Complete the Circle
Chapter Thirty-Eight: Forgetting, A Blessing
She felt her body trembling with fatigue as she sat there, helpless. She had sent her firstborn son after her youngest child…and for what reason? What did she expect to happen? Did she honestly think that a man with such power as Naraku would be so foolish as to place a spell that could be easily removed? Did she believe that both her sons would leave this battlefield unscathed?
She felt the cold night air seep into her thin kimono and shivered. What kind of mother sent in her sons to destroy each other? She knew well what was going to happen. She had not lived so long and had so many lives of experience as not to realize that only one was going to walk out of this battle alive. So why had she done it?
Perhaps…perhaps the Gods will favor me and bring both my children back, she hoped. She had to resist an attempt to snort at herself. Gods? Favor her? When had any deity ever helped her in anything? They always ripped her away from her family. First, away from Sesshoumaru, and second, away from Inuyasha. Did she believe that her luck would be different this time when every other time it had been exactly the same?
She felt someone touch her shoulder in a reassuring gesture. Kagome… The girl that her son seemed to have taken to. A girl with mysterious powers… Kagome smiled briefly, trying to reassure the worn mother, but she could not smile back. She could already feel it in the air. One of her sons would be lost.
"Hayashi-san, please… It'll be okay," the girl tried to comfort her. This time, she smiled weakly back. But she knew it was all lies. She could feel her heart already hardening, preparing itself for the news that was to come.
They saw a lone figure walk across the small ridge towards them, his silver hair glowing in the darkness of the night. His face was hidden by shadows, but the shadows failed to hide the bundle that he carried in his arms.
She felt her heart stop and the girl next to her stiffen. She could smell it… That smell that she detested with all her heart… The smell of blood.
"Sess-chan…" She didn't need to ask. She knew what had happened.
"Inuyasha!" Kagome screamed, running to him. Surprisingly, the girl didn't cry. "Inuyasha… Wake up… Inuyasha."
She could see the girl's eyes start to brim with tears, but she refused to let them fall. Sesshoumaru gently set his brother down on the ground. She saw that his kimono was stained scarlet with the blood of her youngest child. She could feel undeniable fury. Fury at Sesshoumaru, fury at Naraku, fury at herself for being such a fool.
She brought herself next to her two sons with much effort. She couldn't bear to look at her son's pale face. She couldn't bring herself to look at Sesshoumaru. She was afraid of the accusation that he would see in her eyes when she looked at him. She knew it wasn't his fault. It was never his fault.
Her youngest child was dying again. Both times she had failed to save him. She had failed him. She had failed in ways that no other mother ever did.
"Sess-chan… Are you alright?" she asked with difficulty. Still, she could not look at him. She could hear the rustle of his hair as he nodded slowly. He had given his brother his death sentence. At least it was something. She had just stood by and done nothing.
"We have to call an ambulance or something," the youkai exterminator said in panicked tones.
"It's… It's too late," Miroku said.
No! It's never too late! Use your brain, she told herself. There has to be a way to save him. I would not be his mother if I didn't at least try to save him. So think! How? How?!
She could feel moisture under her hands as the essence of life seeped away from its owner, falling through the mortal earth into the land devoid of the living.
Youkai… I have no power now to heal him, she thought frantically. I cannot ask this of Sess-chan. I cannot ask him to give his life up for his brother…
Youkai. Her powers would not help her now. But perhaps…the girl's powers…?
"Kagome-chan," she said desperately. The girl had miko powers… Powers that she had once had… So perhaps…?
"Hayashi-san?" Kagome asked, wondering what she was trying to say.
"Please… With your powers… Heal him," she pleaded.
"Heal him?" the girl questioned, confused. Of course she would not know how. She was never taught how, and now was no time to teach her.
"I can't heal people," she said, holding on tighter to Inuyasha's unmoving hand. Time was running out. What could she do? What could she do to save her son?
"Kagome-sama only knows how to purify things," Miroku said, accidentally slipping into his ancient tongue.
Purify… It wouldn't help with anything… Or could it?
"Can you purify him so that at least his human side lives?" she asked. She knew she was out of her mind. What she had said didn't even make any sense. Her son was full youkai. There was no human side to him.
"Hayashi-san…" the girl said, helpless.
"He isn't human," Miroku reminded her. "However… Kagome," he said suddenly, turning to the girl whose powers were mostly dormant. "Remember the seal that he might have placed upon himself? The power of the Shikon shards is gone. Maybe you can purify the seal of youki. Maybe you can unleash his youkai powers."
