had gathered her apprentices already, picking out the ones who would come with
her and those who would stay behind. Assuring herself that nothing had changed since the
last time she went down the mountain, and even if things were different, Sesshoumaru was the
least likely cause of it all. Kagome was bent on completing the task presented to her by
the coming of the dove as quickly and as efficiently as she had always done so before.
Soon, Sesshoumaru would be well enough to travel again anyway; in fact he was so now. When
he is gone, life in the shrine would return to what it had been before and nothing would be
different.
Nothing.
They would leave for the village in two days and there were still herbs to be
gathered before their departure. However, it was telling Sesshoumaru of her soon to be
absence that bothered her. Somehow, a part of her did not wish to leave him without a
proper goodbye between the two of them, and if he was to truly to leave and to return to the
outside world, she hoped she would be there to see him off. These strange desires gnawed at
her for the last two nights, taking away precious hours of dreaming. They had barely spoken
to each other since that fateful night, her avoiding him and him respecting the distance she
was trying to put between them. It would be alright soon, Kagome repeated to herself again,
when he's gone my mind will no longer be in turmoil.
Her heart bumped clumsily against her ribcage, and she touched that part of her
chest cautiously, fingers spreading over her miko robes and skin. She felt the dampness of
her sweat on her clothes, the clamminess of her flesh beneath her hand. The feeling of the
gentle thudding of her heart at the thought of Sesshoumaru before her caused her further
agitation. "Baka," she whispered as she took a deep breath to try to calm herself.
Whatever happened will change nothing, it can't change anything because if it does...
Kagome didn't want to dwell on it anymore and forced her thoughts from that path.
Healers and their wards will have no more the relationship beyond the welfare of the
patient's recovery. Her job was almost done where Sesshoumaru was concerned and she needed
to think on it no longer once he was gone. He will have no effect on her life or her
thoughts anymore. It had always been like that before with the others, and it will remain
that way. Stubbornly clinging to that belief, she slowly moved her hand from her chest, her
fingers lightly scraping against the white material of her clothing before she rested them
onto her lap once more.
"It's so hot!" Miya exclaimed a little bit down the walkway. The other's loud
voice drifted, traveling even to Kagome's ear, momentarily distracting the older woman from
her own, unwanted musings.
"I don't know how the Chiisai Kawa-sama can look so composed in this weather,"
Tenoko complained, glancing towards Kagome with an envious frown on her reddened face. "She
and our *guest* are the only ones who seemed to be unruffled by this horrid weather. Oh,
Miya-chan," Tenoko cried dramatically, "when shall we overcome this torturous heat that
burns my very soul?"
Kagome had to smile slightly at this, amused by the antics of her young apprentices.
"Tenoko no baka," Miya sighed while rolling her eyes skyward. "Anyway, our Chiisai
Kawa-sama is probably cut from the same material as our guest. They are both beyond our
mortal reach, I'm telling you," Miya said in a confident voice. Kagome raised a brow at
this, noting how the others probably realized that she was eavesdropping.
Tenoko raised a brow at Miya's attempts to flatter their Chiisai Kawa, and was
determined not to be outdone by the other. "Baka, that's what I said already." Tenoko
complained with a huff at her friend.
Laughter radiated throughout the shrine as Kagome begun to rise from her previous
perch near on the steps that led to the courtyard, her heart feeling all of a sudden
lighter, thanks to her friends. That's right, she thought to herself, I have my apprentices
and other mikos here with me. Kagome gently touched her damp forehead to wipe away the
beaded sweat that left much of her bangs to cling to her skin. Sesshoumaru can't change my
love for them, no one can. Satisfied that she had resolved her emotions at last, Kagome
decided with a disdainful shake of her head that it was time for a cool bath, that is, if
the shades of the pine trees had protected the small lake some ways in the forest from the
scorching sun overhead.
Now, all she needs to worry about is going to the village and telling Sesshoumaru
that he's stay was almost up. After that, he can decide whatever path he has in mind. At
this thought, Kagome frowned slightly. Come to think of it, Sesshoumaru probably wants
revenge on whoever did this to him. This new idea brought an ominous feeling that overcame
her earlier happiness, dampening her exuberance.
I'll have to speak to him about that, Kagome thought to herself. Sesshoumaru's
determined golden eyes flashed before her in her thoughts, his face set in a stony, cool
expression that told her much about his stubbornness. Oh, it's going to be a difficult
battle, Kagome realized. She just hoped that she had enough sense and him as well, to get
him off of that road towards self-destruction. Whatever his past may be, revenge will bring
him no honor and Sesshoumaru, by no doubt in Kagome's mind, was a man of great dignity and
honor.
He may be a cold fish, but he has a heart--
Kagome paused at the realization of another's presence next to her own and she
shifted her head to greet the smiling face looking down to her own. "Yohiko-dono?" This
was the miko who had long ago found her on the steps of the shrine. She was in her late
forties now, and her health was still amazingly well.
Great eyes of the deepest brown searched her own, "Our guest is healing, little
one." Yohiko looked thoughtfully at her, "You probably noticed this, and you will probably
speak to him about his course for the future, am I right?" Yohiko's slyness and keen
observations never ceased to amaze Kagome.
Kagome smiled at the elder miko sheepishly, "Aa, you always knew me best next to the
Chiisai Kawa-sama, Yohiko-dono."
"Hm, but you are the Chiisai Kawa now, little one." Yohiko reminded her with a sad
smile, "And what a wonderful heir you've become. Naru would've been proud to have seen you
become so great a leader." Naru was the real name of the late Chiisai Kawa and no one
called her that except Yohiko. After years of being the Naru's apprentice and finally
taking on the mantle of miko-hood in the shrine, the older woman had earned the right to
call the late Chiisai Kawa by her real name.
"Thank you, Yohiko-dono." Kagome answered quietly.
The other studied her profile as moments of silenced lapsed between them. "Ah, that
young man weighs heavily on your mind, does he not?" Yohiko commented, noting the blush of
embarrassment on Kagome's face when the younger miko turned to her sharply at those careless
words.
"Is it so obvious?" Kagome asked with wide-eyed horror.
Yohiko laughed at this, "Does it matter? I am right, aren't I?" Kagome's silenced
was answer enough for the other. "He would bring you great sorrow, child." Yohiko said
gravely at last with sad eyes, not missing Kagome's bowed head, showing the younger miko's
defeat. "But love is a strange thing, working always against the mind and many times the
heart, as well." Yohiko tapped her head with her forefinger as if to demonstrate. The rich
mass of thick black was showing streaks of grey already, but the older woman's stature was
nonetheless magnificent under the heated summer sun, towering over Kagome still.
"Love?" Kagome gasped. "I- I can't possibly l-love such a man." She sputtered in
outrage and confusion.
Yohiko was tempted to laugh at the younger Chiisai Kawa's expression. After all,
Kagome was inexperienced in the workings of the heart. The child was so naive and
inexperienced when it came to such things, even if her kind gentleness surpassed many. "Ah,
you two are of two polar opposites, totally ironic in your togetherness. Is that what you
were leading yourself to believe, Kagome-chan?"
