Chapter 14
Shatter
Rugby, England
I bit my lip, trembling. Pull off the cloak.
"You- you really would treat him right. It's a shame he doesn't see that."
Black's eyes grew wide, and he lifted his head to look at me. He seemed a bit humiliated at first, but once my words sank in he nodded.
"You love him."
"Yes. So damned much."
"He doesn't love you."
"I-I know. But still, I- Just to be near him, you don't understand, he and I, we belong- This is so right, yet so wrong, so very wrong."
Put a hand on his shoulder. Let him cry.
"Anything for him," he sobbed. "No matter what, just to know I've done something for him. He feels so good, Draco, even though it hurts so much it feels good because it's him and it's worth all the pain just knowing that. Even if he won't let me touch him back or watch him. It's worth it."
"Even though he'll probably toss you away as soon as he finds another lover?"
Black's eyes grew cold. "But we're mates, he couldn't- They mate for life-"
"You two are not mates. You're something he fucks to get the aggression out."
Betrayal flooded those blue eyes. "He would never- Not to me, we're too close, we've always been friends. And he knows what I'd do, how much that would hurt me. Moony's always been so kind and compassionate. If we're not mates, it's because he doesn't really love me but is willing to be with me just so I can be satisfied. Moony knows how I feel about him. Moony would go out of his way to make me feel better, never hurt me in any way, even if his lusts are a bit twisted."
"Idiot! Moony doesn't give a shit about you! He'd love nothing more than to rip your still-beating heart out as you fall for his little trick! He does this to hurt you, Sirius, he does this because he knows you care and that you saved yourself for him, and that even Azkaban couldn't erase how deeply you felt for him.
"He does this because he hates you, he's always hated you, and you trust him so much that you'll let him rip your soul in pieces just so he can see if it would make a pretty noise when it shattered. When all those dreams and desires and hopes for the future you'd wanted him to share with him broke apart, would it make a pretty sound? Would it be a pretty color? Or would those beautiful dreams you told him about so lovingly as you planned your life around the boy be even more beautiful when broken merely because it was a pretty thing that now lies in ruins at your feet?
"And he'll break you, not just your body likes he's been doing, or your heart, but your very soul, and he'll toss it back in pieces and laugh as you sob hopelessly at his feet and beg him to tell him why, beg him to hold just one last time, to smile, to hold him, to anything, just be with you for another minute. And he'll just laugh, and wonder why he never did this when you were whole, before you were sentenced to Azkaban where you had to live with the thought that he hated you every day. How does it feel to know your worst fear was right?
"Personally, I'd take the dementors any day over the pain Moony longs to give you."
Black transformed to slide out of the handcuffs, then he changed back and grabbed me by my shoulders.
"Don't you ever say that about Moony! Moony is everything that's good and kind and perfect about the world! Moony is my love, my life, my very soul, and if he ever left me for someone else, I would be happy for him, because it's not like I'm worthy of him. That's why I never told him how I felt at school, Draco- Because he could have done better, even if we were soul mates, even if it tore me up inside to watch him sleep with so many other people and deny every advance I made, even if he told me a thousand times that I was too close to him for a sexual relationship.
"And then, after Azkaban, I was so fucking scared. Scared he'd found someone else, that he'd never even think of being with me. I just want to be with him as long as I can, however I can, Draco. Anyway I can, even like this. But don't ever say he'd hurt me. He doesn't have a malicious bone in his body, and even if he does shatter me, he would never do it on purpose."
"He doesn't love you."
"I know. I know that. But we belong together- We really are soul mates."
"If he were to hurt you, he'd take a piece of himself with him. Every time you cry his heart breaks, and the wolf takes over a little more. But you're so fucking selfish- Just trying to hold on to him as long as you can, not even able to see what it does to his own soul."
"I am selfish. But what am I supposed to do, deny myself of the one thing I longed for, ever? I've never wanted anything, Draco, not a damned thing, except to be near him in any way. You may never understand it. Somewhere out there, there's someone meant just for you, and that someone might not want you, but you'll know in your heart that there's no one else. Once you meet that person, you have no choice, you're stuck. And you don't want to change a thing. That's how I feel every time I look at him, Draco."
"I can't believe you. You actually think you have a chance?"