She had no idea what her son's best friend was talking about, but she still looked at the girl, hoping that the girl could do something…anything…
Kagome placed one hand on Inuyasha's forehead. It was the only place that didn't have blood on it. She closed her eyes and hoped for a miracle. She didn't care if she had to bring him back from the dead. She couldn't bear it if she lost him for a second time.
Suddenly, she felt it: a core of darkness in the very depths of Inuyasha's soul. She reached out with her powers and could feel the youki start to purify, and the seal becoming weaker. Suddenly the seal of youki crumbled and in the realm of reality, she felt a wave of youki burst out from Inuyasha. She opened her eyes, and stared in wonder as she could feel the flow of youki surround Inuyasha, just like what seemed years ago.
And she remembered that she had felt something similar to this ten years ago…
How old was I then? Five? Four years old?
I remember meeting…him. He looked and felt strange to me. And peculiarly…he felt familiar. His actions were unfamiliar, but his presence… It was as if I had met him in a past life.
And in reality, I did, didn't I?
But what had happened? He had seen me. And I felt something from him. A wave of recognition? And after that, he got sick. When he returned, the feeling was gone. And I forgot… I forgot all about it…
She watched in slight wonder as his raven dark hair transformed into a bright silver sheen, and she knew why it had all happened. Her presence had triggered his memories. He remembered everything that had happened in his past life. But he hadn't been ready. As a five year old, he couldn't take it. And perhaps, Inuyasha couldn't take it either…
The numerous cuts on him started to heal with surprising speed, and a few moments later, he opened his golden eyes to meet the world around him.
"Inuyasha?" Kagome asked tentatively. He looked… They looked so alike.
He got up with a grunt, and observed his forgotten features. Mrs. Hayashi was still on the ground, half in shock and half in relief.
"Inuyasha?" Kagome asked, slightly afraid of the emotions that were fleeting across his face at that moment. He smiled at her, but she couldn't decipher whether or not that was the true emotion he was feeling.
"I… I guess I'm the last one to know…again," he said as if it was all a joke. Kagome smiled weakly. He had always been the last to be informed in this life… But he was also the first to remember.
"I'm going to get myself cleaned up, 'kay?" he said.
"Go. I'll help Haha-ue home," Sesshoumaru said. Inuyasha turned to look at him, and again, Kagome was unable to comprehend his expression.
"Fine," he said with strained calmness, then walked off by himself. And Kagome knew that he had remembered.
"Hayashi, please pay attention," the teacher said sternly for the hundredth time that day. He mentally cursed himself for coming here, but he had had to, out of habit. He couldn't stand the confining walls of the room and was surprised that he had spent most of his life cooped up in these classrooms. And the shoes! He hated them! He felt like he was being tied up, but another part of him felt that all these conditions were quite normal. And he knew that everything around him was normal… It was he who wasn't normal.
He listened as the teacher ranted on about Newton's Law of Whatever, and had to fight off the urge to beat Miroku's face in. Ever since he had entered the school grounds, Miroku had been looking at him funny. One part of him was annoyed with Miroku, but another part of him chided himself for his short temper.
He immediately tried to calm himself. He wasn't going to let these foreign emotions get a hold of him. He was Musashino, not Inuyasha, and if the other Inuyasha had such foul a temper, then he would just forget everything that he had remembered. Everything…including Kagome.
Kagome… When she had unleashed his youkai powers, she had also unleashed Inuyasha's memories. He remembered—no, he learned of Inuyasha's past when she had purified that barrier of youki within him, and he didn't like it one bit.
He couldn't believe that he had gone without his parents at such a young age. He couldn't believe that he had practically raised himself by himself. He couldn't believe the sense of loneliness that he—no, Inuyasha had felt.
And he couldn't believe Sesshoumaru.
Sesshoumaru… The "brother" that he had always looked up to… He felt an irrational hatred towards him. He felt like killing him, ripping him to shreds, and yet… There was a part of him that didn't want that either. He wanted Sesshoumaru to pay for abandoning him when he had no one, to pay for hunting him down only for the sake of their father's grave, to pay for continuously attacking him and nearly killing him.
But… He didn't want that. Inuyasha wanted that, but not he… Not he…
The ringing of the bell hours later signified the end of the school day. He walked slowly out, trying to suppress his urge to just run away from it all. He hoped that no one was going to follow him, but Sango, Miroku…and Kagome caught up to him, walking alongside him.