Of all that resided at the Mountain Stream, only Yohiko still treated Kagome like a
child, at times, with her old endearments. "I am only here to help heal him, Yohiko-dono."
Kagome sighed as she resited her dutiful lines, "That is the job of a healer, no more and
no less. After all, how can I love a man who's name means pure destruction of life--"
Kagome paused in surprise at her own slip, putting a startled hand to cover her lips.
Yohiko did chuckle at this, "And you have told him your name, have you not?" The
elder looked amused at this prospect, "A truly amazing pair you two makes," she said.
"Yohiko-dono!" Kagome admonished her friend and once teacher, "There's nothing
going on between us."
The older woman shrugged, ignoring her protests. "Destruction and protection, a
very interesting pair indeed." Yohiko murmured more to herself than to Kagome, much to the
other's ire.
"Are you even listening to me?" Kagome demanded, losing her cool and reverting back
to the ways of her childhood but ten years ago. It was so easy with Yohiko, too easy to go
back acting like an inexperienced youth who would let her passions for life take control of
her.
"Maa, maa," Yohiko gently admonished the flustered and frustrated Chiisai Kawa.
"You're raising your voice too much, Kagome-chan. I may be old but I am not deaf, child."
Kagome could only sigh at this tiredly, "Yohiko-dono," she said, grasping the
other's shoulders with a determined light in her eyes. "Please, leave this subject be. It
can never happen, and it will never work. Whatever his name is, whatever his past, I know
from the look in his eyes and the feel of his aura, that he doesn't belong here. And I do,
Yohiko-dono, I do."
"Are you so sure, child?" Yohiko asked kindly, watching Kagome's wide-eyed surprise
as their gazes met and clashed. The Chiisai Kawa's hands fell away at the onslaught of
emotions brought out by such an unexpected question. "Even the Chiisai Kawa carries the
burden of the past. She too needs to heal and be taught to carry the weight of her scars.
Naru taught you long ago that when the time is right, those who are ready would leave this
hidden place and learn to fly again. You are no different, Kagome-chan." Kagome looked to
her mentor and friend with wide-eyed wonder. The girl had obviously never thought about
this before, her breath quickened at the possibilities this meant but as quickly as they
came, they were dismissed. "Honor, duty, all the things you so treasure and worry over, I
can see them in your eyes, Kagome-chan." Yohiko continued, "But your honor and duty is not
to this shrine, but to your own life and those that you love."
"Those that I love are here, Yohiko-dono." Kagome insisted softly, her ire gone.
"Oh?" Yohiko asked, "And what of Inuyasha? You were so willing to leave those
years ago just for him."
"I was a child then," Kagome said after the silence of sorrow fell over her again at
the memories of the past.
"Yes, you were a child then, not yet fully healed to take on the burden of life if
exposed to the outside world." Yohiko agreed kindly, "But you have grown up, Kagome-chan,
to become a strong woman." Brown eyes met her own and held her gaze, "Love does not end
with a man, Kagome-chan, it ends when your heart ends, it ends when your life ends, and
sometimes, not even then." Yohiko raised the head of the only daughter she had ever known,
gently touching the other's cheek. This child had been a blessing to them all at the
Mountain Stream and now it was time to push her a little so that she could learn to fly
again. "You thought that the boy was your last brush with your heart, did you not? Ah, but
you are uncertain now. Love takes on many forms, Kagome-chan, and it is not just one
singular feeling, one singular loyalty that it expresses itself through. Instead, it goes
on and on, like the stream that flows over the stones in its path, love changes with the
course of time, the different people you care for, and those that deserves its attention.
He may be your second chance, this man who reeks of death, and more importantly," Yohiko
continued, cutting off whatever protests that was on the tip of Kagome's tongue, "You are
his second chance to a life that is not a cycle of death and destruction, hm? The past is
over, Kagome-chan, when you realize that, you will learn to love again."
Under the oppressive heat and surrounded by the summer bugs' song, Kagome looked
dazedly at her elder mentor. Silenced in her thoughts of both the past and the present,
Kagome tried desperately to find herself and the truth buried in the depth of her forbidden
heart.
One drop of water finally made it past the mouth of the stone dragon, falling into
the bamboo-pipe -- a defiant act against the scorching sun. The ripples parted ways when it
landed, touching every surface.
* * *
Sesshoumaru relented the training he was putting his body through and straightened
under the shade of the ancient pines over head. Still, the air radiated heat and sweat
clung to his body like a second skin, shining under the few rays of sunlight that glittered
past the thousand green needles of the pines overhead.
The forest was in a lazy silence, and the occasional breeze, stiff and warm, felt
oddly comforting. Sesshoumaru sighed as he straightened, the bokken that the priestess of
the shrine had offered him for his stay at the shrine was gripped firmly in his hands, even
when he dropped his arms in a much more relaxed stance. The old woman abstained with a kind
and clueless smile when he demanded for his own weaponry, giving him, instead, this bokken
to practice with. He could tell she had purposely refused him, even if she was acting dumb
about it. Still, he was grateful that the bokken they gave him was heavier than most --
weighing almost like a real kantana -- it was not made of wood except for its handle,
instead, it gleamed white. Ivory, they called it, but the fancy name made no difference to
him, it was still made out of bones. A suitable weapon, he thought with grim distaste, for
a killer.
Sliding the weapon past the sash around his waist, Sesshoumaru then proceeded to don
back his gi that hung from the same sash that now held his bone-sword. Muscles rippled as
he straightened his clothing and proceeded to return to the temporary sanctuary the shrine
provided for him. The bandage around his torsol would soon be gone, though the Chiisai Kawa
was sure to admonish him to keep the white bandages on for just a little longer than was
necessary, as a precaution. Sesshoumaru was amused by her needless concern, the woman was
aware of his astoundingly fast healing powers for the almost inhuman gift was a trait that
ran within his family. Father always said that it was a sign from the gods that their lives
will be filled with pain and suffering, along with the accomplishment of great-deeds.
Whatever it was, the Chiisai Kawa still refused. Thinking on her made him aware of
his earlier disturbing observation of the sudden activity bursting in the shrine. After the
arrival of that bird, everything had gone into motion. Soon, the Chiisai Kawa had told him,
she and the few chosen miko and apprentices would journey down the mountain to visit the
rest of the world once more.
Raising his head to look at the pale sky peeking through the trees, he noticed how
it had greyed and the sun was no longer seen. Odd, he had not sensed the storm till now
when his nose was filled with the sudden breeze of rain. One drop fell from the opening
above his head and splashed brazenly against his cheek, sliding down his skin in a liquid
kiss. Frowning, Sesshoumaru blinked at the specks of water that had splattered into his eye
upon contact, whipping away the evidence from his skin with his hand.
Sighing, he turned to head back for the temple. Not that he could escape the sudden
downpour, Sesshoumaru noted with half a sigh, the only indication of his irritation. The
fat drops fell more and more heavily against the thin needles of the pines, sending dust and
liquid every which way once it reached the ground, and the scent of damp-earth permeated the
air at the onslaught. The mists began to rise from the sun-baked grounds as he walked on
through the forest, stubbornly refusing to acknowledge that he had somewhat lost his way.