"No. But I think that maybe I deserve something fair for once. Eleven years of childhood spent being mocked by Muggle kids for being a freak and wizard kids for being a mudblood, the next ten years with the most wonderful person I could ever dream of, someone who didn't reject my friendship but rejected my love, at first 'cause I was male then 'cause I was his friend and then 'cause I just wasn't good enough, then I was sent to Azkaban for twelve years while everything that had been good in my life- my friendships, my future, my chances with Remus, my ability to be with Harry- was taken away.
"I don't care if it comes back to bite me in the ass, Draco, not when can I have a few fleeting moments of happiness."
I was crying. "But he loves you so much."
Black turned to me, surprised.
"Remus. That's why he's like this, because he's had it worse than you- But he loves you so much, Moony just won't let him."
Black's eyes grew cold. "What kind of trick is this? He loves me, he hates me, he wants to hurt me, but he only wants to because his life sucks? I should have known better than to pour my heart out to a Malfoy. You've been talking about how much he wants to hurt me, now you say he loves me when I admit I don't care if he does- You just want to torment me. After all, you had everything you wanted as a kid, will probably have the perfect family, loads of money, everyone will love you. But it's fun to hurt your lessers."
"No, Sirius, I can't stand to see the two of you together like that, not-"
"Go away! If you don't want to see it then go! Because I'm going to hold on to this as long as I can, Draco, and nothing you can say will stop me!"
"I guess that's what you want. But tell me the truth, Black- If Remus left you shattered, would you commit suicide?"
".Yes. I don't want to live alone, I don't want him to be away from me. I would."
"Would you kill him?"
"Never."
"Then you do hate him."
"What?"
I couldn't talk to him anymore. It was too depressing. But Sirius grabbed my arm and pulled me back.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean he would sooner die himself than know you died. And I mean he told me himself that all he really wants, that if you loved him at all, you would kill the wolf- and him along with it. Because he loves you, he wants to be with you until his dying breath, and he wants to be free- And he wants you to give him that freedom, because you're the only one who really can."
Shrug him off.
Get the fuck out of here.
Not the best expression to use when that's what they'd been doing when I'd walked in.
Shatter
Rugby, England
I bit my lip, trembling. Pull off the cloak.
"You- you really would treat him right. It's a shame he doesn't see that."
Black's eyes grew wide, and he lifted his head to look at me. He seemed a bit humiliated at first, but once my words sank in he nodded.
"You love him."
"Yes. So damned much."
"He doesn't love you."
"I-I know. But still, I- Just to be near him, you don't understand, he and I, we belong- This is so right, yet so wrong, so very wrong."
Put a hand on his shoulder. Let him cry.
"Anything for him," he sobbed. "No matter what, just to know I've done something for him. He feels so good, Draco, even though it hurts so much it feels good because it's him and it's worth all the pain just knowing that. Even if he won't let me touch him back or watch him. It's worth it."
"Even though he'll probably toss you away as soon as he finds another lover?"
Black's eyes grew cold. "But we're mates, he couldn't- They mate for life-"
"You two are not mates. You're something he fucks to get the aggression out."
Betrayal flooded those blue eyes. "He would never- Not to me, we're too close, we've always been friends. And he knows what I'd do, how much that would hurt me. Moony's always been so kind and compassionate. If we're not mates, it's because he doesn't really love me but is willing to be with me just so I can be satisfied. Moony knows how I feel about him. Moony would go out of his way to make me feel better, never hurt me in any way, even if his lusts are a bit twisted."
"Idiot! Moony doesn't give a shit about you! He'd love nothing more than to rip your still-beating heart out as you fall for his little trick! He does this to hurt you, Sirius, he does this because he knows you care and that you saved yourself for him, and that even Azkaban couldn't erase how deeply you felt for him.
"He does this because he hates you, he's always hated you, and you trust him so much that you'll let him rip your soul in pieces just so he can see if it would make a pretty noise when it shattered. When all those dreams and desires and hopes for the future you'd wanted him to share with him broke apart, would it make a pretty sound? Would it be a pretty color? Or would those beautiful dreams you told him about so lovingly as you planned your life around the boy be even more beautiful when broken merely because it was a pretty thing that now lies in ruins at your feet?