He was glad of their company…but he also resented them. They had done this to him. They had tried all this time to get him to remember something that he now regretted remembering. But he had played along with them, hadn't he? It was as much his fault as anyone else's.
"Inuyasha?" Kagome's voice called to him softly.
"What?" he said rather gruffly.
"Do you want to go with us to the ice cream parlor?" she asked.
"No."
"Well, you're coming anyway," she said, grabbing him running to the store. She sat him down forcefully in a chair, and threatened him with her eyes if he tried to leave. He had to admit, both sides of him were afraid of this girl…and both also loved her.
He frowned. Did he love her? When had that idea popped into his mind? He didn't love her before… He had only liked her… Right?
"Miroku, Sango, you two go order the ice cream," Kagome said, never once taking her eyes off Inuyasha. "I don't care what it is, just order it." Miroku and Sango took that as their cue to leave, and quickly left the two alone.
"Inuyasha, I know that it must be hard to remember everything all of a sudden, but… Please don't be this way," she said, "You're getting all of us worried."
"What way?" he asked, smiling, and he was reminded of that perverted monk in the past.
"You're acting all silent and brooding!" she said. "It's not like you!"
Was it really not like him? How many hours had he spent, worrying, hating, pleading, dreaming of a life that would be better to him than the one he had had? And he finally had it, only for it to be taken away in a night, by the brother he had once cared for, but now hated? How was it not like him? How was it not like him to worry about every member in their group against Naraku? How was it not like him to fall silent and into darkness? How many times did she ever notice his actions?
Small actions, concerns, movements that he had kept at a minimum so that no one else would realize what he was thinking or feeling. How many times had he acted like fool just to mislead them? He knew that he was naturally ill tempered, but how many times did he have to force his roughness onto himself so that no one else could feel the hurt that he did?
She didn't know anything. She didn't know anything at all.
"Inuyasha, please… Just return to being the person that I knew," she said.
"Which person are you referring to?" he asked a bit harshly. She fell silent, not knowing how to respond. He could see that tears were starting to form in her eyes, but her stubborn side wouldn't allow her to cry in front of him. He felt his heart tearing at her sadness, but stopped himself from comforting her.
Did he only feel this urge to stop her sadness because his past self had loved her? What if… What if all this time that he had thought he had liked her was just an effect of his past life? Did that mean that he didn't love her? Did that mean that everything he had said or done were not actions that he had done willingly?
Had he lived his whole life shadowed by his past self?
"We've got the… Uh-oh," Sango said as she saw the tension between the two.
"I'm leaving," he said, getting up and starting to leave.
"Oh, no you don't!" Kagome shouted angrily. "Osuwari!" She covered her mouth, regretting her words, but it was already too late.
" 'Osuwari?'" he smiled bitterly. So that was what she thought of him. A substitute for the one that she had loved in the past. Figures…
"Inuyasha…"
"Now I truly know why you wanted to call me 'Inuyasha' the first time that we met," he laughed resentfully. "Just for him, isn't it? I am nothing to you, but when it comes to him, it is different, isn't it? This is what it's always been about, hasn't it?"
"No, it hasn't!" she said defiantly, surprising him, but he recovered quickly.
"Don't bother lying to me!" he shouted. "I didn't forget all those times that you spoke of loving him, or trying to get me to remember. And why? Just so you can satisfy your own wants!"
"That's not true!" she shouted back.
"What's not true?" he asked, fury rising in him. "You told me yourself that you didn't know what you felt!"
"Yes, but I know now!" she said, starting to cry. "I know now that I… I…"
"You don't know anything at all!" he said in anger. "You don't understand anything!"
"You…!" she said, getting angry, and starting to cry harder at the same time. "You… IDIOT!!!" He had to cover his ears at her sudden shout.
"You don't know anything," she shouted. "You don't understand anything. You don't understand how I felt…all those times… How guilty I felt… How torn…"
"And can you understand even an ounce of what I'm feeling now?" he asked acrimoniously. "Can you understand how I feel like I'm not even myself anymore? How my entire life feels like it is being replaced with this…this person who I don't even know?"
"Inuyasha!" Sango said warningly as Kagome collapsed on the chair, crying. All of a sudden, he couldn't stand them anymore. He couldn't stand any of them.