Sesshoumaru though, soon caught a glimpse of a shadowed silhouette as he continued his
search for the shrine in the rain, realizing as he cautiously neared the figure that the
person was kneeling on the wet grounds. Dark-hair, held back in a pony-tail as white-red
miko robes adorned her figure identified her immediately, especially with that piercing ki
he had sensed being emitted from her earlier.
"Chiisai Kawa," he murmured in slight annoyance as well as surprised amusement. It
seems like he was forever running into her in the strangest of places. Not that she hadn't
been trying to avoid him the past few days, but he did not mind since he never intentionally
ran into her.
Dark waters rippled in his memories as he watched her bathe those weeks ago, but he
shook away such thoughts as well when he watched her straighten, seeing stray daisies and
daffadiles, as well as an assortment of other flowers in her hands. He had not thought the
Chiisai Kawa was so silly and young as to resort to flower-picking as a hobby, but before he
could continue his scorn, he watched her lift her head and straighten her back at his voice.
Without turning, she addressed him, her hands limply holding onto grey-green stems, "I did
not expect to find you here, Sesshoumaru."
The rain fell around them, drenching their clothing and running down the strands of
their hair in tiny streams of gathered liquid. "Nor did I since I do not know where here
is," he replied at last, reluctant to admit how lost he had been before he had stumbled upon
her. Having expected her to laugh at him, her silence made Sesshoumaru uneasy.
The Chiisai Kawa shifted slightly before him and it was then he saw the three head
stones that her body was obstructing earlier. Graves, and now he had his answer to his
previous question of why she would waste time picking flowers. It was all for the dead,
apparently. "Wasting life for death?" He asked amused. "Surprising for someone whose name
means divine protection. Ne, Kagome?"
She froze at the reference before speaking again, "You would know, wouldn't you?"
Sesshoumaru might have had a haughty and sarcastic remark to her sharp reply had he
not froze at the names he saw engraved on the stones before him. "Inu... yasha," he
whispered in disbelief.
The Chiisai Kawa looked to him sharply then, "You know him?" There was a lilt of
surprise and hope in her voice and those wide blue eyes.
At this Sesshoumaru gave a sardonic bark of laughter, "Know him?" He inquired with
amusement, "No," his features fallen into seriousness once again, confusing the woman before
him with the fluctuations of his moods. "He was my half-brother, but I never had the chance
to get to know him." There was bitterness in his voice, but it was the gasp of shock
falling from the lips of the Chiisai Kawa that drenched the earth like the falling waters
from overhead. "Did you know him?" Sesshoumaru asked in the silence of the grey skies
above, trying to lift the veil between them and not quite certain of his own intentions.
"Inuyasha?" There was a distant look in her greying eyes that matched the storm
overhead. "Yes," she breathed, "enough to wish I didn't." Her bitterness though was not
lost to him.
"So, the bitch died with him, did she?" Sesshoumaru inclined his head to the other
headstone, changing the subject to ease the pain he heard in her voice. Surprising himself
at how considerate he was acting, he decided to question himself on this later when he was
alone again to figure out his own emotions.
The eyes of the Chiisai Kawa narrowed in anger, so fast she moved that even he did
not see the slap coming though he sensed it nonetheless. Sesshoumaru's face stung, and when
he turned to her in his righteous anger, her shadowed face marred by rain stopped him.
"You're crying for... her?" Sesshoumaru asked surprised. It was not just rain that ran
rivulets down her smooth cheeks, skin that was slowly turning from pale-white to gold from
her hours outside with the other mikos, picking herbs, practicing archery and meditating
under the grove of the sakura trees.
Even after all these years, Sesshoumaru realized in that moment he still did not
understand women, least of all the Chiisai Kawa. How can anyone, especially someone like
the Chiisai Kawa, honestly like that selfish, weak, and conceited fool of a woman? The
woman who was the very cause of his father's downfall and the downfall of the household
entire could not ever be forgiven. The woman who broke Mother's heart, who ran away like
the coward she was and left his father to die alone. That worthless--
"Oh you make me so angry!" The woman before him raged, "She was one of the kindest
women I have ever had the privilege to meet, so don't you dare disgrace her name before her
very grave!" He had never seen the Chiisai Kawa enraged, and her anger was as magnificent
as it was powerful, if not but a little bit childish. Any lesser man might have been
terrified or, at the very least, surprised, but Sesshoumaru looked down at her clutched
fists and drenched hair, hair that hid her eyes from him at that moment and he had the
strangest urge to see the fire burning in those calm depth. He had at first thought this
woman was no more than a cold fish, calm and without feelings beyond pain, sorrow, solitude,
and peace, but now he was witnessing emotions of passion, even if it were senseless anger
directed at him.
For once in Sesshoumaru's life, he was truly fascinated by a woman.
"Tell me, Kagome," he said at last. Her eyes widened and she raised those ever
changing orbs to meet his calm ones, it was the first time he called her by her real name
since that fateful night, "What was so wonderful about the woman who killed my father, her
own husband?"
The horrified surprise in her eyes at his words confused even him, wondering what
she felt and wanting to elicit more reactions from this fascinating creature before him.
"Bastard," she whispered, her whole body tense from holding back another physical strike to
scold him. His cheek still stung from the earlier slap she bestowed upon him as he
continued to watch her under the falling rain, watching the anger return to her eyes.
"Lies! How can you accuse her of crimes when she is already dead?"
Laziness came over his features as he observed her, hiding his interest in her and
his hatred for the dead woman she was defending. "Lies?" Sesshoumaru looked bemused, "I
was there when she accomplished her task as the spy. I was there when she ran away with my
half-brother still, but a babe, after killing the two people I loved above all else. I was
there." So many memories he wished he did not have to remember, this woman brought them
back. In that moment he hated her a little too, wanting to hurt her with his words as she
did him with her presence, "I don't think you have a right to judge people you do not know
-- those monsters with mortal faces."
For a long time she was silent, collecting her scattered emotions before raising her
eyes to meet his once more. "You would know, wouldn't you, Sesshoumaru?" Her mocking tone
made him narrow his eyes as he fought back the urge to hit her. Never had he wish to hurt a
woman so badly, but he growled a warning low in his throat instead, glaring at her with his
slanted, amber eyes. She did not even flinch under his stare, instead she turned her head
and looked to the stones, "I'd like to believe that Inuyasha's still alive," she said at
last. "Your brother never returned from his journey, breaking his promise to me."
Sesshoumaru blinked at her, not quite sure why she was telling him this. Then he
blinked again, noting her guilty, downcast gaze and saw that it was her way of apologizing
for her earlier words. "Aa," he followed her gaze. "I did not know he would grow to be an
oath breaker."
"Better that than dead," she said at last and he turned to see the trailing rain
that fell like tears along her cheeks, but the woman next to him was obviously through with
crying. Her fists were clenched tightly as if she could physically hold back the pain that
she was experiencing, her eyes were now, once again, a part of the shadows and the dull,
dewy waters.
"Aa," Sesshoumaru agreed. This woman who was able to turn his emotions in every
which way, disturbed him. No one has ever affected him so, at least none that Sesshoumaru
could recall. "You loved him, didn't you?" Sesshoumaru never knew why he asked, never knew
why his insides burned at the thought that his idiotic half-brother would leave such a
powerful woman behind for the outside world when he had her heart. But he had asked and
Kagome, the woman with so many hidden secrets continued to look at the gravestones with her
eyes averted from his.