"And he'll break you, not just your body likes he's been doing, or your heart, but your very soul, and he'll toss it back in pieces and laugh as you sob hopelessly at his feet and beg him to tell him why, beg him to hold just one last time, to smile, to hold him, to anything, just be with you for another minute. And he'll just laugh, and wonder why he never did this when you were whole, before you were sentenced to Azkaban where you had to live with the thought that he hated you every day. How does it feel to know your worst fear was right?
"Personally, I'd take the dementors any day over the pain Moony longs to give you."
Black transformed to slide out of the handcuffs, then he changed back and grabbed me by my shoulders.
"Don't you ever say that about Moony! Moony is everything that's good and kind and perfect about the world! Moony is my love, my life, my very soul, and if he ever left me for someone else, I would be happy for him, because it's not like I'm worthy of him. That's why I never told him how I felt at school, Draco- Because he could have done better, even if we were soul mates, even if it tore me up inside to watch him sleep with so many other people and deny every advance I made, even if he told me a thousand times that I was too close to him for a sexual relationship.
"And then, after Azkaban, I was so fucking scared. Scared he'd found someone else, that he'd never even think of being with me. I just want to be with him as long as I can, however I can, Draco. Anyway I can, even like this. But don't ever say he'd hurt me. He doesn't have a malicious bone in his body, and even if he does shatter me, he would never do it on purpose."
"He doesn't love you."
"I know. I know that. But we belong together- We really are soul mates."
"If he were to hurt you, he'd take a piece of himself with him. Every time you cry his heart breaks, and the wolf takes over a little more. But you're so fucking selfish- Just trying to hold on to him as long as you can, not even able to see what it does to his own soul."
"I am selfish. But what am I supposed to do, deny myself of the one thing I longed for, ever? I've never wanted anything, Draco, not a damned thing, except to be near him in any way. You may never understand it. Somewhere out there, there's someone meant just for you, and that someone might not want you, but you'll know in your heart that there's no one else. Once you meet that person, you have no choice, you're stuck. And you don't want to change a thing. That's how I feel every time I look at him, Draco."
"I can't believe you. You actually think you have a chance?"
"No. But I think that maybe I deserve something fair for once. Eleven years of childhood spent being mocked by Muggle kids for being a freak and wizard kids for being a mudblood, the next ten years with the most wonderful person I could ever dream of, someone who didn't reject my friendship but rejected my love, at first 'cause I was male then 'cause I was his friend and then 'cause I just wasn't good enough, then I was sent to Azkaban for twelve years while everything that had been good in my life- my friendships, my future, my chances with Remus, my ability to be with Harry- was taken away.
"I don't care if it comes back to bite me in the ass, Draco, not when can I have a few fleeting moments of happiness."
I was crying. "But he loves you so much."
Black turned to me, surprised.
"Remus. That's why he's like this, because he's had it worse than you- But he loves you so much, Moony just won't let him."
Black's eyes grew cold. "What kind of trick is this? He loves me, he hates me, he wants to hurt me, but he only wants to because his life sucks? I should have known better than to pour my heart out to a Malfoy. You've been talking about how much he wants to hurt me, now you say he loves me when I admit I don't care if he does- You just want to torment me. After all, you had everything you wanted as a kid, will probably have the perfect family, loads of money, everyone will love you. But it's fun to hurt your lessers."
"No, Sirius, I can't stand to see the two of you together like that, not-"
"Go away! If you don't want to see it then go! Because I'm going to hold on to this as long as I can, Draco, and nothing you can say will stop me!"
"I guess that's what you want. But tell me the truth, Black- If Remus left you shattered, would you commit suicide?"
".Yes. I don't want to live alone, I don't want him to be away from me. I would."
"Would you kill him?"
"Never."
"Then you do hate him."
"What?"
I couldn't talk to him anymore. It was too depressing. But Sirius grabbed my arm and pulled me back.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean he would sooner die himself than know you died. And I mean he told me himself that all he really wants, that if you loved him at all, you would kill the wolf- and him along with it. Because he loves you, he wants to be with you until his dying breath, and he wants to be free- And he wants you to give him that freedom, because you're the only one who really can."
Shrug him off.
Get the fuck out of here.
Not the best expression to use when that's what they'd been doing when I'd walked in.