He walked out of the door without so much as a backward glance. The people in the ice cream parlor had fallen silent during the fight, and were now starting to speak to each other in whispers. Sango tried to comfort Kagome, who was clenching her fists in anger, her entire frame shaking with silent sobs.
Miroku looked out at the retreating back of his friend and wondered if they had truly done the right thing. Perhaps he should have followed his own advice in the beginning and let Inuyasha live a short life, instead of a life riddled with pain…
He sat in the garden, trying to will his youki to return faster, but to no avail. He had come to visit his mother, only to find that she was still sleeping off last night's exhaustion. So he had gone to the garden and tried to find peace, but peace did not come.
He couldn't forget how his mother was last night. Although she had tried to hide it, he had still felt it. She had blamed him for Inuyasha. He had always suspected that he was the favorite of the two, but it had nonetheless hurt when he had had it confirmed. In his mother's eyes, she only had one son. After all, who would want a son who was incapable of expressing his feelings, even if he did love his family with all his heart?
She had asked if he was all right, but he knew that it was just a façade to hide her true feelings. But he didn't blame her. He knew that she had spent more time with Musashino than she ever did with him. Naturally she would love Musashino more than she would love him.
Then why did he still feel this sense of bitterness? Of jealousy?
He was tempted to laugh at his own foolishness. He, Sesshoumaru, jealous? If anyone had ever dared to suggest it, they would have been dead in less than a second. But he wasn't anyone. He was Sesshoumaru, and he was jealous. Jealous of such a small thing… Jealous of his little brother…
He was ashamed to be so childish, but he couldn't stop himself from feeling these emotions. He was supposed to be an adult. He was well over half a millennium now, and still he felt as if though he had never changed since his mother's death.
He was still the cold, merciless person he had been after she had died. He supposed that in some ways, he never really grew up. He had never really been given the chance to grow up. His father had been consumed with grief and had left him to fend for himself.
He supposed that he and Inuyasha had more similarities than they would both like to admit. They had both raised themselves. They had both encountered the harsh reality before their time. They had both never been given the chance to live an innocent life.
But what about Musashino? Musashino had everything that he had never gotten. He had a loving family. He was raised in his mother's embrace. He was sheltered from the full blow of the world's cruelties.
He was sheltered…until now.
He heard the sound of someone opening the door and kicking off his shoes. He could sense Musashino, or perhaps Inuyasha, moving towards him.
"Sesshoumaru," he said, trying to rein in his anger. So he was right. Inuyasha had returned.
"Inuyasha," he said with contempt. He didn't know why he acted that way. It was as if he was compelled to put up his shield whenever he saw his brother. It was as if he was afraid to admit that he had felt what his brother had felt in his short life.
"What are you doing here?" Inuyasha asked, the illusion spell fading away to show his familiar silver hair.
"I was visiting Hayashi-san," he replied, unsure of why he had decided to address his "mother" so formally all of a sudden.
"Is that the only reason?" Inuyasha all but growled at him. He could see the hatred and anger that was in his brother's eyes whenever he saw him. But suddenly, it was all suppressed, leaving Sesshoumaru slightly confused.
"Do you want me to get you some tea, or something?" he said with a little difficultly. "Ojii-chan said that you should drink those herbs to recover more quickly."
Sesshoumaru only gave him a confused look, as Inuyasha, or maybe Musashino now, smiled at him. There was no malice in his expression. It was as if Inuyasha's anger had been sealed off again, but he knew better than to believe that.
"Musashino, you don't have to pretend that you do not hate me," he said with practiced calmness, looking out at the sakura tree.
"I don't hate you!" he said loudly. "I never hated you. I'll never hate you!"
Sesshoumaru looked at him with an expressionless face. Musashino was lost. And he felt lost with him.
"You do not have to get me anything," he said as he got up. "I am leaving now, anyway."
"All right…" Musashino replied, looking slightly upset with his departure.
As he left the house, he turned back once, and saw Inuyasha standing there once again, the old enmity written clearly on his face. He felt something shatter in him, and walked away, feeling his ice-cold persona slipping onto him, cutting him off from the emotions that he had built in the short years that he had spent with Musashino.
And somewhere, in his ominous manor, someone laughed as he saw the events that were unfolding.
His reign had already begun.
Author's Note: Thanks for all the reviews and criticism. They've been really helpful, and without them, I think this story would have ended up in my "unfinished" list.
A little question… In the next chapter, should I add a little humor to lighten things up a bit, or should I continue on this dark path?