"Yes," She turned from him again, but this time her eyes were not for him. Instead
she looked past him to the mist and trees, past the summer rain that continued to fall
around them unendingly. "A long time ago."
The water splashed against the green tipped needles overhead, sharp with the scent
of days gone past.
* * *
Tears, so many tears that she could not shed.
Kagome stood before the single gravestone, silent in her grief, her face dry and her
eyes the color of dove-grey, grey as the tearful clouds and sad mornings. Before her a
youthful boy with hair of silver-white and wide, wild eyes stared down at the ground. His
shoulders shook with his own sobs as she neared him from behind, young hands reaching to
comfort. He turned, sensing her approach with that terrible light of anger and fear in his
eyes, slapping away the only comfort she could give him then. He did not see the tears that
came in that single moment of rejection, tears that clouded in her eyes for him and no one
else, tears she could not shed for the woman he had lost. They were tears she could not
share with him in his despair, now becoming hers only for a different reason than the one he
used to grieve. Yet still they did not fall.
"Inu... yasha?" She whispered with pain in her voice.
He did not see her or hear her, his eyes blind as he turned and punched the pine
behind the gravestone. "What happened here?" He growled through the pain she was certain
that he was feeling, be it his heart or his body.
"S-she didn't make it, Inuyasha. She didn't have the will to go on, not after..."
her voice trailed off then, drowning in her guilt. It was her fault that she was not as
skilled as the Chiisai Kawa-sama who had left with Inuyasha and a few other mikos to visit
the village but a week past. When the party returned, Inuyasha's young mother had already
died. Oh, but Kagome knew how close she was to saving the woman, so close that...
No, not that, she mustn't think of that!
"Why did she leave me? Was I such a horrible son?" Inuyasha's head was bowed as
his body shook at his own words, snapping her out of her wavering thoughts. "Was I too
weak, too naive to keep her safe?" And she heard the dark and angry grief in his voice when
he screamed out for his lost mother, lost to the living world, and lost to them both.
Too much, she thought and she lunged at him then, knowing he would refuse her again
but wanting, needing to comfort him still. "Inuyasha!" She tightened her grasp around his
waist, felt the blow of his elbows and feet when he struggled to be free from her grasp, but
she refused to let him go. When he settled at last, panting with exhaustion, it was then
that she felt safe enough to bury her face into his gi, knowing he could not see her
pleading eyes. "It wasn't your fault, Inuyasha. It wasn't you fault." her grip tightened
around him when he swore. Her whole body felt beaten and worn and so very tired at that
time, "It's alright, it's not your fault. She loved you, said so even in the end. She
wanted to see your face but it was not something we could have done, there was nothing we
could have done. No one is at fault." Kagome wasn't sure who she was trying to convince
then, him or herself. If only I hadn't said yes, if only I was prepared a little better for
her impossible request, if only I could have saved her for him, she thought. Kagome felt
guilt weighing heavily onto her limbs and had a hard time keeping her hold on him without
collapsing completely. Her head throbbed from Inuyasha's earlier blows, as did her knees
and her arms.
"I didn't get to say goodbye," he said at last. "I didn't even get to say goodbye,
damnit!" Hot tears splattered against her hands, surprising her at the feel of them against
her skin.
She turned her face against his back, pressing her guilt against the red cloth that
separated them, her ear resting in between his shoulder blades as she listened to her own
labored breathing and the thump of his heart beating steadily. The dry sob of sorrow was
caught in her throat, choking her words as she spoke of her guilty heart. "I'm sorry," she
whispered then. "I'm so sorry," whether or not he understood her apology, she never knew.
Not then or ever would she learn of how he had felt about her words that day under the great
pines, branches stretched overhead. She had waited for him for over five years now, still
he had not returned to answer her silent questions on that day.
The day after their scuffle by his mother's grave, Kagome had watched him walk down
the steps of the shrine that led to the outside world, past the red torii gateway with a
half-hearted promise to return as she looked on into the mists. Her heart shattered into a
million pieces under the weight of her grief and her guilt as she watched him disappear
forever from her world. She felt rejected and lost without him in the fog that had settled
over the Mountain Stream.
But that was what she deserved, for she was a murderer after all -- the murderer of
his own mother. I didn't even get to tell him that I loved him, Kagome thought in the end
and still thought after all the years gone past. Isn't that a strange and poetic justice to
my own incompetence? If she ever laughed bitterly at anything it would be this. For their
ending was not an ending at all, just an unfinished, sad story, opened with no closure for
all of eternity.
"Sayonara, Inuyasha."
Her gentle whisper was left unheard, drifting like the first snowflake that
disappeared into the melting warmth of despair.
to be continued....
******************************************************************************************
The poem at the beginning is mine :)
This part is split into two since it's so long and I would like the length of each part to
be similar to all parts throughout the story. Sorry for the delay, I had to rewrite the
whole part again because I was unsatisfied with the first draft. But it was worth it right?
I mean, Sesshoumaru, bare-chested and practicing swordplay ;) Oh, that sounded wrong ^-^;;
This is the first part of chapter 5, the second part will be coming soon ;)
* Aa - an expression of agreement, yes
* Baka - idiot, stupid
* -dono - more formal than -san, less formal than -sama
* Gi - the "shirt" worn by men during the time of ancient Japan
* Maa - Used to appease anger, ie. "Alright now" or "Settle down" or "Sure, sure"
* Sayonara - Goodbye, farewell
* Tenoko no baka - "Tenoko is an idiot" or "Tenoko, you idiot!"
Thank you to all of you who reviewed! I no longer have free reign over the internet like I
did when I was in school, so I can't give out personal messages anymore :( For those of you
who sent me emails, thank you so much for taking time out of your day! I just haven't had
the time to reply ;_; I'm sorry! But I really do appreciate it. For those of you who
thinks Kagome is like Kikyou, well, if you really think about it, they are the same person
^-^;; I mixed them up because I think Kagome would be like this if she was put in a
situation like the one she is in. A mixture of modern Kagome and old Kikyou -- before she
became a walking corpse that is. Well, I hope this explains it! And if you are wondering
about what happened to Inuyasha's mother... all will be revealed in time ;)
Hope you enjoyed this part!
blue ^-^
* Email: blueweber@hotmail.com
* Genre: Drama/Angst/Romance
* Summary: Born in a war torn era in Japan, a young girl witness the death of her family and
clan to the hands of hatred, greed and power. Taken in by a mountain shrine, she becomes a
miko of healing. That is, until a wondering and disillusioned assassin breaks through her
peaceful world. Wounded and seeking revenge, he unwittingly finds himself depending on the
aid of the priestess to help heal him from his wounds. There an adventure begins and a
story that echoes through time with magick and mystery. (Sesshoumaru/Kagome)
* Rated: PG-13 (for violence and other contents)
The Kimono She Wore
******************
.blue.
The mountain streams flows,
Breaking through the ice.
The strength of fluid steel
Carries the scent of winter
through the lands.
.Part V.
(Realizations, Heart's Discovery)
"Donna itoshisa ni mitasarete mo
Kurushimi wa aru"
(No matter how much one is filled with affection
There is suffering)
--Kanashimi ni Tamesarete mo/
Even When Tried by Sorrow
(Rurouni Kenshin)
Hesitation seemed to be the most likely mood she was in whenever she was about to
approach Sesshoumaru these days. His words and actions had left her uncertain of many
things in her life, especially after that night when she had revealed her own name to him
under the clear, sunset skies. It had been but two days since the arrival of the dove that
was sent to take her once more into the outside world. Soon, as soon as possible, the note
seemed to beg and following the urgency of that note, their preparations for the trip began
and was now, nearly complete.
She had gathered her apprentices already, picking out the ones who would come with
her and those who would stay behind. Assuring herself that nothing had changed since the
last time she went down the mountain, and even if things were different, Sesshoumaru was the
least likely cause of it all. Kagome was bent on completing the task presented to her by
the coming of the dove as quickly and as efficiently as she had always done so before.
Soon, Sesshoumaru would be well enough to travel again anyway; in fact he was so now. When
he is gone, life in the shrine would return to what it had been before and nothing would be
different.
Nothing.
They would leave for the village in two days and there were still herbs to be
gathered before their departure. However, it was telling Sesshoumaru of her soon to be
absence that bothered her. Somehow, a part of her did not wish to leave him without a
proper goodbye between the two of them, and if he was to truly to leave and to return to the
outside world, she hoped she would be there to see him off. These strange desires gnawed at
her for the last two nights, taking away precious hours of dreaming. They had barely spoken
to each other since that fateful night, her avoiding him and him respecting the distance she
was trying to put between them. It would be alright soon, Kagome repeated to herself again,
when he's gone my mind will no longer be in turmoil.
Her heart bumped clumsily against her ribcage, and she touched that part of her
chest cautiously, fingers spreading over her miko robes and skin. She felt the dampness of
her sweat on her clothes, the clamminess of her flesh beneath her hand. The feeling of the
gentle thudding of her heart at the thought of Sesshoumaru before her caused her further
agitation. "Baka," she whispered as she took a deep breath to try to calm herself.
Whatever happened will change nothing, it can't change anything because if it does...
Kagome didn't want to dwell on it anymore and forced her thoughts from that path.
Healers and their wards will have no more the relationship beyond the welfare of the
patient's recovery. Her job was almost done where Sesshoumaru was concerned and she needed
to think on it no longer once he was gone. He will have no effect on her life or her
thoughts anymore. It had always been like that before with the others, and it will remain
that way. Stubbornly clinging to that belief, she slowly moved her hand from her chest, her
fingers lightly scraping against the white material of her clothing before she rested them
onto her lap once more.
"It's so hot!" Miya exclaimed a little bit down the walkway. The other's loud
voice drifted, traveling even to Kagome's ear, momentarily distracting the older woman from
her own, unwanted musings.
"I don't know how the Chiisai Kawa-sama can look so composed in this weather,"
Tenoko complained, glancing towards Kagome with an envious frown on her reddened face. "She
and our *guest* are the only ones who seemed to be unruffled by this horrid weather. Oh,
Miya-chan," Tenoko cried dramatically, "when shall we overcome this torturous heat that
burns my very soul?"
Kagome had to smile slightly at this, amused by the antics of her young apprentices.
"Tenoko no baka," Miya sighed while rolling her eyes skyward. "Anyway, our Chiisai
Kawa-sama is probably cut from the same material as our guest. They are both beyond our
mortal reach, I'm telling you," Miya said in a confident voice. Kagome raised a brow at
this, noting how the others probably realized that she was eavesdropping.
Tenoko raised a brow at Miya's attempts to flatter their Chiisai Kawa, and was
determined not to be outdone by the other. "Baka, that's what I said already." Tenoko
complained with a huff at her friend.
Laughter radiated throughout the shrine as Kagome begun to rise from her previous
perch near on the steps that led to the courtyard, her heart feeling all of a sudden
lighter, thanks to her friends. That's right, she thought to herself, I have my apprentices
and other mikos here with me. Kagome gently touched her damp forehead to wipe away the
beaded sweat that left much of her bangs to cling to her skin. Sesshoumaru can't change my
love for them, no one can. Satisfied that she had resolved her emotions at last, Kagome
decided with a disdainful shake of her head that it was time for a cool bath, that is, if
the shades of the pine trees had protected the small lake some ways in the forest from the
scorching sun overhead.
Now, all she needs to worry about is going to the village and telling Sesshoumaru
that he's stay was almost up. After that, he can decide whatever path he has in mind. At
this thought, Kagome frowned slightly. Come to think of it, Sesshoumaru probably wants
revenge on whoever did this to him. This new idea brought an ominous feeling that overcame
her earlier happiness, dampening her exuberance.
I'll have to speak to him about that, Kagome thought to herself. Sesshoumaru's
determined golden eyes flashed before her in her thoughts, his face set in a stony, cool
expression that told her much about his stubbornness. Oh, it's going to be a difficult
battle, Kagome realized. She just hoped that she had enough sense and him as well, to get
him off of that road towards self-destruction. Whatever his past may be, revenge will bring
him no honor and Sesshoumaru, by no doubt in Kagome's mind, was a man of great dignity and
honor.
He may be a cold fish, but he has a heart--
Kagome paused at the realization of another's presence next to her own and she
shifted her head to greet the smiling face looking down to her own. "Yohiko-dono?" This
was the miko who had long ago found her on the steps of the shrine. She was in her late
forties now, and her health was still amazingly well.
Great eyes of the deepest brown searched her own, "Our guest is healing, little
one." Yohiko looked thoughtfully at her, "You probably noticed this, and you will probably
speak to him about his course for the future, am I right?" Yohiko's slyness and keen
observations never ceased to amaze Kagome.
Kagome smiled at the elder miko sheepishly, "Aa, you always knew me best next to the
Chiisai Kawa-sama, Yohiko-dono."
"Hm, but you are the Chiisai Kawa now, little one." Yohiko reminded her with a sad
smile, "And what a wonderful heir you've become. Naru would've been proud to have seen you
become so great a leader." Naru was the real name of the late Chiisai Kawa and no one
called her that except Yohiko. After years of being the Naru's apprentice and finally
taking on the mantle of miko-hood in the shrine, the older woman had earned the right to
call the late Chiisai Kawa by her real name.
"Thank you, Yohiko-dono." Kagome answered quietly.
The other studied her profile as moments of silenced lapsed between them. "Ah, that
young man weighs heavily on your mind, does he not?" Yohiko commented, noting the blush of
embarrassment on Kagome's face when the younger miko turned to her sharply at those careless
words.
"Is it so obvious?" Kagome asked with wide-eyed horror.
Yohiko laughed at this, "Does it matter? I am right, aren't I?" Kagome's silenced
was answer enough for the other. "He would bring you great sorrow, child." Yohiko said
gravely at last with sad eyes, not missing Kagome's bowed head, showing the younger miko's
defeat. "But love is a strange thing, working always against the mind and many times the
heart, as well." Yohiko tapped her head with her forefinger as if to demonstrate. The rich
mass of thick black was showing streaks of grey already, but the older woman's stature was
nonetheless magnificent under the heated summer sun, towering over Kagome still.
"Love?" Kagome gasped. "I- I can't possibly l-love such a man." She sputtered in
outrage and confusion.
Yohiko was tempted to laugh at the younger Chiisai Kawa's expression. After all,
Kagome was inexperienced in the workings of the heart. The child was so naive and
inexperienced when it came to such things, even if her kind gentleness surpassed many. "Ah,
you two are of two polar opposites, totally ironic in your togetherness. Is that what you
were leading yourself to believe, Kagome-chan?"
Of all that resided at the Mountain Stream, only Yohiko still treated Kagome like a
child, at times, with her old endearments. "I am only here to help heal him, Yohiko-dono."
Kagome sighed as she resited her dutiful lines, "That is the job of a healer, no more and
no less. After all, how can I love a man who's name means pure destruction of life--"
Kagome paused in surprise at her own slip, putting a startled hand to cover her lips.
Yohiko did chuckle at this, "And you have told him your name, have you not?" The
elder looked amused at this prospect, "A truly amazing pair you two makes," she said.
"Yohiko-dono!" Kagome admonished her friend and once teacher, "There's nothing
going on between us."
The older woman shrugged, ignoring her protests. "Destruction and protection, a
very interesting pair indeed." Yohiko murmured more to herself than to Kagome, much to the
other's ire.
"Are you even listening to me?" Kagome demanded, losing her cool and reverting back
to the ways of her childhood but ten years ago. It was so easy with Yohiko, too easy to go
back acting like an inexperienced youth who would let her passions for life take control of
her.
"Maa, maa," Yohiko gently admonished the flustered and frustrated Chiisai Kawa.
"You're raising your voice too much, Kagome-chan. I may be old but I am not deaf, child."
Kagome could only sigh at this tiredly, "Yohiko-dono," she said, grasping the
other's shoulders with a determined light in her eyes. "Please, leave this subject be. It
can never happen, and it will never work. Whatever his name is, whatever his past, I know
from the look in his eyes and the feel of his aura, that he doesn't belong here. And I do,
Yohiko-dono, I do."
"Are you so sure, child?" Yohiko asked kindly, watching Kagome's wide-eyed surprise
as their gazes met and clashed. The Chiisai Kawa's hands fell away at the onslaught of
emotions brought out by such an unexpected question. "Even the Chiisai Kawa carries the
burden of the past. She too needs to heal and be taught to carry the weight of her scars.
Naru taught you long ago that when the time is right, those who are ready would leave this
hidden place and learn to fly again. You are no different, Kagome-chan." Kagome looked to
her mentor and friend with wide-eyed wonder. The girl had obviously never thought about
this before, her breath quickened at the possibilities this meant but as quickly as they
came, they were dismissed. "Honor, duty, all the things you so treasure and worry over, I
can see them in your eyes, Kagome-chan." Yohiko continued, "But your honor and duty is not
to this shrine, but to your own life and those that you love."
"Those that I love are here, Yohiko-dono." Kagome insisted softly, her ire gone.
"Oh?" Yohiko asked, "And what of Inuyasha? You were so willing to leave those
years ago just for him."
"I was a child then," Kagome said after the silence of sorrow fell over her again at
the memories of the past.
"Yes, you were a child then, not yet fully healed to take on the burden of life if
exposed to the outside world." Yohiko agreed kindly, "But you have grown up, Kagome-chan,
to become a strong woman." Brown eyes met her own and held her gaze, "Love does not end
with a man, Kagome-chan, it ends when your heart ends, it ends when your life ends, and
sometimes, not even then." Yohiko raised the head of the only daughter she had ever known,
gently touching the other's cheek. This child had been a blessing to them all at the
Mountain Stream and now it was time to push her a little so that she could learn to fly
again. "You thought that the boy was your last brush with your heart, did you not? Ah, but
you are uncertain now. Love takes on many forms, Kagome-chan, and it is not just one
singular feeling, one singular loyalty that it expresses itself through. Instead, it goes
on and on, like the stream that flows over the stones in its path, love changes with the
course of time, the different people you care for, and those that deserves its attention.
He may be your second chance, this man who reeks of death, and more importantly," Yohiko
continued, cutting off whatever protests that was on the tip of Kagome's tongue, "You are
his second chance to a life that is not a cycle of death and destruction, hm? The past is
over, Kagome-chan, when you realize that, you will learn to love again."
Under the oppressive heat and surrounded by the summer bugs' song, Kagome looked
dazedly at her elder mentor. Silenced in her thoughts of both the past and the present,
Kagome tried desperately to find herself and the truth buried in the depth of her forbidden
heart.
One drop of water finally made it past the mouth of the stone dragon, falling into
the bamboo-pipe -- a defiant act against the scorching sun. The ripples parted ways when it
landed, touching every surface.
* * *
Sesshoumaru relented the training he was putting his body through and straightened
under the shade of the ancient pines over head. Still, the air radiated heat and sweat
clung to his body like a second skin, shining under the few rays of sunlight that glittered
past the thousand green needles of the pines overhead.
The forest was in a lazy silence, and the occasional breeze, stiff and warm, felt
oddly comforting. Sesshoumaru sighed as he straightened, the bokken that the priestess of
the shrine had offered him for his stay at the shrine was gripped firmly in his hands, even
when he dropped his arms in a much more relaxed stance. The old woman abstained with a kind
and clueless smile when he demanded for his own weaponry, giving him, instead, this bokken
to practice with. He could tell she had purposely refused him, even if she was acting dumb
about it. Still, he was grateful that the bokken they gave him was heavier than most --
weighing almost like a real kantana -- it was not made of wood except for its handle,
instead, it gleamed white. Ivory, they called it, but the fancy name made no difference to
him, it was still made out of bones. A suitable weapon, he thought with grim distaste, for
a killer.
Sliding the weapon past the sash around his waist, Sesshoumaru then proceeded to don
back his gi that hung from the same sash that now held his bone-sword. Muscles rippled as
he straightened his clothing and proceeded to return to the temporary sanctuary the shrine
provided for him. The bandage around his torsol would soon be gone, though the Chiisai Kawa
was sure to admonish him to keep the white bandages on for just a little longer than was
necessary, as a precaution. Sesshoumaru was amused by her needless concern, the woman was
aware of his astoundingly fast healing powers for the almost inhuman gift was a trait that
ran within his family. Father always said that it was a sign from the gods that their lives
will be filled with pain and suffering, along with the accomplishment of great-deeds.
Whatever it was, the Chiisai Kawa still refused. Thinking on her made him aware of
his earlier disturbing observation of the sudden activity bursting in the shrine. After the
arrival of that bird, everything had gone into motion. Soon, the Chiisai Kawa had told him,
she and the few chosen miko and apprentices would journey down the mountain to visit the
rest of the world once more.
Raising his head to look at the pale sky peeking through the trees, he noticed how
it had greyed and the sun was no longer seen. Odd, he had not sensed the storm till now
when his nose was filled with the sudden breeze of rain. One drop fell from the opening
above his head and splashed brazenly against his cheek, sliding down his skin in a liquid
kiss. Frowning, Sesshoumaru blinked at the specks of water that had splattered into his eye
upon contact, whipping away the evidence from his skin with his hand.
Sighing, he turned to head back for the temple. Not that he could escape the sudden
downpour, Sesshoumaru noted with half a sigh, the only indication of his irritation. The
fat drops fell more and more heavily against the thin needles of the pines, sending dust and
liquid every which way once it reached the ground, and the scent of damp-earth permeated the
air at the onslaught. The mists began to rise from the sun-baked grounds as he walked on
through the forest, stubbornly refusing to acknowledge that he had somewhat lost his way.
Sesshoumaru though, soon caught a glimpse of a shadowed silhouette as he continued his
search for the shrine in the rain, realizing as he cautiously neared the figure that the
person was kneeling on the wet grounds. Dark-hair, held back in a pony-tail as white-red
miko robes adorned her figure identified her immediately, especially with that piercing ki
he had sensed being emitted from her earlier.
"Chiisai Kawa," he murmured in slight annoyance as well as surprised amusement. It
seems like he was forever running into her in the strangest of places. Not that she hadn't
been trying to avoid him the past few days, but he did not mind since he never intentionally
ran into her.
Dark waters rippled in his memories as he watched her bathe those weeks ago, but he
shook away such thoughts as well when he watched her straighten, seeing stray daisies and
daffadiles, as well as an assortment of other flowers in her hands. He had not thought the
Chiisai Kawa was so silly and young as to resort to flower-picking as a hobby, but before he
could continue his scorn, he watched her lift her head and straighten her back at his voice.
Without turning, she addressed him, her hands limply holding onto grey-green stems, "I did
not expect to find you here, Sesshoumaru."
The rain fell around them, drenching their clothing and running down the strands of
their hair in tiny streams of gathered liquid. "Nor did I since I do not know where here
is," he replied at last, reluctant to admit how lost he had been before he had stumbled upon
her. Having expected her to laugh at him, her silence made Sesshoumaru uneasy.
The Chiisai Kawa shifted slightly before him and it was then he saw the three head
stones that her body was obstructing earlier. Graves, and now he had his answer to his
previous question of why she would waste time picking flowers. It was all for the dead,
apparently. "Wasting life for death?" He asked amused. "Surprising for someone whose name
means divine protection. Ne, Kagome?"
She froze at the reference before speaking again, "You would know, wouldn't you?"
Sesshoumaru might have had a haughty and sarcastic remark to her sharp reply had he
not froze at the names he saw engraved on the stones before him. "Inu... yasha," he
whispered in disbelief.
The Chiisai Kawa looked to him sharply then, "You know him?" There was a lilt of
surprise and hope in her voice and those wide blue eyes.
At this Sesshoumaru gave a sardonic bark of laughter, "Know him?" He inquired with
amusement, "No," his features fallen into seriousness once again, confusing the woman before
him with the fluctuations of his moods. "He was my half-brother, but I never had the chance
to get to know him." There was bitterness in his voice, but it was the gasp of shock
falling from the lips of the Chiisai Kawa that drenched the earth like the falling waters
from overhead. "Did you know him?" Sesshoumaru asked in the silence of the grey skies
above, trying to lift the veil between them and not quite certain of his own intentions.
"Inuyasha?" There was a distant look in her greying eyes that matched the storm
overhead. "Yes," she breathed, "enough to wish I didn't." Her bitterness though was not
lost to him.
"So, the bitch died with him, did she?" Sesshoumaru inclined his head to the other
headstone, changing the subject to ease the pain he heard in her voice. Surprising himself
at how considerate he was acting, he decided to question himself on this later when he was
alone again to figure out his own emotions.
The eyes of the Chiisai Kawa narrowed in anger, so fast she moved that even he did
not see the slap coming though he sensed it nonetheless. Sesshoumaru's face stung, and when
he turned to her in his righteous anger, her shadowed face marred by rain stopped him.
"You're crying for... her?" Sesshoumaru asked surprised. It was not just rain that ran
rivulets down her smooth cheeks, skin that was slowly turning from pale-white to gold from
her hours outside with the other mikos, picking herbs, practicing archery and meditating
under the grove of the sakura trees.
Even after all these years, Sesshoumaru realized in that moment he still did not
understand women, least of all the Chiisai Kawa. How can anyone, especially someone like
the Chiisai Kawa, honestly like that selfish, weak, and conceited fool of a woman? The
woman who was the very cause of his father's downfall and the downfall of the household
entire could not ever be forgiven. The woman who broke Mother's heart, who ran away like
the coward she was and left his father to die alone. That worthless--
"Oh you make me so angry!" The woman before him raged, "She was one of the kindest
women I have ever had the privilege to meet, so don't you dare disgrace her name before her
very grave!" He had never seen the Chiisai Kawa enraged, and her anger was as magnificent
as it was powerful, if not but a little bit childish. Any lesser man might have been
terrified or, at the very least, surprised, but Sesshoumaru looked down at her clutched
fists and drenched hair, hair that hid her eyes from him at that moment and he had the
strangest urge to see the fire burning in those calm depth. He had at first thought this
woman was no more than a cold fish, calm and without feelings beyond pain, sorrow, solitude,
and peace, but now he was witnessing emotions of passion, even if it were senseless anger
directed at him.
For once in Sesshoumaru's life, he was truly fascinated by a woman.
"Tell me, Kagome," he said at last. Her eyes widened and she raised those ever
changing orbs to meet his calm ones, it was the first time he called her by her real name
since that fateful night, "What was so wonderful about the woman who killed my father, her
own husband?"
The horrified surprise in her eyes at his words confused even him, wondering what
she felt and wanting to elicit more reactions from this fascinating creature before him.
"Bastard," she whispered, her whole body tense from holding back another physical strike to
scold him. His cheek still stung from the earlier slap she bestowed upon him as he
continued to watch her under the falling rain, watching the anger return to her eyes.
"Lies! How can you accuse her of crimes when she is already dead?"
Laziness came over his features as he observed her, hiding his interest in her and
his hatred for the dead woman she was defending. "Lies?" Sesshoumaru looked bemused, "I
was there when she accomplished her task as the spy. I was there when she ran away with my
half-brother still, but a babe, after killing the two people I loved above all else. I was
there." So many memories he wished he did not have to remember, this woman brought them
back. In that moment he hated her a little too, wanting to hurt her with his words as she
did him with her presence, "I don't think you have a right to judge people you do not know
-- those monsters with mortal faces."
For a long time she was silent, collecting her scattered emotions before raising her
eyes to meet his once more. "You would know, wouldn't you, Sesshoumaru?" Her mocking tone
made him narrow his eyes as he fought back the urge to hit her. Never had he wish to hurt a
woman so badly, but he growled a warning low in his throat instead, glaring at her with his
slanted, amber eyes. She did not even flinch under his stare, instead she turned her head
and looked to the stones, "I'd like to believe that Inuyasha's still alive," she said at
last. "Your brother never returned from his journey, breaking his promise to me."
Sesshoumaru blinked at her, not quite sure why she was telling him this. Then he
blinked again, noting her guilty, downcast gaze and saw that it was her way of apologizing
for her earlier words. "Aa," he followed her gaze. "I did not know he would grow to be an
oath breaker."
"Better that than dead," she said at last and he turned to see the trailing rain
that fell like tears along her cheeks, but the woman next to him was obviously through with
crying. Her fists were clenched tightly as if she could physically hold back the pain that
she was experiencing, her eyes were now, once again, a part of the shadows and the dull,
dewy waters.
"Aa," Sesshoumaru agreed. This woman who was able to turn his emotions in every
which way, disturbed him. No one has ever affected him so, at least none that Sesshoumaru
could recall. "You loved him, didn't you?" Sesshoumaru never knew why he asked, never knew
why his insides burned at the thought that his idiotic half-brother would leave such a
powerful woman behind for the outside world when he had her heart. But he had asked and
Kagome, the woman with so many hidden secrets continued to look at the gravestones with her
eyes averted from his.
"Yes," She turned from him again, but this time her eyes were not for him. Instead
she looked past him to the mist and trees, past the summer rain that continued to fall
around them unendingly. "A long time ago."
The water splashed against the green tipped needles overhead, sharp with the scent
of days gone past.
* * *
Tears, so many tears that she could not shed.
Kagome stood before the single gravestone, silent in her grief, her face dry and her
eyes the color of dove-grey, grey as the tearful clouds and sad mornings. Before her a
youthful boy with hair of silver-white and wide, wild eyes stared down at the ground. His
shoulders shook with his own sobs as she neared him from behind, young hands reaching to
comfort. He turned, sensing her approach with that terrible light of anger and fear in his
eyes, slapping away the only comfort she could give him then. He did not see the tears that
came in that single moment of rejection, tears that clouded in her eyes for him and no one
else, tears she could not shed for the woman he had lost. They were tears she could not
share with him in his despair, now becoming hers only for a different reason than the one he
used to grieve. Yet still they did not fall.
"Inu... yasha?" She whispered with pain in her voice.
He did not see her or hear her, his eyes blind as he turned and punched the pine
behind the gravestone. "What happened here?" He growled through the pain she was certain
that he was feeling, be it his heart or his body.
"S-she didn't make it, Inuyasha. She didn't have the will to go on, not after..."
her voice trailed off then, drowning in her guilt. It was her fault that she was not as
skilled as the Chiisai Kawa-sama who had left with Inuyasha and a few other mikos to visit
the village but a week past. When the party returned, Inuyasha's young mother had already
died. Oh, but Kagome knew how close she was to saving the woman, so close that...
No, not that, she mustn't think of that!
"Why did she leave me? Was I such a horrible son?" Inuyasha's head was bowed as
his body shook at his own words, snapping her out of her wavering thoughts. "Was I too
weak, too naive to keep her safe?" And she heard the dark and angry grief in his voice when
he screamed out for his lost mother, lost to the living world, and lost to them both.
Too much, she thought and she lunged at him then, knowing he would refuse her again
but wanting, needing to comfort him still. "Inuyasha!" She tightened her grasp around his
waist, felt the blow of his elbows and feet when he struggled to be free from her grasp, but
she refused to let him go. When he settled at last, panting with exhaustion, it was then
that she felt safe enough to bury her face into his gi, knowing he could not see her
pleading eyes. "It wasn't your fault, Inuyasha. It wasn't you fault." her grip tightened
around him when he swore. Her whole body felt beaten and worn and so very tired at that
time, "It's alright, it's not your fault. She loved you, said so even in the end. She
wanted to see your face but it was not something we could have done, there was nothing we
could have done. No one is at fault." Kagome wasn't sure who she was trying to convince
then, him or herself. If only I hadn't said yes, if only I was prepared a little better for
her impossible request, if only I could have saved her for him, she thought. Kagome felt
guilt weighing heavily onto her limbs and had a hard time keeping her hold on him without
collapsing completely. Her head throbbed from Inuyasha's earlier blows, as did her knees
and her arms.
"I didn't get to say goodbye," he said at last. "I didn't even get to say goodbye,
damnit!" Hot tears splattered against her hands, surprising her at the feel of them against
her skin.
She turned her face against his back, pressing her guilt against the red cloth that
separated them, her ear resting in between his shoulder blades as she listened to her own
labored breathing and the thump of his heart beating steadily. The dry sob of sorrow was
caught in her throat, choking her words as she spoke of her guilty heart. "I'm sorry," she
whispered then. "I'm so sorry," whether or not he understood her apology, she never knew.
Not then or ever would she learn of how he had felt about her words that day under the great
pines, branches stretched overhead. She had waited for him for over five years now, still
he had not returned to answer her silent questions on that day.
The day after their scuffle by his mother's grave, Kagome had watched him walk down
the steps of the shrine that led to the outside world, past the red torii gateway with a
half-hearted promise to return as she looked on into the mists. Her heart shattered into a
million pieces under the weight of her grief and her guilt as she watched him disappear
forever from her world. She felt rejected and lost without him in the fog that had settled
over the Mountain Stream.
But that was what she deserved, for she was a murderer after all -- the murderer of
his own mother. I didn't even get to tell him that I loved him, Kagome thought in the end
and still thought after all the years gone past. Isn't that a strange and poetic justice to
my own incompetence? If she ever laughed bitterly at anything it would be this. For their
ending was not an ending at all, just an unfinished, sad story, opened with no closure for
all of eternity.
"Sayonara, Inuyasha."
Her gentle whisper was left unheard, drifting like the first snowflake that
disappeared into the melting warmth of despair.
to be continued....
******************************************************************************************
The poem at the beginning is mine :)
This part is split into two since it's so long and I would like the length of each part to
be similar to all parts throughout the story. Sorry for the delay, I had to rewrite the
whole part again because I was unsatisfied with the first draft. But it was worth it right?
I mean, Sesshoumaru, bare-chested and practicing swordplay ;) Oh, that sounded wrong ^-^;;
This is the first part of chapter 5, the second part will be coming soon ;)
* Aa - an expression of agreement, yes
* Baka - idiot, stupid
* -dono - more formal than -san, less formal than -sama
* Gi - the "shirt" worn by men during the time of ancient Japan
* Maa - Used to appease anger, ie. "Alright now" or "Settle down" or "Sure, sure"
* Sayonara - Goodbye, farewell
* Tenoko no baka - "Tenoko is an idiot" or "Tenoko, you idiot!"
Thank you to all of you who reviewed! I no longer have free reign over the internet like I
did when I was in school, so I can't give out personal messages anymore :( For those of you
who sent me emails, thank you so much for taking time out of your day! I just haven't had
the time to reply ;_; I'm sorry! But I really do appreciate it. For those of you who
thinks Kagome is like Kikyou, well, if you really think about it, they are the same person
^-^;; I mixed them up because I think Kagome would be like this if she was put in a
situation like the one she is in. A mixture of modern Kagome and old Kikyou -- before she
became a walking corpse that is. Well, I hope this explains it! And if you are wondering
about what happened to Inuyasha's mother... all will be revealed in time ;)
Hope you enjoyed this part!
blue ^-^